A/N: Okay I'm back! Sorry this took so long to update-I've had one hell of a week with papers and exams so I haven't had a lot of time for fanfiction. Sorry! Okay to comment on your reviews: first of all, yay for Sirius and Riley! One couple down, one couple to go...well, that may take a while, haha. Sorry that there wasn't much of Lily in that last chapter. I left her out of a chapter to show that she's hiding out in her room. She's avoiding the holiday talk and avoiding James, obviously. There isn't going to be Lily/James interaction for the next few chapters because they're avoiding each other so sorry if that disappoints you. However, other things make up for it (like Sirius and Riley!). And Lily IS going to be in the next few chapters-just not much outside her room. Sounds boring, but believe me, it isn't. And when Lily and James eventually DO interact, you guys will have LOVED the wait! It's intense. Okay and Remus and Kay-JUST FRIENDS. Nothing is going on between them and nothing ever will. Naturally, Kay is still pining over Lance-it's only been a month since they've broken up. Remus and Kay are just REALLY good friends! Okay, I hope that answers all of your questions.
Disclaimer: Do I look British and rich and someone that has written a series of seven books? I don't think so!
Tears on the Balcony
By ByeByeBirdie
Chapter 36: Of Apologies, Deja-vu, & Family Drama
Knock, knock.
Lily slowly climbed out of bed, shoving all of the old photographs of her family under her blankets and under her bed in hopes to hide it all.
She creaked the door open slowly and stuck her head out. "Oh. Sirius. Hey. What are you doing here?" she asked curiously.
He gazed at her guiltily, a grimace on his face. "I-I…er…well, I'm here to apologize."
Lily stared blankly at him, trying to think back to what Sirius might have done. "For what?"
"Look, I didn't—wait, what?" he cried out in confusion, staring at her incredulously. "What do you mean for what?"
"Er…I mean, what are you apologizing for?" Lily repeated, struggling harder to find anything that he would have to apologize as nothing sprang to mind. Granted, she's been focusing solely on her family (and actively avoiding thinking about James) for the past 24 hours.
Sirius stared at her in disbelief for an uneasy amount of time. "But…aren't you mad at me?"
"Why would I be mad at you?"
"But…wasn't that why you weren't at breakfast this morning?"
Lily laughed and rolled her eyes. "I wasn't at breakfast because I woke up late," she lied.
"But…but you never wake up late."
"There's a first for everything," Lily explained, shrugging, trying not to look as awkward as she felt.
"And you always go to breakfast."
"Again, there's a first for everything."
He stared at her intensely and crossed his arm accusingly. "You're hiding something."
Lily rolled her eyes and leaned against her doorframe. "And what would I have to hide?" she asked, trying not to laugh. She was only hiding the fact that she and James kissed, she was no longer speaking to him because of his actions, and that she was deeply saddened that her parents were dead and she was living in an orphanage. But somehow, saying that to Sirius wouldn't exactly be effective.
He shrugged. "I don't know. But you are. I can tell."
"I'm just feeling a bit anxious for break," she muttered, a blatant lie. "Now, if you don't mind, I have work-"
"Oh, don't play the 'I have work to do' card on me, Miss Lily-bean," Sirius quickly interrupted, shaking his head. "Except for class, you have been holed up here for the past 24 hours and that can't be good for you. You are going to exhaust yourself into a frenzy if you don't take a break with me. Perfection shouldn't come at a price."
"Perfection?" she snorted, giving him a look of disdain. "I'm far from perfect, Sirius." As Sirius looked slightly surprised at her retort, she was reminded of all the secrets she was hiding right underneath her bed at that moment. She wasn't perfect at all; she probably had more secrets than any of her friends combined.
"You are definitely hiding something," Sirius finally uttered, realizing that he had hit a nerve with her.
"Did you only come here to apologize? Or was there something else you wanted?" Lily asked, in hopes of getting rid of him.
"Well, I…I only came to apologize but since you are obviously going through short-term memory loss, then I guess I can go."
Lily couldn't help but chuckle. "What were you apologizing for, Sirius?"
"Ohhh, no, if you can't remember, that's your loss! I'm not about to get into trouble with you again for reiterating the harsh things I said to you yesterday," Sirius replied, quickly groaning. "Dammit!"
"Oh that," Lily cringed guiltily, completely putting his offensive words in the back of her mind because of what has been happening lately with James. "Sirius, I was prying into something I shouldn't have. You shouldn't be apologizing, Ishould be."
He gave her a sly grin. "Go on, I'm listening."
Lily rolled her eyes. "Good-bye, Sirius."
"That doesn't sound like an 'I'm sorry' to me."
"Good-bye, Sirius," she repeated with a laugh, pushing him away from her.
"Eh, I guess that's as close as an apology I'm going to get."
"BYE SIRIUS!" she cried out, turning around and walking back into her room, shutting the door in his face.
"So should I come back for the apology later?" he cried out loudly.
Lily found herself chuckling, grateful for the brief moment of entertainment that Sirius had provided to her. As she turned back around to head towards her bed once again, another knock was heard upon her door. She sighed, thrusting it open with a pout. "Do you not know the meaning of the word good-bye?"
Sirius grinned sheepishly. "Sorry, but I had another question for you."
She sighed. "Well, get on with it."
He pursed his lips curiously, his eyes focusing in on her skeptically. "Yesterday morning, you had said virtually the same thing about not being perfect. Something about being trapped in a fake world of perfection, am I right?"
She stiffened, wishing she had just kept her mouth shut. "Er...I guess I may have said something along those lines."
He nodded his acknowledgement but remained silent, clearly trying to find the right words to say next. "You said I was angry and resentful because of my past and then you said you felt sorry for me in thinking that I was alone in feeling that way, am I right?"
"Sirius, where are you going with this?" she said a little too hastily.
Once again, he fell silent. He didn't want to come on too strong and yet there was so much about Lily Evans he realized he knew nothing about. Things he could guarantee she was hiding. "You were right," he eventually said, his words meticulous and yet gentle. "About everything you said. Just because I brush off my past and I pretend that I'm fine with the way things are now, it doesn't change the fact that it happened. That the family I grew up with disowned me and basically threw me out on to the street to fend for myself. My life has...well, it hasn't been easy. I do have a lot of bottled up anger and resentment. How could I not, right?"
