2.17: [Trophy]
I stepped into a room of clocks that all told different times
I stepped into a mirrored world that mirrored all our crimes
You keep picking at the scab and I'll keep selling the plaster
You keep telling me that I'm bad
But I keep on getting better faster
You hold me down and you hold me up
You can't communicate
You brought me up just to bring me down
I've nothing left to say
I've lost, I've lost my innocence
I've found my self-belief
And in a cup of loneliness
I've found instant relief
You hold me down, you hold me up
Oh Daddy, are we out of luck?
You brought me up to bring me down
You shut me in, you shut me up
I'm gone, I'm gone to heaven
I'm gone, I'm gone to hell
If nobody could see I'd hold my hand out to be held
wish that you could just admit
you did bad things too
of criticising me
So I don't look at you
You hold me down and you hold me up
I can't communicate
You brought me up just to bring me down
I've nothing left to say
[...]
I've lost, I've lost my confidence
I found my self belief
And in a cup of loneliness
I sailed a thousand seas
-Marina and the Diamonds,'Scab and Plaster'
"Aaaaaaahh... Every hurts!" Asuka complained, generously stretching her muscles that were sore from all the long hours spent in her pilot seat.
"Just so that we understand each other, I call dibs on the bathtub as soon as we get home!"
Her words didn't really get through to the ears of the boy who was sitting next to her on an examination bench, waiting for Dr. Akagi's arrival.
The same Dr. Akagi who was currently in the same room, if behind an opaque curtain, examining and, if necessary, taking care of the First Child, until she would be done with that and therefore ready to proceed to the other two Children.
In the time that it took to get her out of her plug and down to the infirmary, Asuka had realized that she had spent most of the day fighting one single, long fight without being able to afford the teeniest break, so she found something new to complain about every five minutes, constantly stating how much she wanted to rip off her plugsuit off and wash the LCL out of her hair before the stench of the substance burned itself all too deeply into its substance.
Shinji himself no longer really had the strength to respond to any of this. Even if he had been given free access to the bathtub, he doubted that we would have had the ability to drag himself anywhere but his warm, cozy bed by the time he'd get home.
At first, he had been fairly restless, owning to a slev of missing answers - He couldn't tick off this fight as a triumph until he could say for sure that everyone involved was well - and that included Mayumi. Therefore, he had asked about her pretty much as soon as he had arrived.
No matter how much he might have needed that night's sleep, and how throughly he might have earned it, his fluttering little heart couldn't find any peace until the good Doctor arrived and led him to see the shy transfer student with his own eyes, if only through a pane of glass onto which he had to press his hands and face to even begin to make out anything on the other side.
Even after his eyes had become accustomed to the darkness, he had to concentrate in order to make out her chalky pale, limp body in a spiderweb of all the cables, tubes and machines - at second glance, her paper-white skin certainly clashed with the darkness of the room, no matter how much it was obscured by clothing, hair, electrodes, and even one of these breathing masks.
"Will... will she..."
The rest of the question remained stuck in his throat, no matter how much he wanted to hear the corresponding answer, but the blonde scientist easily deduced the only thing he could possibly have meant.
"Her organism was... fortunately not as closely interwoven with the core as we had initially suspected... Although she must have carried the core inside her for a very long time, she will be able to survive without it, even if she will probably have to take medication to ease the transition for quite a while... Besides, containing the core was quite a strain on her body, and now that it is gone, she lacks the mechanisms through which it used to keep its host alive -and then there were all the adhesions we had to remove..."
"But you... you did say..."
"Yes, she will most likely survive. Don't worry, Shinji-kun. All I wanted to tell you is that she is still weak from the operation... So you won't be able to visit her at the moment."
Satisfied with that answers, Shinji had then followed the fake blonde back into the examination room - but the connection between his open concern for Mayumi and a slight but marked increase in Asuka's constant complaints very much eluded him now that the exhaustion was beginning to overtake him right on the heels of his shortlived relief.
It didn't take long for Dr. Akagi to deal with the two of them after that - they all had bruises and similar little aches and pains that weren't really worth the effort of any sophisticated treatment; Indeed, she mused that the most appropriate prescription here would be a good night's sleep.
Asuka was given some band-aids for mainly psychological reasons, but that was basically it.
But once they made it past the doors of the examination room, they were met with something of a surprise: They were being awaited, and not by just anybody - they had almost expected Misato, and Kaji wouldn't have surprised them either, but never in their lives would they have expected to meet Commander Gendo Ikari in person here, his impressive silhouette far surpassing all of theirs.
Immediately there was as much traffic between Shinji's nerve cells as on a highway during the summer holidays, countless thoughts were racing around in confusion - Was he here because of him? Was he going to ask if he was all right or even... no, he better not even think about that, in the end he would just wind up feeling alone and disappointed. Wasn't it much more likely that he had a complaint or was otherwise dissatisfied?
