Disclaimer: Still don't own Scandal
AN: So, it seems I've lost a few readers, which is fine. I just wanted to thank you all for reading my story. I never expected anyone to take much interest in it to begin with and the fact that I have so many reading is truly humbling. With that said, I know this story has shocked most of you with the recent turn of events. I'm honestly surprised more of you aren't anti-Fitz but I guess that speaks about my skills as a writer. I will warn you all this is a little bit of a filler and I did add some fluff. Oh and we meet someone new. Thanks for reading and the continued support. (:
Chapter 35: Losing My Way
See I thought I was living the life
And the craziest thing is I'll probably never know the color of my daughter's eyes
And it is breaking me down
Watching the world spin round
While my dreams fall down
Is anybody out there?
It is breaking me down
No more friends around...
And my dreams fall down...
Is anybody out there?
Can anybody out there hear me?
'Cause I can't seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?
'Cause I can't seem to see myself
- Justin Timberlake: Losing My Way
October 16th, 2010
Once Olivia arrived back home, she threw herself into work and Josslyn. When Olivia shared with Sofia and Camille that she and Fitz had come to an agreement on custody but didn't elaborate, the two decided not to push. It was obvious something drastic had occurred during Olivia's weekend away. Her body language and mood were different. When people were around she was happy and upbeat, but it was clear something was eating away at her. There was a change in her.
Camille, determined to make their last week together memorable, had spent the previous week scheming. She wanted her cousin to be left with happy memories once the two went their separate ways.
"Okay, Libby, it's time to get you out of this funk," Camille shook Olivia's arms, who was staring out of her window near her nook.
"What, funk? I'm perfectly content," she shrugged, sipping on her wine.
"Look, I have no idea what happened at Camp David. All I know is that you're in a funk and FAPOTUS was sounding pretty down in the dumps when I spoke to him," Camille rambled as Olivia gasped.
"You talked to Fitz?"
"Yes. I twisted Cyrus' arm so I could get this all squared away. Now, don't be mad," Camille warned and Olivia raised a brow.
"Why would you say that Cami? What have you done?"
"So there's a change of plans. You aren't going to Camp David this weekend," she stated.
"Cami, I have to go. Fitz and I have an arrangement and..."
"Hush. It's our birthday week. Cyrus is going to pick Joss and take her to her dad. Jerry and Karen are going to be there also and the First Lady will be somewhere in California. You and I are going to spend the weekend in New York. You'll get to see some family and friends. We'll shop and party and get pampered. My job is make sure we enjoy our last few days together. We leave on Thursday and you arrive back late Sunday evening."
"My own personal fixer. Guess there's no arguing with you. You sound like a Pope," Liv smiled. She knew she could always count of Camille to pull her back to reality when she was too caught up. Even as children, when no one else seemed to notice, Camille could always sense when Olivia about to snap. Camile would find ways to make Olivia to enjoy life when if it wasn't what she want.
"I am a Pope. Remember, hyphenated last name. Embracing my Latino roots. Just because I get lazy at times and don't always write my entire name out, it doesn't just disappear," Camille teased, poking her cousin's side.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're a Pope. So we're going to New York. You're making me leave my baby, Camille," she frowned at the thought of being away from her little girl for a long weekend. While she hadn't been thrilled about spending the weekend with Fitz she didn't want Josslyn to be alone.
"Jossie will be fine. She's going to have a wonderful time with her siblings and Dad. You've been going nonstop. You need to take a breather and just be, Libby. You going to Camp David would have stressed you out even more," Camille said firmly, taking Olivia's wine glass and drinking from it. "Like I said, I don't know what happened between the two of you but for what it's worth, I hope you're able to smooth everything over by the holiday."
"Let's just say, he and I both crossed some lines, hurt each other. I can't see us getting back together. Friends...maybe one day in the distant future," Olivia shared.
"That bad," Camille's tone astonished as Liv nodded. While she'd been expecting something major, she didn't think it was going to be so damning. It was clear those two loved another and she couldn't see them not having a future together.
"We've just going to do this whole co-parenting thing for now," Olivia said frankly. She didn't want Camille to think poorly of Fitz and some things were better left unsaid.
"Well you know I'm here to listen. If you need to bitch, cry, laugh, or set things on fire, I'm your girl," she said sincerely, while trying to lighten the mood.
"Crazy, crazy Cami," Olivia laughed.