"Is the question part of this coming soon?" she murmured, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.
He slowly shook his head. "Not quite," he urged. He continued. "Every single person I've met or dealt with has brushed off my past like it's nothing, probably because they thought that's what I wanted. And yet you...you stood there relaying my biggest insecurities and fears that have developed because of my past straight to my face, not caring how it would affect me. You-"
"It's not that I didn't care," she reassured hastily. "It's that I know what-" she halted, keeping herself from admitting the truth.
"It's that you know what it feels like," he finished, his words soft with vulnerability.
"You still have yet to ask me a question, Sirius," she responded, forcing a fake smile upon her face.
He stared at her hesitantly, his eyes trying to get a read on her. "You know what question I want to ask," he eventually retorted with a curt shrug. "But I won't ask it if you don't want me to."
She had never been so grateful to someone than she did at that moment. She felt a relieved sigh escaping her lips. He could have badgered her about her childhood and about her past, but he was leaving it up to her. "We...we all have our secrets, right?" she murmured, turning away from his curious stare.
"I don't," Sirius argued, shrugging. "My past is pretty much an open book. I may not talk about it, but I'd rather people know of the adversaries I've overcome to become the Black I am than the Black I could have become."
Lily's eyebrow slowly rose. "No secrets, hm?" she said with a teasing grin. "Then tell me, whatever happened between you and Riley two years ago?"
He hesitated. "Okay, I have one secret."
"And what about what you, Peter, and Potter do during Remus' full moon transformations?"
"Fine, fine, two secrets."
Lily couldn't help but laugh.
"I won't bother you anymore," Sirius said with another shrug. "But I want you to know that...that if you ever just want to stop living in that fake world of perfection for just a moment, I'm here for you."
She glanced up at him, startled by the generous gesture. "Er...thank you, Sirius." And she meant it.
He whirled around to head out once again, but only got a few steps before he turned back around. "Don't hole yourself up in here for too long," he urged. "Being alone isn't all it's cracked up to be."
Before she could respond, he was gone.
"Is there really a point to having class just a few days before break?" Sirius muttered in clear annoyance, slumping down on an empty seat in the back of the room.
"Of course there's a point," James contradicted, sitting beside him.
Sirius gave them a look. "I mean besides to torture us."
"Oh…then no," James replied with a snicker.
"Isn't the Head Boy supposed to actually want to go to class?" Remus questioned, taking a seat in front of them and spinning it around to face his two friends.
James gave him a look. "You clearly don't know this Head Boy at all."
"Okay, all in favor of skipping and going to get drunk, say aye," Sirius suggested, raising his hand hopefully.
"It's ten o'clock in the morning," Remus pointed out.
Sirius shrugged. "And? What's the problem?"
"The problem is it's ten o'clock in the morning!"
Sirius shared a look with James. "I'm really not seeing the problem."
"Nor am I," James chimed in with an amused grin.
Remus rolled his eyes. "I don't know why I bother anymore," he murmured.
"Okay, how about you think about it when we're out at the bars drinking firewhisky," Sirius suggested again.
"I have a better idea," Remus argued. "We actually sit here and listen during class."
Sirius stifled a yawn, propping his feet up on the table in front of him. "I'm not sure how that can qualify as a better idea," he argued, shaking his head. "I never listened in class before. You're telling me I should start now, only two days before break?"
"Yes, that's what I'm saying," Remus agreed.
Sirius stared blankly at him. "I don't understand."
"Somehow, that doesn't surprise me," Remus snickered. "Seriously, why do I bother anymore?"
"Because I'm awesome?"
"Your definition of awesome must differ greatly from mine."
"As long as my definition of awesome coincides with the ladies' definition, I could care less about yours," Sirius teased.
Remus groaned. "Why? Why do I bother with you anymore?"
"Is anyone else getting déja-vu?" James snickered.
"That depends," Sirius mentioned.
"On what?" Peter asked.
"On what the hell déja-vu means," Sirius replied.
James turned to Remus. "Remind me why we're still friends with him."
"He makes us look smart," Remus pointed out.
"Ahhh right," James agreed, high-fiving Remus.
"I think I was just insulted. Though I can't be sure," Sirius replied, leaning back in his chair with a cheeky grin.
"Yep, I'm definitely feeling smarter," Remus responded.
"Hey, guys, what's up?" Kay greeted, sitting across from the Marauders as Riley took a seat beside her. Lily hovered in the doorway before choosing to take a seat in the front of the room, away from her friends.
"Just being reminded how much smarter James and I are than Sirius," Remus replied.
"Well, that doesn't take much," Riley snorted, catching Sirius' eye with a furtive smile.
They all laughed, excluding Sirius, who just crossed his arms and pouted. "You all suck."
"That's the best you got? 'You all suck? Riley snorted. "This is just helping them prove their case."
Sirius scowled. "You suck most of all."
"Eh, somehow your opinion means very little to me," she said with a shrug.
"Okay, I'm going to bed. Wake me up when class is over," Sirius muttered through a stifled yawn.
Remus rolled his eyes. "Fine, but you aren't copying my notes this time."
Sirius shrugged. "That's what I have James for."
James scoffed. "Who said I'd let you copy my notes?"
"Can I copy your notes?" Sirius asked.
"Of course," James replied with a shrug.
"How is he going to learn anything if he copies everything from you?" Remus hissed, giving James a look.
"Oh yeah, and if I didn't let him copy, he'd learn something?" James snorted.
Remus sighed. "I give up."
Kay patted Remus on the back defeatedly. "You should've done that six years ago."
"Tell me about it," Remus murmured with a chuckle.
An hour into class, Remus felt a tap on his shoulder, startling him from a nap he didn't realize he was taking. He made a face, thinking about how much of a hypocrite he was.
"Psst, Remus!" Sirius whispered.
"What?" he hissed back when he realized he was still in class and not on the beach with Naomi Campbell. He was getting tired of classes that were full of non-stop lectures about past lessons. He knew that the N.E.W.T.s were coming up, but he preferred to learn something new than revert back to information they had learned in previous years.
"Do you have a quill?" Sirius whispered.
Remus sat upright, gazing back at Sirius with a startled expression. He blinked a few times to make sure he had heard correctly. "What?" Remus blurted out. "You want a quill? For what? It couldn't possibly be for taking notes."
