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"Do you think you can tell me now?" Nadine asked, sticking her head out from the kitchen.
"Tell you what?" Arnold asked. He remained on the couch, his eyes shut, a pillow draped over his face in an attempt to block outside stimulus as much as possible.
"What you plan on doing." Nadine said simply, returning to the stove to stir the pasta dish she was working on.
"I've given some thought to becoming a priest." The young male chuckled slightly to himself. "If there's one thing this whole ordeal has taught me, it's that maybe I'm better of staying away from girls, Nadine. Relationships with them do not end well for me."
"I suppose I can't say you're wrong about that." The girl sighed. "I'm sorry that I played a part in all of that."
"I'm not." Arnold shook his head. "With the way my life has gone, it's probably for the best. We probably would've ended up doing something terrible to each other if my experiences with Rhonda and Helga are any indication. At least this way, you and I are still on speaking terms."
"That hurts, Arnold." Nadine sniffed. "I was the reason our relationship failed. Not you."
"Maybe. Or maybe you just bailed out of it before I ruined it."
"Don't say that!" Nadine shook her head, appearing in the doorway with a pleading look on her face. "You're a good man, Arnold. You're not a saint. You're not perfect. You make mistakes. But you do not set out to hurt people. I…I don't think any of us do. Even Helga doesn't do that."
"Then why did she leave me?" Arnold asked, sounding weak and frightened. "Why did she give up on us?"
Nadine looked at him, knowing she was on the verge of crying, that Arnold was nearly in the same place. "Do you really want the answer to that question?"
"More than anything. But I don't know if Helga will ever even talk to me again."
Nadine pondered her situation for a moment before deciding to reveal exactly what she though Helga's reasons were for leaving her love. "Because she's insecure. And because she loves you, Arnold. She's…I think she's so afraid of losing you that she wanted to leave before you walked out on her. Or worse…that she would somehow ruin you, that she would…would drag you down to her level. She thinks so little of herself…she doesn't think she could ever make someone else happy…"
"Why?" Arnold whispered, breaking into small tears that streamed down his face. "Why would she ever think that?"
"Because she's not used to anyone liking her for who she is. Because she doesn't think she's worthy of your love."
"How do you know?" He asked, not knowing why Nadine would feel she possessed such an in-depth understanding of Helga.
"Because it's…because that's exactly how I felt when I…when I shut you out. I know exactly how she feels. She loves you so completely, that she wants to save you from herself. There's some kind of beautiful irony in that, don't you think? There are a lot of different ways to think of Helga, but in her own way, she manages to prove how much she truly loves you. Much like Rhonda. And myself." Nadine blushed, brushing her arm over her face.
"I don't deserve any of you, Nadine. I'm the one whose responsible for all of this. I might've been able to convince Helga to come back if I hadn't decided to take shelter in Rhonda's arms. And if I wasn't talking to Helga behind Rhonda's back, then Rhonda would still be here now. I did something terrible to both of them. The only ironic thing here is that I was so intent on not hurting either one of them that I devastated them both." Arnold buried his face in his hands.
"You can't say that with me." Nadine shook her head. "I was the one who hurt you."
"You didn't hurt me, Nadine. I was upset. I was disappointed. I laid awake at night wondering what I had done. But you didn't hurt me. It wasn't like you left me for someone else, or played me for some kind of fool."
"I was the fool." The blonde girl insisted. "I wouldn't let you in when I needed you the most. Arnold, there were so many things that I meant for us. Maybe it's crazy to talk about it the same way now, but back then, I was so happy just to be with you. I couldn't have imagined a time when we weren't together. When everything I was became something else to share with you. I turned my back on that. I was the one who betrayed us."
"That's not true!" Arnold stopped her. "You never betrayed us, Nadine. Even when you wouldn't talk to me…you never abandoned me. I knew that somewhere inside you still cared. If anything, I was the one who failed. I should've pushed more, found some way to get you to talk to me, about anything. But I didn't. I just…I believed that one day, you would say what you were unwilling to. But you never did."
