A/N: Holy mackerel...over 400 reviews! A very long chapter from me to thank you for all the support, enjoy...

Chapter 34 - Parents

Jane made some dinner as night drew in they found themselves in bed shortly afterwards. They were both much too exhausted to make love and neither seemed to need to. They both knew they would have plenty more opportunities, the last few days their lovemaking had been frantic, both of them feeling a sense of desperation to hold on to that aspect of their relationship since they didn't know what future the rest of it held. Instead they held each other as Lisbon caressed his chest and he stroked her hair, kissing her on the forehead until they fell asleep.

Jane awoke a few hours later to find her gone from the bed. He hadn't sailed the boat back to the marina so knew she couldn't have gone far. When he heard no sound from the bathroom he threw on a shirt and jeans and ventured back to the top deck. He found her there wearing one of his shirts and a blanket curled around her knees that she held tight against her chest, looking up at the stars. Before she saw him he noticed a far away expression in her face. He could see her eyes and mouth switch from happiness to sadness before she turned around to him, her look then turning to surprise.

'I'm sorry. Did I wake you, getting up?'

He shook his head and came closer, sitting beside her and pulling half the blanket over his own knees and putting his arm around her shoulder. 'No, not really. Lucky we stayed out here tonight. It was a good plan of mine wasn't it? To make sure you couldn't bolt when I poured my heart out.'

She smiled at him and rested her head on his shoulder. 'You don't need to worry. I haven't changed my mind about us.'

He smiled and let out a deep breath he didn't even realise he was holding in. 'Since when are you the one who can read minds?'

'I learned from the best' she smiled, her head still on his shoulder.

He pulled her a little closer and placed a kiss on her head. 'So, are you the insomniac now too? Why are you out here in the middle of the night?'

'Just saw it was a lovely clear night. It's not often you see the stars so bright when you've lived in cities most of your life.'

He smiled down at her then pointed to a star in the sky. 'You see that one up there, the orangey-red one?'

She nodded. 'You mean Betelgeuse?'

He pulled away from her slightly so he could look her in the face. 'How did you-'

'You really think I know nothing about general knowledge, don't you?' she smiled back at him.

He shrugged. 'No. It's not that...it's just-'

She glared at him still smiling as he struggled for the words. 'You think all I know is how to shoot straight and defuse a bomb?'

He smiled back at her. 'Well, those two skills have come in pretty handy on a couple of occasions I seem to recollect.'

'Stop trying to get out of it.'

He nodded. 'Okay, so how did you know about Betelgeuse? I've never seen you take any interest in science or the stars whatsoever, at least not unless it's got to do with a forensics report. Have you been a secret Trekkie all these years? Or, is it Star Wars you're into? If you have somehow stashed away a Princess Leia costume all this time without telling me I don't think I'll ever forgive you. Well, not until you wear it for me one night, at least, then I might just think about it.'

She giggled and moved into him closer. 'Trying to dress me up again, huh? I'm sorry to disappoint you but no, it's nothing like that.'

'So, what is it like?'

Lisbon sighed and gathered her knees in closer to her chest. 'When I was eight I got a telescope for a birthday present.'

Jane grinned back, his eyes wide open. 'You did?' Then he saw a look of anguish cross her face and he added more seriously, 'Your father bought it for you.'

She nodded and smiled sadly. 'I don't think he really bought it for me to be honest. I think he wanted one and mom wouldn't let him so he used my birthday coming up as an excuse. But it made me feel so grown up in a strange way. My brothers were too young, well too young and too wild really, to touch it but he spent hours teaching me all about the different constellations and planets. He was so patient and loved seeing my face when I could focus something in the lens and see it for myself.'

Jane smiled at her, a lump forming in his throat. She had talked to him briefly one night about how bad things got for her and her brothers after her mother had died and he hated the man she was talking about now so fondly.

She seemed to pick up on something in his demeanour. 'I told you before, Jane. It wasn't all bad with him. When my mother was alive he was a great dad.'

'I know, I remember. It's just hard reconciling it to the man he became.'

'Well, it's not just you that can change who they are depending on the cards they're dealt.'

He nodded.

After a few moments she asked, 'Do you...do you have any good memories of your childhood?'