Sirius pouted. "Now why is that so hard to believe? Maybe I really do care about Potions!"
Remus gave him a look. "We're in History of Magic class."
Sirius' head shot up, looking around the room in a frenzy. "What? When did we switch classes?"
Remus rolled his eyes, stifling a yawn. "We didn't switch classes. We were never in Potions today."
"But…I…how…wait, are you sure?"
"I'm the one that pays attention and you're asking me if I'm sure I wasn't in Potions today?" Remus asked.
"That would hold a lot more weight if you hadn't just been dozing off."
Remus scowled. "I was resting my eyes."
"Right, like I do in every class?" Sirius teased. "Now, would you mind letting me borrow a quill?"
"How can you come to class without a quill?" Remus groaned, shaking his head in disbelief.
"I forgot," Sirius said with a curt shrug. "Quill? Please?"
"For what?"
"For taking notes!"
Remus rolled his eyes. "You really expect me to believe that?"
"You calling me a liar?" Sirius said in frustration, giving him a pointed look.
"Yep."
"You've always told me to apply myself and start actually paying attention! And when I finally do apply myself and start paying attention, you don't want me to apply myself and start paying attention? You're actually willing to hold me back from applying myself and paying attention?" Sirius asked.
Remus stared at him blankly. He shook his head. "I'm going to pretend like I understood that," he snorted. "C'mon, why do you really want the quill?"
"I want to apply myself and start paying attention!"
Remus gave him a look.
Sirius shrugged, a grin spreading across his face. "Or maybe it's because I have a really good idea for a prank and I don't want to forget it."
"That's what I thought," Remus said smugly, handing him an extra quill.
"What's the prank?" James whispered, writing furiously while attempting to listen to Sirius as well.
"Shh! Concentrate on my notes!" Sirius cried.
James rolled his eyes. Little did Sirius know that James wasn't paying attention to class. No, his gaze kept falling upon Lily in the front of the class. And the notes that James was supposedly taking was actually a list of things he had done to Lily over the years that she deserved an apology for. Not necessarily because he was planning on apologizing (she had made it pretty clear she didn't really want to talk to much at all if possible), but because he just really needed some clarification on exactly when things went so wrong between them.
And hopefully some clarification on where things could go for them in the future.
Lily had never dreaded anything more in her life. She and James were meeting in the library to finish up some last-minute paperwork and scheduling before the holidays and she wanted nothing more than to skip it. And normally she would have just let James off the hook from paperwork tasks and finish it all herself like she had become accustomed to over the past few months. She wasn't about to trust the biggest troublemaker in the school with the responsibility of heading the school. But tonight was different. They had met with Dumbledore after lunch that day and he had given them a list of tasks that needed to be finished before school readjourned in January. And it was a long list. As they trudged out of the office, both agreed they didn't want to have to do any of it over break and therefore, that resulted in the decision to meet that night in order to complete everything that was expected of them. Neither were looking forward to it. It was a full moon that night so James just prayed he got out of there quickly so he could join his friends. Lily just wished she was back in the comfort of her own bedroom.
Lily had already holed herself up in the back corner of the library by one of the windows, her books and notes arranged systematically on the table in front of her. She had already immersed herself in Potions recipes, Astronomy diagrams, wand techniques, and spell incantations. She finally, and grudgingly, moved on to the pile of prefect paperwork she had hauled with her.
"Hey."
Lily tensed, using a silent nod as her salutation over a spoken greeting. James slid into the empty seat across the round table and immediately pulled out his notebook and file folders. "Have you already-"
"I finished totaling the point increases and decreases and am now working on coinciding detention slips."
James nodded, a wave of disappointment surging through him. Every curt, indifferent word that came out of Lily's mouth just made James realize how much had really changed between them. "Okay," he muttered. "I'll put a schedule together starting in January for when the prefects should be patrolling the halls."
"Try not to pair yourself with Remus every time," Lily said hastily, lifting her gaze long enough from her notebook to give him a look. "The whole point of these rounds is to cut down on the trouble that has seemed to escalate in the evenings."
James rolled his eyes. "I wasn't planning on pairing myself with Remus every time," he muttered. "But I am going to have to put my foot down when it comes to pairing with Snivellus."
"His name is Severus," Lily retaliated, her voice cool and irritable. "And that's fine by me. I'm pretty sure you and Severus would triple the amount of trouble that Dumbledore was referring to earlier. You can pair me with him at times."
James stiffened at that thought. He opened his mouth to say she could do better than hanging out with slimy gits like Snivellus Snape, but knew she would be angered by the comment. So he said instead, "Fine."
He glanced down at his watch and noted that he had roughly two hours before he, Sirius and Peter were intending to meet Remus down on the grounds.
They worked in silence for another hour, the time nearing curfew. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a shadow looming out along the grounds of the school. James didn't need to squint to know that it was Madame Pomfrey escorting Remus to the Whomping Willow. He inconspicuously gazed down at his watch again. Forty-five minutes.
"Remember that we have to decorate the Great Hall tomorrow morning," Lily said, interrupting his concentration. "The prefects are meeting us at seven o'clock."
James tore his eyes off the window. "You want to take the foyer and I'll take the Great Hall?"
She nodded. "I'll take the sixth years and you can take the seventh years. We can split the fifth years in half and delegate accordingly."
James nodded. "Sounds good." He thought back to the prefect meeting held before Halloween where arranging the decoration schedule had broken out into a horrible fight. Tonight, the arrangement took merely a minute. It depressed him slightly to think about. He almost wanted her to start yelling at him just to make it feel like old times.
Another stretch of silence followed, the scribbling of their quills and the occasional sigh the only form of noise. James' eyes instinctively landed on the hands of his watch. Thirty minutes.
"Gee, am I keeping you from something important?"
James jumped slightly. "What? No, of course not," he said hastily.
"Then why do you keep looking at your watch?" she asked dryly. "Am I boring you that much?"
"It's not you that's boring," James said, gesturing to the mound of paperwork in front of him.
She shrugged, her gaze stoic on the detention slips in front of her. "Unless you want to spend your Christmas break finishing up paperwork, get used to being bored," she muttered.
James hesitated. "How used to it should I get?"
Lily glanced up at him, confused. "What?"
He cringed. "Okay, maybe I do have something I need to get to," James explained with a curt shrug. "Just wondering how much longer we'll be here for."