"But I was the one who made you leave me, Arnold. I was the one who let go. Rhonda asked me, Arnold. She asked me for my permission to go out with you. I could've said no." Nadine sniffed, letting tears fall down her face. "I could've stopped it. I could've told her how much I loved you and I just needed some way to be made right again. That I needed someone to make me stop ignoring you and give me the help I so desperately needed. I could've told her that if I lost you completely I'd be broken into pieces that could never be put back together again, asked her not to take away the only good thing I was clinging onto but stubbornly refusing to open up with. I could've told Rhonda anything, and she wouldn't have pursued you. Because she's still my best friend, even though we're different now. Because there's some silly kind of bond between us, and even when we haven't talked in months, it's like we can just pick up wherever we left off and no one is the wiser. All I had to do was say no. But I didn't. I couldn't. I couldn't stop thinking of you, how unfair I was being, how lonely you must feel, and how sad you looked whenever you came to talk to me in the cafeteria and I would hardly even acknowledge you were there. I just couldn't take away any more of your happiness. And I knew that Rhonda would treat you well. I knew that the two of you would make a fine couple, and most importantly, that she would make you happy. Because I could already tell she was in love with you when she asked me. I've known Rhonda Wellington Lloyd for most of my life, and I'd never seen her so…so giddy before. After all those years, she'd finally found someone she could actually give her heart to. I couldn't deny her that experience. I couldn't deny you that experience. You said it yourself, Arnold. Being in love with Rhonda changed your entire life, and I'll never be convinced that it wasn't for the better. You two belonged together. Maybe you still do. Maybe not. That's not my decision to make. And I know that even though she never had a proper way of showing it, Helga has loved you longer and stronger than either Rhonda or I could ever possibly hold a candle to. Rhonda can't compete with that, Arnold. Who could? She's a crazy girl, but she's also brilliant. She's been turning your life upside down since we were in pre-school. If what she said to you is to be believed, she loved you then. She still loves you now. How many people can possibly be that lucky?"
"Nadine…I--"
Nadine did not allow Arnold to finish his thought. "Are you in love with Helga Pataki?" She asked, grabbing for the photograph that stood in a simple frame on the coffee table. "Look at the two of you in this picture, Arnold. I can't recall many times I've seen Helga happier than she looks in this picture."
Slowly, Arnold allowed his eyes to be diverted to the photograph that Nadine held, and he had to admit that the girl was right. Helga did look happy. It was just a simple picture of the two of them sitting on the front stoop. It was taken about a month or so after they had been married, by her sister Olga, if Arnold remembered correctly. Helga's arms were wrapped lovingly around his neck, and she had this happy, satisfied, peaceful expression of a young girl who had just realized that she had received everything she wanted for Christmas. Her head was nestled gently in his tangle of hair. It was a rare moment for Helga, allowing others to see her with her guard down, especially family. But why shouldn't she be happy, if indeed he was what she really wanted out of life? What struck Arnold's attention specifically was the look on his own face. He was starting to remember that day now, and that was definitely one of the better points in their all too brief marriage. He was really starting to learn more about Helga, and she was coming to trust him more. It had felt pleasant and fulfilling, the way she clung herself to him. It began to alleviate his doubts that she could ever love him, for her actions not only looked genuine, but they had the same feel that Arnold had come to know from both Nadine and Rhonda before her. Helga was complicated, she was frustrating, she was frequently cruel and then shockingly kind, she was witty, she was brilliant, she was devious, she was resourceful…and she was the most incredible woman Arnold could ever imagine. The notion that she would focus the full attention of her being solely on making him her groom told him everything he would ever need to know about the subject. Helga Pataki loved him and whether or not he liked it, whether or not Helga liked it—she was never going to stop. And after everything that had happened between them since they had first met fifteen years ago, but especially in the last few months, Arnold knew that there was no way he could ever deny her.
Looking away from the picture and back at Nadine, Arnold Short made the decision that would change all of their lives.
OooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO
Hello, Strangers! By Ginger Foutley
I almost died once. It's not a part of my life that I particularly like to talk about. It's a time that, even today, I'm still trying hard to forget. Even now, nine years later, I'm still not entirely sure how to describe it. I remember walking around, feeling like there was a knife in my belly, delivered by the one person I never thought could ever find in himself to hurt me. But he did. Eight hours later, drifting in and out of conciousness, I would learn that my ugly metaphor had become my cruel reality. There isn't much I remember after that. Ceilings. Darkness. The sensation of moving, things being hooked up to me, the voice of my mom saying I would be all right. I couldn't talk. I remember that I wanted to. I needed to tell her the truth. Nothing was ever going to be okay again. Then there was light, warm, forgiving, everything slowed down...and nothing. I don't really remember them taking me to the operating room. Just light. But for some reason, I remember being out of it, somehow. Not awake. Not asleep. Not myself. Neither Mom nor Dr. Dave will tell me the truth. But I think that they almost lost me. At the time, I think I would've been glad to go. What did it matter? No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't put myself back together again. And the only person that I'd ever truly loved had given up on us. I had nothing. I wanted...nothing. I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to stop hurting. And somewhere on a table in the bowels of my local hospital, I let go. I wasn't scared. It didn't hurt. It was...it was so easy. I could hear voices. Frantic, drifting, trying to hold on to what was never theirs. And then I became aware of it again. The pain. As though someone had grabbed hold of me and forced me back down. "Not yet. Not yet." Then, there was just the blackness again. And sometime later...hours...days...I can never be sure...I remember my eyes opened. And the first thing I thought, the first thing I knew, was that I was alive. I knew I was alive because I still hurt too much to be dead. And there was this brief veil of sorrow and disappointment in...I don't know what. To this day, I still don't know what. I'm left wondering if, for a few brief moments of my adolescence, I really wanted to die.
