His eyes fluttered open when he felt the body shift beneath him. He looked down and smiled at the peaceful face of his lover and he smiled. It hadn't been a dream after all. Part of him wanted to wake the sleeping figure, to see those crystal blue eyes gazing at him with so much love and affection. But on the other hand he enjoyed watching him sleep. There was something very peaceful about resting his head against Noah's chest listening to his strong heartbeat. It always gave him a sense of peace.
He kissed him softly on his lips before moving to stand. He watched his lover shift on the couch but he didn't wake up. He wondered if his boyfriend felt the sudden loss of warmth. He wrapped his arms around himself and went to find a blanket to cover him with. He found a robe for himself and took his journal from its hiding place and settled back on the couch once again watching the rise and fall of his boyfriend's chest. Dark hair framed his forehead, and he reached out to brush it back. He thought his boyfriend was beautiful, and he could hardly believe that he was truly his.
The memories of what they shared filled him with a warmth he couldn't begin to describe. He was going to attempt it now that he was awake. He opened his journal to an empty page and a smile crossed his lips as he began to write.
June 2, 2008
I feel so empowered right now, and I think the reason why is sleeping right beside me at this moment. I am sure anyone who reads this will think I am being a little overdramatic but it's the truth, and I think I have the right to feel this way. I have just experience the ultimate expression of love and I have to tell you that it was exciting and frightening all at the same time. That being said however, I feel like making love with Noah was the best decision I have ever made.
And that's just it, the fact that it was my decision. It was my choice and Noah allowed me to be in control of it. He guided me when I asked him to, but for the most part I was in charge. Being with him in that way was exquisite, and even that word doesn't seem to describe it properly. It wasn't so much the penetration either. That was great but what I'm talking about is the overall feeling I have about the entire experience.
At Echo Lake we were discouraged from admiring ourselves and checking out our fellow campers. Our bodies were meant to be covered up and hidden, only to be shared with a female counterpart. We were taught that anal penetration was painful, wrong, and to be feared. Our bodies were ravaged weekly just to drive that lesson home, and it never made sense to me why it was okay for the counselors to misuse us in that way. It was horrible; they used the very methods that were wrong to torture us. They called them scare tactics, but to me if you teach someone that sex hurts…then it doesn't matter if they are with women or men, they are going to fear it.
What I have learned though is that there is nothing wrong with fearing the unknown. Fear doesn't' have to be a bad thing. IT doesn't have to define you. It's just the feeling you feel before you try something new. If you didn't have just a little bit of fear then you appear to be invincible. I have learned that no one can claim that title. I mean don't get me wrong, I have my heroes; my dad is the best man I know and Noah…Noah is incredible. The thing that endears me to these two men the most is that they are not afraid to tell me they're scared.
Noah was just as afraid as I was last night, and I knew it. IF there was any doubt about his love for me, I think he proved it last night when he trusted me. Noah gave himself over completely to me, going against everything he was taught to believe. I feel that if Noah can do it, than I can do it…but it will take some time for me to get there. Of course I just veered off topic just a bit, but my point is that Noah doesn't hide his fear from me. And neither does my dad, even though he tries harder because his first instinct is to protect me. We were always pretty close though, and I am glad we are getting that part of our relationship back on track. I missed him.
I think in the end fear makes us human. It's another one of those emotions that we can have control over. At the same time it can be as volatile as anger if we're not careful. It only has as much power as you give it, and I have learned that giving in to it means that the person or thing you fear wins, and that's just not the way to live. If we live in fear we aren't really living at all, and that is what I think I hae learned most from this past year. I credit Noah for helping me to realize that.
I have to give Noah credit for a lot of things, but I know he would tell me that I shouldn't sell myself so short. I can admit that I have come a long way from the guy who showed up at my parents' home last July. I cannot get over the fact that it's been almost a year since Echo Lake. I feel like I've been out of that place for a very long time but really I haven't. It's all very strange to me, even though I feel more like myself than ever. I believe I am happier then I was even before I went to Echo Lake. And that's not saying that going to that camp was good for me. It wasn't. But I think being with Noah this past year has worked wonders and I am completely ready to embrace my true self.
And more importantly I know what unconditional love is now. I get the concept. It makes complete and total sense to me. It really does have no boundaries and I think that is the best thing of all.
He felt Noah's presence even before the arms wrapped around his waist and he smiled and leaned back into the embrace. "Good morning," he said shyly as Noah kissed his knick before resting his chin on his shoulder.
"Any morning waking up with you is a good morning."
"Oh then every morning is good," Luke laughed. He didn't even blink an eye when Noah took the pen out of his hand and took possession of the journal.
He held it up and smiled. "May I?" he asked, in the sweetest gentlest way. Luke nodded, and then watched as Noah scanned the words, a smile playing on those perfect lips as he twirled the pen in his hand. Luke was taken aback but not offended when Noah started writing beneath where Luke had stopped.
Yesterday is a day I will remember fondly for the rest of my life. Not only did I overcome a fear that has plagued me for many years, I got to do it with this man, Luke Snyder. Luke made me the happiest man on the face of the earth and I love him more than anything. Right now he is smiling at me as I hijack his journal and I bet I can guess what he's thinking. There is something magical about being with the one you love. I don't think it can be put into words, and the only word I can think of to describe it is bliss, pure and unadulterated. Luke isn't the only one who has come along way in the past year…but I need him to know that I am proud of him.
Luke had tears in his eyes when Noah looked up from the paper, and he smiled as he took the pen and the book back and placed them on the table. He cupped Noah's face in his hands and kissed him softly, hungrily, his body responding immediately to the passion flowing between them. Noah let out a moan as his back hit the couch and for just a little while they got lost in each other again.
