"...I felt like a real-life Disney princess," Melanie simpered, shiny and lovestruck on Heart's Desire.

Ugh.

Amanda couldn't believe it, but she was jealous. Jealous of a twenty-five-year-old on a television show that was totally fake. For a moment she fantasized about what it would be like to be treated as Melanie had been: spoiled, fawned over. Had she ever experienced that? Amanda's romantic relationships had been fairly lackluster since she started dating as a teenager. Nobody had ever even bought her flowers, let alone taken her on a carriage ride. She didn't necessarily want to be driven around New York City like a tacky tourist, but the realization still made her sad.

"Oh, no. No, no," Sonny groaned. "No guy wants to hear that. Rollins... are you cryin'?"

He was standing next to her, holding her baby. Heat rushed to Amanda's cheeks as she quickly brushed tears away from her eyes. "No!" She sunk back into the couch and occupied herself with Frannie, who was pawing at her thigh, looking for more popcorn.

"You are. You are so busted," Sonny laughed.

Grinning despite herself, she looked over at him. Amanda was so focused on the superficial fantasy on her television screen that she almost forgot to appreciate the man whose generosity and charm was playing out right in the middle of her living room.

Lately, her heartbeat quickened when he was around.

Lately, her eyes lingered on his hands, his shoulders, the muscles in his back, even when she was supposed to be working.

Lately, Amanda was more and more convinced that she was falling in love.

Sitting in the waiting room, Luca slept contently against Sonny's chest like nothing had happened at all. Amanda moved from their side to standing to pacing then back again, anxious. Back in her seat once more, she leaned her head against Sonny's shoulder. His hand was on Luca's back, and she put her own on top of his. His thumb twitched to graze hers, a wordless acknowledgement of her presence. Neither of them had said much since the nurse left; everything felt too fragile and tenuous.

Amanda watched the baby breathe rhythmically beneath their palms, a lump rising in her throat. Jesse had been that small once. Sonny had held her that way, too, as if Jesse had been born to benefit from his reassuring warmth. Sometimes Amanda thought that her daughter had fallen in love with Sonny at the very same moment she had.

"I'll never forgive myself if she isn't okay." Sonny's quiet voice broke the silence.

Amanda lifted her head and frowned. "Sonny..."

He interrupted her. "I know he was drunk. He ran a red light. I know. But..."

"No. There's nothing you could have done," she insisted.

He shook his head, staring straight ahead. Amanda wasn't sure if she had ever seen him this upset. Cases got under his skin and he'd get angry or solemn, but this was very different. He looked sick, pained.

Her phone rang in her back pocket and Amanda jumped, startled by the sound. Reaching for it, the screen read 'Murphy.' She ignored the call impulsively, but he called back almost immediately. Standing up, Amanda walked to the furthest corner of the waiting room. She could feel Sonny's confused eyes on her.

She pressed the phone against her ear. "Hello?"

"Hey, how's it going?" Declan's voice was painfully casual.

"Um..."

"We still on for lunch with Jesse tomorrow?"

"Um, probably not, no."

"Amanda, c'mon. It went well last time-"

She screwed her eyes shut and told him shakily, "no, Declan. There's been an accident."

"What? What kind of accident?" he demanded.

Rubbing the back of her neck with her free hand, Amanda pulled in a deep breath. "Sonny and I, we were at his parents' in Staten Island. He was driving us all back and a drunk driver ran a red light-"

"Are you okay? Is Jesse?" Declan interrupted her.

"I'm okay. Jesse is..." She didn't want to have to say it out loud, like that would make it more real.

"'Jesse is' what, Amanda? What?" He was so intense, so... not at all like Sonny.

"She has a pretty serious concussion. They've been doing some tests on her, we're not really sure what's happening..." Amanda explained quietly.

"I'm coming down there."

Her eyes widened with a surge of panic. "Declan, no. Do not come down here."

"Somebody's gotta take control of this situation, Amanda."

"It's under control!"

"Clearly it isn't if you don't know anything and Carisi can't even drive a goddamn car."

"The other driver was drunk, Declan. It's not-"

He hung up on her and she felt nauseous. As if Amanda wasn't concerned enough about Jesse, now she had to endure Declan and his incessant need to be in charge of every situation - even when he had no right to be. Jesse and Declan had met only once recently, and even though Jesse didn't totally understand the role he played in her life, the interaction was pleasant enough. Even so, he was still little more than a stranger to her.

