Me: (Walks in) Hello again, peoples! I'm sorry I took so long, helping a friend with a collab. Trying to rush through this play (which is now a One Act) so that I could reach the deadline I'm looking for. Yes, deadline. Very special day. I'm sure some of you will notice. Especially those who have been here since the beginning of this fic and the end of the prequel.
Nezumi: You? With a deadline, Bri-san? (Snickers)
Me: Hey! (Reads reviews) It appears Grandmano was the highlight of last chapter. Just as planned. (Reads another review) ...THAT LINE WAS WRITTEN IN COMPLETE INNOCENCE AND IT WAS THREE IN THE MORNING. DON'T TWIST MY WORDS, FUYU-TAN.
France: *Thumbs up*
Me: (Reads another letter) ...Glad length didn't hurt the quality, because this chapter's gonna be much much longer... (Trying to squeeze the rest of the first Act in here) And somewhere, the writer of this play is crying... (Reads another review) ...Sure! It was like whoohoo dot co dot uk. My friend gave me a link there when I was writing that chapter. It has several accents, but be sure to cut it down first and be careful what you write next time! (No room to talk as I write this at 2:30 in the morning)
Nezumi: (Hands review-letter) Read it.
Me: (Reads letter) ...'You made my day.' The most beautiful words in the world~. (Reads another letter) Fem!Romania? I'll make it so. (Reads a final review) Nations as Pokemon? (Points at Pokemon Mystery Dungeon crossover on semi-invisble poll on profile for months) I'm waaaaay ahead of you. ^^"
France: Bri does not own Hetalia or Into the Woods. If she did, she would actually know what she's doing. (Like not leave a girl to play a male role when she's not sure of which pronoun to use)
My one warning: LONG. AS. HELL.
The lights came up and Jack (Japan) immediately ran on singing about how there were giants in the sky.
He stopped when the baker (Sweden) appeared and ran up to him with, notably strained, enthusiasm.
"Good fortune, sir!" The youth chirped. "Look what I have! Five gold pieces!"
The Swede's eyes widened.
"I had more, but my mother made me surrender them. She allowed me these five to do with what I please." With a glance around, the question "Where's Milky White?" came up.
"At h'me with m' wife."
"Let's go find them!" He... she... the youth grabbed the taller man's hand and tried to lead him to whatever direction the house might have been in.
"Wait!"
The youth's head tilted. "I thought you said I could buy her back. Are you saying you wish more money?" Before the Swede could say a word, the five gold pieces where shoved into his hands. "Keep this. I will fetch more." And Jack (Japan) ran offstage. Backstage, she started apologizing for the rudeness of her character.
The baker looked at the money in his hand. "...Five g'ld pieces... I could b'y s' much with th's."
"But could you buy yourself a child?" A man in a cloak popped out of nowhere. The hood of the cloak was concealing his face.
"Wh' are y'?"
"How badly do you want a child? Five gold pieces? Ten? Twenty?"
"I can't p't a pr'ce on 't."
"Exactly." He walked over and snatched the money. "You've not thought about many things, have you?"
"Hey! Give th't b'ck!"
"The money isn't important. What's important is that your wish is honored." The mysterious man vanished once again into the woods.
"Get b'ck!" He sighed as his wife appeared from the bushes, yet again. "Wh't are y' doing h're?"
"I see you have the cape!" the Finn said with a huge false smile.
"Yes. N'w w' only need tw' items left."
"Three!" she said with equally false enthusiasm.
"...Tw'. I h've th' c'pe and th' cow."
"...You have the cape!" The fake smile was still in place.
"...What h'ppened with th' cow?"
The smile finally slipped off her face. "She ran away. I never reached home. I've been looking for her all night."
The man facepalmed. "Should've kn'wn..."
"Hey! She could have just as easily run away from you!"
The couple started arguing about whether the cow would run away from the big scary Swede or not until the witch (Russia) finally came out and stepped in.
"Who cares? Get the cow back!"
"We were just about to do that! Here, take the cape-"
"Nyet! I don't want to touch it!" A sweet singing stopped the witch from scolding them more. "My sunflower calls~. Get everything. BY TOMORROW NIGHT." She stormed off.
"I'm sorry..."
"It's f'ne. Get h'me." And he left.
Before the wife could leave, though, a fanfare erupted. Out of the woods appeared two richly-dressed young men, each with confident grins on their faces. The princes. The wife threw herself to the floor in a bow. Neither prince noticed this beyond their combined awesomeness.
"There you are, Bruder," the prince with white hair said awesomely. "Father and I were wondering where you went."
