December, 1972
Remus watched as Olivia nibbled on her fingernail. She was thinking deeply about something, he knew. She wasn't really better, and he'd see her wincing in pain from time to time, but she pretended that everything was fine, which she was getting disturbingly good at. She sat there, nibbling on her fingernail, ignoring James and Sirius as they threw snow balls at each other, ignoring Peter as he giggled with delight at the antics of the inseparable pair, even ignoring Remus as he tried to read over her shoulder, more to be close to her than because he had any interest in the history of Greek wizards.
"Remus, please," she moaned, swatting absently at him like he was a fly. "I promised Professor Mackenzie that I'd return this book to her before we went on break and I'm running out of time."
"Livia, I'm sure she wouldn't mind extending that for you," he said gently. "She's knows you're not going to ruin it or try to keep it or something."
Olivia sighed, marking the book, snapping it closed, and turning to him with one of her better fake smiles.
"You're right, Remus," she lied. "It's fine. Let's just talk about Christmas, shall we?"
"I wish you wouldn't do that," he muttered, more to himself than to her.
"What?" she asked, challengingly, not as though she didn't know what was going on.
"Nothing, love," he whispered. Remus leaned forward and kissed her hair, noticing that she winced slightly.
He wanted her to stop lying to him. He wanted her to stop toying with him. He wanted her to just be happy, but that seemed to be a lot to ask for some reason because everything he tried wasn't enough. Sirius could make her smile. Even James sometimes made her smile a real smile, but Remus had to work so hard for such pittance as results. It was like he'd barely had her any time at all and she was already slipping out of his grasp.
Thinking about the truth of those thoughts must have made him look utterly pathetic, because Olivia's face softened into a look of pity and she pressed her lips gently to his, making his head spin pleasantly.
"I'm sorry, Remus," she whispered. "I'm sorry I've been cross lately. I'm just very tired of this... of... Well, anyway, I'm sorry, okay? I haven't meant to be cross with you. I care about you a lot, Remus."
It wasn't as much as he wanted, but Remus knew he was so lucky that he didn't complain as she pressed her lips to his again, making his head spin deliciously once more.
It was that spinning that led him to be a bit disoriented and confused, even as the snowball smacked the two of them in their faces and Olivia jerked back, glaring at James and Sirius.
"You two!" she called. "You're so busted!"
Sirius yelped in fear and James laughed as the two took off running and Olivia scrambled to her feet, taking off after them at full speed.
"Livia, wait!" cried Remus, trying to take off after her, but she was too quick. "Livia, you're not dressed for the weather!"
But she was too far ahead, too far gone to hear him. She was off with Sirius and James, throwing her whole body weight at Sirius and knocking his scrawny form to the snow.
That was Olivia, Remus thought, watching solemnly. She was always ahead of him, always with James and Sirius where she belonged, and Remus always got left behind, forgotten.
She would call him silly. Olivia had a habit of doing that. She liked to think Remus was being silly when he knew he was being perfectly practical. He was a monster, but she didn't want him to think of himself that way, and called him silly when he spoke of himself in that way. He would say something about how she deserved a dozen friends like James and Sirius, pureblooded, rich, and normal like her, but she would say he was being silly, that he was perfectly normal, and who needed their friends to be rich and pureblooded, anyway?
She liked to think that such things didn't matter, but Remus knew they did. Someday, when Olivia was thinking about things like who she was going to marry and have children with, things like blood status and wealth would become vastly important whether she wanted them to or not, because Remus could never have children and he should never marry the richest witch in the world, which Olivia would be when her father died. Remus would never fit into that world, her world.
But he liked to think he belonged with her, if only because holding her hand and kissing her lips felt so perfectly right. Maybe Sirius or James was a better fit, but Remus would never just hand her over to them because he didn't want to lose her, not yet, selfish though it was. He was never going to be able to marry her, to be with her forever, but he could at least try to fool himself into believing he could, and maybe for a little while he could just enjoy what they did have together instead of think about what they could never really have.
He wasn't silly. Remus was adamant that he wasn't silly, no matter what Olivia said.
"She'll be fine," Peter squeaked at Remus, who was still watching as Sirius turned Olivia over in the snow and was rubbing the cold snow into her cheeks teasingly. "They'll warm her up and dry her off when we get her upstairs and the girls will take care of her."
Remus winced. He didn't want the girls to take care of her, he wanted to take care of her. But Peter was right. Olivia would be fine. Even when she was the furthest thing from fine, the girl was always somehow 'fine', and this snow would be no exception.