Whether it was one or the other, he couldn't read from his face; Those sunglasses hid his eyes and made Shinji feel like he was standing in front of a concrete wall that was so high that he wouldn't see its top end if he were to crane his neck as far back as he could.
In that fraction of a second, he imagined endless possibilities in his head, whole universes that grew out of different reactions to each one of them, a tree of alternatives and the alternatives of alternatives that shot up so quickly that one might think he wanted to grab the sky...
Time seemed frozen, the Third Child lips sealed, it was one of those moments that one could believe would last forever, if not for his throbbing, beating heart to assure him that the clocks were still ticking, and his greedy, yearning, bleeding heart, that betrayed the slightest glimmer of hope flickering inside his chest despite the many, many walls he had erected it against this cruel world, leaving it it wide open, an eye-catching, colorful target, ready for anyone who wanted to drive a spear into his innermost, to be disappointed, to shatter and suffer, until the splinters of his soul, held in place only by a mountain of duct tape, were finally crushed to a blunt dust.
Then, when he had revealed everything he was and surrendered it completely, even though he was ready to give up the whole world around him in favour of what had always been the reason for his desperate, helpless actions, a thorn of fear broke through his being when he suddenly realized that his father seemed to have sought out his gaze... or was this just his imagination? Should he be ashamed now?
Had he perhaps just ruined his great chance? The chance to be seen, heard and noticed...?
He didn't know what to do, just stared in complete helplessness, completely at the mercy of those sunglasses, hoping that somewhere behind them were the eyes he wanted to be seen by, that his heart wouldn't burst at the next word, like a balloon of glass.
It was also a bit of defiance and protest that made refuse to look away, the will to show that he was no longer afraid of that look, that it took a little more to intimidate him.
Just keeping this eye contact demanded more from him than a game of arm wrestling, yes, perhaps more than the whole previous fight.
Was there... a movement in his face...? Did he want to say something...?
Whether might or might not have happened, Shinji would never find out; Instead, something crazy took place. All these invisible symbols, these tiny signs of imposed, implied distance, were traversed like the thin air they truly were when Asuka walked a few steps forward, facing the leader of NERV head on, standing close enough to the taciturn man could not have stretched her arms without touching his dark uniform.
The crazy thing was, Shinji felt himself flinching fearfully as if he had let her climb into an enclosure holding some sort of carnivorous predator, even though she acted as if all this border that the Third Child didn't dare cross simply wasn't there.
"Oh, hello, Mr. Commander!" she greeted him, sweetly as sugar, surpassing even her best theatrical performances from school. "It's nice to meet you here! I suppose you still want to give us some feedback about the fight...?"
"No, that's not the case." He answered briefly. If there was anything to resonate, positive or negative, then Shinji couldn't hear it.
Even so, what Asuka did unnerved him, he somehow had the irrational fear that she could be devoured whole any second, and only because, as always, she wanted to inflate her own importance and it should really have been clear from the very beginning that this would eventually be her undoing, but there was also a kind of envy burned inside of him - how did she, a complete stranger, just go and talk to him when he, his own son, could do nothing more than standing here as if he were rooted to the floor?
He wanted to say something, do something, but there was nothing else for him but to watch Asuka try to suckout the praise that she wanted to hear out of her superior's lips, while Shinji himself had nothing else to do but to quietly devour the very words he had wished to speak for so long. "Well, I guess there's not much to comment..." Asuka said with a smile. "After all, we have performed one flawless Angel removal right there!"
"The enemy is defeated. That's all that matters."
Shinji didn't know what to do with the sentence, could imagine countless negative as well as positive interpretations; unfortunately, the older man's facial expression wasn't very revealing.
Asuka, who was, well, Asuka, decided to read it as praise, and her face lit up accordingly, but Shinji didn't really feel all that motivated by it and he didn't even get to think about it when the head of Nerv revealed what actually brought him here by walking past both of them and turning to the third EVA pilot who had remained silent until that very moment.
"Rei."
"Yes?"
"Let's go. You must be tired."
And then they just left, as if the other two Children were nothing but thin air.
Shinji lay in ruins.
It hit him like a slap in the face, so hard, violently and yet inevitable that he forgot to cry.
Oh, of course.
Of course, it wasn't because of him; He must have been imagining things.
Unaware of his inner devastation because his appearance had not changed, Asuka turned to him as if nothing had changed and began with her usual gossip: "There she goes, our little princess, without even sparing us a glance!
I'm telling you, Third Child, that girl is up to no good!"
In another situation he might have replied that what she had just done could also be described with a sentence containing the words "superior" and "suck up" , but at the moment he didn't want to say, hear or see anything more.
