The older boy stood there with his head bowed, staring down at the ground with dull blue eyes that were missing their usual sparkle. He was uncomfortable and clearly anxious, and it showed in the way he was chewing on his chapped lower lip and twiddling his thumbs. Never had I felt as far away from him as I did right now, not even on our first random meeting on the lonely beach that disastrous afternoon. There was no hint of the usual joy and kindness on his face, he looked desperate and conflicted. Almost like a stranger.

"Cas?" my voice threatens to break, eyes dampening shamefully. He couldn`t be thinking about leaving me, he couldn`t abandon me just like that. He couldn't. He of all people knew how badly that would hurt, how much that would screw me up. I wasn`t strong like him, I wouldn`t be able to cope all on my own.

He peers up at me from behind sorrowful eyes, lips parting as though he were about to speak, but quickly thinks better of it, slamming them shut again.

"Cas. Please man, you can`t just leave. I-I need you. I thought-I thought that you cared. That you l-"

"I do, Dean," he stresses, obviously distressed. "I do care, and of course I love you, you fool. That isn`t what this is about."

"Then what is it about?" I throw back at him, disappointed in myself for letting my hurt seep through under the guise of anger.

I sigh, running a hand through bed-messed hair. How had it gotten like this? And so quickly? Just last week things had been perfect. Wonderful. The best they had been in years. I was happy, genuinely happy. I had Cas, my wonderful boyfriend who knew how screwed up I was and somehow still found good parts to love. Sam was a brilliant younger brother, incredibly kind and supportive, and I was working alongside my dad at his garage, just like I had always pictured as a child.

He exhales loudly. "Family."

I raise one eyebrow. "Family?" I repeat, sceptical. "You`re hiding something from me, Cas. I know you are," I add quickly upon seeing him about to protest. "All this weird business with your invisible family, the missing father and two brothers who never visit, but secretly pay everything for you. It doesn`t add up. Not to mention the last time I dared to mention it you flipped out at me."

He looks ashamed, still gnawing nervously on his bottom lip, but stays silent.

"I let it drop those times, because I get it. I really do. Sometimes you just don`t want to bare all your dirty little family secrets to a stranger, that`s fair enough. I mean, who would, right?" I continue, struggling to remain calm.

I manage, but I was growing frustrated, and he could tell. I loved him so much, but I didn`t understand why he insisted on keeping me in the dark about his past. I was no distant stranger, I was his best friend, his boyfriend. I had spilled my guts to him countless times, had I not proved my loyalty by now?

"I get that Cas, really I do, but I`m no stranger to you. I`m your freaking boyfriend. And sure, we haven`t known each other for long, but I feel closer to you then I ever have with anyone else. I thought you felt the same," I said, hurt seeping into my voice. "I`ve trusted you with things I`d never dream of confessing to anyone else, not even Sammy. And you can`t even begin to tell me the first thing about your past, or family. I know virtually nothing about you that matters. Do you have any idea how that feels?"

His eyes are damp, shame written across his entire face. "Dean, if you are trying to imply that I don`t trust you, that couldn`t be further from the truth, because I do. Very much, but this isn`t a matter of trust. I am trying to protect you. If you knew the truth about my family, well…" he trails off hesitantly.

"Well?" I push, not meaning to snap at him, but I was tired of this. "What are you keeping from me?"

I adored him, but I knew I was being lied to, and while I had been prepared to let it slide before, I wasn`t any longer. I wasn`t asking for a whole meet the parents things, but I think that I deserved to at least know a little background, especially now he was acting all weird and maybe going to leave because of them.

Another sigh. "I didn`t want to make you angry, or upset you. Believe it or not, but I thought that I was doing right by not telling you. I should have known it was quite the opposite."

I stare at him, and notice how different he looked. He looked tired, like he had been struggling against something for a very long time, and was failing. His once bright eyes were dark and pleading with me to drop it, but I couldn`t this time. This was something that wasn`t going to go away, and it needed resolving now. Either he trusted me, or he didn`t. I wasn`t prepared to lose him, and certainly not to some invisible family he clearly had issues with. He had helped me with mine, put up with all the crap that came with my own dysfunctional family, it was only right that I did the same for him.

