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Chapter Thirty Four

I lay in bed and can hear Spencer playing his new keyboard quietly. Ever since he had that case with the artistic boy, he's been trying to learn. He's actually getting pretty good. If he would stop worrying about perfection, it would come easier. Over the past three weeks, we've noticed a few changes. The best would be the little bump that I have now. He comes into the bedroom and sits down on the edge of the bed before tilting his head down and kissing me right on my belly button.

"I love you, be good for mommy and don't keep her up too much, she needs her rest."

"Mommy needs you to come home safely."

"I will," he smiles and kisses my lips.

"Love you."

"Love you too."

...

Spencer has been gone for two days. I haven't heard from him since last night which is strange. I can't get ahold of any of the team. Not even Garcia. Im sitting in front of the TV, flipping through every news channel I can find when there's a tap at the door. Oh no. I open the door to find Spencer on the other side. His eyes are puffy and he looks like a wreck. I can tell he's been through the ringer and he's been crying.

"I left my keys at work," he sniffles before new tears flow down his face.

"Oh, Spencer. What happened?"

"Emily...we tried to save her but...we were too late. Morgan couldn't...oh God." His dam bursts and he looses it. I stand in the doorway holding him and shushing until I notice people are walking by so I pull him inside with me and lock the door behind us before leading him to the couch.

"Oh Spence, baby. I'm so so sorry."

"I feel sick." He rushes into the bathroom and I hear him gagging so I go to check on him and I find him crouched over the toilet. I sit on the bathtub and rub his back until he sits back on his heels to look at me.

"We are supposed to get funeral arrangements tomorrow. Ambassador Prentiss is pretty efficient about things."

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Yes. Actually, that would be great."

"Come on, you want tea?"

"Please."

We sit on the couch and I just let him vent.

"You know, I told her yesterday about my headaches. For some reason I always believed that she was the one person on the team that I could confide in. Not because of anything she had done differently. Just because she never treated me like a baby or called me kid or anything."

"Do you feel like they treat you that way?"

"I mean yeah, sometimes. I'm backwards and I have my own way about me. So sometimes I feel like I don't always get it when they're just having a normal conversation. But Emily never chastised me for the way that I am. I guess it's always been the joke since I joined the BAU at 21. For a long time I WAS the kid because I was the youngest guy in the room. Even though I'm still the youngest member of OUR team, I'm not the youngest in the BAU in general anymore."

"Have you told anyone how you feel?"

"I don't think they do it maliciously. And honestly, I don't mind it most of the time I find it amusing. It's just when I have a problem I don't want them trying to fix me all of the time."

"I get it."

"What are we going to do? JJ was already recalled back to the pentagon. She has to go back after the funeral. She was actually in dereliction of duty by even helping us find Emily. Now we're down two agents. Two field agents at that."

"Please tell me that they're letting the entire team take a sabbatical."

"Yeah. We don't know how long though."

He starts to cry again and I take his tea cup from him, sitting it on the coffee table next to mine. I gently pull on his arm and he curls up beside me with his head in my lap. I have no words. I find myself racked with grief too, I've come to care for the entire team as if they were family. But I can't break down. I have to be staring for Spencer. Just like he was strong for me when I needed him most. I run my hands through his hair and whisper to him softly as I watch the sun rise. We've been here all night and his sobs are finally starting to slow.

"Will you please come with me?"

"Where?"

"To the funeral. I know I don't normally ask you to do things like this and I know that it'll be very small and-"

"I'll go. Spencer, I'll go for you."

"You have no idea how much you mean to me."

"I think I have an inkling. I love you, Spencer Reid."

"And I love you, Ashleigh Reid."

...

It's a week later and Spencer hasn't even left the house. I've been doing all of the errands. Which I don't mind at all and I actually enjoy the fresh air. But I'm worried about him. I'm dressed in black and we're standing at the foot of the bed. I'm trying desperately to fix Spencer's tie because his hands won't stop shaking long enough for him to do it himself. When I'm finally satisfied I release him and he goes to get in the top drawer of my side of the dresser. He takes out my purple scarf and drapes it over his shoulders before sliding on his over coat.

"Let's get this day over with."

"I told Rossi we would come over after the funeral."

"Why would I want to do that? I've barely been able to get off of the couch for the past week."

"Which is why you need to see your friends. You need to see them alive and well to remind yourself that you aren't alone."

"I hate it when you're right. Fine. We can go. But we're only staying for an hour."

"That's all I ask."

...

After the funeral is over, I drive us over to Rossi's house where we have a quiet dinner in the back yard at a large round table. I should feel weird. Being the only non team member here. I don't. Eventually, Spencer thaws out and he's absentmindedly rubbing my belly under the table as he's laughing and reminiscing with everyone else. Once we're home he wraps his arms tightly around me.

"Thank you for knowing what I needed."

"Thank you for being open to suggestion. I know it only numbs the pain for a short time, but if you keep allowing yourself the opportunity to feel the least bit better, then eventually you will feel better. Sure, you'll have bad days here and there but it WILL get better Spencer."

"I love you so much."

"I love you too. Now, let's get to bed okay?"

"Lets. Oh and Hotch said we get three weeks. Maybe we can do some baby talking?"

"Sounds nice." I give him a peck before he follows me into the bedroom and we change into pajamas, curling up in bed, our limbs tangling together as we succumb to the exhaustion of the day.