Author's Note: I'm back from my hiatus. I feel much more refreshed and focused, but more importantly I hope you continue to enjoy the story!
"Saren, can you give me a little time to myself?" she asked after the debriefing, and after she'd seen the Primarch off. The war room was much emptier, without the Primarch and Wrex in the room. It was also quiet. Saren was standing beside her and he still held her hand from Tuchanka. He had yet to let go.
"How much time?" his hand was a little tighter than usual.
"Just a few hours. You know, to eat and get a little sleep before I do anything else." she looked up and smiled, "I'll be okay."
"If you say so." Saren bent down, despite wearing his armor, and fully aware she was as well, and pressed his forehead to hers gently. She closed her eyes and sighed. To be sure Chakwas didn't yell at her, the first thing she did was grab a warm meal, sitting in her armor to eat it. She could take it off when she took her shower. She didn't think much while she was eating, and was surprised when she was done, leaving the tray for now. She could afford to be a little lazy right now, Emma figured.
The armor clunked to the floor the moment the cabin door shut behind her. Emma left it in a pile on the floor by the door, and turned to the shower, grateful for the warm water as always. Tuchanka was dirty, and she never felt like she could get off all the dirt. But when she'd deemed she'd gotten all she could, she dried herself off, and went to go lie naked in bed to sleep. Saren would be the only one walking into the room this soon after a mission. He wouldn't mind seeing her without clothes.
She was on Eden Prime, again. In the forest. Only this time there were silhouettes of people standing around. She thought she'd taken off her armor, it was so heavy on her. Looking around, she spotted the little boy. She began running, slowly, just as before. Ashley began whispering harshly in her ear. Some of her last words before she'd died. The figures began walking, but she walked through them, feeling a wet splash as she did. She chased him around various parts of the forest for hours, crying when she heard Mordin beginning to speak to her. She hoped Ashley wasn't mad at her for not stopping him. It grew dark as the forest grew more dense. He was sitting alone, a bench not too far away. She reached out. But she was too late. He stood up, and began burning, just as before. Unaware of the heat.
She sat up quickly in bed, gasping for air. She was dressed in her uniform, but there wasn't anyone in the room. She checked her data pad, but nothing popped up. She'd have to take it down to get fixed later. For now, she stood up. She didn't know the time, but she was hungry again. Then she felt the sheen of sweat on her face, and turned to the bathroom to wash it off. She heard the door open.
"Saren?"
"Liara, actually. There's something you need to hear." she paused. "Is this a bad time?"
"Just thinking about a few friends who aren't around, thanks to this war." Emma shuddered, Ashley's voice finally leaving her head. Liara tried consoling her and she faked accepting it for the sake of moving on. Hearing that one of the councilors had called got her thinking more hopeful about the situation. She walked down the comm room. Once the insults were done being thrown, it was all pushed aside.
"I have concerns about humanity's human representative, councilor Udina." Valern began. "He's moving large sums of money for unknown purposes."
"We should get to the bottom of this, fast."
"I agree. Meet me on the Citadel. It's best we talk in private. Valern out."
"That was short." she grumbled, turning out of the room, glad to see Saren was waiting at the opposite end of the room for her, back in his casual dress and looking somewhat rested himself. Though she doubted either of them actually got the rest they deserved. They met half way.
"Feeling better?"
"For the most part. Did you catch anything from that?"
"Just the tail end. Citadel?"
"Valern wants to talk to me about something Udina's doing." she grimaced. "I hope this is easy. I could use something easy for a change." Emma led them out to set a course for the Citadel, and then she walked around for a while, not really talking even though when she lifted her foot from the ground his was in the same place just moments later.
After talking with Joker and Garrus for the better part of an hour, Emma stopped by to check the messages she'd received since she last checked. Several were the usual thank you emails, but she read a message aloud to Saren, and anyone else within ear shot, grinning the whole time, even giggling some.
"We're off to save the turians now, since apparently they forgot how to hold a gun." Emma chuckled, looking up to Saren who was standing behind her.
"He would say that about the strongest military in the galaxy, wouldn't he?" she saw his mandibles twitch with amusement.
