Disclaimer: I own nothing of the Host, only Aiden and Maecella.

I was left alone for three days in the darkness.

Except for the first day, Jared came in for a few minutes to give me food and water. Though, I never once ate any of it. He would set it in front of me, sighing when I cringed away from him, and walked out the door.

I was grateful for the lack of company. That meant I could have the aloneness to deal with the physical needs that I absolutely couldn't ignore. But as my fast lengthened, those need vanished.

I couldn't keep from sleeping, but I didn't try and make myself comfortable. The first day, I woke to find my head curled under my arm and my body covered by a blanket. Jared, I assumed was responsible for that. I threw the thing away from me, not caring where it landed. After that, I slumped against the stones where I was, and when I woke, I would curl back up into my silent ball at once.

On the second, Jared did not return to bring me food. Ian took his place. Except Ian wasn't as silent as Jared was.

He would try and coerce me into talking. Failing each time. He would keep it up for several minutes until he give up and walk away. Only to return with high hopes during the dinner meal.

"Please." Ian whispered on the third day, or at least what I thought was the third day. There was no way to be sure of the passing time in this dark, silent place.

I knew a tray of food was in front of me. He pushed it closer, till it came in contact with my leg. I cringed away from it.

"Please, Wanda. Please eat something."

He put his hand on my arm but moved away quickly when I flinched out from under it.

"Please don't hate me. I'm so sorry. If I'd known... I would have stopped them. I won't let it happen again."

He would never stop them. He was just one among many. And, as Jared had said, he'd had no objections before. I was the enemy. Even in the most compassionate, humankind's limited scope of mercy was reserved for their own.

I knew Doc could never intentionally inflict pain on another person. I doubted he would even be capable of watching such a thing, tender as his feelings were. But a worm, a centipede? Why would he care about the agony of a strange alien creature? Why would it bother him to murder a baby-slowly, slicing it apart piece by piece-if it had no human mouth to scream with?

"You should have been told." Ian whispered.

Would it have mattered if I'd simply been told rather than having seen the tortured remains for myself? Would the pain be less strong?

"Please eat."

The silence returned. He stood there for a while, maybe ten minutes.

Ian sighed and walked away quietly.

I wasn't alone for long. I don't know if Ian had gone to get him or if he had been waiting for Ian to leave, but I felt awareness that my body felt whenever Jared was near as he walked silently into the room.

I could make no sense of my emotions. How did it make sense that my depression started to lift when he walked in? How was it that my blood started to sing when I heard a click and saw a faint yellow beam light up and knew that he was close?

The bright beam of yellow light kept getting closer and closer, until it burned my eyes. I blinked against it. Jared turned it to the side and up.

"Get up."

I glared at the stone floor.

"Get up. You've had your time. Now get up and move on."

If I was being honest with myself, I knew that my mourning was over. I had grieved. I hadn't known the child or the other soul in the cave of horrors. I could not grieve for strangers forever. No, now I was angry.

"You going to starve yourself, then? Is that your brilliant plan? If you really wanna die, there are easier and faster ways."

As if I wasn't aware of that.

"So give me to Doc, then." I croaked.

Jared let out a frustrated breath.

"Get. Up."

I didn't respond, he grabbed my hands and pulled me to my feet. When I didn't cooperate and started to slide back down the wall, he grabbed my shoulders and pushed me back against it, trapping me there. He leaned in close.

"Did you expect them to give up, Wanda?" Jared's voice was stern and more serious than I had ever heard it before. "We have a stronger survival instinct that that. Of course we want to find a way to get our minds back. It could be any one of us someday. So many people we love are already lost. It isn't easy. It nearly kills Doc each time he fails. You've seen that. But this is our reality, Wanda. This is our world. We've lost a war. WE are about to be extinct. We're trying to find ways to save ourselves."

For the first time in a long time, Jared spoke to me like I was a soul. Not a human.

I couldn't deny the truth of what he was saying, or the sense of it. The shock had worn off, and I was myself again. It was in my nature to be fair.

Some few of these humans could see my side of things; Jared, Ian, and Jeb, at least. Then I, too, could consider their perspective. They were monsters, but maybe monsters who were justified in what they were doing.

Of course they would think violence was the answer. They wouldn't be able to imagine any other solution. Could I blame them that their genetic programming restricted their problem-solving abilities in this way?

I cleared my throat, but my voice was still hoarse with disuse. "Hacking up babies won't save anyone, Jared. Now they're all dead."

He was quiet for a moment. "We can't tell your young from your old."

"No, I know that."

"Your kind don't spare our babies. Only you did."

"We don't torture them, though. We never intentionally cause anyone pain."

"You do worse than that. You erase them."

"You do both."

"We do, yes-because we have to try. We have to keep fighting. It's the only way we know. It's keep trying or turn our faces to the wall and die." He raised one eyebrow at me. He held out a water bottle.

That must have been what it looked like I was doing.

I sighed and took the water bottle. I drained it in one long pull, and then cleared my throat again.

