Author's Notes – Just got to clarify one thing since it probably was a little confusing. Last chapter's kiss was meant to be a test for when Rinoa said, "It's okay Squall. Do what you feel you have to do. I won't mind." in regards to the act (which could possibly involve kisses/hugs/etc.) but the problem was that the feelings for his former girlfriend got in the way and interjected themselves into it. Notice how he was looking into her eyes before he did it and that's the only thing she and Iris had in common? So anyways, it's not a matter of him liking Rin and finally being up front about it, it's a matter of the distraction of homework not being enough.

You know how it is when someone's on medication for a while and they build up a resistance so they need to take more so that it has the same effects? It's like that. So anyways, what Squall means when he says, "We both know of each other's past and...this isn't an option now," it's that it wouldn't be wise to fake those things because of the things in their past still affecting them.

Whether you want to include Rinoa's past is purely up to interpretation though.

Anyways, other than that, I think that the last chapter went well, so I think it would be best to continue on that note, huh? After all, I can't make you guys wait another three months. ;D

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Chapter XXXIII – Out In The Open

-

I am damaged at best,
Like you've already figured out,
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing,
With a broken heart that's still beating,
In the pain, there is healing,
In your name, that finds meaning,
So I'm holding on.

-Lifehouse, Broken.

-

With the door shut and locked, Rinoa gazed at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, looking at the scene before her. Clad in her pyjamas, she cupped the bottom of her partially-rounded stomach, the one she created with the aid of a few carefully layered pieces of clothing tucked underneath, creating the illusion of the stomach she would have had in a different circumstances.

She wondered about the trivial obstacles her alternate self would have faced by now. Would she have already had the talk with Cid, brought on by her suspiciously-expanding midsection? Thought of baby names? Bought her first pair of elastic-waist maternity jeans? There were so many silly little questions in her head, but none that mattered. It hurt to think of the more serious ones.

Rinoa dug the clothes out of there. The exercise wasn't helping. It wasn't that she was out to depress herself with these possibilities, but rather trying to recreate the same types of thoughts that must have been going on inside of Squall's after what happened today. How tortured was he on the inside to involuntarily make the mistake of interjecting his feelings for his former girlfriend into the kiss that was probably meant to gage her words? That was the concept she was trying to re-enact. And so far, it was to no avail. It wasn't that she was over it; it was that there was no suitable real-life substitute that seemed to parallel her being Squall's ersatz substitution for Iris.

And with a sigh, she gave up and headed to her room for the night. There was no use to continue this experiment anymore. There was school tomorrow and it was already midnight.

-—-—--—-—--—-—--—-—-

Wednesday, January 12th —

As I look at the clock and notice that it's already 1:30, I'm not surprised that I can't sleep. I think I saw it coming after I stopped writing in this journal a few hours ago. It's one of those days.

But I think the main offender here doesn't have to do with Squall. It has more to do with the missing piece of the puzzle at the heart of this — Iris Piers. With all of this stuff going on, I couldn't help myself; I had to dig up something. Obviously, with no one to ask (I assume everyone's fast asleep here), I resorted to the online yearbook Balamb Garden has after remembering what Adrienne had told me awhile ago — she'd mentioned that the Garden had too many students to make actual yearbooks worth selling (it would take too much paper and ink to keep costs down, I'd imagine), so they put it online for those who had a Garden access code. I had skimmed through the later editions a month ago when she'd first talked about it, so it wasn't too hard to find what I was looking for.

...And Squall wasn't kidding when he said that she wasn't anything like me.

The first page I looked at was their Grade Eleven yearbook. Squall looked very much the same save for a few minor changes, only his hair wasn't as long and he was about two inches shorter, maybe a little less square in the shoulders. His face looked more youthful and less tired; his eyes looked a little brighter. But Iris...I can't even begin to describe how pretty she was in those yearbook pictures. She had soft, oval face, long dark blonde hair, a very trim athletic figure and dark brown almond-shaped eyes like mine. But the thing that I noticed the most was the big friendly smile she had on whenever someone took her picture, whether it was for a sports-related picture, a snapshot with a bunch people who might have been her friends, or even her school photo. I couldn't help but imagine that she was a very warm person even though I've never known her.