Captain Shikinami had her very own interpretation concerning his silence: The exact one she wanted to hear. "It's hard to believe that he'd even ditch his beloved little son for that doll... I shudder to think what her intentions might be..."
Ding ding dong, that must be the hypocrite alert again.
But Shinji was already so deflated from her first sentence that he didn't even begin to process the second one.
Did she really have to rub salt into his wound..? He almost didn't listen any more when she started talking again... All the more he was surprised by what he heard: "...But don't worry, cheap slime will never be able to compete with real talent and real hard work, and the old man will notice that soon enough, especially if you keep up the good work. You actually seem to be starting to act like something of a real fighter... so just keep going! If you have ay doubts, you can always try to do everything in the same way as I do".
That also left him with nothing but his own speechlessness, even if it was a speechlessness of a different kind.
Perhaps his reaction would have been similar if he had been able to hear the words that his father had been considering for a moment.
But how he would react if he knew what was going through the head of Dr. Akagi, who was still in the examination room, but heard their conversation through te crack of the door which the exhausted Third Child had failed to close properly, well, that would have been a very, very different story...
Once Asuka and Shinji had scrubbed the LCL off their skins and changed back into the clothes they had arrived in - their school uniforms, to be precise - Misato wasted no time in collecting them and directing them towards her car so she could drive them home, but not without making sure to get some snacks into them first.
"I'm sorry it's just some candy from those vending machines, but I don't think we'll have much luck with the pizza service before all the rubble has been cleaned up downtown... It's a good thing we live on the edge of town..."
The pretzels, juice cans, and chocolate bars were more than enough for the two children, especially now that they realized that they hadn't eaten a decent meal all day and didn't take long to develop the corresponding appetite when they smelled the sweets and pastries.
Under these circumstances, even Asuka's usual objections about maintaining her figure were thrown out the window - in fact, Misato was surprised to find that the Children were so busy scooping in a few calories that there was miraculously no argument between them on the way home... Or did that have a completely different reason?
Misato tried her best not to giggle.
It almost seemed as if the calculations she'd been pursuing when she decided to stuff the two of them into her apartment hadn't been entirely fruitless, in more ways
Even if she had to be aware that the had only won a single battle, but by no means the war - somehow it should be possible to get the two to actually use each other's names.
In the end, Shinji's day ended as his days usually did, with him looking up at the now rather familiar ceiling, now in a loose undershirt and shorts, staring up thoughtfully.
A lot had happened since the last time he got around to do this, even though it had been barely two days. It had become quite turbulent, this life of his...
Yes, now it occurred to him that as of today, it had been exactly three months since his arrival in this strange town... He thought back to this vision with the stairs, and how he had looked down from the top of them and discovered someone down there...
When Mayumi had kneeled before him howling and trembling, he thought he recognized this person at the bottom of the stairs - not her, but someone like her, someone who was once very similar to her...
It felt like so much more time... Three months ago, he could never have imagined then that he would one day be in a position to give comfort and support to someone else... He would probably hardly recognize himself...
He had learned the meanings of friendship, family, and love, and had made many other new experiences, all things he had not known before... completely new dimensions that had been added to his thinking...
Actually... he could rightly claim that he had at least... become a little stronger, hadn't...?
At least he could say that he had gotten to know himself a little better.
Strange that he had only noticed that after encountering Mayumi...
"We recognize and ourselves by recognizing others", hm?
He believed that he had heard somewhere before...
It wouldn't have been right to say that he understood the full meaning of that, everything still seemed very vague and uncertain to him, both that thing about growing stronger and... about the future. But he believed that he was a little closer to it now and that he knew on which path he had to walk, even if he wanted to understand what he did not understand yet.
This here could well be the right path.
To expect that the should be spared the visions for a night was probably too much to ask, but at least today's was relatively harmless.
He saw himself again sitting in a room with his cello when suddenly the door opened again - but he was not frightened at all, as if he had been expecting this for a while and already knew who owned the ever-growing shadow that moved in the cone of light of the entrance door as he approached.
"Good morning, Ikari-kun!"
"G-Good morning!"
Aha. Then he was expected today. Then no mysterious alter egos or strange, applauding women awaited him today, but simply the good Miss Langley-Soryu.
That she was the more pleasant variant already showed how crazy these visions had become with the time...
Stop. Wait a moment. Of course, he meant the good Miss Langley-Shikinami.
How did he come up with 'Soryu' anyways?
No, the real question was, why did she use his name, and why didn't that seem to surprise him in the least?
Anyways, she strolled past him, sitting down casually on a second chair, which he could have sworn he hadn't been there before and unpacked a violin he had never seen her with before.
"So, what are we playing today?
"The Pachelbel canon." He knew for some reason.
"Of course you have it easy with your cello! All you have to do is play arpeggios."