"It will never work, Jared. You can keep cutting us out in pieces, but you'll just murder more and more sentient creatures of both species. We do not willingly kill, but our bodies are not weak, either. Our attachments may look like soft silver hair, but they're stronger than your organs. That's what's happening, isn't it? Doc slices up my family, and their limbs shred through the brains of yours."

"Like cottage cheese," he agreed.

I gagged and then shuddered at the image.

"It makes me sick, too," he admitted. "Doc gets real bent out of shape. Every time he thinks he's got it cracked, it goes south again. He's tried everything he can think of, but he can't save them from getting turned into oatmeal. Your souls don't respond to injected sedation... or poison."

My voice came out rough with new horror. "Of course not. Our chemical makeup is completely different."

"Once, one of yours seemed to guess what was going to happen. Before Doc could knock the human out, the silver thingy tore up his brain from the inside. Course, we didn't know that until Doc opened him up. The guy just collapsed."

I was surprised, strangely impressed. That soul must have been very brave. I had not had the courage to take that step, even in the beginning when I was sure they were going to try to torture this very information from me. I didn't imagine they would try to slash the answer out for themselves; that course was so obviously doomed to failure, it had never occurred to me.

"Jared, we are relatively tiny creatures, utterly dependent on unwilling hosts. We wouldn't have lasted very long if we didn't have some defenses."

"I'm not denying that your kind have a right to those defenses. I'm just telling you that we're gonna keep fighting back, however we can. We don't mean to cause anyone pain. We're makin' this up as we go. But we will keep fighting."

We looked at each other.

"Then maybe you should have Doc slice me up. What else am I good for?"

He glared at me. "Do be ridiculous, Wanda. We humans aren't so logical as all that. We have a greater range of good and bad in us than you do. Well, maybe mostly the bad."

I nodded at that, but he kept going, ignoring me.

"You have value here. You belong here. There are some of us here who would value you above a human stranger. I put myself in that group. I count you as… someone I really, truly care about, Wanda. Course, that won't work well if you hate me."

"I don't hate you, Jared. But…"

"But?"

"I just don't see how I can live here anymore. Not if you're going to be slaughtering my family in the other room. And I can't leave, obviously. So you see what I mean? What else is there for me but Doc's pointless cutting?" I shuddered.

He nodded seriously. "Now, that's a real valid point. It's not fair to ask you to live with that."

My stomach dropped and my heart broke. "If I get a choice, I'd rather you shot me, actually," I whispered.

I got a look for that one. "Slow down, Wanda. No one is going to be shooting you or hacking you up. Not unless they want it in return. I know you're not lying, Wanda. If you say doing it our way isn't going to work, then we're going to have to rethink things. I'll tell the boys they're not to bring any more souls back for now. Besides, I think Doc's nerves are toast. He can't take much more of this."

"You could be lying to me," I reminded him. "I probably couldn't tell."

He took my face in his hands. "Wanda. I promise, I swear, on the lives of our children. I won't let it happen again."

My head swam. I took a deep breath, trying to think.

He let go of me and reached down at our feet.

"Eat something. That's an order."

Jared slopped a thick square of cornbread soaked through with stolen honey into my hand.

It made a mess there, crumbling into gluey morsels that stuck to my fingers. I sighed again and started cleaning them off with my tongue.

The smile he gave was dazzling. "Thank you, Wanda."

He wrapped me up in his arms. His breath washed across my neck. Goosebumps covered the area.

"I'm really sorry." He breathed into my hair.

"I know." I mumbled into his chest. "I'm sorry, too."

He pulled back after a long moment.

"There's something else."

I looked at him curiously. What else is there?

"Try not to freak out, okay?"

I froze. My hands tightened where they were gripping his shirt. When they got there, I didn't know.

"It's Jamie. And the twins."

Those five words turned my world upside down. I'd been Wanderer, a soul among humans. I was suddenly Wanda again, a very confused soul with human emotions that were too powerful to control.

"What wrong? Jamie? His leg?"

He nodded. "There's a little infection. Doc wants to keep him down. I pretty much had to strap him to the bed to make him stay there."

"The twins?"

A look came into his eyes. "Aiden and Mace have been running a fever. It comes and go, but when it comes back it gets higher. Doc thinks it's just a cold, but… he can't really be sure. He thinks both the infection and the fever will run its course."

"Run… its… course…"

"Eat something." Jared urged. "You won't be any good to any of them like this."

I rubbed at my eyes. Trying to think straight.

Jamie was sick. My children were sick. There was nothing here to treat them with. No options but waiting to see if their young bodies could heal their selves. And if they couldn't…

"No!" I gasped.

I felt as if I were standing on the edge of Walter's grave again, listening to the sound of sand falling into the darkness.

"No," I moaned, fighting against the memory.

I turned mechanically and started walking with stiff strides toward the exit.

Jared didn't try to stop me. He caught with me easily and shoved more food in my hand.

"Eat." He said.

I bit into it without tasting, chewed without thinking, swallowed without feeling the food go down.

"Are they in the hospital?" I asked in an emotionless, inflectionless voice.

"No. They're in our room." He assured me.

I didn't even feel relief. Too numb for that.

