Chapter 34: Bedauern
The battle was not going well, that much was blindingly obvious even from the limited tactical feed Asuka was being routed from the command deck. Mari's EVA was obviously damaged and Shinji was holding back despite all the yelling she and the others had done at him. The boy was just too kind, but at times like this kindness was nothing more than cruelty.
"Fraulein."
Asuka shot up. "Maestro!?"
"I am overriding the locks on Unit 02," Soren said, and Asuka felt the EVA begin moving. "You have one order and only one order, protect the lives of your fellow pilots. Am I understood?"
Asuka grabbed the handles. "Jawohl Maestro."
"Viel Glück Fraulein."
The channel closed and Asuka felt Unit 02 lock into place on the catapult. She fired up the start up sequence and felt the familiar warm embrace of synchronization. She also felt something else.
You return!
"Yeah, I'm back," Asuka said to what was obviously the Angel. "You ready to kick some ass?"
I fight.
"Good." Asuka punched the launch button. "Let's rock!"
Unit 02 shot up out of the Geofront. Asuka counted down the seconds and just as she emerged disengaged the locks. The tether was ejected without ceremony but the countdown on the batteries remained at 99:99:99. Asuka felt the pulsing of the Angel's core as it fed power into her EVA. It was warm and it was wondrous. The girl began running, tearing through the city. She listened in on the chatter, listened as Shinji got his stupid, too kind ass handed to him, listened as Mari desperately tried and failed to cripple the Angel so that they could try to remove the entry plug, and listened Shinji's horror as he suddenly lost control of Unit 01. Asuka picked up speed. And then she heard the screams, the cries, the curses and the threats as Shinji demanded his father turn off whatever it was that controlled Unit 01. Only silence answered him. Rage welled up inside Asuka. The combined Angel and EVA fed on that rage, pushing itself further and faster until a shockwave rippled in Asuka's wake. Asuka finally came into sight of the battlefield. Unit 05 was a broken wreck, Rei was still unharmed but seemed unable to do anything in the wake of the brutality that lay before her, and Unit 01 was reaching for the entry plug of the crippled Unit 03.
"No, no, no, no stop!"
Asuka leapt.
"NOOOOOOOOOO!"
And slammed into Unit 01, sending it flying. The EVA rolled over and picked itself back up, its red eyes seeming to glare at Asuka.
"Asuka!" Shinji cried out in relief.
Asuka looked down at the shattered Angel. It was still alive, the red core pulsing faintly and trying to pull the entry plug back into itself. Asuka reached down and tore the plug out. It was still intact.
"Rei!" Asuka shouted. "Get her out of here!"
Unit 00 rose and hurried over, accepting the plug before beating a hasty retreat. Asuka raised her foot and slammed it down onto the core. It cracked with little effort and Unit 03 stopped twitching. The girl turned her back to Unit 01, who was slowly circling her. Apparently even whatever drove the EVA now could recognize a dangerous opponent when it saw one.
"Pilot Shikinami," a cold and Asuka thought furious voice sounded over the radio. "You were not given authorization to sortie."
"My authorization came from Colonel Reimer of the IPEA," Asuka shot back. "Take it up with him."
Before Gendo could muster a response Unit 01 launched itself at Asuka. The girl sidestepped but the EVA was fast, following her movement with feral speed. It tried to latch onto Unit 02 but Asuka deftly blocked the lunge and slammed a fist into Unit 01's chest.
"I suggest you turn this off before I turn Unit 01 into paste!" Asuka snapped.
"You are in no position to be issuing demands pilot," Gendo replied, a true hint of anger audible in his tone. "Stand down, that is an order."
"Fuck you," Asuka replied, blocking another wild swipe by Unit 01 and twisting its arm about. The EVA tried to maintain its balance but a quick kick to its shin sent it toppling. "If you think I'm ever going to listen to your fucking orders again you've got another thing coming! So go fuck yourself!"
The last was delivered with a punch into Unit 01's neck.
Gendo watched in cold fury as the Second Child continued to ignore his orders. He was at risk of losing total control of the situation if he did not reassert himself. That and the timer on the dummy plug was also running down. Another minute or so and the system would shut down by itself.
"Increase the LCL pressure in Unit 02's entry plug," he ordered.
"But sir!" Hyuga protested.
"I have no time to deal with a petulant child," Gendo growled.
Hyuga looked at his fellow command operators. Aoba narrowed his eyes while Maya shook her head, her face already puffy from shed tears. Hyuga looked back up at the commander.
"I'm sorry sir, but I will not compromise Pilot Shikinami's ability to defend herself from an obviously flawed piece of technology."
Gendo's gaze fell down upon the lieutenant. At first it was of disbelief but quickly it turned into anger.
"Are you disobeying a direct order lieutenant?" Gendo asked quietly.
"I refuse to obey an order I believe to be illegal, sir," Hyuga replied just as softly.
No one made a sound in the seconds that followed, the silence only interrupted by the beeps of consoles and Asuka's shouts as she continued thrashing Unit 01. Just as Gendo's mouth opened for his response however someone else spoke up.
"Commander Ikari."
The tone was flat, devoid of anything that might be termed emotion, and was one that everyone in here recognized. They had heard it once before after all, though that time the voice offered inspiration instead of promising doom. Soren walked up behind Gendo so that he was visible below but he kept his eyes on the commander, who turned slowly to face him.
"In light of your, poor handling of the engagement against the Thirteenth Angel, I am hereby relieving you of command until such time as a formal review can be conducted regarding your fitness for this position." Soren turned to look down at the techs below, ignoring Gendo's stunned look. "Lieutenant Ibuki, shut down the dummy plug."
Maya's fingers flew across her keyboard and moments later Unit 01 slumped down. Asuka was in the midst of delivering another punch but stopped herself. She looked down cautious at the EVA.
"Shinji, you got control again?"
"Yes," Shinji said. "Yes, I'm back in control again."
Asuka released the other EVA. "Good."
"Thank you Asuka," Shinji said. "Thank you, for everything."
