Behold, my favourite chapter. I still get goosebumps when I read it.
There was so much I wanted to include in this chapter since it digs deep into Izaya's heart. This chapter is probably the turning point of the fic and I wanted it to be perfect. So enjoy the extra long, 8,326 words.

P.S. This chapter sounds the best when listening to DRRR!'s "Their Aspirations", "The Girl in the Drawing," "Bottled Angel", "Hohoemi no Kage", "Kyuujistu no Shifuku", "The Sought-after Extraordinary" and "The Girl in the Drawing" in the background. I've been listening to the OST nonstop and it's giving me such heavy feels for this series oml.

Izaya

"Ah, how petty."

I let my hand drop from the metal handle as I shut the door behind me with a resound click. I reached over to switch the light on, not quite sure what to expect. The room looked just as it had been left hours ago. It didn't seem like anything had been touched at all, since this morning. I still kept my senses on high alert, not putting it past him to randomly be hiding in the dark. I could only imagine him lurking in the shadows, ready to jump out and latch those monstrous paws around my throat in a vice grip at any moment. At this rate, I was sure I well deserved it.

I moved away from the door, still suspicious of any possible traps. I cleared the bathroom first, finding nothing out of the ordinary. The closet was next. I knew he wouldn't be able to fit in such tight quarters, but for the peace of mind, I checked anyway. Nothing but clothes, as expected.

I felt my shoulders slump a little at the vacancy.

"How petty…" I muttered again.

I made my way over to the bed at the far end of the spacious room; the one that hadn't been touched in days, the crisp sheets still neatly folded from its emptiness.

No, this is what I wanted…What I needed.

It was petty of me to even think that he would come back. To believe that he might actually have come here to recuperate from the blow I had given him in the locker room…

Hm, definitely shouldn't have worded it like that.

I smiled at my own dismal. The thought still stung.

I had hoped for one of two things. The first being that he had come back to the room, waiting for me to return, so he could actually attempt to kill me off this time. The second was that he had come back and packed his bags, leaving me altogether. That would be the final nail in the coffin.

I flopped back on the bed to stare blankly at the ceiling. Our conversation replayed in my head:

'I had to keep pretending to be the 'flea' you wanted me to be.'

'You molded me into the Izaya you wanted to see change.'

'That's enough.'

'I won't stop. Not now, not ever.'

'My work is never complete. Not until you either fall beneath me, or become the true monster you were meant to be.'

'It's a shame I got tired before I could see you crumble more than you are now.'

'You're lying!'

I felt a twitch at my lips. There was a tug at my cheek, the kind that cramped at the dimple. I aimlessly brought my fingers up to my mouth, just to be sure, but—

Ah, yes. Of course I was smiling. I always did in cases like these…

I was reminded of the time I was in primary school. I was the archetype of kid who would rip their band-aids off, wearing nothing but a smirk around the other students after returning from the nurse's office. When I fell down, I didn't cry, I got up. When I managed to get a deep papercut, I would smile at the fine line that looked promising enough to bleed, but never came. I would get eyed down for the abnormal behavior, but I was sure the adults knew that it was too soon to tell what type of student I would grow to be. Therefore, they left me alone for the most part, but I liked to keep them on their toes whenever I knew I was being monitored. These were some of the beginning stages of my transitioning into my second and third years.

School continued, and I found that I enjoyed spending a majority of my time isolated from the rest of the class. Even if there was a group assignment given, I would request to work on it as an individual project every time. Perhaps it was because of the impeccable grades I received, that after a while, all of my instructors knew to let me work by myself on essentially everything. It perceived to work best and no one questioned it. I also spent a majority of my free time reading, always carrying a new book with me each day. They probably figured I was the next kid genius or prodigy, and decided to let me do as I pleased.

The following years I was bullied. It started over the most imbecilic of things. The more thicker-skulled of my classmates were of course jealous of my pristine grades, attendance and unquestionably, my intelligence. Therefore, I honed these skills and used them to my advantage. I had learned to fight back with my own sharp tongue and clever, yet peculiar vocabulary for a boy at the mere age of nine years old.

However, as I grew, I vividly remembered how I was thrown against lockers and walls. I never let it stop me and certainly never backed down. Instead, I would challenge my persecutors likewise, by cracking up maniacally in their faces for such cliché behavior only seen in anime, as if that was the best they could really do. At that age, anyone who laughed in the face of violence was an obvious red flag and not to be messed with. Even the verbal abuse soon came to a halt when I learned I could talk my way out of just about any situation. I had gained the attention of many onlookers during these incidents, peers and staff alike, and by then, the administrators knew all too well that I were poles apart from the rest of the student body.

Despite the water that threatened the corners of my eyes at times in the beginning, I realized that it didn't matter how much the physical injury or verbal asperse stung; I needed to instill some kind of fear that I, Orihara Izaya, was not weak.

