Title: Half Empty, Half Full
Rating: MA
Disclaimer: I own nothing in this story. All of the characters belong to Kurt Sutter. They are merely pawns in my imagination.
Summary: This is her story, from her point of view. The story of two lovers, three friends, and one town not big enough for all of them.
Chapter Thirty-Six: Strength
I froze in the parking lot, glancing down at the ground below me. I didn't know what came over me, but there I was in the middle the parking lot of Teller-Morrow, frozen. I could hear Danny talking to me, but it didn't matter, it was all a blur. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw fingers snapping in front of me, bringing me out of my daze. "You okay, sweetheart?" Gemma asked, placing a hand on my elbow. I nodded, absentmindedly, my eyes falling back to the ground. "Let's get you inside," she said, walking me to the entrance to the clubhouse. I held Andy tighter in my arms. I felt a small pang in my stomach, memories wrapping their arms around me just as tight.
I don't know why I thought coming to this Thanksgiving party was a good idea. I let the invitation sit on the coffee table for week, eyeing the pretentious card stock that Gemma chose, wondering if this was a good idea. I only decided to go after thinking about Andy. He should be with his father and his extended family during the holidays. I didn't want him to grow up without the same memories I did. I felt guilty at the thought of leaving Danny home alone during the holiday, so I sucked it up and invited him. Eventually he would get sucked into Charming also, at least it was on my own terms this time. My nerves were on edge as I imagined all the things that could possibly go wrong.
The get together was in full swing, as we stepped inside the clubhouse. Loud music pumped through the air, children were running everywhere as the adults milled around. Danny smiled at me, as I placed Andy on the ground, my stomach in knots. I watched as he ran off, disappearing into the crowd of children. Gemma appeared before me, pulling at my jacket. "Are you okay?" She asked, sounding genuinely concerned. I nodded slowly, but I wasn't really sure at this point. She handed me my clutch, my fingers gripping it tightly. I was somewhat numb to everything going on around me.
Gemma patted me on the shoulder before disappearing herself. Danny smiled at me softly, his face confused. "Are you okay? What's going on?" He asked. This was this entire side of me he didn't know, memories he would never be able to take part in. I shook my head, throwing him a soft smile. "Nothing, just bad memories," I said, shaking my head clear. I gave him a firm smile, trying to reassure him. He led me to the bar, where I ordered the biggest drink I could find. Actually, I ordered two. I downed them both, as soon as I saw Jarry and Chibs making their way towards me, the liquor burning a hole in my stomach. Perfect.
We turned to face them, the biggest smiles on our face. Mine was fake, but I'm sure that Danny's was real. That man genuinely liked people. While I avoided people in any way possible, he would go out of his way to say hell to you and engage you in a conversation. "Happy thanksgiving!" He said, reaching out and shaking Chibs' hand. I almost kicked him when he reached out and hugged Jarry. God, why did he have to be so nice to everyone? I nodded at them, after spitting out the same greeting. I saw Chibs' eyes roll back into his head. "You look nice," Jarry said, between gritted teeth. I'm sure Chibs made her promise to be nice. I could feel her eyes burning a hole in me. I did actually manage to look nice today. My hair was straight, my make up simple, as I sausaged myself into a black strappy dress. "You too," I spat out, now wanting to kick myself. I was under strict orders not to start any shit. Gemma made sure to call me to confirm that I would be complying with all orders.
"Jarry, Danny. Danny, Jarry," Chibs said, introducing themselves. I gave her the once over, deciding she looked somewhat decent. I could honestly see what Chibs saw in her, she cleaned up nice. She stood before me clad in a pair of dark jeans and a white button up, her hair loose and around her shoulders. Chibs on the other hand, left me speechless. He had slicked his hair back, was dressed in all black, and smelled marvelous. This version of him oddly reminded me of when we first started going out.
We stood awkwardly, facing each other, trying to come up with small talk to entertain ourselves. That pretty much went out the door soon enough, as Chibs and I turned to the bar and began to order drinks. Danny and Jarry began to talk with each other, I can only assume they were sharing cop stories. "I hate the fact that they are getting along," I muttered to Chibs, as I stared down in to the glass in my hand. I swirled the whiskey around the glass before downing it.
