Being Alive

Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar or the song "Barbara Song" from Threepenny Opera, lyrics by Bertolt Brecht, translated by Marc Blitzstein.

Author's Note: This is a strange song from a strange show (that's Brecht for you), not least because it's called the Barbara Song, even though the person who sings it is Lucy. Anyway, I actually played Lucy in college, so I got to sing it, and I thought I could work it into a story. Also unusual for me is that I'm using the first person. It just seemed to fit.

Barbara Song

I used to believe, in the days I was pure -
And I was pure, like you used to be -
My wonderful someone will come to me someday,
And then, it will all depend on me.

I was a young girl once, you know. Oh, don't look at me that way. I know you understand that I didn't just hatch out of an egg fully grown, but I still think it's hard for you to think of me as anything but the aging, used-up woman you see. Well, it's true. I know what I am.

But there was a time when I was young, and innocent, and idealistic. I used to dream that the perfect man would show up at my doorstep one day and sweep me off my feet, and we would live happily ever after. That's not quite how it happened.

My father died before I was born. Well, he was over 90. He was the youngest son of Avatar Roku, and my mother was his third wife.

If he's a good man, if he's a rich man,
Wears a fine cravat, smokes a cigar,
And if he's gallant and treats me like a lady,
Then, I shall tell him "Sorry."

Isn't it amazing how men can continue fathering children into their dotage, while we women have such a limited time of fertility? Of course, we invest more energy into each baby than they do, so perhaps that explains it.

I only had two children, so maybe my body didn't have very much energy to spare to begin with. Or it might just be that my husband stopped seeking my bed so often…but I'm getting ahead of myself.

If I'd had a father, I might have been more pragmatic about men. But the lack of a masculine presence in my early life (my mother chose not to remarry, and my half-siblings were all much older and distant) made me unrealistic about the opposite sex, and a lot of other things.

Chin up high, keep your powder dry,
Don't relax or go too far.
Look, the moon is gonna shine 'til dawn,
Keep the little rowboat cruising on and on.
You stay perpendicular.

My mother, too, had high hopes for my prospects, which probably only encouraged my already overactive imagination. We both believed that wealthy men of good position would come to seek my favor, and I would keep them at a distance.

Oh, we had it all planned out. There was no need to rush, after all; we would wait until the right option came along.

Yet this cost me something of my youth. Mother kept a sharp watch on me, making sure I remained pure. No sneaking off with a boy to watch the moonlight on the ocean; no stolen kisses among the rocks on the beach; no serenades outside my window.

Oh, you can't let a man just walk right over you;
Cold and dignified is what you are.
Such a whole lot of things can happen,
So firmly say, but sweetly: "Sorry."

It may seem strange to you, but I didn't miss any of those things at the time. I suppose that being the Avatar's granddaughter only aided in my romanticism. Members of the family would tell me of Roku's love for Ta Min, and how she waited for him all through his training. It seemed so obvious to me that there would be that one, perfect someone for me eventually, and I just had to wait for him to appear.

I regret it all now, though, much as I regret the similar captivity of my own children. They even had walls to keep the world out, as I did not. I try not to dwell on how my life might have turned out if I had pushed my boundaries, taken a few risks. I can't go back again, so I must live in the present. It's all I have.

The first to appear was a young man from Kent;
He was all that a man ought to be.
The second was older, and bolder, I mean,
And the third one was crazy mad for me!

The men did come; make no mistake about that. They varied greatly in looks and background, but I enjoyed the company of all of them. Rumors of my existence traveled far beyond the quiet village where we lived, and I was quite attractive in those days. No, don't bother heaping compliments upon me. I know that my beauty has faded. Perhaps a shadow remains, and you might even be able to imagine me as I once was. I don't really miss it, though. Nowadays, I would prefer not to be too noticeable.

With the cynicism of age, I understand that most of my suitors were probably just seeking to enrich their social position by linking their family line to that of the Avatar. Others may have just hoped that our children would be stronger in firebending than their families were.

They were all rich men,
They were all fine men,
Wore silk cravats, smoked a big cigar.
And since they always made me feel a perfect lady,
I said politely, "Sorry."

Anyway, they all treated me with the utmost respect, calling on me in the sitting room for at least the first meeting, with my mother watching over us. To this day, I'm not certain why Mother didn't choose any of them. They were all fine, upstanding men, some young and others older, many of whom had considerable wealth and social standing of their own.

Waiting for the big prize? Well, perhaps. Firelord Azulon had two sons, one near my age and unmarried and the other older and already a widower. Crown Prince Iroh had an infant son, but it wasn't unthinkable that he would seek to remarry and provide insurance for his line. If he had…but there's no use in considering that.

I would sigh, keep my chin up high,
Never relaxed or went too far.
Well, I let the moon go shining on;
I let the little rowboat cruise around 'til dawn.
I stayed perpendicular.

Was that insensitive? I'm sorry. Maybe I lived too long with the royal family.

Whatever the reasons, I never allowed any of my suitors to draw too close, and my mother supported me in this. They were all perfect gentlemen, which made it easier to keep them at arm's length. Even if we walked out together, I remained cool and reserved. I sensed that some of the men would have liked to pursue greater intimacy, but I refused to relax. My attitude eventually served to cool their ardor, as well.

You see, men require some encouragement in their pursuit. It doesn't need to be much, but there must be a little, at least a sign that they might be successful eventually. But you already know that, don't you? After all, you're a man yourself. Yes, I noticed.

I could not let a man just walk all over me;
Perhaps my dignity went rather far.
Such an interesting lot of things might have happened;
I simply indicated "Sorry."