What frightens me the most is that when I'm honest with myself, I don't think that I like the answer. There are many occasions in my life where I've been unhappy, upset, and perhaps even a little distressed. But from an emotional standpoint, I've never felt as low as I did that day, running through everything my life had become in my mind, and trying to find that one mistake I made that ultimately undid me. I've tried before, tried and failed to put the way that I really felt into words. They're clumsy and hollow and I feel like they're a poor excuse for the truth. Dr. Dave saved my life that night. He'll never admit it to me, but he doesn't have to. He saved my life, and as I had time to reflect in the weeks that came afterward, what I really appreciated was how he saved me because I was just a girl in trouble. It didn't matter that I was his stepdaughter, that he was engaged to my mother. He would've done the same for anyone. And yet, even though he was only following the almighty Hippocratic oath, I know that in his heart, he treated me differently. He wasn't going to let go of me, not for anyone or anything. I still get that feeling from him today. He wasn't in the picture for most of my life. He's not my father. He doesn't pretend to be. And none of it matters, nothing at all. Whenever I see him, I get the same kind of soft, warm feeling inside that I do when my dad is around. And I know that Doctor Dave loves me as though I am his own, he's taken all of us in as part of his family, willingly and without any hesitation. He's a great man, and it's very fortunate that he came into my life when he did. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here to tell you all of this.
I hate talking about these days. I hate how my high school career started. I hate the fact that I wasn't mature enough to handle the change. All throughout middle school, I'd always prided myself on being mature and sensible, a voice of reason. Those who know me best also know that I'm not saying I was a stick in the mud—I've got the criminal record to prove I could be as reckless and irresponsible as I wanted to be. I thought that I had it together. But I didn't. High school started out as one failure after another for me. But when Darren confronted me, saying our relationship was over…that I couldn't take. Something inside of me just…broke. I just wanted the world to stop. I wanted everything to stop piling up on me. I just wanted to sleep, and I didn't care when I woke up. It just had to stop. I never meant to let my appendix take all my friends and loved ones on the emotional roller coaster with me, but fate had other ideas.
But as life has a way of doing, it went on. It kept going. I kept going. One step at a time. I recovered. I usually do have a way of bouncing back, even if I was a little different now. A little wiser. A little sadder. A little heartbroken. They say that time heals all wounds. Or maybe it's supposed to be that time wounds all heels, I've always felt that to be a far more accurate statement. Time doesn't necessarily heal our pain. It's just that we learn to live with them. And there's always a scar left afterwards, be it physical or emotional. I've had my heart jerked around enough in middle school to deal with the feelings. But what I really learned from this breakup was that Darren was the first…and perhaps only…boy I've ever loved. I didn't have trouble getting over Ian or Sasha. But losing Darren left me with a hole in my heart the size of Texas, and that was what I had to find a way to cope with. That was what I needed to live through. That was what I need to accept as my new reality. Even now, years after the fact, when it doesn't matter anymore, when Darren and I are having a pretty successful second (or is third or fourth—there's some incidents from later years in high school that might or might not count) try, I sometimes find myself laying awake at night, replaying that fateful day over and over again in my head. When Darren dumped me. And I keep trying to ask myself what it was that I did wrong. How did it come to that? Only now, I'm mature enough to face the truth. I wanted us to break up. Or at least, some part of me did. I didn't do anything to try and stop. The entire time, all the signs were right in front of me that our relationship was falling apart. But I never did anything more than half or quarter-hearted attempts to stop it. And even though I was cut deeper than I'd ever thought possible when Darren finally left me, when I crawled into an emotional bunker and then I began my medical crisis…I just felt so disappointed in myself, in Darren…in us. And then he didn't come to see me in the hospital and I felt more alone than ever and…well, that's another story for another time, I'm pushing up against my maximum allocated space as it is. I don't know if I'll want to talk about this again. Or maybe I'll just write a book about it down the road and call it even, I can't say. I think the point I'm trying desperately to make is that sooner or later, we have to let all this stuff out. I don't like revealing my weaknesses, my failures. But I have them. We all do. They're a part of who I am, and the things that hurt me are ultimately what make me Ginger. And sometimes, I have to learn not to be afraid of them. It's something that we all have to do. Look ourselves in the mirror and embrace what we see. Maybe we have flaws, maybe there are things we need to change. Maybe there are good parts that we need to hold onto. But we must accept who we are before we start making decisions about who we want to become. I hope that I've managed to do that. And if you're lucky, so have you. If not, then there's still time. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Make it a good one.
OooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO
Late afternoon summer sunlight spilled into the simple bar as Lor held the door open for Helga to pass through. It was not the first bar that Helga had visited, having once been in a rather rowdy roadhouse with her mother Miriam at the tender age of nine. That was just one of many events in Helga's life she wished she could forget, but her life would be nothing if not for regrets. "So this is where you work?" Helga asked, scowling.
"It's a living." Lor countered. Technically, she wasn't scheduled to be on duty for another two hours, but since she had lived alone until recently, Lor also found herself hanging out frequently. The place was dark enough to be a shelter from the rest of the world, without seeming like a full-blown den of iniquity. Even though it was early for her shift, Lor stepped behind the bar to search for something to snack on. She was also buying time to figure out the best way to start pushing Helga to take charge of her situation, a task that probably wouldn't prove to be easy. Everything Lor knew about Helga told her that the younger girl was determined to be unhappy.
"You know, Lor, you could be arrested for serving me. I'm still only eighteen, doi!" Helga crossed her arms over her chest haughtily, already bored with this place.
"Who said anything about serving you booze?" Lor asked as she pulled a bucket of salted peanuts out from under the counter. "I'm just looking for snacks, and we'll both be having Yahoo. Just because I care about you doesn't mean I'm willing to go to jail over you."
"Thanks for your concern." Helga rolled her eyes, giving the room a once over. The place was empty, save for a young couple sitting nearby, staring intently into a laptop like they were studying its display. Lor handed Helga a glass containing straight Yahoo soda, while Lor herself enjoyed hers with a few splashes of gin. Upon handing over the drink, Lor's eyes were immediately drawn to what Helga was looking at, and her mouth went agape for a moment? Reggie? Sammy? Is that you?"
The girl with tawny skin and purple hued hair looked up in surprise, then her face spread into a grin. "Lor!" She cheered, running over to greet her friend. Lor set her drink down on the bar and the two girls embraced in a hug. "When we came in and you weren't here, I assumed you had the day off or something!"
"Nah, but this works out great. I was hoping we'd run into you here. It's been awhile since you called, but I did remember saying that the tournament had been moved up." Lor explained.
"The tournament's a little early this year." Reggie nodded. "Sammy and I had to get a week off from work to make it. My brother's doing a few practice runs right now, but Sam and I wanted to take a break. He's coaching me." She smirked, blushing a little.
"Don't worry about it, Reg, you'll knock 'em dead out there. When are you up?"
"Tomorrow evening at high tide. You've got to come!"
"Don't worry, I won't miss it." Lor agreed, then remembered her manners. "Oh! Here, let me introduce you to my current project. You know, the one I told you about when I last talked to you."
"Project?!" Helga protested, annoyed at the way Lor was describing her. Lor continued on as though Helga hadn't spoken a word.
"Helga, meet Rocket Girl. Rocket Girl, Helga."
"Rocket Girl?" Helga raised her eyebrow inquisitively. "Now there's a name you don't hear every day."
"Family nickname." Reggie explained. "But it stuck, so I figured I'd use it for competitions and stuff. My real name is Reggie. Reggie Rocket. But on the circuit, 'Rocket Girl' has a bit more flair, you know?"
Helga nodded to be polite. "You surf." She said flatly, inclining her head towards the laptop computer that Reggie and her companion had been studying intently. The blonde girl watched the video stream as an image of Reggie ripped across the screen, threading a rather intense wave with not only bravado, but grace. She was beyond fearless—Reggie looked as though she was doing what she was born to do. Water sports, for obvious reasons, were not at all popular where Helga came from, but she was still able to appreciate the finesse and genuine artistry it took to excel at a sport like surfing. At least, until the video ended with Reggie falling behind and getting sucked into the primal force of the wave.
