Moments in time Chapter 36: Chandelier, a bleach fanfic

A/N: Alright, I'm back with another songfic chapter, but I couldn't resist using this song for this specific chapter. The song belongs to Sia, it's called Chandelier. In this chapter we get to see our couple as friends, trying to deal with Ran-chan's love of sake while she's trying to get over Gins death. I hope you like it! It's a really big chapter, and there will be a part two most likely.

Party girls don't get hurt
Can't feel anything, when will I learn?
I push it down, push it down

I'm the one "for a good time call"
Phone's blowin' up, ringin' my doorbell
I feel the love, feel the love

1, 2, 3, 1, 2, drink, drink
1, 2, 3, 1, 2, drink, drink
1, 2, 3, 1, 2, drink, drink

Throw 'em back 'til I lose count

She'd left work early to come home and take a nap, and now she was ready to head out for the evening. Friday was finally here, and she was relieved that she wouldn't need to work tomorrow, not sure how much more 'work' she could take. Ever since the winter war had ended there was more paperwork than she ever wanted to see again, and Toshiro had been a hard ass about making her do her fair share lately. She recognized that he was trying to keep her mind off of the way things ended, trying to distract her from thinking about him, but it wasn't helping. All he was succeeding at was making her hate the office even more, and driving her to drink every chance she got to sneak a bit of sake. It wasn't his fault that she was drinking so heavily as of late though, no that was a completely different beast all together, one she couldn't seem to defeat, no matter how much she imbibed. It seemed no matter what she did, she always thought of him, sometimes even still expecting him to come crashing through her door like he used to. If she thought watching him die in her arms had destroyed her, she didn't know what to call her state after learning that he had not been a traitor after all, but rather had played double agent, with the intent to kill Aizen. Not only that, but he had done it all for her.

While on one hand it made her love him even more, knowing that he always felt the same, even when he was pretending not to, on the other it made her want to kill him all over again with her own hands. Why couldn't he just tell her what was going on? Why did he feel the need to torture her and make her feel like she was nothing to him? Why did he have to lie to her? Why did he have to fail at the mission he set for himself? He didn't need to die on her behalf, and sometimes the guilt of knowing he did made it hard to breath, crushing her under its weight. Shaking her head to clear those thoughts, she took a deep breath, plastered on a smile and made her way to the bar. It had been awhile since their little rag-tag group of Rukongai strays had gotten together to drink the night away, and she wasn't going to miss it for the world. Byakuya had tried to get her to do something with him for the evening, but she turned him down. While it was true that he had become a very good friend to her, she was more interested in chasing her demons with sake currently. She knew that he was concerned for her, worried that she was not dealing with Gin's death, and he was right, but she wasn't ready to admit it yet, wasn't ready to stop running from it.

I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
I'm gonna live like tomorrow doesn't exist
Like it doesn't exist
I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry
I'm gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier

"Ran-chan! Over here! There's already a seat for you right here." Renji called across the room when she entered, patting the open pillow next to himself. "Thanks Ren-kun. Pour me a drink would you?" She asked as she approached the table full of her drinking buddies. Over time, she had become a master of making others believe that she was fine when she was not, and it seemed that her friends bought it, hook, line and sinker as she smiled brightly at them. Taking the drink Renji offered to her, she threw it back without wasting any time, enjoying the burn down the back of her throat, as it reminded her that she was alive. After a few rounds of drinking games she was feeling great, not a care in the world, exactly as she planned, and then a new presence approached the table, one she recognized, but could not believe had shown up in a place like this. "Brother? What are you doing here?" A confused Rukia asked. "Ca-captain? Is everything alright? Did something happen?" Renji asked, trying to sound more sober than he actually was. "Everything is fine Renji. I simply had some rare free time and decided I would like to have a drink. May I join you?" He asked, looking around the table at the group gathered there, all of their jaws on the floor.

She was shocked herself, but as drunk as she already was, she couldn't stop the laughter that started. "Who would have ever imagined the esteemed Captain Kuchiki showing up in a bar and hanging out, drinking with a bunch of commoners?" Giggling and raising a curious eyebrow in his direction. At least, that's what it felt like she was doing, she couldn't be one hundred percent sure. One thing that she was sure of though, was that he was there to keep an eye on her, like she was a child who needed to be watched constantly, and it pissed her off. Admittedly, she had blown him off a lot lately, and everyone else in fact, but she didn't need him to baby her and tell her it was all ok, or was going to be ok. His concern would normally be touching, but in this case it was suffocating. She knew he was just trying to be there for her, but she didn't want that, at least not yet, she wanted to drown herself in sake and pretend that she wasn't dead inside, was that so much to ask? Yes, he had lost his wife, but he could never understand what she was going through inside, no one could. That was why she had come out this evening, to show them all that she was ok, to make them stop worrying so much. If she could make them believe it, maybe she could convince herself too.