I could just say that I wanted to obey my mother in these matters, and there would be some truth to that. Some of the folly, however, was undoubtedly mine. I wanted to remain in control of the situation at all times. I still had my dreams, and I hadn't found the one to fulfill them.

There were other dreams in those days, too, ones I've never spoken about to anyone. They came to me late at night, heating my blood and awakening my body. When I woke from them, I started to feel that I would like a man's touch. I wanted to know if I could feel that way for real. The daylight quickly dispelled such speculations. Yet if I had given in to that impulse, even once, I might not have been pure enough for what happened later. But there I go with the "what ifs" again.

One day comes a man, but what kind of a man?
Do you know why he does what he does?
He walked into my room,
And he hung up his hat,
And I just didn't know where I was.

So time passed, and I suddenly realized that my teen years were behind me. I had entered the uncertain twenties. Mother still treated me as a child, and in some ways, I suppose I was. It was into this window of my life between a blushing maiden and an old maid that he finally entered. Oh, he didn't call on me. Nothing so mundane or demeaning as that for him! After all, he was the son of the Firelord! People came to him, not the other way around. No, I was summoned by an official proclamation.

My mother was ecstatic, as though her life's work was finally being realized. She put twice as much makeup on me as I had ever worn, stuffed me into a dress so tight I could scarcely breathe, and packed me off to the palace with only a few personal belongings. I only saw her once more, at my wedding. After that, she seemed content to leave me to my fate. I don't even know whether she still lives.

He was a lean man; he was a mean man.
He didn't own a cravat, smoked no cigar.
And God knows he never made me feel a lady!
There just wasn't time for "Sorry."

There I met Prince Ozai for the first time. To tell you the truth, he frightened me. I wasn't stupid; I knew that his grandfather and father had worked hard to undo everything my grandfather stood for, and Ozai seemed willing to follow in their footsteps. At the same time, there was something dangerously exciting about him. I can't explain it.

It was clear from the beginning that he did not view me as a lady. More of an object, really. He surveyed me from every angle, even checking my teeth. I still have them all.

In a way, it was a relief, strange as that may sound. He didn't expect me to be anything but beautiful and present. That I could be, with very little effort, at least until time made its unstoppable march across my face and figure. Otherwise, I could keep myself to myself. That was freeing, in its way.

Chin up high? My chin was down my shoes,
And I relaxed, but far too far.
Oh, the way the moon kept shining on.
The night was nice for rowing, and this girl was gone,
Not so perpendicular.

He took possession of me that day, in every sense. The wedding a few months later (about as quickly as a royal wedding can be arranged) was a mere formality. Everything happened so fast. I was swept up in the current of events, unable to take the time to figure out what I was thinking or feeling. In retrospect, I think that made the situation easier to accept.

Fate wasn't quite done with me, though. I dutifully gave Ozai two children, but I eventually found myself once again blazing a new path. I fed my husband's ambition in order that my young son, the light of my life, might be spared. The price, however, was to be estranged from my husband and children for the rest of my life. I carry no regret about the former.

So you let a man just walk right over you;
Who said dignified is what you are?
So many wonderful, terrible things did happen,
And now it's you can tell me…sorry.

So that's my life story, the good and the bad. I do worry about my son sometimes. I hope he's all right. The girl was her father's daughter, and I've no doubt she can take care of herself.

Anyway, my life is now in your hands. This knowledge could be very dangerous, for both of us, if certain people found out.

Well, no, of course, that's not everything. Surely you didn't want to know my favorite breakfast food when I was 13? Really? Tonight? I have no plans. Oh. I see. Well, I haven't had an offer like that in…actually, I've never had an offer like that. Maybe it's time I finally took some risks. I'd be delighted. Better late than never, right?

--

Author's Note: So Ursa finally finds a real romance. I have no idea who she's talking to, so fill it in for yourself. I like the idea of the one-sided dialogue, where the reader has to fill in the blanks of what else is being said. And about her father being 90 or so, if you've done the math, you'll realize that Roku had been dead approximately 70 years by the time Ursa was born, which means her father must have been very old. I have a feeling the creators left out a generation or two. If Sozin and Azulon both waited until they were about 50 to father children with much younger wives (not really unusual in royal families), their lineage makes more sense.

Review responses:

Wishing Only Wounds The Heart: Well, I try to do a sort of dedication to people who made suggestions I use. You can't beat Kataang and Wicked as a combination, yet I think that was the first I'd done. I will look into Rent lyrics at some point, but I've got a lot of ideas waiting in the wings already.

Spirit's Fire: If you hunt back through, there are a couple of other Mai songfics, such as "I'm Not That Girl" and "I Get a Kick Out of You." If you really like Maiko, I did a series of Maiko chapters in my Boys & Girls collection. I can't remember which chapters, so you'll have to hunt for them. I keep thinking I'll turn them into a longer story eventually, though it would have to be AU now.

Loupami: Life experience does help. Thank you very much for the kind words! Kataang has probably become my favorite fiction ship ever.

EmpressOfPudding: Actually, I think Mai and Ty Lee get along now, although I could see them having their differences if they had been, say, placed together at the academy right away. I'll think about it.

Kumori Doragon: We've already discussed the spoiler thing, but I hope you're going to read the new chapter of Magic Kingdom because it doesn't spoil anything. I'm happy you thought the last one was beautiful.

airnaruto45: I'm afraid you have the wrong collection, but I am thinking of doing that song eventually. However, it has far too many words to fit into the scene you're requesting. Besides, I prefer to write my own moments. Having browsed some of your stories, I see that you are happy with just having characters sing the lyrics, but that's not my style, and I hope you can respect that.