"You got cocky there." The boy sitting next to the computer pointed at the screen.
"I know, I know." Reggie agreed with a sigh. "But I was still seventy points behind. I was trying to bring myself back up in the rankings." She sulked.
Helga chimed in. "The guy's right, though, Rocket Girl. You pushed your luck."
Reggie looked at the blonde as though taking her in fully. "Lor tells me you're not much of a risk taker." She stared. "To be honest, I only take risks when it comes to competition, and when it isn't dangerous."
"Lor says a lot of things." Helga sniffed.
"And most of them are true." Lor retorted. "Especially when they're about you."
The boy who had been sitting quietly until now spoke up. "Ladies, ladies. There's no need to fight, you're all pretty."
Reggie growled audibly in frustration. "Sammy…"
"Hey, hey." Sam quieted her, placing his hands on her should and gently kneading. "Don't stress. It robs you of your natural beauty."
Reggie rolled her eyes. "Cut out the cute comments. But keep massaging." Reggie added, smiling and leaning against him slightly.
Lor smirked at the two of them. "I was right. You two do make the cutest couple. And 'cute' is not a word that I'm prone to throw around." Lor reminded her friends.
Reg blew a raspberry at Lor. "Pfft. Tell that to my brother. He was so not happy about Sam and I." Reggie quickly flashed her left hand, showing off a rather meager diamond ring. It was small, but even Helga had to admit that there was something warm about the way it softly glinted in the dim light, untold promises dancing along its surface.
"I'll replace it with a bigger one when we actually have some money!" Sam began waving his arms frantically, feeling embarrassed that he hadn't been able to give his childhood friend and love more.
"Don't you dare!" exclaimed Reggie, punching Sam in the shoulder, playfully but with enough force to let him know she meant it. "This is the ring that you promised me with, Sam. This is us. I don't care about the jewelry, I care about you and me, and everything we are." She laced the fingers of her left hand with his own. "I want you as you are."
"Oh brother." Helga mumbled, realizing too late that she had made her comment audible.
Reggie glared at the blonde girl for being so pointedly rude, but she decided to cut Helga some slack. If Lor was to be believed, then Helga had already been through a lot. It wasn't surprising that so public a display of affection would set her off. "Sorry about the PDA. I'm not usually the mushy type. Sometimes I can be so casual that I'm not even sure how Sammy puts up with me." She laughed.
"Very carefully." Sammy chuckled. "And because I like you, Reg." He rubbed his neck sheepishly, suddenly feeling put on the spot.
"Well, duh." Lor laughed, wondering to herself at his geekiness. "Every summer, you two would always pass through here for a surfing tournament. It's been that way since we first met three years ago. And every summer, I've been watching lover boy here eat himself alive over his feelings for you, Reggie. I got worried about him. You have to let that stuff out, you know? It's bad to let it fester. Besides, you never know how all those pent up emotions and frustrations might start coming out. Plus, you run the risk of losing the one you love to someone else, and then where will you be?"
Helga crossed her arms over her chest, scowling. "Now, turn the knife counter-clockwise, why don't you? Criminey! I did not come here for a lecture! I didn't even want to come here in the first place! And the last thing I could ever want is an evaluation by complete strangers who know nothing about me!"
"Well maybe it's exactly what you need!" Reggie growled, beginning to lose her patience.
"Reggie--" Sam started, trying to cut her off.
"Don't interrupt me, Sam, I'm just getting started." Reggie Rocket drew herself up to her full height and narrowed her eyes, causing Sam to gulp audibly. She then rounded on Helga. "You're afraid. You just want to destroy your relationship with the person you claim to love and then run away. You're such a coward. You have to learn to stop."
"Don't even pretend that you know me, Rocket Girl!" Helga spat, emphasizing the nickname derisively. Her retort had no effect, and Reggie continued, unfazed.
"Am I wrong?" She asked Helga, waiting on an answer. "Admit it, I'm not. There are people here who feel sorry for you, Helga. When Lor told me about you and asked if I could help, my heart actually went out to you after she told me your story. You may be right when you say that I don't know you. But maybe that's exactly what you need right now. Someone who doesn't know you and who can give an honest opinion. Maybe I've only known you for a few minutes. But I'm offering you my help. Lor told me about you. And Lor is my friend. So if you're Lor's friend, then that makes me your friend too as far as I'm concerned. So what do you say? Can we at least talk about it?"