"Hey, you're crazy also. Let's get blame Mo'Ma Pope. It's all her fault!"
"I'll drink to that," Olivia raised her glass.
"Mom," Karen called as she entered her parents' suite.
"Yes, dear," Mellie halted her typing and made eye contact with her daughter.
"Did you and Dad get into a fight," Karen asked bluntly as she plopped down on the king sized bed.
"No. Why would you ask that," Mellie answered honestly. Truth be told, she and Fitz hadn't spoken much since his weekend with Olivia. She could only assume things didn't go too smoothly. He was on edge and back
"Well, I showed him my homecoming dress and he spaced out for a moment. When he finally came to, he started going on and on about how I'm turning into a young lady and not to make too many irrational decisions. And that you think you're life is heading in one direction but it really isn't. And that people make decision but can't predict the future. Honestly, Mom, I think Dad is either going to have a mental break or midlife crisis," Karen said as she twirled a loose curl around her finger. "Although, Jossie could be his midlife crisis."
"I think your father is realizing you aren't the little girl who used to ask him to check under her bed for monsters. You're growing up, Kare. And I bet, your dad is remembering all things he did in his youth and he's praying some boy won't try those things with you. Not only that but he has to live through it all over again when Josslyn turns your age," Mellie said quickly trying to calm Karen down. She knew she'd be having a talk with her husband soon.
"I guess..." huffed Karen, " I just hope he doesn't scare Christian on Wednesday when we have dinner. " While she'd never say anything to her mother outright, she was worried about her dad. His behavior was comparable to when Olivia resigned. Before the accident he'd been rather enthusiastic. She didn't want to see him turn back into the mere shell of a person he'd once been.
"Not only will your father scare him, I'm sure he'll put the fear of God in that boy. You're his first little girl. No matter how old you are, you're always going to be his little girl. For my sake, don't be too tough on him," Mellie smiled.
"I won't. I wouldn't want to risk Christian's life. Dad does have an entire army behind him. "
"Fitz," Mellie said softly as Fitz toyed with his iPad.
"Yes," He answered.
"Karen came to me earlier and was telling me how you went off on a tangent."
"She's not my little girl anymore," he said wistfully.
"She'll always be your little girl, Fitz, but she's maturing into a young lady."
"Please don't remind me. I just wish she'd stop growing. Why can't she just stay the little girl who would dance on my feet and have tea parties with me," he sighed as he reminisced.
"Life doesn't work that way, Fitz. Kids grow up, parents get old, that's how the world works."
"And just think, in fifteen years I have to do this all over again. In fifteen years I'm going to be an old man," he sighed.
"An old grey man with a scary security detail and a revolver. Don't worry, your girls will be safe. And they'll always love you," Mellie assured.
"I hope you're right, Mel," he chuckled lightly. "Karen has grown up right before my eyes, and I'm missing so much with Josslyn."
"Your kids love you. And you're the father every little girl dreams of. You may not be there for her everyday life but Josslyn will still admire you the way Karen does. The fact Karen came to you about Christian before me, especially as a teenager, speaks volumes," stated Mellie. "You'll be just fine. Now stop stressing. We'll have dinner in Wednesday, you'll enjoy your weekend with your kids and you'll survive the following weekend. You can handle this Fitz," her last words holding a double meaning. "You just need to get your head straight. I know you haven't been sleeping… I know you're still upset with me, but I'm here in you need me."
"I'll work on it,and….thanks, Mel," he chose not to comment on her last statement, returning to the document on his iPad. He wanted to believe her words but somehow he has doubts. For now he'd rather to ignore the issue. He didn't want to think about his eldest daughter going on dates or graduating from school on the near future. And he certainly didn't want to think about experience his youngest daughter's life in snapshots.
October 18th, 2010
"Good morning," Fitz greeted over the phone. "Happy Birthday."
"Thanks," Olivia returned. "I just finished getting Josslyn dressed and she heard music and took off towards, Camille."
"That's fine, take your time," he said easily, not wanting to say anything to upset her. "You should be receiving a package later today so don't be too surprised. And I know the kids will be calling you later."
"Thank you. I'm sure I'll enjoy my gift, and I'll be awaiting their calls. Nance, called me about twenty minutes ago," she shared as Josslyn came running toward her. "No running, Josslyn!"
"Sawwree, Mama," Josslyn smiled.