June 2, 2008
I'm writing this while Luke is taking a shower, so I don't have a lot of time. I think today has to be single-handedly the best day of my life. I know that sounds cliché and like something one would say in a movie, but I'm serious. I feel really good about myself, about love and about life in general today. I am secure in the decisions I have been making and I have someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. It may be too presumptuous to think of Luke as my life partner, but that's what I want. I won't tell him that just yet though. I think he has made a lot of progress but I don't want to push things too far before he's ready for it.
Yesterday was a really big step for both of us. More so him then me, but what I loved about last night, even more so then the lovemaking, was the gentleness and the care Luke showed as he explored my body. He was very careful, very fluid in his motions and I felt safe in his hands. I was content, and the fact that he was so tender is why I was able to give over my trust to him. There has never been a doubt that I would trust Luke with my life, but yesterday I trusted him with everything and relinquishing power is definitely not something I can do easily. Luke is just stubborn enough to get me to do what he wants though, and I think he knows it.
Just thinking about Luke makes me smile. We shared something pretty incredible last night…and this morning as well. I don't think this will be a day I will soon forget.
"Hey" he exclaimed when the pen was swiped out of his hand. He turned to see his boyfriend grinning at him, all the while waving the pen above his head. Noah was barely out of his seat before Luke dashed off running in his bare feet across the kitchen. Noah ran after him his long legs giving him the advantage. He was just about to grab Luke's shirt when the shorter boy slipped away and headed for the living room. "Luke you're crazy," he laughed as he followed after him. "Luke?" he said when he couldn't spot him anywhere in the living room. "Where did you go?"
He checked the bedroom , but there was no sign of him in there. He looked in the closet even though he was certain Luke wouldn't hide in a dark place, and he even checked the kitchen again just in case Luke had possibly snuck past him. "Luke" he called again growing concerned when he couldn't find him anywhere. "Where did you go?"
Luke was hiding in the foyer, the one place Noah hadn't thought to look. He snuck back into the living room and settled down on the couch . HE placed the pen on the table and started flipping chanells as he waited for Noah to come into the living room.
"Luke where are…there you are," Noah said entering the living room with his hands on his hips. "Where did you go? I've been looking all over for you."
Luke grinned as he kept his eyes focused on the TV pretending to be interested in the western he had turned to. "I've been sitting here waiting for you," he said innocently."
"Right," Noah chuckled. He came over to the couch and settled down next to his boyfriend, his hand immediately going up to ruffle Luke's damp hair. "I love you, you jerk."
Luke turned and beamed at him, his tongue flicking out briefly like a frog catching a fly. Noah laughed at him and shoved him playfully causing Luke to drop the remote he held in his hand. "Stop," Luke laughed before turning serious as he picked up the remote and placed it on the table. He leaned forward and kissed Noah softly on the nose. "I love you too. Dork."
Noah just smiled and shook his head. He wasn't sure what to say. It was amazing to him to see just how much their conversations had changed over the past ten months. He couldn't have imagined being this carefree and open with the Luke he had met back then.
"Isn't it crazy?" Luke asked catching Noah's attention. "Just how much has changed over the past ten months?"
"I was just thinking bout that," Noah admitted a smile creeping across his lips. He just couldn't stop grinning. "I don't think I would have ever guessed how much things would change. I mean, I knew you were not sick like they made you were but-"
"I was different," Luke finished his thought and nodded. "I was closed off and so unsure of everything."
"And you were hesitant," Noah reminded him. "I'm surprised you even wanted anything to do with me."
"Well, you were the one person who seemed genuine to me," Luke explained as he moved to run his hand through his hair which promptly fell in his face. "I was hurt and angry and I felt so betrayed by my Parents and by Damian."
"It's funny how we now know everything wasn't as black and white as we thought it was," Noah mused. "I mean there are so many tangles, so many twists and turns…it's a wonder we were able to figure half of this stuff out."
"You figured it out. I was just confused and messed up. I could barely tie my own shoes let alone figure out that something wasn't right about Damian's story versus my Dad's and my mom's. "I don't know what I would have done without you, Noah. You talk about me putting up with you…how did you manage to put up with me? I'm a handful when I am fully aware of my faculties. I can only imagine how bad I was when I came home.
"You give yourself way too little credit, my love." Noah reached out a hand and touched Luke's cheek, allowing his thumb to caress it softly. "There was a time when a touch like this would have scared you. And things would not have ended well if I had called you a jerk ten months ago."
"That would have gravely offended me," Luke sighed as he thought back to those months after his return from Echo Lake. "You know for someone who was supposed to be void of any emotions I was pretty sensitive wasn't I?"
"Well I remember every time you started to feel something you had a headache. You're constant headaches and the way you reacted when I told you your parents said you were in rehab really had me curious. And when you reacted badly to your mom not blaming you for her fall I really started getting suspicious. I can't even begin to tell you how amazing it is that I can sit here and talk to you about this now."
"I remember that now," Luke said his expression thoughtful. "We were having lunch right? I was apologizing for her falling…which inevitably caused this whole mess."
"Something like that," Noah replied. "You kept saying that she had to have blamed you. Otherwise it was all for nothing."
Luke sighed and pursed his lips. This all seemed so long ago now. "That happened almost two years ago," he remarked as he ran his fingers through his hair, allowing his hand to sit there momentarily as he thought back to what caused him to leave Oakdale for Echo Lake. "I had just come out to my parents, two months prior and, Mom didn't handle the news very well. She was highly upset…I remember that hurt my feelings greatly."
"How did she end up tumbling down the stairs?" Noah asked, placing a hand on Luke's knee to stop it from jumping. Luke lowered his hand from his hair and focused on Noah, he wasn't sure if it was the hand on his leg or the soothing gaze, but he was able to relax just a little.
Damian and my mom wanted me to go to Echo Lake because they thought I needed to get away for awhile. I knew what they were really trying to do, and Damian had me convinced that it was Mom's idea. You see Mom was upset with me, and Damian was the only one who seemed to care about me at all. I was arguing with Dad all the time, and I even started wondering if he loved me at all."