Helga considered her words for a moment, and seemed on the verge of accepting before her pride got the better of her. "Why is this so important to you, anyway?" She threw her arms up in the air in exasperation, then crossed them over her chest. "You don't know me. And I can take care of myself. Just because Lor has some kind of twisted fixation on being the mother I never really had, doesn't mean I need her. Or you."
Reggie looked at the angry blonde girl sadly. "Are you really that proud, Helga?" She asked softly. "I want nothing from you. I ask nothing of you, but to talk to me. I'm not here to judge."
"Oh criminey." Helga rolled her eyes. "Just what I need, another would be analyst. As if Lor wasn't bad enough." Helga sighed in defeat. "Normally, I'd refuse to out of spite. But since Lor seems to have arranged a full scale intervention, I figure I'm surrounded."
"Something like that." Lor explained, grinning. "I'm glad you've finally come to see it my way. You know, Helga, as much as you may be loathe to admit it, there are people here who care about you. And as determined as you are to spend the rest of your life wallowing in self-pity, I'm not going to let that happen. I'm going to force you to face your fears. I'm going to make you claim the happiness you've been denying yourself your whole life, and I'm going to rip you off of the experience of living your entire life wondering what might have been if you hadn't been so proud and cowardly."
"What do you even--"
"You love him." Lor continued on, using Reggie's tactic of ignoring Helga's protests. "I know how it is. I've been there. And you know what? I did nothing. I said nothing. I kept it all inside. Check me out now, Helga. I've got nothing. Nothing but a ratty apartment and a job peddling booze. And this." Lor trotted to the bar, ducking behind it. She felt underneath the cash register for an envelope she had hidden beneath the till. Inside the envelope was something that represented to Lor her greatest failure in life. Reluctantly, yet with purpose, Lor withdrew the secreted paper from its hiding place and briefly held it against her heart; though what lay within the envelope was a pain Lor was certain would never completely dissipate. Quietly, Lor walked back to her roommate and handed her the envelope. Helga opened it with a curious expression on her face. Inside the dusty paper enclosing was something that surprised Helga—a wedding invitation.
Helga cocked an eyebrow as she unfolded the elegant invitation, reading aloud the calligraphy that Lor had long since memorized, scripting that Lor had no doubt her one time best friend had done by hand. "You are cordially invited to attend the blessed union of Mr. Tino Tonitini and Miss Pedratishkovna Katsufrakis…" Helga trailed off. "Man, how'd she end up saddled with that crummy last name? If you ask me, she's definitely trading up."
"More than you know." Lor whispered. "I care about him…I love him." Lor turned her face away from the others, not wanting to appear weak. "I just…never realized it in time. Then in junior high, he started dating my best friend…and now they're getting married." She squeaked, breaking down. "But what hurts the most is how happy they are together. I keep getting left with this feeling that even if I was the one marrying him—that I couldn't make him that happy. And it hurts so much to know that. To see how perfect they are for each other and still be in love with him. I just want it to stop. But I don't know how!" Lor's voice finally broke, and her shame became complete as she became aware everyone knew she was crying.
"Lor!" Reggie ran over to her friend, gently throwing her arms around the crying girl. "Shhh." Reg softly comforted Lor as the tearing girl struggled not to sob. "Hey now, it's okay. It's okay, Lor. Reggie motioned to Sam with her right hand for him to take Helga and slip outside. Sam awkwardly nodded at Helga to follow him out the door. They both quietly began to walk out, until a word from Lor stopped them.
"No. Stay." She breathed, biting back a sob and asserting control over herself. "This is why I took you in, Helga. You're letting go of what you wanted. Don't do what I did, Helga. It's not worth it. I'm all style and no substance. I can talk a good game but I can't back it up. I've seen the world but I haven't made my mark on it. I have so many regrets…and all I really want is a second chance to be a kid again. Maybe savor it a little more. I had such an awesome childhood. I know it's corny…but I really miss Bahia Bay. But I've never once gone back. I'm surprised that Tino and Tish were even able to find me, I haven't talked to either of them in so many years." Lor laughed weakly, and image conjuring up in her mind. "I can picture Tino now. He gets so obsessive. I'll be her refuses to go through with the wedding unless Carver and I show up. Another friend from my childhood." Lor added, feeling the need to explain her tall, athletic friend who as far as she knew still fostered an obsession with shoes.
