Me: THAT FUCKING FILM! I CAN'T BELIEVE I WASTED £7:85 WATCHING THAT PIECE OF CRAP THAT THEY CALLED GOOD! FUCKING GOOD, MY ARSE! THEY CAN TAKE ALL THE GOOD REVIEWS AND STICK THEM UP THEIR STINKING ARSES!
S: …Erm…
Me: AND NOT JUST MY PRECIOUS £7:85! 99 MINUTES OF MY PRECIOUS LIFE! I FUCKING HATE REMAKES! ARGH! MR BREAD! OH MR BREAD! I NEED YOU TO STAB! *Lets out deep breath* S, you may proceed…
S: Ok, first of all, I'm surprised you even still remember Mr Bread!
Me: I'm NEVER going to forget Mr Bread!
S: Whatever. Second of all, for once, I agree with you. Dear readers, in case you have no idea what Hollie's talking about, she's fuming over the Carrie remake. We went to see it and…yeah. It was shit. What else can we say?
Me: I can say PLENTY! It SUCKED! The acting was shit! I thought Chloe Mortez was a good actress, what was up with all the blank staring and arm waving? Telekinesis is a MIND power! WHERE is the need for arm movements?! Sissy Spacek didn't feel the need to wave her arms like a damaged windmill! And do not even get me started on the girl who played the 'villain.' I've seen better acting in a Barbie movie! Yes…I have actually seen a Barbie movie, GOD help me, thanks to YOU, Amy!
S: Can I…
Me: NO! I'M TALKING BITCH! And that teacher! What teacher acts like THAT in real life! And Julianna Moore, you should be ASHAMED! Basically, the whole movie would be like them casting Russell Crowe in Les Misérables!
S:. Erm…..
Me: FUCK! OFF!
S….
Me: Your turn. I need to calm down.
S: But, Hollie, they did cast Russell Crowe as Javert in Les Misérables. You hated him.
Me: You delusional bitch, it was Alan Rickman as Javert! It was Helena Bonham Carter and Sascha Baron Cohen who were terrible in that movie.
S: No, Alan Rickman did not play Javert (sadly…) and, let's both just agree that all three of them were awful in that movie.
Me: Agreed. Can't believe I'm agreeing with you.
S: …Fuck you! Anyway, as for Carrie, yeah, it was nowhere near as good as the original. I just didn't feel for Sue and Tommy like I did in the original, while some of the scenes were literally word for word or scene for scene like the original.
I just didn't like it. So, pretty much the same reasons as you, Hollie.
Me: And, right now, we're watching a good film! Titanic!
S: I remember when we saw that in 3D IMAX. So amazing.
Me: That it was. That it was. Anyway, let's move onto the chapter before I go into another hate-filled rant.
SideshowJazz1 – Your wish is granted, but with Michael Gambon, I guess we'll have to beg to differ, I thought he was rubbish from PoA onwards. That damn scene in GoF STILL has me frothing at the mouth! But yes, that they DIDN'T explain the Marauders was rather annoying, as they are very important to the books! As for Bellatrix, I HATE her for killing Sirius, but I sometimes think Umbridge is just as bad, especially with her equal racism or bigotry, whatever you'd like to call it! Thanks for your comments and I hope you like this chapter!
S: kendramccormick – Hello! Hollie may not know who Bill Moseley is, but I most certainly do. He was Luigi in 'Repo the Genetic Opera' and was recently in 'The Devil's Carnival', both which I have seen. ;) Thank you for your lovely comments; I'm very touched that you think Hollie and I are good enough to have a career in Disney, haha. I've read The Saga of Darren Shan! Never finished it, but I really should since I got so into it. Anyway, watch The Hunchback of Notre Dame when you can, and thank you for your lovely review!
Me: Nyx27Seth – Sorry dude, but Pinocchio won. As for The Black Cauldron, I do love the Horned King, but….it's about the only thing about the film I DO love. Amazing character, amazing voice (come on man, JOHN HURT) and arguably one of the best Disney deaths ever, buuuut…other than that…the film isn't particularly impressive. But defiantly not for kids. Anyway, thank you for reviewing and for your comments and I'll leave S to the manga chat.
