Warheads

by ExecutiveShrimp

Post-war fic, 2x1: Duo and Heero try to become more than comrades in their attempt to be normal young men. They settle down but find that peacetime is difficult to adjust to and with only each other to rely on, it is a struggle, especially for Heero.

36. PXXXVI: Before the dawn

Jisa: I'm glad you did :) I hope you will love this chapter too :)

Ja'aku: I'm sorry for the cliffhanger and I'm sorry it took so long to continue, it was kind of a momentous chapter so I had to take my time. Thank you for reviewing, I hope the wait was worth it.

Snodragonct: This is the chapter where it is "all said and done" so your questions will be answered :) Thank you for reviewing.

Starless-Ocean: I'm sorry! :S This chapter will finally bring an end to my evil cliffhanger. Don't worry, it's not your fault Heero threw up :P I've had that part of the story in my mind quite vividly since I wrote the very first chapter, so there was nothing that caused it, nor was there anything that could have prevented it :P Thank you for reviewing :)

Nikki: Wow, thank you, I hope someday I will be able to write my own story with success :) I'm glad you understand that my characters do not represent me, I do worry that others do. I think it's also because a lot of author's on FFN do write themselves into the story. Of course there is no avoiding that, to a certain extent, but I never write anyone like myself, that's just... irrelevant :P School is going very well, thank you for asking :) It's a bit of a hard balance though, somedays I write too much and do too little for school and other days I do so much for school I write too little and that bugs me too :P Thank you so much for reviewing, I hope you will enjoy this chapter!

Muchacha: Thank you for reviewing :) Sorry this chapter took so long, I hope you will enjoy it :)

Hikaru Itsuko: I'm sorry it took so long, it was not my intention, but between school and the huge responsibility of this important chapter, it took me a while. I hope it was worth the wait. Thank you so much for reviewing :)

CircleKV12: I know, I'm horrible. I guess every author one day has to succumb to "The Cliffhanger" :P I understand what your saying, but personally I don't feel it was out of place for the story, I feel it was out of place for real world psychologists and I did not write her like that to begin with. I don't like writing "perfect" people (perhaps with the exception of Sookie) so I wrote Nettle with a flaw that I think makes her character a bit more interesting and adds some drama to the story as well. I figured her as someone who has been praised in her line of work to such an extreme extent, that she asserts more control over people's lives than is appropriate in her profession. It was a discussion we had at school once and I thought it was interesting. And the same goes for Duo, he can't be perfect either, but I understand that that might be something that is not as much appreciated. Sorry this update took so long, but I hope it was worth the wait. Thank you for reviewing :)

KenshinnXX: Well since you like long replies... :P I'm very glad to hear you are doing well and I hope that in the future you will be doing even better :) I just wanted to be really careful and make sure that everybody knew that Duo is not my voice in the story, since anti-depressants are often a delicate subject and the last thing anybody needs is some anonymous author on FFN criticizing them in her chapters. Duo is just an imperfect person, like we all are.

One thing I do find interesting, which is not necessarily directed at you, but a general observation, is that during this story a couple of people have commented that Duo is too perfect (too understanding, too kind, too patient), especially considering his young age and the life he has suffered. Now that he finally does make a mistake (which I think is very real and human and ultimately unavoidable) some people have been very unsympathetic towards him. Haha, I feel sort of sad for the poor fella :P But it is my own fault, I had hoped it would be clear that when Heero came home with the pills, all that pent up frustration and tension, that has been building for 34 chapters long, just erupted, in which case I think his (over)reaction is quite understandable.

Brochures are definitely designed to create a big scare, they list all these side effects most of which you will never experience. They've just become really long and really scary disclaimers... Haha, it's good that Nettle impressed you, I wanted her to be like this super shrink, but because she has gotten so good she has also become very arrogant. I like writing twisted people, in case that wasn't clear yet :P Though you must take into account that she has been talking to Heero twice a week, for several weeks at that point, so most of her information she gathered through him.

As is probably clear by the end of the chapter, I have not taken First Aid nor CPR training (which is really bad, I know) :P Certainly seems like something Duo should have known... hmmm... can we just blame it on stress? :P Anyway, I needed him to turn him back onto his back or the rest of the scene would have appeared a little weird to me...

In any case, I hope you liked the chapter and I hope you will like this one. Thank you for reviewing :)

TheSpaz: You have certainly managed to hold your breath for a long time :P I'm sorry it took me so long, I hope it will be worth the wait though :S Thank you for reviewing :)

Cynthia Joy Finnegan: I'm sorry... I'm evil. Thanks for leaving a comment :)

Sue: Sorry to cause you worry and to leave you hanging for as long as I have :S Haha, know-it-all bitch was definitely what I was going for, so I'm glad that translated :P And I think the paper went well but at this moment I am still anxiously awaiting my grade so :S Wow, even two reviews, I'm honored :) Ah yes The Phone... :P It does mean something, so good call (no one else mentioned it), but it does not mean what you think. You'll see in this chapter. Thank you for reviewing (twice!) :)

[nameless]: To start: luckily your phone did space all the words :P I think at this point everyone agrees Nettle deserves to die a painful death, even though she wasn't necessarily wrong :P But I'm glad that even though your mad at Duo, you understand him too and feel for him :) Sorry to have made you cry though and sorry this update took so long :S In any case: thank you so much for taking the time to review, I hope you will like this chapter :)

r: I know... I shamefully apologize... But wow, I am so honored that you like Sookie so much. If you do decide to do fanart for her I'd be honored beyond words, really, no joke, that is so awesome. I'd be curious to see it too :) Uhm... then I hope to kill more catgirls... if that is a good thing... :P Thank you for reviewing, I really hope you will enjoy this update.

ladymaxwell02: Aw, thank you that is such a kind thing to say. Thank you so much for reviewing again, I hope you will like this chapter too.

Dragon1727: Thank you *blushes* :) I am very sorry though that it took me this long to update, I did not expect that, but because it is obviously a very important chapter to the story, I really had to take my time and unfortunately schoolwork didn't leave me with much time to spare. I'm not sure if knowing beforehand what will happen will be a good way to approach the chapter, but if you really must know before you get into it, there is a little hint for you in the Author's Note (of the wink v. sad face kind). I just figured that doing it that way you can just scroll down and not read the A/N in case you had changed your mind. Thank you very much for reviewing! :)

LolaWhite: Thank you for taking the time to review all of the chapters, that is really kind :) I'm sorry the chapters have all been so sad and hard on our favorite pilots. Though, on a positive note: this chapter is not the final chapter, after this there will also be one big epilogue and one tiny epilogue to wrap everything up :) But thank you again for reviewing, I hope you will enjoy this chapter :)

CaramelAriana: Thank you for taking the time to review twice :) I'm very glad to hear you are enjoying the story! Thank you so much for all your nice compliment :)

Emilinia-Sama: My apologies for the cliffhanger :S This update is late but I hope still soon enough. Thank you so much for leaving a review :)

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Author's note:

Thank you for making the previous chapter the most reviewed chapter. I was really happy with all of your positive responses. Thank you for reviewing and reading this story :)

I'm sorry the update took this long. But as you might understand, I really had to take my time with this chapter, it's sort of important :P Lengthy too...

To compensate for the mother of all cliffhangers, I present to you, the mother of all chapters, by far the longest to date and even though maybe I should have, I decided not to split it. It is over 50 pages and over 25.000 words long 0.0

Also, just to avoid any confusion because I sucked so badly at predicting how many more chapters there would be, because I kept splitting them up: Though this is the final "chapter", it is not the final part of the story. After this will follow an epilogue and finally a brief endnote to wrap everything up (like a miniature epi-epilogue :P) :) So this is not the end... ;)

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Warheads

Part XXXVI - Before the dawn

I have never been fatally wounded. Now, during a time of peace after a lifetime of battle, I have finally learned what it feels like... to die.

In the hospital reigned a silent sense of solitude as Death wandered through the stretching corridors, curiously peeking into rooms and startling hopeful family members and loved ones in their vigil with his sudden cold presence. When the patients time has yet to come, he moves on and he leaves people relieved. When it is time, he leaves them heartbroken.

In this way every hospital is alike, all over the world and even the colonies. The inventive hand of the architect is strong as he designs and draws different lobbies, different hallways and different hospital rooms, creating marvels with charcoal and paper first, then with concrete, iron and glass. But the hand of Death overpowers his creativity and fills those lobbies, those hallways and those hospital rooms with the same mortality and fear. Rendering all hospitals akin building as he renders all hospital-goers - patients, loved ones and staff - akin.

Death stains the crisp, clean whiteness of the hospital. He stains it with dark shadows and falling tears.

Silly thing for the God of Death to be fearing Death. "God of" always alluded to me having some sort of superior, controlling power over this universal entity of Death. This self-proclaimed title was misleading, deceptive to others and eventually - I realized, deceptive to myself. During my days as the God of Death it is true that I had some control over who dies; the corrupt senator, the destructive engineer, the faceless soldier in the disadvantaged Mobile Suit. The power to decide who wasn't going to die, was never mine; the homeless boys on the streets of L2, the generous priest of the orphanage. It is a bitter sweetness that accompanied me in watching many people exhale their last breath. People who I could not save from Death, people whose death I could only avenge with more death. This, as it now dawns on me, does not make the God of Death, but his puppet and as much at his mercy as any other soul.

The fear of losing someone, someone so important to you, is like experiencing a death within yourself.

I could not keep myself from dying and I could not keep the person I love most from dying. Certain powers are just not supposed to lie in mortal hands. Now my hands are empty.

I stared at them. I stared at my useless hands.

The hospital waiting room was silent except for the hum of the air conditioning and the clicking of a keyboard in the nurse's station. I was alone except for a single other man. He was seated far away from me. He had been there since I arrived, though I didn't remember how many minutes or hours ago that was. He was a mirror image of me, as defeated and helpless as I was. His fingers are entwined, as one would position his hands in prayer. With dull and sore eyes I watched him and wondered for whom his prayers were intended.

I frowned at rays of sunlight creating shapes on the tiled floor. It took a long time before there is the realization: it is morning. Stupid thing is, the next thing that was brought to my attention, amidst the scattered thoughts crawling through my mind, was that I was thirsty. So I stood on legs that trembled with weakness and cramps from spending a night in that plastic chair and with effortful steps I walked over to the water cooler, pouring myself a drink in one of the provided plastic cups. I got a second cup, filled it and walked it over to the man seated near the windows, whereas I had preferred a seat close to the back door, leading into the hospital, beyond which they had taken Heero.

My throat was still dry so my voice croaked when I said: "Here."

He looked up, his eyes tired, as tired as I imagined mine to be. He expressed his gratitude with a courteous nod and accepted the cup, taking a tiny sip.

I walked back over to my own seat. I looked at the doors to my left, through which they had taken Heero, hours ago. I wasn't allowed to with him, male nurses stopped both me and Sookie from following his lifeless body that they rolled to the back on a gurney, an oxygen mask covering his mouth and nose. It was explained to us why we couldn't go back there, something about the hospital being temporarily understaffed. My response had been something along the lines of "fuck you", that didn't make them more sympathetic to my cause. I was instructed to "wait here" and was deposited in the exact same seat in which I was still sitting.

Sookie stayed with me for a long time, trying to draw words or any sign of consciousness out of me, but all I could do was stare into thin air. As it started getting really late, she told me with a pained voice and obvious reluctance that she had to go, her grandparents needed her, especially her grandmother, it had been her responsibility to take care of her while she was mostly incapacitated, as her grandfather was too weak to be of much help.

It was the first time I had said anything. I told her it was okay. I told her to go.

She stayed with me for several more minutes, troubled by the thought of leaving me all alone in the quiet hospital, waiting for some sort of news, but eventually she knew she had to go. I remembered her kissing me on my cheek and telling me that everything would be okay and that she would come back as soon as possible.

I thought I could handle it by myself, but as the night had crept on, I realized I couldn't. Doctors and nurses were ignoring me and I couldn't find the right words to express my urgency to see him, or to at least hear how he was doing. All anyone could tell me was that they were understaffed and that they would keep me updated, but no one ever gave me update about anything. Getting angry wasn't the solution either. When I had started getting rude due to frustration with an elderly nurse a security guard had approached me from behind and threatened to escort me out of the building if I didn't settle down. I started cursing at him too, so angry that no one would listen to me, no one would talk to me. My fists had been white knuckled at my side and the guard must have seen them and recognized them as the threat of violence they were. The big man had grabbed me by my arm and dragged me out through the main entry of the lobby. He seated me on a bench outside and warned me I would be arrested if I tried to come back in. Then he left me there.

I had no intention of giving up, but even in my clouded state of mind I had recognized I'd best calm myself before attempting to go back in. I would be doing no one a favor if I ended up spending the night in jail.

Five minutes later a young nurse with a pink cardigan wrapped around herself had walked up to me and kneeled before me and she was to first to see and acknowledge my pain, making its way down my cheeks in the form of tears. Upon promising I would stay calm, she had guided me back inside. I had settled back into my seat and she had knelt before me and asked: "Is there anyone I can call?"

To my surprise, I had answered: "Yeah."

I closed my eyes, the bright sunlight created a stinging pain in my tired, red orbs. I wish I could sleep but I knew only nightmares awaited me. When images started flashing behind my closed eyelids, the vision of Heero lying limp on the kitchen floor, the smear of blood and his pale, yellow complexion my eyes shot open. I squinted at the light. The tall glass facade of the lobby allowed no protection from the brightness of a new day. But I would prefer dark and ominous clouds and strikes of thunder, to echo the mood and despair within myself.

The automatic doors slid open with a whir and my eyes were immediately drawn to the activity.

They appeared as three black silhouettes at first and for a while they didn't even seem real, their footfalls so soft on the tiled floor, but when they neared I could see their faces and the compassion and worry in their expression. The shortest of the three quickened his pace, leaving the other two behind as he rushed towards me. I rose out of my seat just in time to have him practically fall against me and hug me tighter than I have ever been hugged. The others caught up and I felt two hands on my shoulders in a comforting gesture.

"I sorry." I whispered into blond hair. "I didn't know who else to call."

"Of course! I'm glad you called... I mean... You should know we will always be here for you!" His arms, wrapped around me, gave me one final, tight squeeze before he let me go and took a step back. Quatre's face was riddled with concern and his eyes wet with imminent tears. Trowa and WuFei were two pillars of strength standing on either side of him and even though their eyes held worry, seeing them in their ever tall and strong form gave me the first spark of confidence since last night.

"I'm so sorry about the things I said and did last time." Quatre apologized with rushed, breathless words.

I shook my head. "I'm sorry too. Don't worry about it." This is the way it had always been between me and Quatre, even Heero had managed to notice. We could yell and make angry eyes at each other, but for some reason none of the hurtful things we could say to each other was ever insurmountable.