"Hey, I know what you mean." Reggie smiled. "I kind of miss Ocean Shores myself. I still go home every year with Sam, usually more than once. But sometimes, I miss being a kid, playing street hockey, tearing up Madtown skate park, surfing on a summer afternoon, publishing my zine…man, now that was a long time ago!"
"Does anyone even make those anymore?" Lor asked playfully, her normal demeanor beginning to return.
"Not where I come from." Helga finally spoke up. Of course, there really isn't much room for your kind of sport in Hillwood. Just the generic stuff. Football, baseball, basketball, the usual."
"You're kidding!" Reggie exclaimed. "You mean you've never done any surfing or skateboarding?!" Helga shook her head in response. "You poor kid! You were so deprived!"
"We had a roller rink for skating. Boarding was a lot tougher in my neighborhood. Way too much traffic and there weren't any skate parks. And forget about surfing, the ocean was hours away. I didn't grow up with an Oceanside view like you or the beach bum here." Helga inclined her head in Lor's direction.
"Hey!" Lor defended herself. "I didn't spend my youth lying on the beach! I did that in Europe, after I graduated high school. Besides, we're supposed to be talking about you, Helgs."
"Helgs?" Helga narrowed her eyes. "Please, spare me the pet names. I never even let Arnold--" Cursing, Helga clamped her mouth shut, knowing she had just shown vulnerability to everyone in the room.
"Now we're getting somewhere." Sam grinned, speaking in a manner Helga found all too familiar.
"I don't want to talk about it." Helga scoffed.
"Then what about doing something about it?" Reggie asked. "Come on, Helga, everyone deserves to be happy."
Lor decided to press her roommate. "And what about Arnold? I heard you talking to him He wants you. And you want him. Everything else is secondary. You may have doubts and fears, like everyone does, but that's just life. I made that same mistake years ago." Lor pointed at the invitation in Helga's hand. "Check me out now. I'm practically a drunk. And I still won't go home." She shook her head.
"Why should I?" Helga asked, resisting. "So I can get run over by Rhonda Lloyd?! No thank you. I've embarrassed myself enough as it is. Besides, Lor, you've already made my point for me. What was it you were saying earlier about the man you loved? That you couldn't make him as happy as your rival? I mean, have you looked at me?! I'm not beautiful. I'm not popular. I'm not fun. I don't even have any direction in life!" Helga growled in exasperation. "I love him. I'll admit that at least. There's no point in denying that to any of you. But what does any of that matter, if I can't make him happy?"
"Um…excuse me?" A quiet voice interrupted, sounding hesitant. All eyes immediately fell upon Sam Dullard, who gulped audibly when he saw the angry look on Helga's face.
"What?!" Helga asked with a scowl, glaring at the only boy in the room.
"Well…I was just…wondering…why are you so sure that you can't make him happy? Is he the shallow, superficial type?"
"Are you kidding me?!" Helga replied in shock and anger. "Arnold is the most gentle soul I've ever met! He's not just a man, he…he changes people. For the better. God knows I hate to admit it, but one year of him dating Rhonda Wellington Lloyd was enough to turn her into a worthwhile person. And believe me, she was a stuck up, prissy little rich bitch when we were growing up. But Arnold saw something better in her. And she must have seen something different in him, probably the same thing I always have. Something she couldn't buy. I watched them from afar. I hated her for being with him, for scoring that final victory over me. But when I saw it in her eyes, I was forced to admit it. She loved him. Just like me. How could I not recognize the love in her eyes, when I myself have work that same look upon my face for so long? I hated…not, that's not right. I didn't hate her for loving him. That's a sin I'm guilty of myself. But Rhonda could reach him where I could not. She put herself on the line like I never could. Maybe that's why Arnold loved her. He changed her without even realizing what he was doing. And he still loves her now. I can't beat Rhonda. And I'm not sure that I even want to. Not if she can make him happy." Helga sniffed, beginning to shy away from the fragility she was beginning to feel. "Why should I even want to? Arnold…poor Arnold. He deserves to be happy. He deserves someone who loves him without all this baggage. When I think of the life she could give him…it just doesn't hurt so badly anymore. And it gives me hope that maybe I'm not so selfish. Maybe I can redeem myself simply by letting go of him." Helga finished, collapsing into a chair.
Sam immediately took a seat and sat directly in front of Helga, who was staring intently at her shoes. "Hey, come on now. Don't say that, Helga. You can't. Not yet, not when there's so much at stake. If you love him, then you can't give up yet. Not until you know for certain what he wants. Don't get me wrong, I think it's noble of you to be willing to let the man you love go off with another. But what if that isn't what Arnold wants? What if he wants you?"
