Chapter 36

The car was freezing. Stephanie turned the key ninety degrees in the ignition as her body shivered and her teeth began to lightly chatter. Her foot pressed down firmly on the gas pedal and as the engine roared into life she thanked her lucky stars that she'd never aspired to become an officer of the law. Stakeouts sure weren't all they were cracked up to be. They might look quite exciting and all in the movie theatre but like most things in life, in reality it was a completely different story. She was stiff and sore. Her hands felt like chunks of ice and she couldn't remember the last time she had experienced any feeling in her toes. She was completely chilled to the bone and wouldn't be surprised if her ass was frozen to this grey leather driver's seat, it was that cold in here.

As the steady blast of air loudly hissed through the vents of the heaters, Stephanie wrapped her arms around herself impatiently waiting to welcome the heat that would penetrate her skin, helping to thaw out the numbness. Of course she should really question her own sanity for being out in the middle of the night in sub-zero temperatures in the first place. It was at least minus ten outside with the current cold snap of the past couple of days quickly breaking any promise that spring was on the way. No doubt sitting parked like this on the street would be a sure fire way of catching her death with either flu or pneumonia being strong contenders the way things were shaping up. It also didn't help that she was already coming down with something, she was absolutely sure of it. She had felt like shit all week and should probably be tucked up in bed trying to ward off whatever bug was lurking around in her system, not to mention the fact she was practically dead on her feet with work and her glands had definitely looked swollen this morning when she had checked them in the mirror. Of course her health paled into insignificance after what had happened today leaving her no option but to just sit here and wait. She didn't have any other choice. She had to find Paul.

There had been no answer at the apartment when she knocked on the door. The windows two floors above her on the opposite side of the street were still cloaked in darkness and were testament to the fact that no one was there. It had been the same story when she had gone to the gym, the late hour guaranteeing that business was over for the day and that everyone had left for home, well everyone that was except for Paul.

Shifting uncomfortably in the seat, Stephanie felt her cheeks begin to tingle with the warmth of the heater and slowly her anger bubbled to the surface when for the millionth time that night she wondered just where in the hell he was. She desperately needed him and he wasn't here. Of course her efforts to call him on his cell phone over and over again had been a total waste of her energy. Every single call had gone unanswered although really, she didn't expect anything else. It had been that way for the better part of three weeks now. It appeared Paul's decision to cut her out of his life was pretty permanent on his part yet it was the complete opposite for her. She was determined not to give up on him. Quite simply, she couldn't. She just couldn't imagine her life without him. She had been leaving messages every single day hoping against hope that at some point he would hear her heartfelt apologies and forgive her and eventually her phone would ring. It never did though, at least not because of him. Deep down she knew that Paul more than likely refused to listen to anything she had to say, probably deleting the messages the second he saw the little envelope in the corner of his screen signalling it was there. Still, she had left another for him tonight hoping that he would somehow realise he needed to listen to this one, hoping he could sense the urgency in her voice if he did and hear the slight tremble in her words when she had asked him to contact her urgently. Of course she couldn't tell him the reason why, not over the phone, not like that which was why she was sitting here.

Swallowing thickly and blinking back the hot tears that threatened to fall, Stephanie placed her hand over the vents just to her right, feeling her long fingers droop and relax, drawn to the pull of the hot air circulating around them. Her sad glossy blue eyes looked through the windshield, settling on the end of the brightly lit street ahead, a deserted street that was covered in a powdery frost that twinkled in the bright white moonlight. It was the same street that she had drunkenly staggered along more times than she cared to remember. She would usually be on her way home from Jack's and more often than not her body would be propped up against Paul, his arm gently hugging her waist steadying her, guiding her in the direction of their apartment. She'd lost count how many times he had saved her from falling on her ass. How she wished he would walk along that same road and save her right now. The bar was the only other place she could think of that he could be, well the only place her mind allowed herself to acknowledge anyway. Still, she knew the possibility of Paul being there now was slim to none. Last orders had been issued at Jack's long before she had even realised he wasn't at home, the clanging of the old rusty bell above the bar falling silent hours ago after reminding the patrons to drink up and get the hell out. That left only one other place, a place that every time she considered it, it drove a dagger through her heart, her chest becoming painfully tight knowing that Paul was in all probability with her, that girl ….Rachel.