He thought for a second and nodded. 'Yes, of course I do. Not too many but some.'

'Of your father?'

He shook his head. 'No. Alex Jane was never father material. But I do have some good memories of...of my mother.'

It was the first time he had ever mentioned her and Lisbon's eyes opened wide. In his file she was never mentioned so she had no idea about the woman who gave birth to Patrick Jane. She had come up with some theories that she had perhaps died in childbirth or ran away when he was a baby but she had no clue he remembered her. He had paused after mentioning her and she could see the struggle in his face as he remembered something about her, tears welling up in his eyes. She didn't really understand how his memory palace worked but by what she was seeing in his expression the door to this particular room had been closed for a long time.

He straightened himself and exhaled, fidgeting with his hands a little to calm himself down. 'She was the first person to teach me a magic trick.' He smiled at the end of the sentence. Admitting this small thing, this almost insignificant fact to most people, seemed to take a weight off his chest.

Lisbon smiled back. 'She did? What was it?'

He found the strength to look at her and seemed to enjoy the memory now. 'You know the one where you make a coin disappear from your hand? I was about four or five I guess the first time she showed me. I was so amazed the first time she did it, I thought she had some kind of mystical powers.' He smiled widely now and chuckled a little.

'Was she a magician then?'

'No. Magician's assistant. A good one I imagine. What most people fail to realise is that the assistant is just as important as the magician. They have to time things to perfection. They don't get the praise they deserve.'

She smiled at him, obvious to her the pride he still felt for his mother even today.

'Is...is she dead?'

He nodded, his expression unchanged apart from a slight blink of his eyes when he heard the question. 'When I was seven.' He bit his lip and continued. 'She always had chest problems the whole time I was growing up. I don't know how many times I would drape a towel over her head as she breathed in some eucalyptus oils over a bowl of steaming water to help her breathe a little better. Especially in Winter. We lived in trailers so it wasn't exactly the best environment for someone with a weak chest.'

Lisbon touched his hand and looked at him, his eyes fixed on a point in the distance. 'But this one time she must have got worse. To be honest I don't remember much about it. When she got really bad I was farmed out to some other families to take care of me.'

'But what about a doctor, wasn't one called for?'

'Not until it was too late I guess. We weren't exactly rich, remember? Doctors cost money and they weren't called unless it was a last resort by any of the Carnie folk. The last time I saw her she was in hospital. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks. Every time I asked about her people would get this look in their eyes I didn't quite understand at the time. Pity I'd guess you'd call it.'

'You were taken there to say goodbye to her.'

He nodded, a tear running down his cheek that he wasn't aware of. 'I didn't know that at the time. My father just told me we were going to see her. I thought that meant she was coming home.' He sniffed and brushed the tear away absentmindedly. 'I couldn't understand it when she ruffled my hair and cried when I went in. I hadn't a clue what was going on. Guess that's why I still hate hospitals to this day. They always remind me of that day.'

'What was it exactly that she died of?'

'Pneumonia I think. To be honest I'm still not sure, nobody ever told me for certain.'

She put her arms around him and kissed his cheek. 'I'm so sorry, Patrick.'

He nodded and pulled her in closer to him, kissing her gently on the lips and touched her face. 'I've never really talked about that to another person before.'

Lisbon's lips parted in shock. 'Never? But...but what about Angela?'

He shook his head. 'She knew she died of course but I just told her that she got sick when I was a child but that I didn't remember much about her. I've never...shared so much about her before. I never wanted to, it was too hard.'

Lisbon nodded, unsure of what to say in return to such a grand statement. 'She loved you, always remember that.'

He nodded again, pulling back the tears. After a few moments he spoke again. 'She loved him too.'

Lisbon moved her head that had been resting on Jane's chest. 'Mmm?'

'My father.' His eyes, so soft and open a few minutes ago were now dark and menacing. 'It didn't matter what he did. How he treated her. I remember him coming home one morning smelling of cheap booze and cigars after being out all night, gambling I imagine with some of the other workers. She was standing at the stove making breakfast. I had heard her crying not an hour before. But he came up behind her and whispered something in her ear and put his hands around her waist and I heard her laugh after a few moments, her face crimson by whatever he'd said. He really was a charming man when he wanted to be.'