Asuka regarded the boy. Right now she honestly did not know what to say. A part of her was angry that Shinji had been so helpless and weak, but another part knew that there really was not much the boy could have done. Instead she extended her EVA's hand.
"Let's get back to HQ."
"Yes," Shinji said softly.
Soren watched the interaction for a few moments before turning back to Gendo. The man had recovered enough to now be seething with rage.
"And if I choose not to accept your, position?" Gendo asked.
"Then I put a bullet in your head and cut the Adams embryo from your hand after you're dead."
Gendo froze. Reimer knew. Somehow Reimer knew about the Adams embryo he had appropriated. But now? And why had he waited this long to act. And then he felt it. A faint brushing of an AT-field that his enhanced senses via Adam could detect. Gendo looked at Soren. The man blinked. Red irises stared at him. He blinked again. A cold steel-blue now held his gaze. For the first time in a very long time indeed Gendo felt genuine fear. Soren Reimer was not just SEELE's hatchetman and enforcer, he was a successful hybrid, likely created using one of the other embryos recovered from Antarctica. Which meant he could project an AT-field of his own and render Gendo vulnerable to conventional weapons, weapons Gendo knew the man was most proficient in. He was a dead man. So why did Reimer not kill him now? The man's eyes betrayed nothing. Gendo could not recall seeing any other man that was so hard to read, not even Kiel Lorenz.
"I assume you have no objections to standing down until the review is complete?" Soren said nonchalantly.
Gendo bristled but gave a curt nod. He needed time, time to recover from this debacle. If the German was willing to give him that time, then all the better. He would make the Reimer rue crossing him.
"Excellent. These Section-2 agents will escort you to secured quarters. You will remain there until called for questioning and cross-examination."
Gendo glanced back at the two men Soren indicated. Neither were part of his group of trusted agents, making them the German's pawns. Gendo stood and walked toward them. They did not flinch, that would have been unbecoming for men of their training, but neither did they seem terribly eager to approach Gendo. The commander allowed a smile inside. He could work with that.
As Gendo was led off the command deck Soren turned back to Gendo's desk. He turned on the PA pickup at the commander's console.
"This is Colonel Soren Reimer. In accordance with Article 15 of the UN Charter governing NERV I have relieved Gendo Ikari of command. I will serve as the interim commander until such time as the Committee for Human Instrumentality and the Security Council appoint a permanent replacement, either by reappointing Herr Ikari or selecting an alternate candidate. All personnel are to continue with their assigned duties. Reimer clear."
Soren turned off the pickup and looked over the people in the command center. "Begin retrieval operations for the EVAs. Priority is on the treatment of the pilots." A brief pause. "All of the pilots."
"Yes sir!"
The command center was once more a flurry of activity as the operators set to work. There was a purpose behind their motion once more, they were now trying to save lives instead of trying to end one. They needed this. They needed Unit 03's pilot to make it through this. Otherwise, they would never be able to forgive themselves for what they had let one Gendo Ikari do.
Shinji scrambled out of the entry plug even before the lid had entirely lifted.
"Where is she!?" he cried.
"The medical wing," one of the technicians said. "And, she's alive kid."
Relief surged through Shinji but he quickly put a clamp on it. Hikari was alive but there was no telling how badly hurt she was. After shouting his thanks he broke into a flat out run and raced out of the cages. The boy moved so quickly that Asuka was still getting out of her EVA when he disappeared.
"Shinji!"
The boy either did not hear her or chose not to heed her. For his sake Asuka hoped it was the former. One did not ignore Asuka Langley Shikinami without repercussions. Asuka chased after the boy and Rei fell in behind her. Mari was the only one that did not follow, or at least not directly. The girl was being wheeled out on a gurney herself and would likely be down there soon enough.
Shinji tore through the corridors, leaving a string of apologies as he passed or bumped into others along the way. Most were quickly to evade the trio of pilots barreling past them. By now almost everyone knew what had transpired during the battle. In some respects this battle was no more costly than some of the previous engagements. But there was one battle that was all too similar to what had happened this day, one where a boy they were growing to respect had his heart crushed by tragedy. There were always casualties in war, that was as absolute a truth as any in human history. The casualty might not be of blood drawn, it might be the death of an ideal or faith instead. This time both blood and belief were the price for victory and more than one wondered if the cost might be too high.
When the pilots finally arrived at the medical wing no words were needed for the staff to point them in the right direction. They followed the chain of nurses until they arrived at the specific emergency ward their friend was in. Outside the closed doors waiting for them was Amanda and Madison.
"Amanda-san!"
"Amanda!"
The brunette turned to face the children, her face grave.
"How is Hikari!?" Asuka got out first.
"The doctors are working to stabilize her now," Amanda replied.
"But she'll live, right!?" the redhead pressed.
The girl would live, even if Hayashima ended up needing to synchronize with the girl to execute Terminus. But Amanda could not tell the pilots that and so pursed her lips.
"We think so," she said instead. "It's touch and go right now but Hikari's fighting. If anyone can pull through, it's her."
It was a corny and blatant attempt to soothe the pilots and from Asuka and Shinji's expressions they knew it. Yet the two were not so cynical that the words offered no reassurance for all. They at least eased enough of Shinji's worries for his attention to focus on another closely related matter. Worry washed away to be replaced by anger on the boy's face and he turned.
"And where do you think you're going?" Madison asked as the boy nearly ran into her.
"To find my father," Shinji said, stepping to the woman's side to bypass her.
Madison was not so easily evaded as her arm hooked around the boy's neck and she put him into a headlock.
"Your father is behind a very thick steel door and guarded by at least six Section-2 agents with shoot to kill orders," the woman said. "You're not getting to him."
"So he's hiding!?" Shinji demanded.
Madison snorted. "Those shoot to kill orders are for him, boy."
Shinji stopped struggling and looked up at the woman. "Huh?"
"Soren has placed Commander Ikari under arrest," Amanda said.
This time Shinji looked over at Amanda in confusion. Asuka sucked in a sharp breath and Rei, Rei actually frowned.
"Well, technically right now he's not a commander either," the German woman continued. "He's been relieved of command and is being held until an accounting of his actions can be conducted."