S: I'll check out Soul Eater some time! Currently, I'm checking Neon Genesis Evangelion. As for mangas to recommend? Higurashi, Umineko, Madoka, I could go on and on. :P
TheDisnerd – Have no fear, that's exactly what we're doing. First, the Pinocchio villains, and then Rourke! I'm looking forward to doing him, hehe.
Me: dramaqueen5611 – Sorry again, but Atlantis didn't win. I won't go over the same stuff I said above, but yeah, the best thing about The Black Cauldron was The Horned King. Thanks for your review!
S: allie1207 – Thank you for reviewing! We hope you enjoy this chapter!
Me: Guest – Yeah as about The Horned King is magnificent, easily could be called the father of all Disney villains. It is a shame that not more effort was put into the rest of the film as it was him, otherwise it could have easily been up there as high as some of the more popular films. Sorry, Rourke lost, but I promise he'll be next. Thanks for reviewing!
S: Rayne Viridian – Wow, I can't believe you read all 33 that quickly! Hollie and I are in awe and very touched! ^^ I agree with you about Rouke. He has a great voice actor, but he is a little flat as a villain. I think he and his sidekick, Helga Sinclair are the best things about the movie, but more on that in the next chapter! Thanks again for you review and we hope you enjoy the chapter!
Me: Anonymous – Thank you for your review, however we do not intend to cover villains from Disney television series. Only the movies. :)
S: DarkDancer07 – Cheers, Amy! Well, there's a first for everything, am I right? Well, your wish is granted, we're doing Pinocchio!
Me: Danny – Thank you for reviewing! And here is your wish granted. Hope you like it.
The Villains of Pinocchio
By the by readers, as we're watching Titanic, it just struck me just how like Lord Farquaad Cal is. And, on the subject, how the mother resembles Lady Tremaine. And as for that creepy manservant of Cal's… well, a Pantomime villain comes to mind. What do you think, S?
S: Totally. God, Cal was such a douchebag. Got a strong 'bitch slap' oh him though, ha-ha.
Me: Urgh, that's a horrible scene when he slaps her. If he did it for real instead of faking it, that must have hurt poor Kate Winslet!
S: It looks real. I mean, DAMN, the way her head just snaps to the side afterwards. Anyway, we're about halfway through, riiight when the iceberg hits. That's when the real fun begins!
Me: Oh. My. Fucking. GOD. I REALLY hope the crew didn't REALLY do this. I mean, I'm sorry, but what good is it, turning the propellers in the opposite direction? The momentum will still carry the ship forward! Ha ha ha, I love the character of Tommy though, 'if that's the direction the rats are going, that's good enough for me!"
S: The "third class" characters were the best, haha! Anyway, onto Pinocchio! For this, we'll be covering all the antagonists: Stromboli, The Coachman, Monstro, Gideon and Honest John.
Me: Well, I find The Coachman most creepy personally, even Honest John and his dopey counterpart were frightened when he revealed his plans. Even in the book, he's supposed to be far darker!
S: Can you blame them? The expression on his face when he says "they never come back... as boys!" is horrifying! And then you find out how he is in the book and it just gets worse. Biting off half of a donkey's ears is not for kids, dammit!
Me: I don't think the book was meant for kids…not young kids, anyway.
S: Hunchback sure as hell wasn't, but Disney still adapted that, haha. Apparently, The Coachmen is supposed to be something like Mephistopheles from the 'The Tragical History of Dr Faustus". Makes sense when you think about it. He offers ultimate pleasure to the boys, just like Mephistopheles offered ultimate knowledge to Faust and both came to collect their payment eventually. Oh and not to mention his creepy henchmen!
Me: Just…it gives me the shivers! Especially in the scene where it's all empty at Pleasure Island, then we switch to Pinocchio and his annoying new friend…and they begin to turn into donkeys…then his friend goes crazy because he's so scared…it's a really creepy scene and I'm not really a massive fan of Pinocchio.
S: I know. For me it's when Candlewick starts screaming, "Mama!" over and over until he sounds really demonic and turns into a donkey. Oh and then there's the scene where he's sorting through the donkeys and manhandles one that can still talk. I'd hate to think what he did to those three donkeys that could all speak…
Me: Killed them, isn't it implied?