Lisbon saw the implication of his words straight away. 'It's not us, Jane. It never will be. You're not the man your father was. If you were, do you still think I'd be here after all this time? You think I'd take that kind of crap from you?'

Jane smiled and kissed her. 'No, I know you wouldn't. Just feel free to give me a kick up the ass whenever I step out of line as I undoubtedly will from time to time. My mother would have probably done the same to him if she'd lived longer. Or, at least, I'd like to think she would have.'

Lisbon smiled and raised her eyebrows. 'Since when do I need to be told to give you a kick up the ass?'

He smiled and snuggled into her again. 'There's one thing I haven't been able to find a solution to in our relationship.'

'Oh and what's that?'

He shrugged. 'I still don't deserve you. Maybe more than I did but still-'

'Will you quit that? Trust me, we're not so different. I'm not as perfect as you seem to think I am.'

'I don't seem to recall ever calling you perfect' he replied, eyes smiling at her.

'Well, whatever, just leave it, okay?'

Jane's words were meant to be just a gentle tease for her but she had taken them to heart and he knew something was at the back of her temper just then. 'I was only joking, Teresa. What's the matter?'

She sighed and looked around for a second, averting her eyes from him.

He moved around so he could see her again and moved a strand of her hair away from her face so he could get a better look. He had never seen her face like this, a mixture of fear, worry and guilt obvious to him. 'Tell me, Teresa, the truth from now on, remember? It goes both ways.'

She nodded, tears beginning to come down her cheeks silently. She spoke so softly Jane had to come close to her face to hear her. 'Do you remember when I talked about my father just after we got together, about how he used to beat my brothers?'

'Of course I do' he whispered.

'Do you remember I told you then that there was more to tell you about the night he committed suicide?'

'Yes. You told me you weren't ready to talk to me about it. You said you might never be.'

She nodded and exhaled, the next words coming out a little louder. 'I want to tell you now. Well, I don't really want to tell you at all to be honest but it'll help explain why you're wrong when you say you don't deserve me. I know you were kind of joking a minute ago but you still believe that to a certain extent. When I tell you it's going to make you look at me differently.' She swallowed a lump in her throat. 'It may change how you feel about me.'

Jane's eyes widened. 'Teresa, there's nothing you can tell me that's going to change how I feel about you.'

She rolled her eyes and sniffed. 'We'll see about that.'

She said, 'Before I begin please don't interrupt me, whether you want to reassure me or ask me any questions on what I'm telling you. I need to say this to you from start to finish before we talk about it.' She looked at him for confirmation and he nodded, a worried look covering his own face now.

She composed herself and wiped her tears, pulling herself straight against the seat. 'I was out late studying at the library when I came home that night to find him at the kitchen table, a bottle of whiskey open in front of him. That was nothing new. By that stage I knew from pretty much the moment he walked in from work whether he was going to be in one of his moods or not. If he was I stayed at home to try to make sure he didn't go off too much on one with my brothers. By then they knew to stay out of his way when he was like that but they still got a beating once in a while, or at least they did until I got in between them. He didn't beat them as often but when he did it was getting worse each time and it was getting more difficult to stop him.'

Jane nodded. She had told him that he had never laid a finger on her unless she got in the way by protecting her brothers and he couldn't stop himself in time. He had seen a photo of her mother and she was the image of Lisbon so her father seemed unable to beat her the way he had her brothers.

She continued. 'Anyway, that night I arrived home and all was quiet. I said a prayer of thanks that I hadn't come home to carnage, somehow I was always expecting one night to come home to find one of my brothers...Anyway, I came in and glanced at him and got a glass of water from the sink. We didn't really talk by that stage but it was a kind of ritual. I used to fetch him a glass of water every night and sit it beside his whiskey. I was hoping one night he might take it instead but he never did.'

Her voice trailed off as Jane noticed her fighting off her tears. It was taking all of his willpower not to put his arms around her but knew if he did so she would crumble and may never tell him what had happened.

'When I put the glass of water down he put his hand on mine. It was the first type of affection he had shown any of us since our mother died. I just stood there for a second, in shock I think. He didn't look up at me but he mumbled something. It took me another moment to figure out what he said.'

