September 2014, Los Angeles

"Okay. So I have your ticket for Singapore tomorrow morning. Alicia's here to pick it up. Will you be alright from here on? I'm sorry it's a day later than we first planned." Ruth rattled her instructions and last-minute checks over the phone piece in my ear.

"Yes yes it's okay" I said as I carefully stirred a unbake mixture of cookie dough.

My flight was moved to tomorrow morning. I thought It was my last day here yesterday. Good thing I still have an extra day of my short vacay. Tomorrow I have to go back to set already to continue shooting for Equals. I miss my place, It feels like I've been gone forever and not only a month. I miss my dogs, all three of them. Sometimes I wish I can bring them with me, but that's not gonna happen, someone needs them too, and he won't like it if I just jet them half way around the world without his permission.

Hmm...Interesting thought. Wonder how he'll react if he suddenly comes home and won't find them here if he visits.

My thoughts went around the possibilities and I ended up staring at my over mixed dough. Darn it. Damn it. Dagnabbit.

Nothing productive comes from thoughts of him lately. Haven't I learned my lesson enough already?

I sighed and set aside the mixture while I heated the oven, bending to remove the pan i stashed in earlier.

Suddenly, like an unwelcome force, my current situation reminded me of nostalgic memories.

"What are you cooking, Babe?" He whispered behind me as his hand snaked around my waist while I set the oven.

I squealed surprised at his sudden presence while he laughed and continue to nuzzle my neck.

"Rob, I'm sweaty" I scolded as I turned in his arms.

"It's alright, I'll just lick you all over" He teased then proceeded to shower me with kisses from my forehead to my nose, to both my cheeks, my chin, to the side of my jaw then slowly proceeding to nibble my lower lip while he enjoyed me squirming in lust in his arms.

"Honey...the dough...it won't cook if...if we do this" I stammered as I tried to control my reaction to him. But it was futile, I was a goner like always.

"It's okay...I love raw dough...I love it if it's yours" He laughed as he proceeded to draw me closer and hover an inch over my lips like a tease. "I love...love it!" he pronounced.

He then fell silent as he stared at my eyes, and at that moment, the giggly Rob fell away. He slowly reached up to wipe a smudge of flour on the side of my nose then slowly inspected me, running his fingers to every contour of my face as if trying to commit my face into his memories. He smiled a little smile and whispered with all the sincerity I rarely hear from him. "I love you so much."

And I knew that cookie will never get baked anytime soon, the baker was too weak in the knees and her heart was about to explode from the emotions.

Moments like these, they always leave me breathless, and most of the time, out of words. So I just stared at him in wonder. I wondered and wondered on how lucky I was to have a love like that.

Wooof!

CRASH!

The dogs went berserk as the empty pan fell from my shaking hands.

Good thing it was empty or I'll have a hell of a time scrubbing cookie dough from the hardwood floors.

Where was I? Damn it. I was lost in my thoughts again. How many times Kristen? How many times do you have to torture yourself before you learn your lesson?!

I set the pan on the counter and stared at it as I try to catch my breath. This was crazy, it was crazy how every nook, every cranny, every movement reminds me of him.

It was crazy how this wasn't even our house, it was in Aberdeen where we were blissfully happy.

This was my house, which became his too. It became his after that shit we went through and we had to pick ourselves together again. It was here where I learned how important he really was to me. It was here I learned how to treasure him again. It was here where i whispered words of sorry and regrets to him. It was here where I learned how to love him every night and every waking hour of my life when we were still together.

It was also here where we got our hearts broken, again and again. This time it shattered, it was too hard to pick it up after that, you can try and try but you only end up cutting yourself with the sharp unrelenting pieces of what once was.

God Rob. It hurts so much still.

I hastily wiped my wet eyes on the sleeve of my arm and covered the dough. I took off my apron and went up to my room, slammed the door to the protest of my furry companions. I went to the medicine cabinet and took some Benadryl then dove under the covers determined not to wake up and face my fucking demons tomorrow instead.

By then, I'd have only enough hours left before I leave for Singapore.

"Yep. She left for Singapore today." Nick Frenkel, my manager confirmed what I already knew.

She just flew out of LA again while I flew in from Toronto, fresh from TIFF.

Is this a good thing? I think so. I usually go straight to Marmont in cases where I don't have a place to stay for the time being. Though me and Kristen haven't been communicating for a while, we have exchanged correspondence through our managers.

I used to have a rented house in LA, but I was out so much of 2014 that I decided to give it up and stay in Marmont instead. I have no desire to build roots and cozy up a house just for me. I was pretty much content with the hotel, it was impersonal.

Though there were times when I felt a little nostalgic of a situation I used to share with that somebody, with her. A cozy house with dogs in it and her constant cooking and laughter. Those were the halcyon days we had.

I missed it. I missed it so much actually that aside from asking Nick to ask Ruth if I can be allowed to visit the dogs once in a while, I started asking for more than that. I asked to stay while she's out. She was always busy too, in a different state, now a different country. It wouldn't be a bad arrangement. I mean, at least someone takes care of the dogs while she's gone, and clean the house too, maybe.

To my surprise she said yes. I couldn't remember a happier time after our break than the time I first step on that threshold without hold backs. Ironic how I will always consider this as our...I mean...a home in LA.

No wonder I couldn't imagine getting my own place. No one would hang random painting, poetries and family pictures on the wall. There would be no kitchen cabinet with a collection of Paula Deen cooking books and what nots. There would be no pots and pans, no sneaker on the stairway, no carefully folded shirts of mine mixing with hers. There would be none of those and I'll hate it.