He seemed relieved but he could muster no smile, considering the situation we were in.

"Where is everybody?" WuFei asked with his strict, deep voice, looking around himself and spotting only one nurse and the man by the window still working on the cup of water I had given him.

"I don't know." I expressed desperately. "They said something about the hospital being understaffed, but I couldn't really focus on what they were saying."

Quatre laid a hand on my shoulder. "Of course, don't worry about it." He turned to Trowa and asked him: "Will you please ask around, see what is going on exactly?"

As stoic as I am used to seeing him, Trowa only nodded and then walked away towards the nurse's station. The nurse hadn't been very receptive to my questions but the vision of a new attractive face paired with the sheer length of his physique drew her attention to the window. I couldn't hear what they were saying but Trowa, though his face remained entirely impassive, revealed himself as quite the ladies' man, reducing her to giggles and giving him all the answers he wanted.

"The woman has no shame." WuFei commented and looked away as if embarrassed for her.

Quatre ignored the entire scene and kept his attention directed at me. "Do you know anything?"

I shook my head. "They haven't told me anything." I sat down, remembering how tired my body was.

Quatre sat down next to me. "What happened?" He inquired carefully.

I sighed and buried my face in my hands.

"You don't have to tell me." He assured kindly and sympathetically.

"No, it's fine, it's just... hard." I looked at him poignantly.

Quatre nodded and placed a soothing hand on my knee.

"We had a fight." I started. "Heero has been seeing a Preventer psychologist for a while now and yesterday she gave him a bottle of anti-depressants to take. I completely overreacted, I was just upset and... I didn't think any of it through... I just started yelling at him." My voice was filled with self-loathing. "He still wanted to take them, he thought- he hoped they could help with his pain. I was so selfish, all I could do was blame him for not being good enough. And even though he begged me not to, I left..." I looked at Quatre desperately. "I left." I emphasized.

There was no judgment to be found in Quatre's aquamarine eyes.

"When I came back, after talking to a friend of mine who made me realize how goddamn stupid and selfish I had been... I found him lying on the kitchen floor..." I sniffed, feeling tears welling up even though after a night of crying I didn't want to cry and didn't think that I could. "Passed out... I don't know how many pills he took but he took too many... He tried to kill himself... Because of me, because I'm such a jerk!"

"Couldn't it have been an accident?" Quatre tried. The hand that lay on my knee trembled lightly, reflecting the quiver in his bottom lip.

Trowa, in the meantime, had joined us again but he waited for me to finish.

I snorted. "It's Heero, Quatre... he doesn't do accidents." I wish it was an accident but over the course of the night it had started to dawn on me that that possibility was too slim for me too hope for.

He looked down, maybe realizing the same thing. He released a breath and then looked up at his boyfriend. "What did she say?"

"Apparently there has been some sort of high speed train crash a few miles North and most of the doctors, nurses and paramedics have been sent on site to deal with the injured." Trowa dutifully relayed. "Only a small amount of the staff has stayed here. All non-critical cases have been redirected to other hospitals but they still have their hands full, they don't have the man-power to look after visitors."

"This is just ridiculous." WuFei exclaimed, his fists clenched at his sides. "They should at least make time to let us know how he is doing." His voice was seething and he cast a glare over his shoulder at the nurse in the station. She promptly shut the frosted window.

Trowa nodded. "That is exactly what I said. The nurse was understanding, she has paged Heero's doctor for us. I am hoping he will be here soon with news."

Quatre reached for Trowa's hand. "Thank you. You are amazing."

"Yeah, thanks man." I echoed with a hoarse voice.

"No problem. You have been waiting long enough." He said adamantly.

"Hell, I've been waiting long enough and I've only been here for five minutes." WuFei spoke impatiently.

Quatre turned back to me. "I'm sorry it took us so long to get here."

I shook my head. "I am actually surprised you got here so soon."

"Well, Trowa and I were on L1 for business, so it was a shorter flight and WuFei was already on his way to earth for Preventer business. We ran into each other in the parking lot outside."

I nodded, I felt lucky that they had been relatively close by. If Quatre and Trowa had been on L4, they wouldn't have been able to come here for a long time, with only two or three shuttles leaving L4 for Earth everyday and the spaceflight itself being close to fourteen hours. I was also glad Quatre had taken the initiative to contact WuFei as well. I had never really built any sort of relationship with the fifth Gundam Pilot and so I didn't know how to contact him, but it was good to have him here, to support Heero. Heero always spoke of WuFei with great respect, leading me to think he might appreciate his presence here as well.

Trowa settled in the seat next to Quatre and I could see them holding hands. I was happy for them, but at the same time a needle-sharp pain stung my heart.

WuFei remained standing, with his arms folded across his chest, glaring at the decorative exotic plants and the modern art on the walls, occasionally averting his eyes to glance at his wristwatch. I wondered if he was thinking the same thing I had, that all that stuff is just a facade which fails to hide that this is just another hospital where some people come to be healed and some people come to die. The impressive arching steel structure that supports the towering glass panes of the lobby has no impact on Death, nor do the plants imported from South America.

We waited together in silence. Waiting for the doctor to appear. All of us were lost in our thoughts, hopes and prayers, wishing the news that we will receive will be merciful.

When a doctor came, he approached the man at the window. His lips moved with whispers that were inaudible at the distance.

Suddenly, the silence was broken.

The faint sound of a plastic cup hitting the tiled floor and water spilling, spreading across the floor, like tears spread across the man's face. His whole body started shaking and then the sobs came, almost violently.

The doctor stood in front of him, his coat a crisp angelic white even though he was a bringer of bad news, the news of death. He made an awkward attempt to consolidate the heartbroken man, placing a large pale hand on his shaking, slumped shoulder.

"How...? How...?" The man tried to ask through his streaming tears and overpowering sobs and eventually he settled on a wailing: "Why?"

The doctor shook his head, he had no answer that could offer any comfort. He waved the nurse over, the kind nurse in the pink cardigan that had been crushing on Trowa only minutes before. Her face was compassionate and reflected the man's pain. Slowly she guided him out of his seat. The poor man could barely stand, let alone walk, but he managed with tiny steps, his whole posture hunched over, his limbs trembling. She directed him around the puddle of water, so he wouldn't slip and led him through a door next to the nurse's station to a more private place.

His cries kept echoing back to me.

After a moment of regaining his composure, the doctor turned and walked towards me.

I felt frozen and I couldn't feel my heart beating anymore.

I am next. I thought.

My stomach churned with each step that he took towards me. He seemed to be moving in slow motion, going slower and slower still as he came near me. My eyes darted to the door through which the man had disappeared. The cup and the water was still on the floor.

The grip of Quatre's hand on my knee strengthened, he too felt the tension of fear.

With only a few more steps between the doctor, myself and heartbreak - I imagined - Quatre turned back to me, looked at my pale face, drenched of all blood and color and told me in a soft: "Everything is going to be alright." Even though I could read in his eyes that he was miserably unconvinced of his own words.

"Duo Maxwell?" The doctor scanned our faces. "Is one of you Duo Maxwell, who brought in Heero Yuy?"

Sookie must have been sane enough to tell the staff our names when we got here last night. Just as she had been the one not too much out of her mind to think to bring the bottle of pills so the doctors knew exactly what and how much he had taken. The doctor produced the bottle she had handed to him from the depths of the pocket of his coat.

I couldn't say anything. Let him think one of the others is Duo Maxwell and let him offer him his meaningless apologetic looks and rehearsed hand on their shoulder.

But Quatre, though free of ill-intentions, betrayed me. He patted my shoulder and said to the doctor: "This is Duo. We are also here for Heero, we're his friends."

He looked at all of us and blinked nervously underneath the strength of WuFei's glare.

"Well?" WuFei demanded impatiently. "We have waited long enough, don't you think?"

I was just the mute shrinking in his seat. Suddenly I no longer felt the rush that I had felt before. It dawned on me that it might be much more merciful to leave me unknowing in the waiting room, than to obliterate all hope. Denial was a good friend of mine.

"Yes of course." The tall doctor turned towards me. On his ashen face the tiniest of smiles appeared.

"I have good new for you." He said.

This is when my heart started beating again.

"Your friend is going to be okay." The doctor said to all of us and Quatre audibly sighed next to me.

He reached out his hand and handed me the bottle of pills.

I didn't take it from him, I didn't want to hold it, I didn't even want to look at it. My breaths were shaky on inhale and exhale and I tried to calm the myriad of feelings that overwhelmed me. He is going to be okay, I repeated to myself. He is going to be okay.

Quatre reached out and accepted the bottle on my behalf, cradling it in his hand in his lap, as I heard the rattle of the pills again as the bottle was moved around, I felt sick to my stomach. I vaguely registered WuFei inquiring demandingly: "When can we see him?" He asked it in a tone to which only the answer "right away" would be suitable, but the doctor disappointed all of us by informing we would have to wait a little longer. I imagine it was WuFei's intense glare that made him promise to send a nurse to escort us to Heero's room as soon as one had some time to spare.

The doctor pivoted on his heels and started to walk away, leaving us all quiet and dazed. But I suddenly rose out of my seat, at about his fourth or fifth step, ignoring the feeling of light-headedness. To the back of his head I said: "There is something I have to know."

The doctor turned back to face me, his eyebrows raised in expectation. He was going to make me ask.

I stepped up to him, feeling uncomfortable voicing my question any louder than I would absolutely have to, even though there was no one else present in the waiting room to overhear. I swallowed, staring into his eyes. His eyes were tired too, but a different kind of tired, a kind to which I was not sympathetic. As I tried to form words, the image of Heero on the kitchen floor assaulted me and I could still feel his dried blood on my hands even though in the night Sookie had returned from the bathroom with moist paper towels and had dutifully and attentively cleaned it off. I have never had worse blood on my hands. I would not soon forget what it felt like.

I saw the impatience in the doctors eyes as I struggled with words and sentences and I realized I would have to be quick or he would leave me without answers again. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to know the answer - I had a strong feeling I already did - but I finally voiced my question: "This was a suicide attempt, wasn't it?"

The doctor seemed only slightly taken aback by my blunt choice of words. He started very politically correct: "It is impossible to exclude that possibility."

I felt Quatre's presence next to me, but I wished he had left the bottle of pills in his seat. I had heard it rattle as he walked up to me and the sound just had a physical effect on me.

"However," the doctor surprised us all by continuing, "I presume this incident to be an unfortunate accident."

There was no thought in my mind other than: Is he lying to me? I was just too shocked and understandably pessimistic to instantly take his words as true, even though they offered a welcome escape for the torment I had been going through.

As to be expected, Quatre was the one, of the four of us, to voice our thoughts. "An accident?" He wrapped his arm around mine, either offering me support or seeking it, I didn't know. His tone of voice was shocked but hopeful at the same time. Personally, I feared I couldn't afford to be hopeful anymore.

Diabolic as it may have been, I sincerely expected the tall doctor to laugh curtly and say: "No, no, I was just kidding. Man, you should have seen your faces! Of course he tried to off himself!"

I blinked to erase his mocking expression from my mind.

In reality, this is what he said: "Protriptyline++ is a very tricky drug when it comes to dosage. As a particularly strong anti-depressant and a tricylic anti-depressant on top of that we see a lot of accidental overdoses and aside from your surprised reaction I have no reason to believe this case is any different."

"That doesn't mean anything to me." WuFei expressed with apparent annoyance. "What does that mean?"

"I'm sorry. Let me explain: the fact that it is a strong anti-depressant usually calls for a preliminary phase in which the dosage is set quite low. During this phase a person is desensitized to the effects of the drug and then the dosage is increased to a more helpful dosage, this is necessary to avoid a too strong, toxic reaction at the start of use. This is the case with Protriptyline++. Also, all tricylic anti-depressants have a narrow therapeutic index, meaning that the therapeutic dose is very close to a toxic dose." The doctor reached out his hand "Would you please give me the bottle so I can show you?"

Quatre placed the bottle in his hand.

The doctor squinted at the tiny print on the label and then turned it over to show us.

The label bore the name of the pharmaceutical company, the name of the drug and it's slogan, Heero's name and a brief description of dosage.

"You see, where it says dosage, it says 75 milligrams to 100 milligrams per day. Though this is correct, this information is not complete. This dosage is only to be taken after the initial preliminary phase, so after desensitization. We examined the remaining contents and it appeared that - according to this label - mister Yuy took an appropriate dose of 100 milligrams. However, he did not go through the desensitization first, so this dosage was too high. Most drugs require a quite severe increase of amount to elicit any serious overdose symptoms, but because the therapeutic index is so narrow with tricyclic anti-depressants, it takes only a small extra amount to become toxic. An amount as small as 25 milligrams extra, or the prescribed dosage without desensitization is toxic."

We were all shocked.

I started trembling.

"If he had just read the enclosed information this would have all been clear and this probably would have never happened. It clearly states that first time users should take only 50 milligrams, divided into two equal doses in the morning and in the evening. Instead, mister Yuy, sadly, immediately ingested 100 milligrams. Because he was not desensitized this was a toxic amount which caused confusion, disorientation, respiratory problems and cardiac arrhythmias. If he hadn't been found in time he would probably have gone into cardiac arrest." The doctor seemed to be lecturing at this point, intentionally scaring us. "It is really quite a problem in our modern society, which relies quite heavily on the intake of medicine, that people neglect to read the information enclosed with the prescription."

My eyes stung with tears. My heart just stung. My hand, that shook controllably reached into my jeans pocket and pulled out the thin sheets of paper with fine print. I could feel everyone looking at me. My fellow pilots didn't quite know yet what it meant, what I was holding, but realization dawned on the doctor's face.

"What's this?" Quatre wondered innocently.

"I had it with me the whole time." I said and then a sob escaped me. "I was angry. I didn't even think!"

Quatre recognized the pharmaceutical name on the bundle of papers and bit his lip. He tried to consolidate me. "It's okay... It's not your fault."

"Not my fault?" I snorted darkly. "I almost killed him!"

"That is not true." Quatre said strictly. "It was just an unfortunate chain of events. Heero should have known better than to take drugs without reading the information first." He turned back to the doctor and urged: "Can we please just see him? We really just need to see him."

"I'll see what I can do." He replied curtly and then walked off.

"I need to sit down." I said. If I didn't sit down soon, I would either pass out or throw up. "Fuck!" I exclaimed as I lowered myself back into my seat.

Quatre hurried to my side and rubbed my back soothingly.

"There is no way you could have known things would turn out like this." Trowa tried.

I suddenly started crying again, silent tears spilling from my eyes, streaming down my face. I kept shaking my head. "He begged me not to leave." I said and tasted the salt of my own tears. "He begged me not to leave and I left."

"The important thing is that he is going to be okay."