"An accounting," Asuka said flatly.
"Make no mistake," Amanda said in an equally deadpan tone, "the commander's actions today were, disturbing in the extreme. Almost everyone on base finds them monstrous and at this point the commander's ability to actually, well, command NERV-Tokyo is effectively nonexistent. The likelihood of him regaining his position is effectively nil."
"And is he going to pay for what he made Unit 01 do to Hikari?" Asuka demanded.
Amanda frowned. "And how do you want him to pay, Asuka?"
"I don't know, shoot him! Beat him to a bloody pulp! He had Unit 03 torn apart while Hikari was still inside and if I hadn't gotten there in time he would have let Unit 01 crush her entry plug! That's got to at least be attempted murder!"
"And so you would want to visit the same suffering and pain upon him?" Amanda leaned over to level her eyes with the girl's. "You want to commit that same monstrous act?"
"Wha-No! I mean, this and that are totally different!"
"The first compromise is the hardest. After that it becomes easier and easier."
Asuka and Shinji looked back to see Soren walking toward them.
"Maestro," Asuka said softly.
The German man first glanced at Shinji. "Herr Ikari. I suggest you go and find Fraulein Ayanami."
Shinji's eyes widened as he looked around. Rei had slipped away unnoticed sometime during his and Asuka's yelling. This time when he tried to separate himself from her Madison did not resist and released the boy. He quickly ran off calling Rei's name. Soren paid the boy no further mind and looked over at Asuka.
"Have you ever killed a person, Fraulein?" Soren asked.
Asuka fidgeted under the gaze but knew that Soren would wait until she answered. "No." The girl frowned. "Well, not intentionally."
Soren nodded, understanding what the girl was inferring. "And how did you feel about that?"
Another hesitant answer. "Really bad."
"And how would you feel if I were to shoot the Herr Kommandant?"
"Nothing," Asuka replied immediately.
Soren leaned over to look the girl straight in the eyes. "So what do you think will happen the next time your actions cause something to die?"
Asuka flinched. Then she took a deep breath. "I would become less sensitive."
Soren straightened. "Never forget Fraulein, that once gone life is not something that can be given back so easily."
"Yes Maestro," Asuka said sullenly.
The German man nodded and turned to leave.
"Maestro!"
He stopped and glanced back. Asuka clicked her heels together and raised a hand in salute.
"Thank you. For sending me out there."
Soren said nothing at first. Then he offered a nod and resumed his walk. Rolling past him was Mari on a gurney, clutching her leg with a brooding look. Her other friend here Asuka fell in alongside the girl to see how she was doing. That at least the girl could do without any sense of guilt.
"Ayanami!"
Rei froze as the boy's cry reached her but she did not turn around. The sound of panting was soon behind her and yet she still faced away.
"Ayanami," Shinji said as he caught his breath. "Where are you going?"
The girl said nothing. Not because she did not want to answer but because she could not answer. She simply did not know where she was trying to get to and so she remained silent.
"Ayanami," Shinji said as he approached her.
"The dinner," Ayanami muttered softly.
Shinji slowed, looking at the girl in confusion. "I-I'm sorry we weren't able to hold it tonight. But, we can reschedule! After Hikari gets out of the hospital, we can invite her too! Everyone can be there!"
The girl flinched and Shinji shut his mouth. He had said something wrong, something very, very wrong. Rei remained silent, making no response.
"Ayanami?" Shinji finally said softly.
"Your father."
Shinji felt a spike of anger but fought it down. He hated his father yes, but for so many years, those years where his father was not there for him, Gendo Ikari had been there for Rei. He did not hate her for it, perhaps he should, but knowing that she was his sister and that she too had lost a mother meant he could not hate her for it. And because he could not hate her for having received the attention and affection denied him, he could not hate her for still holding some affection for that man.
"What about him?" Shinji asked, trying to keep his voice as even as possible.
"I invited him to the dinner," Rei said softly.
Shinji drew a sharp breath. The word that came next was a mere rasp.
"What?"
"He accepted," Rei continued, her own voice growing quieter and quieter.
Shinji froze. Rei's words crashed into him and his mind struggled to grasp what it all meant. Rei had invited his father to her dinner. His father had accepted. She had tried to bring his father and him together for dinner. She had wanted his father and him to be together. And his father had agreed. Anger warred with confusion. The same man that had nearly murdered Hikari had been willing to make an effort to be in the same room as him outside of their respective duties as NERV commander and EVA pilot. And there was a part of Shinji that before all this happened would have honestly wanted to be there, to try to reach out to the man. Why had his father been willing to make the effort? Because Rei had asked him? Did it matter that he was doing this more for Rei than for him?
Shinji shook himself. That did not matter anymore. At this point there was nothing that could ever redeem his father in the boy's eyes, nothing that could ever get him to see his father as a genuine father, someone who he would acknowledge as a parent in anything more than the biological sense. No, that did not matter. What mattered was that Rei was prepared to do all this for him. That she had been hurting because of the turmoil between his father and him. And he had let that turmoil grow until Rei, Rei felt the need to act. Shinji stepped over to behind the girl. He reached out and wrapped her arms around her, feeling the trembling as he pulled the girl into an embrace.
"Thank you Ayanami," Shinji said. "Thank you."
"I'm sorry," Rei said softly. "I couldn't do anything."
"It's fine," Shinji replied. "Everything's fine now."
Shinji Ikari may no longer have had a father, but he would not lose his sister.
"Maya?"
The woman nearly jumped at hearing her name and spun around in a flurry.
"Oh, Keitaro," the said, sighing in relief before sinking back into her seat again.
Her eyes were haunted and her face pale. Keitaro grimaced and took hold of Maya by the shoulders and pulled her up.
"Huh?"
Maya blinked in confusion as Keitaro turned her about and gazed into her eyes. "Listen to me Maya, what happened was not your fault."
"But it was!" the woman protested. "I was the one that issued the command! I could have been like Makoto-san and refused to obey the order but I didn't!"
"Did you know the dummy plug would go out of control like that?" Keitaro pressed.
Maya's mouth opened and closed but no sounds came out.
