I refuse to justify my slow update. I'm sick of having to excuse myself and you've all heard them all anyway.
Kontraband: Too bad, Tinkerbelle is your name and it shall remain that way!
Apollamarine: Why thank you! I'd rather NOT answer that because I have no frikkin idea, but um…god dammit, I really do have no idea.
DragonRider2000: Thanks!
FreakyD45663: Yeah, well, I was young and idealistic. Now I'm young and cynical! Ah, the joy of life.
Liana-Wolfe: Keep your winking to yourself, don't you know your eyes can stick that way?
SpiceChaiPrincessOfDoom: I never saw the Matrix…I really want to though.
sock monkeys: Oh my god I know didn't they pick The best looking actors to play those pirates?
LM1991: That is entirely the screenplay-writers' fault. I use their humor as backup for my own.
wolf-lvr-1: Thank you! Look, how soon can I update? I GAVE fair warning: 2 months!
Voldy's Worst Nightmare: Hey, you're back with your maniacal laughter!
Michaela: Wow, thank you! I'm a horrible judge of my own work, I can never tell if I'm funny or not.
Adriannrod Svit-Kona Sama: They grow up so fast, don't they? Actually Hilaria and I went to Anime Boston this past year, it was so much fun. And of course I remember you, I was still surprised to be getting reviews back then!
Sarrebham1: Well, I'm sorry. Hey, at least I don't leave my stories for like a year. My longest time is 6 months, and never on this story!
Rayvn Nightshade: Hey, use whatever idea comes to mind, and the hell if it's been used already. I would have loved to do the spontaneous reference, but I didn't think of it…damn…
WARNING: this chapter contains several jokes made at the expense of the British people. Sorry, but you know how Americans love making fun of you. No offense meant by any of it.
Chapter Thirty-Five: Bugger Off!
"Argetlam's horse was brought with us on the rafts," stated one of the dwarves. "The rest of us will ride donkeys."
"Uh, no thanks, I don't swing that way," interrupted Thorn. Hilaria giggled furiously while Saturnina elbowed her in the side before addressing the dwarf.
"Are you kidding?" she said. "The high-and-mighty Dragon Rider gets a nice horse, but the rest of us lowly travelers have to make do with donkeys?"
"No, you do not," said Orik, coming up from behind her. "Hrothgar thought of this after we left and sent word that you three are to be given horses. Here."
"Oh, um…okay…thank you?"
"You know, paralyzed people sometimes ride horses because it helps their muscles," said Hilaria, eyeing Eragon's spine speculatively. "The irony is that if you fall off a horse and it steps on you it can either kill you or leave you paralyzed."
Thorn guessed what she was thinking and immediately moved to stop her. "No, don't do that, we'll need him later on."
"You weren't seriously going to…" asked Saturnina in growing horror.
"No, silly," said Hilaria. "But it's nice to have people scared of you. Just in case."
Thorn blinked. "While I completely agree with that, I find it weird that Hilaria's a closet psycho."
"You should see her during Latin class," informed Saturnina. "And never, under any circumstances, give her large amounts of anything sugary." That being said, she promptly dug into her backpack and fished out a small square of Hershey's.
"You're insane," said Eragon faintly.
Hilaria smiled. "It's a definite possibility. Anyway this doesn't count as 'large.'"
Ahead of them, Arya had apparently decided to run to Ellesmera. Which was just weird, given that it kept her ahead of the rest of the group. At all times.
At night, in what had the potential to look like a very sketchy situation, Arya led Eragon and Saphira away from the camp. Saturnina waggled her eyebrows at Hilaria, who in turn poked Thorn, and they followed the three.
Arya sighed. "I suppose it's for the best you three came; you'll probably need this information as well. Eragon, while you are in Ellesmera, there will be certain laws and customs you must adhere to. Because elves live for so long, courtesy is considered the highest social virtue. Giving offense is unaffordable, because the grudge can be held for centuries. There are certain ways to greet the guards in Ceris, forms you must observe when meeting Queen Islanzadi, and a hundred different ways to greet those around you."
