Darkshadow lay alone in Littlecloud's den. His wounds stung horribly, but he was thankful for the root pulp Littlecloud had applied. As much as it stung, an infection would be much worse. He sighed, mildly surprised by how sad he was over Speckledthorn's death. Darkshadow remembered a time when he would have considered the calico's death a blessing. But then, there had been a time when he would have considered almost anyone's death a blessing. Needless to say, he didn't feel that way anymore and he was glad for it, even if it caused more pain.
Darkshadow glanced out of the den. It was a sunny day. Very sunny. He couldn't remember seeing a single cloud in the sky, but the temperature was almost perfect, if a little unseasonably warm. It seemed…wrong to him. Speckledthorn's death seemed like it should warrant rain, lightening, high winds, clouds at least. Not a perfect day like today was. Darkshadow imagined kittypets, rogues, clan cats –Hell probably every animal in the area– sunning themselves lazily in the lovely warmth, enjoying themselves before the weather turned cold, unaware of the tragedy. It bothered Darkshadow. And the helpless feeling he'd gotten while trying to fight his way to Speckledthorn bothered him too. But what chilled Darkshadow most was a small smile Speckledthorn had given him just before a rat had lunged straight at the calico's throat and he disappeared beneath the sea of bodies.
~X~
Littlecloud gingerly arranged Speckledthorn's mangled limbs. There was no way to make the ragged shell look presentable, but Littlecloud tried. Speckledthorn's body had been set down outside of the camp.
Most of the clan stood by, paying respects. They eventually trickled away slowly. It was time to leave those closest to Speckledthorn to share tongues with him one last time.
Russetfur caught Jaggedtooth's eye again briefly before the tom turned and walked slowly back into the camp. Her gaze flicked over to where Snip, Ruckus, Thicketclaw, and Stormpaw lay mourning and gently licking the seemingly endless blood from the multi-colored fur. It occurred to Russetfur that neither she nor Jaggedtooth had ever shared tongues with their son. Russetfur shook the thought away. Speckledthorn was not her son. She'd given him up to maintain her role in the clan. She didn't regret the decision. The dark ginger she-cat stood and left Speckledthorn to his family.
Littlecloud approached where Wildpaw sat curled against her sister's side. Snowpaw, Mousepaw, and Clawpaw were speaking to her softly, but she never stopped her mantra.
"It's my fault. All my fault…"
"Shh," Snowpaw crooned. "It's not. Really, it's not."
"Wildpaw, you're injured," Littlecloud said softly. "I'd like to take you back to my den and take care of that. I don't want you to get an infection."
Wildpaw nodded dumbly but didn't remove herself from Snowpaw's side. Snowpaw glanced at Littlecloud, then stood and coaxed Wildpaw to come with her to the medicine cat's den.
Mousepaw sighed, not following. "I've never seen her like this before. It frightens me," he said.
"She's never seen a death like that before. It probably frightens her much more. Not to mention she blames herself for it and likely fears Thicketclaw's reaction," Clawpaw said, scratching his neck.
"Do you think Darkshadow will be ok?" Mousepaw asked.
"Yeah. He's hard to kill," Clawpaw said quietly.
Wildpaw didn't react as Littlecloud spread the pulp over her wounds. Darkshadow and Speckledthorn had managed to keep the apprentice from most harm, but the rats had managed a few good bites to her legs and tail. Snowpaw lay beside her sister, still, whispering comforts that did no good.
After doing all he could for the apprentice, Littlecloud walked over to do a more extensive examination of Darkshadow. "Didn't I tell you just this morning to not make a habit of visiting my den?" Littlecloud asked, checking Darkshadow's right shoulder.
Darkshadow gave a small smile. "I've only done it twice. It's not a habit, yet. Besides, I thought you'd miss my company." His voice was a bit flatter than he'd intended, but Littlecloud didn't seem to take notice.
Just then, three forms entered the den. Once they got out of the glaring sunshine, they were easy to recognize.
As soon as Littlecloud stepped back from Darkshadow, Windlegs rushed forward, nuzzling her face against Darkshadow's. She didn't whimper or cry, but he could feel her genuine concern for him and pressed his cheek back against hers.
Thundertail and Mudriver stepped forward, bearing slight smiles. Pain was evident behind their eyes. They may have never been very close to Speckledthorn, but he was still a loss. One that they felt.
"Gee," Mudriver spoke up, "your first day back and already you're a hero."
Darkshadow forced a chuckle. "I don't exactly feel that way," he said, glancing over at Wildpaw who had fallen asleep curled against Snowpaw's side. "I went under the fence; he went over it. He jumped right in the middle of the fray to get those rats away from Wildpaw. If I'd gone straight to the middle then–"
"Then who would have carried Wildpaw to safety?" Littlecloud cut in.