Well, at least one thing was still normal: that Asuka, whatever her last name was now, could always be relied upon to find something to complain about.
He didn't even try to make sense of how she started to play despite her earlier complaints - he had become so accustomed to her contradictory behavior by now that he even found it somewhat cute at times.
Now Shinji, in his youthful naivety, had hoped that his great heroic deed yesterday would be followed by the beginning of an exciting romance in good old superhero film style, but reality caught up with him way to school with Nagato as its herald, who had learned the sobering facts from his father: One of the many buildings that had been destroyed in all the chaos yesterday had apparently been the Yamagishi's' new apartment, and the fact that his own child had been involved in the fighting was reason enough for Mayumi's father to consider some real estate far, far away from Tokyo 3.
So the "epic love story" between him and Mayumi was supposed to be over before it really started... And to think that he'd been beginning to worry about what he should do in case she might ask him out...
It just wasn't fair, but it probably couldn't be changed; After all, his life had never resembled that of a typical 'hero'.
So the Third Child had no choice but to curse his life with a deep sigh and think about the best way to say goodbye to her.
He also didn't recognize a possible connection between the news of Mayumi's imminent departure and Asuka's atypical good mood, even though he appreciated her attempts to cheer him up in her own way, even though they had a tendency to make him embarrassed rather than happy.
"And, and, how was that again about my balls...?"
Touji sighed, finally giving up in the face of the persistently cheerful nag that Kensuke could sometimes be. "All right, all right, you're right. I admit it: Balls or no balls, these guys from NERV security are professionals..."
"Well, there you go." Kensuke beamed.
"Nevertheless, this security lady was creepy..."
"That's the same chick who came to get Shinji back then."
"Okeh, okeh... Speaking of which, it was a good thing that neither Mitsurugi nor the class rep found out about our little road trip to the surface..."
"The bad news is that our parents will most certainly now by tonight...And to think I had finally convinced my father to buy me these limited collector's editions of these model warships... By the way, including a scale model of the IJN Shikinami."
"What...?" Touji, who had just been in preemptive mourning over next month's worth of pocket money, suddenly found himself laughing out loud. "There's a warship called "Shikinami"?"
"Yap."
"Oh my God... That must have been a pretty scary warship."
"Well, actually the ship was around a long, long time before 'our' Shikinami..."
"Her fearsomeness transcends time itself!"
That was all it took for both boys to break out into loud laughter.
"And to think that we met her on a warship of all places!" Touji snorted.
"That was an aircraft carrier! The 'Shikinami' was a destroyer, that's something else altogether."
"You know, Kensuke, as far as I'm concerned these are all just big boats with cannons on them. On the other hand, our "dear friend" from the West is indeed quite... destructive."
In this manner, the boys continued their daily walk into the holy halls of education, though the usual way to school looking anything but "usual" - destroyed buildings to their left, destroyed buildings to their right, only the school had remained intact apart from the broken window fronts, as if to compund their suffering.
They couldn't get too excited about the possibility of its destruction, given that they had been inside the building for a portion of the battle, but neither did its continued existence give them much cause for joy.
One might have expected that they would at least get a day off after half the city had been reduced to rubble and ashes. But on the other hand, these fights here were almost part of everyday life by now - if one were to grant a sabbatical after each and every one of them, normal life in this city would come to a standstill - so the show had to go on, and precautions had been taken to make this possible - Since the very large, central buildings had been hidden deep down in the geofront at the time of the fight, at least a certain minimum of infrastructure was sure to remain intact;
It was important to keep the economy going somehow, especially with another major wave of evacuations on the horizon;
Even so, there had not been enough time for reconstruction. Some areas of the inner city were still closed down because the disposal of the angel's goopy remains was still ongoing.
A restless hive of public workers had cleared the streets the night before, just in time for morning rush hour, and even though some of the unfortunate buildings were still lying on the ground as untouched rubble, one could see with a single glance across the skyline how the areas in question were more and more overgrown with cranes and scaffolding like a rock covered in lichen – but as of now, the contrast between the battered buildings and their dazzlingly pristine siblings which had been hidden away in the geofront was still quite apparent.
For all that had been done to keep their lives here pleasant and comfortable, there was no denying that it was still a war zone.
One of these "amenities" designed to keep them rooted in harm's way was the policy that as long as the school was still standing, there would still be classes.
So, the boys ended up back in their classroom, its windows still busted and its blackboard still announcing the supposed school festival, but of course, some jokester had since aptly decorated the festive writing with a big, red 'X'.
"So much for our band then..." commented Touji.
"I guess we should have expected this..."
"Right..."
"By the way, is there any news about the transferee?"
"She's still in the hospital, but we probably won't see her again... It seems like she lost her house, and now her old man apparently wants to buy one that has a lower probability of being trampled by giant monsters."