"I was looking all night for..." The prince with spiky blonde hair epically looked out to the audience. "...Her."
"Her?"
"The hot one I danced with all night." Backstage, Germany facepalmed and asked if anyone even bothered reading the script.
"Ohhhh! Where'd she go?"
The blonde sighed. "She ran away."
"Pffffft."
"Shut up. I don't see you with a date."
"Actually," the albino smirked. "I found a hot chick too. She lives here in the Woods."
The blonde raised an eyebrow. "In the woods?"
"Ja! In a tall tower without any windows or doors."
"Where?"
"Two leagues east of here. Anyways, she's so cute! Like a little Birdie!"
"How the hell do you visit if there aren't any doors?"
"I just go up to her tower and go 'Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your hair to the awesome me!' Then this long-ass wall of hair as yellow as corn comes down and-"
"Rapunzel? What kind of name is that?"
"An awesome one!"
"You liar."
"She's about as real as your chick! Who the hell would run away from," he winked to the audience who started squealing, "us?"
"This girl. I don't get it." The Dane took a deep breathe and started yelling- I mean, singing. "Did you see anything bad from this Dane? Why does she run from me...? And if I should lose her, how shall I regain the heart she has won from me?" Breathe. "AGONYYYYY! More than I bear to feel... When the one thing you want..." He facepalmed. "Can outrun you in heels!"
"High in her tower, she sits by the hour, just waiting there for me~!" the albino yelled- I mean, sang. "With her awesome long hair and here shy little air, she sings like a birdie~" He sang out her melody, only for it to come out like a rock song 'AAAAAAAH'. "AGONYYYYY, WAY MORE AWESOME THAN YOURS!" The other prince gave him a 'Bitch, please' look. "When you know she would go with you... if there only were doors!"
"Agonyyyy, what a bitch she could beeeee." they both sang. "What's as intriguing or half so fatiguing as what's out of reach?"
The blonde crossed his arms. "Am I not badass and awesome and sexy and handsome and strong and as sweet as I'm smart and heir to throne?"
"You are almost as awesome as I am!"
"Then why no?"
"How should I know?"
He smacked his forehead. "The bitch must be nuuuuuuts."
"No, man, you don't know crazy... 'til you're climbing her hair and you see her up there and nearing her, all the while hearing her." The albino prince let out another rock star yell.
"Agony! Misery! Oh how the feeling suuuucks." They yell-sang together.
"Always ten steps behind!"
"Always ten feet below!"
"Such is a prince's luuuuck. Agonyyyy, that's magic like a heeeex." The two grinned at each other. "I must have her, for-"
Something backstage crashed and both princes gave the stage manager a 'What the hell just happened' look. Germany shrugged, and gave England a thumbs up behind her back.
The two nodded to each other, than ran offstage. The wife finally got up from the ground.
"Oh wow... Two princes each more awesome than the other..." The Finn shook her head. "No! Get the hair!"
Then a Chinese woman came onstage calling for Jack.
"Excuse me, aru. Have you seen a boy with a stoic disposition that answers to Jack?"
"Does he like a white cow?"
"That's him."
"Have you seen the cow?"
"I don't give a crap about the cow, aru." She sighed. "Children can be so strange about their animals," she said honestly. "You be careful with your children, aru."
The wife looked out to the audience with a sad smile and a huge sweatdrop on her head. "I have no children..."
The Chinese woman looked out in the same direction, confused as to what they were looking at. "...That okay too, aru."
"Ahem... well, I haven't have your son today."
"Aiiiiyaaaaah! He better not be up that beanstalk again, aru! Quit while you're ahead!"
They both left. The baker came onstage calling out for the cow. The mysterious man went onstage with the missing cow at hand. The baker rejoiced just long enough for the man to hide again. Once the baker left, the man came out along with the witch.
"What are you doing?" she snapped.
"I'm here to make amends!"
"Stay out of this, pig!"
"I'm here to see your wish granted."
"You've caused enough trouble, comrade. Stay out of it!"
The lights went out. When they came back on, there was a maiden with long hair and glasses up singing in a tower. The Finn snuck up to the tower and cleared her throat.
"Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your hair to the awesome me!"
The girl stopped. "Is that you, my Prince?" she asked in a quiet voice.
"...Yes." She said this in the manliest voice she could manage. She was amazed that it worked, because a long curtain of hair appeared before her. "I'm sorry for this!" She yanked out a strand of hair and wore it around her neck like a scarf.
Then Cinderella (Australia) ran onstage and fell flat on her face. Again. One of her shoes flew off, which the wife quickly snatched up.