"Someone has to get along, keep the peace," he replied, downing his also. We drank in silence for a while, watching them get along so swimmingly. I nodded and said hello to party goers that I knew, but in reality, I was trying to avoid them all. As that very thought entered my mind, she appeared next to me, a small smile on her face. I did a double take as Delia appeared out of nowhere, her body slim and lost in a dress that was two sizes too big for her. I rolled my eyes, turning my body towards Chibs, my back towards her. "Hi, sweetheart. Happy thanksgiving!" She said, over my shoulder. I ignored her, staring intently at Chibs. "Just calm down," he said, as I drew in deep breaths.
Chips took the drink from my hand, placing it on the counter. He held my eyes, I'm sure trying to get me to reel myself in. I didn't want to see her. I didn't want her to be in my life, to pop up in any pictures, in any memories. I liked having her gone. "I met Andy. He's such a beautiful boy," she said, climbing onto a stool behind me. I jumped off of my stool, turning towards her, ready to lash out. Chibs was faster, as he wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me away from her. "Babe, just go outside, cool off," he whispered in my ear, as he got between us, a hand held up towards Delia.
I could feel my blood boiling as I rushed out of the building, the cool air instantly making me feel better. I walked towards the same spot everything had changed, staring down at the ground below me. This was the very spot that my entire future had changed in. There I was, some what engaged with a future ahead of me, and then there was nothing. I was alone both on the inside and outside. To make things worse, Happy pulled into the garage lot then, arms wrapped around him. I pulled my eyes away from him and back down to the ground, not wanting to meet his. Happy always road alone. I could count the number of times I had been on his bike on one hand.
I pulled a cigarette out and lit it, trying to find a place to hide. I walked over to my car, leaning against the side of it, hoping the shadows hid me. I heard footsteps approaching, and I looked up to find Happy and Nurse Vicky in front of me. "Nurse Vicky?" I asked, as she reached out and intertwined her hand with Happy's. "Hey, Jessie! How are you?" She asked, a shit eating grin on her face. "I'm good," I replied, my eyes traveling to Happy's face. No, I wasn't. He looked at me stone-faced, his eyes seeking mine. "I didn't know you two knew each other," I said, hoping he was able to read between the lines. Vicky nodded, placing a hand on his arm. "Yeah, we met when he was visiting your mother in the hospital," she replied.
Oh, did you? I nodded, plastering a smile on my face, I'm sure my eyebrows were now on the back of my head. Happy turned towards her, smiling at her. "Can we get a minute?" He asked, his voice low. Vicky nodded at him, pulling herself away from him and walking towards the clubhouse. She waved at me as she walked away, a little too much pep in her damn step. Happy waited until she was inside before turning towards me, his eyes on the ground. "I wanted to tell you," he began to say. I shook my head, not wanting to hear it. I had finally decided on Happy, I had finally decided to give him my heart. I knew I didn't have a claim to him, hell it was my idea to keep things like this, but I felt betrayed in that instance. "It's okay," I whispered, blinking back tears. My voice was sad, I felt like I had given up.
This was officially the worst Thanksgiving ever. He stood before me, silent and still, as if waiting for something to happen. "I'm lonely, Jessie. You showed me what it was like to have a family, to have someone to come home to every night. I didn't know I needed that in my life, to feel whole. I'm tired of the different women, the cold nights, the empty house. I needed a change," he said. I nodded, listening to him speak. I understood his need to have that and so much more, I too had found those things in Danny. I couldn't fault him for that, I could only wish him well. "It's okay," I repeated again, flicking my cigarette to the ground and beginning to walk towards the building.
"No, it's not," he said, stepping in my way, his hand on my stomach. I reached up and pulled the necklace off of my neck, dropping it into his hand. "Yes it is, Happy. Do you remember the last time we stood in this very spot? That's when everything changed for us. That's when we woke up from the dream we were in. We can't get back to that. It's okay, to want that again. I found those same things in Danny. It's now your turn with Vicky," I said, pushing past him.