"I guess there's nothing we can do..." commented Touji. "This town must be cursed... By the way, where's Shinji?"
"He's right over there." Reported Kensuke, pointing to a bunch of girls without much enthusiasm.
From the looks of it, they couldn't wait to hear about the next episode of Asuka's Dramatic Life, and of course, she would never have passed up the chance to bask in their attention as she spun them a yarn about yesterday's fight, making sure to embellish her own role in the events at every step of the way.
By the looks of it, Shinji had been dragged along to serve as part of the exhibit, and unsurprisingly enough, judged that his best shot at a painless escape involved just letting her do as she pleased until she got bored of it -
As one would expect, the Third Child didn't look very energetic in that role - At first, Touji felt tempted to tease him about it, something among the lines of 'Why the long face when you're so popular with the ladies?' , but the reason for Shinji's lack of enthusiasm quickly became apparent.
"And then I finally flattened that slimy giant insect creature like an ant under a hiking boot... Of course, I could have done it all on my own, but this time, Daddy's boy here actually provided some useful support for a change!" Asuka pointed to Shinji with an expansive gesture. "He must have been taking my advice to heart!
I know he really doesn't look that way (and most of the time you're not wrong about going by his looks), but if he wants to, he can be a lot more courageous and manly than you'd think!"
Shinji couldn't tell if that was sarcasm or just more of the usual mockery.
"Oh, so the rumors about you two are true...?"
"I admit that he would definitely be a better choice than 99% of the brain amputees at this school, but my heart chose Kaji-san a long time ago!".
"...Poor Ikari-kun."
"It must be a one-sided love."
"How tragic..."
"Oh yes, girls, have I ever told you about Kaji-san? He really is a man among men..."
Touji had to hold back his laughter. "Geez! Poor Shinji... Well, at least Shikinami is busy and leaves us alone."
"Oh yes," Kensuke agreed, leaning back in his chair with pleasure.
"Peace and quiet are simply the best!"
"So you helped to save Yamagishi-san?"
"Yep. Even though Dr. Akagi did most of the work."
Nagato's otherwise rather rigid facial features relaxed to a rare smile.
"I'm really proud to have a father who works on such great things as the salvation of mankind..."
While the sink full of dishes he was currently working through gave him a convenient excuse, they were not the only nor even the most prominent reason that led the elder Mitsurugi to avert his gaze. Even just from his son's voice, he could hear the smile toward which he'd turned his back, and if he were forced to face it outright, he would inevitably have to deal with the fact that he was utterly undeserving of it.
He'd been there to watch as they had cut open that pale, weak little girl – she must have been somebody's daughter, too, making it all too easy to imagine Nagato in her place, and to picture a future that appeared more certain with every day.
So he turned away, for a great many reasons, but chiefly, to hide his own facial expression.
When they'd first moved here, he'd been so grateful, so relieved, but now, he was beginning to hate this uncertainty and this false sense of peace that pervaded it.
He'd never wanted to be stuck in this situation, all he'd ever wished for was to see his son's smile again – alas, he had lacked the foresight to comprehend that he had not so much bought it back as merely borrowed it.
Or perhaps, he has simply refused to see it.
In any case, it was a sin, another reason to hide his face in shame.
He hadn't even thought to think of the long-term consequences, most likely, because the alternative would have been giving up.
If he'd chosen differently back then, they would never have had this time right now – Nagato seemed to happy as of late, perhaps happier than Minoru had ever seen him since the death of his mother.
So why wasn't that enough to silence his goddamned conscience?
If you knew that hard times were ahead, wouldn't it be reasonable to enjoy one's good fortune in the present?
Didn't every life end eventually? When had knowledge of death ever robbed the people of the ability to know joy?
Were humans truly such aimless, absurd creatures that they could only have hope because they could not see death standing right behind them as it slowly but surely encircled their necks with its scythe?
If he recalled it correctly, this was the third time he had entered NERV headquarters without having explicitly been asked to do so, but he wasn't completely sure either – Had this place already begun to register as 'normal' to him?
He would guess that it depended on whether or not he would have further reason to come here by himself.
At least the reason that brought him here this time was different than the last two times: He'd gone off to see Mayumi right after school - it was a happy coincidence that he had remembered the location of the bookstore where he'd come across her not too long ago - so he at least didn't come empty-handed. Of course, he could only hope that Mayumi didn't already own the two books he had bought and carried in the same brown bag that the salesman had wrapped them in, and that she would like them even if she didn't already have them.
He didn't really know what she might like, so he'd simply asked the store owner for his recommendations; He had also briefly debated with himself whether he should look for a shop where he could buy something like a string or a ribbon to at least decorate the simple brown bag with a bow, but ultimately came to the conclusion that he didn't want to waste half an hour looking for something that might not even be around in that neighborhood, and had made his way to the headquarters, where he first had to face the problem of finding the infirmary at all - until now he had always been escorted there if not carried in on a stretcher, so that he had never really been able to memorize the way to get there, and ended up having to ask a few passing NERV staff members for the right way.
