Jenny woke up in her office and sat up, groggy from a night of shadowed dreams and missing the comfort of her own bed and the warmth of her own husband. She sat up, rubbing her eyes, and stilled as a wave of nausea made her stomach roll.

She hadn't thrown up in days and was trying to take Merry's advice about eating before it got worse. There was a sleeve of crackers in the top drawer of her desk and a bottle of gingerale in her bag. Then she'd have to go downstairs and use the gym shower. Pulling a bag from the closet, Jenny was glad she still kept an extra set of clothes around. It had been more than nine months since she needed them last. Gibbs did not like when she slept in her office.

A little while later she stood under a hot spray of water, carefully shampooing her long hair. Having heard somewhere that it was good to talk to the baby, Jenny started, feeling self-conscious at first. Her father had teased her for years about her penchant for talking to herself and Rachel had continued it in college, even if her roommate was always doing the same thing. Once she'd started working for NCIS, Jenny had to curb the habit. Gibbs could be anywhere at any time and she hadn't wanted him to hear her stream of consciousness.

"It feels good to get clean," she observed out loud. "I always feel icky after sleeping in my clothes." Squeezing a mound of conditioner into her palm, Jenny began working it through the red tresses. "If your daddy didn't love my hair long so much, I'd cut it off in a heartbeat. But then what would he brush?"

Her words registered and Jenny closed her eyes tightly. It seemed that everything eventually lead back to Gibbs. It was an example of how tightly their lives had been woven together in the months since their wedding. Jenny sagged against the wall.

"Am I being foolish Little One? Should I just leave well enough alone and push all the doubts away?" She covered her face with her hands. "But why won't my heart let go? If it was easy, it wouldn't hurt so much."

Coming to no simple conclusion aside from the truth she'd shared with her husband after their first big fight, that she held onto hurt even when she didn't know why, Jenny touched her stomach gently, ending the thoughts she was willing to share with her baby.

Ten minutes later the redhead decided it just wasn't her day. There was a new development when she started dressing - for the first time her pants were feeling snug and just the thought of when she wouldn't be able to fit into them at all was enough to bring Jenny to tears.

On her way upstairs, the Director was glad it was still early. Talk they probably should, but she had no wish to run into her husband until absolutely necessary. Jenny had several out of the office meetings and appointments that day and was kept busy until mid-afternoon.

Like a coward, she came in a different way and took the back elevator to her office. The first glimpse Gibbs got of his wife was her back. He hoped that wasn't a foreshadowing of their future conversation. For all his thinking last night, he knew Kristyn was right, that Jenny deserved an answer to her question, and that it had to be the truth. But Gibbs dreaded the moment he spoke those words and watched her trust in him crumble to dust.

NCIS

Jenny went home with her security detail that night, still avoiding the inevitable confrontation that was coming. Gibbs was sitting at the kitchen table, staring at his hands when she walked in the front door. He stood slowly and walked towards her, stopping just outside the doorway. Jenny's brow furrowed and she couldn't help but feel that the distance between them was about to become a battleground.

"Kristyn said you deserved an answer," Gibbs started without preamble, "but I don't think you want to hear it and I really don't want to tell you what's in my head."

Annoyance coloured Jenny's reaction to his warning. "Just say it Jethro, since apparently now you have something to say."

Her reference to yesterday was a dig that found its mark, but Gibbs knew he deserved that one. "I love you Jenny," he began, "I will always love you. I need you to hear that, to know that. I thought a lot about loving you that week we didn't talk, and an abortion Jenny?" Anguish dripped from his words. "Not even that could make me stop loving you, but..." he hesitated and finally pounded in the last few nails. "I don't know if I could've loved you the same."

Jenny absorbed his words like a blow. The colour drained from her face and her heart physically hurt. "Why?" The single wounded word ripped through the air.

Gibbs frowned. "It didn't matter how that life inside you started Jenny, it deserved a chance, not death for a wrong it hadn't committed. His voice hardened. "Do you know what you almost stole from us?" he shot at her. "It's our baby."

Jenny's hands rested firmly on her hips, her voice getting louder. "You didn't know that! Neither of us knew."

"Even if we didn't Jen, being pregnant, having a life inside you...how could you have been thinking about ending it?" Gibbs couldn't wrap his mind around what had been going through her head.

Jenny was frustrated and angry and hurt beyond belief at the truth her husband had admitted to her. "Stop Jethro!" she yelled, digging her fingers into her already messy hair. "This isn't about Kelly! It's about you and me, but more me, because in case you forgot, I'm the one who was raped." Her tone softened and she met his tormented gaze. "I love you, but it had to be my choice, no matter what." She was using his words against him, and Gibbs knew he deserved it.

"I wish you'd talked to me about it," he finally said. "What you were thinking and feeling."

She shook her head. "You never gave me the chance. You never asked me what I decided." Jenny paced away from him, wishing the entry was so much larger right now. "I didn't know if I could keep the baby, but I wasn't going to get an abortion. I couldn't, not after I saw that video, and how alive a baby is at eight weeks." Tears started to gather in her eyes. "But that's not the point Jethro and that's not even the important part."

