Resolutions

When she woke New Year's morning Harper knew that she would have to make an effort to mend bridges with Daphne. Still, she was glad that Daphne and her classmates wouldn't return for a few days. While she had been rude, she wasn't over it enough yet to apologize. Poppy and Steven asked her about New Year's resolutions. She told them something about studying hard which satisfied them, but she didn't tell them about her new resolution to herself — become a girl in body as well as mind.

It wasn't that she hadn't thought about regaining her femininity before. It was just that everything else had felt more urgent. It had taken Daphne's party to realize that she was in danger of losing her true gender. So she made the most of her unsupervised days to search the Hogwarts library for any means to change her gender. While she didn't find transgendered in the card catalog it wasn't hard to find some information about gender swapping and it was mostly the same thing she had found out in the summer. There were no simple spells that would let her change gender. In her books of curses she did find a hex that would grow breasts on a boy, but like most hexes it was intended to humiliate the victim and didn't last very long. Polyjuice would allow her to become a girl again for a short while, but according to Moste Potente Potions the duration of a Polyjuice Potion was significantly reduced when the used cross-gender.

She skimmed several books on 'witch magic'. There seemed to be a general belief that wizards were better at combat magic and curses while witches were better at healing. However, the books aimed directly at girls were spells and potions for cooking, sewing, enchanting clothes, cleaning and beauty magic. From Harper's perspective these were all colored by gender prejudice. They didn't flat out say that witches should be at home raising kids, but they sure implied it. At least Hogwarts only had the books in the library and didn't try to force witches into some wizarding version of home economics. She did find some magic that was for girls only, but fertility potions, contraceptive spells, and a blood absorption charm to control a witch's menstrual flow would not help her become a girl again.

Her best hope seemed to be human transfiguration. The magic was straightforward enough. It would even be taught at Hogwarts by McGonagall in sixth year. It basically let any wizard duplicate the abilities of a metamorphmagi like Tonks with a wand and much effort. Just a light skim through the books showed that male to female transfigurations were possible. She would never be able to bear children, but with five years of applied effort, she would be able to take on a female form again. Although she was determined to do it in less than five years. If Peter Pettigrew could manage the animagus transformation while still at Hogwarts, then she should be able to manage a male to female self transformation before sixth year. Up until now she had been working ahead on all her courses equally. Harper decided it was time to change that and put an increased focus on transmutation. She also set herself the intermediate goal of becoming an animagus. That was a good idea anyway. History had a habit of repeating. While she planned to avoid being tied and wandless in a graveyard at the end of fourth year, being an animagus was a good back-up plan.

Not surprisingly the books for the animagus transformation were in the restricted section. That didn't worry Harper too much. She was still on her first year transfiguration book. For now she would just make transfiguration her most important course and push her way through it faster. Next time she was in Diagon Alley, she'd could slip away and buy what she needed at Obscurus Books. If that didn't work out, she'd try to pressure Octavia again. Until then she would practice transfiguration

Not that she spent all her time with transfiguration. She read her muggle exercise books and tried out the weights she'd received for Christmas. The muggle books on exercise made it clear that running was good for you, but weight lifting was better at building total fitness. The books did not say that lifting weights was boring as hell. Harper loved to go jogging. It made her feel alive, which was something her exercise books called the runner's high, caused by a release of endorphins. She didn't get the same kind of joy out of lifting weights. Nor was she particularly interested in cultivating manly muscles. After all she planned to be a girl again. The weights seemed to be a bad choice for her. If electronic devices worked at Hogwarts she would have tried aerobics, but without a work-out video just jumping around didn't work for her either. In the end she decided to stick with what worked for her. Jogging made her feel alive. Once the lake got warm enough, maybe she would alternate swimming and jogging. It just might come in handy during the Tri-Wizard Tournament in a few years.

Before she knew it the holidays were over and everyone was back for the new term. She moved back into the Slytherin rooms and tried to fit in again. It was good to see Theo again and Hermione, but dealing with Daphne was just awkward. However, to her surprise Daphne sought her out on the second morning following one of her jogs.

In what was becoming a familiar ritual she walked along the lake with Daphne at her side while Theo and Tracey followed behind. "So, what do I owe the honor of your company, Miss Greengrass?"

Daphne tugged her cloak about her. "You used to call me Daphne."

"And you used to call me Harry." Harper kicked herself mentally. She needed Daphne's friendship to practice occulumency and she was being an ass. She was supposed to apologize.

"I talked to my mum. She explained some things about boys and girls. Not the Talk. We had that already. This was more about timing. She explained that girls mature more gradually, like a stroll along a path. We go from indifferent, to hesitant, to curious, to interested. Where boys mature more suddenly. You stay clueless for years and then switch to randy like jumping in a lake."