But once he made it to the infirmary proper, the staff immediately recognized him and led past the corridor where his "usual" room was located, directly to Mayumi's room.
The nurse who had picked him up had also kind enough to tell him that Mayumi had experienced no further complications and that she would probably be released tomorrow... which also meant that this might be his last chance to see her.
What worried him, however, was the fact that he couldn't remember ever meeting this particular nurse - did she just know him from hearsay and see a picture of him somewhere, or had she been the one who had peeled him out of his plugsuit after he nearly got himself deep-fried by the Sixth Angel?
The thought was... unpleasant and, despite the lady's really commendable friendliness, he couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief when she left him alone outside the door - Mayumi had been moved to another room since yesterday, this time, one without see-through walls.
He hoped that this had something to do with her no longer needing all the machinery that was sticking out of her the other day.
But now was the time.
The time for him to move his hand to the doorknob.
It wasn't that hard - making sure that his other hand was firmly grasping the books he had bought and remembered that he had something to "deliver" here, so to speak, he began.
Yes, right, just like that, it wasn't that difficult at all.
Except that just when he had grasped the doorknob firmly and turned it about two-thirds of the way, he heard footsteps. Suddenly afraid that he might be asked something he couldn't or didn't want to answer properly, he turned around, at first without loosening his fingers from the doorknob - behind him stood a tall, dark-haired man, wearing silver-framed on his nose.
The Third Child had never seen him before.
"What are you doing here?" the stranger asked brusquely.
"I... I... I'm doing... nothing at all..." he tried to explain, now moving away from the door.
"Well, let's hope so."
And then, the stranger took the doorknob into his own hand and entered without hesitation.
It didn't take Shinji long to understand who that might be, and seeing that this person seemed to be here to see Mayumi made him consider that a certain other person would most certainly not be here if he were in Mayumi's situation...
Even if he could have waited for this man to leave the room again, even if he could have hidden to avoid being asked questions, he had lost his will to proceed.
He had this feeling of not belonging, of being very away, which he just couldn't handle at this moment.
She had something that he didn't have, and he didn't like it; Of course he knew that this was a petty, lowly thing to feel, especially under these circumstances; When they spoke in the hallways on what was now the day before yesterday, he hadn't dared to ask Misato if she thought he was a bad person and the reason, as it became increasingly clear to him, was that he already knew the answer – He'd merely been too much of a coward to stand there and suffer to hear it.
Or, if it wasn't envy, then it was just uncertainty or despair - whatever it was, he suspected that this sensation would stop making sense if he really thought about it, and so he avoided it.
If he hadn't run away, he might have frozen into a statue and never left this place in his life, paralyzed forever by the heavy, tar-like blackness that threatened to clog the source of his feelings if he didn't somehow manage to shake them out.
A moment ago his thoughts had been full of goals, of the advice he'd give to Mayumi before sending her on her way, of great, important things, but at the moment, when he could no longer hold back the thought of that man no matter how hard he tried to repress it, with the worst moment of his life, one of his first and at the same time the most painful memories repeating itself again and again in his innermost like a record, like writing etched into his soul like a tattoo or a brand, a mark on his skin that could never fade no matter how much he tried to wash it away, he saw himself reduced to nothing but the same helpless little child he had been on the day he had been thrown away, like the residue sticking to the edges in a crushed beverage can that had been stuffed into a trash can in a half-hearted but crushing manner -
Like an object that had been used time and time again until it could never be used again.
He couldn't shake off the feeling that he could still hear the footfalls of the steps that his father had taken on the day before, in this corridor, in a straight line right past him, ever quieter with the passage of time, but never completely silenced.
And if it wasn't the sounds, then at least the wound they had torn yesterday still remained, bloody and fresh, and now that nobody was here to cling to, nothing prevented them from simply opening again;
No, he definitely didn't have the courage or the strength to visit Mayumi anymore now -
When he thought of his father everything he thought he had achieved became meaningless.
What was he even trying to convince himself of?
The distance between them had not become the smallest bit smaller.
What Shinji didn't know was that the man who had just entered Mayumi's room was nothing to envy her for.
His first official act upon entering the room was to slap his daughter right across the face. She'd been sitting up in her sickbed, propped up by a pillow, trying to read one of her books, but he paid no mind to any of that.
"Mayumi" he shouted. "Are you out of your mind?"
Even before the pain of the blow reached her brain, she had already sent a prayer to the heavens, not for him to stop, but out of a desperate need for him to to know, for his anger to be born of her leaving the shelter only.