Darkshadow looked up at the medicine cat. "Well, maybe she could have…" he trailed off.
"Darkshadow, as feisty and skilled as Wildpaw may be, she'd never have gotten out of there on her own. Speckledthorn went to the center because that would draw the rats' attention to him so you and Wildpaw would have a chance. You needed to be closer to the outside so you could get her out. Even if he knew he was going to die, I bet he would make the same choice again in a heartbeat," Thundertail said.
I think he did know he was going to die, Darkshadow thought, remembering that smile and flashes of the conversation they'd had that morning. Yes, Speckledthorn had been acting a little strange all day. Darkshadow should have seen it. But what would he have done?
Darkshadow, Thundertail, Mudriver, and Windlegs sat in silence for a while. None of them could think of anything to say. There wasn't much to say.
Tigerstripe entered the den a short while later. He didn't look at Darkshadow. "Windlegs, they're going to bury Speckledthorn now. Are you going to come?" he asked.
Windlegs glanced at Darkshadow, then nodded to Tigerstripe. She leaned in as though she were going to press her nose to Darkshadow's, but seemed to change her mind and backed away. Windlegs stood and walked out of the den with her brother.
Thundertail and Mudriver looked at each other.
"You should go," Darkshadow said.
"Huh?" Mudriver asked.
"Speckledthorn was a good cat. You've known him since he was a kit. You may not have been very close to him, but still…I think you should go. I'll still be here when you get back. This'll be your last chance to see him," Darkshadow explained.
"I…uh…You sure?" Mudriver asked.
"I wouldn't say it if I wasn't sure. Go," Darkshadow insisted.
Thundertail and Mudriver each touched their noses to Darkshadow's forehead before leaving the den.
Darkshadow felt a twist in his stomach as they left. He knew they were trying and they would continue to try, but things couldn't go back to the way they were before. They couldn't just ignore what had happened, what he'd done. How would they react if they knew how he'd spent his exile? Who he'd spent it with? He'd torn them apart once. And, unless he kept a very tight hold on his tongue, this time he'd destroy them.
"So why'd you come back if you knew it was going to be like this?" Darkstripe asked. He must have slipped out of his cage while Darkshadow was fighting the rats.
"Because I said I would. And I have to try," Darkshadow replied, shutting his eyes.
"How noble, but you just admitted that things can't go back to the way they were. If they found out who you really were, they'd never forgive you, if they even will this time," Darkstripe sneered.
"They will forgive me because they won't find out. It's in the past, now. I'm back," Darkshadow said.
"Oh, I understand. So you can just turn the value of certain morals on and off depending on the situation. If only someone would explain that to the rest of the forest, that could have saved Daddy."
"It's not like that. It's just desperate times call for desperate measures."
"Yeah, you were pretty desperate," Darkstripe snorted.
"I did what I had to in order to survive so I could come back here and prove myself," Darkshadow snarled.
"Are saving stupid apprentices and getting a spanking from the leader more of your penance or are you on a masochistic-hero streak?" Darkstripe let out a mocking laugh.
"I'm going to prove that they were wrong to cast me out –to underestimate my value. But in the end I guess it was a good thing because now I'm even better. If the ungrateful pricks out there can see it, then the ungrateful pricks here will."
"But first, you need your old posse back and they seem a bit edgy around you right now. How do you plan to make them get over that little bump? Let them give you another spanking?"
"Would you shut up about that!" Darkshadow roared in his head. "I was tired and injured and…I didn't expect Blackstar to know how to fight like that."
"Yeah, why do you suppose he knew those dirty little tricks? Wasn't he a rogue? It's very possible he could have dug up a juicy dark past that would make him sympathetic to your own wayward behavior," Darkstripe said in a conspiratorial tone.
"Enough out of you," Darkshadow said, but he couldn't muster up the strength to stuff Darkstripe back in his cage. He was too tired. Allowing the events of the past two days wash over him, Darkshadow fell asleep.
~X~
"Darkshadow? Hey, Darkshadow, wake up. C'mon, Darkshadow, please wake up."
Darkshadow cracked one eye open. The first thing he felt was a fresh wave of pain washing over his entire body. He groaned and heard, to his confusion, a sigh of relief. Moving as little as possible, he looked at where the voice had come from that woke him up. His eyes settled on Wildpaw. She'd snapped out of her self-guilt-trip the previous morning so Snowpaw was no longer curled up beside her.
"Are you ok?" Wildpaw asked.
"I was until I woke up. Now I'm in pain," he replied.
"Sorry, it's just you weren't moving and I couldn't see you breathing. I was worried," Wildpaw explained.