"Did you? Are you 100% in love with him?" He stood with his back towards me, his head hung low, as I walked inside the building. I couldn't stop and answer his question, because if I did, I wouldn't lie to him. I would tell him, no. He was a warm body, someone to come home to at night, but I didn't love him. If I opened that door, there would be no coming back from it. I would tell him to leave Vicky, to run away with me. I would change the course of our lives, so I kept walking.
This had to be my personal hell. I walked up to the bar, ordering myself another drink. I needed this night to be over. I found the nearest table in the corner and sat down at it, trying to keep a smile on my face. I watched them all, they were so happy enjoying their holidays. I was so miserable, stuck in what was. In one corner was Chibs, Andy on his lap, sitting and talking to Jarry. In another, Happy and Vicky, talking and laughing. I stared at the drink in my hand, lost in my own thoughts.
Danny slid into the chair next to me, a hand on my thigh. "This wasn't what you thought it would be like, huh? Coming home?" He whispered, leaning forward. I nodded slowly. "I don't know what I thought it would be like, actually. I just thought it would feel like home again, but it doesn't. I feel like a stranger here, again," I replied. Danny nodded, listening to my story. "You're not wearing your ring anymore," he said, reaching over and running a finger tip across my neck. I was about to respond, when glasses began to clink. Gemma was summoning everyone to dinner. Everyone stood up and began to make their way towards the large tables, lined up throughout the room.
"It's not home anymore," I threw over my shoulder, a sad smile on my face. It truly wasn't anymore. We had all officially moved on with our lives. I felt like we were attending a funeral, my funeral, as we all sat down at the table staring at each other. Gemma went on and on, giving thanks about this and that, but all I could do was look around me in awe. I had such a torrid history with all of them, each one affecting me in different ways. But they were all a big part of my life, a big part of me. They made me who I was today.
I spent the majority of the night in silence, laughing and smiling whenever the occasion called for it. At the end of the night, I slid into my jacket again, sighing at the idea of finally being done with this night. As I zipped it up, I realized I wanted to cut ties with Charming, with everything that had happened in this town. I needed to really move on with my life, but there was one thing holding back. I sighed, walking over to Delia, Andy on her lap as she tickled him. I sat down next to her, my mouth pursed as I found her eyes.
"Fine, I'll do it," I said. Delia turned to me, her face in shock. "You'll do it?" She asked, her face turning red with emotion. "I'll do it," I repeated. She almost shrieked, pulling Andy closer to her and kissing him on the top of his head. Delia began to cry, her eyes never leaving me. "Thank you," she said, putting Andy down on the ground. I stood up, as she met me, her arms wrapping around me. I stood stiff, my hands never leaving my sides. I didn't know how to hug her, how to show emotion towards her, so I didn't. I just stood still and let her hold me.
She pulled away from me, tears streaming down her face. "I know you don't have to do this for me, but I am happy you are," she whispered, giving me a kiss on my cheek. I reached down and grabbed Andy's hand, nodding at her. "I'll contact the hospital and set everything up," I replied, before walking away. As we headed outside, I could feel everyone's eyes on me. Part of me was proud to be saving her life, the other part felt like I was betraying myself. It didn't matter anymore, all that was important to me was in Stockton.
I shoved the pamphlets in my purse, glancing around my bedroom to see if I left anything out. It was the day before my surgery, and I was trying to hold everything together. Danny was running around like a mad man, packing bags for Andy and me, loading the car. I was headed to Charming, spending the night at Gemma's with Wendy. One week in the hospital after the surgery, and another 6 to 8 weeks of healing. I had started upon a long, winding road.
Danny stood in the doorway, watching me. I knew he was worried, he wouldn't be by my side during this time. He was currently in the middle of a big case, so he wasn't able to get any time off. "I'll come see you, whenever I can get away," he said, crossing his arms across his chest. It was moments like this that I was happy he was in my life. Someone to worry about me, someone who would coming looking for me if anything every happened. I walked over to him, dropping my bag on the floor, wrapping my arms around him.
"Don't worry too much. I spoke to the transplant coordinator, apparently they do this all the time. It's a normal procedure," I whispered, hugging him tight. Danny wrapped his arms around me, holding me close to him. "You'll have to stop drinking," he whispered back. I nodded, sighing and pulling away from him. "I know, but maybe that's a good thing," I replied. "The car is ready. Snacks are packed. Andy has showered and is in his pajamas."