"I bet you are," she mumbled and Fitz laughed. "Here's Daddy."
"Dada, Dada, Hi! Meeeh hah-pee! Mama day! Mama day, Dada!," Josslyn rambled on, plopping her butt right on the floor.
"Good morning, HoneyBee! Yes, it is Mommy's birthday. That means you have to be a good girl for her. You have to treat Mommy extra special. Can you do that for me?"
"Yes, meeeeh good Mama. Mama day."
"Good girl and if Mommy tells me you were extra good, Daddy will have something special for you in Friday."
"Yay," Josslyn dropped the phone to clap her hands. "Oops," she looked up at Olivia and then back to the phone.
"Just pick it up, Poppet," Olivia instructed, laughing at her daughter's expression. One would have thought she had done something she knew she shouldn't be.
"Hi Dada, bye Dada, luff yoooo," Josslyn said quickly. "Muwah," she kissed the phone and handed it back to Liv.
"What did you say to make her drop the phone," Olivia asked and as Josslyn ran toward the music. "Josslyn Aria, no running!"
"I told her if she treated you nice that I'd have a surprise for her on Friday," Fitz answered.
"Start bribing her at a young age I see," she responded.
"It work with the other two," he said jokingly. " Well I have a teleconference to get to. Enjoy your birthday."
"Thanks I will."
October 22nd, 2010
The remainder of the week went by without a hitch. Fitz managed not to frighten Christian too much. After the initial awe wore off, Christian warmed up and made quite the impression on the First Family. That night, Karen made sure to give her dad an extra hug as a thank you.
The following evening, Camille, Olivia Sofia and Josslyn shared a tearful goodbye as Camille wouldn't be returning to DC with Olivia. Josslyn was upset to see Camille and Olivia go but she calmed down when Sofia distracted her with some music. The train ride to New York was a pleasant one. The cousins spent their time reading and chatting.
Their time in New York was just as fulfilling as always. It was exactly the type of trip Olivia needed.
"Liv, it's good to see you," Dominic greeted warmly. He had been out cold when the two had arrived from Washington the previous night. They had attended Harvard together during undergrad and had been friends ever since.
"You too. I see you finally decided to make an honest woman out of Cami," she joked.
"I did. You know my mother would have killed me if I let her get away," he smiled over at Camille.
"We both know Camille isn't going anywhere. You're the only person who would willing put up with her craziness," Olivia teased.
"Hey, I resent that. I'm not crazy. I simply keep everyone around me from leading boring lives," Camille defended.
"Yes you do, Baby," Dom went and kissed her cheek.
"You're such a kiss ass, Dom," Liv teased.
"Nope, I'm just smart enough to know not to piss Cami off on her birthday. Speaking of which, are we still on for dinner this evening," he directed the question to Camille to nodded in response.
"Dinner? No one said anything to me about dinner," Olivia looked at the couple.
"Did you honestly expect me not to take my two favorite ladies to dinner for their birthday. I already missed little Josslyn's first birthday."
"She understood and loved your gift. You'll have to tell us all about working in London. I know this one over here missed you while you were away."
"I sure did. But I had Olivia to keep me company. I never knew DC could be so exciting," Cami teased Olivia.
"Well, I'll have to make down there for a visit; although, I'm looking forward to seeing Josslyn over Christmas," Dominic respond and Olivia and Camille shared a look. "Hey, I know that look. What aren't the two of you saying?"
"I'm spending Christmas in California with the Grants," Liv shared. "I thought Cam had told you, Dom. I'm sorry. Are the two of you still sending Easter down in Florida?"
"It's fine Liv. I mean who says no to the President, right? And yes, Florida is the plan for Easter," Dominic answered.
"I still don't know how you do this long distance thing. The separation has to be brutal," commented Olivia.
"You know we've come to terms with our predicament. Plus it makes our time together even more special," Camille answered.
"I know, I know. I'm happy for the two of you, truly," Olivia smiled at them both.
"Well ladies, while I'd love to stay and lounge around with you all day, some of us do have to work. I'll see you later," he leaned over and gave Camille a kiss. "And make sure she doesn't get into too much trouble," he kissed Olivia's cheek.
"Will do, Dom. See ya!"
"Bye, Dom. Love you."
"Love you too, Baby," Camille said as he left the apartment.
"Thanks for dragging me here, Cami. A weekend away is just what I needed."
"Anytime, Liv, anytime. Now, how about we get ready to do some shopping."