"Even if he does, he's better off with Rhonda than with me. Not that it's any of your business." Helga added gruffly.
"Maybe not." Sam replied. "But I know what you're talking about. I…I almost let someone that I care about get away once, because I thought it would be better."
"Sam!" Reggie interjected, ready to do damage control. "You don't have to do this."
Sam smiled for his fiancée. "But I want to. It's okay, Reggie. I think it does us all good to talk about the things we regret. And besides, she just told all of us an intimate story. I think that we owe her the same. We haven't gone yet."
"If it'll make you feel better." Helga agreed, saying nothing more.
Casually, Regina Rocket stepped behind her love, wrapping her arms gently around his neck in a gesture of affection. "Than at least let me be here with you when you tell it." She smiled, ruffling his hair.
"Who said you couldn't be?" Sam grinned, accepting her comfort.
Their casual affection intrigued Helga. "This ought to be good." She remarked, then waited for the story to begin.
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Author's Notes
And so we come to this, the ending of the chapter. Truth be told, there was going to be still another scene in here, but I completey ran out of writing time, and my choices were to delay the chapter or to put the missing scene off until next time. Seeing as how it took roughly a year and a half for me to delve back into this story, I didn't want to put it off any longer. Memorial Day seemed like a great release date to me. And so here we are. Just as an FYI to those that are curious, the missing scene was going to be exposition between Courtney, Carl, and Robert (Hoodsey). I've already penned some of it so I expect it to be in the next chapter—which will arrive considerably sooner than a year and a half, that much I can promise you.
Which brings me to my next topic, why I've been gone so long. I'm not sure exactly what to say. Back in the summer of '06, my father was diagnosed with a tumor on his brain (not in it) that could have been fatal, and my writing just stopped. He pulled through just fine, recovering from the brain surgery in record time, and all seemed normal.
And it was, which is what is confusing. After my father's medical crisis, I just started doing other things more and more, and it wasn't long before writing just became a lark. It wasn't that I no longer enjoyed writing, more like I could just always find something else to do. Even to this day, I don't write nearly as much as I used to. And because of the crisis, I lost focus on my story, which has caused it to stagnate so much since I first started it. I'm trying to remedy that now. I'm still very proud of Instant Gratification, I'm proud of all the readers I have, and I'm sympathetic to all of you whom I promised an ending to so long ago and as yet have failed to deliver. Most of all, I hate the idea of this, what I consider to be by far my greatest work, to be festering unfinished for no good reason. I have plenty ideas of what I want to do and I know what I want the ending to be. But I still need to get there, and for that, I need to regain some of the diligence I had in the past.
That said, I have decided to rededicate myself to Instant Gratification. I want this to be the next fic that I finish. After that, I'll get to work on finishing Gravity, but that's another story altogether. The only other story I'll let myself do any work on until IG is done is Operation: MOTHER, and I'm only allowing myself that because I don't do all of the writing myself, but rather it's co-written with The J.A.M. (very well, I might add).
And that's what I wanted to talk about. I've not grown apathetic about Instant Gratification, I've just become lazy, and my life has changed significantly from when i first started writing it. I used to be a very unhappy drone working for a terrible cable company, now I'm a supervisor at a great cable company. The years can change a lot, but it also means that I have more responsibility and less time for fun. But that's the nature of life, I suppose. I'm not really trying to complain, just try to explain what's been going on in my life.
But all in all, I'm happy, and moreover, I'm really ecstatic to finally be releasing another chapter of Instant Gratification. I want to thank all of you who have found this story over the years its been up here at FFN, and I hope that you'll find it in your hearts to forgive my extended absence and give me the opportunity to finish this saga and provide the proper kind of ending you've all been waiting for. I look forward to hearing your thoughts about this chapter with anxiousness and trepidation—I know I can't be the only one to have changed over the past year and a half, and I hope that my work is still found worthy in your sight. Thank you all for coming out, and I promise you I am already working on the next chapter, I want to upload it within a month or so and just keep chugging along until I finish. Until then, you know where to find me.
Send your questions, comments, compliments, complaints, love letters, death threats, marriage proposals, and ransom demands to:
Lord Malachite
05/26/08
3:11AM, EST
E-mail: ranger(underscore)writer(at)yahoo(dot)com
AIM: Asukaphile26