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Explosive Dragon

Unusual Boggarts

In Which No One Important Casts Riddikulus & Ron Throws Himself Out A Window

"Are you ready Miss Brown?"

Lavender took a deep breath of air, steeling her nerves before answering. "Yes Proffesor."

Lupin openned the closet and a rattle snake slithered out of it.

"R-Riddikulus!" the brunette stuttered pointing her wand at the approaching serpent. It didn't work. She could do this. She could do this. Lavender raised her wand. "Riddikulus!"

This time it worked. The snake had turned into a gummy worm.

"You can hide behiend me Hermione-chan, I'm not afraid of anything," Ron said puffing out his chest in an attempt to impress the object of his affections. "I'll protect you form the boggart."

"Shut up Ron," Lavender scowled at the future mass murder. "She doesn't need protecting."

"Go fuck yourself Lavender." the ginger growled as he flipped the brunette off, "I'm fucking sure nobody damn else would ever want to with a face as shitty as that."

"Psychotic bastard!"

"Weak pussy!"

"Sadistic fuck!"

"Bipolar bitch!"

"Son of a demon bitch!"

"Cheap hooker!"

Hermione stepped forward ignoring the two bickering Griffindors behiend her. "I'm ready Proffessor."

With that Lupid opened the wardrobe and the boggart stepped out. It had taken the form of a grinning blood covered Ron.

"Hermione-chan!" the Boggart practically sang her name as it raced over to her, covering the floor with the blood that practically dropped off of him. "Marry me! I love you!"

Hermione stuttered as the boggart Ron leaned in closer to her, it's nose almost touching her own. "R-Rid-"

"I kill all those people to show you how much I love your Hermione-chan!" the currently ginger boggart pulled the petrified third year into a hug, staining the front of her robs crimson. "I even started a cult to spread the word of Jashin-sama aren't you proud of me?"

Ron blinked, and turned his attention away from the piece of shit next to him to the boggart. A cult. "That's actually a really fucking good idea."

Agreed, my minion.

"Get off of me!" Hermione screamed, shoving the boggart away from her. "I quit! Fail me! I am not doing this!"

"Hermione-chan!" The boggart whined as the brunette ran out of the room.

"Hermione-chan!" Ron whined, mirroring the boggart version of himself.

"No, yeah!" Draco screamed at the boggart, helpless to do anything but watch as it took away all of his art supplies. "Stop it, yeah! You can't do this, yeah!"

"Hn." The boggart in the form of Itachi Uchiha contuied to walk in and out of the room, each trip bring another of Draco's 'toys' into the room where it was promptly disintegrated.

"Give that back, yeah!" the Malfoy heir protest as he watched the boggart destroy all of his modified flash bangs (he had turned them into mini bombs, each with enough power to blast through aw unenchanted stone wall). "This is illegal, yeah! I will sue your fucking ass for this, yeah!"

"Hn." The boggart ignored the pyromanics threat in favor of destroying a crate of grenades.

"Fuck you, yeah!" the enraged blonde swore at the boggart, "Those were American army grenades made during World War Two, yeah! They're antiques, yeah!"

The boggart was unbothered by the young wizard's cries.

"Not the C4, yeah! That's mine, yeah!" Draco could do nothing but scream as the boggart disposed of his presious explosive, "Give it back, yeah!"

"Hn."

"Hands off the TNT, yeah!"

"Hn."

"You can't take my dynamite, yeah!"

"Hn."

Draco saw red as the boggart reduced his last explosive to dust. Unable to move the pyro did the only thing left open to him: cuss the fucker out: "(BEEP) you (BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP) who (BEEP)(BEEP) his (BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP) mother (BEEP)(BEEP) then (BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP) go (BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP) yourself (BEEP)(BEEP) you (BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP) in the (BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP) and (BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP) you right in the (BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP) so you'll (BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP) will (BEEP)(BEEP)-"

"...Holy shit." Lavender had never heard such vulgarities in her entire life.

Ron whistled in approval. "I don't even fucking know if half of that shit is even anotomically possibly...and I know some pretty freaky shit."

With a mind like that that kid would make a very good Jashinist.

The ginger nodded in agreement. "I fucking agree with you completely Jashin-sama."

Think we can convert him?

Ron shrugged. "Depends on how fucking much explosives we have to fucking bribe him with."

Shit, I knew we shouldn't have spent all our money on that torture kit.

"We didn't know we might fucking need that cash," the Jashinist was quick to gloss over the possibility that his perfect God could have possibly made a mistake. "Plus you never fucking know when you might need a good fucking chainsaw."

"How is he still going?" Lavender wondered aloud, reminding the ginger next to her of her existence.

Draco was still cussing up a storm, "-(BEEP)(BEEP) with a (BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP) who (BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP) up your (BEEP)(BEEP)(BEEP) on your (BEEP)(BEEP)-"

"I think Malfoy's forgotten he's supposed to fuck'n Riddikulus it."

"I'm sorry! I promise I'll repent!" The-Boy-Who-Lived groveled before the two beings that he feared above all else. "I'll never touch another poison again!"

"..." The elderly women said nothing as she stared at the third year before her with a look between disappointment and disapproval.

"..." The pink haired girl was also silent as she glared at him with barely restrained rage.