I took it upon myself to learn various arts of self defense. I studied the human body and learned about each and every fragile nerve and muscle as if I my life depended on it...Which in theory, it very well could. It didn't take long for my sponge-like brain to absorb all of the contents I read as I flipped through stacks upon stacks of books I collected from the library when I stayed after school. Memorizing wasn't the issue, though, that was the simple part. Putting my knowledge to the test would be the real challenge, mostly because of my petite size.

After a while had passed as I began practicing these different styles of combat, I found the right balance using my lithe proportions to my advantage. Soon enough, I came to learn that I was exceptionally quick on my feet and equally as perceptive; dodging was indeed, a strong point of mine, as well as my speed. It however, wasn't exactly the upper hand I needed to actually win the fight. So after briefing over my best choice in weapons, I took an interest in knife play, and that seemed to do the trick. The time came where I could finally consider myself a formidable opponent, both physically and intellectually.

As the seasons changed and the school years passed, it was only natural that I had become numb to nearly everything. Even up until my first day of middle school, I hadn't really felt much of anything. By that time, no one even bothered threatening me anymore. I had almost grown bored, day in and day out, of nothing noteworthy nor eventful. Days blurred into months of staring out a window aimlessly during my last year of elementary school.

Was it even normal to experience that type of boredom from everyday life at such a young age? It was a question I had asked myself more often than not in my younger years. For a while, I thought I might be depressed.

There came a turning point in my early life, when I recognized that I had become more or less desensitized to the normal fluctuations of human emotions. I found myself watching those around me go through their own various stages of growth throughout my school years. I watched as everyone went through changes I had already faced long ago. My brain was much further developed, which forced me to find comfort in my own mind, feeling unable to reach out to others. It hadn't been jealousy I was experiencing, but I thought that I would have already found myself by then.

So I observed them instead, and learned the things I could not do on my own. That was when my interest piqued in people watching. Because they could certainly feel, and that was captivating in itself.

After the typical bullying-to-show-dominance thing had ended halfway through my first term of middle school and everyone quieted down, I had more opportunities to further delve into my new hobby. It began with with noticing little things that made each individual in my classes different. Not standard things like hair or eye colour, but certain habits and traits unique to that student alone. I would pick favourites sometimes, if I got too carried away in my study.

I found myself smiling more. Even interacting like a normal child would. It was like a switch had flipped overnight. Things were starting to look up now, with my new, borderline obsession.

Slowly I began to crave the feeling of being surrounded by people beyond that of the average tendency. I viewed human observation the same way some enjoyed bird watching, to put it simply. At which point I attained something from what I presumed to be a purpose, that I envisioned myself dedicating my life to. I finally found the happiness I had been searching for.

That was, until the unlikely happened, and a certain someone interrupted my fantasies; harassing me into being vice president of some nonsensical club I didn't want any part of...However, in the end I decided to keep Shinra around. It wasn't like he was ever going to leave me alone again, anyway, so I figured I could make use of him. At the very least, he was smart enough to respect my own interests, seemingly amused himself. As much as I hated to admit it, he was one of the humans I enjoyed learning the most from. Though, I'd never tell him.

At any rate, as those days grew on, I started creating my own reputation, spending the next few years building myself up for high school. I wasn't a bad student, per se, but I wasn't a commendable role model either. It didn't matter one way or the other, because by that time, I had already decided there were no such things as 'good' or 'bad' people. I liked to think I lay somewhere in the middle, yet remaining above the rest.

Alas, my hard work had paid off handsomely when I entered the gates of Rajin High. Everyone either knew me or knew of my prestige. I had entered a domain where I was confident enough in my status to continue living my life as the same game with a different playing field, and above all else, with new, precious pawns. One I particularly dedicated every fiber of my being to, to make their life a living hell.

Everyone knew the rest that of that story though, that led us to this point.

It all started somewhere. I didn't forget the first few years of my schooling career I spent training myself to never be sought out as weak. For a grade schooler, I gave myself many hardships to overcome as quickly as possible to build myself as a character. Someone invincible in the eyes of others. And in their eyes, I did it with ease. I was admirable. That's what made the simple minded band-aid ripping and creepy smiling worth it.

Something must have stuck after all, to be here grinning at my own, self-ignited disarray in an otherwise empty hotel room.

Old habits die hard, I supposed.

In the back of my mind, I wished I could bury them six feet under at times like these. Moments that felt unsettling to smile at. Ideas that I should not, in any way, find delightful.

Finally, I frowned.

'I had to keep pretending to be the 'flea' you wanted me to be.'

'You molded me into the Izaya you wanted to see change.'

'That's enough.'

'I won't stop. Not now, not ever.'

'My work is never complete. Not until you either fall beneath me, or become the true monster you were meant to be.'