"You didn't," Keitaro answered for her. "You had no idea that the dummy plug would react that way and you aren't at fault for what it did."
"But-but I…"
Maya had already cried over the disaster but there were still more tears to shed. They streaked down her cheeks and Keitaro gently wiped them away.
"Maya, you aren't at fault," Keitaro said. "The pilots won't hold a grudge, and they'll continue to trust you. So trust in yourself, please."
The woman let her boyfriend hold her tight, finding comfort in the closeness. Keitaro caressed his girlfriend's back, providing a strong form to lean against. He hated seeing her like this, hated how much she was hurting right now. But he was also here for her right now, able to offer her at least some comfort. He hoped it would make up for how much he would end up hurting her in the end when the collective initiated its endgame. That was a big reason why they had established the rule of no attachments to the people of this score. It was a rule he was guilty of breaking, almost accidentally at that, and he had found himself incapable of breaking off from the young woman in his arms. The others let it slide, knowing that the pain he would endure when everything came to fruition would be punishment enough. But that was still in the future and right here, right now, he could be there for her. And so he held her until her tears ran dry.
A dull throbbing pain greeted Misato as she awoke. She opened her eyes slowly to find herself in a hospital bed. Someone had changed her into a standard hospital gown and her right arm was fixed in a sling. She tried to rise but pain shot through her chest and the woman gave up.
"Katsuragi," a soft voice said.
Misato turned her head slightly to see a gently smiling Kaji by her bedside.
"Kaji," she whispered.
The man sighed in relief and stroked her hair. "I'm glad you're awake."
"The-the pilot," Misato began.
"She's alive," Kaji assured her. "They're treating her right now."
This time it was Misato's turn to sigh in relief. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to enjoy Kaji's caress for a few moments.
"What happened?" Misato asked.
Kaji's hand stopped. "An Angel took over Unit 03."
Misato's eyes few open and she looked over at Kaji again. Her neck protested the sudden movement but Misato did not care. She started at Kaji, pressing him to continue.
"The EVAs were deployed to intercept it," the man obliged. "Commander Ikari seemed to think Shinji-kun was holding back too much to avoid hurting the other pilot, so he activated the dummy plug. Unit 01 ripped the other EVA to shreds."
Misato's breathing quickened.
"Soren intervened though," Kaji said quickly. "He overrode the lockout on Unit 02 and deployed Asuka. She got there just in time to stop Unit 01 from destroying the entry plug. She pulled it out, handed it to Rei, and then stalled Unit 01 long enough for Soren to get to the command center and, well, fire Ikari."
The woman's left hand began grasping at the edge of her bed and Kaji quickly took hold of it, returning the squeeze.
"That bastard," Misato said, her face twisted with grief and anger. "He doesn't care, he doesn't care about his son or any of the pilots or any other human being. How could we have followed a man like that for so long?"
"He's out of the picture now," Kaji said firmly. "You don't have to worry about him anymore. All you need to focus on is resting and recovering. Shinji-kun still needs you after all."
Grief overwhelmed the fragments of anger. "Oh god, what am I going to say to him? I didn't even tell him who the pilot was."
As Misato began sobbing Kaji leaned down and gently wrapped his arms around her. He pulled her up carefully, embracing the woman he loved as he tried to soothe her pain and guilt.
"He's not angry with you," Kaji tried to reassure her. "He was in here earlier, asking about how you were. See? He's worried, he's not angry."
"I'm supposed to be his mother now, but I can't even do anything for him," Misato said, her voice cracking. "I can't, I can't face him like this."
"Then face him as the woman he were," Kaji said. "Face him as the mother he accepted you as. I know you can do it Katsuragi, and I'll be right there with you."
Misato buried her face in Kaji's chest and let the tears flow. She hurt, not just her body but also her heart. It was just too much. The insecurities and fear that she had pretended did not exist had finally burst and now she had no idea what to do. But right now she did not need to do anything. Right now she could sit there in the arms of the man she loved and let him help shoulder some of her pain. And so Misato cried even as she draped her good arm across Kaji's back to pull him closer. Kaji responded by tightening his own grip, letting Misato press against him as she let out all her anguish and pain.
For an executive meeting the conference room was tellingly lacking in the heads of two departments. Ritsuko was awake but confined to bed, grumpily at that, while Misato was working up her nerve with Kaji's help. That left their respective understudies waiting to report to the man who would once again take the seat at the head of the table. Interestingly Fuyutsuki was also present, apparently retaining as position as vice-commander despite his friend's dismissal.
The door slid open and Soren entered. The men and women began to rise.
"Stay where you are," Soren said, prompting them to sit back down as he walked around the table to the head. Once there he swept his gaze across the assembled before stopping at one particular seat. "Dr. Ibuki, are you feeling better?"
Maya blushed slightly at the attention but nodded. "Yes, thank you Colonel Reimer."
Soren nodded in return and his eyes fell to another seat. "Lieutenant Hyuga."
"Yes!" the man said, nearly bolting back up.
"The moral courage you demonstrated yesterday was exemplary. I trust you will continue to hold yourself to that standard throughout the remainder of your service."
"Yes sir!" Hyuga said firmly.
Finished with his diversions Soren took a seat.
"Let us not waste any time. Dr. Ibuki, what is the current status of our EVAs? All of them please."
"Yes," Maya said, glancing down at her notes. "Units 00 and 02 are undamaged and ready for immediate deployment should the need arise. Unit 01 suffered some buckling of its armor, that should be resolved within the next day. The installation of Unit 04's tether should also be complete within the next day or so at which point it can be deployed for actual combat. Unit 05's leg will require regeneration, estimated time is currently one week minimum. And, Unit 03, is theoretically salvageable, but regrowth of its, components, would take months."
"Is Unit 03 clear of any further infection?" Soren asked.
"We, believe so," Maya said hesitantly.
"Strip it for parts then," Soren ordered. "Use its leg to repair Unit 05's. We need usable EVAs as quickly as possible. At this point Unit 03 is useless to us even if we had the time to regenerate it."
The woman blinked before nodding. "Yes sir."