After that, I checked out last year's yearbook and noticed that she was even prettier then. I think that the maturity she must have gained over the Grade 11 summer brought it out in her face and figure because she wasn't just cute like the other year, she was stunning – something I know that's never going to happen to me because I know that I cap out at 'cute' at best (unfortunately, I didn't get all of my mom's genes).

Um...getting back on the subject again, in this year, Squall looked closer to the person he is now, the only thing missing this time around was the deadness in his eyes and the eternally-tired look – the rest was more or less there, well...minus the few extra inches on that mop of his. Either way, as the time passed, judging by the different events the photos showed, the more shy Iris's smiles were in the random shots taken of her post winter break – Squall was nowhere to be seen to judge his expressions.

Without any sports photos after February, the pictures of her were far and few between. The hoodies were there, but if Squall hadn't ever told me about it, I wouldn't have ever guessed that she was pregnant at all. The only picture I might have picked up on that was the very last photo of her. Not because I noticed a belly poking out (despite the fact she must have been around about 3 or 4 months along in the picture), but by how she had her hands over top of her stomach in the way I always see pregnant women do, dressed in a huge, paint-splotched white t-shirt with Nat smiling with her, wearing the exact same kind of plain, yet colour-specked shirt. This made them look like twins rather than cousins when they must have been working on the half-painted café backdrop behind them.

Hyne, I almost wish I didn't look at those pictures. It's not like her death was any easier to swallow when Squall said those words, but after looking at the photos and getting to know that little bit, it's hitting harder than I thought it would have. Or maybe it's just a delayed reaction, I'm not sure anymore. All I know is that if I keep writing about this I might end up smudging the ink with tears.

It's safe to say that I honestly don't know what to expect tomorrow though. I know he's not going to be like he was at the end of the walk, but if the distraction schoolwork is giving him is not enough anymore and he's using this too, who knows what he might try to do to stop thinking about her? No...never mind, I won't go there. I trusted his judgement before and that's not going to change. This was exactly the kind of thinking he talked about earlier. I'm not going to fall into that trap. In spite of all this, I know that he's still a very rational person. He won't abuse this. I'm just hoping that it'll be enough to get him through this rough patch.

I don't want to see him in anymore pain than he's already in. He doesn't deserve that. It's bad enough that he's had to stoop so much lower and make due with me today. Come to think of it, I can't even imagine of what Raine thinks of this relationship. I might have to ask him when things have calmed down. In the meantime, I should avoid dying my hair blonde. I think he'd lose it then.

I just looked at my clock and it says 2:00 now. I'd better stop writing now and try to go to bed. I might get five hours sleep if I'm really lucky.

-—-—--—-—--—-—--—-—-

Knock! Knock!

Rinoa turned over and put the covers over her head. Whose bright idea was it to be knocking at her door so...early? It couldn't have been more than 6:30 at best judging by the intensity, or lack there of, of the sun's rays warming up her eyelids.

"Mom...let me sleep. I'm tired." she yawned through the comforter, curled up in a little ball. The door opened, much to her dismay. Grappling with the inevitable defeat, Rinoa groggily rolled to the other side to see the time on the alarm clock and the door.

She nearly bolted out of bed. And not just because of the time on the clock.

"...What are you doing here?" she yelped, trying to cover her ratty pyjamas with the covers.

He furrowed his brows. "Your mom came in here a half hour ago to wake you up. She thought you would have changed by now." he replied in a cool, even tone.

Rinoa blinked. "Okay, I probably fell asleep again but...that really doesn't explain why you're here."

