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Chapter 36

John was fully aware that what he was doing was wrong, yet all the guilt in the world wasn't enough to make him stop. Clara was the first thing he thought about when he woke up in the morning and the last before he went to sleep. In his dreams, John kissed her almost every single night, but the reality was so much better than that. He had expected her to push him away, but when she didn't, John's heart skipped a beat as he realized that Clara wanted this kiss as much as he did. Even in his wildest dreams, this possibility hadn't occurred to him.

She only broke the kiss when they were running out of air and when John looked at her beautiful face, he couldn't help but smile.

"Is that wise?" Clara asked him, sounding a little breathless, but nevertheless, she smiled at him in return.

John chuckled. "Absolutely not."

In a swift movement, John rose to his feet and pulled Clara up with him. It was obvious that he had caught her by surprise because she fell right back into his arms, against his chest, and John cupped her face in his hands once again and kissed her. He didn't want to stop. Why did they have to? Why did she have to be his wedding planner? Why couldn't he have met her years ago? By now John recognized his feelings for Clara for what they truly were. He was in love. It was a strange, almost foreign sensation by now after so many years, but he was in love with Clara Oswald.

Yet after a moment, Clara eventually pushed him away in a gentle manner. "John," she whispered and averted her eyes. "I don't think this is such a good idea."

"I never said it was," he replied for lack of anything else to say. John didn't want to think about Liz or his wedding, he didn't want to be reasonable. For the first time in ages, he was truly in love, but John knew from experience that it was possible to love more than one person. He loved Liz out of gratitude because she had come into his life when he had truly needed someone and she had stayed until now. He didn't have a single doubt that she would stay with him until the end. John couldn't hurt her, he couldn't cheat or call off the wedding. But he was also in love with Clara. Would she stay with him, too? John couldn't say.

When the confusion in his head grew too much to bear, John finally pulled away from her and the spell that had compelled him to kiss her was broken. What on earth was he doing?

"You and Liz will be fine," Clara told him, her voice small and broken. Then she repeated the words she had already spoken earlier and she said them almost as if to remind herself. "Lots of couples fight before their wedding. It's normal. You're just getting cold feet, that's all."

John nodded slowly even though he knew it wasn't just that. He would have fallen for Clara under any circumstances.

Under any circumstances.

A strange thought crossed his mind as he looked at her right now and John wasn't quite sure where it was coming from. He had run into Clara by chance at the bar and he would never have seen her again if Missy hadn't hired her as his wedding planner. Missy, his sister, the one person who might know him better than he knew himself. Why had she chosen Clara?

"Maybe," he found himself saying even though he was still lost in thought. John needed some time to think. "I should probably leave. But what do we do about the venue?"

Clara shrugged and finally smiled at him again. "Well, Liz told me to book it. I did. Bit late now to change your mind and she didn't explicitly say no to it."

John smirked at her in response. "No, she didn't. I guess we'll leave it as it is for now."

For now. As if there was still a way out of this for him. John sighed. No matter what happened now, he was going to get married and he wasn't quite sure how he felt about it anymore.

In a way, Clara was right and John was fully aware of that. A wedding was a big thing and it was probably natural for couples to fight about the details. On top of everything, John had kept his daughter a secret from his bride-to-be and Liz had every reason to be mad about that, so he bought another bouquet of flowers and headed in the direction of Liz's house to apologize to her once again.

"John," Liz blurted out in surprise, but he could tell from her face that it wasn't an unpleasant one. "I didn't expect to see you today. Didn't you say you still had paperwork to do?"

"The patient files can wait another day," John said and cracked a smile as he held up the flowers. "I wanted to apologize again."

Liz hesitated for a moment, but as the corners of her mouth twitched, John could tell that she had already forgiven him even before she took the flowers and invited him inside.

He grabbed a beer from the fridge and sank into his favourite armchair while Liz took her spot on the sofa and refilled her wine glass. Yet John hadn't come here for just the apology. He had also come with a suggestion.

"I know I shouldn't have lied to you about Susan," he repeated. "I should have told you after our first meeting and there's probably nothing that can justify that I've kept her a secret from you for so long."

In response, Liz only nodded and took a sip from her wine.

"I was confused," John admitted. "I hadn't expected her to appear out of nowhere. I mean, who would expect that?"

He uttered a nervous laugh, but he knew that he had to get the rest out as well before his courage failed him.

"Susan is a wonderful, young woman and even though I haven't known her for that long, I already sort of love her. And I want her to come to the wedding. I already invited her," he confessed and the expression that crossed over Liz's face was again one of surprise. "But I also want you to meet her before that."

Liz blew the air out between her teeth and set down her glass while John eagerly waited for her response. But she didn't say anything for a painfully long moment.

"I don't really understand what went on between you and your first wife. I don't understand why you would. . . do what you did. Isn't one woman in your life enough?"

Her question took John by surprise and he wasn't quite sure what to say to that. John would have loved to tell her that, yes, he was more than happy to be with one person for the rest of his life, but now, after kissing Clara, wouldn't that be a lie? He still felt so confused about that.

"It was River's idea, one I didn't mind at that point," John tried to explain. "We both agreed on it. I don't know what else to say."

Liz nodded and John watched her swallow hard. "I can forgive that. I mean, it's not even up to me to judge you for something that happened in your first marriage, for something that happened consensually. But you can't blame me for being. . . concerned. I mean, what if you decide in a few years that I'm not enough for you, that you want to have an affair again?"

"That's not gonna happen," John promised. "I would never ask that of you."

"But what if you don't ask?"

Liz looked up, staring straight at him, and suddenly John thought her eyes could see right into his soul, see what he had already done and he felt a pang of guilt. He wouldn't cheat, not with Clara and not with anyone else, John vowed to himself right then and there.

"I'm sorry," she apologized quickly. "I'm not ready to meet your daughter yet. She can come to the wedding, but I need some time to get used to the idea before I meet her properly."

John nodded in agreement, but there was a bad feeling in his stomach, one that told him Liz would never truly accept Susan, not now, not after the wedding.