S: I think so. He sold the 'normal' ones to anyone who would buy and, logically, would dispose of the ones who could tell others of what he'd done. Rather horrifying, isn't it? Oh and let's not forget Stromboli who kidnaps Pinocchio and plans to force him to work for him before burning him once he's no longer useful. Funny thing, out of all the villains in this film, he's the only one who was quite decent in the book.
Me: Was he? He's a nasty fucker in the film! But hey, to bloody Pinocchio…
S: Which you can argue doesn't count since Pinocchio's not a 'real boy' and the height of his villainy is getting rid of non-sentient puppets and all. Plus, let's be honest, Pinocchio was fucking stupid in this film. Like, once he escapes Stromboli, instead of going straight back to Geppetto, he ignores Jiminy Cricket and goes off again with Honest John and Gideon. Yes, because they've proved to be so trustworthy at this point…
Me: Exactly! I'm sorry; Pinocchio has to be the poorest excuse for a Disney hero I've ever seen! I mean, sure, he saves his father, but how about listening and obeying in the first place? Yes, I KNOW about the whole moral thing, but URGH! He keeps going off with COMPLETE strangers!
S: Geppetto's kind of to blame as well though. I mean, your puppet becomes sentient due to your wish and your first act is to send him to school? The fuck is wrong with you, old man? At least teach him some basic stuff like 'stranger danger' before sending him off onto the street alone! Sure, he had Jiminy Cricket, but, let's be honest, he did a shit job as his conscience.
Me: Still got that damn badge, even if he did fuck all. He's so useless!
S: Actually, no! I change my mind. The REAL failure here is the Blue Fairy. Smiling bitch caused SO much trouble throughout the film, seriously!
Me: Well, frankly I wouldn't have brought Pinocchio to life in the first place! Out of ALL the toys in Geppetto's shop, she just HAD to bring to life the ONE thing that was completely, utterly BRAINLESS! Geppetto, why can't you be careful what you wish for!
S: Hey, it's not HIS fault the puppet kept fucking up all the time! But, you know what is his fault? Ending up eaten by a fucking whale! How the hell did that even HAPPEN? If Pinocchio never came back, search around the village, NOT the goddamn ocean!
Me: Well let's just agree, S! The real idiot of the film was fucking Pinocchio! I can't decide who's more annoying, him, Alice or Wendy!
S: It's either him or Wendy for me. I'd say Wendy just because of that damn voice and also because Peter Pan wasn't that great to warrant her following him around like a love-sick puppy.
Me: True…but Alice does have the same voice, and she's equally as stupid. But Pinocchio…URGH! HE'S SO FUCKING ANNOYING! HE SHOULD BE THE DAMN VILLIAN! We need to write HIS gravestone!
S: No, Hollie! Leave that to another chapter! We have to do the villains! Speaking of which, gravestone time!
Here lies the Pinocchio villains
Born – Fuck knows
Died – ….as above.
. That Coachman. Is. Terrifying.
. Only in a Disney movie could a non-anthropomorphic be portrayed as a bigger villain than a man who lures kids away and turns them into donkeys to abuse and sell into slavery.
. Come to think of it, it's one of the only Disney films where the villains don't really get their comeuppance.
. Yes, true! Apart from Monstro, who charges headfirst into some rock and likely dies, the Coachmen and his henchmen, Honest John & Gideon get off scot free.
. I find it freakier that the coachman got off free, that man was a monster!
. Stromboli too, let's not forget him! Though, his height of villainy is burning non-sentient puppets and threatening to do the same to Pinocchio (who isn't a real boy so you could argue that moral implications don't affect him…)
. None of these villains have any morals! I feel sorry for the poor donkeys who could still talk and were probably killed….or the coachman kept them as slaves on the island.
S: That reminds me, how DID the Coachmen turn the boys into donkeys anyway? Magic? And WHY are Gideon and Honest John the only anthropomorphic animals (barring Jiminy Cricket) walking and around and talking? Nobody found this odd?
Me: Yeah, S, nobody questions why a stupid little wooden freak was hanging around on his own either, with said talking cricket!