But she quickly held it away at arm's length.
It stunk like hell. It was like something died in that heel.
"...You sure spend a lot of time on the ground." the wife observed.
"Oh, g'day." She sighed. "It's these heels. They're not suited for running. Or dancing."
"I'd say those slippers are as pure as gold."
"Yeah. They are pretty." She took her shoe back. The Finn was secretly grateful that the odor of the shoe was away from her.
"What I wouldn't give for just one..."
"One won't do you much good, mate."
The wife asked about the ball again. It was still too extravagant and the prince was still chasing her. Just as she said that, a fanfare erupted.
"Got to go, mate!" Cinderella (Australia) stood up.
The wife grabbed hold of her shoe. "And I have to have your shoe!"
They had a tug-o-war match over the heel. Sadly for the Finn, the shoe got shoved in her face in the middle of the struggle.
'OH MY GOOOOOOSH. MY NOOOOOOOSE DX' Finland mentally yelled. The shoe slipped from her grasp. "Wait! I need that to have a child!"
The Australian gave her a WTF face and ran off. The Danish prince and his steward from Seychelles ran onstage. The wife threw herself to the ground in a bow again.
"Where did she go?" asked the steward.
"Who?"
"Don't play dumb!" the prince ordered.
"The girl in the dress?" She pointed in the opposite direction. "She went that way."
They ran off, just as a crowd ran on. It was Cinderella's family. Including the short father from Wy, who readjusted his fake mustache.
"Where did he go?" the blonde woman asked.
"Who?"
"The prince, of course!" Cinderella's father (Male!Wy) answered.
She pointed in another random direction. "That way. But you'll never catch him."
"We would have..." the shorter sibling (Kugelmugel) said.
"If the guy with the cow didn't stop us," the other sister (Iceland) finished.
"Guy with a cow?"
The Swedish baker came on with an ear of corn in one hand and the leash to a cow (Spain) in the other.
"Please! Let m' compare th's t' your hair!" The family ran off. "I thought y' went h'me."
"You found the cow!" his wife cheered.
"Hn. Now w' need tw'."
"Three!"
"No. Tw'."
She gestured the hair see was using as a scarf around her neck. "Three~!"
"Wh're...?"
"I pulled it from a maiden in a tower!" she answered proudly.
"Three..."
"Well, I almost have the fourth but she got away."
"W' h've a day. W' c'n get it by then."
"'We' as in I can come along?"
"Well...It will t'ke th' tw' of us t' h've a child."
Backstage, France started laughing. The Nordic actors onstage started blushing while the Spaniard was smiling obliviously. They blushed harder as they started singing about it would take the two of them to lift they spell, then they would spend the rest of their lives together with their child. By the time it was over, the cow was clapping and a very random sight indeed walked onstage.
There was a fairly pissed off female German in a chicken suit with a golden egg in her hand. The roaring laughter in the audience just barely over-powered the laughter backstage. Even Japan could barely say her line as she came onstage with a smile hidden behind her hand. Germany smacked the golden egg into the almost-grinning Swede's hand and went backstage. She gave off a 'Screw this, I'm going to the dressing rooms' vibe that immediately got everyone to shut up.
The youth noticed the cow trying not to laugh and went over to her. "My Milky White!" She looked up at England to she her holding a cue card that said "KISS HER". Apparently Japan had an alarmed look on her face, because the cue card now read "THE SCRIPT SAYS KISS HER HEAD". Japan sighed and bent down to kiss the Spaniard's forehead, however the cow leaned up and kissed her nose instead. There was more giggling backstage as Japan's face turned pink.
Meanwhile the couple were freaking out over the golden egg in their hands. The youth let the slip about the five gold pieces that was to be used to buy the cow, the wife became furious, and the poor baker was stuck trying to explain to both of them.
"Moo!"
Everyone looked at the cow, who let out a cough. She rolled over onto her back, feet in the air and tongue sticking out.
"Milky White is dead!"
The couple facepalmed. "Two...!"
Yet another midnight was gone, one to go. Two items found, two to go, one unattainable. The lights went out...
...You thought they would really get off that easy? Hun, please~. This is only the third scene! To think all of this takes weeks to write out while it only takes about ten to twelve minutes on a stage each scene.
Insert maniacal thespian laugh here.
Ahem... Moving on...
When the lights went back up. The baker and his wife were on stage. The Italian woman on the left side of the stage let out a "Ve~" so that the audience would remember she was still in this show.
