A/N: Hello, hello? Not dead. It will be finished one day. Ideally, one day soon. Not sure if anyone is still reading, but I'm working on it.

Red Lotus

Chapter 36: The Prodome

He did not easily stress.

After all, during his many centuries of life, he had learned what he could control and what he could not control. That taught him that stressing over a situation that he could not control served no purpose. To top it all off, usually, when people were stressed over something, they made worse decisions. It was always best to keep a level head and to go into every situation with a calm demeanour. Of course, that way of life had been a little interrupted lately. Although he had not admitted it to himself, he had stressed more now than ever when it came to her. When she had fallen ill, he might have stressed. A little bit. And now? Now, he might be stressing a little bit. Even though there was absolutely nothing he could do.

Choices had been made for them. Decisions were taken before they could take them.

Sesshomaru had contacted Aiko, alerting him of Kagome's condition. At first, the plan was to take her into a hospital where it could be safe for her to give birth. Of course, that was not what happened. Kagome began being plagued with sharp pains and Aiko recommended for them to move her as little as possible. Sesshomaru followed the instructions. That meant that while they waited for Aiko to arrive, he sat by her side while she nearly crushed his hand to crumbles with her strangely strong human strength. He said nothing while he watched her face transformed through a million emotions as she was forced to suffer a pain that he could not imagine. It was then that he had begun feeling impatient.

Aiko took too long to arrive.

Once he finally did show himself, some changes had to be made. Since he did not wish to take Kagome into a hospital, they were forced to transform their bedroom in a makeshift hospital room. Sesshomaru was not pleased with that. If Aiko thought there was some kind of danger to Kagome's life, he did believe that the best place for her was a hospital no? After all, if something went wrong, they would have everything to rectify the situation. If Kagome ended up bleeding to death, there was not much to be done in this tiny apartment. It was true that perhaps those thoughts caused Sesshomaru's temper to flare slightly more than he intended. He did share his concerns with Aiko, but Aiko seemed to believe that it was still safer to not move Kagome.

Something to do with her placenta.

Sesshomaru was no doctor but, he did know that in the cases of humans, they were better off in a hospital. Granted Kagome was no regular human, but still.

He preferred the hospital.

Kagome on the other hand, did not like the hospital. She associated the hospital with death and she let him know that if it was the best thing for her to remain here, she would enjoy it more this way. Although he failed to see the logic in her statement, he did understand. He could still remember the stench that had impregnated her skin back when she was close to dying. He could imagine that one person could easily have bad memories of the hospital after such an experience. But - but he could not allow her to put her own life in danger simply because she feared the hospital.

Regardless, he decided to put her life into Aiko's hands. For the time being. If he showed any signs of failing, it would all be over. For now, he would trust him.

Although it did not help that he was exiled. He had been told to wait outside of the bedroom. Aiko had clearly been thinking about it but he owed him too much respect to say anything. The one who ended up removing him from his own bedroom, and the birth of his child, was Kagome. It seemed that his aggravation and agitation were setting off a stress reaction from her and she was less than pleased with his presence in the vicinity. She politely asked him to wait outside while Aiko was trying to figure out the situation. He should not have let her remove him from the situation but he did. It was her who was in an immense amount of pain. He had also sensed her increased stress levels; she was not lying.

He did not wish for her or for the child to be put in harm's way. If that meant he had to retire to another room… he would have to do it.

But that did not mean he was peacefully waiting her. It was quite the opposite actually. Instead, he was sitting on the couch, tapping his foot against the wooden floor. It annoyed him - but he could not stop.

He was hoping that his ear might pick up a sound, something that would tell him it was safe to go back. Or perhaps his child's first cry.

There was a new emotion, cycling through him. One that he could not quite pinpoint. It was new, unfamiliar. It bubbled in his chest, it caused his throat to clam up and now, his palms were sweating. He wanted to crisp his fingers into fists, regardless of the fact that his claws might break the sensitive skin of his palms. He needed something to be his outlet but there was nothing.

At least, there was nothing until his left ear twitch. It was a sound, a new sound. He was up on his feet before he could even exhaled the air out of his lungs. He rushed to the bedroom, the door flying open and colliding with the nearby wall. The startling sound caused the occupants of the room to be fill with dread for a moment. As he entered the room, his eyes met with Kagome's. Her forehead was covered in a sweat build up, causing it to shine. Her hands were grasping at the sheets while she tugged them closer to her suffering body. Her skin had more color than he had seen on it in a long time; a bright red colored her cheeks while her hands were ready to turn purple. Grunts of pain were emerging from her and she was nearly bitting her bottom lip hard enough to draw blood.