God this man was perfect. I never had to worry about anything with him. I nodded, picking my bag off of the floor. "I'm going to drop him off at Chibs' tonight. Then I'm going to head over to Wendy's and have some quality girl time," I said as we walked to the living room. "You need to be at the hospital by 9am tomorrow, for prep," he said. I nodded, as he picked Andy up off of the couch and walked with him to the car.
I watched as he strapped him into his car seat, giving him a quick kiss on the top of his forehead. I opened the door and threw my purse onto the seat, turning to face him. Danny walked around the car, grabbing my face with his hands and pulling me towards him. "You're going to do great tomorrow, Jessie Mae. I love you," he whispered. I smiled, as he kissed me, not returning the term of endearment. "I'll miss you, and I'll call you," I replied, before climbing into my car. I pulled out of the driveway, watching him in the rearview mirror. He stood watching me, as I had watched all of the men in my life leave. I sighed softly, turning down the street and heading towards Charming.
I used my foot to kick the car door shut, a sleeping Andy in one arm, and two duffle bags on the other, not including his backpack full of toys on my back. I parked in front of my truck, which had taken permanent residence at Chibs' house. I huffed and puffed all the way to Chibs' front door, kicking lightly on the bottom of it. A few moments later, I heard footsteps approaching the door. The door opened and he stood before me, clad in only jeans and a tank top. He smiled at me, before reaching out and taking Andy from me.
I stepped inside his apartment, warm and comfy, closing the door behind me. It smelled like he had recently made himself a home cooked meal. I followed him through the apartment and down the hallway, entering Chibs' bedroom. I looked around, I had never been inside his bedroom. My eyes drew over every inch, as I dropped the bags heavily on the floor. There was no trace of Jarry here. I felt slightly relieved, thinking about all of the times I worried about her being another mother figure in Andy's life. I knew I didn't have a right to complain, Danny spent so much time in my house, but I couldn't help but be jealous.
Chibs placed Andy in the bed, pulling the covers up around him. He took a step back, looking down at him, a smile on his face. I stepped towards Andy, placing a kiss on his cheek. I knew I had nothing to worry about with the surgery, but I couldn't help but panic a little on the inside. "We've never had that conversation around the topic of death," I whispered, running a hand through his hair. I heard him sigh behind me, a hand finding it's way to my shoulder. "I mean, in general, what if one day you never come home, what if this surgery goes wrong," I said. He squeezed my shoulder.
"You will be fine," he said. I turned to face him, a sad smile on my face. "If anything happens…" I began to say. Chibs shook his head, interrupting me. "Nothing is going to happen to you, or to me," he said. I laughed sadly, running a hand on my face. "You forget who you're talking to," I replied. Chibs took a step back, nodding. I was already a widow, barely had any family left. I knew what this life entailed. "I know I can't ask you to leave the club, if anything happened to me, but I don't want him getting involved in the family business. He should get an education, live his life without having to look over his shoulder," I said. "If I wasn't around, I would want the same. I would expect you to take him far away from here, give him a good life. I have a safety deposit box, key is in the top drawer. You're an authorized access person on it. Cash, life insurance paperwork, deeds to the motorcycles. Everything you'll need to start over," he said.
I nodded, hooking my fingers in my jean pockets. "Nothing is going to happen to you. You will come home, and Andy will be waiting for you," he whispered. I drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly, nodding again. I exited the bedroom, him trailing behind me. I stood in front of his front door, shivering. "Do you have a sweater I can borrow?" I asked, motioning to my t-shirt and jeans. It was a tad chillier outside than I had expected. Chibs nodded, before walking back to his room. "Do you need any help switching vehicles?" He shouted back.
"No, it should be easy enough," I said, reaching into my pocket for the car's keys. When he approached me, I held them out to him as he handed me the hoodie. I took the hoodie from him, running my fingers across the soft and worn fabric. I held it up to my nose, inhaling it's scent- cigarettes and the faint aroma of his cologne. "Does it stink?" He asked, handing me the truck's keys. I snapped out of my daze and shook my head. "No, it smells just fine," I stammered, sliding into it. I zipped it up, SOA stamped across the front and took the keys from his hand, my hands disappearing inside the pockets.