That's why from the airport I drove straight home. Yes home, even it was already late and Natalie Portman would probably throw a rock at our roof for waking everybody up at the neighborhood at this ungodly hour. I laughed and whistled.

I arrived and immediately saw her car parked. Trust Kristen to leave it at the curb after she plans to be gone for a month. Women. I shook my head smiling. I'll move it tomorrow and maybe wash it too if I feel like it. I parked my own truck at the further side tucked neatly behind the trees. I won't be able to park it closely tonight with hers blocking the way, anyway, no hurries.

I slowly went down careful not to make so much noise. I made my way to the door with my duffel bag and back pack, then slowly stoop down and grope under the hedges for the spare key.

There it is, like it always was before.

I smiled excited to be home to see the dogs. I turned the key in the lock and slowly opened the door, already calling out silently to them so they'll know it was me, while expertly finding the light switches on the wall.

I was not mistaken. They suddenly came rushing down from the second story and enthusiastically greeted me.

I laughed delighted as I hushed there barking and made my way to the living area to drop my bags. I then went straight to the kitchen and turned on the lights. I looked around surprised how lived in it looks. It actually has some flour marks on the counter and a covered bowl of what appears to be cooking dough.

This is interesting. Did she not finish baking before she flew out? I laughed. Only Kristen, i said to myself as I set aside the bowl and studiously wiped her counter of the flour marks. I always know how she prefers it clean.

With that done and a little look around I went straight to the fridge and decided to get started on what I had planned to do.

Drink myself to oblivion.

It has always been a custom since I started spending nights here on my own. I'd need it to steel myself from the onslaught of memories that is sure to welcome me every time I'm home.

I opened the fridge, unsurprised finding it stacked with Heineken. She knew I come for visits while she's out of course. I do respect her space and clean up as much as I can before I leave, but as time went by and the more we did this, we find it was sometimes interesting to leave surprises for each other's comfort. A fave boxed delicacy for her before I leave or a new shirt (old shirts acceptable too and cap) and a pack of Heineken and microwavable meals for me. Life, in it's own weird way was perfect, well less perfect than what we used to have, but i'll take anything.

I sighed then settled down at the porch with my drink. All I could ever think about now was her unfinished cookies...I knew it was for me. She knows how much I love them, she even went ahead and left a passive aggressive note once "Mind your Crumbs," which was secretly folded in my wallet. Lovesick fool that I was.

Damn it, why didn't she finish those cookies? I want to cry out. She couldn't be that too excited to fly off to that Hoult guy and forget his damned cookies. Stupid fucking rumours. He knows there's no semblance of truth to them but he just can't help it now that he's frustrated.

He sighed and continued drinking until he finshed the whole pack, until he fell asleep on the porch, drunk to oblivion.

My phone alarm sounded and I reached out to look for it on the dresser, only to realize that it was not my alarm but Alicia calling.

"Whaaa?" I mumbled in my groggy state, still feeling the effects of the Benadryl I took last night.

"Kristen! Where the fuck are you?" Alicia, my friend, and my newly designated temporary assistant yelled on the other line, to my dismay.

"What time is it? It's still dark outside." I grumbled, then proceeded to lie back down and stretch on my bed.

"It's 6 fucking am and you're gonna miss your flight if you don't move that ass of yours!" She scolded, my ears ringing.

I didn't have to be told twice. With that sinking in I bolted up again, rubbed my eyes then hastily said goodbye to her on the phone, promising to have my pretty ass on LAX as soon as possible.

I took a quick shower. There was no other option. Good thing my bags were ready in my car already, all I had to do was kiss the dogs goodbye and rush to the airport to make it in time.

I donned a comfy pair of jeans and Rob's shirt. I didn't plan to but it was the first one I grabbed and it was practically mine already anyway, with it all scrunched up at the seams. I hurriedly went down and gathered Cole, Bear, and Bernie to me who was already waiting. I kissed and nuzzled them one by one before checking if I managed to turn off every switch. I checked every room hastily, not bothering to go out the porch anymore. With that secured I made my out again hugging the dogs one more time.

"I'm gonna miss you guys!" I playfully nuzzled and hugged them again to me. "Whew! Why do you guys smell like beer?" I laughed, but they did seem to smell like it. "What were you doing you troublemakers, I better have somebody over to bathe you again" I said.

I then kissed them each for good measure and closed the door even with their whining breaking my heart. It's time to go or else I'll be late.

I turned and hurriedly walked to my car, leaving everything dear to me inside that house.

Rob woke up to the sounds of the dog barking. He thought he heard Kristen laughing again. Or maybe, it was just what was left of his dream interspersed in reality. He sighed and felt the oncoming headache already, or maybe muscle pain for sleeping out at the porch all night.

He stretched and stood up. The dogs stopped whining and barking and went over to him. He nuzzled them and smiled.

"What do they shampoo you with? Your Mom's hair mixture?" He joked as he continued to smell them. They smell like Heineken with a touch of Kristen's shampoo or perfume.

Damn it. His senses are playing havoc on him. Good kind of havoc if there is one.

He stretched again and made his way up to the master's bedroom. Since then this is where he always sleeps, he couldn't fall asleep on the other beds. It's always this one, the one they use to share.

He stopped suddenly when he noticed the bed unmade. Seriously, was she in that kind of hurry? He sighed, then stumbled inside the room still a little tipsy with the after effects. He fell flat face first on the bed.

Oh God, if he wasn't this drunk he would swear the bed was still warm from the weight of her body and seemed to have absorbed her scent, he felt himself turned on by the thought. Fuck, fuck it. I'm drunk.

He clenched his teeth and stretched to grab a pillow to bury his face in.

Kristen Kristen Kristen...I miss you so much.