'It's a shame I got tired before I could see you crumble more than you are now.'

'You're lying!'

I ran my hands over my face and into my hair. The perpetual mantra of thoughts could not be silenced; every beat was another echo of cutting words, creating fresh wounds in my already fractured heart.

I knew I had been cruel, but I didn't regret it. I knew that once those strings of words seeped through my lips, there was no going back. Those were my intentions. They were no laughing matter.

As I recalled my school life once again, I remembered that I had severed ties with many people in the past. People who were little nothings. Humans that I manipulated in the game of life, pitting each of them against one another on my own accord of amusement. No matter the outcome, I'd still walk away without batting an eye.

Yes, they were entertaining. Yes, it was fun while it lasted. But evidently, all good things ultimately wind up coming to an end, and I shortly discovered that that end, was indeed boredom.

So that's what I decided to tell him. That's what I figured would hurt the most, and it looked like it had, by his reaction. He believed it, so what did it matter if those words had any ounce of truth to them? Soon enough, things would go back to the way they were. The way things were supposed to be. Our game of cat and mouse would return from its long awaited hiatus, and all else would be forgotten. It would be simple; only black and white would return, because the grey meant nothing to begin with.

As much as I told myself these things, something still ate at the back of my mind. If this was what I wanted in the end, why did things seem even more cloudy now? I was certain that this was the only plausible option remaining; that this was the answer I needed to clear the barrier of fog obstructing my perception. The only rational conclusion that would clip the ambience of uneasiness I had been feeling as of lately, away. Unfamiliar titillation that left me both on cloud nine, but gave dire awareness to my state of vulnerability. I felt stripped from my strengths I no longer recognized. After this, I'd have to build myself up higher, exceeding the level of security on my emotions. It would be a taller mountain to climb now, having tasted my own dose of what it felt like to be…

Was this the sense of humanity I had been missing before?

No, I told myself. It wasn't. I was better than that. I wasn't like them. I didn't want this.

Don't get me wrong, I embraced the abstract idea humanity and anyone who practiced it. One of the fundamental reasons I found humans to be so charming was because of their ability to easily confide their weaknesses in one another.

But when, I asked myself, had I so blindingly allowed these various, substandard emotions to swallow me whole? The past two weeks were a blur of escalating events. Each day, becoming more of a challenge as I stepped deeper into unknown waters. I may live for the many thrills life had to offer, but even I knew not to let myself be washed away by such impending temptations.

And yet...

I wish I had never known what it felt like...to be in love…

I rolled over onto my side to lay in fetal position, bringing my knees up to my chest.

The thought had been on my mind for some time now. That was what all of the evidence pointed to, anyway: Love.

I had studied it for a while in my years of observation. I believed it to be something of a cycle. It was simple; give followed by receive. The only deductive reasoning to be made, was simply benefitting from the counterpart. It was all for personal gain, was it not? Whether it was for the sex or the money, there was always something to attain. The idea of investing oneself into something deemed so serious for any other intangible pleasure hadn't seemed likely. Humans were selfish, selfish beings, after all.

Now I wasn't so sure if that's what I still thought. I had read books and poems, seen movies, heard of other stories regarding 'love', believing those were just myths of a forsaken ideal. Things like acceptance and nurturing, from genuine hospitality, was something made up in a fairytale. A universal objective that made one sleep better at night. It was something nearly everyone wished for, but impossible to obtain. I viewed it on the same token as the existence of a deity or a god. The thought was there purely for comfort and nothing else. Much like love was.

But then before, why had I felt as if those characterizations of such an ornate concept could be reached out to and touched?

I couldn't believe I had come to the conclusion, but how I felt fit perfectly into the philosophy called 'love'.

In the end, that was what I decided to call it.

I had fallen hard, too. Too hard, in fact, that I had let myself get swept entirely off my feet...And by him?

I covered my face at the sheer embarrassment of it.

Damn you, stupid Shizu-chan...

It was a good thing I did what I had. I still had time to climb back up and start over. I could recover from this. His hatred for me would start to boil again, and then—

And then...

A sinking feeling found its way into the pit of my stomach. An ominous thought washed over me, and my heart stopped beating for a moment.

What if these disgusting feelings...wouldn't subside?

I would be hated like I was all over again, and there was a sick, twisted possibility that it would be unrequited.

Before, the detestation was just there because that's just how it was. Now...Now there would be a reason for it. An awfully valid one at that.

I may have had some kind of grotesque attraction to him all along, but I thought surely after this, I could train myself to accept his malevolence; reciprocate it, even.

Panic was starting to set in that I had bet on the wrong outcome. I thought I had calculated everything.

I went so far as to narrow down all the possibilities of his various, unpredictable reactions. At least I would be able to build from those.