"You have a lot of insecurities don't you?" He could see the answer in Luke's eyes and he squeezed his knee reassuringly. "You felt like coming out may have been the wrong decision to make…because it only seemed to cause a lot of pain. And at least before you believed your mom loved you. Does that sound about right, Luke?"
"Yes," Luke said awed by Noah's ability to know him so well. "That's it exactly. "I felt like I made things worse instead of better."
"So…Damian seems to be the common denominator in all of this," Noah mused softly. "He's the one who told you your dad wanted you to go right?" He waited for Luke's nod before continuing with his thinking. "And he showed you a letter signed by your dad, I'm not surprised that you freaked."
"It was his handwriting," Luke sighed. "I'm wondering if Damian caught Dad at a moment when he was distracted…which is highly possible since Dad's number one priority was Mom and the baby."
"Your dad admitted he signed something," Noah admitted. "he said Damian told him that you were devastated about your Mom's fall and that you wanted to get help for your drinking problem. Your dad just wanted what was best for you."
"Yeah and Damian knew that. I just don't get it, Noah. I mean he went out of his way to make me feel like he was the only one who cared. And then he told me he was dying and he wanted me to come to Malta with him."
"And then somehow he convinced you that your dad wanted you to go to Echo Lake," Noah added. "It doesn't make much sense to me either."
"Did you ever find out if he was truly sick or not?"
"Actually I did," Noah said patting Luke's leg before he stood. "One sec let me go get the email for you." Luke watched Noah disappear into their bedroom, returning with the Laptop in his hands. He settled down on the couch and logged into his email account. Luke peeked at what he was doing, and noticed the email from Black Diamond that Noah was now opening.
"What is that?" he asked curiously. "Black Diamond?"
"One of my hacker friends," Noah explained as he scanned the email looking for the invo he sought. "I guess he's more of an acquaintance but we used to do a lot of breaking and entering over the World Wide Web."
"I didn't know you were such a bad boy," Luke teased.
"I had my moments," Noah chuckled. He frowned and turned the computer to Luke so he could see clearly. "There you go, the results of Damian's medical records. He is definitely not dying, and he wasn't sick when you left."
Luke read the email over three times before closing the computer and handing it back to Noah. Noah couldn't read the expression on Luke's face and it worried him. He was even more concerned when Luke stood and walked towards the bedroom. Noah followed him with his eyes and jumped when he heard the door slam. The silence was deafening after the noise and Noah waited with baited breath to see what would happen next.
Luke returned to the living room what felt like hours later and settled back on the couch. He looked like he'd been crying, but Noah had a feeling he would deny it if he was called on it. He came to Noah almost as soon as Noah opened his arms to him and he held on tight, his chin resting on Noah's shoulder. "I'm okay, Noah," he sniffed. "I'm going to be fine."
June 15, 2008
I think Luke is taking Damian's betrayal a lot harder then he wants to let on. I can't say that I blame him though. It has to be an awful thing to know that your parent went through so much trouble to deceive you, and not only that, but managed to cause so much hurt and frustration in the process. I knew I didn't trust Damian from the start, there was just something about the guy that I didn't like. I don't even want to think about what would have happened if Luke hadn't of been in the hospital. After all this was the guy insisting that his child undergoes brain surgery. I just don't understand how he could want that so easily. That's not a simple surgery. So many things could go wrong, and yet he's trying to find Luke so that he can put him under the knife. And I thought my father was bad.
Actually its okay that Luke is keeping to himself a little. I think that may be a trait he picked up from Holden. Sometimes Holden would excuse himself when things were just a bit overwhelming for him. I do the same thing sometimes myself. It's healthy though, especially since for the longest time now Luke had been leaning heavily on me. He's starting to realize that it's okay to stand on his own two feet. It's okay to be alone sometimes, as long as you know that someone is there for you when you need it.
Besides his need to be alone sometimes Luke is doing exceptionally well. We have settled into a nice routine over the past couple of weeks. We wake up, take a jog around the property and then come home for breakfast and a shower. During the day we talk or read, and make plans for the future. Luke is still writing in his journal and I try to keep up with mine too. I feel that the day is coming soon when we will face the Damian issue head on. Luke and I talk about it a lot. We talk about the fact that there are a lot of people he needs to connect with, and even more whom he needs to learn to trust again.
Aaron is on the list of people he needs to learn to trust. I think the fact that he knows that is a very big deal. He understands now why Aaron may have felt compelled to do what he did. He doesn't like it, and he doesn't know if he will ever fully trust him…but he understands it. That is what they call a start.
Personally I think Aaron was being a jerk, and he needs to apologize to Luke. I'm thinking of telling Luke how I really feel. I'm sure he would appreciate me talking to him instead of telling him what I think he wants to hear. Besides we've always been completely honest with each other, and I firmly believe that before he forgives him Luke needs to let Aaron know just how he made him feel.
I need to change the subject though. I guess that thing pisses me off more than I allow myself to realize. I've never had a big brother, and I always wanted one. Sammy was the closest thing I had to someone older whom I could look up to, and he betrayed me. That's why what Aaron did to Luke gets to me so much. I know how much Luke loves Aaron; the betrayal had to hurt.
Lately our favorite activity seems to be cuddling. Whether we are watching a movie or reading a comic book we always find a way to be in each other's personal space. Luke will rest his head on my shoulder or my lap, and sometimes I would find myself as the recipient of the warm embrace. Being this close to him feels so natural, and when he's not here with me I feel just a little lost. Luke just has that effect on me.
He's calling me now to watch a movie so I have to cut this short. He says he has been thinking a lot about his other fears, and I have a feeling he's gearing up to tell me something huge. When I know I'll write it in here, but I have to go now..