I kept shaking my head. It was all my fault. It was all my fault! If I just hadn't gotten so caught up in my own, selfish emotions! I shouldn't have yelled at him. I should have known better, with his eyes pleading and his voice wavering. And I shouldn't have left!

Barely able to see through my tears I straightened out the papers in my lap, just to have something to do with my hands and distract myself. The last page I had read, in the train on my way to yell at Nettle, was still on top, a noticeable tear in the top corner that separated the "Risk" from "of overdose". Blinking away the salty water that blurred my vision I briefly read the section underneath the header in bold print. It was almost exactly what the doctor had just told us.

I vividly saw myself standing in our apartment. Heero's sorrowful eyes focused on me. I could feel the rough denim of my jeans grazing my skin as I had reached into my pocket and produced the bottle. I hadn't been at that moment, but now I was acutely aware of the papers folded up in my other pocket. I see myself walking to the dinner table and place the bottle on the surface. I start to turn and I want to scream at myself, but history is not something that can be altered.

"Please don't leave me." Is what Heero tried to beg. But I slammed the door shut before he even got to finish his sentence.

"Duo," Trowa started mildly, "You are obviously missing the silver lining here. At least this means he didn't do it on purpose."

"Heero wouldn't take something without checking it thoroughly first!" I snapped. "At the very least I was such a big asshole that I drove him to do something reckless and dangerous." I shut up when I saw a nurse approaching us.

"Doctor Gellar asked me to take you to mister Yuy's room."

I shook my head again, feeling my disheveled braid coming loose. "I can't see him." I blurted with a mumble. "I can't see him like that, knowing that I did that to him."

"Maxwell!" WuFei growled, drawing all eyes to his impatient face. "You've made a mistake. Don't make another one. Now let's go see him."

I blinked up at him, his face stern and uncompassionate, but righteous. And right he was. I straightened my back and ran a hand through my hair. I got out of my seat and nodded. "You are right." I told him. "Please take us to him." I requested the nurse.

"Of course, follow me." With a card on a keychain around her neck she opened the door I had been guarding diligently all night. They swung open with a hiss of air. Just inside, we waited for the doors to automatically close again, before she opened the next set of double doors, leading down a long white corridor with doors on either side. A nurse and a doctor were at the end of the hallway, looking and pointing at a chart, their voices hushed. The hall was filled with the sound of beeps - in the rhythm of slow heartbeats - and respirators, drifting through the open doors of the rooms on either side.

RECOVERY an overhead sign read.

The nurse flipped the cover page of the chart she had been carrying, pressed against her chest, away and trailed the words with her finger as she informed us: "Mister Yuy arrived at two past six, presenting with respiratory difficulty and cardiac arrhythmia due to an overdose of tricyclic anti-depressants. Shortly after arrival the patient stopped breathing, requiring intubation. To absorb the remaining medicine out of his system he was administered activated charcoal through a nasal tube. He received a total of six stitches to the back of his head, a CT scan ruled out any internal damage such as a brain hemorrhage. If your insurance does not cover these procedures the hospital has a payment plan."

"Not necessary." WuFei ensured, glaring at the insensitive nurse. "He is insured with the Preventers. They will take care of everything."

"Very well."

I heard the click of her pen and then she appeared to be writing something down.

All of a sudden she stopped and declared without any sort of intonation: "Here he is." She sidestepped through an open doorway into a room on our right and waited for us to follow.

I had some difficulty crossing the threshold, but I managed.

Like he had appeared to me on the floor of our kitchen, he appeared to me in his hospital bed, drowning in the white. Machines on his left beeped and hissed, a computer screen visualized his heartbeat, steady and strong, the only relief in this situation. He was lying stiff on the mattress, his arms by his sides, almost as pale and white as the sheets. His eyes were closed, black lashes curled against white cheekbones. His lips around the tube that supplied him of oxygen, were cracked. His nostrills and the skin directly underneath was stained black, some charcoal that had been spilt when the nasal tube had been removed. In spite of everything, he looked peaceful. But the sight offered me no peace.

"When will the tube be taken out?" I heard Quatre ask the observing nurse.

"Shortly. Doctor Gellar went home after a twenty-four shift, Doctor Hapland, who is currently supervising this hall, is currently busy with a more critical patient."

"There is no one else to do it? It looks so awful." Quatre continued, worry evident in his voice.

"It's kept him alive." The nurse dryly replied. "There is no harm in leaving it in a little longer. We have sedated mister Yuy, there is no risk of him waking up for a while."

"Could you maybe give us a little privacy?" WuFei wondered.

"No." She answered adamantly. "The rules are clear and they are firm. All visitors of unconscious patients must be supervised by a member of the hospital staff." She sighed dramatically and I felt her looking at me, still standing in the middle of the room, far away from Heero's bedside. "I only have fifteen minutes." She announced, making sure we understood that we, too, only had fifteen minutes.

I felt Quatre's hand on my shoulder.

"Duo, we'll give you a moment alone with him, okay? We'll be right outside in the hall."

"Yeah. Okay..." I heard their shuffling footsteps as they vacated the room. I eyed the nurse uncertainly as she, in turn, watched me like a hawk, only infrequently and briefly averting her eyes as she continued to update Heero's chart. Reminding myself that I had only a short while before I would be required to leave him again, I stepped up to the bed. The bed that seemed too big for Heero. After a moment of hesitation, I took hold of his limp and cold hand. The hand that seemed too small to be of the Perfect Soldier. A white bandage was wrapped around his head, obscured mostly by his dark bangs and thick wayward strands of his tousled hair. He was dressed in a light blue, paper hospital gown. The clothes he had been wearing were in a plastic bag on the nightstand.

Holding his hand, supporting him, guarding him, I felt like a fraud. My misguided doings were the reason he was lying there, a patient once more, reduced to a fallen soldier, sick and broken. What is the point of fixing something when you are only going to break it anew?

The question was inevitable. As ruthless as it was relentless in it's innocence and simplicity.

Is us being together, harmful to us as individuals?

Our fingers are entwined and our palms fit together so perfectly. Am I being deceived? His hand is cold now, but I remember its warmth. I remember its warmth as it slowly and sensually dragged up my chest, or down my back, short nails softly grazing skin. Fingertips callous but innocently curious, tracing a truth that only he knows, chasing a heartbeat dedicated to him, through my veins under my skin.

Would his hand be lifeless now if he had been with someone less tainted than I am? Someone with more real-world knowledge, someone who would have seen the good and the potential in the thing that only scared me?

Emotions welled and I gripped his fingers strongly.

He should know by now that I love him, love him more than words have yet managed to express, but there is something I had yet to say. "I'm sorry."

I was joined by the other pilots. They gathered around his bed, respectfully quiet. Quatre obsessed over straightening and smoothing the sheets that covered him till Trowa took gentle hold of his hand and guided them back to his side. One he kept holding. He clutched it as strongly as I did Heero's.

The nurse scraped her throat loudly and obnoxiously, interrupting the moment. "It's time to leave."

"Duo, it's time to go." Quatre said in a more gentle and understanding tone.

"When can we come back?" I wondered miserably, my voice cracking with unshed tears.

"The hospital should be fully staffed by noon," The nurse started, "then the regular visitor hours apply. Noon to three PM and in the evening, seven to eight PM."

I was about to object but Quatre assured me it was for the best. "You should go home and get some sleep anyway, you've been up all night. And we can pack some things for Heero to bring back to the hospital later." He suggested.

"What if he wakes up and no one is here?" I shuddered at the mere thought, envisioning his pathetic, abandoned expression, sympathizing with all the things he would be thinking and feeling in that moment.

"No need to worry about for now. We will keep him sedated for at least a few more hours."

"Isn't it possible for us to stay with him at all time, when the hospital is fully staffed again? Or at least Duo?" WuFei tried.

"We only extend that privilege to blood relatives and spouses." She spat and walked to the door and tapped her foot impatiently. "Now please..." She gestured for us to leave.

"Fine." WuFei spat at her. He stomped out of the room, mumbling something that made the nurse glare at him as he left.

"Let's go, Duo. Let's go now and we'll be sure to be back here at noon." Quatre put his hands on my shoulders and guided me away.

I was too numb and detached from my body to protest. All the fight had been drained from me last night. I tore my gaze away from Heero's impassive face but I held his hand till the last moment, till it slipped from my grip as Quatre led me further away from him. As our hands parted, I felt a moment of panic and all of last night rushed back to me. But as quick as it flooded me, it ebbed away and then I was back in that docile, tired state, constantly occupied with the sense that any moment now I would rip myself free of Quatre's grip and run back to Heero, but I never did. I recognized there was nothing I could do for him. More importantly, I realized bitterly, I had done enough.

"Never mind what that power-obsessive bitch said," WuFei raged explicitly, "I'll make some arrangements. There will be an extra bed ready for you in his room when we get back at twelve o'clock and she will not be bothering us."

I was too out of it to even thank him, even though I was certain he could and would make it happen.

Through the doors, as we were led back to the lobby, we heard shouting.

"Don talk to me like I'm stupid jus cuz I talk like a hillbilly, ya wee little woman! I wanna see my friend!"

The second set of doors opened and we spotted a curly blonde looking down at the short nurse with the pink cardigan, shrinking under her furious glare. She became aware of our presence and turned, instantly visibly relieved to see me. She ignored the meek nurse who vainly tried to defend herself against the verbal onslaught she had suffered and hurried over to us, ignoring the other pilots who surrounded me as she was completely focused on me. "DuoIwassoworried!" She exclaimed in a single breath. "Is Heero okay? This useless woman won tell me anythin'."

"They said-" I scraped my throat as my awkward voice registered. "They said he is going to be fine."

"OhthankyouJesus..." She exhaled and then promptly hugged me. When we parted she blinked confusedly at the three young men looking at us inquisitively.

"Sookie, these are my friends."

"Hi, I'm Quatre." My other blond friend was quick to say and he politely shook Sookie's hand. "This is Trowa and that is WuFei. Are you in school with Duo?"

"Were. Yeah..." Sookie answered suspiciously, eyeing them with scrutiny.

"We know Duo from a long time ago."

Suddenly Sookie's eyes became large and full of understanding. "Oh! ... Oh! Right!" She shook all their hands enthusiastically as she had connected the dots correctly. "Wow, wow. I cannot believe I'm meetin' all of ya. May I just say: Imma big, big fan."

Quatre cast a look my way. "I'm assuming from her reaction she knows how me met?"

"I do, I do know!" Sookie answered for me. "Don worry, I won say a damn thing to anyone."

"We would appreciate that."

"But uh... what are you guys doin' here? In the lobby rather than with Heero I mean."

"We were kicked out." WuFei said with a poisonous tone. "They are understaffed and they don't have the time to let us stay with our friend."

Sookie nodded. "I heard about the train crash. It's all over the news. They actually think it was a bomb that caused it and specifically targeted Preventer employees."

"Oh my God..." Quatre brought a hand up to cover his open mouth.

WuFei sighed and admitted: "I knew. The accident is the "Preventer business" for which I came down to Earth. I didn't say anything because I thought it would be better not to cause everyone even more concern."

Quatre nodded. "You're right, we shouldn't really worry about that right now, we have to focus our thoughts on Heero. But WuFei, why won't you go to the head quarters and make sure everything is alright?"

He nodded. "I was going to go there anyway. I figured Une would have some strings to pull in this hospital, that would ensure we would not have to abide by these stupid rules. I'll meet you back here." Before he left he looked into my eyes meaningfully, as if trying to communicate without useless words that everything would be okay. Then he turned and walked away.

"We should get a cab and get to Duo's place. He needs to rest. We need to be there for Heero and we all need our strength for that."

"Oh, ya don have to get a cab, I'll take ya. Yeah, I got my grandpa's car."

Five minutes later we were all stuffed into the tiny vehicle. Quatre and Trowa were in the backseat, their knees practically tucked under their chins. I was quiet and withdrawn, as the others appeared to be as well. No one said anything. Luckily, Sookie knew better than to ask questions for which we were not in the mood to answer.

The front door of our apartment building was not a welcome sight to me. Normally I would just be overwhelmed with this sense of being home, a sense that I had never had before. Now, it was just like any door and I half expected to find horror behind it once more.

When we entered the abandoned apartment, we were all hit with the foul smell, coming from the kitchen. The liquid that Heero had vomited had filled the space with a bitter, pungent smell. I looked at the smear of blood on the floor and flexed my fingers. Though my hands were clean, I could have sworn I could still feel the dried blood on my skin.

"I'll clean it up." Quatre declared, blocking my vision of the kitchen with his concerned face, his aqua eyes looking deep into my eyes. "Don't worry about it."

The mess hadn't been exactly what I was worrying about, but I could form no words to express myself. At Quatre's beckoning Trowa took me by the arm and took me to the bedroom. I could already hear Quatre getting the cleaning supplies out of the kitchen cabinet under the sink and Sookie asking if she could help.

"Do you want to shower first or sleep first?" Trowa asked, closing the bedroom door behind us.

"I don't think I can sleep." I said slowly, just standing there with my arms heavy at my sides. "But I would like to lie down for a little while." But I didn't move, I didn't do anything, I waited to be directed. I was so numb, my body felt like a shell that I had barely any control over.

"Okay." He said. "Let's get you out of that shirt first." He reached for the hem of my shirt and pulled it up.

"Why?" My dead voice came muffled through the fabric as the shirt was pulled over my head.

"No reason." He stated blandly.

I would later discover there was blood on it.

I remained frozen in the middle of the room as Trowa walked over to the closet. I watched him get out a dark blue shirt and stopped him. "That's Heero's."

"Oh." He exchanged it for a dark grey shirt from another stack of clothes which was mine.

"It's just that... his clothes are a bit too small for me..." I explained dumbly.

"Right." He helped me into the clean shirt and afterward he guided me to the bed, but I stopped him again.

I pointed to Heero's bed and said: "That is my side." I didn't know why I lied to him, perhaps I was afraid he would judge me for childishly desiring to sleep under Heero sheets, rather than mine. The sheets were clean, hadn't been slept on yet, so you'd think it wouldn't matter, but for some reason it did. To me at least.

Trowa walked me around to the other side of the bed and covered me with the sheets once I had laid down. "I just wanted to say... I know you are hurting right now, but don't forget that Heero's is going to be okay and you will have all the time you need to make up for your mistake."

"Yeah, thanks." I croaked and I pulled the sheets up higher, suddenly cold. I noted, bitter sweetly, how much Trowa had changed since the war. I wondered only briefly why, before the answer dawned on me. Quatre. Quatre is the reason why. Obviously Quatre had had more success with his silent soldier than I had with mine. Quatre and I were very different and maybe therein lay the problem. With the analogy of the two bolts from our respective Gundams, I had been fooling myself. Fooling myself into thinking only one of us was damaged, whereas the other escaped unscathed. I had been damaged too, maybe not as badly as Heero, definitely not in the same way, but things have been hurt and broken within me, that affected my way of handling myself in the war positively, but affected my life in peacetime negatively. And I can grin and joke all I want, I can't pretend that scar tissue isn't there. I could make Heero believe it, but I could no longer make myself believe.