She frowned. "What could you possibly have to get to at eleven o'clock on a Thursday night?" she protested, narrowing her eyes. "And if the word prank or girl comes out of your mouth next, don't think I won't smack you with this folder."
James knew it wasn't meant to be funny, but he cracked a smile anyway. "No," he reassured. "No pranks and no girls. Just…just need to be somewhere."
"What could be more important than your duties as Head Boy?" Lily asked, an annoyed crease forming between her eyes.
James pursed his lips guiltily. "I…I…" he trailed off, surreptitiously glancing over at the window.
She rolled her eyes. "Are you always this articulate?" she snorted.
James sighed. "Tonight's the full moon, Evans," he muttered.
Lily fell silent, her heart skipping a beat. "Oh."
"Yeah."
Lily frowned. "So where is it that you have to be?" she asked, skeptical.
"It's a Marauder tradition."
"Oh, well that answers my question," she drawled sarcastically, shooting a look at him.
James shrugged. "Sorry, I can't give much more than that," he cringed guiltily. "All I can say is that Sirius, Peter, and I are planning on meeting in the hospital wing in about twenty minutes." A lie.
Lily's frown deepened, recognizing the vagueness in his explanation. "I really don't mean to pry, but what good is it to Remus if the three of you are messing around in the hospital wing while he goes through what I can only imagine is an ugly transformation?"
A sigh escaped James' lips. He knew this wouldn't be easy but he was really hoping Lily would stop asking questions before she got herself in too deep. "It's a Marauder tradition, Evans," he muttered again. "I just…um…I mean, what can I say? We support each other even if we're not physically there. We stick by each other through the good times and the bad."
"Didn't realize the four of you recently got married," Lily drawled, suppressing the urge to smile.
James found himself grinning. "Sorry, but we're kinda a four-for-one deal. Last month when that wizards flu was going around, we all spent about two weeks in the hospital wing. Sirius got it first. I'm pretty sure he got it from Rachael. Then I got it. Then Peter. And last was Remus. But what's the fun in spending a boring night alone in the eerie hospital wing? It's a lot easier to take with your mates so we all snuck into the hospital wing. I guarantee that's probably why the rest of us got the flu."
Lily wasn't sure whether to be angry at them for breaking rules or be touched at the devotion each of them seemed to possess. "I was in the hospital wing for a night or two then. How come I didn't hear you guys?"
"It's called a silencing charm, Evans," James said with a smirk. "Believe me, Sirius is a pro at performing silencing charms. One guess as to why."
Lily shuddered. "One guess too many," she scoffed.
James snickered, leaning back in his chair. "We're meeting in twenty. Just wanted to-"
"That's fine."
James quirked a confused eyebrow. "What?"
Lily glanced down at the paperwork in front of her. She was nearly finished with her half of the work and as her eyes fixed on the mound of folders and schedules in front of James, she could tell he was, too. And honestly, she was impressed with James. Although she often found him arrogant and way too selfish, the close bond he had with his three male cohorts was undeniable. He could be a jerk to women and to Slytherins, but it was obvious that he'd never turn his back on the Marauders. And a part of that felt comforting to her. "I said it was fine. We don't have that much else to do. Go ahead and I'll finish this up."
"Oh," James said, surprised. "Are you sure?"
"Of course," Lily urged.
"Y'know, I'll be breaking a few school rules," he attempted to tease.
She merely shrugged. "I'll look the other way this time," she said casually.
"Wow, never thought you'd actually let me get away with breaking the rules. You have changed, m'friend," he said with a smile.
The quill in her hand froze as she met his gaze. Maybe it was the word 'friend' or maybe it was the way he believed that she had changed. Whatever it was, a flutter of nostalgia grew in her heart. But she quickly ignored it. "Maybe I'm just fine with you not being around," she retaliated with another shrug.
He frowned. "Oh."
"Now go before I change my mind."
James hesitated, slowly nodding. He didn't know why he was expecting such resistance from her, but he found himself slightly disappointed when she agreed so quickly to let him off the hook. He couldn't help but realize that he missed the quick, witty banter they used to share. It was better than this cold, distant nonexistent relationship they had fallen into. "Okay," he murmured.
Lily couldn't help but note that he sounded thwarted. Dismayed almost. She avoided eye contact with him as he started to gather his things. He placed his folder of information in front of her so she could finish it up and placed the rest of his things in his bag. He slowly stood up and slung that bag over his shoulder, frowning as his gaze fixated on the determined quirk in her eye, her focus on the pages in front of her. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, but found that his mind was blank.
He wasn't surprised when she didn't bother speaking up herself as he started to stride towards the library exit. Before he could get very far, he glanced over his shoulder and said for lack of anything better to say, "Thank you, Lily."
She stiffened at the sound of her first name on his tongue. She simply nodded. "Of course, Potter."
He frowned, sighing inwardly. "See you tomorrow morning."
"Yeah," she said softly. "See you then."
For the first time since he had succeeded in his Animagus transformation, he had no desire to stroll the grounds with the guys. All he wanted was to crawl into his bed and bury himself under his covers. He had really screwed things up with Lily. And he hated himself for it. Why did he have to go and kiss her? Not once but twice! What was going through his head during that time? And more importantly, what was going through his mind now? Because he couldn't for the life of him figure out what it is he was thinking when it came to Lily Evans. She remained a mystery to him.
He was slowly beginning to think that maybe that was just better for all involved. Because clearly trying to get to figure her out was not working out in his favor.
With only three nights left before Christmas Break, Christmas was all anyone could ever talk about. The Christmas trees had been brought to the Great Hall and adorned with ornaments with help from Hagrid and the prefects. Lily and James had successfully avoided each other during the decoration set-up. Lily had been in charge of the garland in the foyer while James ran the group of students in the Great Hall. In the end, the decorations looked great, even with the Head Boy and Head Girl on non-speaking terms. Remus attempted to draw out what had happened between them with very little luck. Whatever had happened after James accidentally slapped Lily seemed to be prohibited among everyone else.