But I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight

As soon as he sat down, the mood at the table became less rambunctious and more solemn, and he knew it was because they were all trying to be on their best behavior in front of him, especially Rukia. "Please, do not allow my presence tonight to ruin the atmosphere. We are all off duty, and I am simply here to enjoy a drink. You do not need to censor yourselves. " He spoke, hoping to help them relax. Rangiku wasted no time in re igniting the happy atmosphere, she being the only one who didn't immediately sit up straighter when he arrived. Having a drink had just been a lousy excuse anyways, the real reason he'd made his way there was to make sure she was alright. She had broken down and talked to him about her troubles a few weeks after the war had ended, but ever since then it was like she was avoiding him as much as possible, avoiding everyone really, but he'd never had someone treat him that way and he wasn't sure how to handle it. Regardless, he would worry about that later, his main concern of late being the woman sitting across from him. Loud, crass, and a little uncouth, that was Rangiku Matsumoto. But she was also beautiful, smart, witty, strong and brave. He had never known a person like her, in all of his existence, and he didn't want to lose her friendship, but she was steadily letting the distance between them grow again.

It wasn't that she meant to, she just had a lot on her mind, he knew that, but he was confused as to why she wouldn't talk about it anymore. The answer, he realized, was literally right in front of his face. Taking a sip of his sake, he observed her for a few minutes, watching her smile and laugh with her friends. She was always the life of the party, a seemingly limitless bundle of energy, who knew how to make everyone around her feel like they were special, and that's where the issue came about for him. He could tell that the smile on her face was hiding deep pain, she couldn't quite keep it from her eyes, and after decades of wearing his own facade, he had become rather adept at noticing it in others. She gave so much of herself for others, but who could say they gave the same in return, who was there to make her feel special? He wondered if that was how she felt on the inside. Drinking had always been a favorite activity of hers, but she was starting to take it to the extreme lately. He'd run into Toshiro a few days earlier, and when he had asked the young man how she was doing, the response he received alarmed him a little. Toshiro seemed just as lost as he was about her behavior, and didn't know how to approach the situation, stating that she'd always found her way back on her own, but he was worried that might not be the case this time. He had agreed, she seemed to be running away from Ichimaru's death as if she were a freight train.

Sun is up, I'm a mess
Gotta get out now, gotta run from this
Here comes the shame, here comes the shame

1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, drink
1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, drink
1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, drink

Throw 'em back 'til I lose count

By the time the bar was closing she was so inebriated that she could barely stand, and he decided to make sure she made it home to her bed, whether she wanted him to or not. Assuring the others that he would make certain that she was alright, he grabbed the sleeve of her sweater and motioned for her to follow him. "Come. Let's get you home, you could use some rest." He said quietly. Nodding, she listened to him with no argument and began to stumble in the direction of her quarters. After catching her before she hit the ground for a second time, he decided that letting her walk on her own was no longer safe, picking her up into his arms and carrying her the rest of the way. She didn't put up a fight, one hand clutching the fabric across his chest and laying her head against his shoulder. He didn't dare use shunpo, out of fear that she would get sick. She hadn't said anything, and when they arrived at her door he thought she might have passed out, but she suddenly looked up at him. "Spare...above...the door." She slurred out quietly. Once they were inside he set her on her feet, but she didn't let go of him right away, leaning her weight against him and snuggling her head into his collarbone.

Just as he was about to put his arms around her, she pulled back and wobbled her way into her small bathroom, returning in nothing but a baggy t-shirt and her underwear. His cheeks flushed and he looked away as soon as he noticed this little detail, his heart picking up in response to the sight. She was indeed a beautiful woman, and the drinks he had consumed himself were still buzzing around in his system, but it would be wrong to openly stare at her, even if she knew what it was that she was doing. With his gaze focused elsewhere, he didn't notice how close she had come, until her felt her hand on his shoulder, looking up to see her climbing onto the couch with him, placing herself in his lap, her bent knees resting on either side of his hips. Before he could ask what she was doing she put her arms around his chest and pressed her forehead into the hollow at the base of his throat, stunning him into silence. "You're so handsome...wanna make out?" After picking her head up to stare at him for a few seconds. It felt like his brain shut down completely for a moment, and he just stared at her in disbelief, unable to form words to respond. Where had that even come from? Where was she trying to go with this?