June 20, 2008
I told Noah there was nothing to worry about, but somehow I doubt he actually believes me. It's not because he doesn't trust my word. It's more because he knows me better than I think he does. Truthfully, I am trying to be okay. It's hard when I feel like the world as I knew it is unraveling right before my eyes. It's crazy too, because nothing makes any sense. Well, okay so that's not completely true. Noah makes sense. He's the one constant in this world of uncertainty. And yes I am well aware that that sounds like something right out of one of Noah's movies. In fact I think it just might be. It is true though, Trusting Noah, believing him, it's the one thing I've been sure of since the day I met him. And I don't even know why.
Or perhaps I do. I think it's because there were no expectations from him. He was just a guy who lived in my parents' home. Sure I was afraid that he was taking my place, but that fear was born of insecurity and fear of abandonment. I don't think many people get that I feel alone. Even with my big family I feel like an outsider. Is that even remotely possible? To be loved by so many but feel loved by so many and yet still feel all alone?
I don't feel that way with Noah though. I think we'll have to have another talk about this Sometimes I feel like all we do is talk, but then I love doing it with him. I love doing anything and everything with Noah, and if I didn't feel like it would be a threat to our independence I would spend every waking moment of every single day with him. But for my sanity and his I am learning that some quiet time is warranted and needed.
Still it makes me smile every time I walk into a room and his eyes light up because he's happy to see me. That's the best feeling and I don't think I will ever tire of it. Maybe my Dad is right about absence making the heart grow fonder. It seems to work for Noah and me. Noah is a lot like my dad when it comes to his emotions. I would like to think that I am the same way, but I know for a fact that Noah is. He will sit by himself and be sad for a few minutes and then after he's made peace in his own mind he will let me in.
I have a confession to make. I am very scared right now and part of me doesn't want to burden Noah with why, even though my first impuse is to go tell him what frightens me. I think it's just the fact that I know I am down to my biggest fears. These are things I need to face, but I haven't yet gotten up the courage to do so. Is that strange? I've been doing so well so far. I can do this…I know I can. I want to, but these last fears are big ones to me.
There are only a few of them. I'm scared of hospitals…even though I have been in them a few times now since…well since I came home, and Noah was in the hospital that one time and I went with him but the thought of walking back into Memorial Hospital frightens me more than I can describe. Maybe it's the fear that somehow Damian and my mom are lurking behind the corner with a nurse who wants to stick me with a syringe. IIT could be the fact that they want me to have brain surgery that I don't need. What if they still think I need it? What if something goes wrong and…and I'm not going to finish that thought, and I am afraid to tell Noah. I need one of us not to be scared
He jumped when a hand touched his shoulder and he turned to see Noah looking down at him with concern in his eyes. "I didn't mean to startle you," he said taking the seat beside Luke. "Are you okay?"
Luke looked down at the entry he had been writing and then faced his boyfriend head on. "We need to talk."
"Sounds serious," Noah commented his frown deepening as he continued to stare at his boyfriend. "It's not bad news is it?"
"That depends on your definition of bad," Luke sighed. "Maybe unsettling is the better word…or maybe I'm just overreacting. I do that sometimes."
"Why don't you tell me what's bothering you?" Noah's voice was gentle and soothing. It always amazed Luke just how patient Noah could be with him.
"A lot of things," he replied his voice soft as he focused on his journal again. He closed the book and placed the pen on top before picking iit up again to play with it. He twirled the instrument between his fingers for a few minutes before he felt Noah's hand urging him to stop.
"Talk to me."
"What if this doesn't work?" Luke asked hitting Noah head on with his intense gaze. "What if Mom and Damian find us and they make me have that operation anyway? What if everything you did gets you in to so much trouble and they take you away from me? Noah what if this doesn't work?"
It didn't take a rocket scientist to realize that Luke was really freaked out. Every single question he asked was something Noah had thought of too. HE knew the risks, but they were well worth it in the end. Luke was worth it all. "Luke, no one is going to take me away from you, okay? You have to trust me on that one. I won't let anything happen to you, even if your parents find us. They aren't going to hurt you."
"How do you know?" Luke asked mournfully. "You risked a lot helping me Noah. I just don't want Damian to hurt you."
Noah sighed and took Luke's hands into his. "Honestly, the possibility of something going wrong does scare me too, Luke. I think about it all the time, but we have faith on our side, and love. I know we have to expect anything where Damian is concerned, but I'm prepared to face anything, as long as I get to be with you at the end."
"Promise?" Luke asked sounding younger than his nineteen years."
"Yes, Luke. I promise. We're going to get through this, and you are going to be okay."
June 22, 2008
Noah thinks I should make Aaron earn my trust again. And he doesn't think I should forgive him right away. I'm actually glad he talked to me about it. I wanted to make the right decision, and Noah said that while it is noble to want to forgive him, Aaron needs to apologize to me first. It was very interesting to hear my calm even tempered Noah going off the handle again. I mean I have seen him upset, but he really ripped into Aaron. And Honestly I can't say that I blame him. Aaron said some awful things to Noah all those months ago, and it's his fault that Noah was hurt. He wasn't driving the car, but he's the reason Noah ran out.
And the thing is Noah isn't sore about that. He doesn't blame Aaron for the accident, he just cares that Aaron hurt me. I love him for that, and truthfully I love my brother. That's why the betrayal stings so much. It's like him doing that reinforced the belief that my family would betray me at every turn. IT was an irrational fear, and Noah and Dad were trying to help me overcome it. Abby was doing her part as well, but then we had to run again and I feel like I had to rework my opinions about that.
Then again I have had more good experiences than bad. My Dad and Abby both went out of their way to help me a lot. And now Grandma Emma and Grandma Lucinda haven't let me down either. I have been with my family for the past month and things are going good.
Even with everything going on I think that Noah and I are finally on the same page. We are equals in our relationship, and I love that. I feel comfortable being me, and I know Noah isn't going to judge me. HE knows I won't judge him either. I think that is why we work so well together. We understand and we care. Noah has taught me a lot about myself in the past year, and I would like to think that I have done the same for him. I am a lot stronger than I was when I came home…and even more confident then when I left for Echo Lake in the first place. I feel more like who I was before I realized I was different. And now I know it's okay to be me. I am Luke and being gay is only a small part of who I am. That has to be the best lesson that Noah has ever taught me…next to the one about love that is.
