THIRTY-FIVE

Broken Hills, mine entrance

September 24th

12:49

To Lara, Cassidy looked twenty years younger as he took point and headed off into the mine, his Benelli aimed at the darkness, and him spouting strategic talk and instructions to Phyllis and Chris. Lara couldn't help but smile as Phyllis looked back and made a face.

"C'mon, Lysanna, let's get started."

Lysanna mechanically followed Lara back to the town. The mine was only a hundred meters off, and the shacks of Broken Hills were visible from the entrance.

"Right," Lara said with a sigh as they reached the buildings. "Any idea where to look?"

Lysanna raised her head briefly, looked at Lara and the lowered her head again.

"You are not going to be boring all day, are you?"

Lysanna shrugged weakly.

"Fine," Lara said curtly. "Be that way."

She looked around Broken Hills, looking for a place where someone could possibly hide so many bodies. Theoretically, any house, any cellar was a decent hiding place, but she had no intention to search through every house in the town, and she guessed Lysanna wouldn't be too much help either. So she'd have to stick to the few logical places she could think of. The large building in the center of town looked to be one of those. A resident had told them that was the power plant, where uranium slugs from the mine were processed and supplied Broken Hills with energy. A power plant would be a good place to hide bodies. The feeling that this whole stupid search for a bunch of stupid idiots was bullshit rose up from inside her, but she pushed it back down. Fact was, they were almost out of cash, and money had to come from somewhere.

She tossed her cigarette on the street (she should really quit some time) and went into the power plant, Lysanna following silently.

"Help ya?" a ghoul wearing a lab coat grated at her.

"Yeah, I was just hoping I could take a look around."

The ghoul shrugged. "Sure, knock yourself out. Just don't head into the core, smoothskin. The rads there will boil you like an egg."

"Thanks for the advice."

The noise inside the power plant was deafening at times, and after a few rounds inside the building, Lara sighed and hissed, "Fuck." This was crazy. Those people could be anywhere, and Lysanna was no help either.

Lara abruptly turned, took Lysanna's shoulders and pushed her down on an office chair that apparently belonged to nobody.

"Look here, girl," she snapped angrily. "I'm getting sick of your shit. I don't know what happened last night, but fuck, it's about time you opened your god damn mouth!"

Lysanna looked back at her. He eyes seemed to say, I'm trying.

"Well, try harder," Lara barked. "Cause right now you're nothing but ballast!"

Lysanna's mouth moved, as if she was just learning how to speak.

Lara grabbed another office chair, rolled it toward Lysanna and sat down opposite her, her arms crossed on the back of the chair. "Lysanna," she said, more gently this time, "whatever it was, you have to tell somebody. We've known each other for a while now, longer than the others. We've been through a lot together, and whatever it is, you can trust me, right?"

Lysanna's mouth kept moving.

"What happened, Lysanna? What caused you to retreat so deep inside yourself?"

"There… were men." It looked like it cost her great effort to speak.

"Men?"

"Three… men. They…"

Lara moved her face closer to Lysanna and looked her in the eyes. "Men? Did they do something to you, sweetie?"

Lysanna's head went up and down slowly.

"Did they…" Lara knew she'd have to be extremely careful with the question. "Did they rape you, Lysanna?"

Her head went from side to side. Lara breathed a sigh of relief.

"They… looked like machines."

"Machines?"

"Men… inside machines."

Men inside machines? What did that mean? Then she realized. "Lysanna, was it armor? Were they wearing armor?"

Head up and down. "They… killed a child. Shot her… right there." Her hands feebly motioned at the ground in front of her.

Lara frowned. She could imagine that seeing a child getting killed was traumatic, but was that what had made her shut herself in like that?

"Did they hurt you?"

Lysanna didn't reply. Her eyes went back to the ground.

"Lysanna, did they hurt you?"

Her eyes went back up, looking into Lara's. "They wanted to… but I… they… they didn't because… because…"

"Because?"

Tears welled up in Lysanna's eyes, and a waterfall of words tumbled out, rapid-firing out of her mouth. "They didn't kill me because I begged because I begged for my life I cried and I pleaded not to kill me like a god damn coward I begged and cried and crawled in the sand saying please don't kill me please don't kill me please don't kill me and when they shot that girl I didn't do a thing to stop them all I could think was I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared – " And suddenly she stopped again, closing her mouth and hiding her face in her hands. A loud sob made her hitch, only once.