My past experiences were what caused me to react so angrily and offensively to the medicine. Someone without those experiences could have been more supportive, wouldn't have yelled at him, wouldn't have left him... wouldn't have nearly killed him.

Nettle's words ghosted through my mind like unwanted fingers pressing buttons of self-destruction.

I stared at the wall. I became very aware of the distance between me and Heero and I grew uncomfortable. He was so far away, with people I didn't know, I couldn't trust - people he wouldn't trust. I had left without a fight but I started to realize that I should have fought. I had succumbed to a very deep rooted sense: Being with Heero is hard. The last time I succumbed to this, he almost killed himself.

Being with Heero is hard. Being with Heero is hard...

It's a truth I've known all along, but only recently started to feel. Maybe because now, finally, after months and months of keeping my head up and giving answers to questions that confused me, I realized: Being with Duo is hard too.

Is it right for two people to be together when it's this hard on both of them? When I cringe and heartache each time Heero pulls back within himself. And when I confuse and scare him and make him feel like he's not good enough? But Nettle was wrong. Nettle was dead wrong. "Dead wrong" as in: I'd die before I'd say she's right. Heero and I are perfect for each other. The problem lies in the fact that we are imperfect people, ruined by a twisted past in which we still, self-loathingly, linger, never able to develop beyond that.

And there surfaced that tic tac torpedo of a thought again. We may be perfect for each other, but is us being together, harmful to us as individuals?

Whatever the answer was, it didn't matter right now, not for a little time to come. Right now, all that mattered was that Heero was alone in a hospital after almost losing his life. He should not be alone. Unconscious or not, aware or not, someone should be there to hold his hand.

I kicked the sheets away from me violently and jumped out of bed. I stepped into my shoes and left the laces untied for a moment as I walked out into the living room. Quatre was in the kitchen, still furiously scrubbing the floor, even though it looked clean to me in spite of the memory of blood and vomit that was so strong, the image flashed on my retina. Sookie was standing idly by, holding a bucket with water and soap but Quatre wouldn't let her help. She didn't seem to mind, she looked very troubled and appeared deeply lost in thought. Trowa was on the couch, hunched over towards the television that was set to a sickeningly familiar channel.

"Not you too." I grumbled and they all looked at me in surprise, previously unaware of my presence. "Heero can't stop watching the news either."

"Well listen to this." Trowa said and he aimed the remote to the television to turn up the volume.

"- have not confirmed the rumors going around this morning, that the explosion was caused by a bomb, not by a technical malfunction of the train itself. The explosion was so powerful that people in towns miles away from the site called emergency services to report it. As you can see in these aerial pictures, the entire train got derailed. Our own sources have assured us nothing accidental could have caused catastrophe like this, but the authorities are keeping their lips sealed and refuse to bring train traffic to a halt, except for the affected track. Our correspondent Nancy Wortworth is on site. Nancy, can you describe the situation for us at the moment?"

The image shifted to a blond to a backdrop of wrangled metal and a chopper climbing into the skies. "Well Drew, the scene was crawling with emergency personnel to help anyone who was lucky enough to survive this devastation, but now most of them are starting to leave, returning to their respective hospitals that have been running on skeleton crews since the crash yesterday, at a little past five PM. It was a massive, coordinated effort of central Florida's five biggest hospitals as part of the ESHC plan that had been put into action for the first time since in was instated last year. Preventer Investigators were also quickly on site. The agency has not yet released any statement, but the dominant presence of these men and women in uniform and the fact that the train was loaded with Preventer employees trying to get home, makes it appear that this particular train was not a random choice. If foul play is indeed at work, it seems that the perpetrator chose this train on purpose, to kill and injure as many Preventer personnel as possible."

Quatre and Sookie had come to stand beside me as we all watched the news, adding to the uncomfortable numb daze we already felt.

"An inside source has informed us that the Preventers have already identified one of the unrecognizable passenger, using DNA and though the agency upholds its standard of secrecy, it seems they are considering the remains to be of the bomber. This leaked information has not been confirmed by the agency and Kelly Mitchell, president of the Highspeed Train Company still maintains and stresses it was not a bomb but a technical mishap. Interestingly, the first man, so quickly identified by the Preventer Forensic crew, appears to have been Ethiopian. His nationality is surely curious and significant, as only a few months prior to this incident, the Ethiopian government accused the Preventer agency of an attempted assassination on president NgGasi. Thus far, the Ethiopian representative refuses to answer our questions as well. But it seems increasingly more likely that we are indeed, dealing with a terrorist attack targeting the Preventer agency where it would hurt the most: their devoted employees."

Oh my God, I thought. Even though nothing had yet been confirmed, to us former pilots it immediately appeared obvious that the Ethiopian president had recruited someone to execute revenge on the agency.

The journalist put her finger against her ear, probably focusing on the information being fed to her through her earplug. Her face turned grim. "I have just been informed of the most recent death toll. So far thirty-three deaths have been confirmed. Over one hundred and fifty other passengers have been transported to several hospitals with injuries ranging from minor to possibly fatal and the last of the passengers has just been freed from the wreck and airlifted to the nearest hospital, almost 18 hours after the crash. Almost all passengers on board were Preventer employees on their way home from work. President Une has postponed the agency's first official statement regarding the matter to later today. Until then everything will remain speculation, but one way or another, the agency has suffered a terrible blow today."

"Wait," I started and I reached over the back of the couch and grabbed Trowa's shoulder to get his attention, "What was the route of the train?"

"Uhm," Trowa searched his memory, "Charleston to Miami."

"Oh no..." I breathed and my shoulders slumped and then chuckled darkly.

"What's wrong? What's wrong?" Quatre demanded to know.

"That train goes through Jacksonville."

This didn't mean anything to Quatre, so he could only frown.

"I- I know- I have a friend who makes the commute from Jacksonville to Kennedy Space center each day. He's a Preventer mechanic, his name is Landon Jones."

"Oh my God... Duo I'm so sorry. Maybe he's okay though! Maybe he was on a different train, maybe he is one of the passengers with only minor injuries..." He tried, not wishing to upset me anymore than I already was.

I shook my head. "With my luck he was the first to be pronounced dead." I straightened up and took a deep breath. "I want to go back to the hospital. I can't sit around here. I need to be with Heero."

"Won't ya jus get sent away again?" Sookie wondered with pitiful eyes.

"No," Trowa said, "He is right. We'll go. I'll call WuFei on the way, see if he has made any progress." He patted my shoulder and added with quiet voice: "I'll ask him if he can find out some news about your friend as well."

I nodded, the lump in my throat was too big to allow for words.

Quatre and I hurried to pack some of Heero's clothing and necessities and after spending no more than an hour at the apartment we forced our way back into Sookie's grandfather's tiny car and headed back towards the hospital. Trowa was in the back seat with his cell phone glued to his ear, a stern and determined look on his face. I noticed Quatre holding his other hand in his lap.

"WuFei," I heard him say relieved, "I'm glad I finally got a hold on you. How are the negotiations with the hospital going?" He met my eyes in the rear view mirror and told: "Everything is taken care of. Une gave them a call."

I exhaled with relief. The woman was a miracle worker. I had to remind myself to tell her so.

"How is it going at the agency- wait, I'll put you on speaker."

We all looked at Sookie briefly, thinking maybe she shouldn't be hearing all this, but I think we all came to the same conclusion, that we trusted her and Trowa set his phone to speaker.

WuFei's voice was tinny but clear. "They are putting up an impressive facade, from the outside you can't tell that anything is wrong. But I talked to Une and shit has definitely hit the fan, I'm literally quoting her on that one. Nothing is being confirmed, we don't want to cause panic before we have a handle on this situation. Unfortunately we have a rather prominent leak. I'm not sure what you have heard on the news so far, but it was a bomb and we are assuming it was indeed purposefully planted to harm as many Preventer employees as possible. With the head quarters itself being a veritable fortress, the soft target was their only way to hurt us. We've identified the remains of the bomber as Kaamil Haroun, he's from Ethiopia."

"Do we know him?" Trowa asked, raising his voice to be heard over the hum of the engine.

"Yeah- wait, where are you, what is that noise?"

"We're on route back to the hospital."

"Okay. Yeah, we know him. It's not good though. He's a fanatic supporter of NgGasi and has been on his unofficial employee list since the man was just a sick and scheming Senator. It would be one hell of a coincidence if this turned out not to have been planned by NgGasi as revenge on the agency... and you know how I feel about coincidences."

"Any more information?"

"Our investigators are inspecting the bomb right now, I'm overseeing, it seems pretty unsophisticated. Probably had to make it right here in the RUSA and with such a strict control on all sorts of materials that could be used to make a bomb, he defected to a mix of some temperamental ingredients. He probably boarded at the train stop right after Kennedy Space Center, right before it blew, no way he could have made it far with this thing."

"WuFei, we are almost at the hospital, I need to ask you another favor." Trowa started and our eyes met in the rear view mirror again, briefly. "There is a chance a friend of Duo's was on that train, could you try to track him down."

"I'm not sure how accommodating the agency is at this moment to pursue this, but I will definitely try."

"Thanks, his name is Landon Jones, he's a mechanic."

"He works in Grid Five," I added, "he's an MS mechanic."

"Well, that certainly narrows it down." WuFei said. "I'll get back to you as soon as I know something. Good luck."

"Same to you!" Said Quatre.

Trowa put his phone into his pocket just as Sookie found a parking space.

"I can not believe this is happening." Quatre whispered to Trowa as they followed me inside with hastened steps. "This is the first time the Preventers have been attacked on their own turf. What does this mean?"

"It means the Preventers have got to end it." Trowa replied ominously.

I paid them no heed, simply because I couldn't. Tunnel vision guided me to the double doors that were locked to anyone without an employee's pass. It was immediately obvious much of the staff had returned from the crash site. Doctors and paramedics came in through the lobby doors and scattered through various hallways leading into the depths of the hospital. A lot of them wore dirty clothes, dirty with blood. Three nurses manned the nurse's station and handed out charts. Through the shouts I heard that none of the patients of the crash had been transported here but several critical cases had come in during the night who needed immediate attention.

I waited by the doors as Trowa walked off, trying to get the attention of one of the nurses who could open the doors for us.

"Are you worried about your friend?" Quatre asked, keeping me company.

"I guess but... everything is overshadowed." From the corner of my eye I caught his slight nod.

"We have to wait a little while. They are busy now." Said Trowa's voice who had joined us.

All of a sudden the anger that I had felt that previous night resurfaced and I slammed my fists against the locked doors. The reinforced glass panes rattled as the doors shook but did not open. "Fuck this! Fuck this!" I screamed and I kicked the doors for good measure.

"Take it easy." Trowa's strong hands gripped me and pulled me back, so the doors were safe from my kicking feet.

"I can't stand being this fucking helpless and dependent!" I exclaimed, struggling in his hold, but I would not be able to muster the energy it would take to break free. "Open this goddamn door!" I shouted to random hospital staff who just eyed me tiredly.

"Sir?" A nurse approached us with a stern expression. "If you don't calm down this instance I will have you removed."

I was about to give her a colorful earful when Trowa calmly spoke up: "We are here to see Heero Yuy. If I am not mistaken miss Une contacted you."

She pursed her lips. "I will have to see your ID's."

We showed her our ID's - our fake ID's - she inspected them with scrutiny, it didn't matter, they were indistinguishable from the real thing. If it could get Trowa and Quatre through inter-space customs, certainly a nurse wasn't going to be able to tell. She got on my nerves when she declared that no one had mentioned "the young girl" and therefore she was not allowed to accompany us. I was about to throw another fit when Sookie calmed me.

"That's fine Duo. I should pro'ly get back to my grandparents anyway. Good luck okay." She rose to the tips of her toes and kissed my cheek. "I hope Heero will better soon and I hope yer friend is okay too."

I nodded dumbly and watched her go.

My whole body flinched when the nurse swiped her card in front of the scanner and the doors opened with their familiar hiss. She guided us back to Heero's hospital room and then left as she had probably been ordered to do so by Lady Une, in spite of the rules that were previously strictly enforced.

Nothing seemed to have changed. Heero still lay lifeless in the white bed. But the tube that had been supplying him of air was gone and aside from the rhythmic beeping, the room had been left empty without the loud exhales of the respirator. I approached him slowly and took hold of his hand again. It was still cold. I sighed. It was a sigh of relief. Relieved to be with him again, relieved to be by his side, able to defend and protect him. Relieved that he hadn't been visited by Death in the meantime.

Quatre put the duffel bag that we had packed on the night stand by the bed and pulled a chair from the corner of the room towards me, but I didn't sit down. My entire body felt stiff, I felt like a statue, vigilant at his side. I didn't want to sit down, I was afraid that if I did, I might fall asleep and I didn't want to, even though my body craved it with an incessant throb in my head and an imbalance to my legs.

His hand started to become warm as my own heat transferred.

I heard some rustling as Quatre had curiously taken Heero's chart out of the holder at the foot of the bed and started leafing through it. Trowa peered at the sheets over his boyfriend's shoulder, a look of complete concentration.

Quatre whispered to his lover: "They took the respirator out an hour ago and gave him another sedative. He won't wake up until later tonight." Quatre looked apologetic as he realized I had heard him. The two of them remained quiet after Quatre put the chart back and kept me company.

After a century of silence, I wondered softly: "Has he always been this small?"

"Heero is strong, Duo. He'll be fine, the doctor said so too." My blond friend tried to assure me.

"I used to believe that..." I muttered. "I used to believe he is strong. Now I have my doubts."

"It was an accident Duo." Trowa reminded me.

"But still!" I exclaimed and looked at them desperately. "Would you carelessly take a large dose of anti-depressants without good reason? Heero knows better, he does, but I drove him to that! I think..." I shut my eyes. "I think I make him weak."

"That is not true. And you know it. You have it backwards. Heero used to be weak. You made him strong. Your love and devotion gave him strength." Trowa spoke adamantly.

"What do you know?" I spat.

"I do know." Trowa laid his hands on Quatre's shoulders and looked at me meaningfully. "I do know."

"Duo," Quatre started, "I know that at this moment it's hard to envision anything but the bad memories, but I beg you, remember the good. Remember the good and you will see how much you've helped Heero. Remember Relena's ball? How hard he laughed? He was happy Duo. He was happy, thanks to you."

"Well, he doesn't look very happy now, does he? He's so unhappy that he felt he had to take drugs! I did that!"