"Who was that?" Sonny asked her as she walked back to the chairs.

She sat down next to him. "Declan. He's coming here."

Sonny rolled his eyes, forehead creasing. "Oh, come on."

"I told him not to," she sighed.

"Whatever," he shook his head, appearing resigned. "It's not him I'm worried about right now."

"Amanda?"

The same nurse that had brought Luca to them an hour ago appeared in the waiting room. Amanda and Sonny both leapt to their feet to speak with her.

"It doesn't look like Jesse has any internal bleeding," the nurse told them. "She's alert and talking again. She's banged up, has a tiny fracture in her pinky finger, but that'll heal on its own."

Amanda felt her knees go weak with relief and she swayed in place, Sonny's hand at her back steadying her.

"Can we see her?" Sonny asked.

"Of course. She's in bay number three," the nurse said with a kind smile, waving them down the hall.

They found Jesse sitting up in the bed. It was a massive mattress and frame meant for an adult, making the four-year-old look even tinier than usual. Jesse was clipping and unclipping the pulse oximeter on her finger like it was a plastic creature taking a bite out of her. The bruise on her forehead was big; Amanda hadn't remembered it being so large, but it had been dark and it was all a blur now. There was gauze and tape at the wound's center, protecting the laceration underneath. Jesse's skinny right arm was black and blue and covered in red abrasions, most likely from the metal of the car's door that had been crushed inward.

"Hey, baby," Amanda said, trying to keep the emotion out of her voice.

"Mama!" Jesse exclaimed, eyes wide as she attempted to crawl out of bed to get to her mother faster.

Amanda rushed to her side and stopped her with a hug, then a kiss, then a squeeze of her shoulders. It was almost like she was trying to make sure her daughter was really whole. "You're alright. Mama's here, we're all here." She cupped Jesse's little face in her hands and smiled.

"My head hurts," she whined.

She leaned down kissed her again. "I bet it does. We'll get you some more medicine."

Sonny sat at the edge of the bed. "You're pretty brave, kiddo."

Jesse crawled over to Sonny to tuck herself against his side beneath the arm that wasn't holding Luca. To make it easier, Amanda took the baby from him gently. Sonny soothed a hand up and down Jesse's upper arm as the little girl announced, "I had to go in a machine."

"The doctor had to make sure that big brain of yours was okay," Sonny explained playfully.

Jesse giggled and to Amanda, it was the very best sound in the world.

"That was scary," Jesse concluded, frowning.

"I know, baby. That's why you've always gotta wear your seatbelt like we tell you to all the time," Amanda said her gently. She leaned down again to take her daughter's chin between her fingers, looking her precious child in the eye. "Who loves you best?"

"Mama and daddy," Jesse gave her usual reply to the familiar question.

"For how long?" Sonny asked with faux curiosity.

Jesse spread her arms out wide, dramatic and comical. "Forever and ever."

Jesse was to remain at the hospital for two more hours of observation. If no complications arose, she could be discharged with no strenuous activity for the next week. Sonny's parents came by and after a great deal of fussing and crying, they took Luca back to their house given the late hour. Sonny's father would return to pick the three of them up once the doctors released Jesse.

While a nurse checked in on Jesse, Amanda headed to the cafeteria with Sonny for coffee and food. Jesse had been sick several times due to her condition and now she was understandably starving. With the adrenaline wearing off, Amanda was going to require caffeine, too.

In the elevator, Amanda wrapped her arms around Sonny's torso and he winced. "You okay?" she asked curiously, pulling back.

"Yeah. The steerin' wheel got me in the ribs," he said, a hand gingerly bracing his right side.

"You should have a doctor look at it," Amanda suggested.

"I'm not stayin' in this germ-filled hell any longer than I have to," he grumbled.

She rolled her eyes.

Between the cafeteria and the gift shop, they bought Jesse goldfish crackers and M&Ms. Amanda got a bag of Swedish Fish and coffee, because a wedding diet was irrelevant when your loved ones were nearly killed in a car accident. Back on the first floor, they walked back toward Jesse's room, but Amanda stopped in the hallway when she heard somebody familiar. She grabbed Sonny's arm to stop him, too, jerking her head to indicate that she wanted to eavesdrop on what was going on up by the check-in desk.