Christ, it even pained her to think of her name but it pained her even more to know that there was every chance he was lying in her bed right now, holding her and loving her the way he had once held and loved her. Of course the fact he wasn't holding her now was no one's fault but her own. After all, she'd lost all right to being in his arms the second she had taken his heart and mistreated it, letting her fear and her guilt stop her from handling it with the proper care it deserved. And then she had to go and accuse of him not caring about her when she'd found out about Luke, practically taking their friendship and throwing it back in his face.

Stephanie let out a shaky breath as she tucked her brown strands behind her left ear. She knew it was those actions that had pushed Paul so far away that she wasn't sure she could ever get him back. Once or twice she had even let herself contemplate the cold hard fact that she might have to find a way to exist without him. She didn't know if she could. She missed Paul so much that at times she physically ached for him especially lying in the darkness all alone with all the time in the world to think about him. Paul had been such an important part of her life for so long and it felt so empty without him in it but she had nobody to blame for that but herself. She was her own worst enemy. God, she really had been such a fool, a fucking stupid fool who had probably lost one of the pure, true things in her life. Now she could be about to lose another.

Feeling the lump rise in her throat, Stephanie let her thoughts drift to Matt. Her heart had broken seeing him lying in that recovery room tonight. She'd been on the ward tending to a nine year old girl with breathing difficulties when she'd gotten the page to go the emergency room. Ironically enough it had been Luke waiting there at the double sliding doors for her, his concerned grey eyes watching her carefully as he informed her that Matt had been involved in a car accident. He had suffered some internal injuries and his spleen had ruptured requiring emergency surgery. His condition was listed as critical. His parents had been informed and were on their way across state. Naomi was waiting upstairs for them. A strangled cry had escaped from Stephanie's lips as his words had sunken in and as Luke had reached his hand out to comfort her, she'd batted it away quickly spinning on her heel and racing down the corridor to be with Matt.

The recovery room was at the bottom end of the long, thin corridor and the sharp smell of disinfectant had hit her the second she had opened the door. Matt was in the second bed on the left. It was the colour of his skin that she had noticed first as she had stood beside him. It was deathly pale under the bright glare of the lights and she'd never been so glad to hear the steady beeping of the monitor next to her. It reminded her that Matt was still very much alive with his matted dark hair plastered to his head and the veins in his temple that stuck out ominously like thick green-blue threads. There was a row of neat butterfly stitches just above his left brow and his bottom lip was cut and swollen. The evidence of his other injuries, the ones that had been serious enough to require surgery, had been thankfully concealed by the heavy white hospital blanket draped across his chest. She wasn't ready to see them, not just yet and as she'd cautiously taken his hand in hers, Stephanie had been somewhat soothed by his warmth. As she gripped his fingers tightly, she had silently prayed that Matt would open his eyes and get through this. At one point she'd even plea bargained with the man upstairs promising to visit church on a more regular basis in return for getting her friend back. That was when Naomi had entered the room, her tear streaked face evidence of her personal sorrow. They had briefly embraced before solemnly turning their attention once more to Matt. It wasn't long after that it had suddenly hit her that she had to find Paul and tell him what had happened. She had raced out of the hospital and now here she was still waiting for him.

Stephanie sighed heavily and was about to contemplate calling him one last time when a car slowly trundled past her and the beam of the headlights swept across the corner. That was when she saw him emerge from the shadows and walk towards her.

Her heart leapt to her throat and she placed her hand on her chest as if to steady it. She suddenly felt warm all over as her blue eyes fixed on his unmistakable frame. His hands were stuffed in his leather coat pockets and his shoulders hunched forward as they attempted to block out the bitter wind that blew through the long strands of his hair. His slightly exaggerated movement told her that Paul had been drinking. She wondered where he had been. Paul was a creature of habit and it was unlike him to go anywhere but Jack's. Although that wasn't strictly true of course. He'd been somewhere she never expected him to be the night he had discovered Luke with that woman. The night he'd been on a date with what's her face. Thankfully Paul was alone and she was nowhere to be seen. This was going to be hard enough without having that to contend with.

Letting out a shaky breath, Stephanie switched off the ignition as her left hand hovered over the door handle trying to find the courage to step out into the street and confront the man she loved, the man she hadn't seen for almost thirty four days now. Funny how those days had felt like years to her. Still none of that mattered right now. What mattered was Matt and both of them being there for him.