She needed this to be over.

She did not have time to think, to want anything. She just wanted the pain to be over and she wanted her child to be fine. She wanted it all. She needed it all.

Sesshomaru dared to enter the room, his footsteps quiet as he arrived by her side. He made sure not to sit on the bed, since he did not want to shift the set up Aiko had created for her. Instead, he kneeled by the ground while her screams of pain were the only thing filling his head. He reached out for her hand and the second he did that, she wrapped her fingers around his. She wanted to crush his hand to a pulp. It felt like it might be the only thing that could provide her with any kind of relief. And he stayed there while she attempted to crush every bone in his body. Every second seemed slow, every moment seemed to drag on forever but… eventually, it ended.

A loud scream echoed through the room, but this time it was not coming from Kagome.

This time, it was coming from his daughter.

He watched in awe as Aiko pulled her away from Kagome. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, her pale skin covered in blood and goo. Her eyes were tightly shut, preventing him from seeing her eye color, but there was no mistaken the fact that she had inherited her mother's hair; that was a tuft of dark black locks right on top of her head. He could not look away, he could not hear his own heart beating. Instead, his eyes were locked on the small human being that Aiko was bringing closer to them. She was wriggling in his arms, she was throwing her little fists into the air as though she was expressing rage.

Aiko's eyes met Kagome's. For the first time, he felt relief wash over him. He had been worried. This pregnancy resembled nothing he was used to and the fact that it included Lord Sesshomaru had never made him lose all skills. But there she was was. "Would you like to hold her?" he asked Kagome.

Her eyes were filled with tears, while some of them escaped her blue orbs and were dripping down her cheeks. She did it. She managed to bring her daughter into this world. It had taken everything she had and more to not give up half way through the process. She had felt weak, she had felt useless and she had thought she could not do it.

But she could.

Her tiny daughter was put into her arms and immediately, she felt her heart swell. She tried to carefully hold her despite the fact that it felt like she had no energy left in her body. Her arms were trembling under her weight, and a big smile stretched across her lips. Her daughter's eyes were still closed but she was all tuckered into Kagome's arms. This was perfection. This was the kind of moment, she never thought she would have again. Throughout all the pain, the death and the suffering, there was a light at the end of the tunnel and that was her daughter.

Through her she could live again.

She tilted her head and met Sesshomaru's gaze but he was not looking at her. Instead, he was completely mesmerized by their daughter. She held up his attention as he stared at every inch of her face.

This moment was perfection.

-R-

Life in general surprised her.

After all, she expected to die, she expected to suffer. Somehow, she lived through the worst ordeal and she came through to the other side. She was alive. Not only was she alive but she now had a bigger family - with Sesshomaru nonetheless. And if the fact that her life partner ended up being Sesshomaru did not come as a surprise enough, something else surprised her more. He was taking care of everything. She had developed maternal instincts in the past, and she was awake at the first sound. But, somehow, Sesshomaru was up and about a lot quicker than she was.

Actually, it was no surprise. The delivery had left her a little weak. On the plus side, Aiko had been able to remove her bracelet since there was no longer any lingering danger for her or her daughter. It meant her healing might speed up a bit but he did warn her that she adjustment time might be required.

Because of that, every time she tried to get up for her daughter, she found that Sesshomaru had done it before her. If it was a diaper change, it was done. If it was to feed her, than he would avoid her the struggle of getting up and he would bring her their daughter. Of course breastfeeding was a whole other ordeal in itself. Kagome had tried to obtain some help from Aiko but Aiko had turned her down. She somehow felt like it might have something to do with Sesshomaru not wanting him near her bare breasts - despite the fact that he had seen everything while helping her birth their daughter.

But she was too tired to press this issue, and she did not.

It had taken her a few tries but after a few days of trying, she was half convinced that she had it down.

"Here," Sesshomaru said as he handed her their daughter.

The moon was still up high in the sky as she settled into the bed, ready to breastfeed. Her eyes were barely opened by she could operate on instincts alone. Once their daughter was secure in her arms, Sesshomaru retrieve his space in the bed by her side. He had tried to do as much as he could from the beginning. Sometimes, he would see Kagome wince in pain or he would notice one of her muscles trying to flinch. He knew it had been hard for her to not have access to her power and giving birth had taken its toll on her body as well. Although he intended on returning to work, it did not mean that he could not provide help while he was here. He required less sleep than she did and his current employment did not require a working brain.

Her mother would also be coming on monday and he knew that would help Kagome as well. Until then, he would do what he could for her.