"Jesse Rollins. Is she here?" Declan's voice was loud and clear.

"I'm sorry, sir, but are you family?" a pleasant-sounding female replied.

"I'm her father," he insisted.

"You're her father? I was certain her father was with her..." The woman was understandably confused.

Amanda and Sonny exchanged glances. When she looked up, Declan had seemingly spotted her and was closing the distance between them with quick, deliberate strides.

"Where is she?" he demanded.

"She's in her room. She's okay," Amanda told him calmly.

Declan rounded on Sonny. "What the hell happened, Carisi?"

Amanda felt Sonny stiffen beside her. "A drunk guy ran a red light. He's in custody."

The lieutenant looked at Sonny as if he had two heads. "Two kids in the car and you weren't paying attention?"

Amanda hastily attempted to interject, "Declan, this had nothing to do with-"

"You're a police officer, Carisi," Declan interrupted her. "Haven't you driven enough squad cars to be able to navigate this stuff?"

"You're tryin' to say that I coulda avoided this?" Sonny asked, an irritable edge to his tone.

Declan's tone turned low, aggressive. "I'm trying to say that if you were even halfway competent then my daughter wouldn't be hospitalized."

"Your daughter, huh? As of what, last week?" Sonny scoffed bitterly.

She saw Declan's jaw twitch. He took a step closer to Sonny and said loudly, a threatening finger pointed at Sonny's chest, "you wanna play house with Amanda, go right ahead. Her crazy is all yours. But Jesse is my daughter."

Amanda didn't even have the chance to be offended before a nurse appeared, looking annoyed. "You guys are gonna have to keep it down-"

Declan flashed his lieutenant's shield in response. The nurse rolled her eyes.

"Declan, don't do this here. Please," Amanda pleaded. "She's in three, right down the hall. Just... go see her and leave."

The lieutenant's stern gaze flickered between the two detectives as if he was weighing his options. After a terse moment of silence, he brushed past them roughly.

"I need some air," Sonny announced sharply before before walking away briskly in the opposite direction.

Left alone with Jesse's snacks and her coffee, Amanda shut her eyes. She wanted to go home. She wanted to be asleep next to Sonny, Luca cooing in his crib, Jesse drooling on her pillow, Frannie keeping watch over them all.

Instead, she had found herself right in the middle of two disasters that night.

"It's cold out here."

Amanda found Sonny outside on the sidewalk in front of the emergency room. He had been there for awhile. Head down, his hands were shoved in the pockets of his jeans as he toed stray gravel with his sneaker. His posture almost made him look like a very tall teenager.

"It feels good," Sonny said.

"Brought you some to-go Purell." She tossed him the little bottle she had lifted from the nurses' station with a small, mischievous smile.

He caught it easily.

Arms crossed over her chest, Amanda walked over to him. "Murphy's gone."

He grunted. After a moment of contemplative silence, he looked at her. "Can I ask you something?"

She nodded. "'Course you can."

"What the hell did you ever see in him?"

Amanda hadn't anticipated Sonny's question. Now she was the one studying the cracks in the pavement, trying to figure out how to explain how Murphy had entered her life. If she was going to be honest, there wasn't a way to make it sound any less terrible than it really, truly was. Amanda had only eluded to the story in the past, never discussed it in detail. She wasn't exactly proud of it. "You really wanna know?"

"Yeah, I do."

She cringed, like she actually expected Sonny to change his mind. Amanda didn't want to relive that part of her life now, but she couldn't bring herself to keep Sonny at an arm's length under these circumstances. She exhaled audibly and watched traffic on the street ahead. "Before you came to SVU I kinda... got into some trouble," she began hesitantly. "I had been gambling at this illegal club in Hell's Kitchen. I was really behind. Like, twenty grand behind."

Sonny gave her a look like an exasperated parent who had heard one too many of their kid's excuses. Amanda ignored it.

"An old vic we'd worked with, she was there as a waitress and she made me for a cop. They thought I was wearin' a wire but really I was just... well, gambling, and they used that as blackmail. Murphy was UC, acting as the club's manager. I didn't know it until he told me in private. From that point forward I worked alongside him, played along, till he made his collar. Long story short, he saved my shield. He lied to everybody, most importantly to IAB and Liv... he told them all I was UC, too."