Despite how strange it seemed, Lara knew this was what had caused her to snap shut. So she'd closed herself up because she hated herself for what happened. She opened her mouth to say something, but Lysanna spoke out of her own volition. "Whenever you hear stories," she said, her voice muffled by her hands, "it's always about people being heroic and not being afraid, but when I should have been brave, I was afraid." Another sob went through her. "I always thought that if it came to that, if I looked down the barrel of a gun, I'd be proud and say something… I don't know, something defiant. And all I could do was beg." She wiped away her tears and wiped her nose with her sleeve. "I'm a coward, Lara. I was scared and I hate myself."

Lara cleared her throat. Delicate touch needed. "First off, Lysanna, stories are bullshit. People don't act that way. Nobody has a gun barrel set against his head and then says something cool. And second, there's nothing wrong with being afraid."

Lysanna sniffed wetly. "Yes there is. People like you and Cassidy, they aren't afraid. They don't beg for their lives, like… like…"

Lara shook her head. "Sweetie, don't listen to people who say that courage is about not feeling fear. That's bullshit. Courage isn't the absence of fear. The only people who know no fear are lunatics and fools. Courage is about feeling fear, and being brave despite of it. Don't be ashamed because you were afraid."

"Well, even if what you say is true, I was still a coward. I was afraid and it was stronger than me."

"So? Lara said, as casually as she could. "We've all been afraid, and we've all given into it sometimes."

Lysanna snorted.

"Look, don't tell anybody about this, but…" Lara leaned in conspiratorially and looked around the room to see if no one was there to listen in, and then she said, "in the beginning, after my brother was… well, you know… I wanted revenge more than anything right? And so I reunited my brother's old gang, and all I wanted to do was get back at Tyler. But when he heard about my plans, he paid me a visit. It was back when I was stupid enough to sleep without anyone there to keep an eye out, and suddenly he was in my room, and I woke up looking at his gun, his hand clamped over my mouth. He warned me that if I wanted to end like my brother, he'd kill me slowly, but not before he'd let all his boys… you know."

Lysanna tried to wipe her nose with her sleeve again, but Lara grimaced, grabbed her wrist and handed her a tissue. "Anyway," she went on, "I went ahead and got my brother's old group together anyway, and… well, you know the rest."

Lysanna dropped the dirty tissue on the ground, uncaring where it fell, and said, "And what's this have to do with me?"

Lara leaned in even closer, her eyes narrowing. "Well, if you tell anyone about this, I'll kill you, but…" her eyes went left and right again, "when Tyler sat on top of me, threatening me and pushing his gun against my temple, I…" she sighed, "well, I peed myself and my entire bed."

Lysanna's eyes went wide in disbelief, and Lara looked embarrassed. "Funny huh? I pissed the mattress."

"Did… did Tyler realize?"

Lara laughed uncomfortably. "I sure as Hell hope not."

Lysanna suddenly burst into laughter, and despite the embarrassment, Lara couldn't help but smile with her.

"I'm sorry," Lysanna said, hitching with laughter and again hiding her face in her hands. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be laughing."

"It's okay," Lara said quietly. "I suppose it's pretty funny. So anyway, next time you're ashamed of yourself for being scared, remember this story."

Lysanna slowly stopped laughing. "I still hate myself for it, y'know."

"Come on. If there were three people with guns to your head, you'd have to be a pretty big jackass to actually act tough. You're not a jackass, are you?"

Lysanna smiled faintly. "No, I guess not."

"Well then? Would they have kept you alive if you'd told them to fuck off?"

"Definitely not."

"Then what're you upset about? Your pride's hurt, but you're alive, right?"

Lysanna shrugged. "It's better to die proudly than to live like a coward."

"Oh, yeah, I love that one! Listen, Lysanna, the people who say this are usually the biggest cowards around. And those that actually live by it, are underground a long time already. You saved your own life, you should be proud of yourself."

"I don't know, Lara," Lysanna sighed. "But I'm happy I managed to talk about it. I… I don't know why I get this way. It's like I want to speak, but my mind and my body are separated from each other."

Lara frowned. "We'll need to watch that. It's happened before, so I don't think it's just a one-time thing."

"Yeah, that's what I'm worried about too."

Lara got up and pushed her chair away. "Anyway, you're with us again now, so let's go back to work, how 'bout that?"

Lysanna nodded, but Lara knew that something had changed inside Lysanna. She somehow looked smaller, shaken. Reduced, somehow. And Lara knew what Lysanna would say when she'd had the time to sort out her feelings. It might mean the end of their travels together.