Steeling herself before she lost her nerve, Stephanie opened the car door and stepped out into the night. The tip of her boots kicked against the frost spraying the fine powder across the sidewalk as her nose nipped against the cold. Her breath was a thin trail of vapour as she threw the car door shut, the soft thud echoing loudly down the street. That was when Paul lifted his head up and looked in her direction. There was no mistaking the look of stunned surprise on his face when he saw her standing there. As their eyes connected, Stephanie's breath caught in her throat. She briefly glanced down at the sidewalk, shifting her feet, needing a moment to compose herself. Seeing him again had overwhelmed her. Clasping her fingers together awkwardly, she slowly allowed her gaze to travel upwards. Paul was so close she could smell the spicy scent of his cologne that carried in the wind mixed in with the stale smell of beer that lingered around him. Her blue eyes started to hungrily drink him in from the faded denim jeans to the pale blue shirt that she recognised beneath the partially buttoned coat. She was sure it had been a birthday present from his parents just this past July. His long blonde strands hung neatly over his shoulders and they looked particularly soft tonight, soft like silk. Shaking her head reluctant to dwell one second on the memory of how they felt against her fingertips, Stephanie deliberately moved her eyes to his face once more, his beautiful, handsome face. She took in every feature carefully committing it to her mind like she might never see him again. She knew that no matter how long she looked though, her memory could never do him justice. It certainly hadn't over the last month or so and God knows she'd spent enough time thinking about him. In fact, she just couldn't get Paul out of her head. He was constantly on her mind and even her heart stubbornly refused to let go gripping on tightly to every spoken word and every tender touch that had passed between them. Their time together had been so brief yet it would take her more than this lifetime to forget him. Not that she wanted to forget. Not ever.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

His deep, gravelled voice snapped her back to reality. Stephanie's top lip curled into a snarl, one that currently matched the one adorning Paul's face. She shook her head, pushing back the loose strands that whipped across her face.

"Well, you would know that if you took the time to answer your damn phone."

"What….?"

"Although I shouldn't be surprised." she continued, cutting him off. "I mean it's not like you answer any of my calls lately."

His slightly glazed brown eyes glared back at her as he licked his lips. "Steph, is there a reason for all of this or are you just here to chew me out?"

She released a slow breath as her anger slowly began to slip away, her emotions at the thought of Matt getting the better of her once more. She slowly shook her head blinking back the hot tears that welled up in her eyes. She resisted the urge to throw herself into his arms hoping Paul would make it all better because that was what he did. He would take her in his arms and he would make everything better no matter how horrible things seemed. Or at least that was how it used to be.

"Paul, where the hell have you been? I've been waiting here for hours. There's something I've got to tell you…."

"Yeah well, save it because I'm not interested in anything you've got to say." he slurred.

Stephanie's mouth dropped open, stunned as Paul abruptly walked away from her swaying slightly, his anger more than evident as he burst open the door to the apartment block. Her eyes lingered on his massive back as she watched him disappear into the familiar grey stone building. Paul's eyes had been black with his rage and although she knew she had hurt him, up until now it never really hit her just how much. He had hardly been able to look at her then and he obviously couldn't get away from her fast enough. He obviously didn't want to be around her. God, what the hell had she done to him? Paul was always so generous and giving and usually to a fault. He had such a big heart too and never stayed mad for long no matter what the circumstance. But of course that heart worked differently now she had broken it and she wasn't being a bit conceited in thinking that way. She knew Paul's heart was broken. She recognised the signs. The haunted, empty expression he wore was the same one she recognised every single time she saw her own reflection in the mirror, the only difference being that her wounds were self inflicted.

Slowly walking in the direction of the apartment block, the place that used to be her home, Stephanie followed Paul into the building. As her heels echoed against the concrete floor, she knew she didn't have a choice but to try and make him listen to her. She owed him that and she also owed it to Matt.

As she climbed the stairs, she took in her surroundings and when she reached the second floor she recognised the faint musty smell in the hallway but tomorrow would be Sunday and Mrs Benson would mop the floor on a Sunday washing that smell away. Instead the sharp scent of disinfectant would welcome the inhabitants, the same clean sterile smell that had hit her when she had walked into that recovery room tonight.