He shrugged. "I assumed that it would have been a good idea to bring you to school for the charade so I sent you an e-mail. You never replied so I called your house this morning and your mother was okay with this."

She cast a glance at the doorway where he was standing. "Um...it's a good idea. I just...need to change and get ready." she semi-coherently mumbled. "Er...just out curiosity, how did you get my phone number?"

"Phone book."

"Oh."

Trying to slink away before it got anymore awkward, Rinoa swiftly got out of bed and made a beeline for her drawer and busied herself by digging through the tangles of clothes in there. As she dug for something suitable, yet light, in case if she was embarrassed to the point of giving off body heat, the room filled with a deathly silence. Remembering something, she turned around. He was still there at the doorway. If it were anyone else, she might have been annoyed, but seeing as it was Squall...she assumed that he was probably waiting for her to tell him what to do.

"I think it's too early in the morning for a peep show." she joshed, stifling a yawn at the same time. "I'll go in the bathroom to change. You can sit here on my computer chair while you're waiting."

Within moments, he was sitting on the chair and she was in the bathroom, trying to change quickly. The effort was relatively successful save for the thoughts in her mind bogging her down, namely about the person who was sitting in her room at the moment. While the act of bringing her to school was harmless and slightly ingenious to say the least, it was the 'at school' conclusion to that which was most bothersome in her head. It annoyed her not knowing what to expect, nagging her at every turn. Sure, she liked surprises but there was something to be said about a little heads up.

Sighing, she looked in the mirror and started dabbing on some make-up. Nearly a minute later, Rinoa blinked, realizing that she'd unwittingly put on more than usual. She had to laugh. Maybe, just maybe, her subconscious was finally starting to help her out with this act. In any case, she put away the cosmetics, gathered her pyjamas in her arms, opened the door and walked back to her room. Squall was still sitting on that computer chair, languidly staring at the patch of ceiling above him. He hadn't even noticed her come back into the room.

After haphazardly throwing her sleepwear on top of her bed's mottled covers and checking her backpack to make sure everything was in there, she glanced over at him again. He wasn't looking at the ceiling anymore, he was absent-mindedly staring at her computer's screensaver this time. Rinoa flinched. With the slightest nudge of her mouse, it would get rid of her flying toaster screensaver and he'd be able to see what she'd been up to, especially since she'd left it on that last picture of Iris and Nat. Not a good thing.

"...Squall?"

He turned around almost immediately. His arm brushed against the mouse in the process. Rinoa tensed up a little; the picture was visible amongst the glaring white background of the online year book.

"I'm done with everything. We can go now." she said, strapping on her backpack at the same time.

He got up from his chair and just when she thought she was safe, he turned to tuck the chair under the desk. His eyes met up with the photo at point-blank range. He froze for a second before walking away from it with elongated, but never awkward, strides. Rinoa followed him out of the room and shut the door. She was surprised he hadn't accused her of meddling in something she had nothing to do with.

Then again, he had no proof that she even knew what Iris looked like. There weren't any names attached to the picture.

-—-—--—-—--—-—--—-—-

Following a short hello and goodbye to her mother and bypassing breakfast altogether, as the clock's time was to blame, Rinoa now found herself in the passenger seat, buckling up in a new-looking light-blue sedan. Squall was just about ready to turn on the engine when he turned and looked at her, eyeing her bag.

"...You can put that in the back if you want." he suggested. Rinoa shook her head.

"No," she started, clutching the school bag, "I'll be fine."

With a quick nod, he started the engine, letting it idle for a few minutes to warm up. The radio automatically came on to some generic rock station. Rinoa was temped to ask if he wanted it off to talk but she kept her mouth shut, certain that he didn't share the notion of tepid conversation with her.

A minute later, he pulled out of the driveway. The clock on the dashboard indicated that they had a good half-an-hour to get to school and a good five minutes before her regular bus would show up in front of her driveway. Rinoa took a deep, yet silent breath. It would be the last five minutes of relative peace before things would start in full swing. The fact that she had no idea how that was going to materialize was still bothering her. Squall was still mum on the subject as ever.