What I hadn't counted on was my own discern for the result of the situation. I hadn't added those unforeseeable odds into the equation, thinking that was just the logical thing to do.

I sat up straight, breathing heavily. My hand clutched the fabric over my chest and my head felt like it was spinning on its own axis. I needed to calm myself somehow. Collect myself.

In the corner of my eye, the window caught my attention. The last few moments of the brilliant sun was setting, reminding me with each passing day how it looked like it belonged on the front cover of a travel magazine. I would never be able to forget how the coral tones danced over the alabaster mountainsides that seemed endless. The bright blanket of snow shifted hues from orange, to red, to near-sudden darkness. By then, the sun had moved to greet the other side of the earth. With the light source gone, the outside remained magnificent even in its darkest hours.

If only we could all embody beauty in polar opposite conditions.

I felt my phone vibrate and my heart jolted to a halt. I could feel my nerves tightening as I reached for my device in uncertainty.

I managed to let out a sigh of relief when I saw the message was from Shinra.

Four Eyes : [ I know you're bored in there, Izaya. ]

An unamused expression made its way across my features. Just what was that supposed to mean?

My phone lit up again.

Four Eyes : [ It's just me over here, don't worry :) ]

I rolled my eyes. Could he seriously be any more of a creep?

Even so, I decided almost instantly that I would go next door, solely for the purpose from further allowing myself to be alone with these recently brewing thoughts. Not for actually wanting to be in Shinra's company, of course.

I brought my laptop bag with me anyway, as I crossed the hall, tucking the spare room key in my pocket. I didn't even have to knock before my long-time acquaintance gleefully opened up with a smile.

"What took you so long? I thought I may have missed you leave when I blinked or something."

"You were watching me through the peephole were you?" I eyed the door, then Shinra, apathetically, letting myself in. "Why am I not surprised,"

He closed it gently behind me. "Make yourself comfortable, I'll get some tea ready. Do you prefer green or black?"

I looked around the room, still wary, but it really did seem like it was just Shinra here.

"Black is fine."

I made my way over to the couch, finding an outlet to plug my PC into to charge. I caught a whiff of something as I walked past the small kitchen.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Shinra looked up from the miniature stove where he was boiling water for tea and one other pot full of whatever aroma was filling the room.

"Huh? I'm making tea like I said?" He obliviously replied, pushing up his glasses.

I ran a hand over my face in annoyance. "No, I mean that." I walked over and pointed to the metallic pot that was boiling some kind of brown liquid with other mixed chunks of meat, vegetables and noodles.

"Oh, that! Well I decided since there was a kitchen, why not put it to use?"

"It looks like some sad excuse for makeshift ramen."

He chuckled. "It's not that sad. I was able to find some ingredients downstairs in the cafeteria area when I was coming back from the pool. It caught my eye this morning...Still, I'm not usually the cook back home. Usually my beautiful roommate and future wife, Celty, is the one who does the cooking for me. She feeds me so well and makes sure I get all of my nutrients," he sighed lovingly. "Say, I wonder if I tried resisting eating my vegetables, do you think she would feed me herself? Even if it was force feeding, I wouldn't min—"

"Shinra, as disgusting as that is, and as much a I don't care, I doubt she would bother," I said flatly, interrupting him and stopping the mental image right then and there.

"Haha, you're right. I would never turn down anything she made for me. I know that she makes all of her dishes with love anyway, that's why they are all so delicious~. Even if she doesn't have a head or mouth to taste what she makes, you would never be able to tell from her wonderful culinary skills!"

I smirked sourly, "maybe she's waiting for the opportune moment to poison you when you're least expecting it."

Not that I thought it would, but it didn't phase him when he simply smiled back. "As long as she's the one to make my last meal, it really wouldn't ma—"

"Your water is boiling now," I said as I turned on my heel back to the couch.

Laying down and making myself comfortable like he insisted, I started up my laptop. He didn't seem to mind, and he was remarkably silent after that. Fifteen or so minutes had passed, and he said nothing as he finished preparing the tea. He brought me my cup, gently placing the steaming china on the coffee table next to me. I didn't bother looking up as I thanked him, but I did notice that he sat down where my feet were resting halfway across the sofa.

"I wonder what she's doing back home," he said in a much gentler voice.

I gazed above my laptop to see him staring down at his tea wearing a soft smile.

Shrugging my shoulders I answered the rhetorical question anyway. "Probably celebrating or enjoying the peace and quiet."

He ignored my suggestion entirely. "Maybe she's busy with work or cleaning up the place. She watches TV a lot, so she could be catching up on the shows she recorded. Since my dad is never home, she doesn't have to worry about him trying to dissect her again," he laughed inwardly.

There was a pause in between his next question.

"What is your family doing while you're away?"

I met his gaze holding it for a breath before casting my vision downward once again. "They're probably celebrating as well."