June 25, 2008
Luke made a big decision today, and I have to admit that I am proud of him for it. I never thought I would see the day that Luke would want to go to a hospital voluntarily for any reason. So imagine my shock when he told me that we needed to make a trip to Memorial. When I asked him why, my boyfriend explained that if we were going to prove to Damian and his mom that he didn't need brain surgery then we needed more than just our documented proof. And he's right about that. We should have a physician sign off on it as well. Luke is very healthy. His kidney isn't even giving him much trouble. He takes his medicine religiously and we try to stay fit, all the while satisfying our large appetites.
Anyway, my point is that Dr. Hughes will be able to see that Luke is indeed cognizant and very aware of what he is doing and saying. He can make his own decisions, and he knows what he wants and what he needs. There is nothing wrong with his brain, and I hope that Dr. Hughes will be on our side with that. I wonder too if Dr. Hamilton is still there. That guy gave me the creeps. I don't particularly like hospitals myself, but as I have said before if Luke needs me to do this then I am there. When Luke was in the hospital for all that time I was there because I wanted to be. He helped me not to mind hospitals, so now it's my turn to return the favor.
We decided that the best idea would be for him to call his friend Casey to talk to his grandfather. It may be just a little too risky to go into the hospital for the tests. Luke is supposed to call today. He is pretty excited about that. He hasn't talked to him in a very long time, and at one point they were really lose. I hoped for Luke's sake that he could reclaim his friendship with Casey. The more people he was surrounded by the better.
"Noah," Luke called even as he entered the kitchen. Noah looked up from his journal and smiled at his boyfriend.
"How did the phone call go? Did you get to talk to Casey?"
"Yes. He wants to see me, but I told him I would have to come to him. And he said he would gladly get in touch with Dr. Hughes for me, and he can set it up so that we have an appointment. His grandfather will be shocked to see me instead of him, but that will be okay."
"Well," Noah said smiling. "I can't wait to meet Casey then. He was already gone when I got here, though I definitely heard about him."
"People are too hard on Casey," Luke said taking a seat across from him. "He "screwed up" a lot and so no one will give him a chance."
"Well you seem willing to do that," Noah pointed out. "I'm sure Casey will be just as happy to see you as you are to see him."
"I hope so," Luke admitted softly. "I'm just a little nervous about this. Even though I shouldn't be, you know? It's Casey, and I've known him my whole life."
"His mom is the police chief right?" Noah inquired recalling what little he knew about everyone in this town."
"Yes and his dad is the District Attorney."
"Wow, that's a lot to deal with," Noah commented his expression thoughtful. "There's always a standard you have to live up to when your parents are figures of authority. I learned that from living with the Colonel. It's not always easy."
"I think you and Casey will get along just fine then. It's the same when your parents are highly respected in the community too. I try not to be defined by who my parents are and who my grandmother is, but sometimes that's the first thing people think of when you do something wrong. It's not really right, and it's a lot of pressure to put on someone's shoulders."
Noah just nodded as he took Luke's hand into his. That statement was all too true and it reminded him that despite obvious differences he and Luke were actually a lot alike. "Should I dye you're hair again just in case?" he asked a moment later.
"Well I guess since we're going to the hospital that would be a good idea." Luke said thoughtfully. "I wouldn't mind making it a little harder for Bob to recognize me."
"And Casey for that matter. We haven't really been in public much with your natural hair, so we should continue coloring it until your parents resurface."
"What color should we go with this time?"
"Are you tired of the brown?" Noah teased.
"I'm up for something different," Luke shrugged.
"Okay, what about red?"
"Like a clown?" Luke wrinkled his nose. That's too loud."
"NO," Noah chuckled. I was thinking more like auburn. I think that would look good on you. It will bring out the green flecks in your eyes."
"Hmmm, I think I can go with auburn. If you're sure it will look nice."
"You know Lucille Ball was a very classy red-head."
"My friend Will had the reddest hair when we were kids," Luke remembered fondly. "And freckles."
"Like little orphan Annie."
"Now you're being silly," Luke laughed. "Pippi Longstocking comes to mind too."
"Pippi Longstocking!" Noah laughed. "Wow, Snyder I think you just made my day. I haven't heard that one since I was a kid sneaking books in the library on base."
"You have a great laugh," Luke commented a smile on his face. "I want to hear it more often."
"It's a deal," Noah nodded. "But come on, for now we have to dye your hair."
Luke ran his fingers through his red hair and sighed as he sat beside Noah in the examination room. The nurse had checked his height, his weight and his blood pressure and now he was waiting to see Dr. Hughes. He was actually a little nervous about seeing him again. Things had been very different the last time he was in this hospital. He had been different, and he hoped that Bob, who had been his doctor for years, could tell that he was indeed better. He hated that word, but it was the only one that seemed to work. His mom and Damian thought he was sick. That fact still hurt more than anything since the implications of the word ran far deeper than physical health.
"Sorry I'm late, Casey. Rounds took longer than I expected. Luke looked up as the good doctor entered the room, his back still turned to them. He glanced at Noah who was also watching, waiting for the moment when Bob turned around to see them there. "I didn't realize it was time for your physical young man. Are you taking good care of-"
His words cut off as his eyes came face to face with two pairs, neither of which belonged to his grandson. One of the young men he recognized on sight. It was Noah Mayer, the young man who had worked for Kim when he was here. He had also become close with Luke, and he had helped Holden whisk Luke away from the hospital that night so long ago. He was sitting there now holding hands with the kid with auburn hair, who looked like he was holding his breath waiting for something. Bob closed the examination room door and locked it for privacy before facing them again.