Those last few days before Christmas happened to be a bit of a wreck for the Marauders and for Lily, Riley, and Kay. James was so confused about the Lily/Kristina situation that he chose to hole up in his room in order to avoid both Lily and Kristina, too guilty about what happened to face either one of them. He found himself finishing up homework that he normally would have put off until January. Sirius and Riley were sneaking around trying to hide their relationship from the public, which surprisingly turned out to be easier than they thought since everyone else happened to be preoccupied and even Sirius' usual fan club was too engrossed with the holidays to fawn over him for the time-being. Lily locked herself in her room, remembering the times she used to spend with her family leading up to Christmas. She remembered the night that the four of them would make hot chocolate and hang ornaments on their tree. When they were all done, Lily's father would hoist her onto his shoulders and let her put the angel on the tree. It was the idea that Lily would never be able to put the angel on the Christmas tree with her dad ever again that made her depressed around the holidays. It was the idea that Christmas had been ruined when she was eight-years-old and every year thereafter because of a drunk man falling asleep at the wheel that made her loathe the joy on everyone else's faces around the holidays. It was the idea that Christmas would never be the same that made her hate the holiday with a fiery passion.
While everyone else was hiding, Kay found herself spending more time with Remus and Peter because coincidentally they were the only two who she ever saw around anymore.
Kay pouted as she sat on the couch in between Remus and Peter for what felt like the hundredth time that week. "It's Friday night, I'm going home tomorrow, and I haven't hung out with my friends since Riley's party. What the hell is going on here?"
Remus yawned. "Something is going on with our friends that no one is telling us about, that's what," he muttered.
She frowned. "Yeah, I figured that one out for myself," she murmured. "I can understand Lily's active desire to avoid James after being smacked by him, but what I-"
"No, something else is going on with them," Remus interrupted, slowly shaking his head. "I tried asking James what had been said after the incident and he got totally flustered and thought it would be a good idea to talk about the weather we've been having. I'm telling you, something went down between them that they are hiding."
"Or avoiding," Peter chimed in.
"And avoiding," Remus agreed with a nod.
"What do you think happened?" Kay asked curiously.
"I haven't a clue," he responded with a stifled yawn. "But in all honesty, I don't rightly care at this point. I am so sick of their back and forth 'we hate each other,'now we can tolerate each other,'he's still an ass and she's still a priss,'okay, now we're really friends,' right back to 'not only do we hate each other but we aren't going to speak to each other at all if we can avoid it.' Those two may be the most frustrating people on the planet."
"I am going to have to wholeheartedly agree with you on that one," Kay murmured. "Although to be fair, it isn't just James that Lily seems to be avoiding. She's been nonexistent to all of us these past few days."
"Doesn't she always get like that before Christmas?" Remus asked curiously.
Kay nodded. "Yeah. She usually finds a quiet corner in this castle and buries herself in her studies so as to avoid whatever reason it is that she hates the holidays so much."
"Man, she's a pro when it comes to avoiding," Peter snorted, to which Kay couldn't help but nod. "So why exactly does she hate Christmas?"
"Beats me," Kay murmured. "She never talks about it. Refuses to actually. Riley and I gave up a long time ago trying to get answers from her. All I know is that she never goes home for it. Ever since her first year, she has remained at Hogwarts."
Remus hesitated curiously. "Does she ever really talk about her home life with you?"
Kay shook her head. "Very little if at all," she admitted.
Remus couldn't help but frown. It sounded like he and Lily Evans had a lot in common. He met Peter's gaze and knew that Peter was probably thinking the same thing. Remus couldn't remember the last time he mentioned his family. Every year Christmas came around, he typically spent it wherever James and Sirius did. "Interesting," he muttered, choosing to quickly change the subject before Kay delved on. "So any chance Riley, Sirius, and James are joining in Lily's 'Let's Ban Christmas' idea? Because I have yet to see them around much either." He flashed her a smile.
"Oh please, the day Sirius gives up multitudes of gifts and mistletoe is the day Lily resigns from Head Girl," Kay snorted with a cheeky laugh.
Both Remus and Peter joined in her laughter. "Valid point," Peter responded.
"For two people who supposedly hate each others' guts, Riley and Sirius seem to be spending an awful lot of time together recently," Remus mused.
"Yeah, because they both put off doing their Transfiguration project until last minute," Peter pointed out, rolling his eyes. "Like that's anything new."
Remus shrugged, having a feeling that once again his friends were hiding something. He recalled the venemous look on Riley's face on Wednesday when she had stormed into the guys' dorm to berate Sirius for doing Merlin knows what. And then suddenly, in a matter of minutes, everything seemed to be just fine with them. It didn't sit right with him.
Kay stifled a yawn. "I'm bored," she whined, changing the subject. "It's the Friday night before break and we are lounging around the common room like a bunch of pathetic loners. I want to do something rather than sit here."
Remus shrugged. If anyone should be frustrated with lounging around, it should be him considering he spent all afternoon the previous day just hanging out in the hospital wing. "Do you know what my Uncle Ichabod would say right now?"
"Why the hell did my parents call me Ichabod?" Peter responded.
"No," Remus argued, giving him a look. "He'd say we should go out and make our own fun!"
Kay paused. "But it's a hell of a lot easier if we wait for fun to come to us."
"Yeah, it keeps us young if we don't go running around this school frantically without a plan," Peter teased.
"No, it keeps you lazy," Remus corrected.
"Another reason why we should wait for fun to come to us," Kay reassured.
"You two are pathetic."
"On that note," Kay muttered, getting off the couch, "I'm going to go look for Lily…or Riley…or Alice...or pretty much anyone that isn't you two."
"Well gee, I feel so loved," Remus snickered.
"You should. You two are the only people I've been hanging out with for the past couple of days," Kay grumbled, grinning. "Catch you guys later?"
When she was out of earshot, Peter sighed and turned towards Remus. "Why haven't we seen much of Sirius and James around lately?" he asked curiously. It seemed that any time the four of them were together, it took only a few seconds before James was mumbling something about rushing off to study and Sirius made up some excuse to dash out as well.
"I've long given up trying to figure out those two headcases," Remus murmured, bitterness spewing from his words. It seemed that drama often followed his two friends around. He was starting to wonder if they welcomed drama. "But knowing them, my guess is James is cavorting off with Kristina and Sirius is in a private corner of this castle with Rachael."
Peter shook his head. "No. Last I heard, Rachael and Sirius had broken it off so I doubt he's with-"
"Wait, he and Rachael broke it off? Why was I never told about this?"
Peter frowned. "Honestly, that's what I'd like to know," he responded dryly. "I overheard Rachael telling Randy this morning."