Shinra outwardly chuckled this time.

"Ah, I forgot how dysfunctional your family is too. I'm sure they miss you though, even if you are a nefarious sociopath with no sense of morals and have a repulsive personality."

He was smiling thoughtfully as he recited the insults. I returned a smirk.

"If you keep saying such hateful things to me, Shinra, you might end up hurting my feelings or something~."

I had known the bespectacled boy almost half my life. It was sort of an ongoing joke of abusive banter that had carried its way through our twisted friendship since middle school. Neither of us really got offended, per se, we were just brutally honest in the most incivility of ways. Some people just didn't understand that.

"Ne, Izaya…"

There was another pause as I watched Shinra find the words he was looking for.

"A long time ago…Do you remember when we used to spend the afternoons at our biology club in middle school?"

My brow quirked in interest at the memory.

"You mean where we would waste hours of our lives staying after school doing anything but studying biology?" I smirked.

He seemed to find the recollection amusing as well.

"It was just the two of us, after all, what was to be expected?" I said, finally shutting the monitor of my laptop to give him my full attention. I rested my head atop my propped hand as I lounged back on the sofa. "How could I forget such good times?"

Shinra, now looking more delighted and less forlorn smiled happily back at me. "I think about those days more and more often now...Since our final school year is coming to a close and all."

I found it odd for him to bring up something relatively serious without purpose, so I let him continue.

"Do you remember that one day we stayed in school during our summer vacation and you talked about watching my corpse rot and said you would exhibit it during the school's Cultural Festival?"

"Reminiscing are we? Are you asking me to put you on display once Celty poisons you?" I chuckled.

"Not like that," he waved, smiling nonetheless. "Do you remember what we talked about that day?"

"Hmm…" I brought a hand up to my chin to think. As far as I recalled, we spent most of our time skipping class and watering plants. Trying to recollect a specific conversation out of the many wasn't likely. "You'll have to give me a hint. Sorry, Shinra, but I was so busy fulfilling the many duties as Vice President, I seem to have forgotten the one time you planned on quizzing me seven years later."

His tone wasn't as light-hearted as I thought I'd be. "I asked you, that if it was normal to love humans, but abnormal to love anything else, where do we draw the line?"

"Ah, your confession about loving an unrotting zombie. I suppose you were referring to Celty, back then, weren't you?"

He nodded. "Remember what your answer was?"

My expression changed to more of a disinterested one. "Obviously, my answer from then doesn't matter anymore. Things have changed," I replied flatly.

"So you do remember then?" he exclaimed, leaning in to catch my visage.

I, in turn, leaned away. "I never said that I did. How am I supposed to keep track of every little detail of our past conversations, hm? Do you expect me to just file them away until you want to play twenty questions with me?"

"Then let me refresh your memory," he cleared his throat before sitting up straighter, closing his eyes. "'I don't think it matters then, what kind of person you fall in love with, as long as you don't hurt others'."

I could feel my teeth grind as he recited my answer from long ago word for word. He opened his eyes and looked down at me expectantly.

"So now you're the one filing quotes of mine away? Make sure you cite me if you decide to use that advice on anyone else."

"I remember it because it really stuck with me all these years. You were the first person I asked about my abnormal love, and you answered it honestly to the best capability of your understanding. It was probably the most truthful thing you've said to me during the entire span of our friendship," he chuckled.

I crossed my arms over my chest, unaware as to why I suddenly felt defensive.

"So now you're being sentimental?"

He shook his head. "Nah. I just think about it from time to time. It's kind of refreshing advice, isn't it? To feel like I'm not being completely judged."

I turned to him, my tone more serious. "What are you getting at?"

He shrugged, thumbing the lip of his teacup in his hands. "I don't think I'm the only one it applies to, is all, really."

I felt my body tense but I tried not to let it show. This was just another reminder of how much of a snake Shinra could be.

"Don't tell me you're actually using my own advice against me?" I scoffed to cover the way my voice threatened to shake.

Suddenly the brunette stood up, giving me one last thoughtful smile before walking over to the stove. I eyed him carefully.

"It's not up to me to decide what you choose to do." His shoulders relaxed from behind as he stirred his boiling dinner. "I've known you for so long, even I know what little impact I have on your decisions. You've always done what you wanted to, anyway."

"But of course," I grinned ruefully. "I can't have those around me holding me back, now can I?"

"It's probably not my place to say this, but…" his voice trailed into thought. "Hmm...I just think that it's about time you stop hurting yourself over love," he finished bluntly.

I was thankful his back was to me, missing the way my eyes widened like saucers and colour drained from my face.

"S-Shinra," I feigned a chuckle. "You can't be serious?"

This time when he turned around, I could see the determination in his resolved stare. He crossed his arms, spoon in one hand, looking as if he were about to scold me.