"It's ok, I suppose, if you were concerned for my wellbeing. Where's Littlecloud?" Darkshadow glanced around the den. The tabby medicine cat was nowhere to be found.
"He went out to get more herbs for you a little while ago. He told me to keep an eye on you and call for someone if something went wrong. I don't know when he'll be back," Wildpaw said, glancing out at the late evening sky.
Darkshadow groaned again. His wounds were throbbing with every heartbeat. Waiting for relief wasn't exactly something he wanted to do right now, but apparently he didn't have a choice so he laid his head stiffly back down on his paws.
Wildpaw looked down at her paws, feeling foolish and ashamed. First, she dragged her sister to the dump and attacked her which put her sister in danger when the ground caved in. In saving her, Speckledthorn had been killed and Darkshadow had been badly hurt. Now she was making Darkshadow suffer because of her own guilty paranoia. She looked over at Darkshadow, again. Most of his tabby coat was covered in bandages, but a few of his old scars were still visible under the cob webs. She found herself staring curiously at the silvery scars.
Darkshadow's fur prickled. This was a familiar feeling. Someone was watching him. He turned his head slightly and saw Wildpaw staring at him. When she realized he'd caught her, she lowered her eyes to the ground quickly. "Is it the scars?" he asked.
Wildpaw now felt embarrassed as well. She nodded slowly. "You have so many. Did you get them while you were in the clan?" she asked.
"Only the one across my muzzle. The others I got out in the rogue territories. Well, except for the work the rats just did on me," Darkshadow said.
Wildpaw looked away again.
Darkshadow decided to shift her thoughts away from the rats by saying the first thing that came to his head. "It's a much different world out there, you know."
"In the rogue territories?" Wildpaw asked.
Darkshadow nodded. "They don't believe like the clans do," he said.
"You mean like they don't believe in StarClan?"
"Yeah, like that. Many of them don't believe in anything. Others believe in things much more complex than StarClan."
"Like what?" Wildpaw asked, deeply intrigued.
"Well, of the ones I spoke to, they had stories that go back further than the clan legends," Darkshadow said.
"Like, before the time of TigerClan, LionClan, and LeopardClan?" she asked in wonder.
"Yes, before even them," Darkshadow said, suddenly wondering if he should actually be telling Wildpaw this. The rogues wouldn't mind, obviously, but the clan might. Still, it was distracting her from her guilt and she wouldn't necessarily believe what he had to say.
"Would you…would you tell me one of those legends?" she asked shyly.
Darkshadow thought for a minute. The clan hadn't forgiven him; that was certain. Even Thundertail, Mudriver, and Windlegs hadn't forgiven him. He wasn't delusional enough to believe that one good deed had made up for all the sins he'd committed. He knew they would try to act as if it had and that things could go back to normal, especially Mudriver would try to put on a mask of contentment, but it would all be an act. He had a long way to go yet to earn their trust back. If they found out he was teaching an apprentice outside ways, would they think he was planning something?
On the other hand, telling her a story might keep both of them distracted from their pain until Littlecloud returned. And she probably wouldn't believe the story, anyway. One taste of a belief system wouldn't be enough to counteract an entire lifetime of another. One story hadn't been enough to convince him.
"Sure," he said finally, "I can tell you one. But I'd rather you keep it between us, ok?"
Wildpaw nodded, growing excited.
"Alright. First, as you know, the rogues don't believe in StarClan. They believe in a force that they call 'the Creator' and that this Creator made everything that's on the Earth," Darkshadow began.
"Like, all the animals in the forest?" Wildpaw asked.
"Yes and creatures we have never seen right under our noses and beyond the forest and the rogue territories," Darkshadow answered.
"There's more than that?" Wildpaw said in shock.
"Much more. What did you think; that the world just dropped off on the other side of the mountains?" Darkshadow asked with amusement.
"And they think that one cat created all that?" Wildpaw clearly looked doubtful.
"Pretty much, but the Creator isn't a cat. The Creator is something that is unlike anything on Earth."
It was obvious that Wildpaw was having trouble visualizing this.
"Anyway," Darkshadow continued, "first, the Creator made the plants. After that, It made animals. Every animal you can think of and thousands of others you've never heard of and could never imagine populated the land, water, and air. The Creator tried many different things, changing Its creation constantly for a long time, sometimes wiping out entire species to start over. Finally, the Creator stopped and allowed Its creation to grow on its own and develop. Among the creatures that developed was a family that the Creator named Felidae. In the Felidae family, there were seven that were much larger than all of the others.
"The largest was called Leo. You should be familiar with him. Some of his children formed a group called LionClan."