"Noah," he whispered focusing on the taller man. "What are you doing here? Where's Luke?"
"I'm right here, Dr. Hughes," Luke spoke up, pleased that his disguise had caught the doctor off guard. He smiled a smile he knew the doctor would recall complete with dimples. "Don't you recognize me?"
Bob looked at the redhead curiously, a twinkle in his blue eyes as recognition sank in. He knew that smile, and now that he actually looked at him it was clear that this was the kid he had watched grow up from infancy. "Well now," he said crossing his arms in front of him. "What do you have to say for yourself young man? How long have you been in Oakdale?"
"Is that you're way of saying you're happy to see me sir?"
"Indeed it is, Luke. Indeed it is. You look good. I trust you have been taking care of yourself."
"Noah has been really good to me," Luke acknowledged. "I had the flu in January, but I've been healthy ever since."
"You definitely sound a lot better than when I last saw you," Dr Hughes commented as he leaned against his desk.
"Funny you should say that, Sir because that's why we're here," Noah spoke up. "Luke has something he needs to ask you."
"Okay. Let's hear it son. What's on your mind?"
"Well," Luke said pushing his hair out of his face, "I'm thinking that mom and Damian are going to find their way back here eventually and I want to be ready for them. I have a bad feeling that they aren't going to let up on this surgery thing, but maybe they would reconsider if they realized I was truly okay."
"Well I don't want to put you through all those tests again, Luke. You didn't handle those well last time, and from what I can tell you seem pretty healthy and happy since you left here."
"I am, sir. Very much so. I think…I think Noah was right. I just needed a chance to heal and I'm okay."
"Do Lily and Damian have any idea that Noah is with you?" He asked curiously.
"No…the letter Noah left for Damian seemed to work very well. They think I'm on my own."
"And it hasn't occurred to them that you must be okay if you managed to stay away from them?" Bob mused.
"One would think," Noah mumbled under his breath. Luke frowned at him momentarily before focusing on Bob again.
"I honestly think they have convinced themselves that I am really sick. I can't explain what happened last year, except that it was the effects of being at Echo Lake and trying to deal with everything being back home. I am fine, and more than capable of making decisions for myself. I know who I am Dr. Hughes, and I want to be able to be here in my home."
"May I?" Bob asked holding his hand up for Luke to see. He nodded and relaxed as the doctor's hand rested on his shoulder. "You are a very impressionable young man, Luke. I have greatly enjoyed watching you grow up, and believe that you out of all Casey's friends may have had the best influence on him. I have to say I'm proud of you, son. It is very clear to me that you know what you are doing; you know what you want and who you are. I'll do what I can to back you up when your parents return."
"Dr. Hamilton isn't still here is he?" Noah pondered."
"No, we sent him packing not too long after you left. No one is going to force you to have surgery, Luke. We won't allow it."
Before Luke could react there was a knock on the exam room door. Luke looked at Noah before glancing at Bob wondering what they were to do now. Bob held up his finger and went to the door, his hand on the doorknob as he spoke.
"Yes?"
"Granddad it's me," Casey's voice sounded out of breath but Luke would recognize it anywhere. "Can I come in please?"
Bob unlocked the door and stepped back just in time for the door to be thrust open. He walked in and closed the door behind him looking around for his friend but he only saw a redhead who looked vaguely familiar and a brunet that didn't look familiar at all.
"Wasn't Luke supposed to be here?" he whispered to his grandfather as he eyeballed the two strangers in the room. One of them, the redhead was looking at him with a smirk that he knew he recognized from somewhere.
"He is here," Bob said matter-of-factly. Casey frowned and looked closely at the pair. There were green eyes, and there were blue ones…not the classic brown he was used to when it came to Luke. But then again there was that smirk and there was a gleam in that gaze that spoke of much mischief. HE knew that graze very well.
"Oh my god, it's you?" he said moving closer to get a better look. "Luke?" he asked cautiously.
"Are you going to stare or are you going to tell me you're happy to see me?" Luke asked his smile growing as he looked at his friend. Noah just sat back and watched the reunion a smile playing on his lips as well.
"What did you do to your hair?" Casey exclaimed even as he pulled the unsuspecting Luke out of the chair and crushed him to him. Much to Noah's surprise as well as his own, Luke hugged his friend back and laughed as his head rested on Casey's shoulder.
"You haven't seen me in two years and the first thing you ask is what did I do to my hair? You crack me up, Hughes."
Casey pulled back before pulling him into another bone crushing hug. "Casey back off before you hurt him," Noah said though there was no sign of malice in his voice as he watched in amazement as his boyfriend relaxed in the embrace.
"You must be Noah," Casey said pulling away from Luke long enough to give the other man a once over. "It's nice to meet you. Luke said you've been taking care of him."
"Casey let me formally introduce you to my boyfriend," Luke said proudly. He slipped away from Casey completely and returned to his seat beside Noah. "Noah, this is one of my closest friends, and judging from the hug I think I can still count on him."
Noah reached out his hand to shake Casey's only to find himself wrapped into a big bear hug. "Thank you for taking such good care of my friend." He said squeezing him tightly.
"Can't breathe," Noah managed to blurt out as he patted Casey on the back."
"Oh sorry dude," Casey said letting him go. He clapped Noah on the shoulder and smiled at him.
"It's okay. Any friend of Luke's is a friend of mine."
"Is he treating you good, Luke? I don't have to have the talk with him do I?"
"No," Luke laughed at his friend. He had missed how protective he could be. "Noah's the best, Casey. No best friend talks necessary. Though I bet Noah will want to have a talk with you."
"Casey we were in the middle of something, Son. Would you mind waiting for a few minutes?"
"Oh, yeah sure. Sorry for the interruption, I just couldn't wait any longer. I'll be right outside."