'Hyne, he's really sticking to his word.' she briefly thought. 'I just hope I don't blow it.'

Now on the snow-caked roads, Rinoa noticed his hand fiddle with the volume dial. He briefly glanced her way when he hit a red light. He was looking at the road when he spoke though, opting to look like he was having a conversation with the windshield.

"...Do you have any expectations of what's going to happen today?" he asked.

Rinoa nearly had a heart attack. For a second there, she thought that he was going to ask about the computer. She took an inaudible sigh of relief before answering.

"No...not really. I just know that, whatever we'll do...it'll make people notice this relationship. You've been so quiet about this so I don't know what to expect."

The light turned green, being the first one in his lane, Squall gently pressed on the gas after a quick scan of the intersection. He never followed up on what she said after he passed the lights. A minute later, he took an unexpected right turn. Rinoa furrowed her brows.

"Uh, Squall...you didn't have to make this turn. The fastest way to the school would have been to follow that road we were on."

"I know that much. I need to explain something without contending with the poor road conditions at the same time."

She grimaced. "We can't be late Squall, not after yesterday. We could get in even deeper trouble. You can explain this at school if you don't want to deal with driving in this crappy weather at the same time."

Right after Rinoa had voiced her concern, he made a right turn into a dead-end cul-de-sac, went around the bend and just when she thought he was going to turn left to backtrack, he parked on an empty stretch of road, halfway from the stop sign and circular curve of the roundabout. She was not impressed when the engine was turned off altogether.

"...Squall, I didn't hop in a car with you just to get in trouble, I was expecting to go to school on time, as strange as that concept may seem because I'm not looking forward to jumping through hoops after Art is done. My parents aren't going to let you do this if we're late."

Calmly, he took the keys out of the ignition and looked her square in the eyes. "...If you let me explain, you might find out that you don't even have a class to be late for in the first place."

Rinoa raised her brows. "Um...I don't follow you. Where are you going with this?" she asked skeptically.

"I got an e-mail from the school saying that there's a last minute conference scheduled for today. A fair amount of instructors were asked to go. Garden couldn't arrange for substitutes for all of the affected classes so some have been cancelled. According to the list, we don't have History but we still have Lit and Gym. My first period is cancelled but I don't know about yours."

'Okay, that makes sense.'

"I have Art with Instructor Illione. Do you know if that's cancelled?"

He pulled out a folded scrap of paper and eyeballed it for half a minute before pocketing it and looking her way again. "It's cancelled."

"Okay, so what do we do then?"

"I was thinking of waiting around somewhere until the very last minute."

Rinoa started out by giving him a weird look. That is, until a bunch of light bulbs went off inside of the raven-haired girl's head. She had figured it out.

"Oh...so we come rushing into class together and grab some attention that way?"

He nodded. "That's...more-or-less what I had in mind."

"Okay...I can handle that." she affirmed. Squall put back the key in the ignition and turned on the car's engine again.

-—-—--—-—--—-—--—-—-

With seconds to go, Rinoa pushed the limits of her physical capabilities to match Squall's longer strides. In spite of the fact that they had been waiting inside of school and not somewhere else, time had still found a way to escape the both of them. Well, more specifically, Rinoa had found a way to lull herself back to sleep and it had been awhile before Squall had perfected a system to avoid her errant swings. She was almost positive by the way he described it that she'd clocked him hard enough to leave bruises from at least four consecutive sleep-rousing attempts on his part.

Rinoa had to laugh at the irony, however. Whether he thought of this or not, Squall's ruse would 'prove' two things respectively. Though she wasn't a chronic skipper or anything, she didn't necessarily put too much stock in a perfect school record as far as tardy slips and attendance went. She simply figured that as long as she got there and didn't make a huge scene, there was no harm or fowl in being a few minutes late. So, in essence, to actually rush in to catch the bell would be a bit of a switch. The same could be said for Squall too. If memory served, he was usually punctual when it came to coming to class.