"Two midnights gone. And the exhausted baker and his wife buried the dead Milky White." Then the Italian looked down at the floor. "Ve... Poor Big Sister Spain!"
The Swedish baker sighed and ran a hand over his face. "...G' get another c'w."
"And what do you suppose I buy it with?"
He pulled out their last bean from his pocket and smacked it into her hand. "Tell 'em 's magic."
"Nobody with a brain bigger than this," she held up the bean, "is going to exchange a cow for a bean!"
"Th'n steal th' c'w!"
"You were getting mad at me two days ago for using deceit!"
"D' y' want a child or n't?"
The wife sighed in frustration. "I think you'd better get the cow. I've meet the girl with the golden slipper, I think I might be able to retrieve it."
"Hn."
Once the two split up, there was a scream. It was a very quiet scream, but it was still there.
"Sadly for Rapunzel," began the Narrator with a startled look on her face.
"No!"
"The witch found out about the Prince before he could take her away." The temperature in the theater dropped a few degrees. "Veeee... She seems mad... or General Winter has finally arrived and found his seat..." The Narrator fled the stage as the witch dragged Rapunzel in behind her. The witch had a pair of scissors in her hand.
"What did I tell you? Children must listen, da?"
Rapunzel was (quietly) screaming 'No' over and over. The witch started singing about how Rapunzel must have been ashamed of her and how the world outside is dangerous. Just before the witch dragged Rapunzel off again, she promised that she will show her a place she's seen before. The sound of scissors snipping filled the air.
The narrator came back on trembling. "H-Holy crapola that was scary..." She looked sadly at the audience. "After the witch sent Rapunzel away to Siberia, she went back to the tower to take the prince by surprise. He jumped and..." The albino prince stumbled across the stage with a hand over his eyes. "Hurt his eyes really badly."
Cinderella (Australia) came onstage and sang about how the prince was actually smart enough to leave a trap on the stairs of the palace so that her shoe would get stuck. She mused with how he might actually like her. After the song, the baker's wife came onstage.
"Not you again!"
"Please, just listen to me!"
"Listen to you attack me again? No thanks, mate."
"I didn't attack you. I attacked your shoe. I need it."
"I already gave up one shoe tonight, I need this one."
"But I need your to have a child!"
"The hell?"
The fanfare started in the distance. The Finn sighed and took off her shoes.
"Here. Take my shoes, you'll run faster." They traded shoes.
Australia got boots, while Finland was stuck with the smelly-ass golden heel.
"FINALLY!" They both ran off and the lights went out.
When the lights came back on, the couple were onstage with all of the items... sorta.
The witch strolled onstage, her cloak flowing behind her. "The third midnight is near, comrades. Do you have all of the objects?"
"Yes!" She gestured to the cow.
The witch raised an eyebrow and gave them a 'Are you serious, hun?' look. "That doesn't look like a cow as white as milk to me."
"It is!"
The witch knocked the cardboard cow over with the back of her hand. "..."
"We did have a cow as white as milk."
"Where is she then?"
"She died."
"W' thought y' might pr'fer a live c'w."
"Of course I'd prefer a live cow!" The witch sighed. "Bring me the dead cow, I'll bring it back to life."
The couple's eyes widened. "You can do that?"
"Da. Now hurry up!"
The Swede went offstage to get the cow just as Jack (Japan) and his mother (China) came on with a harp.
"Jack! There you are! I've been worried sick, aru!"
"Look at the pretty harp I have."
"You've stolen too much, aru! That plant and that giant could have killed you!"She shook her head and walked off.
From offstage, the baker complained about how heavy 'she' is. The witch groaned and went offstage.
The youth's head tilted in confusion. "What's happening?"
The baker, the witch, and Milky White walked onstage. Milky White smiled brightly and rushed over to her master.
"Milky White! Now I have two friends, a harp and a cow."
"Quiet!" the witch snapped. "Now feed the objects to the cow!"
Everyone's eyes widened. "What?" Except for the Spanish cow. She gave the witch a look that said 'You gonna what now? ._.'
They started reluctantly feeding the cow the items. The witch pulled out a goblet.
"Fill this."
Jack started milking the cow... but the goblet was still empty.
"You can forget about that child, comrade."
"But we did everything you wanted! We have the cow as white as milk, the cape as red as blood, I pulled the hair as yellow as corn from a maiden in a tower-"
"YOU DID WHAT? I TOUCHED THAT HAIR! I CAN'T HAVE TOUCHED THE INGREDIENTS!"
The couple facepalmed.
Then the mysterious man emerged from the woods. "The corn!"
"Huh?"