"I thought Liv was gonna kill me for going behind her back. She told me she would have transferred me if she could have, that she didn't trust me..." She shook her head, as if trying to rid herself of the memory. "Fin and Nick were so pissed because they felt betrayed that I didn't tell them I was doing that job. I didn't tell Fin the truth till a couple years later. Anyway, I looked like a jackass. I took a leave of absence. When I came back, everything was back to normal, for the most part. Declan was in and out of the city. Time passed, whatever. Then it was winter and I was lonely. I had disconnected from everybody, really, trying to start over. I invited him over one night during a terrible snowstorm and he actually came."

She shrugged, embarrassed. "He was kind to me. I know you've only seen him be a prick, but with me, he wasn't. I liked that he knew the worst of me and still felt like I was worthy of my job. I liked that he was powerful. So I made another dumb decision on top of all my others, except at least I got Jesse outta this one."

Sonny's eyebrows were raised. "That's quite the story, Rollins."

"It's the truth," Amanda promised him.

He nodded. "I know."

Sonny's mother was the most efficient woman on earth. When they arrived back at the Carisi household at one in the morning, she had the sheets pulled back on Jesse's usual bed, a Staten Island PD t-shirt laid out neatly for Amanda to sleep in in Sonny's room, and Luca was fed, bathed and sleeping in his crib.

Amanda took an especially long time tucking Jesse in. She was almost afraid to leave her, even though she knew she was safe. The fear of losing her was more upsetting to Amanda than the actual accident itself. Even when the little girl's eyes began to drift closed, she still watched her for awhile.

Eventually she quietly left to go to the bathroom, where she peeled off her shoes and clothes. Everything smelled like smoke and tar. She took a steaming hot shower, trying to scrub the events of the night off of her. The burn on her neck was red and angry; now that the chaos had subsided, she realized how badly it really stung.

Back in Sonny's room, Amanda pulled on the oversized t-shirt and roughly toweled off her wet hair while Sonny shed his clothes. When he pulled off his shirt, she gasped at the sight of his abdomen: he had a gigantic bruise standing out garishly against the skin of his right side.

"Sonny, that's really bad," Amanda exclaimed.

He winced. "It definitely doesn't feel good."

"You should see a doctor," she insisted, again.

"I probably broke a couple of ribs. You know they can't do anything for that," he replied, shaking his head.

Amanda sighed. She was too tired to argue and he was probably right.

In bed, Amanda was silently thankful for Sonny's mother, who had the softest, cleanest sheets she had ever had the pleasure of sleeping on. Gingerly, Sonny joined her in between them as he turned off the light. Amanda wasn't one for cuddling - she found it totally counterproductive when it came to actually falling asleep - but that night was different. Against his uninjured side, Amanda rested her head against Sonny's chest and her hand on his stomach.

She thought of their argument before the accident. God. She had never felt him, never seen him. She didn't know what his role was in her chaotic life. She never understood how Sonny could be so sure that he was present when such horrific things happened each day, all over, all of the time. What kind of savior would allow so much tragedy to exist, to persist?

Nobody had died that night.

Not even the drunk who had hit them.

Why?

The bedroom door creaked open and Jesse appeared, her little frame illuminated by the light in the hallway.

"Jesse? What's the matter? Are you okay?" Amanda asked anxiously, sitting up.

"Can I sleep with you?" the little girl asked.

She couldn't say 'no,' not that night. "Yeah, c'mon."

Jesse crawled onto the bed and settled beneath the covers between them, wriggling her body around until she was comfortable. Amanda laid down on her back and blinked up at the ceiling.

"Mama?" Jesse's voice broke the brief moment of silence.

"Hm?" Amanda replied.

"I can't shut my eyes."

"How come?"

"It's scary."

"You're safe now, Jess," Sonny promised her. He sounded tired.

"Why did that man do that?" Jesse asked curiously.

"I don't know," Amanda answered.

"He's a bad guy," the four-year-old declared.

"He made a really big mistake, Jesse," Sonny told her. "But people make mistakes and we gotta forgive them."

"Why?" Jesse rolled over to face him.

Sonny was quiet for a moment before concluding, "'cause that's what strong people do."