"I'll stop making the Dursley's life a living hell! I'll replace all of Dudley's pets that I killed!" Harry continued to ramble. "I'll never experiment on another house elf! I'll never spike anyone else pumpkin juice with a hallucinogen ever again!"

"..." His grandmother shook her head sadly, but remained silent.

"..." The pinkette simply cracked her knuckles threateningly.

"Please forgive me! I'll be good! I'll give to charity! I'll build a homeless shelter!" By this point Harry was sobbing hysterically, absolutely terrified of what the two people in front of him. "I'll donate the Potter fortune to orphans! I'll even start paying Collin!"

"..."

"..."

"Please say something dammit!" the raven's eyes widened as he realized what he had just done. "I'm sorry! I should have never swore at you! I'll write lines! Please don't kill me!"

"..."

"..."

"...This is fucking it?" Ron muttered as he stared blankly at the scene before him. The floor of the classroom was covered in dead bodies lying in centers of sacrifial circles and he was covered in blood. That bogart didn't seriously think that this would scare him right?

I have to agree with you my minion, this is rather disappointing.

"Is this damn thing fucking broken Professor?" The ginger asked. It was the only explanation that Ron could think of.

"...I don't think so?" Remus's answer came out more like a question than an answer. Could boggart be broken? It had done some pretty interesting things since the beginning of class and after so many kids could the creature simply be really tired?

"But this isn't fucking scary!" grinned Ron as he walked up to one of the bodies and nudged it with his shoe. "This is fuck'n awesome! Seriously look at the fucking bodies and the damn bloody circles on the fucking ground, they were clearly fucking sacrifed to the almighty Jashin-sama!"

"Ronald Billius Weasley!"

"Oh." Ron's eyes widened in realization and horror. The boggart had summon his mother. "Shit."

Your fucked.

His mother smiled sweetly at him, but the fury radiating off of her almost had her youngest son shaking in fear. "What did I tell you about killing people, Ronald?"

"That I can't kill a single damn person until I've fucking graduated?" Ron answered, internally debating the pros and cons of jumping out of the nearest window to escape. He was reasonably sure that he'd be able to surrive the fall with only a few broken bones, and if he didn't surrive, well it would better then what his mother would do to him. Still if he ended up breaking one of his legs he might not be able to get away and find a place to hid before she found him and he would have just made things worse for himself.

"And?" Molly Weasley demanded, a flame like aura erupting around her.

The reincarnated S-Class missing-nin and mass murder gulped, but obiendently answered, "And if I dared to put a single toe out of fucking line you make me wish that the fucking dementors had gotten me first and that I was in fucking Azkaban."

"So why is it that your standing in the middle of a room full of dead bodies covered in blood?"

"I didn't fucking do it!" Ron protested. "It was the damn boggart! I haven't even killed a fucking centaur yet! I swear that I'm fucking innocent!"

"I don't belive you."

I repeat your fucked. Nice knowing you Ron, I just want you know you were one of the best minions I ever had.

"Window it is." Ron muttered to himself before dashing over to the window and throwing himself out of it.

The Adventures of the Toad Sage

Episode 3: Shame To All Toads

"She's a disgrace to the entire toad race." Jiraiya complained to the snowy owl next to him, "Refill?"

Tsunade rolled her eye as she refilled the toad's cup (thin-bull). "It can't be as bad as what she's doing to the cats. I heard that she's worse to them than the fire daimyo's wife was to Tora."

"That hellspawn deserved it," Jiraiya growled darkly. "It was a demon, how else would it have lived as long as it did."

"I completely agree."

Up in Griffindor Tower Chrookshanks sneezed.

"But I'm serious about her shaming all toads," the toad sage said returning to the original topic, "I've heard the students calling her a toad. We're being assosated with her!"

"My condolences."

I had a lot of fun with this chapter. I did have some trouble writing Harry's boggart scene but that's to be expected he's the hardest charater for me to write. His boggart was also harder to decide on, Hermione was easy (Ron going on killing sprees to show his love for her.), Draco's was also really easy (being unable to make any of his art.), Ron's was almost too easy (his mother), and I just looked up Lavender's cannon fear online, I threw her in. as an after thought, but I like it. Harry was his grandmother and Sakura (Harry assosates her with his grandmother.) so I had to have them both apear but picking out what would follow was difficult. So if Harry's scene seems a bit lack luster that's why.

I really hope you guys will enjoy it.

And while it will be a while before I do another boggart chapter what do you think Itachi!Luna, Neji!Theo, Tenten!Daphne, Gai!Gregory, Lee!Vincent, Zabuza!Ginny, or Minato!Astro would be?

Also would you like me to have Gaara apear in the chapter after the next one? I've had him planned out for a while now.

Please review they really do motivate me to write~

And as usual suggestions are loved!

KYR OUT~

P.s I'm marking this story as complete since technically given the way I'm writing it I could quit anytime and it would be finished. That's not to say I'm going to do that any time soon, just an explanation if anyone's curious.

Sneak Peek

"If I were dreaming about them I would be scared."

"No, I've just been dreaming about my god father being tortured in the Department of Mysteries in the Ministry of Magic."

"...You know we haven't broken any major laws yet, yeah."

"I think commuting multiple counts of homicide is breaking a major law."

"So, yeah? We should totally break into the Ministry of Magic, yeah. It'd be so much fun, yeah."