Harper felt very amused. Having been a girl, she had a good perspective of both sides of the fence. "I think I get your drift, but I'm not clueless. I'm aware of the possibilities in the future, but I'm not interested in them today."

Daphne nodded. "Mum said that Daddy was trying to force things. I suppose that I was as well. That doesn't mean that I forgive you for being rude, but I'm sorry for pushing."

"Apology accepted." Honestly she was shocked that Daphne apologized first. Harper hadn't dated, but she'd seen enough to know how the dating game worked. The boy was always wrong. The girl was always right. After Daphne's apology, she felt like she was the one who had been a jerk. "I'm sorry that I was rude. I didn't mean to be. I felt like I had no choice, and I don't like that."

"No choice? Try walking in my shoes for a few miles. I had very little choice before, and while I'm grateful to you for saving my life, I have fewer choices now. You're not helping, Harry Potter. I won't fall at your feet like Pansy, but it hurts that your first choice is obviously that Granger girl."

Harper shook her head and sighed. "It's not Hermione. I keep telling you that I'm not interested in either of you that way."

"As you say, Mr. Potter." The ice princess façade was showing a lot of cracks. She looked away gazing out at the lake.

"I'm not lying to you. You're going to help me with my occulumency remember? I'm probably not going to be able to keep you out for some time. So you're going to get a good look at the real me."

Daphne looked back. "You still want to go through with that after the party?"

Harper nodded. She still wasn't sure she could trust Daphne, but she was even less sure about trusting Dumbledore. "Yes, I need to learn it. I need to master it."

Daphne's indifferent face thawed into a smile. "I'm not a master occulumens, but if you want my help, you'll have it."

While that scared Harper because she had layers upon layers of secrets, it needed to be done. "When can we get started? I haven't heard from your father yet about meeting with Lord Malfoy, but I expect that to happen soon."

"I'm to tell you that as well. Third Saturday in February. Lord Malfoy and my father will come to see the Slytherin vs. Ravenclaw Quidditch game. They'll stay after and want to talk to you then."

Harper felt relieved. "Good. That will give us some time to practice occulumency. How are we going to do it? I really don't want Theo and Tracey watching us."

"No, I don't want to do that either. Occulumency lessons are very personal. Tracey will certainly notice that I'm going off by myself, but I don't have to tell her why. Avoiding Pansy and Millie will be harder. We travel as a group for protection."

Harper thought it said a lot about Slytherin that the girls in other houses didn't feel a need to be together at all times for protection. "What if we did it early in the morning when Theo and I usually go jogging? I found out that I'm probably overexercising. Five days of aerobic exercise a week is enough. I could skip two mornings and we could do occulumency practice in one of the dungeon rooms nearby."

Daphne seemed to think about it a bit before replying. "That will work. Theo and Tracey will know we're meeting, but I think we can trust them. We'll just tell them we're both making an effort to actually get to know each other."

"In a way that will be true. So... can we go back to being Harry and Daphne then?"

Daphne shook her head. "You can call me Daphne, I don't mind. In fact, I like it, but I'm going to stick with calling you Mr. Potter."

"Why?"

"The formality helps me remember my place relative to you, Mr. Potter. You hold my life debt. It would be easy to forget that, but I can't pretend it isn't there."

Harper was a girl, but she could barely follow that logic. She could see why guys wrote off girls as incomprehensible. "Very well, then I suppose I shouldn't forget either, Miss Greengrass. Let's plan for the first one on Saturday morning. That way we won't have classes." More importantly she'd have a full day without classes to manage Daphne if she freaked out over what she was likely to see.

"Agreed, Mr. Potter."

Harper had a couple of days to second guess her decision. She wasn't at all convinced of the wisdom of allowing Daphne Greengrass inside her head. She was taking a big risk. However, she had also learned a lesson down in the Chamber of Secrets — doing nothing was also a risk. She had known the basilisk and Quirrellmort needed to die, but she'd ignored them. Not learning occulumency was a risk. Still she had the feeling she was risking everything in just two days. It made her feel nervous and it made her feel alive.

It wasn't the first time she'd felt that way. She'd felt it heading into chemo and radiation therapy. She'd felt it before destroying Ravenclaw's diadem. The possibility of doom and the uncertainty of life. Just like on those occasions it made her think about what was truly important to her and the answer was her friends and family. She ate dinner with Steven and Poppy Pomfrey twice and stayed the night with them once. She sought out Myrtle in her bathroom and just talked with her for a while. She spent extra time studying with Hermione and dueling with Theo.

Hermione had spent a lot of time studying over her vacation and came back ready to compete for best student of the year. Harper was still ahead of her bushy-haired friend, but was amazed at the way Hermione was closing the gap. She also had something for Hermione. "Your mother would only let me spend so much on books for you, but I have one extra book that I wanted you to have for Christmas." She passed the book to Hermione.