"He would, only because he knew you'd see this." she sighed and closed her eyes. It meant a lot to her that Wrex had called her his sister. It wasn't the kind of brother she grew up wanting, but he was a hell of a lot more intimidating. And more than that, he hadn't done anything more than poke fun at Saren since they'd met for the second time, meaning Wrex probably didn't care much for what was going on between them, so long as Saren was kept in line. Closing her terminal down, Emma turned, letting Saren follow at her heels again into the elevator. Thinking on their upcoming trip to the Citadel, she realized she hadn't heard from Kaidan in a long time. She knew he'd accepted the Spectre position, but other than that, she didn't know what he was up to. Probably just light duty for now.
"Nothing to do in the mean time?" Saren asked quietly, seeming a little hesitant even though she was just a couple inches away.
"Not that I know of..." Emma looked up, "Something you want to do?" when he shrugged silently she chuckled and turned back around, stepping out of the elevator.
"What?" he was on her heels again, a little too eager from the way it sounded.
"Oh, it's just that we have probably four days of doing nothing, and you're sitting here playing footsie with me." she grinned. "By now I'd think you'd just go for it, but.." Emma shrugged, standing and watching the fish she'd bought a while ago, glad she'd purchased the VI, otherwise they'd all be dead.
"What's 'playing footsie'?"
"It's a human expression, it means you're flirting with me." she smiled.
"Hm. Odd expression."
"There's a slight history behind it, if you're interested in learning." Emma was grinning and turned to the side, leaning against the glass. Saren did the same. "Alright, I have a funny story to go with this." Emma smirked, "So when I was younger, and still in school, I'd have lunch with friends. For some reason all the guys would sit on one side and the girls would sit on the other. Well this guy that I knew liked me for the longest time tried sitting across from me, even though I already had a boyfriend. What he would do was he'd kick my foot a little bit under the table to get my attention. The thing is, if I liked him, I would have kicked him back. But since I never did he tried sitting across from me, and that didn't go well."
"That's the stupidest thing I've heard of." Saren shook his head, sounding more than disappointed in the story.
"Yeah, but that's mostly for kids. And then sometimes it's just a reference for a certain type of behavior." Emma looked down at her hands, and waited for him to speak again.
"So you had a boyfriend when you were in school, hm?" he smiled, reaching out to take one of her hands.
"Yeah. What about it?" she grinned, looking back up to him, glad he was relaxed again and taking her into his arms.
"What do you want to tell me about him?" he smirked. She smiled and turned, not sure if she should just tell him now. She was silent long enough for him to retract what he's said.
"I do want to tell you... It's just a matter of how much I want to tell you, really." Emma looked at him sit down on the couch while she stood at the foot of the bed, pacing a little. Though she paused when he actually settled in, having yet to speak. "He was... The only other person I've had a relationship with besides you and Garrus. The only human."
The way he was watching her made her more nervous. He had very sharp, piercing eyes. They could be soft when he wanted, but since he was listening and taking in information, his look was anything but friendly. They followed her so cleanly as she began pacing again, wringing her hands. Since he wasn't saying anything still, she continued with it.
"His name was Walter Hilman. He was the first person my age that wanted to get to know me for more than what my parents did and wanted to know more than how long I'd be staying. He was a really nice guy, too." Emma let herself smile and sit down. Not next to Saren, but still close. She crossed her left leg over her right knee and leaned back. "I think I was seventeen when I met him." she then smirked, taking a chance to poke fun at Saren, "You were what, 40, then?"
"I don't think so." Saren said, cracking a smile. She felt a little better going forward, at least.
"Anyway... He kept me from signing up with the Alliance right away. We were going to go to school, first, maybe sign up later." She paused, not feeling like now was the best time to tell the rest of the story, rather than stop. She sighed and looked over.
"So what happened?"
"Huh?"
"Something happened between you two..." Saren moved closer to her, and she noticed that his eyes weren't as harsh as they'd been a moment ago.
"Yeah." She looked away from him, but gave herself time to think of the best way to say some things before she actually spoke. The rare occasion that she did think before she spoke. "It was a few months after we'd finished with school, most of out friends were already off at training. So we spent a lot of time together, especially when neither of our parents were in the same system." She tucked her hair behind her ear, noting she'd need a haircut soon. "He was about to leave my place when we heard something down the hall. He pushed me back inside and I ran to go hide under my parents' bed. I don't know why I went there, but I guess it was just because I felt safe." Emma had to stop for a minute, not wanting her voice to crack if she started talking.
