The Reason by Hoobastank

Stein always assumed that Spirit knew. Even now, it is hard to remember that the weapon is separate from him, that Spirit isn't always plugged in directly to his innermost self, that he might not understand why Stein has done the things he has done.

Spirit holds his curiosity in for months, and that is different too. Many things have changed in their years apart, and not just the obvious shifts of appearance and changed status at the Academy and improved fighting skills. At some point the weapon learned how to hold his questions to himself, learned how to keep secrets, and Stein realizes this truth as soon as Spirit asks.

"I've been wondering," the other man says, his voice deceptively casual and forced into nonchalance so the pain of his recent injuries doesn't bleed into it at all. "Why did you do it?"

Stein has absolutely no idea what the weapon is talking about and says so. "What are you talking about, senpai?"

Spirit shifts uncomfortably, adjusting his bandaged arm and flinching. He has every right to be in pain but this is a stalling technique. Stein can see it clearly now that he's looking for it. Spirit doesn't look at the meister, just smiles with self-conscious awkwardness before he clarifies. "You - changed. You learned to interact with people. You made yourself likeable." Spirit glances over his shoulder at the cluster of standing Death Weapons behind them and lowers his voice so they won't overhear. "I think most people in this room like you more than they like me."

"You think I'm not likeable?" Stein is stalling now. He knows what Spirit is asking, but besides the surprise that the weapon didn't know he is feeling a surge of panic at putting the answer into words. And anyway it's worth it for the backpedal blush that starts at Spirit's collar and climbs to his hairline.

"No, of course I think you're likeable." Spirit can't even look at him now, and that suggests something more than Stein has let himself hope until this moment. "But you never bothered making friends before. Not when we were in school. Why did you start?"

Stein doesn't like to look away from Spirit when he has the chance to watch the weapon, especially when the older man is too nervous to look at him and therefore is unlikely to meet his gaze. But in order to organize his thoughts he pulls his eyes away, reaches to adjust his cigarette, tries to find the words to express himself.

It's easier than he tries to make it. He realizes that as soon as the right words enter his mind, starts speaking almost before they're fully formed.

"It was because of you, senpai."

They are the right words, but Spirit doesn't have the years of background from Stein's head necessary to understand them. "What?"

This is going to be hard to say, not because Stein wants to hide anything but because he's so unaccustomed to putting words to these things. It would be easier to take Spirit's hand and drop into Resonance for a moment, to let the weapon just see what he means, but that is the shortcut student Stein would take, and adult Stein recognizes this as a valuable struggle even as he sighs in frustration.

"You left," he starts, and that is the right thing, telling this like a story will be easiest. "You left and you took me with you. I didn't know how to exist without you."

Stein inhales a lungful of smoke and Spirit waits in unmoving silence, barely breathing at all until the meister speaks again. "You were right to leave. I hurt you. It was - very hard, without you." The pause holds weeks of pain, nights full of nightmares and days where it was hard to remember how to breathe. Stein's skin prickles with remembered injuries from days when the only thing he could feel at all was the pain in his head and in his heart and writing it on his skin was the only way he could keep from destroying himself. "But you were still out there somewhere. I had to become better for you. I didn't deserve you, before."

"Stein -" Spirit's voice cracks high and Stein talks over him.

"It was so easy with you that I never had to fix the things that were wrong. And without you - it gave me a reason to change." He inhales hard at the last of the cigarette, crushes it against the ground of the Death Room. "I had to be worth you when I got another chance."

When Stein looks at Spirit, the weapon's mouth is open and his eyes are glassy with moisture. Stein doesn't understand why he is crying. Another thing he has lost in the years between, another thing he can now relearn. He reaches out to touch Spirit's cheek just as the tears overflow, catches the first drops on his fingertips, smiles.

"Don't cry, senpai."

That doesn't help, of course, but even when Spirit looks away there is the memory of new softness in his gaze, and Stein shuts his eyes and lets the image lock into his mind so he can at least have that much, the promise of more, to sate his desire for now.