"Goddammit, Duo!" Quatre stomped his foot and caused us all surprise. "Are your really that stupid? Do you really not know any better? J is the one who made him unhappy, the war is what made him unhappy. You can't expect to be enough to change all that single handedly. But you did make a change, you helped him be himself and you helped him acknowledge that he could not continue living the way he had during the war! You gave him the opportunity to be happy, now what you have to do is follow-through. You started this, you made him smile and yes, you made him cry too. But it's all for the better, you know this!" He took a deep breath and looked shameful. "Look, I had my doubts. I had the wrong impression of him and I made stupid, wrong judgments based on that. Remember how angry you were at me for making those assumptions? For assuming Heero could never be changed? That he could never be all he is supposed to be by just being with you? Don't make that same mistake! Because I was wrong and now you are!"

I blinked, shocked by his out of character outburst.

"I'm sorry." He hurried and he seemed to deflate. Trowa squeezed his shoulders reassuringly.

"No, it's- it's fine." I stumbled. I looked back at Heero's impassive face, lost in thought. I did remember the night of Relena's ball and of course I remembered his laughter, I would never forget. But it seems so long ago and so far away that sometimes it seems to be no more relevant than an incoherent dream. Even though it happened, even though it was real, everything since has changed and the hope that the memory sparks seemed false.

The silence was awkward as we all thought about what Quatre had said, looking at our unconscious friend with forlorn eyes and we all jumped when a monotonous ring tone coming from Trowa's jeans interrupted the quiet.

With quick but ever elegant movements he retrieved his cell phone from his pocket. "Hello WuFei, you are on speaker." He said.

"Right." Came a tinny version of WuFei's deep baritone voice. "Duo, I found your friend. He was in the train, but he's fine."

My heart skipped a beat. I looked at the other two pilots in surprise, checking the expressions on their faces to make sure they heard it too.

"I understand why you like him," he emphasized "you" and made a point to snort loudly, "he is as incessantly talkative as you are. But you should really pick your friends more wisely, for future reference. I mistook his scream for a little girl's when they set his shoulder."

"Wait. Set his shoulder? He dislocated his shoulder? I thought you said he was fine."

Even though I did not know WuFei very well, I could vividly imagine him rolling his eyes. "Well, what's a dislocated shoulder, really? Other than that he is fine in the civilian sense of the word as well."

I released the deep breath that I had been holding. "Where is he?"

"Turns out he was right here, at the Preventer head quarters. They brought some of the passengers with minor injuries here so they could immediately answer some questions that could aid the investigation. He saw the bomber, the drawing a sketch artist made based on his descriptions definitely looks like Kaamil Haroun's headshot. Turns out Haroun had brought the bomb with him in a baby stroller, probably because it was so volatile, it had to remain level. When Haroun entered the train at the first stop after Kennedy Space Center, your friend moved to another part of the train because he thought the baby might start to cry. His aversion to infants saved his life."

A smile broke the gloom on Quatre's face and he looked at me with aqua eyes that dared to sparkle. "Duo, this is great!" He patted my shoulder.

I did feel glad Landon was fine, but still everything was overshadowed by worrying thoughts of Heero and anger at the attack. I imagined all the people who would not be receiving good news. In my minds eyes I saw the poor man at the windows again, his fingers going limp causing him to drop his cup of water, the fluid spilling hopelessly on the floor as his hopes and dreams did. I could only nod in response.

"How is Heero?"

"No change." Trowa answered.

"But he is going to be fine." Quatre added with strong emphasis.

"Good. I'll be with you as soon as I can, but for now I would like to help a hand here."

"Of course."

"I should be there at around six or seven or something. We could all get something to eat." WuFei suggested, his voice sounded distracted and some of his words were drowned out by noises in the background. "I'll keep you updated on the situation here. Let me know if there are any changes with Heero."

"Will do. Good luck, WuFei."

"You too."

The line disconnected.

Trowa pocketed his cell phone.

"You know, why won't we go get some lunch?" Quatre carefully suggested. "You haven't eaten since yesterday. You need to take care of yourself."

"I'm fine. I want to stay here." I replied stubbornly.

"Duo-" Quatre started in his concerned tone, but he fell silent when Trowa grabbed his arm and they shared a quiet look.

"We'll go eat something and smuggle you back a sandwich." Trowa said and already headed to the door.

"I'm not hungry." I sounded childish but I couldn't be bothered.

"We will force-feed you if necessary." With that Trowa guided Quatre out of the room and shut the door behind them.

The beeping of the heart monitor continued incessantly with a dull, slow beat. I watched the green iridescent line than snaked across the black screen. Blood pressure and other values were noted in the top corners. The blood pressure was low but within normal range, so the digits were green. Green meant no immediate danger, no immediate risk, still I felt like I could lose him any second. I don't know why I felt that but it's a fear I remember from long ago, when every day a thought would cross my mind; "Has he died?". Ever since I first met him, he's been in my thoughts. At first his presence was unwelcome, I'd toss and turn in my bunk bed, angry with him, picturing the mangled, stripped image of my so beloved Deathscythe. That anger did not last. It becomes harder to dislike someone when he saves your life, even if he has to be a total arrogant asshole about it. The anger became impossible when he risked his own life to save mind yet again.

I still remember his face lighting up white in the beam of the freight train. And then he squeezed his eyes shut tightly and we fell into the shadows of the railroad bridge.

So I remembered when I stopped disliking him. However, it eluded me when I started to love him. All I knew is that since it started it has grown exponentially, multiplying within myself to replace every fiber of my own being. Every organ, every cell, every atom was devoted to him. That sounded like a cliché an abundance of movies has discussed in it's most romantic, glorified detail, but it is actually a horror. It was a horror for the eyes, meant to look at him and only him, to see him lifeless like this. It was a horror for the hands, meant only to touch him and only him, to hold his cold hand. But it's the kind of horror film you can't help but watch and get involved in, even though you have no idea who is going to be dead when the end credits start to roll.

I touched his face, it was cold too, especially the tip of his nose. I touched the fine black dust that stains the skin underneath his nostrils, the substance in which it had been suspended had dried up and evaporated. It stained the tip of my finger black. I looked around myself, searching for a tissue to clean my finger and his face, but I found nothing. I knew there would be a roll of toilet paper in the small adjoining bathroom of the private hospital room, but I dreaded the idea of letting go of his hand so much that I decided against it. So I pulled out the end of my sleeve and used it to clean off the remainder of the activated charcoal.

With my free hand I pulled out the brochure that was folded and crumpled deep into my pocket and stared at it. My eyes were too exhausted to focus on the fine print. I exhaled and put it away, placing it on the nightstand, by the bottle of medicine, where it should have been all along. I placed my hand on the plastic back with his clothing, it slowly deflated under the weight and when I pulled my hand back the plastic briefly stuck to my sweaty palm. I searched the room for something to occupy my thoughts with, but everything was white and bland, the hallway that could be viewed through the window in the door was equally eventless. Only occasionally a doctor or nurse would pass by with complete disregard to the trauma in my heart.

"Here we are again..." I mused, a bitter smile appeared on my face as in a hospital, our story began. Only this time I could not pretend to save him and he could not save himself. If possible, this situation was even more fucked up than that one time. Even though that time he jumped out of fifty story high window and didn't open his parachute till the final few yards to the beach below. We were both completely helpless, this wasn't a rescue mission, this was life and life can't be solved with a knife and a parachute. Nothing is able to cut the things that tie you down in life. And nothing is able to keep you from falling in life.

One of the first things G taught me - and J taught Heero and the other mad scientists taught the other pilots - is what equipment you need to get out of any situation. There is a list of items that I could recite even in the depths of sleep. We took it with us everywhere as we were required to do and indeed, with the addition of some impromptu creativity, there wasn't a single situation that we were not appropriately equipped for. I wished life worked like that. That there was a list of things, albeit inanimate objects or acquirable skills, that would prepare you for anything and save you from any form of harm. But life doesn't work like that. Even when you think you have a list figured out, you find yourself neck deep in trouble or heartache, with none of your tools able to vamp an escape.

I hated that.

You'd think you'd get the hang of this; life and peace. You'd think that after as many months that have passed, you would have learned something, you'd be wiser, more prepared, you'd have answers to the questions that used to dumbfound you. But the hard and ironic thing about life that I have discovered, since that night in suite 102 in Luxembourg, is that the error message remains the same, no matter how good you think you have gotten at fixing things.

No standard solution available...

No standard solution available...

No standard solution available...

The door opened and the sudden sound startled me. I twisted my head around and watched Trowa and Quatre walk into the room. Quatre handed me a simple sandwich with sliced meat and salad that he retrieved from the pocket of his coat, double-wrapped in cellophane.

I knew better than to argue with him and I knew better than to think Trowa was only joking when he mentioned force-feeding earlier, so I took slow bites and with paced progress managed to eat most of it. My two friends tried to alleviate the tension and described in detail the cafeteria; giving me directions, listing the main items on the menu and describing the interior. They knew it was all irrelevant and insignificant, but contrary to WuFei's apparent belief system, sometimes it just helps to talk, even when it makes no sense and your words have no importance other than to fill the silence.

"I would have brought you something to drink but they only had glasses and I couldn't see myself getting that out of the cafeteria in the pocket of my coat without some serious spillage. I had already used all of my cellophane to wrap the sandwich, so..."

"You had cellophane with you?"

He started to fidget with an elastic chord at the hem of his open coat. "Just a few pieces. Just in case."

Trowa shrugged and took Quatre's hand, to stop him from plucking at the string. "You can never be too prepared. You never know." He said, directing a sympathetic look at Quatre.

I understood it to be part of his obsessive compulsive behavior, so even though it made no sense to me to bring cellophane with you to random occasions, I made no comment. It was good to see Trowa be so supportive of Quatre and to try to help him overcome his difficulties. I wished a simple touch of mine could help Heero, but then I realized Trowa's touch didn't really solve the problem either. Maybe I was indeed expecting too much of myself.

"I uhm..." I started awkwardly. "I never really got the chance to tell you, Trowa, but... I'm really happy for you and Quatre." I said, even though it hurt, because my lover, who's hand I was also holding, was unconscious in a hospital bed after being on the brink of death. Jealousy, was probably a more apt description. However, jealousy or not, bitter or not, it did not change my sentiment. I was happy to see them together and to see the positive effect they had on each other.

"Thank you."

Quatre suddenly looked very uncomfortable. He pulled his hand free from Trowa's and stuffed both his hands deep into his pockets, where I could tell his fingers were fumbling with something.

"Is something wrong?" I asked, confused by the sudden change in demeanor.

"No! No, not at all." Quatre claimed.

I looked back at Trowa and the secretive expression in his eyes confirmed there was something they were not telling me. Becoming a bit angry at the possibility of all the things they could be hiding from me, I said demandingly: "Come on, I can tell there's something. Tell me!"

Trowa looked at Quatre, as if to confirm or ask permission, but Quatre just furiously shook his head and forced a smile. "There really is nothing!" He started to bite the inside of his cheek.

"Quatre," I glared at the pair of them, "you are worrying me and you are pissing me off. Tell me!"

Trowa interjected: "It's just that we feel this might not be the right time to share the news with you, considering the situation."

"What news?" I demanded and I gripped Heero's hand more strongly. The last time Quatre had news for me he accused my boyfriend of cold-blooded, violent murder and revealed that he had been keeping a big and important secret from me.

They shared another look and when they broke gazes, Quatre took a deep breath and pulled his left hand out of his pocket and held it up for me to see.

I squinted and noticed a silver band with a row of small emerald stones on his ring finger.

"Trowa and I are getting married." Even though he was embarrassed to say this in the presence of Heero's unconscious form, he could not fight the smile.

I stared at them. For an awkwardly long period of time I could not say anything or make my face express anything but shock, I could not even form a coherent string of thoughts. The ring gleamed in the sunlight that poured in through the window and the stones resembled the shade of Trowa's eyes. The first thought my mind managed to form was how I had not previously noticed it's sparkling presence on Quatre's hand, but of course I had other things on my mind and hadn't been very observant.

The look on their faces became concerned and guilty. Quatre resumed to bite the inside of his cheek and started to nervously play with the ring encircling his finger.

"Oh my God."

They blinked at me, waiting for me to add something to that exclamation to make it less ambiguous. My sudden and unexpected smile startled them, but instantly relieved them of their tension.

"Congratulations." I said honestly.

Quatre rushed towards me and hugged me. "I'm so sorry about the timing."

"No, that's fine. That's fine..." I breathed as we parted.

Enthusiastically Quatre said: "He proposed last week. He had suggested to elope and just hold a small ceremony with my sisters and the other pilots, but when he actually kneeled before me," Quatre looked over his shoulder at Trowa, "I decided we were going to do this big. No more hiding. I plan to invite the entire board of directors. Screw them if it makes them uncomfortable."

"Wow. That's great. That's really great." I looked at Trowa. "Can't believe you actually kneeled... Who would have thought you to be such a traditional romantic..."

Trowa shrugged innocently and aloofly, but his eyes sparkled.

"That's great..." I repeated. I looked back at Heero's face. I could feel Trowa's and Quatre's pitiful gaze on the back of my head, but I did not acknowledge them.

Marriage is something I never thought to wish for, for Heero and me. I guess in that regard I had managed to stay realistic. The other things I wished for, may have been equally unwise to dare to hope for. I may never get them. He may never be able to truly open up and cry, I may never get that fixer-upper somewhere downtown, Heero might never be susceptible to the romantic antics one usually engages in on the anniversaries of important events and we may never have embarrassing candid pictures to grace our walls and shelves. I've always known this. I've always known I might not get that, I might not get what I want. Though never before did it dawn on me, that however greatly I desired those mundane aspects of earthly living, I did not need them. All I needed was Heero. I couldn't fathom when I started to believe he wasn't enough. But standing at the side of his bed, covering his hand with my own, still trembling with the fear of losing him, I remembered.

I could only hope to be what he needed.

According to Nettle, I wasn't and that still gnawed at the already frayed edges of my heart.

True to his word, at six thirty, the door to Heero's room opened and WuFei stepped inside.

Quatre and Trowa had taken a seat on the small couch underneath the window. Quatre had fallen asleep against Trowa's shoulder, but woke instantly, as if he sensed his arrival. I was still standing by Heero's bed, his hand in mine, the chair unused.

"Hey." He said as he joined at vigil at Heero's bedside. He looked at Heero and he looked at the monitor, still displaying the heart rate, it had picked up over the course of the day, as well as the blood pressure. "He seems to be doing good." He noted.

"A doctor checked him a little while earlier and said he's doing fine. The sedative should wear off in a few more hours." Trowa explained. Quatre listened intently, as he had slept through the doctor's visit.

"Good." WuFei turned to me. "How are you doing?"

I looked into his black eyes, honest and strong. "I'm fine."

"What's in the bag?" Quatre wondered with a voice still groggy, he nodded at the paper bag in WuFei's hand.

"Dinner." He announced, with a rather proud tone. He walked over to the window and put the bag down on the small table by the couch.