Saren put his arm around her shoulders. It was strange that his natural instinct to protect her was just the same as any other humans' instinct to protect. She leaned against him while she tried to hold herself together. She hadn't even gotten to the worst of it and she was losing it. Emma felt like she'd never be able to tell this story again, for fear of having to relive the emotions every time she even thought about it. Her head was tucked under Saren's and that's when she realized she was already crying rather loud. She couldn't stop and so she hugged him tightly, hoping the comfort might give her enough stability to continue.
"Why don't we finish this up some other time?" He asked quietly after the longest time, when she'd managed to at least stop shaking.
"No. I need to finish this now, otherwise I'll never tell you." She said, pushing against him and wiping her eyes. She was already more than half way done with the story, she might as well finish it.
"Alright then." He let her go, except for her hand. "Just take a break if you need to." She nodded, taking another minute to calm herself again.
"So... After I was hiding underneath my parents' bed, we heard this man enter the apartment. He was... Screaming my name and tearing the place apart looking for me. Walter was right next to me. Before I knew what was happening, he was already standing up and fighting the man." Emma paused and gripped her pants, bunching them up in her hands when she felt herself getting ready to cry again. There wasn't much that she could do to fight it. "The man ran off after he stabbed Walter. He was alive-" she cut herself off, sobbing into her knees when she pulled them close, shaking again, "he was alive just long enough to say goodbye." Emma finished softly after she was sitting in Saren's lap again. "The paramedics were just one minute too late, so I never got to see him again."
She knew there was just one little part left to the story, but at this point the story could have ended. She wished that's how it had been because it was hard enough to tell this much. She could be quick about telling the next part, to just get it over with. Or, she could try to explain herself. Either way, she thought it was better to tell everything rather than leave out one of the most important things she'd ever had to deal with in her life. She was being held tightly against Saren, and she pressed her head into his shoulder, looking up.
"I have a feeling that there's more." He said after she'd settled down once again. She nodded.
"It was a few days before his funeral that I found out I was pregnant." Emma swallowed thickly, taking her eyes away from him because it still felt wrong. "I went through the whole thing, thinking that if I had a piece of Walter then I should hang on to it. And, unfortunately the baby didn't live very long after he was born... He didn't have a heart that was fully developed." She looked up again. "That's why it's been so hard for me to dream of having a serious relationship with anyone. I was only 18 when I dealt with all of this, and that's not the worst of what I've seen."
"I'd say you're doing fairly well, all things considered." He ran his hand through her hair, and she closed her eyes. She felt like she could finally start to let the wound heal, and put it behind her. "Can I ask just one more thing from you?"
"Yeah, what is it?"
"Is this why... You occasionally start screaming out a name in the middle of the night?" She nodded and traced a pattern on his hand.
"Before Walter died, somehow he knew that I was pregnant. He told me to name the baby Kevin. So I did."
"Hm... Alright, I won't ask anything else." Saren started to purr softly in her ear. She kept his hand tightly in her own, and listened to his purr as she began falling asleep in his lap on the couch. She hoped she'd wake up right there tomorrow morning.
More than anything, Emma was glad Saren seemed to take everything in and wasn't upset with her for anything. With Garrus, he'd been upset with her for a few days for not sharing this so readily with him, and he'd eventually come around and apologized. But Saren seemed to understand how difficult it was for her to open up to anyone she hadn't known during the ordeal. She imagined he might have a similar story hidden somewhere, but just as it was hard for her to tell a story, he had many more stories that he could tell her. All she wanted was to know that she could trust him, that he would be smart about the battles he picked, and that he wouldn't throw her away because he didn't like something about her. She didn't even know if there was something she did that bothered him even a little bit. There had to be one thing he didn't like about her. She didn't like that he could switch so easily between being the big bad Spectre and her lover.
Now, as she was asleep, Emma was kicking herself mentally. They'd been so close to actually having a nice evening to themselves, free to do whatever they wanted, and she had to go and ruin it with her sob story. Tomorrow she'd make it up to him, and throw out any responsibility. After all, they were on the largest suicide mission to date - they might as well try to have some fun in the face of certain death.