Jenny waited, so at last Gibbs asked. "What is?"

"I need you to love me even when it hurts."

Gibbs' brow furrowed and he opened his mouth but Jenny was already answering his question.

"I loved you after you turned me down, even when I found out about Shannon and how you hadn't told me." She closed her eyes. "I loved you through seven years of regrets, for which I take my share of the blame. Some days it nearly killed me. But not loving you would've been so much worse." Jenny stood tall and stared at him. "How much worse would it be for you?"

The words hit Gibbs' heart and he felt the truth of them. He hadn't thought about it that way, but Jenny was making a lot of sense. Still, he didn't know what to say to his wife. He'd loved her even when he hadn't wanted to. There was never a future moment Gibbs could see when he wouldn't love Jenny. She was his heart, his hope, his miracle, everything.

Jenny's eyes shadowed at his silence. "You and your 'no matter what'?" she scoffed, shaking her head. "Our vows don't count for anything if we can't say 'I love you' and mean it when we're in the middle of 'worse'." She crossed her arms. "Don't say those words again until you can mean them deeper than just the surface."

With that she walked away, unable to spend any more time in the same room with him. She needed a friend right now, not a husband, though they should be one in the same. Several minutes later Jenny came back with her coat and car keys.

She would go see Meredith. She needed the older woman's wisdom desperately tonight. Because right now, Jenny couldn't see how she and Gibbs were going to make it past this. All she knew was that she had to hold onto their long ago promise, that no matter how bad things got, neither of them would ever bring up the 'D' word. Their love deserved more than that.

NCIS

Jenny got into her car, the force of anger and sadness inside of her making her hands shake. She had to try three times before she could get the key in the ignition. She pulled out of the driveway, intent on nothing but getting away from Gibbs and the house and everything that had been said. The road ahead blurred as tears clouded her vision and Jenny blinked them away fiercely, not needing to get into a car accident tonight. Her baby had fought hard enough to make it this far, they didn't need any more challenges.

At first she was headed towards Bill and Meredith's, but though Jenny knew they cared about her, she wondered if their loyalty to Gibbs came first. She couldn't risk it. And how could she talk to Meredith about a baby she might've aborted, when her friend hadn't been able to give birth to any of the babies she'd so badly wanted?

Rachel was the next likely choice, but supportive or not, Jenny knew well the opinions her friend truly held about abortion. What she needed right now was someone who would just listen, someone to whom she could pour out her heart and get no judgement or condemnation from. And then suddenly Jenny knew there was only one place she could go. Turning around, she drove, anxious to see him again.

NCIS

It was the third time Jenny had walked away from him and Gibbs tried to remember what it meant when things came in threes. Did that mean next time it would be for good? Despite his regret for hurting his wife, the truth of her words lay bare his heart and he could think of nothing but her parting shot. "You and your 'no matter what'. Don't say those words to me again until you can mean them."

Still, as angry as Jenny had been, he cared about what happened to her and he wanted to know she was safe. Gibbs knew that Jenny sometimes drove when she was crying and that scared him. Giving her half an hour to get wherever she was going, he picked up the phone and started making calls.

When he'd gone through Ziva, Ducky, and Bill and Meredith, there was only one number left to try. "Hello, Rachel?" Gibbs asked.

She smiled "Hey Jethro, how are things?"

Figuring she wouldn't be so cheerful and welcoming if her best friend had shown up at her place in tears, touting terrible stories about insensitive, emotionally stunted husbands, Gibbs asked anyways. "Jenny's not there, is she?"

Rachel's tone grew cautious and he knew she wasn't sure who's side to be on. "No. Why?"

He sighed, preparing for the lecture that was likely coming. No one messed with Jenny and got through Rachel unscathed. "We had a fight. Look Rachel," Gibbs said, cutting her off before she could start, "I don't need to hear it. I'm already beating myself up about it and am aware that it's probably mostly my fault. But Jenny left and I don't know where she is. Even if I did, she's not going to want to see me. Will you help me find her?"

Gibbs asking for help like that was something different and Rachel swallowed her words. "I'll check some old haunts and let you know," she promised, already grabbing her coat and boots. Rachel was thinking so intently about where to start that she hung up the phone without saying goodbye and Gibbs was left alone again.

He drifted around the house, finding nothing to occupy neither hands nor thoughts. Finally, in desperation, Gibbs pulled on his jacket and trudged out to the workshop. Walking around, he ran his fingers over the tools lined up neatly, reliving the memory of their first Christmas when he came to the chisel from Jenny. He surveyed the nearly finished crib that sat on a table in the center of the room, just looking at it brought pain. The black and white picture pinned to the wall drew his eyes and Gibbs gently touched the barely there form of his baby.

"I love your mom," he whispered, "I love her with everything I have to give, from the depths of my soul. I don't know how things got so messed up again but I swear to you, I'm going to find a way to fix it." Gibbs closed his eyes. "I can't lose both of you." Words unspoken hung in the air, Not again.