"Lieutenant Aoba," Soren said, moving on, "status on the city's defenses?"
"Almost all of the city's fixed defenses have been restored since the battle against Ramiel," Aoba replied. "At this point we are at 93% readiness."
"And the positron cannon?"
"Status nominal," Hyuga took that one. "It's fully charged and ready to fire the moment we need it. We've also worked out a considerably faster switchover protocol for the power grid, it should take no more than thirty minutes for fire rate to become cooling limited instead of power limited."
"Good," Soren said before looking at his wife. "Colonel Sommer." Apparently when on duty everything was strictly professional. "Status on our kids." Kids. Our kids, not just kids. And kids instead of pilots. So perhaps not completely professional.
"Mari is already up and about," Amanda said. "The damage to her EVA hasn't really slowed her down much. Hikari however…"
No one made any noise was they waited for the auditor to continue.
"The doctors had to amputate her right arm," Amanda finally said, her voice barely a whisper. "And they're fairly certain she's paralyzed from the waist down."
Grimaces and distraught looks appeared and even Fuyutsuki looked disturbed. Soren however remained his stoic self, at least on the surface.
"I see," his own voice deathly quiet. "Has her family been notified?"
Amanda nodded. "I spoke with her father. He's been dropping in and out of the recovery ward. I told him he could take the next few days off to be with her, but he's insisting in pulling his shifts." Amanda shrugged. "I think he's using his work to avoid being overwhelmed by his grief."
Soren glanced over at another woman. "Dr. Hayashima?"
"I will speak with him," the doctor said, "as well with Hikari-san's siblings. And her boyfriend."
"Speaking of which, Asuka's been pressing to let him down here to see her," Amanda said, shaking her head as if in disbelief. "Should we authorize it?"
Soren thought it over. "How long before the doctors expect her to wake?"
"They're keeping her sedated for now," Amanda said. "They don't want to try bringing her out for at least two or three more days."
"We wait until after that then."
Amanda nodded.
"I know it's been a difficult two days," Soren said to all of them. "Morale is low and we're all questioning if we're doing the right thing, continuing to use the EVAs and these children to pilot them. But the threat the Angels represent has not gone away. The choice before us is either continue to employ the EVAs or accept extinction. Some of you, looking at what these things have cost us already, may think that extinction would be preferable to increasing the magnitude for our sin. Remember this however, atonement can only be achieved if we live. Death does not buy us forgiveness of from the acts that we have already committed."
The men and women around the table all nodded somberly, safe for Fuyutsuki. The old man instead regarded Soren with a wary eye as if not convinced that the German meant anything he was saying. Soren however paid no mind to Fuyutsuki's gaze.
"Dismissed," the man said.
The assembled stood and streamed toward the exit.
"Herr Fuyutsuki."
The old man stopped and turned to Soren.
"A word."
Letting out a sigh Fuyutsuki returned to the tableside but did not sit. Neither man said a thing until the door slid shut after the last person leaving.
"Are you still Herr Ikari's man, Herr Doktor?"
Fuyutsuki grimaced. "Would you believe any answer I give?"
Soren crossed a leg and leaned back into his chair. "I find it interesting, the way you have gone about honoring the request of the late Frau Doktor."
The old man narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean?"
"Yui Ikari asked you to look after her husband and son. After her merging with Unit 01 you did nothing when Herr Ikari sent his son away. Since Shinji's return you have continued to make no effort in helping father and son bridge the distance between them. One might think you almost want those that Frau Ikari held dearest to suffer. Revenge, perhaps, for her not returning your own affection?"
By this point Fuyutsuki was as still as a statue as he regarded Soren. The man's accusation cut deeply, made all the worse by how it laid out all his own self-doubt. That it was done so casually caused a boiling anger to rise within Fuyutsuki.
"What do you want."
"A straight answer would be a start," Soren replied, "instead of indirect wordplay about what I would or would not believe."
Fuyutsuki glowered at the German and as a former teacher he knew well how to instill a sense of fear and shame in others. Yet Soren remained his composed self, seemingly having no trouble staring him down. As if Fuyutsuki needed any further confirmation of his inhumanity. But that still left a question to be answered. Somewhat needlessly in the former professor's opinion. Regardless of what he said the German was likely to arrange for his death in due time. SEELE did not leave loose ends lying around, ever.
"I stand by Ikari as Yui asked me to," he stated.
The German continued regarding Fuyutsuki silently for a few more seconds.
"You are dismissed, Herr Doktor," he finally said.
Fuyutsuki frowned but said nothing further. He turned and headed for the exit. The old man was still not sure what to make of the conversation. Had he signed his own death warrant? Or had Reimer dismissed him as any sort of real threat? Only time would tell, what little there was left for all of them.
Ritsuko was a bit unsteady on her feet but she was up and about despite the protests of the doctors. Or rather other doctors, seeing as she herself did hold medical qualifications. As it was however Amanda had approved her request to return to active duty and the woman was trying drown her emotions in work. SEELE had finally done it, they had removed Gendo from command of NERV. Or more accurately her supposed friends Amanda and Soren had done it. Looking back it was so obvious what Amanda was doing, earning the respect and even admiration of the rank and file while painting the commander in a negative light. No, that last part was not really Amanda's doing. Gendo himself had not exactly engendered much respect and trust amongst NERV personnel. A certain amount of fear, yes, but fear only went so far and the moment people felt a ray of hope they would abandon their previous allegiance without hesitation. The German couple had simply used Gendo's own conduct against him and they were now in control of NERV, which meant they were in a position to do away with her as well if they felt she was a liability.
That was another reason to keep busy, to look like she was toeing the line and would be an obedient little pawn for Amanda and Soren's true masters. She was still the foremost living expert on EVA technology and the MAGI and so long as she demonstrated her usefulness they would likely let her live. Hell they might even let her live long enough to join humanity in Instrumentality. SEELE would certainly consider that to be reward enough for the doctor and Ritsuko could even see the appeal at this point. No more regrets, no more complicated emotions about other people, just the pure bliss of nothingness. The doctor sighed. She just needed to hang on a bit longer and it all would end.