Quatre inhaled greedily as delicious scents from the bag drifted through the room that had just smelled sterile and of a lemon cleaner before. He made a lot of appreciative noises as WuFei started to unpack a variety of choices. "Oh you are a good, honorable man." He commented as he accepted a plastic plate.

"How did you get all this past the wardens?" Trowa questioned, pointing at a cardboard box to indicate his choice of dinner.

"I brought a pretty convincing negotiator with me." WuFei stated mysteriously.

Right at that moment the door swung open once more. Tired eyes were offset by a sympathetic, genuine smile, as her professional, impeccable suit was offset by a pair of beat-up sneakers. "Good evening everyone." She greeted with a long exhale, closing the door behind her.

"Une." I stated the obvious, left in utter surprise again that day.

"Duo." She walked up to me and gave me an awkward but heartfelt hug. "How is he doing?" She asked as she released me.

"They said he'll be fine and should wake up later tonight." I answered with a bitter taste in my mouth, still aware of the fact that I was to blame for his hospitalization.

"Why won't you have something to eat?" Quatre reached a food container out to her.

"No thank you," She declined politely, "I'm only passing through. I'm giving a conference at eight. I just wanted to see Heero and how he is doing. And how you are doing." She looked at me with evident concern.

Instead of answering with the usual lie "I'm fine", I told her: "I'll be okay." And I hoped dearly I would be.

She nodded in understanding.

"How is the investigation going?" Trowa wondered between bites.

She released a deep sigh and by force of habit she nervously straightened her suit. "Good, but... it's not good. As WuFei already informed you, it was a deliberate attack and the ties with NgGasi are too strong to ignore. So basically I have to go on national television in little over an hour and lie my ass off."

"Why's that?" Quatre innocently inquired.

"If I confirm the rumors that this was a terrorist attack organized by the president of Ethiopia, to retaliate against a supposed assassination attempt executed by the Preventers, there is a very strong possibility our two nations will officially be at war before the night is through. And war is exactly what our agency is designed for to prevent."

"What will you do?" The former pilot in me resurfaced, it was a process that I could physically feel happening.

"We'll deny everything for as long as we can and when we can't anymore, we'll lie about the identity of the bomber. Then we'll have to let enough time pass to avoid suspicion and attempt another assassination on NgGasi."

"I want to do it." All eyes turned to me at my declaration, wide and shocked.

Especially Une was surprised. "Duo, I thought- I assumed you had decided differently. And I have an alternative option for you."

"I'm not saying that this means I'll become an agent, but I want to do that mission. I want to make sure that it is done right." I spoke with a determination that even surprised me. I wanted to avenge the death of the Preventer employees. Odds were that I knew a lot of them, at least by face, Heero too. I didn't mind being the puppet of Death once more time.

"Duo, you don't have to." Une reminded me.

"No, I want to! This fucker thinks he can get away with this? Putting a bomb on a train and killing innocent Preventer employees and civilians? A friend of mine was on that train. Friends and family of other people were on that train. I want this coward dead. This is not the peace that we," I gestured around myself with my free arm and held onto Heero's hand tightly, "risked our lives for. We have all been fucked up so we could do this, so we could bring peace. I'm not going to let that asshole make all of that in vain. It's bad enough that he fucks with his own people, but if he wants war, then he is going to have to deal with one fucking pissed off soldier."

Une looked at the others, unsure of how to respond. She has never been face to face with "God of Death" before.

"Look, we have to wait a few months anyway, till all of this blows over and we have the benefit of the doubt." WuFei started. "When the time comes, we'll contact you and if you still want to do it, then the mission is yours. Agreed?"

Une nodded. "Yes."

"I'll still want to do it."

"That's fine, then you will. But let's, for now, forget about world peace and just think about our friend. And have some dinner because I'm starving." WuFei dryly commented.

We all smiled and nodded.

We practically attacked the food that WuFei had brought. WuFei joined the couple on the couch and they quietly talked. Most of the words I overheard were in reference to the food. I was still at Heero's side, where I would be for a long time to come, as I couldn't imagine ever being ready to let go of his hand. I wanted him to know that I was still here, that I was supporting him and that I could be supportive, even of the things I did not understand or even did not agree with.

Une stood next to me. She had quietly been looking at Heero for a long time, she had a small, though sad, smile on her delicate lips. She seemed lost in thoughts and memories. "I'm sorry I never called." She suddenly said.

"Hm?" My mouth was full pizza.

"I was supposed to call you yesterday, but something came up." She let out a breathy, nervous chuckle.

"Yeah, for me too."

"I had gotten my managers together yesterday morning, to discuss any possibilities for you within the agency. At the end of the meeting they all felt pretty strongly about the fact that your talent could be used somewhere other than the engine bay." She said with a soft, foreboding smile.

"Yeah?"

"The agency employs good men. Good agents. Good soldiers. But let's face it, none of them will ever be able to match you and the other pilots in any area. This was already abundantly clear for the space faction, which WuFei now practically runs. I'm not saying they could ever be as good as you guys are, but you could definitely make them better."

I frowned, not sure what she was hinting at. "What do you mean?"

"You could train them. You could train our agents, our soldiers and our pilots. As you've noticed when you worked in grid one, most of our common soldiers and even some of our special agents, do not know how to take proper care of their rifle, or fix it in emergency situations."

I scrunched my face. "That's sounds rather boring."

"Well, yes, but that would only be one part of the job. You could also teach them combat, sniping, piloting and navigating. Heero became an active agents because, as he truthfully pointed out, we need guys like the Gundam pilots on payroll. You could train them to become better, to take on the missions that right now only you guys would be able to complete. So when the next NgGasi asshole needs to be taken care off, we have agents suited for the job. I'd have to come up with some sort of title, but you'd be something like a Preventer Special Skills Instructor."

"Wow, Une..." I didn't really know what to say, I was overwhelmed. I really liked the idea, it didn't ask for direct violence, but it would still allow me to put my violent skills to good use and to matter to a greater cause, which is what I had wanted. "That sounds really good." I was taken aback, honestly I had begun to lose hope that I would ever find a purpose that would suit me.

"And the offer applies to Heero as well, if he is interested."

I looked back at his still, pale face, then back at her. "Thank you." I said genuinely.

"You're welcome. You'd be doing the agency a great service." She looked at her watch and her face turned grim. "I have to leave. I'm sorry. Keep me updated, okay? I'll see you guys. Bye." With an encouraging pat on my shoulder she left, her sneakers squeaking in contact with the floor.

Quatre approached me and came to stand at the opposite side of Heero's bed. "What did you two talk about?"

"She offered us a job as Preventer trainers."

"Wow, that sounds pretty cool."

I nodded slowly. "I hope it is. I need something to do with my life, you know? Like you, like WuFei... You guys do important stuff, you make a difference. I want that too."

"What about Heero?"

I shrugged, not sure of the answer to that question. "I know he wants to matter too. I'm just not sure if this Trainer stuff fits his idea of what it means to matter."

Quatre seemed reluctant to ask his next question, but after momentarily biting the inside of his cheek and fumbling with his engagement ring, he decided to ask: "What if he insists on remaining a field agent?"

"I won't like it. I'd be worried. But I will accept it. And we'll make it work." I smiled as I realized I truly meant that. "I need to be more accepting and supportive. I haven't really been those things lately and that has led to some pretty disastrous mistakes. I don't want Heero to have to nearly die twice for me get the message and make up for my mistakes."

"And what about the pills?"

"If he wants to take them, that'll be fine. All I need is for Heero to be okay, to be safe and happy. If that means I need to be open-minded about stuff that I am reluctant to accept, than that is just what I am going to have to be. And if it means he needs me to leave, so he can forget and grow, then I'll just have to do that."

Quatre sighed. "You're not still on that, are you?"

"Look, what if that psycho-psychologist is right? What if we need to be apart to be able to grow as individuals? It's possible, right?"

"Yeah, but-"

"I just want Heero to be able to open up, to experience all of his emotions. According to Nettle, my presence makes that hard on him, because I remind him of the toughest time in his life. To avoid experiencing that pain, he buries everything, all of his emotions, because he is afraid bad things will surface if he doesn't fight it. It's an automatic defense mechanism, he said so himself. It might be easier for him to allow himself to feel, if he's not with the person who constantly reminds him of all of those painful memories."

"Duo, this all sounds very logical. But we are talking about emotions, so logic does not apply."

"I just want what is best for him Quatre. And I have to admit, sometimes, I don't know what exactly is best for him and I end up making mistakes."

He kindly and sympathetically looked at me. "But Duo, don't you see what a big change you have just made? Don't you see how much you have already grown? The fact that you would leave him if it is what is best for him, in spite of how much it would hurt you, shows that you have let go of your expectations and demands of Heero and you are ready to accept him, flaws and all."

"He nearly had to die, for that change to happen. And I don't know if somewhere down the road these misguided expectations are going to sneak up on me again and fill me with disappointment... and then what? He has to have another near death experience for me to re-learn the lesson?"

"Duo-" Quatre started.

I shook my head and stopped him. "I really don't want to talk about it anymore, okay?"

He frowned. He had many concerns but he decided to heed my request and not voice them. He took Heero's other hand in his and looked at the pale fingers contemplatively. "I'm sorry about what I said before."

I was about to reply to Quatre's quiet apology, when I looked at his face I realized he wasn't talking to me. His pained, guilty gaze was directed at Heero's closed eyes.

"I was wrong to think you incapable of being anyone other than the soldier. I'm sorry." He stared at Heero's face for a few more moments, spent in silent thought. Then he nodded and with a final pat he released the limp hand, delicately placing it on the sheets beside his still body.

"Mind if I turn on the TV?" Trowa interrupted. Without waiting for consent he started searching the two drawers in the nightstand by the bed and quickly found the remote.

WuFei rose from the couch and stood on his toes to press the ON button of the television that was suspended down from the ceiling.

"What channel?" The tallest of all of us wondered, his fingers ghosting over the digits of the remote control.

"Any I imagine." WuFei offered and he joined us by the bed so he could view the screen.

Without much effort Trowa found an appropriate channel. The camera's were aimed at a crowd of journalists, the drone of their accumulated voices had been muted as a narrator with a boring voice described the scene of anticipation. On the bottom of the screen white letters in a blue band running from left to right read: Preventer press conference regarding terrorist attack. The image changed to the podium with a backdrop of a cobalt blue curtain with the black Preventer logo centered and gleaming with indestructible pride. Photo camera's started flashing when Lady Une stepped onto the podium and approached the microphone. The high heeled shoes she had changed into clicked on the wooden boards, it was the only sound to be registered along with the sound of shutters closing rapidly.

"Good evening." Her voice was magnified crisply through the microphone. "Thank you for your patience. Late yesterday afternoon, at five fifteen, tragedy struck. A high speed train derailed after what has been described as a forceful explosion, on the railroad track just outside of Orlando. This event injured most of the nearly three hundred passengers and sadly has, so far, claimed forty lives, a number that keeps rising. The admirable men and women of all major hospitals in center Florida and the Preventer Agency, have worked around the clock to minimize victims and to find answers. However, both take time and careful work. As of yet we have no meaningful results to exclude the possibility of a simple, albeit tragic accident."

The crowd started murmuring and the camera's started flashing again, perhaps hoping to catch the lie on her expression.

Une was unfazed as she continued: "Mere moments after the crash, witnesses and the media have been speculating. Rumors of foul play have surfaced. Rumors that evidence has been uncovered of a terrorist attack. Rumors that the person responsible has already been identified. These rumors remain rumors. Preventer investigators and local authorities are still processing the scene. So far this search has yielded no proof of a planned attack. I wish I had more information to share at this juncture, but I'm afraid I share your questions, to which I have no answers. Out of respect for the families of those who have perished, or been injured, I ask you not to cause panic with biased speculations and instead let the investigators do their job. I would also like to commend the work of the gathered emergency staff of Tampa General Hospital, Orlando General Hospital, Orlando Emergency Medical Center, Palm Bay East Hospital and Lakeland Hospital. Whose combined effort has saved many lives, in the first ever employment of the Emergency Situation Hospital Coalition. They have proven the value of cooperation and have saved many lives with their combined effort that allowed for a swift and controlled rescue operation. I feel for all the remaining families and loved-ones who have received bad news today. I hope that in the very least, I will be able to offer answers in relation to this tragic event in the near future. Thank you. I have time to answer some of your questions."

The crowd burst with screams and black microphones were thrust into the air.

She nodded at a man in the front.

"This is the New York Inquirer." He said hastily. "Do you really expect us to buy this? A source from your own agency has already spilt the details that it was not an accident and that a bomber has in fact already been identified."

"An unconfirmed source." Une calmly corrected. "I understand the public's need for answers, but do not believe everything you hear. Several untrustworthy sources have been claiming to have new information, their statements are false and only cause fear."

"But-"

WuFei had walked over to the television and had promptly switched it off. "We don't need to see the jackals attacking her."

"It didn't seem like they were buying it..."

"They are just looking for a juicy headline for tomorrow's edition. This will quiet down soon enough. We'll plant some more, untrue leaks and expose them, that will discredit all the previous unofficial claims."

"I just can't believe this." Quatre said, looking at all of us with concerned eyes. "This is the first terrorist attack on the RUSA since it's reformation. Isn't that just crazy?"

The others slowly nodded, but WuFei defended: "Something like this was unavoidable. The combined population of Earth and the colonies is seven billion and amongst all those people there are still bad guys who can keep a secret. When I last checked, the Preventer force counts less than six thousand agents and soldiers. Even the smallest country in the world has a bigger army than that. Even with the help of the RUSA army and the South American Alliance and Europe, bad things will always happen."

"Don't be so pessimistic." Quatre urged.

"I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist. This too is part of peace time. Peace means a lot of rules and not everyone can get what they want by playing by those rules, so they are going to rebel and make their own. During the history of our species there have always been individuals or groups of people who want things they cannot reasonably have."

We all fell silent, I presumed we were all overwhelmed by the sad truth of his statement.

He sighed, the truth only seemed to frustrate him, being confronted with it on a daily basis. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to raise my voice like that." He seemed to be talking to Heero's unconscious form, quietly laying in the bed.

They all retreated to different corners of the room, preoccupying themselves with their own thoughts. I couldn't be bothered with the problems of the world at that moment. For some reason, personal conflicts just feel so much more severe, even though it affects far fewer lives. I guessed everyone was just unavoidably selfish like that. It seems only logical. It's much more logical, our hearts are designed to love people and even though we experience heartache at the hurting of others, it is never quite like this. Watching natural disasters happen on a television screen, watching war conflicts transpire a world away, never quite feels like holding your lover's cold hand, your ears filled with the hollow, sharp beeping of a machine that is the only distinction between life and death, as he lies barely breathing and his skin white as the sheets.