Wildpaw's eyes widened. "Rogues know about LionClan?"
"Not exactly. But if you connect the legends, Leo appears to be the eldest ancestor of LionClan. This took place a very long time before LionClan. I'm sure most, if not all, of LionClan would have had no idea about Leo.
"Second largest was Tigris."
"TigerClan's ancestor?"
Darkshadow nodded. "There were the three spotted ones: Pardus, who was the ancestor of LeopardClan; Onca, who looked like Pardus but was bigger and stronger; and Jabatus, who was the smallest of the spotted ones but the fastest runner.
"Concolor had no markings, but could blend seamlessly into mountainsides."
Wildpaw counted in her head. "That's only six. You said there were seven," she said.
Darkshadow smiled. "You're right. The seventh head of the Felidae family was one you'll be very familiar with. His name was Catus and his size was only rivaled by Leo and Tigris."
"You mean cats like us, right?"
Darkshadow nodded.
"That's impossible! Cats could never be larger than LeopardClan!" Wildpaw insisted.
"That's what the story will explain. Assuming you still want to hear it," Darkshadow said.
Wildpaw nodded, looking skeptical but intrigued.
"Catus was very different from the rest of the family. While the others had distinct coats, his could change design and color at will, a trait he'd passed on to his children. He was also very cunning and proud. He believed that he should rule the Felidae. The other Felidae thought this was a ridiculous idea and laughed at him. Catus became angry by this and vowed revenge on the others.
"He gathered together his many children and ordered them to disguise themselves as the children of the others and kill their children. The other Felidae were not as foolish as Catus believed them to be and caught onto his scheme quickly. Outraged, they declared war on Catus.
"Despite the greater numbers of the other six, the war lasted many years. Catus's children were just as cunning as he was, their coats allowed them to hide better, and they could multiply faster. But finally, Catus was captured and the leaders brought him before the Creator, demanding punishment.
"The Creator had seen the devastation caused by Catus and his children and was very upset. Never before had such a war taken place, especially within a family. The Creator allowed each of the leaders to place a curse on Catus and his children, but, because he still loved Catus, they could not wish to wipe his children out or kill him.
"Leo was the first to speak. 'Take away their size!' he ordered. 'Remove them as a threat.'
"'Exile them from the rest of the family. Make sure they can't start another war,' Tigris said.
"Concolor insisted it was Catus's ability to change colors that allowed Catus and his children to start the war and hide so well. He demanded that each child be limited to one pelt and Catus have all pigment removed from his body so that he would be easy to see.
"Jabatus said angrily, 'Make their predators many. Let them feel what it's like to be prey.'
"Onca had a better idea. 'Have them hunt each other. Let the war for them never end!'
"Catus was horrified and cried out to the Creator, 'Please! You've taken away our size and ability to hide. If my children war with each other eternally, they will soon die out! I beg you, make at least one of them reconsider!'
"Leo, Tigris, Concolor, and Jabatus all refused to change their minds, but Onca smiled. 'Very well, then you will curse your own children. Every generation, you will choose six percent of your own brood to suffer persecution from the others. Six out of every hundred will suffer as we six have suffered.'
"The others nodded and murmured their agreement, but Leo surprised everyone by objecting. He reminded everyone that while Catus –like the rest of the first generation– had a long lifespan, he would eventually die. When he died, he would no longer be able to affect the physical world enough to perform the curse. Leo wanted a permanent punishment.
"Then Pardus stepped forward. 'Then, for his final curse, he shall live until the last of his children dies. He will spend that entire time living with the consequences of his actions and watching his children suffer for them.'
"The six were at last in agreement. Catus and his children were cursed. The war was eventually forgotten in the generations, but the curses remained. Every generation, long after the others of the first generation had passed on, Catus was forced to choose six percent of his children to lay the curse mark on. On top of making other's persecute them, the curse mark also opens up the child's mind, giving them special abilities, but few of them ever discover why they have these abilities and often live out their entire lives unaware of the mark.
"But even with all the handicaps the others had placed on him, Catus still had his intelligence. He used it to work the curse to his advantage. He sought out groups of his children that he believed needed help. He then sent the cursed ones their way to live with them. He hoped that his children would take lessons from the cursed ones about the necessity of unity and the dangers of war," Darkshadow finished.
"What does the curse mark look like?" Wildpaw asked.
"I'm not sure. It's not really visible. It is something placed on the cat's soul and traces of it can be seen shining through their eyes. Subconsciously, this turns other cats away from them," Darkshadow explained.
"Why?" Wildpaw asked.
"Because normal cats can see that there is something wrong with the cursed one and that frightens them. Cursed cats also tend to be mentally unstable, somewhat, as a result of the extra strain the mark puts on their mind and soul," Darkshadow said.