"The hair from your corn! Pull it out and feed it to the cow! Hurry!"
The baker scrambled to do so while the witch glared at the man. "This had better work, pig, or your son will be the last of your flesh and blood."
The baker's eyes widened. "Son?"
The man took off his hat to reveal wheat-colored hair and glasses. "Please, not now."
The witch smirked and gestured to the man. "Da. Meet your father."
"F'ther?"
The man sighed. "Yes, yes. 'Dude, I am your father.'"
Before the two could say anymore, the cow started groaning.
"It's working!"
The witch grabbed the goblet and gulped down the potion. She ran offstage as the man started coughing and collapsed to the ground. The baker ran to his father's side.
"All is... repaired..."
He feel limp in the Swede's arms. And random America flags unfurled in the background.
The witch strutted back onstage. Only her cloak and her old appearance was gone. She was in a purple dress, and she looked gorgeous.
The lights went out.
When the lights came back on, the couple, the boy with his cow, and the witch were frozen onstage. The narrator came in and cleared her throat.
"And so the mysterious hero died, having helped end the curse. For the Baker, he won't get a family reunion, so he and his went home wondering 'What on Earth just happened?'" The couple left the stage. "The witch, who was punished with ugliness the night her beans were stolen, was now pretty again." The witch smiled at the audience then left the stage. "And Milky White, after a night of a bad tummy-ache, was finally reunited with the now-rich Jack." The two left. "As for the Prince... he began his search for the foot to fit the golden slipper and went to Cinderella's house."
Cinderella's step-family, the prince, and the steward appeared onstage. First, the shorter of the sisters tried on the shoe. It didn't work, so the step-mother (Norway) invoked the... non-Disney version to get one's foot to fit in a shoe.
As she started limping pass the tree Cinderella cried to, the spirit in the tree shook her head.
Since she was not singing this time (after all, everyone else screwed up their lines), she just shouted out "WRONG BRIDE. MR. KIWI, ATTACK!" New Zealand's pet ran onstage, made the step-sibling take off the shoe, and chased them away.
The prince brought the shoe to the other sister. Same thing happened. Mutilation of the foot, the limping into the sunset, getting chased off by a kiwi bird.
The prince brought the shoe back. "...Don't you have any more daughters?"
"Just the maid."
"Let me see her."
Cinderella (Australia) came out and tried on the shoe. Perfect fit, despite being annoying heels.
"This is the true bride."
The narrator smiled. "And Cinderella and the Prince rode off~." The new couple left and Rapunzel in much shorter pigtails came onstage. "Rapunzel was out living in Siberia until her prince aimlessly wandered toward her. Rapunzel started crying tears of joy that restored the prince's vision."
The witch approached them with her arms crossed. "I was going to get you once you learned your lesson."
Rapunzel (Canada) tilted her head. "Um... who are you?"
"Come on. I know best."
"...Mother?"
She gestured to her new appearance. "This is what I really look like, Sunflower. Come with me. We can be happy together." She offered a hand.
The prince held her closer. "She's mine!"
"Let her speak for herself!" However, Rapunzel shook her head. "You're the only family I know. Come with me." The answer was still no. "I have no choice then."
She tried zapping them... Nothing happened. She tried again.
"The witch is pretty now," the narrator said, "but powerless."
The witch started chanting 'Kolkolkol' in frustration and left.
"Both of the princes wed, and..."
As the cast started filling the stage, the wife came out with a pillow underneath her shirt.
"Ve~. And it all came to pass, all that seemed wrong was now right... the kingdoms were filled with joy... and those who deserved to were to live a long and happy life. Ever after."
The final musical began, and then finally, the whole cast bowed.
America stepped out from the crowd. "Give it up for our light crew, Romania!"
A spotlight shone onto the catwalk, where a girl with fang and a funny hat was waving down at the audience.
"And on sound, Egypt!"
Egypt waved from the sound booth. The sound started freezing, so she gave the stereo a swift smack.
"And finally, our props guys, New Zealand!"
New Zealand came out and bowed with Mr. Kiwi.
Sometime afterward...
"Finally. That took forever."
"When's the party we're supposed to have afterward?"
"Heels, New Zealand!"
"Did any of you even read your bloody scripts?"
"Ve~! Germany looked funny in that chicken suit!"
"We will never speak of that again, Italy..."
Me: (Totally collapses) Over 5000 words... 5000... I'm sorry for taking two weeks, I hope 5000 words make up for it... This is... THE longest chapter I've ever written... I hope you enjoy it. ^^"
Finland: Review, please!