October 23rd, 2010
Fitz and his kids had spent a quiet night at Camp David on Friday. They had dinner which was followed by them playing with Josslyn until her bedtime. Then he helped Karen and Jerry with their homework and played board games. When Jerry awoke the next morning, he found Josslyn in her room singing to her elephant. Wanting to bother Karen, he thought up a way to included Josslyn to make their weekend more entertaining.
"Now Joss, you have to be quiet," Jerry held a finger up to his lip.
"Ssshhh..." Josslyn said.
"Yes, ssshhhh," Jerry nodded and cracked the door to Karen's room. He grabbed Josslyn's hand and snuck into the room quietly. He took the container of yogurt end carefully spread it onto Karen's face. Then her gave Josslyn the honey and let her dump it onto Karen. Afterwards, he showed Josslyn how to sprinkle chocolate chips and shredded coconut onto their older sister. The two snuck out of the room skillfully and returned the items back to the kitchen.
"Good job, Jossie," Jerry high-fived the younger Grant to let out a gleeful squeal.
"What are the two of you up to," Fitz asked as he walked into the room.
"Just some sibling, bonding," Jerry answered as Josslyn ran over to Fitz.
"Jer, I know I'm old but I'm not that old. So what would the two of you like to breakfast since Sleeping Beauty hasn't risen yet," he joked about Karen.
"Oatmeal and fruit sounds good to me," Jerry said.
"You want oatmeal, HoneyBee," Fitz turned his attention to Josslyn.
"Yes, oh-meel, yummm," she rubbed her tummy.
"She's so animated," Jerry laughed at his younger sibling.
"That she is..." before Fitz could finish his sentence he heard Karen's voice.
"Dad," she screeched as she made her way into the kitchen. There she stood with yogurt, chocolate chips and coconut dripping from her face. "I am going to kill you son," she grunted as she stormed towards Jerry. Josslyn laughed, taking in the scene as Karen tackled her brother.
"No fighting you two," he said as he set his youngest down. In actuality, he found the scene humorous as Karen smeared the concoction onto Jerry.
"How can you take his side," Karen growled as she punched Jerry once more.
"I'm not taking his side but you know I don't condone violence."
"This is an exception. Look what he did to me."
"Hey... Jossie and I thought you would like your new makeover," Jer said between laughs "Right, Joss?"
"Yes, KC, bee-ti-fuuul," Josslyn declared.
"See, Josslyn thinks you look beautiful and I always think you look nice, KC," Fitz assured as his kissed her head.
"You aren't helping, Dad. This is so messy and Jerry needs to change my sheets," she commanded. "I'm off to shower. "
"Do I really have to change her sheets?"
"Yes, and clean up this mess. You should know not to get on Karen's mad side. And stop trying to corrupt Josslyn."
"But she's cute. She's the perfect little partner in crime," Jerry's tone mischief as he went to gather cleaning supplies. Fitz picked up Josslyn who gave him a bright smile, and for the first time in a while Fitz laughed. It was forced nor fake. It was a bellyaching laugh, the type he could only receive from his children's antics. While Josslyn wasn't sure what had caused her father's laughter, she decided to join him.
As October ran into November, Fitz and Liv found themselves in a steady routine. Morning phone calls and evening videos chats. Unfortunately, they had to cancel their visit for the month of November. The only weekend that was available happened to be Thanksgiving weekend, the same weekend Olivia would be in Tennessee visiting her grandfather. However, when Fitz was out of town speaking to troops in Colorado, Olivia and Josslyn attended one of Karen's recitals, allowing the children to spend time together. Olivia figured it would do Josslyn some good and personally she'd be able to stay up-to-date with the kids.
November 25th, 2010 – Thanksgiving Day
"Tripp, I thought I might find you hiding in here," Nancy said as she entered her brother's private study.
"I just needed a few minutes to myself. Our children are just..."
"Loud, obnoxious, chaotic?"
"All of the above," he offered.
"The girls have been talking nonstop about their boyfriends and the guys have gone to watch the game," she informed as she took a seat. "I must say, Karen is quite smitten with this Christian."
"Oh the family joys of holidays," Fitz said sarcastically. "And Christian, I like him. He doesn't raise any red flags and he treats Karen well. It also helps that he's focused on his studies and made that very clear to Karen."
"Good for her."
"And it also helps that I know his family."