A knock sounded against the wall and Ritsuko looked up. She almost succeeded in keeping the grimace from reaching her face.
"I thought I told you to take things slowly," Amanda chided.
"I am," Ritsuko replied, waving at the ashtray. "See? Only one cigarette today so far."
That had been nearly as hard on her as her injuries. The nicotine craving was starting to make her jumpy and she was this close to caving in and lighting up another cigarette.
Amanda walked over to the desk and leaned against it. "Something tells me you're pushing yourself to avoid thinking too hard about other things."
Ritsuko grimaced. Count on Amanda to drag out her demons.
"I'll be fine," Ritsuko said moodily. "I can keep up with my work and you won't see any decrease in efficiency. Can we just leave it at that?"
Amanda's hand suddenly shot down and caught hold of Ritsuko's. The woman started in surprise but then saw that she had been unconsciously reaching for the pack of cigarettes. So much for her self-control.
"You're not fine," Amanda said, "and I think it's time we finished our little talk."
"Is this really the time for it?" Ritsuko protested.
"Yes," Amanda replied firmly. "You're probably thinking that I want to have this talk to ensure your obedience and that you're not going to try anything drastic like blow up HQ."
Now there was an idea, Ritsuko mused. And she even knew how she could pull it off. But she was not quite there yet. Yet.
"Assuming of course you could override the locks I've added to the MAGI."
Yet. Maybe she would never get there. But then again Amanda might be a bit too overconfident about her ability to keep Ritsuko from taking control of the supercomputer her mother designed and built.
"Look Ritsuko, I know that you've had some mixed feelings about me and Soren ever since you found out about my family history. I can even understand why, SEELE isn't exactly a welcoming and kind group of old men. But I'm not my grandfather, I'm me, and I considered you a friend back in university and I consider you one now, which is why I do not like seeing you tearing yourself apart for a man that doesn't appreciate you and will never offer you the affection you want and deserve."
Ritsuko flinched as if Amanda had just slapped her. The German woman had dropped insinuations to this effect before but this was the first time she was so blunt with her opinion about Ritsuko's relationship with the commander.
"So what do you want me to do, go out and try to find some other man that will appreciate me? Do you think all of us can be so lucky and find someone like Soren?"
Amanda raised an eyebrow. "Have you ever tried?"
"What?"
"Exactly what I said. Have you actually ever tried to hook up with someone else? Or did you just settle for Ikari after the first time he seduced you?"
The doctor's hands tightened into fists. "You don't know what you're talking about."
"I know exactly what I'm talking about," Amanda stated. "You always had trouble trying to understand what goes on in a relationship between a man and a woman. You couldn't understand why Ryoji and Misato would skip an entire week of school just to have sex. And because you didn't understand, you were actually relieved when Ikari approached you and offered you what you thought was genuine affection. Except that deep down you knew all along it was a lie, but since you still couldn't grasp just what was so wrong about the lie you kept going back for more."
"Shut up," Ritsuko growled.
"No."
"Shut up!" the woman screamed and shot up.
In retrospect presenting a potential physical advance on Amanda was probably a really stupid idea. The woman was a black belt in karate after all whereas Ritsuko was only mildly fit from her swimming hobby. As it was the doctor did not even realize her face was slammed against the desk until she was already pinned. Everything else had been a complete blur.
"I don't care whether you're still as efficient as you were before Ikari's arrest," Amanda said calmly. "I don't even care if you decide to quite entirely and leave NERV. What I do care is that you stop throwing away your own life for the sake of someone who's been using you for all these years and will never treat you with the dignity and affection you deserve."
"Why do you care so much," Ritsuko hissed.
"Because I'm your goddamn friend," Amanda said, releasing the doctor. "I've always been your friend, and I would like to think that you still think of me as one."
Ritsuko rubbed her arms where Amanda had grabbed her. The woman's grip was not to be trifled with.
"But why?" Ritsuko asked more calmly. "What makes you go through so much trouble, why do you think our, friendship, is worth all this?"
Amanda smiled wirily. "That's the thing, there doesn't need to be a reason for a friend to look out for a friend. It's something you've always had trouble accepting. We're not friends because of convenience, Ritsuko, or because we're in a give and take sort of relationship. We're friends because we want the other person to be happy."
Ritsuko looked at her, friend, and tried to sort through the argument. It was illogical and even somewhat circular. Just trying to make sense of it was giving her a headache. But then again that was what Amanda was claiming was her problem, she was trying too hard to make sense of something that intrinsically did not have any sense to it. And yet could this really be how humans interacted with each other? With no rhyme or reason? That notion hurt her head even more.
"Why do you care though?" Ritsuko said. "All of this will be irrelevant once Instrumentality occurs."
"Ah, now that would be telling," Amanda said coyly.
Ritsuko frowned. And then it clicked. Everything Amanda and Soren had done over the past few months began to make sense. The two were not working to advance Instrumentality, they were actively working to prevent it. Was this it? Could she use this to bargain with SEELE, get them to reinstate Gendo? But would SEELE believe her over Kiel Lorenz's own granddaughter and their chief enforcer? How could she get proof that this was not just some desperate ploy? Could she-Ritsuko's train of thought abruptly chopped off. Why was she plotting to help Gendo? Was she so desperate for affection like Amanda said that she would sacrifice anyone and everyone for a man that treated her with such callousness? The man had chosen his doll over her time and time again, it was plain as day that he would never see her the way he saw his deceased wife. Was he really the man Ritsuko would be prepared to give her all for?
The doctor slumped down into her chair. "I need to think about all this."
Amanda smiled. "Sure Ritsuko. Take your time. And try to take it easy, okay? The human body can only take so much abuse before it will force you to rest."
The German woman left the office, Ritsuko watching her until the door slid shut behind her. She sighed. Things were so much less complicated just a few days ago. Now she felt as if she was staring into a bottomless abyss that was threatening to swallow her up whole. But her head was feeling clearer now, the stress and anxiety that had been building for so long fading with every passing moment. In fact what would really help clear out that stress was another cigarette, doctor's orders be damned. Ritsuko reached for the pack. She grabbed nothing but air. The doctor looked at her desk and saw that where the pack lay just minutes before there was nothing but empty space now. Now where had that-Ritsuko looked over at the office door. Amanda, it had to have been Amanda. Ritsuko chuckled. She supposed she should take the hint. And really smoking was bad for her health after all. Ritsuko turned back to the monitor. Maybe her work would be able to distract her from that as well. It was worth a try.