Bob waited until his grandson was gone before turning back to Luke and Noah. "Now as I was saying, Luke, I think you are more than capable of making your own decisions. I will happily write up a report stating as much. Feel free to call me at any time, and let me know how I can help. In the meantime I think my grandson is bouncing off the walls. Go out, have some fun and welcome back."
June 26, 2008
We just got back from hanging out with Casey, and I must say that it was just what Luke needed. Casey is by far the nicest guy I have met in a long time. Next to Luke of course. He is steadfast and loyal and very outspoken when it comes to the people he cares about. I was very pleased to know that Luke is indeed one of those people. In fact Casey seems to accept me as well, so that garners him another point in my book.
We grabbed some deli meats and some salads from the supermarket and went to the park to have a picnic. Casey was very careful about not calling Luke by his name, and he entertained us with stories about old friends and the crazy antics he had been a part of since he came home. I don't think I have ever seen Luke laugh this much before. It was definitely nice to see. I mean we joke at home a lot, but this laughter it was different. It was that carefree I'm having fun with my friends type of laugh. It was very clear also that Luke and Casey admired each other greatly. I was really glad to see that time didn't diminish that.
The only dark moment was when Casey inquired about another friend of theirs; Kevin. Luke's eyes got dark and I thought for a moment that I would have to step in and say something. Casey must have realized something was up too because he tried to change the subject. I even jumped on board trying in vain to get Luke's mind off of the bad things, but it seemed inevitable and Luke just lapsed into silence.
It is moments like those that remind me that while Luke is almost back to his old self, he isn't quite there yet. Some things still haunt him and probably always will. I know he's trying not to let that be the case, but it will take some time before he's completely past it. Unfortunately this whole year has been about reversing what Echo Lake did to him. Once we're done with that Luke can cope with what happened before he was sent away.
I made note of the fact that talking about Kevin made Luke frown, and vowed that I would never bring up the name to him. Luke said that he didn't think he would ever see Kevin again, and that was fine with him. I got the feeling that things went sour after Luke came out, and I was somewhat glad that the guy was not in Luke's life. The way I figured it, if he could turn away from Luke so easily then he wasn't truly his friend to begin with. That's sad though because I know that hurts Luke a lot since he apparently really cared for the guy.
When Casey turned the conversation to their friend Will Luke cheered up and things went back to normal. I really am glad that we got to spend time with friends. I already feel like Casey is my friend as well and that is just from hanging out with him for one afternoon.
When we came home I let Luke know that I was proud of him. He really took a huge step today. Walking through the hospital was surreal, since the last time I was there Holden and I were taking Luke out. I don't particularly like hospitals and I am not overtly fond of doctors. I know that is Luke's fear too, so it was interesting walking through the halls that we had seen far too much of last time. I felt like everyone was looking at us trying to figure out who we were and what was going on. Luke was looking around curiously and I could tell that he was still a little scared. He squeezed my hand tightly as we walked and only relaxed completely when we were in Dr. Hughes' office.
Watching him talk with Dr. Hughes was nice. He really is a great doctor, and I imagine he's a wonderful father and I can tell he's an awesome grandfather. Casey seems to adore him, and you can tell that the feeling is mutual. Dr. Hughes knew all the right things to say to Luke today. He told him how proud he was of him, and made Luke feel good about himself. He also managed to ease my disdain for doctors just a little more. I wish all doctors were like Dr. Hughes. Then maybe so many people wouldn't be afraid of them.
In any case the stage is set for a confrontation that will likely be better than anything I could ever conjure up in a movie. Luke is much stronger then he had been when he returned home last year, and if Lily and Damian can't see that then they truly just don't know their son as well as Holden seems to. I'm looking forward to seeing Luke face off with Damian, but at the same time the idea frightens me just a little. A lot could go wrong, but so much could go right and that is what I'm counting on. Whatever happens I'm going to be there with Luke 100% because that is what people do when they love each other.
Speaking of which, he's waiting for me to come cuddle with him. It's been a long day, and Luke conquered a few fears and without trying helped me to do the same. I think we both deserve a cuddle…we've earned it.
***
July 4, 2008
Happy Independence Day! The day is actually just about over but Noah and I have a lot to celebrate…and most of it has nothing to do with the birthday of our country. Tonight we celebrated an independence of a different type. And if you ask me the fireworks were much better than those going off outside.
Luke and I decided to write this entry together, in the same notebook. Truthfully I don't think either one of us wants to move from where we are…and I know I don't mind one bit. It has been an incredible day and it was capped off with another night I won't soon forget. Yeah…I seem to have a lot of those, and all of them pretty much have to do with Luke. Tonight Luke reached a new level of independence. He broke away from the chains that were still holding him hostage and put the past behind him where it belongs. He made his own decisions, and in doing so gave me a gift I will never take for granted.
It all started with the 4th of July picnic at the farm. Grandma Emma hosts the party every year, and I was happy to be a part of it. It was nice to be there surrounded by my family and all of our friends. For the first time in a long time I felt at ease, and at home. I think Noah's presence had a lot to do with that, but there were moments when we weren't by each other's side. Those were the real tests, and Noah says I passed with flying colors. I was able to mingle and he says I exuded confidence.
It was the first time we officially admitted to being a couple too. We held hands and shared looks and hugs as well as one very meaningful kiss after Emma's toast. I think we were so wrapped up in each other that we didn't realize everyone was watching us. They started clapping and Luke turned thirteen shades of red. I was sure my cheeks were stained as well. My cheeks definitely felt warm.
We left before the fireworks display because I told Noah I wanted to be alone with him. We said our good byes and Grandma supplied us with containers of food to hold us over for a few days, and we headed back to the cabin. We made sure no one was following us at first. Even though it had been months we still didn't' want to take any chances. The ride home was very surreal for me. I realized something as I watched Noah in the mirror. His jaw was set, his eyes focused on the road as he maneuvered our car and I realized something.