"But why didn't Sirius tell us?" Remus contemplated, shaking his head in confusion. "He would usually come dancing into the room saying he was a free man and proceed to jump up and down on the bed with that goofy little grin of his, asking us which girl he should turn into his next conquest."
"I know. That's why I was surprised to hear about it from Rachael."
Remus' gaze fell upon Rachael in the corner of the room, clearly ignoring whatever conversation her friends were trying to hold. Shew as too busy staring out the window looking glum. "You know, for someone whose ground is always being worshiped, he's really a coward," he claimed slowly.
"What makes you say that?"
"He has never actually broken up with a girl outright," Remus explained with a shrug. "He's always found some way to manipulate them into doing it for him. Typically, he just runs off to hook up with some other girl actively looking to get caught. Or he ignores the girl the next day after hooking up with them hoping they'll take the hint."
"To be fair," Peter slowly said, "The girls that get involved with him should know what to expect. Sirius has made it pretty clear that he is not relationship material nor does he want to be."
Remus frowned. "Right," he murmured. "I guess considering he's never technically been in an actual relationship in his entire life, this is all just a rationalization."
Remus often speculated over Sirius' relationship habits, but that was probably because he didn't have, or want, his own relationship to speculate over. He had a feeling that Sirius wasn't entirely happen with his womanizing ways, but that it wasn't something he was planning on shunning anytime soon. Sirius seemed to never be satisfied with what was right in front of him and Remus couldn't help but wonder if that was merely because he had unrealistic expectations about what a relationship should be about.
Knock, knock.
Lily groaned, stifling a yawn, as she climbed out of bed. That had been her third nap that day, mostly because the more she slept the more her situation with James and her parents' death strayed from her mind.
Knock, knock.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming," Lily muttered, walking leisurely over to the door. She slowly opened it and was surprised to find Kay standing there, with what looked to be an irritated look on her face. "Hey Kay. What's up?"
"Where the hell have you been these last couple of days?"
Lily gave her a curious look. "Uh…hi to you, too. Happy last day of classes."
Kay glared at her.
Lily noted her frustration and grinned sheepishly. "Sorry," she murmured. "And what do you mean where have I been? I've been around."
"Oh, gee, thanks for being specific," she drawled sarcastically. "You've been MIA this entire week."
"What are you talking about? I sit next to you in all of our classes," Lily pointed out.
"Yes, but you'd conveniently get to class right as class started, and then you'd conveniently be the first to get up and rush out of the room. So, yeah, I sit next to you, but we've barely spoken a word to each other since Riley's birthday party," Kay explained, crossing her arms bitterly. "You've avoided the Great Hall, you've appeared to have banned the Gryffindor common room, and you have even neglected to find solace in the library. You've been holed up in your room all week. What's going on?"
Lily knew she was right. She had been disappearing a lot lately, choosing to spend most of her time alone and without the comfort of her friends. But this shouldn't have come as a susprise to Kay. She did this every year around this time. "I've just been busy, Kay," she murmured, realizing just how stupid that sounded.
"Busy?" Kay drawled irritably. "Seriously? You're going to use that excuse?"
Lily tried not to look flustered as she blurted out, "I'm Head Girl, Kay. I have a lot of responsibilities that need to be taken care of. I can't just-"
"Oh don't give me the Head Girl excuse," Kay retaliated almost immediately.
"It's not an excuse, Kay," Lily explained, feeling slightly taken aback by the hostility in Kay's voice. "I'm sorry if I've been doing a bit of a disappearing act lately and it's affected you, but I can't help that I'm-"
"What's going on with you and James?"
Well, that threw Lily for a loop. "What?"
"You're hiding out here from James."
"Oh, I am not," Lily lied, shaking her head. "I'm just not in a particular festive mood, alright?"
Kay shrugged. "Look, I know that the holidays aren't your favorite time. I don't know why, but I know to just give you your space. But it's the Friday before I leave for home, my wretched home mind you, and you, Riley, and I typically spend all night eating junk food and staying up way past midnight like gossippy little schoolchildren discussing the gifts we hope to get for Christmas and what our New Year's resolution should be. Just because you're in this weird little mood of yours, a mood that I can most likely guarantee has to do with a certain Head Boy, doesn't mean that should change, right?"
"Oh? And where's Riley now?"
Kay frowned. "Damned if I know," she muttered. "Apparently she's pulling a Lily and going MIA."
Lily blinked. "I'm not MIA. I'm standing right here."
Kay shot her a look. "Seriously, Lily, what is going on with you and James?"
"Nothing," she urged. A blatant lie. "Do you really think I'd be hiding out in my bedroom, a room that is just a mere few feet away from Potter's room, if I were trying to avoid him?"
"Yes," Kay replied almost immediately. "Because, and again I have no iea what the story is between you two so this is only half speculation, he, too, is avoiding you. So it's not like he's about to barge into your room and demand you to talk to him."
"You're right," Lily said grimly. "You don't know the story between us. And I'd appreciate you not speculating because of it even if it is a half-speculation."
"I'm your best friend. It's in my job description to speculate."
"You've always been overly curious, Kay."
She narrowed her eyes. "And what is that supposed to mean?"
"It means give it up. You can't always get the answers you so often desperately seek."
Kay scowled. "I'm not desperate, Lily," she snapped. "I'm concerned about you. You're clearly going through something and I'm just trying to-"
"Be nosy?" Lily muttered.
Her face clouded over with hurt. "I'm trying to be a friend," she said dryly. "Something you clearly don't know a whole lot about right now."
Lily cringed, knowing that Kay was right. "You're right, I'm sorry," she winced. "I'm just..." she sighed, shrugging. "I'm just busy, Kay. And-"
"Because you're forcing yourself to be busy."
"And so what if I am?" Lily argued. "I have a right to be busy whether it's forced upon me or I'm forcing it upon myself."
"I'm not saying it's not allowed," Kay said with a frown. "I'm saying that I'm leaving tomorrow morning for break and I won't see you for two weeks. Sorry if I want to spend time with my friends the day before traipsing to my hell of a home."
Lily was seconds away from saying she should be grateful that she even had a home. Instead, she said, "I'd trade places with you any day. You can deal with the Marauders and I'll deal with your family."
Kay's eyes narrowed. "That wasn't my point."