Eragon spoke up. "It seems as if you've only made it easier to offend people."
"I mean really? You people need to calm down. Just out of curiosity, are all elves as uptight as you?" asked Hilaria. "It's like, you get all affronted when Eragon does pretty much anything, and then you won't even tell him what he did, and then you get all frustrated when he asks!"
"I am not driven to anger for no reason," said Arya coldly.
"Yes but when you are angry, you won't tell anyone the reason," said an exasperated Saturnina.
"I absolutely refuse to have this argument with you three. Anyway, Eragon, you will be judged by the highest standards. You cannot afford to make any mistakes."
"Are you pretty much giving him a manners lesson?" interrupted Thorn.
Arya breathed deeply. "Yes. I suppose you could say that."
The Earthlings exchanged glances. Mischievous glances. Eragon narrowed his eyes and wondered what they were up to. For about a minute there was silence.
"Tally ho, old chap," said Saturnina suddenly in a British accent.
"…What?" asked Eragon nervously.
"Well, if you don't know I won't tell you. Bugger off," said Thorn, still in a British accent.
They crossed their arms and turned their backs on Eragon, noses in the air. "Bloody wanker," muttered Hilaria.
"Um," said Eragon. "Arya, do you know—"
"I do not. Argetlam, may I remind you that we have a lesson in manners underway?" Arya asked stiffly.
"To her face, should I refer to Islanzadi as Her majesty or Your Majesty?" wondered Thorn.
"If men are supposed to bow, and women are supposed to curtsey, what do we do when we don't have a dress?" interrupted Saturnina.
"Would the elves be offended if I didn't stick my pinky out when I drink something?" asked Hilaria.
Arya looked as if she had too many things to say to pick one, and remained silent. They were still speaking in their accents, mind you.
"So, if you hold a spoon like this—" Thorn demonstrated with a stick, "—and then you hold a fork like this, how do you hold a spork?"
"If we can't bow or curtsy, should we prostrate ourselves on the ground and touch our foreheads to the ground?" said Saturnina.
"Are fans regularly used, and if so do the common interpretations apply?" continued Hilaria.
The Earthlings were silent for a moment, before Hilaria brought up the most random statement yet: "Would a public debate about the hidden gunman on the grassy knoll be frowned upon?"
Even Thorn and Saturnina looked a bit weirded out by that one. "Uh…" stammered Saturnina. "I guess it would depend on who you're debating against, but why in the hell are you even asking?"
"Because I'm interested. Obviously. Personally, I think the evidence is clear that the shot came from the book depository, but—"
"Enough!" shouted Thorn. "No debating the JFK assassination! Save that for school, or any time you see Saturnina's dad." She turned to the dazed elf and Rider. "Well, I had an absolutely smashing time, but it's high time we leave."
"Oh yes, jolly good show. So sorry to leave on such short notice!" added Saturnina.
As one, the three swept into a pantomime curtsy, turned around, and went back to the camp.
Lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
"Oh look," said Thorn casually. "Du Weldenvarden."
"And so the travelers entered the mystical forest under the rising full moon, the scent of flowers in the air," muttered Saturnina contemptuously. "How conveniently poetic. Damn you, Christopher Paolini!"
"Hush, hush!" hissed Hilaria. "Arya's saying something none of us understand (again) but it's obviously important!"
They waited for about a minute, until two elves showed themselves.
"Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs." –Anonymous. Yup. It's my birthday, so I've given the world a quintuple-update. And check out the cliffy chapter! What ever shall happen next?!
As a matter of fact, Hilaria is a closet psycho. Well, not a psycho. Slightly more insane than she lets on. Only slightly.
On another note, did anyone else read Brisingr? Holy SHIT, man!! Personally I loved it.