Wildpaw sank into deep thought. She glanced over at the den entrance and jumped in surprise. Concerned, Darkshadow looked over as well and felt his heart skip a beat. Littlecloud was sitting just a few paces away. Neither patient had any idea how long the medicine cat had been sitting there.
"That was very interesting, Darkshadow. I've never heard a rogue legend before," Littlecloud said with a sincere smile. "Are you feeling better?'
"Yes," Darkshadow said honestly, surprised by how well telling the story had worked to dull his pain. But now that he was thinking about it again, the pain was quickly throbbing back to life. "I wouldn't mind some herbs, though," he added.
Littlecloud smiled and gathered up several herbs and passed them Darkshadow's way. Darkshadow took them thankfully. "Do you think you'll be well enough to leave the den for a short time tomorrow evening?"
"I dunno. Maybe. Why?" Darkshadow inquired.
"Blackstar tells me he's going to make Clawpaw and Stormpaw warriors. I thought you'd appreciate attending the ceremony," Littlecloud said.
"I would. Thank you," Darkshadow said.
"What about me?" Wildpaw asked quietly.
"I think you'll be free to go tomorrow. Darkshadow did well protecting you," Littlecloud said.
"Oh," was all Wildpaw said in response, looking at her paws. She still blamed herself for Speckledthorn's death. What if Thicketclaw blamed her, too? Thicketclaw had adored Speckledthorn. What would she do to the cat she blamed for his death? She looked up when she felt a paw on her shoulder.
"It'll be ok," Littlecloud said soothingly.
Wildpaw laid her head down on her paws. Dread was still swimming around in her stomach.
~X~
The next morning, Wildpaw was released from Littlecloud's den. The brown and black apprentice eagerly rushed over to her siblings who greeted her exuberantly.
Well, at least none of them are mad at me, she thought as Snowpaw touched her nose to her sister's shoulder.
The others didn't have long to welcome Wildpaw back. Snowpaw and Mousepaw were soon called away by their respective mentors. Tigerstripe showed up to retrieve both Clawpaw and Stormpaw. Stormpaw didn't look very happy about going with Tigerstripe and Wildpaw felt another twinge of guilt, knowing she was missing her mentor.
Thicketclaw was nowhere in sight and Wildpaw was confused. What was the point of being released from Littlecloud's den if all she was going to do was sit around anyway? A shadow suddenly fell over her and she turned around. Thicketclaw was standing directly behind her. Wildpaw felt her heart leap up into her throat then sink back down into her stomach.
"Are you ready to return to training?" Thicketclaw asked, calmly.
Wildpaw nodded. She wouldn't have said no even if she wanted to.
"Good, then let's go," Thicketclaw said and led the way to the exit.
Wildpaw slowly followed.
The other apprentices and mentors seemed slightly surprised to see her when she and Thicketclaw arrived at the training area, but no one said anything. Tigerstripe had taken Clawpaw and Stormpaw somewhere else for their final day of training. Snowpaw and Mousepaw were sparing. Thicketclaw gave Wildpaw short notes as the other apprentices practiced.
Eventually, Mousepaw threw Snowpaw to the ground and pinned her. Tawnypelt called him out of the middle and Thicketclaw sent Wildpaw in. Wildpaw felt so worried and distracted, she was unable to focus and was soon tackled down, hard, by her sister. She let out a sharp grunt and Snowpaw backed off, quickly.
"I'm sorry! Did I hurt you?" Snowpaw asked, deep concern written across her face.
"No, no, I'm fine. I just got distracted, is all," Wildpaw said, brushing off her coat.
Snowpaw was replaced by Mousepaw. Again, Wildpaw stood no chance. Windlegs cast Thicketclaw a worried look. It was very unlike Wildpaw to lose so easily. Even her injuries should have been healed enough to no longer hinder her. Thicketclaw caught Windlegs's eye, but didn't seem to get the message. Windlegs jerked her head in Wildpaw's direction and mouthed something, but Thicketclaw just shook her head in confusion. Windlegs rolled her eyes and walked over to the other she-cat. Tawnypelt took over rotating the apprentices, leaving the two friends to talk.
"Talk to her," Windlegs whispered to Thicketclaw.
"About what?" Thicketclaw whispered back.
"Well, something's obviously on her mind," Windlegs said, hoping Thicketclaw would get the hint.
Thicketclaw was never very good with hints. "Like what?"
"The same thing that's probably on your mind." Windlegs looked deep into Thicketclaw's eyes.
Thicketclaw scoffed defensively. "I don't know what you're talking about. Wake up out there, Wildpaw!"
The apprentice nodded and faced off against Snowpaw again.