"It kinda was."
Kay sighed. "Lily, talk to me. What's going on?"
"Nothing," she urged, a blatant lie. In retrospect, the question should have been what wasn't wrong. Lily knew she was being selfish and little unfair by wanting to push Kay away, but all she really wanted was to be alone. She didn't want to talk about the holidays or families or James. She didn't want to talk at all.
She was about to tell Kay that she really just wanted some alone time when she heard the door to their common room open. Lily panicked, emitting a shriek, and grabbed Kay's arm, practically shoving her friend into her room and slamming the door behind her.
There was a smirk on Kay's face. "You call that nothing?"
Lily sighed, flopping on to her bed. "Sorry, I just...I don't want to deal with him, alright?" she muttered, blushing.
"Yeah, I kinda sensed that," Kay snorted, meandering over to Lily's window ledge and seating herself comfortably atop it. "You ready to tell me what's up with you two?"
"Oh, it's the same old crap," Lily lied, shrugging. "He's a jackass and doesn't know it."
"Lily, you practically pulled my shoulder out of the socket when you thought James was walking into the room," Kay pointed out with a knowing look. "That isn't the same old crap."
"Oh, I did not pull your shoulder out of its-"
"That wasn't my point."
Lily sighed, slowly sitting up on her bed as her eyes met Kay's curious gaze. "Please just let it go," she said softly. "I-I don't want to discuss it. I barely want to think about it."
Kay was surprised by the vulnerability in her friend's voice. She wasn't used to seeing this fragile side of Lily. Lily was always the epitome of strong-willed and confident. She was a natural born leader, an air of determination following her around everywhere she went. It was impossible for people to not respect Lily Evans for the way she carried herself, unless of course they were biased towards her blood status. "What don't you want to think about, Lily?" Kay asked, slightly taken aback.
Once again, a sigh escaped Lily's lips. "Nothing."
Kay frowned. "No. It's definitely something."
For some unknown reason, tears sprang to Lily's eyes. Were they tears in her parents' memory? Were they tears filled with overwhelming confusion due to James? Were they tears that the holidays were a horrible time for her? Or was it a combination of all three? She was just tired of being so damned lost and confused all the time. When she glanced up at her friend, she noted the deep concern on her face. And before she could say it was nothing one more time, she found herself desperate to talk to someone. Anyone. "Kay," she said in a small voice, quickly looking away. "If...if I tell you something, will you promise not to say anything to anyone? And I mean it. Not to Riley or Remus or Alice or anyone. You have to keep your lips sealed. So help me Merlin, if I hear about you telling anyone, I will disown you as a friend forever."
Kay was thrown by the vehemence in Lily's voice. "Lily, you can tell me anything and I promise not to breathe a word of it to anyone. You can trust me."
"Potter kissed me," she blurted out.
Shock couldn't even begin to describe what Kay was feeling. She froze on the ledge, her jaw dropped open and her eyes bulged out as she attempted to find any form of a sentence to say aloud. All she could come up with was, "Er...come again?"
Lily nodded. "You heard me right."
"James Potter kissed you?"
"No, another Potter. Yes, James Potter!"
"Hey, I don't think it's that crazy of a question. In fact, the idea of Dezzy kissing you seems more feasible than James doing it at this time."
Lily glared at her.
She grinned sheepishly. "I can tell you're not in a joking mood, so I'm going to ignore the fact that you didn't laugh at what I thought was a pretty amusing joke," she said with a shrug. "Alright, so when exactly did this happen?"
"After he slapped me," she muttered.
"Ah, right, because the natural progression from slapping someone is kissing them."
"Kay, this isn't funny!" Lily whined, grabbing her pillow and throwing it over her face with a groan.
Kay sighed, climbing off the ledge to perch on the edge of Lily's bed. She tried wrestling the pillow away from Lily with very little success. "So exactly how did this happen?"
Lily sighed, slowly removing the pillow from her face. "I don't know. One minute he's attempting to apologize, next minute we're screaming at each other, and then suddenly...well, you know."
"James is kissing you," she murmured, saying the words aloud as if she were trying to convince herself of the truth.
Lily merely offered her friend a curt nod.
"Are you sure it was a kiss? Maybe you two just accidentally leaned into each other and your lips just happened to graze."
Lily glared up at Kay, who was attempting to keep a straight face. "Kay, I may not be the promiscuous snogger of Gryffindor as that title is clearly held by Riley, but I haven't been living under a rock all these years. I know what kissing is. And will you quit laughing? This isn't funny!"
She grinned, shrugging. "So tell me, is he a good kisser?"
"KAY!"
She laughed as Lily glared at her. "I'm sorry. You just look so down and I guess I'm hoping if I turn this into a humorous situation, you won't feel so out of place."
"I don't feel out of place."
"Seems to me that you do."
Lily sighed, not responding. Truth was, sometimes she felt out of place in her own skin so of course she felt out of place in the recent addition to the James and Lily chaos train.
"Can I ask the obvious question here?" Kay asked.
"What, the obvious question isn't if he's a good kisser or not?" Lily drawled sarcastically.
Kay grinned. "See, this is kinda funny."
Lily's glare intensified.
Kay sighed, a slight frown appearing on her face. "What exactly does this mean for you two?"
"Nothing," Lily said almost immediately, shrugging.
Kay shook her head. "Well, that's a lie. It obviously means something."
"No, it doesn't," Lily pleaded. "Nothing changed. He's still James Potter and I'm still Lily Evans."
Kay's eyebrows knitted together, confused. "Gee, how vague. What exactly is that supposed to mean?"
Lily sighed. It meant that James Potter was still the most popular guy at school and she...well, she wasn't. Just because he felt guilty for not only calling her worthless but for making her feel worthless doesn't change the fact that in all honesty, the two of them were complete opposites in every way. They didn't fit together. Not even a little bit. And she didn't want them to. He was James Potter. James Potter. The guy who tortured her endlessly for seven years. Why would she want whatever ridiculous kiss between them to mean something?
Right?
She sighed. "It just means that nothing has changed. It was a stupid mistake. He has a girlfriend, remember?"
Kay knew that wasn't what she had been referring to but as she was about to push further, she noted a sense of desperation in her friend's expression that filled Kay with concern. Lily was the epitome of strong-willed and confident. She was a natural born leader in the sense that an air of determination followed her wherever she went. This vulnerable, defeated side of Lily wasn't one Kay was used to. "Can I ask another question?"