"Thanks," I said, as we stood awkwardly facing each other. "I'll see you tomorrow, I'll bring Andy by the hospital when you wake up," he said, breaking the silence between us. I nodded, before turning and reaching for the door handle. When I went to open it, he reached out and placed his palm on the door, standing behind me. He was taller than me, his body arching over mine. "I broke up with Jarry," he whispered. I could feel his warm breath on the back of my neck.
It felt like the entire world had paused around me, as he spoke. "I'm not telling you because I expect anything, or because I want anything. I am telling you because you deserve to know. I know you're with Danny now, and that you have a lot of things going on with your new life now." I turned around to face him, a sarcastic smile on my face. "So then why are you telling me? Why bring it up to make things more complicated between the two of us? Because we all know that things can never be good between the two of us. We are barely getting by as it is." Chibs watched me, my eyes avoiding his, falling to his chest as it rose and fell slowly.
"I know things are complicated between the two of us, and that's putting it nicely. I treated you like dirt when you came back to Charming. I used you, just because I wanted to make you hurt as bad as I did," he said, quietly. I listened to him, my eyes watering as I thought back to it all. "I didn't care if you loved me, I didn't care if you ever wanted to be with me. All I wanted was to hurt you, but when I found out about Andy it all changed. I started seeing you differently, but by then Jarry was in the picture." I scoffed, wiping a rouge tear from the corner of my eye. "You can't do this," I pleaded, my voice breaking. Things were just starting to feel normal again. I was starting to feel normal again.
I drew in a deep breath to calm myself down. Chibs leaned in closer to me, my eyes never leaving his chest. "I fell in and out of love with you, over and over again, this entire time. I couldn't breathe anymore. Trying to balance it all out. You, Jarry, Andy, the club. I ran you out of Charming, again. I couldn't forgive myself for that. I would stay up every night hoping you were okay." I shook my head and flicked my eyes up to his. "I just want you to know, that I love you, Jessie Mae. Nothing is going to change that, not you cheating on me, not me with another woman, not you with Danny."
These were the words I always wanted to hear from him. This is what I came back to Charming for. Forgiveness, love, the longing, the pleading- but it was the wrong time. I cleared my throat, stepping out from underneath him. I turned to face him, my head held high. "I am a mess, Chibs. I am with Danny. I love Happy. You? I don't know anymore. You have built me up and broken me down in so many different ways. I can't do this right now. I am about to go into surgery tomorrow, to spend the next 2 months recovering. I can't be laying in a bed thinking about you, laying on a hospital bed worrying about you!" I drew a hand to my forehead, gripping it and inhaling hard. He leaned against the door, watching me as I paced in front of him.
"I know. I am not asking you to leave him. I am not asking you to love me. I just wanted you to know how I felt. That I still think about you. That I am right here, waiting for you," he said. I took a few quick steps and slapped him, hard. The sound echoed off of the walls around us, his face fierce and staring at me. He didn't move, he just stared at me, taking whatever I was willing to dish out. "You treated me like I was your little whore!" I yelled in his face. "I let you come in and out of me whenever you wanted, Chibs. But I've changed. I'm stronger now! I don't take shit from anyone, anymore!"
He brought a hand to his face, rubbing the red spot on his cheek softly. I am not going to cry, I kept repeating over and over in my head. I was not going to break. He would break first. "I don't need you, Filip. Your son needs you. Your club needs you, I don't. To be honest, if it went any further between me and you, it would only be to hurt you. But I've already hurt you in so many ways. We've done so much damage to ourselves, that I don't think we know how to be close with each other. We barely just learned how to co-parent, I think we should focus on furthering that relationship."
He nodded, stepping aside and away from the door. I walked towards it, stopping in front of him. I turned slightly towards him, throwing him a soft smile. "I love you, Chibs, but I am not in love with you. Maybe it's my lack of maturity, or my indecisiveness, but right now I can't see myself with you," I said, before heading out of the door. I walked to the car, grabbing my bags and throwing them in the truck. I could see him watching me from the doorway, his arms still crossed over his chest. I waved before driving off, proud of myself for staying strong.