When the bell sounded they were still a fair distance away with no chance of getting there within the next minute or two. As the bell's shrill tone pierced her ears, Rinoa stopped running altogether. The point was moot anyway. If they were going be late no matter what, she figured that it would be best to at least catch her breath.

"Squall," she called out, he stopped, turning to face her, "-there's no point in jogging anymore. We're going to be late no matter how fast we run."

When she caught up to him, he started walking in unison with her. Close enough in proximity to infer something without actually holding hands or showing any overt signs of affection.

Three minutes later, they'd reached the classroom. Rinoa took in a breath. This was it. There was no going back. And once Squall had opened the door, Rinoa took notice of the rows of students hunched over their desks, penciling in what seemed to be a pop quiz; students who were now taking notice of their collective presences in the doorway.

"Can I help you both?" a voice at the front barked. Rinoa almost did a double take. It wasn't the voice of Instructor Kolp, not by a long shot. ...Unless if she had smoked ten years' worth of cigarettes, gained thirty pounds and dyed her hair an unnatural shade of blonde the night before.

"No, we're just late ma'am." Rinoa squeaked.

The substitute tossed them a stern look. "Your names."

"Um...I'm Rinoa Caraway-Heartilly."

"Squall Leonhart." the voice behind her coldly intoned.

The sub still looked unimpressed. "And what is your reason for being late?"

Squall shrugged. "...Didn't pay attention to the time."

"I hardly think that is a valid reason for being tardy Mr. Leonhart." she coarsely countered with emphasis on Squall's surname before turning her eyes on Rinoa. "Were you with Mr. Leonhart when he forgot to pay attention to the time Ms. Caraway-Heartilly, or do you have a proper justification for your tardiness?"

The teenager felt her legs turn into gelatine dessert under the pressure of the brusque words of Instructor Kolp's substitute and the students' collective gaze upon them. She couldn't seem to coax out the words she needed to say out of her mouth fast enough.

And it was at that moment where Squall decided to be her voice box.

"She was with me." he sharply answered. "And neither of us paid attention to the time if that's what you wanted to know."

"Young man, I don't appreciate the disrespectful tone of voice you've been using."

Squall shrugged again. "...It's the way I talk, I can't help it."

"You can and will if you plan on staying in this classroom for more than a few seconds."

Paying her no heed, he walked over to his seat and sat himself without as much as a single word. For some reason, this action got the sub in even more of a huff. Squall didn't even have the chance to take his coat off before she let that be known. Rinoa hadn't even moved from the doorway.

"I've had enough of the attitude Mr. Leonhart, report to Headmaster Cid office now."

'...What in Hyne's name is her problem?' the teenager thought. 'This is nuts.'

"He didn't even do anything," Rinoa argued, "—he just sat down for Hyne's sake!"

Now the squat woman turned on her. "Would you like to join your friend to Cid's office too?"

By this point, Squall had already vacated his seat and was on the way out. The only problem was that Rinoa was barring his path.

"I think I will." she hotly shot back, stepping aside to allow Squall a way to leave.

The only problem was that when she turned towards the hallway, he hadn't passed her; he had firmly stopped in front of the doorway.

"...To set the record straight, I'm not her friend."

"My sincere apologies then," the sub dryly added, "please go to the Headmaster's office with your classmate."

He scoffed. "Wrong again."

As she walked down the hallway with her partner in crime, all Rinoa could hear were the collective gasps.

-—-—--—-—--—-—--—-—-

End of Chapter Comments - I'm gonna pretend I'm in a different time zone to imagine that I updated on Squall's birthday (going to the movies was to blame for the lateness). Hope you liked. :D

-Emerald-Latias