Lily nodded.
"Why are you so determined to hate the guy? Why is it so hard for you to admit that maybe, just maybe, he isn't half bad?"
Lily hesitated, not sure how to respond. It wasn't that it was hard for her to admit that. It was just easier pretending that she hated him. Because the moment she let her guard down and decided she didn't hate him might just be the moment she realized she hadn't wanted that kiss to be a mistake. And that was a moment she wanted to avoid. "We have too much history."
"Wow, could you be more vague?"
Lily shot her a look.
"The guy kissed you, did he not? Seems to me he's trying to shed that history and start anew."
"The guy kissed me because he was curious. He's leered after me for years and I was the only girl to ever say no. Before the kiss even started, it was over. It meant nothing. He means nothing."
Kay frowned. "Can I ask another question?"
"What?"
"Did you kiss him back?"
Lily glared at her. "I am so not answering that."
"That's a yes," she said with a grin. She ducked as Lily's pillow went soaring towards her face.
Lily rolled her eyes, neglecting to tell her friend that she could still feel James' lips against hers.
"So, do you really think hiding from him is going to solve your predicament?" Kay asked curiously.
"What predicament are you referring to?" Lily snorted.
"I don't know, you tell me."
Lily frowned, collecting her thoughts. Eventually she spoke. "It's all in the past."
"Seriously, be more vague."
Lily slowly turned to glance at her friend. "Please don't tell anyone about this."
"And now you're changing the subject," she muttered.
"Kay."
She sighed. "I won't tell anyone, Lily. I promise," she said in all sincerity.
"Thanks."
Kay couldn't help but get the last word in. "But you not telling anyone isn't going to make it any easier to avoid."
Lily didn't respond. Mostly because she knew Kay was right.
Kay meandered back into the common room later that night, wondering what the hell was really going on with Lily and James. After finding out about their kiss, Kay also couldn't help but wonder what else those two may be hiding from everyone. She would have loved to get Remus or Peter or Sirius' opinion but she knew that Lily would probably murder her with her bare hands if she found out Kay had discussed it with James' friends.
She snickered when she saw Remus and Peter in exactly the same spot they had been in when she left, a game of wizarding chess now in front of them. "You guys really know how to party hard on a Friday night, hm?" she teased, sinking into the loveseat beside them.
"It was either this or watch those two fourth years snog in the corner," Remus said with a shrug. "We decided to go with wizarding chess."
She chuckled. "Good call."
"Did you find Lily or Riley or Alice?"
Kay nodded. "Yeah, Lily was hiding in her room."
"Big shock," Peter snorted.
"Did you figure out what the hell is going on between her and James?" Remus asked.
Kay prayed that the fake smile on her face wasn't giving anything away. "Of course not. Those two should really get jobs within the Department of Mysteries after Hogwarts. They'd be pros."
"Yeah, but that may require them to work together," Remus teased, moving a pawn up one space. "And that can only end in disaster."
"As does everything they attempt to do together," Peter muttered, scrutinizing the board in front of him. "So am I correct in assuming she is still hiding in her room?"
Kay shrugged, feeling slightly disheartened. "She wanted to be alone."
Remus noted the sorrow in her voice. "And you didn't?"
"What? No, it's just..." Kay said, surprised that Remus picked up on her frustration. "I don't know. Break starts tomorrow."
"Yeah. And?"
"Break starts tomorrow."
"Ah, yes, thank you for clarifying."
She sighed, running her fingers through her hair. "I just...I'm not a huge fan of going home, I guess."
"Why not?" Peter asked.
Kay's lips pursed instinctively. "Because my father just sits in the corner, barely ever making a comment—choosing to steer clear of any family conflict which is probably a smart choice on his part. My mother's exactly the opposite, trying in any way to butt into my life, wondering if sending me away to boarding school was a good idea. She's constantly contemplating whether she should send me to a regular school nearby home until my grandmother finally screams at her for being too overprotective, causing mum to drink herself into a stupor, crying in her locked bedroom that her mother doesn't appreciate her. Which is ironic since it's obvious my mother doesn't appreciate me. And my brother resents me for getting away from our fucked-up family when he's stuck going to a regular school nearby. And my sister was really the only reason I ever went home and of course this year, she's spending Christmas with her fiancée in China, far away from me and any normalcy to my family!"
Peter and Remus both stared at her in slight shock, realizing that they clearly didn't know much about the girl that they have shared a House with for six years. "I can see why you're not a fan of home," was all Remus could think of saying.
Kay shrugged. "Yep."
"Well, if it helps, my family isn't so great either," Peter muttered. "They insist that we put on a show of being the perfect, lovey-dovey family in front of all of my extended family but behind the scenes, we're just as fucked up as your family apparently is, too. I'm just thankful I could use the excuse 'but this is our last year at Hogwarts and I'm staying here with my friends' and get out of going home."
Kay glanced at him curiously. "No, that doesn't really help," she teased. "It's not like I wish family drama on everyone else just because I have to deal with it."
Remus couldn't help but frown. "Hell, I would welcome family drama," he found himself blurting out. "At least that would mean my family had to talk to me."
Peter gazed up at his friend in shock. It was a very rare occasion for Remus to mention his family. Peter didn't know much, just that they had all become slightly estranged quickly after Remus had gotten bitten by the werewolf.
"What do you mean?" Kay asked.
Remus shifted uncomfortably, shaking his head. "Nothing, never mind."
Kay frowned but didn't push it. It was clear by the panicked look in Remus' eye that he didn't want to discuss it. "Well, aren't we a lively bunch tonight," she said with a smile, her attempt at lightening the mood.
Remus glanced down at the wizarding chess board in front of him before plastering a smile on his face. "Kay was right before. It's the last night before break. We should be out having some fun. Who's up for making some chocolate chip cookies in the kitchens?"
Peter shrugged. "I was clearly going to lose this match so I'm in."
Remus laughed, turning his attention over to Kay. "What do you say?"
"I don't know, I'm kind of fascinated with the fourth years snogging in the corner."
They let their laughter lead the way to the kitchens.
A/N: Okay, that's it. This is somewhat of a filler chapter so sorry if it's kinda boring, haha. Please review and I'll try to update within a few days.