I would have gone into that room again for them, even if it was still reeking of blood.

I didn't see the familiar caves I walked through. I barely noticed that it was day. I couldn't meet the eyes of any of the humans who stopped to stare at me. I could only put one foot in front of the other until I finally reached the hallway.

There were a few people clustered in front of the seventh cave. The silk screen was pushed far aside, and they craned their necks to see into our room. They were all familiar, people I'd considered friends. Jamie's friends, too. Why were they here? Was his condition so unstable that they needed to check on him often?

"Wanda," someone said. Heidi. "Wanda's here."

"Let her through," Wes said. He slapped Jared on the back. "Good job."

I walked through the little group without looking at them. They parted for me; I might have walked right into them if they hadn't. I couldn't concentrate on anything but moving myself forward.

It was bright in the high-ceilinged room. The room itself was not crowded. Doc or Jared had kept everyone out. I was vaguely aware of Jared went after that, leaning against the far wall with his hands clasped behind him. A posture he assumed only when he was really worried. Doc knelt beside the big bed where Jamie lay, just where I had left him, except he the company of the twins next to him.

Why had I left them?

Jamie's face was red and sweaty. The right leg of his jeans had been cut away, and the bandage was peeled back from his wound. It wasn't as big as I'd expected. Not as horrible as I would have imagined. Just a two-inch gash with smooth edges. But the edges were a frightening shade of red, and the skin around the cut was swollen and shiny.

The twins were naked except for their diaper. From their heads to their toes their skin was flushed. Their hair was wet which either meant it was from set or they tried to cool them down.

"Wanda," Jamie exhaled when he saw me. "Oh, you're okay. Oh." He took a deep breath.

I fell to my knees beside them. I touched Jamie's face and felt the skin burn under my hand. My elbow brushed Doc's, but I barely noticed. He scooted away, but I didn't look to see what emotion was on his face, whether it was aversion or guilt.

"Jamie, baby, how are you?"

"Stupid," he said, grinning. "Just plain stupid. Can you believe this?" He gestured to his leg. "Of all the luck."

I found a wet rag on his pillow and wiped it across his forehead.

"You're going to be fine," I promised. I was surprised at how fierce my voice sounded.

"Of course. It's nothing. But Jared wouldn't let me come talk to you." His face was suddenly anxious. "I heard about... and Wanda, you know I -"

"Shh. Don't even think of it. If I'd had any idea you and the twins were sick I would have been here sooner."

"I'm not really sick. Not like… It's just a stupid infection. I'm glad you're here, though. I hated not knowing how you were. So did the twins, I think. They were crying a lot."

I couldn't swallow down the hard lump in my throat. Monsters? My Jamie? My babies? Never.

"So I heard you schooled Wes the day we got back," Jamie said, changing the subject with a wide grin. "Man, I wish I could have seen that! I bet Melanie loved it."

"Yes, she did."

"She okay? Not too worried?"

"Of course she's worried," I murmured, watching the cloth travel across his forehead as if it were someone else's hand moving it.

Melanie.

Where was she?

I searched through my head for her familiar voice. There was nothing but silence. Why wasn't she here? Jamie's skin was burning where my fingers brushed it. The feel of it-that unwholesome heat-should have had her in the same panic I was feeling.

"You okay?" Jamie asked. "Wanda?"

"I'm... tired. Jamie, I'm sorry. I'm just... out of it."

He eyed me carefully. "You don't look so good."

What had I done?

"I haven't cleaned up in a while."

"I'm fine, you know. You should go eat or something. You're pale."

"Don't worry about me."

"I'll get you guys some food." Ian stepped up. "You hungry, kid?"

"Ah… no, not really."

My eyes snapped to Jamie. Jamie is always hungry.

I measured Jamie's face. He was flushed, but his eyes were bright. He would be okay for a few minutes if I left him here.

"Jamie, do you mind if I go wash my face? I feel sort of... grimy."

He frowned at the false note in my voice. "Course not."

"I'll be right back. I mean it this time." He smiled at my weak joke.

I felt Jared's eyes on me as I left the room. I could hear Ian's footsteps following behind.

Only Jeb still stood in the hallway now; the others had gone, reassured, perhaps, that Jamie was doing okay. Jeb's head tilted to the side, curious, as he tried to figure out what I was doing. He was surprised to see me leave Jamie's side so soon and so abruptly. He, too, had heard the sham in my excuse.

I hurried past his inquisitive gaze, with Ian following behind me.

He continued to follow me back through the room where the tunnels to all the living quarters met in a big tangle of openings. Instead of keeping on toward the main plaza, he followed me into one of the dark corridors, picking at random. It was deserted.

"Wanda. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

He heard my lie.

"Wanda. What is wrong?"

I sighed. "I need help."

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" His hands ran over my arms, trying to see if I was hurt.

I grabbed his hands. My heart was already breaking by what I was going to ask him to do.

"I need you to kiss me, Ian."

Author's Note: Hey, guys, I hope you enjoy the chapter. Thank you for the awesome reviews and please REVIEW again!

I'll see you soon!

-BethDee