What she'd done, she'd done believing that she would never have to explain t, that she wouldn't be around to deal with the questions or the aftermath – a deceptive feeling of freedom for which she was now being punished by the reality she had turned her back on.
Nevertheless, she was glad... that she was still here.
She had decided that she still wanted to be here and that she was happy about it, and not even the person before her right now could change that - she trembled, she had to cling to her blanket, her whole body language was submissive and fearful like a shrew ready to flee at the slightest motion, but still she forced herself to look him in the eyes again; Her eyes alone were like steel.
Even though she could already anticipate the storm of harsh words that was about to follow with clairvoyant certainty, it was painful to have to stand up to him - but she tried; it was not a matter of being particularly confident or controlled;
If she didn't end up bursting into tears or begging his forgiveness, she would already consider it a victory.
"I... I know I... shouldn't have left the shelter, but there was something I had to do."
"Oh, I know exactly what you were up to... you selfish, selfish piece of dirt. You think this world is beneath your dignity, don't you? To say that 'everything is too much for you' is very simple, young lady! What will happen to me and everyone else, what we feel when you pull off your great stunt, you probably didn't care how... I didn't teach you such insane nihilism, Mayumi! You're an embarrassment to both of us!"
Here we go again, the same old ritual; Now came the part had come where she was supposed to admit her failure and beg for his mercy, as if this were little more than the usual scolding for a bad grade, yet another 'grievance' she had caused him by being 'dramatic', even if he was the one going on a long tirade while her only contributions consisted of the words "Yes, Sir!" and much hasty, frightened nodding.
He still refused to consider the possibility that the mistake could somehow be his, that he might have done anything to hurt her...
He didn't even take her seriously, not even at a time like this. In his eyes everything she did, and every single one of her thoughts and emotions, was nothing more than just another a childish phase: Her big questions, her deep sorrows, her most important decisions... if he took it seriously, he wouldn't spit on it, now would he?
But she had decided that she had enough.
She wasn't the type who was able to hate or resent; Her weak, gentle nature was something she'd have to live with.
She wished no misfortune unto the many peers who had excluded or overlook them, nor even to this man, but she did not want to suffer anymore.
It was just as Ikari-kun had said: Why should she be the one who had to leave this world...? Why should she be the one to suffer?
She had always thought that she deserved this - and maybe she had deserved it before because she had put up with it, but if that would make the difference, it was within her power to change that.
It was a strange feeling as if she were standing somewhere up high, where she felt the cool wind on her skin, like she did on that skyscraper, but instead of the depths below, it was the sky that called out to her.
"N-no..."
It was not a big, dramatic declaration, indeed, it was almost a whisper, but only almost; quiet, but not so quiet that one might accuse her of trying to hide the words.
She had spoken quite deliberately, specifically addressed to the only person who was here to hear it. A person who hadn't heard that particular word for a very, very long time.
"What did you say there...?!
"I... I said no...!" Her whole body trembled and her voice did too, but no matter how much effort it took, she refused to turn her gaze away.
"What do you mean, no?!
"No means no... That's not right..."
It was strange to think about it now, considering what happened, but as she'd gotten old enough to understand what happened to her mother, she'd spent much time thinking about it. She couldn't understand why it happened, or why anyone would choose such a fate – the common sentiment often deemed to explain it as a matter of cowardice, arrogance or egocentrism, but the more she thought about it, the more she had felt that there were only two possible reasons why anyone might choose death.
One was found in stories about rulers, warriors, and philosophers who had refused some unjust judgment and chosen death on their own terms to deny their enemies the opportunity to make a spectacle of their end or to make them turn traitor under torture; It was the choice of a monk to self-immolate or go on a hunger strike, the decision of those who chose to protect those persecuted under cruel regimes even if they knew the price. These were acts done to protect one's pride or dignity, or some other higher ideal, it was the proof that man was not merely a machine driven by instincts, genes, and psychological factors, that they could even defy the most fundamental drive for self-preservation if they so chose, a fruit of the same ability that allowed one to become a martyr or to give one's life for someone else – Of course not every ideal that someone had been ready to die for was actually a worthwhile cause, and one could always debate whether someone's death would truly advance that cause, but there was always something noble, sublime about these actions that went beyond the lower virtues of this earth.
But most men were not heroes or martyrs.
Most of those who left this world by their own hands were simply lonely, misguided people who, in a dark hour, overcome by feelings that made it impossible for them to see beyond the pain of the here and now. In many cases, their judgment would have been further by addiction or disease; They were simply people who resorted to a desperate measure because no one had told them that it was okay for them to be in this world, or because something beyond anyone's control had prevented them from truly hearing those words.
People who had never realized their worth, who had not known that they would tear a hole in this world and would probably have stayed if they had known that their disappearance would make a difference...
Here, too, Mayumi could not see any arrogance or ingratitude.