"Ouch, hey, watch it!"
"You watch it stooge," Asuka said irritably. "And keep your damn head down, if I catch you peeking I swear I will kick your teeth out!"
"How ta hell am I supposed to crawl around in these vents without seeing what's in front of me!?" Toji demanded.
"You don't need to see what's in front, you just need to stay behind me," Asuka snapped.
"And how am I supposed to know if I'm still behind you if I can't look up?" the boy countered.
"Just, just use your ears and listen for once in your life!" The girl sighed in exasperation. "Why am I doing this again?"
To that Toji said nothing and the next minute or so passed in silence until Asuka found the grate she was interested in.
"Okay, hang tight. We need to wait for Mari to unscrew this for us."
"Can't you just kick it out?" Toji asked.
Asuka snorted. "That only works in movies. In real life these things are bolted on tight, you'd probably end up breaking your leg first before breaking the grate."
Toji muttered something under his breath that Asuka did not quite catch but the girl paid him no mind. Instead she peered out the grate, on the lookout for her friend. They did not need to wait long as Mari appeared a minute or so later.
"Yo princess," the girl greeted as she bent down. "Just one minute and I'll have you and the jock out of there."
It took a bit longer than that for the girl to unscrew everything. Once out Asuka bent backward and stretched.
"Thanks Mari, those ventilation shafts are a lot tighter than they look."
"Give it a few more years and neither of you would have been able to fit through them," Mari said. "So, should I leave this open for your return trip?"
"Nah, close it," the redhead said. "We can probably just walk out. Even if they catch the stooge at that point it's not like they'd do anything besides give him a stern talking to and escort him off premises."
"What'd you say!?" Toji demanded.
"Oh stop whining already," Asuka said, "c'mon, there are a lot of patrols around and if we want to avoid them we need to hurry."
Toji grunted and followed after the girl. Mari gave them a wave before proceeding to close the grate. As they ventured toward the medical wing Toji found that Asuka was not exaggerating, over the course of ten minutes they ended up ducking back, backtracking, and hiding to avoid three separate patrols of soldiers.
"So why is security so tight right now?" Toji asked in a hushed tone.
"The Maestro's put the entire base on high alert," Asuka said, her voice equally subdued. "He's been using the UN regiment to bolster internal security. He said he's not taking any risks with anything happening to us."
To that Toji could only nod in approval. After all it was his girlfriend that was behind all this security. The two had just rounded another corner when Asuka squeaked. The person she ran into did more than that and a cry of surprise escaped the woman.
"Whoa there! Oh hey, it's Lieutenant Shikinami," the woman said.
Asuka blinked. "Sergeant, Kasahara?"
"Yep, that's me," the short haired woman said with a smile. "Sorry about that, wasn't expecting anyone to be turning the corner like that."
"That's okay," Asuka said, trying to figure out how to end the conversation and get the patrol on their way.
"So what brings you down here?" Kasahara asked, completely oblivious to said desire however. "Oh, you're here to visit your friend right? I hear she's doing better, the doctors were thinking of bringing her out of her induced coma within the next few days."
"That's right," Asuka said and bowed. "If you would please excuse me then?"
"Sure, no prob-hey, who are you?"
Asuka cursed herself and turned to give Toji a glare. Why hadn't the stooge hidden himself?
Toji bowed immediately. "Suzuhara Toji! Hikari's my girlfriend and I came to see her!"
Kasahara blinked in surprise. "Her boyfriend? I didn't know she had one. No, wait, yeah, I've heard about you." The woman's eyes narrowed. "You're not cleared to be down here."
"I know ma'am and I'm really sorry, but I haven't been able to see her since the Angel attack," Toji said, head still bowed low. "Please, I beg of you, let me at least see her once before you throw me out."
"Sergeant, I would consider it a personal favor if you let this slide," Asuka added in. "He's been haranguing me and the other pilot for days now and if only for our own peace of mind could you pretend you didn't see him?"
Kasahara looked back and forth between Asuka and Toji before sighing. "Alright, but just this once. And if you run into another patrol, it's up to you to talk your way out of it."
Asuka smiled brightly. "Thank you sergeant, I won't forget this."
The woman sighed again. "Don't make me regret this. Hurry along now."
"Wilco," Asuka said. "C'mon stooge, it's a clear shot from here to the medical center."
The girl broke out into a run and Toji offered a quick bow before chasing after all.
"You sure that was okay sarge?" he heard one of the soldiers say.
"Probably not," Kasahara replied, "but I can't very well stop a guy from wanting to be there for his girl."
Toji allowed himself a slight smile. Yeah, he would be there for Hikari. The smile disappeared. No matter who or what stood in the way.
The two arrived before a large door sealed by a security lock.
"The other side leads to the observation room," Asuka said. "Hikari's in a climate controlled room to minimize any contamination or germs so you can't go in there directly."
Toji nodded. "Alright, open up, I'm ready."
"One last thing." Asuka spun around and looked him in the eye. "Shinji's in there."
The boy flinched.
"He told me about his promise to you," Asuka went on. "I'm only going to say this once, what happened to Hikari was not Shinji's fault. He had no control over the EVA once the dummy plug came online. So you will not hold him responsible for Hikari's injuries, am I clear?"
The boy ground his teeth. "I hear ya. Now open up."
Asuka regarded the boy for a few more seconds before pulling out her keycard and sliding it through the reader. The doors slid open.
"To your right, third room on your left," she said.
Toji nodded and stepped through.
"If I find out you punched Shinji I will end your ass, Hikari's boyfriend or not," Asuka said before the door closed.