Although, there was one thing he wished he knew how to do; bond with his daughter.

Whenever Kagome held her, the child's face would lite up. It was clear that the baby recognized her as her mother and there was a bond slowly forming between the two of them. When he was the one holding the child, he was not receiving the same kind of reaction. Then again, he did not know much about bonding. He had only bonded with Kagome because their mating bond had literally forced it upon him. Was it important to bond with a child? He never had a bond with neither his mother nor his father. He grew up fine regardless. Could a bond truly make a difference? He knew that there might have been some mistakes in his past, but were they truly due to his lack of bonding with his parents?

Perhaps it was sometime that came with time.

He was not sure.

Perhaps it would help once they would name her.

They had yet to talk about a name and Kagome had not brought it up. It led him to assume that she was not set on anything quite yet. He did not wish to rush her, although… their child was there now.

It had come down to this. He had saved her life out of an obligation, and then she had asked to do something in return. And now there they were. They had come full circle. She never owed him for what he did, but he knew she felt like she did. Now, there was no guilt, no debt. They could both technically do as they pleased. Which was already something they could do from the very beginning. Although, they never did that. He thought he would stay away. He thought they would be mere roommates but life took an unexpected turn. And now, they were here, in bed with their newborn daughter.

There was something warm in his chest while he laid beside her as she breastfeed their child. What was this warmth, what was this feeling invading his rib cage?

As of yet, he had not noticed the changes that slowly crept up into his life. When was the last time he had to take care of someone? Rin. It was Rin. She had suffered from his poor parenting skills. Back then, life was different and caring for someone was also different. Rin was also different. She never quite felt like she was human and he was not sure if she was always this way or the fact that he brought her back with his sword changed her. There was no way for him to know. Then again, Rin was not the only peculiar human that he knew. Kagome was on that list too. He wondered how his daughter would turn out to be; like him or like her? She already had her mother's hair, but she did inherit his eyes: two shiny amber eyes. It was his legacy, the one he passed down to her.

He watched, in a trance, as Kagome fed their small child, holding her like she would shatter. He swallowed hard, stifling the burning emotions and he joined them on the bed. His actions caused Kagome to be brought of her thoughts. She gently turned her head to the side and offered him a smile as she gently rubbed their daughter's head.

"You can go to sleep if you want." He had been awake for ever moment, he had helped with everything. But, he did not sleep enough. She knew that he was a youkai and that he did not need as much rest as she did, but it did not mean that he could be reckless with himself. After all, there was a little being that needed him now. She knew that the birth was much harder on her, and that she did need to rest since she would not easily regain her strength, but she could still do certain actions by herself.

Sesshomaru's nose crunched up. "I am fine." His mating to Kagome had allowed him to feel the wide ranges of human weaknesses. He could now easily tell where his breaking point was and he knew he was nowhere near it. "I will be fine."

He wanted to stay here - with the both of them. It was that feeling again, the one he could not explain.

Meanwhile, Kagome's heart was racing. His amber eyes were burning her flesh as he stared at her intensively. She knew he was probably just staring at their child but she somehow felt like her mother skills were being judged. It was insane since Sesshomaru rarely judged her about anything - it was all in her head. She was the one who was judging herself and she was adding an unnecessary burden upon her own shoulders. She needed to let it go. She needed to let go of the control she was unable to have. She did not control anything.

And this little bundle of joy? It was the only thing she had for sure.

-R-

Startled eyes shun in the night, sweat beads rolled down his back, dampening his shirt and glueing it to his skin. His ears twitched and he took in the background noises that surrounded him. It took him a moment to realize that the reason behind his sudden awakening was the cries of his daughter. Before he could even move and rush to her side, he heard a shuffling coming from next to him. He turned around just in time to see Kagome stir from her slumber, her short hair a mess. Her eyes were only half opened as she appeared to be battling the blankets for freedom.

"I got it," she said as she finally managed to pull the blankets away from her body.

"You can rest," he replied as he readied himself to hop off the bed.

"No." Her tone was a little more dry than what he was used to hearing. For a second, he appeared faze, unsure on how to proceed.

He watched, still like a statue, as she walked away from him with tiny wobbly steps. She never even glanced at him again, as though she had not said anything. A feeling sunk in his chest, crisping at his heart. What was this? Why did he want to go with her? Why did he want to be in the same room as them? His fingers crisped around the silk sheets, threatening to rip them apart with his claws. A roaring was forming inside of his chest, his ribs trembling the pressure. He should stay here and wait patiently, after all - Kagome had been adamant. She did not require any assistance from him. He needed to respect her wishes. And yet, the rage building within him refuse to subdue despite the lies he kept telling himself. He tapped his crisped fingers along side the edge of the bed, trying to control the unknown emotions bubbling within him.