He sighed and watched the trio head toward them, which meant she'd started shivering or changing blue or something like that and James and Sirius were making her go in.
She could be so foolish sometimes.
Remus watched Olivia as she finally agreed to put on Sirius's sweater, the large, green, soft contraption that matched her eyes perfectly, a Black family sweater, of all things, and the only sweater she ever consented to wearing because she said it didn't itch like the others.
At least, that was what she said, but Remus had caught her wearing it to bed, had seen her smelling it when she thought no one was looking. He knew she liked the smell of Sirius, and he'd even thought of wearing Sirius's soap from time to time, just to see if it would make her like Remus even more, but his fear of their reaction to him doing it was even greater than his desire to have her sniff him like she sniffed that worn-down sweater that she liked to sleep in.
As she shivered in the sweater by the roaring Gryffindor fireplace, however, wearing Sirius's soap was just about the last thing on Remus's mind. He was sure she'd made herself sick.
"Sorry, Livia," Sirius said as he adjusted the sleeve of the sweater, looking sheepish as James was forcing her to drink a little bit of firewhiskey to warm herself up. "I wasn't thinking. I was just so angry that you caught me, that you got me all wet and cold and I reacted. I'm so sorry."
"You should be," Remus muttered. "You never think. You never think about anyone but yourself."
"That's not true, Remus," Olivia said gently, placing one hand in Remus's, the other on Sirius's arm. "Sirius is very caring and generous and you know it."
Remus did know it, but she was so pale, her lips so light, that he couldn't help but be angry in general, and Sirius felt like the logical one to direct his anger at, since he'd been the one rubbing snow into her cheeks, as if that were ever a good idea.
"Sorry, I'm just upset," Remus said, although he would refuse to say he didn't mean it. He wasn't sure whether or not he meant it yet, and he wasn't going to commit either way until he knew for certain.
"You're looking better," Peter squeaked from the armchair beside them.
"You're right, Peter," Olivia said firmly. "I'm feeling much better. I'll see you all later. Good night, boys."
She had hurried up away upstairs before any of them could point out that it was still late afternoon and she'd yet to have dinner.
"Do you think she's going to come down?" James asked softly as Lily and Mary and Margery came downstairs, obviously on their own way to dinner.
"Dunno," Sirius said slowly. "I've never known her to miss a meal, but that was weird..."
"Yeah," the four boys said together, and Remus shivered slightly.
Olivia wasn't his, he realized in that moment. He would always have to share her with the group. He would always have to share her with Sirius.
/-/
She sat in the common room as soon as she knew they'd all left for dinner. She'd be back in her bed by the time anyone headed back from dinner... More specifically before the Marauders were back from dinner, and that would be just fine. The fireplace felt good, though, so she hurried back down when she was sure they were sitting in the Great Hall, eating.
Olivia would have liked to have been eating, but she couldn't bear the shame and she had so much to think over.
It wasn't that she was mad at any of them, exactly, but there had been so much smothering. It was probably a good thing that she wasn't staying with any of them for Christmas. The group was going to James's house, but she'd accepted an invitation to spend the holidays with Lily's family, so she was going there with Mary instead. Margery's family was spending the holiday in Spain, so she wouldn't be joining them, but the three girls were determined to have enough fun for four.
Time away from the Marauders would probably be good for her, Olivia knew, but she would miss the boys almost as much as she would miss her sister, who she hardly saw at all. Anne-Claire spent most of her time with the Ravenclaws and she didn't seem to think much of the Marauders, except for James, surprisingly, but that probably had to do with the fact that all the silly girls her age thought he was so special for his Quidditch skills.
Quidditch... That was another place she couldn't really escape her Marauder-ness. James practically dragged the boys to watch them practice, and Mary could never have convinced the girls to watch.
It wasn't that Olivia regretted being a part of the Marauders. She couldn't imagine life without the boys, without Sirius, Remus, James... even Peter! But sometimes she felt as though she were being suffocated, cut off. She saw the twins a fair amount because of Sirius and Jiki (although not as much as she thought she ought to have), but the girls in her own House she really only saw in classes and during her morning and nighttime routines. Lily and Mary still gossiped with her and seemed to care about her. Lily still sat with her at Slughorn's meetings. But it wasn't as much as she wanted.
She hurt all the time, she could hardly concentrate on school much less her social life, but she had to because she didn't want anyone to think that everything was anything but fine. Because everything was fine. It was. Even though nothing was fine, she was going to convince everyone (including herself) that everything was fine.
There was the sound of giggling approaching and Olivia knew instinctively that it was Lily, Mary and Margery, so she scurried upstairs to their dormitory so that they didn't see her sitting by the fire.