Standing at his bedside, is like standing at the very edge of cliff. You can only hope to be able to tiptoe back to safety and leave heartache behind, but one step forward and you are falling. One step forward and you are not standing vigil, you are in a waiting room, your cup of water at your feet, a doctor with a grim expression looking down at you, Death mocking you over his white clad shoulder.

It's just not the same. It's just not the same as the news anchor giving you death tolls. The numbers lose meaning - a hundred, five thousand, twohundredthousand - we cannot even begin to fathom that kind of loss. It's unfair and it's selfish, but we would sacrifice any number of lives for that one person. Even though that person would probably beg you not to.

The hour started to become late. Another doctor graced us with a brief visit; a routine check-up. The sedative had worn off but Heero did not appear ready to wake up yet. She left without giving us any real answers, her white coat rustling in the haste of her steps.

"Duo?" Quatre cautiously approached me. "It's getting really late, WuFei, Trowa and I really need to get some sleep. As you should too. We were thinking about checking into the hotel down the street." He hurried to add: "But if you want us to stay, we will stay."

I shook my head, loose strands of my disheveled hair moving around my face. "No, that's fine, you go. I'd prefer to be alone with Heero for a while anyway, especially when he wakes up."

"Of course. Okay."

Trowa and Quatre hugged me goodbye. WuFei offered me a formal handshake, but I knew with it he meant to convey the same kind of support and compassion as Quatre's tight embrace and Trowa's awkward hug. They promised to be back first thing in the morning and smuggle in some breakfast. Quatre pleaded me to make use of the extra bed two nurses had rolled into the room earlier. He noticed the tremble in my knees. He must have thought me crazy for standing at Heero's bed all day. Or maybe he didn't, maybe he understood.

When they left for the night, the hectic day rampaged through my mind. So much had happened, it was difficult to comprehend. It felt crazy, surreal and apocalyptic in a sense. So much had changed. Things that could never be undone. Things that changed the future and even managed to change the past.

The reality of everything wouldn't hit me until much later. Which was a good thing. My shoulders and heart were bearing an impossibly heavy load as it was.

The hallway went quiet and the lights were automatically dimmed. Through the window the bright white disc of the moon could be viewed as it viewed the Earth. It was a solemn and serene sight but offered me no comfort, only one thing could and that was the sight of Heero's eyes when he would finally wake.

At that moment, Heero's hand twitched in mine and after several moments during which my heart failed to beat, his fingers curled around mine in a weak but unmistakable hold. For the first time since late that morning, my knees buckled and the chair behind me gratefully caught me in my slow descent. I couldn't stand any longer. All the feelings I had experienced since I encountered him on the kitchen floor imploded within me and crumbled the core pillars of my strength. It felt like I would collapse and shatter at cellular level.

Strangely, at this first sign of consciousness, I was most confronted with the fear that that moment may have never come. The thought that possessed me was: what if his hand had never twitched?

"Heero?" I was shocked at the weakness of my own voice.

His eyelids started to flutter, a pained frown appeared on his forehead and his lips became a taut line of discontentment. His fingers became stronger around my own, encircling them tightly, desperately.

His brows furrowed even deeper and then, in the single light by the bed, two lines of cobalt blue appeared under the black eyelashes.

I gripped his hand tightly and the action drew his half-awake gaze towards me. His eyes opened completely, but there was little understanding in them. His expression was vague, slightly confused. His eyes shifted to examine the room and worry dawned on his face when he realized the bed he was laying in was not his own and this was not our bedroom. There was a brief moment of panic, but memories rushed back to him. He blinked away any shock there might have been for me to see. Even as the answers came to him, he asked me with a coarse voice:

"What happened?"

"You're in the hospital. You are going to be fine." That didn't really answer his question, I just didn't know yet how to answer him. A lot of things were unclear to me too, after all, I was only there to witness the aftermath of what had happened. We would have to exchange information before either of us really understood what exactly had happened. I distracted him with a question of my own. "How are you feeling?"

He considered this momentarily and then replied: "My throat hurts."

I nodded. "You were intubated, so that may well be the cause."

He sat up in bed and reached his free hand up to touch his throat, as if his fingers searched for the memory. He looked to the side and spotted the orange bottle of pills on the nightstand, beside his bag of clothing. "Right." He croaked.

"You took too many." I said, my voice feigning a strength that my heart did not have.

This didn't seem to concern him, but a slight frown of disbelief did appear. "I took exactly what it said." He argued and this was not a lie.

"The information on the label is incomplete. You were supposed to read the brochure before you took anything. For a first dose it was too much."

He didn't say anything. He tore his eyes away from the bottle and aimed his gaze back up to my face. He had a pathetically apologetic look on his face that wrought my heart.

I returned the look in kind. After all, if it hadn't been for my carelessness, he probably would have read the brochure, if I had only been in the right state of mind to leave it there with him.

We didn't say anything, even though we both had many things to say. I felt a shaking in my palm. Whether we were both trembling, or just me, or just him, I didn't know. But did it really matter? It may not be true in the most literal sense, but when he trembles, I tremble too. When he hurts, I hurt equally. There is no "him" or "me" between us, the individuals have dissolved into one another, into a being no longer distinguishable, into an "us". It was a kind of merging I presume anybody to long for. Being tethered to someone, experiencing life with an extra heart and an extra set of eyes. As wonderful as it was, it was terrifying. Terrifying because maybe neither one was ready of the responsibility of this link, of this connection. There was a lack of trust between us. Heero didn't trust me with the full brunt of his emotions. And I didn't trust him to ever fully accept my heart and my love, too afraid of his emotions.

I did not voice any of this, not yet. I had the feeling that we should hug or kiss, it seemed to be what couples in love always do in those movies I endlessly watched, upon their reunion. Dramatic but uplifting music is the background for their proclamations of love and the proceeding sounds of their intimate kisses. But this "us" that had taken refuge into this hospital room was far more complicated than that. There were feelings between us that could not be adequately dealt with and solved during the running time of the average gentle comedy blockbuster. Our movie is one of angst and suffering, being consumed by a love that you desire more than anything else, regardless that it may not be the best for either of you. It's the kind of movie they would relentless add sequels too and will never truly have an ending.

So no, we didn't hug or kiss. I held onto his hand but let go of his gaze, my eyes trailing down to my own lap where my free hand fidgeted.

I hadn't expected him to speak, but he did.

"I'm sorry." He said and his voice held an unmistakable honesty. "I didn't mean to put you through this."

As socially inept as he may be, he must have found the exhaustion in my eyes, the emotion in the dried trails of tears down my cheeks. His claim struck a sensitive chord, one that reverberated a deep trombone in my chest and vibrated my heart. "Is that true?" I wondered with raw voice and I looked at him.

He blinked, but even though he pretended not to know what I was referring too, that slight, confused frown of his that I had come to adore, was missing. Being as unfamiliar with emotions and the expression of them, he could hardly fake them.

"Was this really an accident?" I asked bluntly. "Because I have been going over this again and again and I just can't see you doing something this reckless."

His words were strong, his voice monotone but genuine as he responded: "I did not try to kill myself." His nostrils flared, his upper lip quivered. It seemed like his eyes were starting to water, but he blinked and it was all gone, or hadn't even been there to begin with. "When you left... I thought you had left for good. I was..." There was that frown, as he searched for words to describe his feelings, "it hurt so bad. It hurt so bad that I thought that if I wouldn't be able to make it stop hurting, I might-" He stopped and instead his eyes just locked onto mine and they finished his sentence without words.

End it all, is what I knew he was going to say.

"I didn't want to do that. I wanted to preserve hope that you would come back and that we would be together. Everything just flooded me and I wanted to keep that flood away from me, to prevent it from crushing me. I know I shouldn't have taken the pills without further information, but I just couldn't stand it."

I let out a shaky breath.

"I didn't try to kill myself." He repeated. "But when the drugs started to make me sick I... I thought that maybe it would be better if I did end up dying. I sort of resigned to it, but as I started feeling worse and worse, I realized I really didn't want to die, all I wanted was for you to forgive me and I knew that if I died I would only hurt you and make you resent me." His eyes were pathetic and begging. "I tried to call an ambulance, but I couldn't think straight anymore, I couldn't even remember what number to dial... and then I got dizzy and light-headed... I don't remember anything after that. But I never meant to hurt you! I only wanted to stop my own hurting!" His eyes pleaded me for understanding and forgiveness.

These I could not deny him.

This is when we hugged, but it was awkward and far removed from out happy ending.

I didn't know when to release him. I usually wasn't this self-conscious in an embrace, wrapping my arm loosely around any set of shoulders that I predict won't shrug me off, but it was the most emotionally laden hug I had ever given and in this territory, beyond the fun and the carefree, I too was inexperienced. I held on till I felt something melt, in me, in him, or in both of us. And all of a sudden the hug wasn't awkward anymore, he wasn't stiff in my arms anymore and my arms weren't stiff around him anymore. I guessed it took us that time to let go of our guilt and just enjoy our connection for what it was, rather than burdening it with all these conflicting and confusing things we were feeling.

However, even though I felt better once I released him and sat back in the chair, keeping his hand clutched in mine, the hug did not change anything. I was still Duo, the Duo who had demanded too much, the Duo who did not know what to do and he was still Heero, the Heero who could not open up or cry, the Heero who was broken. I didn't know how we had made this fit in the past and I didn't know how we could make this fit in the future. If Nettle had not been a woman - and I had not been a gentleman to the best of my abilities - I may have punched her in the face. However, I realized now there was a basis for the arrogant sparkle that I had caught in her eyes, so did that really leave me with the right to punch it off? How can you pair someone with unrealistic, uninformed expectations, with someone who can not open up about his emotions and live up to those expectations? How can you pair someone who has no solutions, with someone who is broken and needs help and guidance?

At the core of our relationship was a mismatch we have been ignoring. It really is true what they say: love is blinding.

So, I started to think, Nettle could be right. Maybe we could benefit from spending some time apart. The thought frightened me like nothing ever had, I'd gladly trade this feeling of despair with staring down the barrel of a gun. Leaving him would be the hardest thing for me to do. Living without him would be like trying to breathe in outer space: trying to make do without something that is so vital to your very existence and feels so natural and right. However, if he agrees with Nettle, if he thinks this is something we must do, than we will do this. I will do this for him. I will breathe where there is no air. There truly isn't a request impossible for me to achieve if it comes from him.

I just didn't know how to share this with him. Looking into his big blue eyes, lost in the sight of them, my fear only grew stronger, my resolution weaker. I worried he would take my suggestion the wrong way, that he would interpret it as a sign that I no longer wished to be with him, that I no longer loved him, that I am not up for the task of loving him and growing with him. I wouldn't want him to think that, not even for a split second. I didn't want to hurt him anymore.

"You look like you have a lot on your mind." Heero astutely pointed out, his face expressed a slight kindness but in his eyes reflected my own fear.

"Good call." I chuckled nervously.

"Are you angry with me?"

"No!" I answered immediately and I held his hand tighter, looking into his eyes. "That is exactly what I need you to understand, I don't blame you and I am not angry with you, not for what happened and not for you wanting to take the pills." I spoke strongly. "It is me who I am angry with, for being so goddamned stupid and ignorant and selfish!"

"I'm not angry with you." He stated softly and his hand sweetly covered my own.

"Well, you should be. I was an ass." I retorted dryly.

"Let's just go home and forget about this." He suggested, sounding eager to get out of the paper gown and more importantly, out of this house of sickness and weakness and death.

I shook my head fervently as my mind raced to find the appropriate words. "There is something I think we should talk about first." I saw intense fear dawning in his beautiful eyes and my heart clenched. I love him so much, I thought. That thought stung and I felt something gather in the corner of my eyes. "After I left, after the... after..." I sighed and shook my head, frustrated that I couldn't even make myself say the words. "Just after... I went to see Nettle."

There was surprise on his face as the conversation headed into an unexpected direction.

"I was looking for anyone to blame but myself and after you, Nettle seemed like a viable option." I continued with a quiet tone, my voice heavy with guilt and concern. "I went over there to yell at her and make her feel guilty and awful, but contrary to my intentions, I was the one who left feeling guilty and awful. She said something that- ... that I dismissed initially, but in light of what has happened, I think it may have had some merit, however much I regret that."

"I don't understand..." he muttered pathetically. From the way his sweaty palm clenched around my own, I assumed he had an inkling of where the conversation was headed.

Every time I looked up, into his eyes, I grew more uncertain whether this was the right thing to do. But I knew I at least had to tell him, he needed to know all the facts. After all, if I want us to be in a relationship of equals, I should work to make that happen, instead of making his decisions for him based on what I want and what I hope he wants.

"She said that it might be a good idea for us to be apart for a while. So we can grow as individuals..." I paraphrased carefully.

"You want to break up." He concluded in an almost accusing manner.

"No, that is exactly it, I do not want to break up with you. I can't stand the thought of being away from you, you have to understand that... but it is something she suggested. Lord knows I hate her guts but maybe she has a point... she wouldn't say it without reason, right?" I tried to explain and tried to assure him.

There was a depth to the expression on his face and in his eyes that I had never witnessed before. At the forefront of the mixture he was feeling and showing, was confusion and hurt as he stared at me with a gaze darting back and forth between my two eyes, searching for the meaning behind my words.

"Look, we have to face the facts. We both have issues. You don't feel like you can completely open up to me and I have been a jackass about that to be frank. Maybe Nettle is right, maybe we can only solve these things by being apart for a little while and growing as individuals."

His mouth which had been hanging open slightly, shut firmly, his lips pressing together in a thin line. His eyes suddenly narrowed as well and the shadow of his thick lashes obscured the emotions that swirled vividly in the cobalt blue orbs. I thought maybe I had angered him, but honestly it was impossible to read him.

I sighed and looked away, not really sure how to proceed, not even sure what just happened, on emotional and relationship level. There was a nervousness in my stomach that I couldn't shake, the kind of nervousness that you feel when you are worried you just screwed something up badly. Or maybe closer to the nervousness you feel when you just realized you have possibly made the biggest mistake of your life.

"We don't have to decide now," I told him, holding onto his hand even though he attempted to pull it free from my grip, "we can talk about it later. Right now we have to focus on you getting better and out of this hospital. I just wanted to be honest with you and tell you what Nettle told me, because it has been eating at me." I stared into his eyes and he stared back with an empty gaze. "Please say something..." I begged him, but he didn't say anything. "I don't want to break up." I stressed and continued with a clear edge of despair to my voice: "I just don't know what the hell I am doing, or am supposed to be doing! I don't want my ignorance to end up hurting you again!"

He wasn't looking back at me anymore. He had diverted his gaze to a random spot on his sheets. He seemed frozen, the golden skin of his complexion had dulled to a pale shade, but the hand I was holding was hot and slick with sweat.