"Sorry, I was just thinking...maybe we could add some...benefits to this friendship" Leaning closer, eyes full of drunken lust looking down into his own. "I do not understand what you mean by that." He replied, trying to ignore the breasts pressed to him. Oh Kami, he was going to have to stop this. He knew what she meant, but he was desperately trying to find a way out of the situation at hand. She was drunk, and he couldn't take advantage of her altered state of mind, no matter how much his body may have wanted to. Had she been sober, he may have considered her offer, but how was he supposed to turn her down without making her feel embarrassed or worse rejected? "Oh, you know what I mean." Pulling back, her hands moving to his chest. "I've been lonely...and it's been a long time. I bet you have plenty of benefits hidden underneath these clothes." Palms gliding down to his stomach, fingers lightly scratching down the thin fabric covering his abs. "I know there's plenty under mine." She whispered seductively, grabbing his hands, which he had left on the couch, and placing them on her hips.

"You are intoxicated. I cannot accept in good conscience. You would hate me in the morning." Trying to reason with her. "Oh come on, please? I promise it'll be fun." Bending forward and placing her lips to his neck. The shock that ran through his body at the light contact disoriented him for a moment and he felt his resolve beginning to erode, more and more as she began to suck and bite, using her tongue to sooth the area. He was brought back to his senses as one of her hands made its way between his legs and cupped the area. He couldn't let it continue, grabbing her by her biceps he forced her away from him. "Rangiku, no. Please stop this. This is not appropriate, you are not thinking clearly now, and I will not compromise on this. If you still feel the same when you are sober, we can talk about this then. But for tonight, you need to get some rest." He said firmly. There was a moment of silence as he watched her expression go from shocked to hurt, and right into angry. Great, this was not going to end well. "Fine. Your loss." She said with some bite. "Do you even know how many men would love to take me up on such an offer?" Her voice betraying the hurt she felt. "Many more than I can count, I am sure. But all those men would only be proving that they do not respect you. Especially if they would take advantage of you in your current state." He said softly, meeting her gaze. "Whatever." Waving her hand as if to dismiss him. "So you think I don't know what I'm saying, because I've been drinking. But did you ever think that maybe I just don't care anymore?" Her tone becoming frustrated, hands balling into fists at her sides.

"I was asking for some human contact, for a chance to feel...wanted...to feel like I matter." Turning and heading for her room. He was completely at a loss for words, as what she'd said had actually made sense. He could remember in the early years after Hisana's death, when he craved the touch of another to distract him from his pain, to feel intimate and blissful, if even for just a little while. But Rangiku deserved better than just a one night stand, and he was pretty sure that if he was to get involved with her intimately, once would not be enough. No, if she wanted to takes things into that territory it would have to be all or nothing, he would not settle for "friends with benefits" and he would not allow her to either. If they were to become intimate, she would be his and only his, and he would be hers as well. Over the months that he had gotten to know her, he realized that he'd come to care for her deeply, and lately that had toed the line of going beyond friendship, into territory he wasn't sure he was ready for again, but if she wanted the same, he would be willing to at least try. And there it was, the realization that he had feelings for her, that he was willing to let her in if she wanted. It honestly scared him a little, to think that she had so quickly and effortlessly slipped past his defenses, how had she managed it without him noticing? And now that he knew how he felt, his concern for her only grew.

She returned from her room, having put on some pajama pants, sake bottle and two cups in hand. "If you're staying, you're drinking." She said filling a cup and handing it to him. Standing, he took the cup from her grasp, and then proceeded to take the glass she had filled for herself right out of her hand. "What the hell?" She protested. "I have had enough for the evening, and so have you." He said, setting the sake aside. "Well, I guess it's just you and me tonight, buddy." She said to the bottle still in her grip. Walking over to the couch, she plopped down on it, turning her head up to look at him. "You can show yourself out." Taking a swig from the bottle. "I am sorry, but I cannot do that." Crossing the space between them and reaching for the bottle at her lips. "Who the fuck do you think you are? What is your problem?" She shouted, swinging as if to hit him. He easily dodged and grabbed her by the wrist, stopping her arm in mid-air between them. "I am concerned for you. I am simply trying to help." He replied. "Concerned? Concerned? Why is everyone so concerned all of a sudden?" Getting to her feet and pulling her arm from his grip. "Nothing's wrong, I'm fine! I don't need your help, I never asked you for it. And you think you can just come in here and tell me what to do!" Her anger apparent. "I'm a grown woman, and I will deal with things however I want, you have no right to say anything about it, you didn't get drunk, no, you shut yourself off from the world for half a century instead, so leave me alone." Crossing her arms over her chest and turning her gaze away from him. Ouch.

"You are correct, I did not deal with it very well, and I do not want to see you end up the same as I." Stepping forward and reaching for her. "I won't, don't worry about that. Let's be honest, you only think I've had too much to drink because of the way I just made a fool of myself in front of you, and now you probably think I'm just some drunken whore, but that's what people have always thought of me anyways so, oh well. Sake has always been a part of dealing for me, my life has been rougher than you could ever possibly imagine, what with all your fancy upbringing, and I just wonder why you care so much? I'm not hurting anyone." She said vehemently. " Please do not presume to know what I think, for you would be very wrong. More importantly, you are hurting yourself. I cannot stand by and watch you obliterate yourself, over and over again. I do not like to see you suffering so much. If I am honest, I worry that you will drink yourself to death one of these days." Trying to make her understand. "And if I do, that will be my choice! I don't need you to babysit me like I'm some child, incapable of taking care of myself. I'll be fine, as soon as everyone leaves me the hell alone for a while! God, just, get out already." Gesturing with one hand to the door.