"Thicketclaw, don't do that. Don't you dare do that," Windlegs growled.
"Don't do what?" Thicketclaw asked in an exasperated tone.
"Don't pretend it didn't happen."
A strange look passed over Thicketclaw's face and her voice dropped so low that Windlegs had trouble hearing her over the apprentices' scuffling. "I'm not pretending it didn't happen. I'm just trying to focus on other things."
"Well I'm glad you can do that, but I don't think Wildpaw can and I don't think she will be able to until you talk to her."
Thicketclaw met Windlegs's blue eyes, then nodded. "Wildpaw," she called.
Wildpaw turned from watching her siblings wrestle. "Yes?" She looked nervous.
"Come here for a minute." Thicketclaw jerked her head toward the tall grass.
"Uh, ok, yeah," Wildpaw stammered and followed Thicketclaw.
When they'd gotten a decent distance away from the others, Thicketclaw stopped.
"So…" Thicketclaw said.
"So," Wildpaw repeated.
Thicketclaw shuffled her paws. "How've you been?" she asked, finally.
"Good," Wildpaw replied with a nod.
"What's, uh, what's been on your mind?"
"Nothing," Wildpaw said.
"Bullshit," Thicketclaw murmured.
"What?"
"You're acting totally unlike yourself today. I know something's bothering you so…talk about your feelings, damnit!" Thicketclaw ordered.
Wildpaw looked startled. "I…I…uh…" she stammered, uncertainly.
"Let me narrow it down. Talk about…" Thicketclaw hesitated. She hadn't said his name for the past two days. She took a deep breath. "Talk about Speckledthorn."
"Oh…" Wildpaw felt her tongue stiffen. She took a few moments, but she finally spoke. "I…I feel guilty for what happened. I know it's partly my fault and I'm worried that you hate me now. I know you loved him and it's my fault he's dead. You can hate me. It's ok. You can hate me and blame me all you want because I already do." The entire time she spoke she was looking at her paws, afraid to meet Thicketclaw's eye.
Thicketclaw didn't know what to say. She didn't talk about feelings. She'd never really had to. Speckledthorn did it for her. But now he was gone and she was lost. He wasn't coming back, and she knew it. That meant it was time she started figuring these things out for herself. So…did she blame Wildpaw for what had happened? "No, I don't blame you. And I don't hate you," Thicketclaw said. "I hate him. You could get so attached to that little fool. Where does he get off getting me so attached to him and then leaving like that? Idiot," she cursed.
"He wouldn't be gone if it weren't for me," Wildpaw said sullenly.
"It's not your fault, ok? Is that what you want to hear? I don't know whose fault it is. He's gone. That's that. There's no going back. He won't come back. We've got to accept that. It hurts and it'll keep hurting, but I don't blame you," Thicketclaw said, tone almost harsh but not out of anger.
Wildpaw was at a loss for words. What does one say after something like that?
"Now, you and I are going to go back to the training area and you're going to practice, ok?" Thicketclaw said.
Wildpaw nodded.
"Well, ok then…good," Thicketclaw said awkwardly but led the way back to the others with her head and tail held high.
Wildpaw's performance dramatically improved.
After training, Thicketclaw and Wildpaw returned to the camp side-by-side.
"Oh, Wildpaw, I forgot to mention before: you're on elders duty for the next moon," Thicketclaw said.
"What!" Wildpaw said.
"You didn't really think you'd go unpunished for sneaking off to the dump like that, did you?"
Wildpaw groaned and reluctantly made her way over to the elders' den.
"Smile, my little apprentice, smile!" Thicketclaw laughed.
Wildpaw turned around and stuck her tongue out at the she-cat. Thicketclaw just laughed again.
"Oh, so you lived," Snaketail said, scrutinizing the apprentice.
"No need to sound so disappointed," Wildpaw retaliated.
"Bah, like I actually care what happens to you. I'm still hoping that bloody rogue dies," Snaketail said.
"What did Mousepaw tell you? Don't talk about him like that," Wildpaw snapped, cleaning out the nests.
"I'll talk about him however I like. You can see the way he is now. He's even more fucked up on the inside," Snaketail sniffed.
"He saved my life," Wildpaw said.
"Oh great," Snaketail said sarcastically, "he saved the life of the clan idiot."
Wildpaw didn't respond. She just continued with her work.
~X~
That evening, leaning against Littlecloud's shoulder, Darkshadow limped out of the medicine cat's den. Littlecloud had wrapped Darkshadow's wounds with fresh bandages and helped the dark tabby groom what little of his fur was exposed.