It was just sad.
Her mother's death was a sad thing.
But she had never really been allowed to be sad - be it out of anger at the woman who had "left" him, or to chase away any guilt he might had felt, her father had never liked it when she'd wanted to talk about her mother ...
So, she had kept her grief within herself and hidden it away, and with time, she had learned to do so with all of her feelings - This man was not someone to whom you could afford to show weakness to, and through him she learned to perceive this world and the people in it as hostile and frightening, so that even when she met people in school who had nothing to do with her father, she had difficulties opening up to them...
But she had no intention to go on like that.
If she had learned one thing from the events of the last days, it was that letting her tears run free could also be a kind of courage...
The feelings she cherished were not always noble or right, but they were hers, it was what made her herself... and she'd had enough of being ashamed of herself.
That alone was enough to make that man stare at her with wide eyes.
All of a sudden, he was forced to face that the little girl he had wanted to keep away from everything, especially all that had to do with her mother, had somehow grown up without him noticing.
He told himself that he'd done what he did for her own good, so that she wouldn't follow her mother's path into nothingness, but the truth was that he simply hadn't wanted to deal with her; The way she used to cling to his late wife's possessions reminded him of the painful past and the gnawing doubts about what role his own actions might have played in the events.
All those years, he'd thought he was making a sacrifice by cracking down on her with all his might, to stop her from going the wrong way even if she wouldn't understand it , but in truth, he had merely been an obstacle, a roadblock who had kept her from flying like a Mafioso-style concrete shoe hanging from her legs... He had only stood in her way, as nothing but a hurdle - a problem which she had now finally overcome.
The determination with which she stared into his eyes, despite her obvious fear, showed him that she had just accomplished something he had never been capable of... He himself had always been a coward, unable to stand up to his own father... Perhaps that was why he had exercised such hash control over his wife and daughter to at least have power in his own house.
That was probably the worst thing about his mistakes, that he'd gone on to make them even though he should know the pain he had been inflicting better than anyone.
Powerless, he took a look at his daughter and was forced to admit that she had become stronger than him.
The only thing that remained to be said was that the situation in the Yamagishi household changed significantly from that day on.
Would it have made the Third Child happy if he had known about that?
The question mark had its justification considering that he was presently in the process denouncing the substance or reality of every ounce of happiness he might ever have encountered in this city, going so far as to conclude that there was no reason to expect good things anywhere in the future.
The meeting with Mayumi's father, or rather the carefully repressed thoughts of his own father and the way he had simply walked past him the other day, had simply taken the wind out of his sails and left him behind like a drifting shipwreck, completely abandoned except for a few forgotten, stowaways who, by hiding, had never learned that they should have left the steadily sinking ship a long, long time ago.
Shinji didn't even care where he was running to anymore, he just wanted to leave, and be somewhere else instead, the exact details of that 'somewhere else' being wholly irrelevant.
Soon he wasn't even running anymore, but just walking aimlessly, even if he was careful not to stop, never knowing before the fact where the next step would take him, as if driven some an animal instinct or the curse of a witch, like a werewolf running after the moon, or a little child helplessly looking after the balloon it had accidentally released, painfully watching the colorful dot disappear further and further into the atmosphere, and not even receiving the opportunity to follow it until it faded because everything around him was pushing him to move on.
It was simply too much, too often, and always everything at once, in every possible way... His life had become an assault from all sides.
The earlier encounter had merely been the straw that broke the camel's back and shattered the fragile balance.
He couldn't stand it any longer, he didn't want to, he couldn't...
Only this morning, he'd thought his life was finally looking brighter... but was that an illusion?
He couldn't figure out this wild mix of feelings, and, now that he was thinking about it, he couldn't make much sense of his physical surroundings either - He hadn't been paying very much attention to where he was going, and now he had just as little idea where he might have ended up - The corridor seemed a little darker than most others, but he couldn't say much more about it either - His last few meaningful thoughts had taken place in the infirmary.
He had to be somewhere deep in the heart of Labyrinth, in fact, he wouldn't be surprised if some kind of Minotaur jumped around the next corner, given the current craziness of his life. The maze surrounding his body seemed like a seamless continuation of the maze inside his heart-
It was as if fate wanted to garnish its cruel work with a cherry on top. As if feeling depressed wasn't bad enough, he was now also lost.
At his own workplace, to boot!
As if having to put up with Asuka in the mornings wasn't enough punishment in and of itself!
He could very well imagine what she would say if she could see him now – he probably made for a rather pitiful sight.
If she were here, she would probably urge him to regain his bearings in some moderately uncouth manner...
"Ikari-kun?"
(1) Well, at least someone found him, so the next chapter will not consist of an increasingly moody Shinji looking for a way out of NERV HQ. Find out what happens instead in Chapter 2.18: [Flickering Image]