"Fine. I won't try to stop you from drinking anymore, and I will let you deal on your own, but while we are being honest, why don't you admit this has nothing to do with the concern others have for you. This has to do with Ichimaru and you don't want to face that." He spat before he'd had time to think it through. "What did you say?" A shocked look on her face. There was no turning back now. "Look at you. You drink yourself stupid day in and day out. He wouldn't know what to think if he saw you right now, do you think this is what Gin would want for you? For you to be miserable and alone and wallowing in your self-pity?" The volume of his voice raising as he spoke. There was a long moment of stunned silence, and he knew that he may have just said the wrong thing, but she had needed to hear it. "How dare you. Get out." She said through gritted teeth. "Rangiku, I am so-" He started. "Get out! You don't know anything about Gin, or what he wanted for me. Don't ever say his name again!" Her own volume raising. "But I.." He tried again. "Get out! Get out, get out, get out!" She yelled, shoving him backwards, in the direction of the front door. She kept pushing again and again, until she had him outside. "I don't want to see you for a while. Go home to your mansion and your duties, I don't need you." She spat angrily. "You should not be alone right now, I am sorry for what I said, but I will not leave." He replied firmly. "Fine. Sleep on the porch for all I care." Slamming the door in his face. Turning and leaning against it. he slowly slid down to the floor, running a hand through his hair and letting out a long, tired sigh. She was so infuriating sometimes!

On for tonight
'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Oh, I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight
On for tonight

Ugh! The nerve of that man! What did it matter to him what she did to herself? Lately he'd been around too much, always trying to make sure she wasn't alone, and while that may seem nice to others, all she wanted was for him to go away. If she needed someone, she would say something. Was is so wrong to not want to have a breakdown in front of someone else? People already looked at her with eyes full of pity, she didn't want to give them more reason to think she was some helpless, fragile being. Rangiku Matsumoto had always been one for solving her own problems, and that wasn't going to change now. Grabbing her sake bottle back up, she removed the stopper and took a good, long drink from it, as she made her way to her room. Once there, she curled up in the bed and let the tears escape her. She felt like it was all hopeless, her world had ended with Gins death, and now there was nothing for her to keep living for. She didn't want to kill herself or anything, she just didn't know what she was supposed to do, who she was supposed to be, without him. She wouldn't admit it, but Byakuya had been right, Gin would be sad to see her trying so hard to hold onto the past instead of moving forward, but just this once, she wanted to just give up on everything for a while. None of it seemed to matter to her anymore anyways, so why go through all the trouble to act like it did?

If she could, she would just lock her doors, close the blinds, and not leave her apartment for a week or more. She wanted to be left alone to wallow in her misery, this pain was not the type of burden that she could share with others, why didn't they understand that? Why didn't Byakuya understand that? Speaking of, his presence had not moved from her front door, was he really planning to stay out there all night? It was supposed to be pretty cold. Despite her anger at him, she knew she couldn't just leave him out there, but he could wait a little longer, while she finished her glass and dried her eyes. Getting her things together for a bath, she started the water and then went to the door. "If you insist on not going home, then I suppose you can sleep on the couch. I'm not completely heartless." She muttered, watching as his body fell backwards to the floor when she opened the door. He must have dozed off while he was out there, he seemed a bit dazed as he nodded and slowly got to his feet. "I'm taking a bath, goodnight." She'd already left a pillow and blanket out for him.

Climbing into the hot water she felt all of her tension start to melt away. Sleep was the number one thing on her list for tomorrow, she had nothing to do and she wanted to waste the day being lazy and sleeping, nothing else. In fact, she was planning to take one of the pills Unohana had given her to help with that just before she finished with her bath. That way she would start to feel the effects just as she was crawling into the bed for the night. Ah, a good twelve hours of uninterrupted bliss was in store for her battered mind and emotions, it was just what she was needing. She wasn't worried about the mixing the pills with the alcohol, she'd done it a few times before, and since she always went right to bed, it had never caused a problem for her. After she washed up she drained the tub, but decided to fill it up again with clean water and soak a little longer, it just felt so nice and relaxing. Swallowing down the sleep aid, she leaned back and let the hot water work its magic, intent to get out and go to bed within a few minutes, but she never made it.

'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight
'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Oh, I'm just holding on for tonight
On for tonight
On for tonight