Mudriver caught sight of Darkshadow and eagerly waved him over. Most of the clan turned to look at him but no one said anything. Littlecloud eased Darkshadow down between Mudriver and Thundertail before walking to the front of the crowd gathered in front of the announcement tree. Clawpaw and Stormpaw sat in the front of the group looking up at Blackstar. Tigerstripe sat between the two apprentices, head held high.
"Hey, after a beating like that you're already getting out," Thundertail said to Darkshadow.
"Of course he is! It'll take more than a few grody rats to stop my apprentice," Mudriver said proudly.
Darkshadow wasn't paying attention to the conversation. He was looking at Windlegs who seemed reluctant to meet his eyes.
"I'm glad you're ok," Windlegs said awkwardly.
"Thanks," Darkshadow replied just as awkwardly. Windlegs's forgiveness would be the most difficult to attain and her trust would be even more difficult to get back.
Upon seeing Darkshadow appear, Blackstar began the ceremony. "Two days ago, ShadowClan lost a great warrior. Speckledthorn will be forever missed. But luckily for his clan, he left behind his well trained apprentice.
"Stormpaw, it is a pity Speckledthorn cannot stand beside you tonight, but I know he is watching you from StarClan with pride. You are ready to become a ShadowClan warrior. And so, before StarClan and Speckledthorn, I announce that from this point forward Stormpaw will be known by her warrior name: Stormthoughts."
Tigerstripe touched his nose to the new warrior's forehead as he knew Speckledthorn would have done.
"Clawpaw," Blackstar continued, "you also have the gift of a great mentor. I know Tigerstripe trained you to be strong and powerful. You are ready to join your sister in the ranks of the ShadowClan warrior. Let the clan and StarClan know that from this moment forward Clawpaw will be known by his warrior name: Clawfur."
The clan took up chanting the names of the two new warriors. Tigerstripe looked down at his former apprentice with pride shining through his eyes. Clawfur smiled up at him. Stormthoughts turned around and caught Darkshadow's eye. Darkshadow nodded. Her name was quite fitting.
When the clan quieted down, Blackstar spoke up again. "As is customary, the new warriors will guard the camp in silence tonight. Wildpaw, Snowpaw, Mousepaw, take a close look at these two. You will be joining them soon enough." With that, Blackstar leapt out of the tree. The warriors dispersed.
Darkflower approached her adopted kits to congratulate them and murmured words of encouragement to her younger kits. Before returning to the warriors' den, she walked over to Darkshadow. Darkshadow looked at her in confusion. Darkflower had never really spoken to him before. "You saved my daughter's life," she said to him. "That's three of my kits you've rescued. Thank you."
"I had help both times. Hopefully, I won't have to rescue anymore," Darkshadow said.
Darkflower nodded, then walked to the warriors' den.
"Quit getting yourself stuck in the medicine cat's den so much, huh? It ain't healthy," Mudriver said as Littlecloud approached to collect his patient.
"I'll do my best," Darkshadow promised.
"Yeah, we're looking forward to finally sharing a den with you," Thundertail added.
"You will," Darkshadow said. "Littlecloud, may I congratulate Stormthoughts and Clawfur before I go back to the den?" he asked.
"Alright, but make it quick," Littlecloud said, helping Darkshadow over to the two former apprentices.
Clawfur and Stormthoughts looked up when Darkshadow approached. Clawfur opened his mouth to greet him, but quickly shut it again when he remembered he had to keep silent.
"Congratulations you two. I'm very proud," Darkshadow said and then looked directly at Stormthoughts. "And I'm sure Speckledthorn is, too," he added.
Stormthoughts gave him a melancholy smile.
Littlecloud led Darkshadow away. "The silent vigil should be easy for her, don't you think?" the brown tabby said.
Darkshadow chuckled, then groaned. "My ribs are sore," he complained.
"I'll take care of it," Littlecloud promised.
~X~
"Do you think this counts as talking?" Clawfur heard in his head. He looked over at his sister. She was looking at him out of the corner of her eye with a small smirk on her lips.
"…Yes…" Clawfur answered.
"It's not like they can hear me talking," Stormthoughts replied.
"It…counts…Just…because…it's different…from…how…others…do it…you're…still…talking…in…your own…way…" Clawfur thought back to her, straining slightly. His head began to hurt. Since he'd chosen to use verbal speech, his skills at telepathic communication were not as sharply honed as his sister's. It took a lot of focus for him to accomplish even the smallest amount of communication which was why he usually spoke to her out loud. But he couldn't do that now.
"Do you think StarClan will be angry?" Stormthoughts asked.
"I…don't…know…Do…you think…they…could…hear us?..." Clawfur asked. His head was throbbing. He wished she would stop talking.
"I don't know. I've never spoken to them before. Brother, I can feel your head hurting."