It pained me to see him like this. I knew my words must have upset him, I knew he loved me too much to easily be willing to let me go. I knew he hated the idea of a possible separation as much as I did. Yet his face was like stone, his mouth a perfect straight line, the corners neither turning upwards nor downwards, his eyes were narrow but his eyebrows were still and relaxed, not even that frown-line in between them to mark his struggle with his own emotions. He locked himself away again, deep inside of him, in secrecy. And here I sat, on the outside, excluded, a bystander, an onlooker, but there was nothing to see.

The nervousness in my stomach became vague - though the stinging in my heart only intensified. As much as I hated it, I was confronted with the truth Nettle had so callously predicted: there is something Heero is incapable of, something I desperately need and for both of us to be able to grow out of our shortcomings, we needed to focus on ourselves, instead of remaining in this relationship that makes us so consumed by the other.

It was a hard truth to face and I wished, more than anything, for something to happen to make this truth untrue, to make one or both of us changed people. But I gazed at Heero's face again and it was still impassive and my own heart still ached in response to the sight. Nothing had changed. I didn't blame Heero for not being able to open up to me. Even though the war seemed like a different lifetime, it was less than a year ago, the hurts were still fresh, the scars had yet to heal. If Heero so desired, he should be able and have the right and opportunity to tuck those feelings away and to ignore them for a little while so he can feel better. However, I also could not bring myself to blame myself for the fact that it was exactly this openness that I needed. I had spent a lifetime arms-length away from the people around me, either by my own doing or against my will. I couldn't stand living like that any longer. I didn't want to be excluded anymore.

With a bitter and dry voice I whispered: "We'll talk about it later. I'm gonna..." I let his hand slip from mine and with feeble knees I rose out of the seat. "I just have to go for a little while..." I croaked, tears stinging the corners of my eyes. With a bottom lip that I could not stop from shaking I said: "There is a change of clothes in your bag and some other stuff." I patted the bag that was on the night stand beside me.

Heero avoided eye contact during the entire exchange.

What is going to happen now? I am going to walk away and the best thing that has ever happened to me will be over? If we part, will we not only grow as individuals, but also, consequently, grow apart?

As I approached the door I had expected him to break the silence, but he left me hanging. His silence was the only thing that kept me from turning back and wrapping my arms around him once more, whispering in his ear that I would never let him go. If anything, his silence meant that he agreed. And how could he not, it was logic, logic cooked up by a women who, in her profession, excelled in problem solving logic, to the extent that she has diploma's and awards adorning her walls in honor of her logic. Heero, ever the Perfect Soldier, understood logic more than he understood anything.

I wished he would call me back to him, I would respond instantly. But the fact that he made no attempt to stop me as I neared the door with slow footsteps, created a hurt that I needed to get away from. If he was willing to let me walk away, than I should be willing to do so. after all, I promised to myself that I wouldn't hurt him anymore, that I would do what would be best for him. If he thinks that our separation could indeed benefit him, then I would have no choice but to honor that.

Standing in the doorway, I remembered something Quatre had told me, something Heero had said to Trowa in that other life. "Follow your emotions." He had said. My emotions told me to turn the fuck around and seat my ass back in that goddamned chair and continue to hold his hand. But my emotions had been wrong before. I didn't trust them anymore.

I was about to take that step that crossed the threshold into the hallway, when I heard his plea. A plea I had heard before and knew not to ignore this time.

"Please don't leave me." He had said, his voice nearly unrecognizable, his breath shaky and uncontrolled.

I turned around to look at him. His face was unrecognizable too.

He was looking at me with intense, honest eyes, peering through his haphazard bangs. His mouth was open with shallow, irregular breaths, the corners down turned. His eyebrows had formed an upset and begging expression. His features were sickly pale.

His cheeks were wet with tears that streamed down his face.

"I'm sorry." He said with cracking voice. "I'm sorry I am like this. I wish I was better. I wish I was better for you, because you deserve better than this. I am trying! I am trying so hard!" He exclaimed between sobs. "I just don't know if I am ever going to be good enough. I don't know if I will ever learn how to cry, or how to cook. I don't know if I am ever going to be able to live a normal life." He took a deep, trembling breath and continued in a whisper: "But I do know that without you I don't stand a chance at ever learning those things... You taught me what it is like to truly be in love and- and you taught me what it is like to truly be alive..."

Overcome by shock I hadn't been able to see anything. I watched a particular teardrop as it rolled over his cheekbone, followed the line of his jaw and then fell off the point of his chin, wetting the sheets below.

After a long period with only Heero's sobs and shaky breaths filling the silence, I pointed out dumbly, still very much dumbstruck: "You're crying..."

Heero's eyes widened in shock, like he hadn't realized it himself until I just pointed it out. He brought a hand up to touch his face. The tips of his fingers landed on the wet stream traveling down his left cheek and he seemed surprised at the touch of his own tears. He gasped, perplexed at his own display of emotion which neither of us thought he was capable of at that point in time. He swallowed loudly and then seconded: "I'm crying." He looked up at me with big eyes. The flow of his tears had stopped.

I worried briefly if embarrassment at the intensity of his own emotions would cause him to withdraw within himself again, but this worry was unfounded; it never happened.

Even though his face was still wet, his lips formed a genuine smile. He looked down at his fingertips that glistened with the salty wetness of his own tears. All of a sudden, completely out of the blue, he started to laugh. Like he had laughed at Relena's ball, that one night, a carefree moment in which he was overcome by himself. "I can cry." He spoke with wonder as his soft laughter died out. He looked at me with eyes that held a sense of: if I can do this, I can do anything. I noticed a glint in the blue orbs that had been absent for a long time, it was a glint of pride.

I was amazed. My heart ached at the sight of his tears but at the same time I was flooded with a sense of relief. I felt honored and truly happy that he finally trusted me - and himself - enough to completely open up. His loving words only added to the amazing experience and if possible, I loved him even more as I finally felt confident that he loved me back with the same intensity and that "us" was more important to him than anything else, and he was willing to face his pain for our relationship.

Somewhere in the back of my head, that tiny, lingering representation of the God of Death silenced Nettle's harsh evaluation. Rather than allowing my fears to confuse me, I decide to put faith in my emotions and pay heed to their demands.

Still without coherent words, I walked back to him with large strides and didn't stop to hesitate for a moment. With my hands I cupped his face, feeling the trails of tears under my palms. I leaned down and locked our lips to kiss him passionately.

Heero kissed me back.

It took a long time, but when we finally parted, he repeated softly, his breath spreading against my face: "Please don't leave me..."

"I won't." I whispered back. I had never wanted too and was only willing to sacrifice our relationship if it would be the only solution, one Heero agreed with. But with his tears Heero had proved Nettle wrong and he had proven to me that leaving him would not benefit him, but only hurt him. I returned the favor of Heero opening up by promising him I will no longer be misguided by my own expectations: "I won't judge you if you want to take the pills, or anything else you feel you need to do. I will be by your side, supporting you, for however long it takes. I promise. I will be better, for you." I emphasized, reflecting his earlier sentiment.

He didn't say anything, instead, he wrapped his arm around my neck and took firm hold of the base of my braid, pulling me down to his lips for another soul-searing kiss. "I love you." He breathed, the moment we parted.

"I love you too. So damn much." I chuckled and wiped his cheeks as new tears started to trail down, I had a feeling though that, for the most part, they were happy tears.

His eyes were beautiful and bright as they looked into mine. Behind the happiness and the relief and I saw his pain, his pain at all the things he has been through. I vowed to guide him through his painful memories and to one day make it stop hurting.

After long moments of staring into each other's eyes, Heero said back and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly and then attempted to dry his tears, but they kept flowing. "How do you stop once you've started?" He asked, followed by a mixture of a chuckle and a single sob.

I sat down in the chair and pulled the duffel bag Quatre and I had packed earlier into my lap, ripping the zipper open. I took out the set of clothes that was on top, presuming he would like to change out of that uncomfortable piece of paper as soon as possible. I placed the T-shirt and sweatpants on the bed beside him and dug my hand back into the bag, aware of his curious gaze. My fingers blindly found a little plastic bag and pulled it out. Wrapped in the bag was a spoon from our kitchen, I unwrapped it and told Heero to hold it, which he did with a flabbergasted expression. I continued my search and only mere moments later was I victorious. With an uncontainable grin, I wrapped my hand around the jar that had sunk to the bottom of the bag and pulled it out for him to see.

The smile he gave me was the most beautiful smile I had ever seen and his eyes lit up with a childlike joy as he identified the item in my hand. "Peanut butter."

"Peanut butter." I confirmed and unscrewed the lid. I offered the open jar to him and he dipped the spoon into the sticky substance, bringing up a liberal amount.

With an adorable, embarrassed smile he brought the spoon to his lips and licked off most of the peanut butter. What that did to me was unspeakable. I smiled brightly, enjoying the suddenly carefree and lighthearted moment that we shared. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. With his tears, he had shed not only some of his own pain, but some of mine as well and even though we still had a long way to go, I felt a confidence and hope returning to me which I had lost somewhere along the way.

Heero offered the remainder to me and I gratefully licked it off, looking at him mischievously. As my tongue tasted the peanut butter, I started to become aware of how hungry I was and also, more strangely, how badly I needed to pee. It seemed the stress of the situation had limited the needs of my body. I chuckled, amused at how one moment you can be thinking of your relationship possibly being over and the other about how long it has been since you peed.

Unbeknownst to my amusement, Heero's face grew grim and serious and he looked down as he dipped the spoon into the jar once more.

"What's wrong?"

He sighed and stalled by licking off another spoonful before he dared to look me in the eyes. "You know I'm not fixed yet, right? I'm still messed up."

"I know. Me too. But I will fix you and you will fix me. And until that moment comes when we are both healed, we will just be broken together. Broken but strong, because we have each other." I smiled at him and he smiled back.

"I really don't think Nettle was right. I don't believe in psychology."

"Good." I said. And good it was. To hear him say that, to know that he felt that way, convinced me that Nettle was, indeed, wrong about us, wrong about our capability to develop. I would only leave if he said it is what he wanted, what he needed, as long as he is saying the contrary, I will stay by his side, for as long as he will have me.

We shared another spoonful of peanut butter before Heero convinced me that his stay in the hospital need not last any longer than it already had. I had him wait till a doctor had come to check him and even though he preferred Heero to remain under hospital supervision till morning, we signed the discharge papers. I helped Heero get into his clothes and repacked his bag. We shared a look when my hand reached for the bottle of pills. I took a deep breath and then smiled at him. I tucked the bottle into a small compartment inside the duffel bag along with the brochure, zipped it up and slung it over my soldier.

"Ready?"

"Yes." He breathed.

I held out my hand and he took it and we walked out hand in hand, a cab waiting for us outside.

We escaped the hospital and Death, once more.

The world was dead quiet, few cars traveled the road, nearly no lights were lit, the windows of houses and apartments were pitch black. The cab came to a slow halt in front of our building, equally dark.

"Have a good night." He said as I closed the door and then slowly accelerated back onto the road.

We were back home. The furniture was all the same, yet the space felt different.

I put Heero's bag on the couch and then walked around the living room to turn on a selection of lights. As the room was illuminated, I saw Heero staring at the kitchen floor, his arms folded in front of his chest, almost like he was protecting himself.

"Are you okay?" I asked cautiously, walking over to him.

He sighed and then shrugged, but he couldn't shake his feelings. "I just remember standing there..." He replied honestly and heartfelt, with a soft tone. "The phone is in my hand but I just don't know what to with it. For some reason, all I knew was how one night, we sat at that dining table and ate birthday cake." He looked at me with a poignant expression. "That seems like such a long time ago, doesn't it?"

I nodded.

"The funny thing is... I don't think it was a memory. It was just us sharing a birthday, any birthday. I realized that I wanted to celebrate every birthday with you. Like you said, like what you said our life could be like..." He spoke almost reverently and his eyes abandoned mine again. "I think I'm starting to see it. My life that is." He shook his head, confused and frustrated. "It's just all very vague."

"Good." I walked up to him and wrapped my arm around his shoulders. "I like to leave room for surprises." I joked lightheartedly. "Why won't you get ready for bed? I'm just quickly gonna leave Quatre a message on his cell to let him know we are home, or he'll freak out in the morning."

"Quatre?" Heero wondered.

"Yeah, all the guys came down here to support you. They wanted to make sure you would be alright."

He frowned at that, wondering why they would ever do that for him. Even with his newly acquired power to form tears, Heero was still lost in most of the social interactions, but for the first time in a long time, that fact no longer caused me heartache or concern. I found it quite adorable again.

"You know, the five of us," I explained, looking into his beautiful eyes, "aren't just five ex-gundam pilots. We are five friends."

"I'm glad you have forgiven Quatre."

I smiled. "Me too. And guess what, Tro and Quat are getting married." I had expected him to respond cynically to that with a scoff and a remark along the lines that marriage was an outdated construct that served no true purpose in modern society.

He said no such thing. He said: "Good."

"Good?" I wondered, a little bewildered.

"Yes. When two people love each other, I think it is inevitable that a moment will come when marriage is the appropriate next step."

I grinned at him. "You are just full of surprises today." Even though I brushed it off casually, I tucked the memory of this moment away somewhere safe for future reference.

He blinked at me, not entirely sure what my comment referred to and tilted his head to the side in question.

I closed the distance between us and sensually brought my hands around to his back, stroking his body through the fabric of the T-shirt. I leaned in close, our foreheads and the tips of our noses touching. For a moment we just breathed the same air. Heero brought his hands up, placing them flat against my chest and then with a sigh and a melting of the stiffness in his body he pushed them over my shoulders and one of his hands wrapped strongly around my braid.

I couldn't believe I had almost lost him. To death... To an arrogant psychologist... To my own confusion...

When we kissed, it was the best kiss we had ever shared. I guided him to our bedroom where we undressed each other and lazily kissed with open mouths and the occasional inquisitive tongue till sleep overcame us.

The next day would be a day with problems like every day of our lives had ever been. But for the first time, it was a day without the doubt that in the end everything would fall apart like a house of cards. I would spend every day making up to Heero for ever thinking so. As we both spend every day proving Nettle wrong, growing together, rather than growing apart.

The night had been darkest right before the dawn, but now I could feel the warmth of the sunlight in my heart.

---

Jesus that took a long time. Okay, I must admit I am not entirely pleased with the way this chapter came out, but I put so much effort into it, I really had to accept the fact that at the moment this is the best I can do. So I definitely have a lot of doubts about this chapter, but for some reason this is just the way my fingers wrote it. I hope it was still a good read :S

I would be really thankful if you would let me know of your thoughts regarding this chapter :)

I'll try not to take this epically long again to update :S In the first epilogue you will find out what the boys do about the douche bag in Ethiopia and if Heero is going to continue taking the pills or not, I hope you will continue to read :)