I realized that I loved this man. Yeah, that may seem like the stupidest statement ever, but it's the truth and it dawned on me that there was nothing I couldn't share with him. We were each other's safe haven, and even more importantly we're like anchors. We keep each other grounded, even when it would be so easy for us to drift away.
Luke has such a way with words; it never ceases to amaze me. I can only hope that mine will be half as eloquent as his in explaining this. Luke was quiet for most of our drive home. It isn't completely unusual for him to go silent, we both tend to have those moments…but today I knew he was deep in thought. We didn't even really talk as we shared a plate of Cole Slaw. I spent most of the time just staring into his eyes as I tried to read his thoughts. I was just about to ask him what was up when he spoke, and he said three words that sent my heart racing. Yes I know its cliché…that's exactly how I felt.
I said, "Noah, I'm ready," and I knew he understood. His eyes darkened into this deep shade of blue that I just adore. Noah's eyes are so expressive, and I have come to know what the different hues mean. When they look like ice it means he's angry and you don't want to be in his way. When they are bright and cerulean like it means he's happy. Seeing them glistening like diamonds is an added bonus but my favorite is when they get so dark that they are almost black. It means he loves me and that message was so very clear tonight when he took my hand and led me to our bedroom.
I can't really describe making love to Luke, but I can tell you what it felt like to feel his skin beneath my fingers. I was nervous at first, just because I knew how huge this step was for him. I knew what he was giving up by allowing me to take him…and my sole purpose was not to cause him any pain. I just wanted to love him, and I did. I lavished kisses and tenderly caressed his skin, bruises, welts and all. Luke's body is amazing and if it's possible I think I fell even more in love with him.
It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be, but I think that's because Noah is a gentle lover. He kissed me, and I shivered at his touch. It was so gentle, and tender and so different from anything else I have ever experienced. There were no rough hands, and no foreign objects. There was just Noah treating me as if I was the most precious thing on earth…and to him I really was.
Feeling Noah's hands and his lips on my skin felt exhilarating. I was in a place between Earth and Heaven…someone explain that phenomenon cause I truly can't. I just know that's what it felt like. Noah was taking me to places I had never been before, and with every kiss and every caress the fear began to subside.
I cried as I kissed the scars on Luke's back. The tears fell on the welts that would never completely disappear, but the tears weren't necessarily sad ones. I love those welts because they are a part of him. I lavished attention on every battle scar and cherished every bruise because they were a part of Luke. I have learned that scars can tell a story. And they don't have to be as awful as they seem. If you hate the scars then the abuser wins, but if you love them, if you just embrace the wounds and move past them then you can leave the demons behind.
That is what I wanted to do for Luke. I wanted him to love his body because I loved it. I wanted him to be proud of himself, because I am proud and that was why I cried.
"I got sad when Noah cried, until he explained to me that the tears weren't necessarily sad. It made me happy to know that he thought I was beautiful. I don't think that is the right word really. I was over the moon and completely ready to lose myself in Noah. By the time he finished lavishing attention on me from head to toe, I was more than ready to feel him inside me. I wanted that ultimate closeness…I no longer feared it.
I think my favorite part wasn't so much the joining of our bodies, but the sounds that Luke made as I prepared him for me. He has such expressive moans and I wanted to kiss him breathless every time he made a sound. His facial expressions were just as nice…Luke has a beautiful face. I can't quite describe what it was like to see those lips curled into a blissful smile as opposed to the anguished pain I had witnessed on more than one occasion from him. I was giving him pleasure and I just felt very powerful at that moment. It's something to know that you can do that for another man. Anything I was ever told about how wrong this was went out the window as I watched Luke enjoy it.
I am afraid that cliché is in tonight. Being with Noah was single-handedly the best experience of my life so far. Being loved by him is incredible. Being held by him is even better. And even more than that feeling him inside me was just exquisite. I can admit I held my breath as he replaced his fingers with the real thing. I felt something when our bodies came together. It was like a click…that last puzzle piece falling into place and all was right with the world. Noah was so gentle and sweet as he moved and that's when I started to cry. It was so overwhelming, and Noah kissing my tears away as he thrust made me cry even harder.
Luke's tears reminded me of saltwater Taffy, just the right amount of salt and the perfect amount of sugar. I kissed away his tears and told him once again how much I loved him. It wasn't just something to say in the heat of the moment. I meant every word. I have dreamed of making love to him, but I don't think the dreams did it justice. Joining with him in this way was magical and I don't think either of us is going to forget it any time soon.
"We reached our climaxes together, and for some reason that made me proud. Noah collapsed on top of me and captured my lips for another glorious kiss. I think I could kiss him forever and be content. I really love this man and I just had to write all of this down. I feel like if I don't write it down I'm going to wake up tomorrow and realize it was a dream.
Luke is afraid to wake up and realize that we didn't share this incredible night. That is part of the reason why we are recording it together. I can't say that I blame him. I told him that this night would be etched in our brains for all eternity, and now it's written in ink forever too. He's yawing now as I write this and I think it's time for the entry to end. I just want to say that I love Luke more than words could ever express. He is everything to me…my lifeline and tonight I did far more than just tell him how I felt. I showed him.
I'm ready to snuggle down in Noah's arms so he can keep me warm. It's funny really to feel that way when it's sweltering hot outside. But I can't help it, I want to be in Noah's arms all the time and now I know there's nothing wrong with that. I feel infinite and it is the best feeling in the world.
***
He was relaxing on the couch when he thought he heard a familiar voice. He looked up from the journal entry he was reading, and grabbed for the remote control sitting on the table. His eyes widened when he saw the face on the screen. He was frozen as he listened, hearing every word loud and clear despite the fact that he hadn't touched the volume control on the remote.
He jumped when a hand touched his shoulder and turned to find a pair of concerned blue eyes staring at him. He peered at the television one last time before reaching for the phone beside him. Standing he faced his boyfriend matching his serious expression with one of his own. "It's time," he said handing over the phone. "You have to call my mom and tell her you know where I am."