Another cry broke the silence.

This time he was unable to control himself, and everything went blur around him as he rushed to the nursery. Inside he found the scenery he expected: Kagome was sitting on a rocking chair, holding their baby daughter. He pinched his lips while his nostrils flared with each breath he took. It took Kagome a second to even acknowledge his presence in the room. After a moment, she tilted her head forward, and finally, their eyes met.

"I'm fine." She did not mean to sound dry but she was feeling attacked. He was attacking her mothering skills. How little faith did he have in her?

"I know," he whispered as he took his first steps in. It was not about her, it was about him. But it was impossible for him to explain what was happening.

He kept closing the distance between himself and his family, and only stopped when he reached Kagome's side. He looked down at his daughter who was fussing in his mate's arms. Finally, as he stared down at her, he felt a calm wave soothing his nerves, cooling his blood. For the first time since he exited their bedroom, he felt his toes uncurl and he finally detached his lips, the color slowly returning to them.

As he was relaxing, Kagome's body was doing the opposite. She tensed up, a layer of sweat building up on her pale skin. She rolled her lips together and avoided his gaze; it was the only way to prevent the shame from forming upon her face. Why was he constantly looming over her? At first, she was quite grateful for his presence, his help, but now she was beginning to think there was something behind the gestures. She already doubted herself enough that she did not need him to let her into his private thoughts. She preferred thinking that he thought highly of her, but his constant presence was ruining that. If he was always watching her, if he never left her alone with their daughter, how could he think highly of her?

Sesshomaru's nose twitched as a new aroma filled in the vicinity; anger and fear. Except it was not coming from him: Kagome was emitting this new scent. He arched a silver eyebrow, he tried to make eye contact with her but her eyes refused to meet his. "Kagome?"

The sound of his soft voice was enough for tears to gather in her eyes. She did not want to cry, she did not want him to see her as even weaker than he already did. Her lips wobbled, her heart raced and she focused her gaze on her daughter's face. Her body shook as he put his hand on her shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"N-nothing." Her lips popped. "I can do this."

If he had been confused before, it was worse now. "Do what?"

"I can take care of her."

"I know." His answer followed her statement without skipping a beat.

His response startled her. If he was not worried about her skills as a mother, why was he constantly hovering over her as if she was about to murder their child? "Then why do you follow me?"

He blinked. He did what? When had he followed her? He could admit that perhaps he was around even when it was unnecessary, but it had nothing to do with her skills as a mother. He already knew that she was an excellent mother and he never once doubted her. Why would she even think such a horrible thought? "You are a good mother. I have not been following you."

"Why are you here?" She was not trying to hurt his feelings, she was not trying to be hurtful. However, part of her could not believe the words he was speaking.

"…"

Because.

Because… he did not know. He did not know why he had to be where she was. He did not know why there was such a pressure in his chest and a tugging in his heart. There was no reason for it, and there was no answer he could provide her with - but - but he could tell her that this had absolutely nothing to do with her. Why was she shouldering the responsibility of his actions? She had done no wrong. She had been more than excellent. He knew how hard the childbirth had been on her and there she was, already moving around by herself and taking care of their daughter as though she felt no pain. He was impressed by her resilience. Then again, he always knew she carried that kind of strength inside of her.

Kagome felt a pain travel through her heart. He could not come up with a lie. He could not even come up with an excuse as to why he refused to leave her alone with their daughter. Of course, he could not say anything. She had hit the jackpot; she had found out the truth. Although, she never thought it was taste so bittersweet. It hurt, it burn. He had no faith in her.

"I do not know."

That answered nothing.

He could smell the shame, the pain, that coated her skin and he found it unpleasing. Again, she was carrying his burden. She had done nothing and yet, she was the one feeling a wide range of negative emotions. Why was that?

"I - I need to be here."

The true meaning of his words was lost on her as only the negative was filtered.

"I want to be near her." The words left an aftertaste in his mouth. It was not as though he did not want her to know that he was happy about their daughter. It was not as though he was ashamed of wanting to see his own daughter. No, it was something else. Deep inside, his words held another meaning, one that he himself could not comprehend.

Her.

They kept calling her a her.

She needed a name.

"You're not watching me?" she asked again.

"Why would I watch you?"

"I'm a bad mother."