"For someone as intelligent as you are, you certainly do the stupidest things."

The seriousness in his voice took me aback. "I beg your pardon?" I scoffed, raising an eyebrow.

"You know what I'm talking about. I've known the both of you for a fair portion of my life, Izaya. You can't really hide these things from me." He pinched the bridge of his nose, causing his glasses to sit eskew. "It's been years and you still plan on keeping this up?" His eyes looked like they were pleading for an answer.

All I could do was sit silently and watch my long time friend finally crack.

"You may not act like it, but you're nearly an adult. Can't you just accept that you have feelings for Shizuo, already?" He threw his hands exasperatedly in front of him as if to further convey the statement.

A cold tremor ran down my spine and I felt each individual blood cell freeze. It was as if time itself had stopped at the weight of his words. The moment had finally come, where I was being faced with the definitive question I had been running away from since I could remember. Hearing the challenge echo aloud the quiet room was bone-chilling. I had only ever imagined asking myself the proposition, each time smothering my emotions and denying the whole thing altogether. I supposed it could only go on for so long, though.

Neither of us said anything for a while, our gazes candidly watching the other. I knew my eyes were still wide in surprise at his accusation by the way his body language softened after a period of unsettling silence.

"I mean, come on…" he sighed, tender-heartedly this time. "As your friend, I just want you to be happy."

My grip loosened at my sides as I subconsciously relaxed into the couch at the now soothing tone of his voice. I turned away to break the eye contact we had been unnecessarily holding when we both knew neither was going to speak first. My lips pinched into an indifferent line as my ambient gaze fell on nothingness across the room. I didn't trust myself to say anything until my rapidly palpitating heart had eased some and I had collected my thoughts.

The bespectacled male seemed to understand nonetheless and returned back to preparing his meal.

Some friend you are…

I had to give Shinra some credit, though. He was far more observant than what lay above the surface. Sometimes it was rather frightening how much he did know, and I wouldn't deny that most times he hit the nail right on the head. It bugged me how easily he could practically figure things out before the situation had even occurred. That took remarkable skill in itself.

When the brunette had first introduced himself, I merely waved it off as some loser trying to gain popularity. To my surprise, I had been far from the truth. He was intelligent, cunning, twisted, and a downright sadistic individual...Yet, the closest person I could rely on as a best friend. No matter what kind of chaos came with associating with me, he didn't seem to be all that affected by it. He was accepting; probably the most accepting person I'd ever meet, and that deserved the right credibility.

As I pondered our friendship more, I accepted that yes, Shinra did in fact, know me better than anyone else out of our friends' circle. I also knew it to be true that he was one of the very few, if not the only person whom I've entrusted any sort of personal secret or information with. That being said, I had purposefully allowed him to know such things about myself because of our unusual bond. He was there when I needed him to be, and he was honest, whether or not I asked for an opinion.

I had to believe he did only wish the best for me, otherwise he wouldn't be bluntly accusing me of such taboo assumptions that never managed to surface in our long-term relationship to begin with. Maybe he always presumed that that knowledge was prohibited from conversation. Or perhaps, he simply had the intellect to know he'd never get a direct answer out of me.

Yet here I was, finally under the spotlight of interrogation he'd kept bottled up to himself for years.

I sighed audibly.

"Shinra, you know I can't just accept it. You should realize that more than anyone else."

He stopped stirring for no more than a second when I finally responded. I didn't wait for a reply, I just kept speaking my mind — something that I really should never do.

"Part of me has, and part of me hasn't yet. I'll admit…"

I had to steady my breathing before the words finally, once and for all, left my lips. "I admit that I feel strongly towards Shizuo, and that I probably always have...I just haven't settled on which feeling it truly is."

I could feel Shinra grinning from across the room, but he fabricated an even tone. "Well, are there any feelings in particular you may have narrowed it down to?"

…

...

"...Unfortunately."

He gave in and chuckled. "Seriously, Izaya, you're so egotistical." He turned towards the bar at the counter and set two full bowls of his creation down. "Let's eat."

I gathered myself enough to move lethargically over towards the kitchen, sitting down in front of what I guessed was going to be my steaming dinner.

"Thank you for the food."

The soup he had prepared wasn't terrible, but I could tell it definitely wasn't a skill he practiced often. My stomach didn't seem to care either way, since I hadn't realized how hungry I was until I was halfway to the bottom.

"There's really nothing to be ashamed of, you know. It's kind of a normal thing, to be in love."

The brunette sat back in his chair across the counter, crossing his arms and looking at me expectantly.

I lowered my spoon before challenging him back.

"Well, not all of us can flaunt our feelings willy-nilly like you do. You're actually a prime example of the last thing I'd want to become."