S: Yeah and I'M going to take my logic and give you a hearty fuck you!
Me: Well fuck you too! Just get on with the damned song!
S: Fine! This should be a challenge, since it's in the tune to I've Got No Strings, and it's about four villains rather one.
Me: I still say it's fucking Pinocchio. ¬¬
Yes, the Coachman did get away.
No doubt to lead more kids astray.
But, in time, he'll surely die.
Then in hell, he will fry.
As for the fox and cat,
in the book they end up fucked.
Their luck finally fell flat.
Being blind and lame must have sucked!
And is Monstro even alive?
How could that whale survive?
And Stromboli, that fatass foe.
He'll soon learn 'you reap what you sow'.
Me: Let it gooooooooooooooooooooooooo, let it gooooooooooooooo, turn around and slam the dooooooooooooooooor! Oh, hello! Yeah….we started this then that atrocity they have the audacity to call Carrie came out. And it's now April, soooo….yeah. Its S's fault!
S: Hey, we've been busy! You've got your job, I've got my new (and possibly soon to be ex-job with the way things are going…) at the airport. I have NO social life right now, you bitch! D: *Coughs and composes herself*, but yes, I do apologise for how long this chapter has taken.
On the plus side, I FINALLY got to see "Wreck it, Ralph" and "Frozen"! God, those were good movies! Hollie hasn't seen the former yet and likely never will, but I'm a gamer nerd, so I loved every minute of it. While Frozen was just pure awesomeness! Totally didn't see the twist coming!
Me: I sure did! I SO KNEW that…
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Me:…the slimy Prince wasn't genuinely in love with Anna! What a bastard! I did love, however, that the 'act of true love' wasn't for once between the hero and heroine!
S: Seriously, why are we even TRYING to hide the spoiler? There's only one Prince in the fucking movie and it's Hans!
Me: Well, way to give away the ending, S! At least I WARNED people who haven't seen it yet!
S: I don't care! Fuck you! Everybody knows that…
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S:…Hans is the villain and you know why? Because you gave it away by mentioning a Prince! Hans is a Prince, Hollie! Not Olaf, not Kristoff, not even that old crazy man from Weasletown who was a Duke!
Me: I think what really gave it away for me was when…
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Me:…Hans shot down the chandelier and it would have crushed Elsa, had she not got out of the way. It looked like he was trying to stop the solider shooting Elsa, but I found it kinda obvious that he was deliberately trying to kill her. Didn't you get that, S?
S:…Fuck you!
Me: Well, fuck you too! Endings been given away, anyway! So, to anyone who hasn't seen it, tough shit! If you haven't, see it now!
S: God, I can't get "Let it Go" out of my bloody head now! The songs were pretty awesome in that film. I always say that you can tell a Disney film is great if you can remember at least one song from it. I love Tangled, but I barely remember any songs from that.
Me: The animation was pretty magnificent too, especially when Elsa was building the ice palace. Well, anyway, we have whatshisname from Atlantis next….a whole lot better than these bloody villains I'm sure.
S: Rouke, Hollie. His name is Rouke. And yes, we'll be doing him next. Hollie's never watched Atlantis, but I have, so I'll have quite a few things to say about him! Anyway, see you all next chapter! Have fun!
Me: Byyyyyyyyyyyyyye!
Us: Let it goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, let it gooooooooooooooooooooooo, Turn away and slam the dooooooooor. I don't care what they're going to say. Let the storm rage oooooooooooooooooooooooon. The cold never bothered me anyway.
Me: FUCKING SHUT UP!
S: GOD, MAKE IT STOP!
Me: It's been half an hour since we stopped watching this film!
S: We're going to have this song in our head for the rest of the fucking night, mark my words! *Turns to Hollie* THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU BROUGHT THAT MOVIE ROUND INTO MY HOUSE!
Me: Bitch, you HAD that song on your iTunes before I even brought the movie here, so shut up!
S: Yes, but watching the movie has got it into my head again! Argh!
Me: Suck it up! Goodbye everyone, we need to bleach our brains of this song!
S: If we survive, we'll see you next chapter! :P