Abashed, he leaned backwards. "And at what precise moment did you become a bad mother?" What had she ever done that would lead her to deserve such an adjective?

The only answer she could provide him with was a shrug of the shoulders. Everything? Nothing? Never? Always? Was there even a right answer to that question.

"Kagome, you are not a bad mother." If anything, he was the one who was failing at parenting. Kagome had easily bonded with their daughter and meanwhile, she cried when he held her. Sure, he managed to change the diapers, he managed to bring her to her mother when she cried… but that was it. There was no bond, there was no link between the two of them. All that was left behind was emptiness. He did not know the words that would erase her unwarranted concerns. But he knew there were his own concerns that he could voice.

But how?

Would he not be admitting weakness?

Would he not be admitting defeat?

"I am trying to learn."

It was not what he wanted to say.

It was not the words he should have spoken.

They were half true, they were half comforting but it was not the right thing to say.

Meanwhile, Kagome started at him with her eyes wide open. Sesshomaru was trying to learn? He was trying to learn from her? Then again, by trying to be so independent, she had forgotten that they were in this together. It was alright if they did task together, it was alright if he was part of the process. He had been the one to suggest a child. Perhaps she had been so self centered that she had forgotten about that. Her heart beat for him, and now, now she had this bundle of joy that could truly be hers in ways that Sesshomaru would never be hers. Maybe she had been moving her feeling from one person to another.

"What do you want to know?"

She knew nothing.

Sure, she had help Shippo grow up for a couple of years, but she had been nothing more than a mere child herself. Sesshomaru had real parenting experience since he had taken care of Rin. He was supposed to be the ones with answers while she was the one with the questions. Then again, since the moment she had held her daughter, it had felt right. Despite the nervousness, despite the darkness and the bad thoughts, it somehow felt like it would all turn out okay.

"I am uncertain."

He wanted to know how to be closer to his daughter. But he did not know how to ask that. Had he ever been close to his own parents? No he had not.

"A name could be a start," she teased.

She remained uneasy, hoping that he had spoken the truth about her. She had failed in many things during her short life and she had no desire to add motherhood to that list. If she was doing this, she wanted to do it right. Of course, there would be hurdles along the way but it did not mean that it could not be done. She needed to believe in something, she needed a light in the darkness. Her love for Sesshomaru would always be one sided, an arrangement. But this love, this love could be true, pure and most of all, it could be returned to her.

"Do you have any ideas?" he asked as his eyes traveled between Kagome and his daughter.

A name would help. He could begin with that. Perhaps it was the missing piece.

"Natsuki."

It represented the moon, the one missing from her forehead - the one Sesshomaru was hiding, along with hope. Because this was what their daughter represented; she was hope for the both of them. She held them together in the same way their bond did. They were honouring commitment, and bonds.

"Natsuki."

He had never pondered children's names. He never thought it would come along. It rolled off his tongue nicely, and the underlying meaning was not lost upon him. He watched Kagome smile down at their daughter, a light glistening upon her face. They did not know much about her. Was she more youkai or was she more miko? Perhaps she was neither. She had yet to have any markings, although those could come later - or not at all. But, she was theirs.

"I do not mind it," he finally answered.

"Then I guess we have a name."

It was effortless, it was easy.

Kagome bent down and pressed a kiss to her daughter's head. She inhaled her diving smell, letting herself be surrounded by Natsuki's presence. It was soothing. "Help?" She was going to believe Sesshomaru, she was going to trust that he was trying to get his bearings with their daughter. She detached her daughter from her chest and slowly offered her to Sesshomaru.

Plus, she could indeed use the help. It was one thing to plop herself down on a chair, it was another to get up without being able to use her arms. She had regained much of her strength but she was not willing to jeopardize her daughter's life. It was best if she obtained a little bit of help.

Sesshomaru nodded and retrieved the child from Kagome's arms. He held her like he did so many times before, and it always felt the same - something was missing. He held her close to his chest as he watched Kagome rise to her feet. She offered him a smile as she walked towards the crib. Now that they had managed to calm her, she would probably be able to catch a few hours of sleep. Although, she had long given up on ever having a normal night of sleep again. Sesshomaru followed behind her and once he reached the crib, he gently deposited Natsuki inside of it.

This void.

How was Kagome so effortlessly obtaining a reaction out of their daughter?

How was it so easy for her to obtain what he could not get?

He was bonded to Kagome through an unbreakable bond. He would never go against the promise he made. But, would he have ever been attached to her without it? Did this mean it was impossible for him to for a bond?

Could he not feel enough to create a relationship with his own daughter?

-R-