"Meditations for the Mind? I'll certainly give it a read, but I'm not sure I believe in meditation. It all seems very unscientific to me, like divination."

Harper laughed. "Hermione, you're a witch. Magic is about as unscientific as you can get. Meditation is the cornerstone of occulemency, the art of protecting your mind from being read."

Hermione gasped. "There is magic that can read minds? Why haven't I heard of it?"

"It's called legilimency and it is illegal, but many wizards know it anyway. I've been practicing meditation for several months now. I think you'll find that it will help."

"Well, if you've tried it and it works, then I'll try."

"Thank you, Hermione." Harper didn't say it, but this was important to her, because Hermione was probably her best friend. Daphne already knew occulumency, but she wanted to tell Hermione the truth about herself someday in the near future. She tried not to lie to Hermione, but she was holding back so much it felt like lying.

On Friday morning as she walked back to the castle with Theo after their morning duel and workout out of the blue Theo asked a very interesting question, "Harry, what do you have to do to be an astronaut?"

The question took Harper completely by surprise. Theo, as pureblooded a wizard as they come, wanted to be an astronaut? "Honestly it's very difficult. You pretty much have to be a Yank or a Russian. Most astronauts, and all the pilots, come from the air forces for their respective countries. So for your best chance, you would have to join a muggle military, learn to fly muggle jets, and become part of their elite forces."

Theo sighed. "Is that the only way? I keep looking at those pictures of men walking on the moon and that is what I want to do when I grow up."

Harper didn't know what to say. Cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, and astronauts were all boy stuff. So in a way it made sense, but not for a wizard. Maybe it was just a phase. Then again, maybe it wasn't. At the very least Theo was her friend, so she had to take it seriously. "It isn't the only way. Just the most direct path. Not all astronauts are pilots. They send up mission specialists as well: doctors, engineers, and scientists. They have to be in good physical shape and at the top of their fields. It would be possible, but really, really difficult."

"Oh, I am getting in good shape jogging with you and muggle school can't be any harder than Hogwarts can it?"

She blew out a breath. "I think muggle schools are much harder than Hogwarts. You'd have to study math and science." She had a dream herself though, curing cancer. Who was she to take away Theo's dream? "What about magic, Theo? Why can't wizards go to the moon? How high can a broom fly?"

"I don't know. Madame Hooch always says to stay low, but I think that is so we stay within the wards and muggle planes don't spot us flying around. If you fly too high that it gets cold and the air gets thin."

Harper nodded. "Yes, but does it have to be a broom to fly? I believe there are flying carpets aren't there?" For that matter Arthur Weasley enchanted a car to fly. "What if you made a closed capsule like the astronauts use to keep in air and warmth and enchanted it to fly?"

Theo's mouth dropped open. "That just might work! I think it can be done. There are reasons for brooms, they have a wooden sheath and a magical core like a wand, but other objects can be enchanted to fly."

"It will take more than that, Theo. The Apollo Project cost the Yanks billions and thousands of people working for years. Magic might make it easier, but you'll likely still need to go to muggle school. You would need to study engineering. That's how muggles build things with science. You would need to learn how to navigate in space and how to build a self-contained capsule that you could survive in."

He nodded his head eagerly. "Right, but the muggle stuff will be just background. I think I could sell my father on that if most of it was magical research."

"Don't underestimate muggle science. Travelling in space is dangerous…" She started to mention the movie Apollo 13 and the space shuttle disasters, but she didn't know the timing on those. Was the movie out yet? When did the space shuttles blown up? "… but if you do this, your name will go down in wizarding history like Neil Armstrong did in muggle history. It will cost money, but you know what? I'm going to be rich someday. I don't know how much money is in the Potter vaults, but I'll help back this project."

"You would do that for me? I'll need to know broom-making. That's Charms and Ancient Runes mostly, maybe Arithmancy for spell research."

Harper grinned. She was getting into this herself. Maybe it didn't have a thing to do with curing cancer, but it was another bridge between the muggle and magical worlds. "You'll need muggle math and science as well. I'll help tutor you to get you started, but you'll need to go beyond what I learned at muggle school."

The were almost at castle. Theo stopped and put an arm on Harper's shoulder. "Harry, do you really think it can be done?"

Why couldn't it? "Yes, I think it could. Brooms fly without fuel. Muggle rockets have to be so big because they have to carry tons of fuel to lift a small payload to orbit. I don't think a magically powered spacecraft would have those limitations. It will take years of hard work and a lot of risk, but yes, it can be done."

"Wow. I could go to the moon! Harry, would you come with me?"

"Theo if you get this thing to work, I'll be there with you!" Being an astronaut had never been her dream, but Theo's dream was contagious. Why not dream big?