Toji hesitated one brief moment at hearing this but then set out for the room. To his right, third room on his left. He took a deep breath and pressed the door button. It slid open and he stepped through. The room was pretty bare, a few chairs and a window looking into a room filled with complicated looking medical equipment. On the bed in the middle of the room lay a junior high school girl, her hair loose and spilling over the pillow. A pump next to her rose and fell in time with her chest as oxygen was delivered to her through the mask over her face. Much of her body was covered by a white bedsheet but even from where he stood Toji could make it the bandages covering Hikari's right shoulder. The place where an arm was no longer present. The boy's hands balled up into fists.
Standing beside the window was Shinji, his hand pressed against the glass as he also watched Hikari. Toji approached him, his shoes sounding against the floor with every step. Shinji turned around to face him.
"Toji."
"Shinji."
The two boys remained like that, meeting each other's gazes silently. And then Shinji bowed.
"I'm sorry."
Toji said nothing.
"I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise," Shinji went on. "I'm sorry I let Hikari get hurt this bad. It was my fault, if only I had fought harder my father would have never activated the dummy plug and we might have gotten her out of the Angel sooner."
Still Toji remained silent.
"I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough," Shinji said. "When we first met I promised I would do my best to make sure no one would get hurt, but I didn't. I didn't do my best and Hikari did get hurt."
Shinji rose. "So punch me."
Toji blinked. "Huh?"
"I punched you and owed you one," the other boy said. "I've gone back on my word, so we're not even any more. So, punch me and make it right again."
Toji stared at the boy for several seconds before he lunged at Shinji.
"Punch you!?" he cried as he grabbed hold of the boy. "Do you think punching you will make Hikari better!? That it'll make her arm come back!? Or let her walk again!?"
"I know it won't but it's the only thing I can do!"
"No it's not!" Toji let Shinji's collar go. "No, it's not. You're an EVA pilot, Shinji, you fight to keep us safe from Angels. Hell you have kept us safe from Angels all this time. You, I can't hate you for what happened to Hikari. It wasn't your fault man, you did try. It wasn't your fault."
Shinji's body trembled as he backed up against the window.
"Everyone keeps saying it wasn't my fault, but I just can't believe it," he said. "I was the one in Unit 01, I could have done something more."
"What could you have done man?" Toji protested. "I heard it from Makinami and the de-Shikinami herself! That dummy plug or whatever totally took control, you couldn't do anything!"
"It was my fault it got turned on in the first place," Shinji said. "And after it got turned on I could have tried to make my father turn it off! I could have activated the EVA's self-destruct, force him to turn it off!"
Toji felt anger spike with him. "Self-destruct!? Don't talk bullshit here Shinji, what would have threatening to blow yourself up accomplished?"
"It would have gotten them to turn off the dummy plug sooner!"
"You don't know that!" Toji snapped. "No don't even try, you can't possibly know that! And what if they called your bluff and you did blow yourself up!? Would that have saved Hikari, or would you have ended up taking her with you!?"
Shinji said nothing.
"You did your best man, you have to believe that yourself," Toji said. "You fought for us, for Hikari, and you need to believe that yourself or else you, well, the next time you go out there really might be the last time. Hikari's still alive, Shinji. Don't make things turn out that I end up mourning you instead."
Shinji took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes. "I don't know any more Toji, I really don't. I don't know if I can keep doing this."
Toji nodded. "That's your choice man, and I'll stand by ya no matter what you choose. But you've already saved lots of lives already, Hikari's included. Don't doubt that for a second Shinji."
The boy straightened somewhat and offered a slight smile to his friend.
"Thanks Toji."
The jock returned it. "No problem man." He chuckled dryly. "And besides, I could never hit you."
Shinji blinked, cocking his head to the side.
"The demon'd stomp me into paste if I laid a hand on her man."
Shinji blinked again. He blinked a few more times. Then his face started heating up. Pointedly however he made no move to deny Toji's words. The other boy said nothing more, instead walking over to the window. Hikari lay there, breathing slowly. But she was breathing. She was alive. And that was what counted.
The room was suddenly awash with red lights as klaxons blared. The two boys looked up.
"An Angel," Shinji said softly.
Toji looked over at the other boy. "You going?"
Shinji met his gaze and after a brief moment nodded firmly. Toji flashed him a grin.
"Go kick its ass."
"I will."
It was a statement, and a promise.
End of Chapter 34
Over nine thousand seven hundred words for this chapter. There was a lot of stuff to pack in. And quite frankly I could have added even more and split it into two chapters, but that would probably have been a bit too heavy with all the drama and stuff. Overall I'm pretty pleased with this chapter, there was a lot of character development and we got to see some plot progression. I'm sure a lot of you are just overjoyed that Gendo's been tossed into the brig. He still has a role to play however so we will be seeing him again.
I'm not sure if Ritsuko's development in this chapter had enough foreshadowing/sufficient preparation in previous chapters. She might not have been given enough scenes and etc to justify what happened this chapter. We'll see.
Something that I wanted to do but kept forgetting to add in was a twist to Asuka and Rei's relationship. A lot of fans infer that Asuka suffers from nightmares a lot and one thing I've seen used to get Asuka and Shinji closer together is to have it when Asuka sleeps with him she doesn't get the nightmares anymore. I had wanted to reproduce this but basically have Asuka walk into Rei's room by accident, since they are living in the same apartment, and achieve the same effect. Asuka would eventually find out this was happening and after some hijinks it would serve to help the two further bond. The reason this did not make it into the story proper is because I literally kept forgetting to add the scenes depicting it in. If I ever do a definitive version or something for this fic, it's one of the things that I would fix. The other would be Mayumi's abrupt introduction, moving some of the scenes in chapter three into chapter two and adjusting as necessary. Anyway, as far as the Asuka/Rei sleeping together thing goes, assume that it has happened and Asuka has realized and the two are closer as a result. Not romantically close obviously, but close as in much more comfortable with each other.
I'm not sure which will see an update next, In Tune or A Cold Calculus. More likely the latter seeing as I already have parts of the next chapter written where as I have nothing written for the next chapter of this fic. So you guys will have to suffer through the cliffhanger for a while. Anyway, drop a review if you've enjoyed the story thus far. And if you have any comments or thoughts on the development of course.