"Speaking of family, how is my new little niece? I wish she could have been here," inquired Nancy.
"Josslyn is doing great. This morning she babbled on. I miss her," he gave a weak smile.
"I'm sure it can't be easy not seeing her every day."
"No, it isn't but what can I do? That's the way things are going to be from now on."
"Tripp, are you happy?"
"What? Why would you ask that?"
"Because, I've seen you twice in last three months and you've seemed rather down. I don't know if it's the job or you kids or maybe even the women in your life," she probed, hoping he's open up to her.
"Nance, I honestly don't know what I feel at this point. My job, I love it. My kids, they're healthy and happy. While I do wish I could spent more time with Josslyn, that isn't feasible right now," he sighed," And things with Mellie are fine, civil. We haven't been arguing lately."
"And Olivia?"
"Things with Olivia are tense. I said some things, things I never should have thought, let alone allowed to leave my mouth. Now, she doesn't trust me and in all honesty I don't blame her," Fitz shared sullenly.
"How does Josslyn fit into all this?"
"Josslyn, everything with her is squared away for now. I just don't know Nance... I'm forty five years old. For all intents and purposes, I'm living the American dream but..."
"But..." her voice a nudge.
"But I've never felt so purposeless and out of control. I don't know who I am anymore. The one good thing in my life besides my kids and I ruin it. It didn't take the time and didn't put in the effort and now it...now she's gone."
"Tripp, just because you said some things out of anger or frustration, it doesn't mean Olivia is gone for good. I'm sure once you've both had time to yourselves..."
"No, Nancy, I don't think you understand. If Olivia ever speaks to me outside of a context that doesn't pertain to Josslyn I'll be amazed. And she and I having a future together, I ruined it. "
"Tripp, I'm certain it isn't as bad as you make it seem."
"Trust me, Nance, it is. In the beginning it didn't seem so bad but after we fought and the more I thought, I realized how out of line I was. How deeply my words affected her," he paused momentarily to meet his sister's gaze. "I love her, at least that's what I've been telling myself but if I really, truly loved her, I never would have said what I did. And the things I said, I know Mom is probably rolling over in her grave."
"Tripp, you know no matter what, Mom loved you for you," Nancy said sincerely. She didn't know why she hadn't put two and two together. The day would have been their mother's birthday; it didn't help Thanksgiving had been her favorite holiday. With the grief over their mother, his dispute with Olivia, and Josslyn's absence, it was no wonder Fitz was feeling down.
"I know she would have. Been things I said to Olivia, that wasn't the man Mom raised, Nancy."
"Fitzgerald," Nancy's tone came serious. She was worried about him. Sure his professional life was stable but that was about it. She'd always felt he hadn't truly grieved for their mother, and was afraid what the loss of Olivia would do to him. "You know I'm always here when you need me but have you ever thought about seeking a professional?"
"A shrink?"
"Yes a shrink. I have one. A personal one and a marriage one. I swear there's no way I could be married this long and have the profession I do without my therapist," Nancy said frankly. After thirty years of marriage and six kids, she and her husband had learned sometimes talking to an objective party was the best thing for the both of them.
"I had no idea."
"Because you didn't ask. I'm not saying you have to find someone this minute but just think about. I don't want to see this swallow you, okay? At times, it does good to receive an outside perspective on certain things in life."
"Thanks, Nance," he said with a quick hug. "When did you become so smart?"
"About forty five years ago when you came along and I stopped being the baby," she smiled.
The week after the holiday, Fitz gave Cyrus the task of securing him a trustworthy therapist. By the end of the week, Cyrus had already set up time for the two to meet in one of the private rooms in the residence. Dr. Isabel Thoms was a seemingly laid back woman in her late fifties. Her presence was welcoming and Fitz found he could speak to her with ease. The two met twice a week, for approximately two hours. While he knew there was a long road ahead, that there were still a few demons he had to battle, Fitz had a positive feeling about the arrangement.
AN: So quite a few things went of. Some of you asked about Dominic so I decided to throw him in there. Fitz got some happy time with his kids and Liv got a happy birthday. Jerry and Josslyn Grant, partners in crime. And let's not forget poor Karen worried about her dad. And Fitz decided to get some professional help, good for him. Tell me what you think. Ask questions. Give predictions. As always thanks for reading and reviewing. Next chapter should be Thursday but don't hold me to that. See ya soon. (:
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