"Shit!"

Stephanie saw Paul standing at the end of the hallway, his thick fingers fumbling with the keys in his hand as he searched for the small brass Yale that would open the front door. Her footsteps deliberately slowed as she approached him cautiously.

"Need a hand with those?"

His brow creased with his scowl as he looked up, the soft light from ceiling bulb casting faint shadows across his face. The keys dangled between his fingertips as his brown eyes narrowed in her direction.

"I thought I told you I didn't want to talk to you."

"Yeah, well I always did have the annoying habit of doing the complete opposite of what anyone said." she quipped. She felt a little encouraged when Paul gave a light snort.

"You got that right."

His attention turned back to his set of keys. As his clumsy fingers tried to separate them, Stephanie stood in front of him, holding her own slender hand out towards him.

"Here. Let me or we'll be here all night."

She swallowed thickly as their eyes connected for the briefest of seconds, the keys eventually hitting her palm with a light thud making her arm fall slightly as Paul looked away once more. The hallway was silent as she found the key she was looking for nestled in the centre of the bunch like it always was and as she slid it into the lock of the red painted door there was a bittersweet rush of familiarity, like she was coming home.

As it creaked open, she stepped aside to let Paul through, her days of simply walking in to the apartment uninvited now well and truly over. However, he remained still in the doorway sighing heavily lifting his shoulder in a shrug.

"So why are you here, McMahon?"

Paul's beautiful eyes were tentative as Stephanie ignored the pang in her chest at the use of her last name. No one else but Paul ever used her last name like that. She sighed softly, tilting her head to the side and gesturing towards the doorway.

"Let's go inside, huh? I don't want to do it out here."

There was a beat as he mulled over her request before eventually nodding his head ever so slightly and walking into the darkness. As she followed on behind him, Paul switched on the lamp bathing the hallway in a soft yellow glow. The door clicked shut as he turned and raked his fingers through his hair letting it fall gently around his face. Stephanie thought that in that moment he had never looked more beautiful to her.

"So, what is it?" he asked, his brown eyes glancing everywhere but at her.

She sighed and clasped her fingers together rolling her lips over one another. "There's not really an easy way to say this."

"Say what?" he asked impatiently, his feet shifting underneath him.

Stephanie's blue eyes looked directly at him, her stomach churning anxiously inside. "It's Matt, Paul. He's been in an accident."

Paul was startled by her words, his brown eyes opening wide as his words stumbled from his mouth. "Wh-what? When?"

"Tonight." she told him. "Apparently he was on his way home from work when some idiot ran a red light and hit him."

Paul shook his head slowly in stunned disbelief. "How…..how is he?"

"He was pretty bad." she admitted, her voice wavering with her emotion. "He had internal injuries….." She paused for a second needing the time to keep her emotions in check. She sniffed, letting out a shaky breath "He had injuries that required surgery and although the operation was successful, they really won't know anything until he wakes up."

"Jesus!"

Stephanie watched as Paul began to pace around in front of him, his big hand pushing back his hair before briefly resting on the top of his head.

"I can take you to the hospital." she offered.

Paul nodded automatically letting his hand drop to his side. "Okay."

His face was pale and his eyes were glassy brown pools as he struggled to take it all in. He bit down on his lip and turned to Stephanie, his lost expression reminding her of a small child.

"Should I take some of his stuff?" he asked her in a hushed tone. "You know like a toothbrush or something to wear?"

Stephanie smiled and shook her head knowing Paul was in no fit state to start hunting through Matt's belongings. "Why don't you make us some coffee and I'll get a bag of his things together."

Paul quickly shook his head. "I don't want coffee."

"You need coffee, Paul." she stressed. "You need to sober up. You can't visit him like this, not in this state."

Her hand lightly touched his arm before she dropped her head and made her way to Matt's room. It was only when her back was turned that Paul trusted himself to let his eyes really see her and felt that empty place in his chest, the empty place where his heart used to belong. That was before he had given it to Stephanie of course and despite everything that had gone on between them, it still belonged with her. It seemed that the harder his mind tried to forget all about her, the more stubbornly his heart wanted to hold on. To put it in a nutshell, he was still head over heels in love with her and just didn't have a clue how to stop.