"I know there is something you`ve been keeping from me, Cas. Since that day on the beach when you did a runner, I`ve known," I tell him, thinking back.

Sam and Adam had been confused, and even thought that I had been lying to them about meeting a friend. They both teased me a little, but Sam had tried to comfort me, but Adam only pestered me even further, going as far as to ask if I was sure that I hadn`t been imagining the older boy. A horrible thought crosses my mind, but only for a minute, because I quickly burry it deep down at the back of my mind, behind a ton of other crap I had labelled "do not disturb" many years ago.

"I`m sorry. I didn`t mean to-" he groans, cutting himself off and throwing his head back, tugging roughly on his dark, scruffy hair in frustration. "I can`t tell you everything," he starts slowly, eyeing me hesitantly.

I nod, allowing him to go on, partially dreading whatever it was he was finally going to admit.

"I come from a very large, very religious family. I have a lot of siblings. Gabriel and Balthazar were the ones I was closest to growing up, even if they did constantly pull pranks on me. Idiots," he smiles in spite of his words at some long passed memory. "But I had a lot of others, like Anna and Naomi. Anyway, so lots of brothers and sisters. Like I said before, Gabriel and Balthazar were the oldest," he frowns and adds on, "well, unless you count Raphael, but he had moved out by the time I was six or seven."

"Raphael?" I raise an eyebrow. Like the Ninja Turtle? "Exactly how many brothers have you got, and do they all have weird ass names?"

He smiles briefly and nods, then his face turns serious again. "I told you I come from a large family. Super religious folk aren`t exactly all gung ho about using birth control, so it's only to be expected," he continues to explain. "So dad left, but he was never really home all that much anyway, so it didn`t really sink in for a while. Gabriel and Balthazar looked after me, taught me how to look after myself, made sure I did my homework and ate my vegetables. But in such a large family there was bound to be some kind of conflict, and let's just say that some members didn't approve of a lot of things about myself, or my older brothers, and eventually they both left, making sure to keep providing for me, of course. By that time I was almost old enough to get out of that house, so I did and never looked back."

I nod along, things not really becoming clearer, but I was just appreciative of the fact that he was now trusting me with this heavily guarded information. It didn`t sound exactly fun, but hardly the giant shitstorm I had been imagining based on how cagey and secretive he had been.

"So why are you letting this bother you now?"

Another groan. "Dean, I told you-"

"Cas, just this one more thing. I deserve to know, especially if you are thinking about leaving because of it."

He frowns, eyebrows knitting together, but I could see the grudging acceptance in his eyes. "Alright," he nods in agreement, tongue slipping out to wet his lips. he takes a deep breath. "They`re looking for me."

My eyes bug out. "I`m sorry, what?"

"My family," he clarifies for me. "Well not all of them, actually, but some of them. They are searching for me. I suppose what with the holiday season fast approaching they think now would be the right time to fix past wrongs or what have you, and get the family back together," he rolls his eyes, a very unexpected move from the blue eyed boy.

"But like, what`s the problem? You`re an adult, so it`s not like they can drag you back home kicking and screaming or anything. They can`t force you to go anywhere," I smile, taking hold of his clenched hand and squeeze it gently. "So you don`t have to leave me."

He forces himself to return the smile, but it doesn`t meet his eyes and I can see something was still bothering him. "You of all people should know it isn`t that easy, Dean. I might not want to go back to that place, but they are family. And-and I didn`t go about things in the best way. I just ran off one day, they have every right to be unhappy with me."

"So you want to make things right?" I guess and he nods. "Well that`s not so bad. You could spend Christmas with them, stay a few days then leave and promise to stay in touch. Whatever happened in the past is surely all water under the bridge by now, I`m sure that they`re just worried about you and want to see you are ok."

When had I turned into such an Oli Optimist? I shake it off and press a kiss to his cheek. His shoulders remain tense, but his lips curve up into the smallest smile.

"Thank you, but I don`t think it will be quite that simple. Not with my family."