He smiled his carefree smile back at me. "Funny for you to say that, since you've actually made more progress in your bizarre romance than I have."

I froze noticeably so, and felt my body start to heat up.

"What is that supposed to mean, exactly?" I dared ask.

His smile switched into his other shit-eating grin that I was also familiar with.

"Oh, you know exactly what I mean."

My grip tightened on my silverware and my eyes narrowed.

The devil himself leaned in, eyes gleaming perversely. His voice lowered as he spoke. "How does it feel, Izaya, to finally have found a challenge you'll never be able to top?"

If I had a tenth of the brute's strength, my spoon would have snapped in half instantly. Instead, much less intimidatingly, I felt all the blood in my body rush to my face and my teeth grind together at the pun.

The brunette threw his head back cackling to the point where he was nearly wiping tears away.

I closed my eyes, stemming all of my anger into a comeback. "Well, Shinra, if you really insist on knowing, I can fill you in on all the juicy details," I said through a clenched jaw.

"Oh no, no, that's okay," he said waving his hands between us, his laughter finally subsiding. "I don't really have an interest in my best friends' sex lives."

I couldn't help but facepalm. What had I seriously just done?

"Although," he smirked, "at least now I'm sure it wasn't just the alcohol influencing you two."

"What?" I raised my eyebrow skeptically.

"Yeah, when you left we were actually kind of worried," he remembered, suddenly more serious. "We thought for sure this would stir up some, ehem, issues…"

"Issues?" I repeated, seemingly unamused.

"Well, you never know," he shrugged. "Liquor makes you do stuff you might regret later. But it seems like things are fine, so that's a headache and jail time saved, at least."

You don't even know regret.

"You just assume things are fine?"

He looked back at me confused. "I mean...obviously? You didn't kill each other today, and you acted relatively civil. Not to mention you two getting pretty cozy in the shower together earlier, " he added, grinning again.

Just when I thought the worst was over, my face flushed immediately again, only this time I had to keep my composure and not let the mortification show.

"Shinra." I spoke calmly. "Tell me you didn't—"

"Oh, I did."

I pinched the bridge of my nose at the awkwardness that this conversation had led to. Not that the other seemed to mind.

"I'm not even going to ask WHY you were looking in the first place, you pervert — but for arguments sake, it's not like we were even doing anything!" I exclaimed in defense.

"Really? Because from what I saw, you were both nake—"

"Okay! That's enough! Just...Erase that mental image from your brain forever, thank you." I retorted, completely out of my normal character. I slumped in my chair.

The person who I claimed to be my best friend, just saw Shizuo and I...naked. In a shower. Together. Not to mention, in public.

Great. Now he's going to start assuming I have some abhorrent fetishes...

He snickered to himself again. I knew he had never seen me in such a state before, so he was trying to enjoy every second of it. I should have known this was coming.

"What's this? You feel remorse and embarrassment? That's like two new character features unlocked, and to think it'd be all in the same day!"

"Shut up, Shinra."

"Okay, I'm done."

We finished our meals in silence, but would occasionally meet the other's gaze.

Some best friend you are, bastard.

There was a knock on the door when we were busy cleaning up, but no one needed to answer it when Kadota let himself in with his key. Behind him, followed Erika, Yumasaki and Togusa carrying plastic bags.

"You're back!" The bespectacled man next to me chirped.

"Yo."

"Ehh? Izaya is here with you?" a feminine voice rang beside him.

"The one and only," I chimed, feigning an award-winning smile. I'd have to push aside the dinner conversation for now and act like nothing happened.

"We wondered where you went," Kadota said, putting a grocery bag down. In it were candies and other assorted snacks. "We were thinking of having a movie night."

Next to him, Yumasaki clapped his hands together. "I picked up a couple of DVD's from Animate before we left town." He continued to ramble excitedly on about his purchases but no one, aside from Erika who was nodding intently beside him, listened.

"Where's Shizuo? Is he not with you?" the man next to me inquired.

My stomach flipped at the abruptness of his name. I felt a sudden panic within me, thinking I might see him so soon after sharing such a sensitive topic with Shinra.

"Oh, Shizuo? Well, he went out to dinner…" Erika replied, but something felt off in her response.

"To dinner? You mean by himself?" the brunette asked quizzically.

"You don't know? I thought he would have said something to you..."

The girl was looking at me with the same confusion we were feeling.

"We saw him and my roommate walking together. They said they were going to go eat."

I felt the feeling of sinking dread wash over me.

"Something about him being dehydrated or whatever," Togusa added, but it fell on deaf ears.

My mind was stuck on rewind that Shizuo was out with someone else. A woman nonetheless.

I felt like I might throw up. My knees were weak and I had to grab onto the counter for balance. My eyes couldn't focus on the floor beneath me and started seeing double.

"You okay, man?"