"Then…hush…I feel bad…breaking the…rules…" Clawfur closed his eyes tightly. "I think…this counts…We…are…supposed…to be…focused on…guarding…"
"You're right. I'm sorry," Stormthoughts said and returned her focus to the deep, dark forest. She could hear small nocturnal creatures scuttling about. An owl screeched somewhere as it scooped up its unfortunate prey. Stormthoughts looked up at the starry sky and wondered where Speckledthorn could be up there.
~X~
Inside the warriors' den, two she-cats were still awake. They laid close together, keeping their voices low so as not to disturb their sleeping clanmates.
"It just felt…wrong, Windlegs," Thicketclaw whispered.
"Why?" Windlegs asked.
"I felt happy. Like, actually happy. He's gone and I was happy," Thicketclaw stammered, struggling to phrase her meaning.
"Why is that wrong?" Windlegs asked.
"Because he's gone! Don't you see? I forgot he was gone for just a second, but I forgot about him! It's only been two days! I loved him! I still do, but I forgot him!" Thicketclaw seemed on the verge of hysterics and was struggling to keep her voice down.
Windlegs pressed her cheek to Thicketclaw's. "It's ok," she whispered.
"It's not ok!" Thicketclaw insisted, trembling and laying her head on Windlegs's shoulder.
"It is. You didn't forget about him. You forgot about the pain. He would want you to forget the pain."
"You told me just this morning not to pretend he wasn't gone," Thicketclaw said.
"Forgetting the pain isn't the same as pretending he isn't gone. You know he's gone and you accept it. Now you're healing."
"I don't accept it," Thicketclaw said, pulling away from Windlegs and shaking her head. "I don't accept it. I want him back! He has to come back! I need him! I've always needed him."
"I don't know what to say, Thicketclaw," Windlegs said helplessly.
"I knew loving him would come with sacrifice, but I never thought…" Thicketclaw couldn't finish the sentence.
"I know how you feel," Windlegs said finally.
Thicketclaw gave her a strange look, then realization dawned on her features. Windlegs looked away.
"Even after everything…" Thicketclaw began.
"Like I said, I know how you feel. You realize it will require sacrifice and it'll hurt, but you also know that it can make you happy. And that makes it worth it," Windlegs said softly.
"So you've forgiven him?" Thicketclaw asked.
"No. That still hurts too much, but I know I will."
"Tigerstripe won't like it."
"I know." Windlegs looked over at her sleeping brother.
"I don't like it."
Windlegs looked into Thicketclaw's eyes.
"But if it makes you happy," Thicketclaw added after a pause.
Windlegs smiled. "We're kind of messed up, do you realize that?" she said.
"Yeah," Thicketclaw said with a small laugh. Her smile seemed strained for a moment and faded slightly, but it soon returned and she looked at her best friend with genuine happiness…
You lose someone and they mean the world to you. You've lost your world, your direction, your being. And you don't know how you can go on living because your heart is gone. Nothing feels right. Then, one day, you smile, you laugh. For a moment, everything is normal again. And then you remember and you realize what you've done and the world falls apart again right on top of you. You lose the will to dig yourself out. Then, a ray of light streams in and you look up. Someone is offering their hand to you. Hesitantly, you take it and they pull you out into the light. At first, it hurts to see, but when your vision clears, you see that the world is still there. You look at the place you've been pulled from. There's a hole there. It will always be there. It's deep and ugly and it can never be filled, but the world around it is beautiful. And it seems silly that you should abandon the beauty because of this hole. So you leave the hole behind and it stays there. Then, you visit it one day and it's different. Flowers have begun to grow in it. Flowers that would have never had a chance of survival if you'd stayed in there.
This chapter was shorter than I thought it would be so have a poorly written metaphor for grief. It's a shortened and tweeked version of what I told a friend of mine after they laughed for the first time after losing their mother and felt bad about it.
Ok, as for the rest of this chapter: I suck at writing legends, ok? I wrote it in the doctor's office. I needed a legend and I've only ever attempted to write one before. And if anyone's wondering, The Creator is not the Judeo-Christian god. Similar, but different. Also, the names of the Felidae are taken from their various Latin scientific names. In case you couldn't figure it out by their descriptions, they are as follows: Leo-Lion, Tigris-Tiger, Pardus-Leopard, Onca-Jaguar, Jabatus-Cheetah, Concolor-Cougar, and Catus-Domestic Cat. We've finally heard Stormthoughts speak! (kinda) For any of you who thought she'd be all mysterious and wise when she speaks, sorry. She's just a normal young she-cat who happens to have weird powers. By the way, "grody" is a word that is not used enough and that makes me sad.