She swallowed again and her voice broke a little as the words came out. 'He said he was sorry. He said he ruined our lives and that he would be better off dead.'

She exhaled a few times trying to get air back into her lungs before continuing. 'Just then I noticed a bottle of pills on the table in front of him and knew what he was about to do. I pulled my hand away and just looked at him. I don't know how long for to be honest. My eyes kept darting from him to the pills. Finally I lifted them off the table and took them over to the sink. I opened them and just stood there, about to throw them down the drain. I don't know where my mind was, Jane. I kept on thinking he was right, it would be so much easier without him in our lives. I was exhausted, every day was getting harder and my brothers were getting hurt more and more each time he got mad.'

She stopped suddenly and bit her lip. Jane put his hand on her knee. He had figured out where this story was heading but he knew it was important for her to tell him. 'Go on, Teresa. What happened next?'

She turned to him and put her hand on the one he had placed on her knee, his soothing voice enabling her to find the strength to continue. 'I took the pills back to the table and slammed them down in front of him. For the first time that night he looked up at me, I think I saw a look of surprise in his face but I'm not sure to be honest. I said to him...I told him...I told him he was right, that we would all be better off if he was dead.' As the words finished coming out of her mouth she crumpled before him, laying her head on top of her knees and her hands to her face, sobbing quietly.

He pulled his hand away from her knee and got closer to her, putting his arms around her body as much as he could, then pulling her hands away from her face and circling them around his waist instead as he held her tightly with her head against his chest, whispering soothing tones into her ear, kissing her forehead and stroking her hair.

The sobs finally turned to whimpers and she pulled away from him, still afraid to look him in the eyes, afraid of a change she might see in them.

Jane raised her head and stared at her, making her see the revelation made no difference to the love he had for her.

She gasped and nodded, no words needing to be said between them.

'Then what happened?' he said quietly.

She sniffed, ran her hand across her nose and shrugged, pulling the blanket up to her neck. 'I went to bed. I just lay there thinking about what he was about to do. I'm not sure how long I lay there, a couple of hours I think, just staring at the ceiling. I could hear nothing from downstairs and thought, well hoped maybe, that he'd just fallen asleep instead. I finally realised I couldn't let him do what he was planning, it was a mortal sin for god's sake never mind anything else so I ran back downstairs.' She stopped and caught her breath again.

Jane nodded, finishing her story. 'It was too late, he was already gone.'

She nodded. 'He must have taken the whole damn bottle as soon as I went to bed. I checked for a pulse and rang an ambulance but...'

Jane nodded again.

She looked him in the eyes now. 'I may as well have killed him myself, Jane. I allowed it to happen. He reached out for me and I threw it back in his face. So, you see, we're not so different after all. I'm guilty of blaming myself for something for years too. I'm no saint.'

'Teresa, I'm not going to tell you what you did was right or wrong but you did what you did to save yourself and save your brothers. You said the beatings were getting worse for them. What would have happened if you'd stopped him that night and one of your brothers would have ended up beaten to death a week later? How would you have viewed that night then? Then you would have had a whole other reason to blame yourself and feel guilty.'

She nodded. 'I know that but still-'

'You were in a no win situation, sweetheart. You were barely an adult yourself and you'd been through hell for years with him. It was his decision to do what he did, he should never have made you any part of it. And besides, you did try to stop him, in any case.'

'Yeah, too late.' She looked him fully in the eyes. 'You don't see me any differently, do you? How can you not?'

He shrugged. 'Because I love you, each and every part of you, all the good and all the bad. Like you said earlier, the past makes us the people we are today and despite what you did that night or didn't do it's still made you into the incredible person you are today.'

She bit her lip and smiled back sadly. 'I love you too. Despite everything you've done too.'

He kissed her gently. 'Well, that's lucky.'

A/N: Will be interested in hearing the feedback on Lisbon's revelation, it's a little controversial. I'm going to finish this story with a couple of chapters where I'm just going to move them forward a little in time so you can get a glimpse of the changes to their lives. Hope you like and thank you again for reading, reviewing, following and favouriting (don't think that's a word!). If anyone's interested in Lisbon's previous conversation with Jane regarding her father it's in my previous fic New Beginnings, Chapter 33.