I was startled by a hand on my shoulder and the low of Dotachin's voice.

"I'm—"

Shinra met my gaze when I looked back up and I could see the concern in his eyes. What made things worse was that it wasn't just me thinking it.

"Are you sure they were going to dinner? Did they say where?" he asked, turning back to her again.

The brunette girl shrugged, "they didn't say. My roommate just kind of grabbed his hand and they started walking towards the cafe area."

I definitely thought I was going to hurl now. Between the chest pains, dizziness and nausea, I felt like I would collapse at any second.

"Izaya, you don't look so good," Kadota insisted.

If I didn't act now, someone might catch on to my sudden change in character.

I swallowed dryly before I spoke.

"I think...Shinra tried to poison me."

"Eh?!" I heard him swear on the other side of the kitchen.

"That ramen you made—" I clenched my fist, forcing myself to speak, "was disgusting."

"Ehh?! But I thought you liked it?" he said, and sounded forlorn.

Take a hint, moron.

"No. It was gross. I think I need medicine." I hissed through my teeth.

That seemed to do the trick, and the lightbulb finally went off.

"O-Oh, yeah, I think I have something for nausea in my medical bag. It's in the bathroom." He took my hand and marched me there, closing the door.

He turned to face me with a mixed expression. "What's going on?" he demanded.

"How the hell should I know?!" I snapped in a whisper.

He thought carefully before he decided on what to ask next. "Did something happen after I left the locker room?"

"Ugh, that again?"

"Well, did it?" he insisted.

"Yes, yes," I said looking away, and bringing my hands up to my temples. The oncoming migraine was rapidly approaching. "I basically told him to fuck off—"

"Izaya! That's not how you treat your significant other!"

Taken aback, I looked at him feeling insulted.

"Shinra, first of all, we aren't an item. Secondly, he told me he didn't see me any differently!"

We were whispering angrily back at each other.

"Huh?"

"He told me that he sees me the same as he did before we even arrived at this fucking resort. 'The same flea' as always," I mocked in my annoying Shizu-chan voice.

"Izaya, I don't think that's what he meant," he tsked.

"No, he made it clear to me by apologizing...Besides," I croaked, "you know it was all one sided anyway." My voice cracked at the truth of the statement. I hadn't realized how much it would hurt to hear the words aloud.

My friend put his hands on my shoulders to steady me as he looked me in the eye. His grey orbs held sternness to them, begging me not to give up.

"Listen to me. I've known you both long enough to tell that it wasn't one sided. Trust me." He said the words with such certainty, but I couldn't believe them.

I shook my head. "If that's the case, why is he seeing other people now? Because he's been laid once, does he all the sudden have the confidence to find another person to—"

I couldn't bare to finish the sentence.

Shinra lowered his head with a sigh. "Let's not jump to any conclusions. Like I said, for someone so smart, you can be really dumb. Give Shizuo more credit, you know he isn't like that." He met my cold, distant gaze once again. "You know he's not, Izaya. You always make fun of him for being 'loyal like a dog' anyway, don't you? That didn't just change overnight...If I had to bet, he's probably talking to someone else about how much of an asshole you are for throwing him to the curb again."

His words surprised me. I hadn't thought of that. However, as I weighed the possibilities, there was another red flag that came up.

"Nonetheless, he could have been with a guy and decided he didn't like it, so now he's solely interested in women," I stated, trying not to sound as hurt as I was.

"Well," the brunette paused and straightened. "I won't say that it's not a possibility, but don't let your mind make that decision. Ask him yourself before you do anything rash."

I could slowly feel my shock and sadness transitioning to anger. Anger I hadn't known existed within me before.

"I'm leaving," I stated.

"Wait, what?"

"I'm going to look for him then," I growled, shrugging his comforting hand away.

"I don't think that's a good idea—"

"You said it yourself earlier; you don't really have an influence on the decisions I make. I always do what I want in the end."

His darkened eyes narrowed this time. "Well, for once maybe you should listen to me."

"I'm not just going to sit around and do nothing!" I tried walking past him but he stopped me.

"Izaya, I don't want you…" his voice trailed off, finding the words. "Seeing something you shouldn't."

The suffocating feeling returned again and a chill ran through my body. The air felt like it had been knocked from my lungs as I thought of the hundreds of possibilities of what I might see tonight.

I waited for him to say something else. I waited for that reassurance to come again, but it never did.

I pulled myself away from his hold and opened the door. "See you later, Shinra."

Not bothering to acknowledge the other guests in the room, I headed straight out of the hotel room into the hallway. I walked slowly at first, letting the motion carry me as the mantra repeated in my head.

"I don't want you seeing something you shouldn't."

Suddenly there were trails of dampness running down my cheeks. I irritably wiped away the wetness with my sleeve, breaking into a run.

Dammit, I won't lose you this time.