By the time the girls had returned to the dormitory, Olivia was changed and lying under her covers, staring at the ceiling, looking as though she were waiting, which she was in her own way.
"Hey, Livia," Mary said gently, sitting down on the foot of Olivia's bed. "Are you feeling any better? Hungry, maybe?"
Olivia shook her head, thankful that her stomach wasn't growling and calling her bluff for all of them to know.
"I'm just tired," Olivia said softly. "I'll be better in the morning."
Mary nodded.
"Sometimes, when I play out in the snow, I get tired too, but it might be because you're getting sick, Livia. I know Sirius didn't mean to make you sick-"
Lily snorted.
"-but I think you should see Madam Pomfrey tomorrow anyway, just in case."
Olivia pouted her best, but the girls were unmoved.
"Remus will take care of me," she finally said with a shrug. "I won't go unless he makes me go."
Except Olivia knew perfectly well that if Remus demanded she go, she could always kiss him until he withdrew the demand. Yes, she was using him, but she wasn't really hurting him, just herself, and what was really wrong with that?
The girls seemed satisfied with the suggestion, though, which was exactly what Olivia had wanted, and Lily sat down on the bed, too, as Margery took off to take a shower.
"My mum's going to make ham this year for Christmas," Lily said happily. "I told her you didn't care much for turkey, Livia, and she decided change was a good thing. At least, that's what she said. I don't think Tuney's going to be very pleased. She doesn't care much for ham."
Olivia did feel a bit guilty about that, forcing Petunia to eat something she didn't like. After all, she was the guest.
But Olivia had been getting her way whether she was the guest or the host by convincing people that whichever she was ought to have what they wanted. It worked every time, mostly because she was able to talk just about everyone she knew into circles. Everyone, it seemed, except for her father, who had admonished her when she was about nine for playing such games, for being so selfish, when it wasn't even a challenge for her. She had felt guilty about it for a long while, and she hadn't taken up her ways again until she started school, when she had to. It was a way of saving face, of getting what she wanted even when it wasn't what was good for her. And dating Remus... It wasn't the only reason she was dating him, obviously, but it made getting what she wanted that much easier than it had been. Remus was in the palm of her hand, unlike Sirius. It was about what she wanted, not what she needed, and Olivia liked the world better that way.
As the other girls went to bed Olivia sat up and wondered what northern England looked like. She wondered if Mr. Evans was anything like her father or Mr. Potter, if Mrs. Evans was anything like Mrs. Potter. She'd already decided that Petunia was an awful lot like an older, bitterer version of Anne-Claire. Of course, she never said that out loud when Lily was around, but Mary had agreed when they were whispering alone together about what it would be like with the Evans family over the holidays. They'd been so excited they couldn't help but speculate together when they ought to have been studying.
Olivia turned onto her side to try to avoid thinking about some of the pain that had begun throbbing more insistently in her back. How could she explain to the Evans's about her pain issues? Had Lily mentioned it? What must they think of her if she had? Olivia decided that she could do nothing about that. If she'd mentioned the dislike of turkey, Lily would have surely mentioned her various medical concerns and the like. Lily was responsible like that, and almost annoyingly thorough when she had any sort of responsibility.
In her mind as she was trying to get to sleep, Olivia ran through a packing plan for the holidays. She'd not bought any presents yet, wanting to buy something for the boys from where Evans lived, partly because she thought it would make James burst with joy and partly because if she wasn't anywhere near them when she bought their Christmas gifts, they were much more likely to be surprised by the gifts they would get. That, and Mary was so good at helping pick out gifts that it would be foolish to waste such a wonderfully valuable resource.
She could hear Margery starting to snore, which must have been something she'd picked up over the break. Or maybe she was getting sick, too. Olivia wondered vaguely if she would start snoring while she was sick, or if her nose wasn't the right shape for it. Just to be safe, she decided not to sleep in Remus's bed while she was sick, even if she wasn't contagious. She didn't want the boys to know if she was snoring. It wasn't like any of the girls would dare tell on her. She'd never told on Margery. None of them had.
In the morning, Olivia would sneak in to see Madam Pomfrey perhaps, if she was feeling worse, but not so that any of her friends could find out about it. She didn't want them worrying about her, especially because she would be out of their sight all holiday. She wanted them to enjoy their time together without her, not worry about her the whole time.
She let her eyes flutter closed and she dreamed of Remus's warm arms taking away her cold, his warmer-than-normal body chasing away the sickness and making her feel all better. Remus was so good at that, making things all better.