Chapter Thirty Five
Ali…
"Ya sure I'm not a bother?" The girl's small voice was like salve to a wound. With her own father's burial only a few short hours behind her, Ali knew that Emma's thirst for her company was exactly what she needed.
"No darlin, just do me a favor and show me how to hold that bow the right way again?" She could feel her speech slow down, quiet, to match her surroundings. She and Emma had walked away from what was left of their camp behind in the night, knowing that not a soul they'd abandoned had what it took to live in this world.
The obviousness of the decision didn't make them feel any less like shit. Ali couldn't help but feel wonder toward this girl, so young and still knowing the difference between life and death… choosing life and realizing the guilt that would latch itself to her for the rest of her life.
Emma's middle and index finger grew red against the pressure of the bow's string. Ali watched as the muscles in her other arm twitched with the weight of it. "Let it go." Her whisper reached Emma's ears despite how soft spoken she'd been. The girl released the string and let the arrow fly toward its intended target, a single tree branch knotted with another, far above in the trees. Alison watched as it thunked against the tree. She heard the impact, the crack of the wood as it split all the way down the middle.
"Nice shot huh?" The tears were thick in Emma's throat. A good five minutes passed before she spoke again. "Think we'll ever be forgiven?"
"For what?" Ali pretended as though she had no clue the penance that lay on her shoulders. What she would have to pay back eventually.
"Never mind." Emma shook her head, looked over to Ali, smiling the saddest smile that could ever be. She reached her hand out to her, begging with her eyes. "Come here, just for a sec… come here."
Ali took the girl's hand and stood, letting her rest her head against her shoulder. Emma's finger pointed toward the sky, taking Ali's eyes with it. "Look at how clear it is… it's like God knew we'd need the light…. Think you could ever learn to believe in something like that?"
Her tears fell like raindrops. "No Em, I can't."
"It's okay. I'll believe whatever you want me to." Ali shook her head in protest as Emma continued to squeeze her hand. "If I disagree I'll figure it out soon 'nough right? Meanwhile I think I'm just gonna do whatever will keep us together." She smiled against the sun. "I mean, who else do we have?"
"I don't suppose we have anyone." Ali felt her head grow heavy with the burden of this child she loved so dearly. She couldn't fail because it wasn't only her that would suffer. It was so much easier when it was only her life at stake. She didn't know how she felt about the entire thing until later that evening, deep in the darkened woods, while the young girl slept.
Her blonde curls were always in full view, her tendrils filling in the blanks of the space around them. Ali could hear the quiet rustling of leaves around her, the wind howling, making a sad song in the air so quiet when she needed the noise. All Ali wanted was for it to stop now. She pressed her dry, dehydrated lips against the sweet girl's forehead. "I'll keep you safe." Ali spoke to herself, Emma was merely an audience to her promise made to the heavens. She had a purpose, her purpose was to keep Em alive. Why else would she still be around after so much shit? She was meant for Emma's safe keeping.
Ali didn't mean to lose sight of that. She'd never forget her purpose
Daryl…
"What do ya mean?" He was as frantic as his heartbeat. He swiveled in a full circle once, twice, three times… her wild hair escaped him. He couldn't find her green eyes. "How the hell did ya get separated? Where is she Emma, huh?!" He knew he shouldn't have been yelling at her… but Daryl had literally just left the woman he loved alone to die.
Emma's sobs weren't to be controlled, no matter how Beth tried she couldn't still the young girl. Daryl could only make out a few words as she gripped her stomach, blood seeping through her shirt. "It hurts" and "I'm sorry"
Get your shit together Dixon, help the girl. She'd want more than anything for you to save Emma, so do it.
He released his bow to the side, gently moving Beth away from Em and taking the girl in his arms. She cried out as he pressed his handkerchief against her healing wound to quell the bleeding. "Shhh, come on girl, it's okay… just shhhh." Daryl was on his knees, Emma's small head pressed up to his chest as he rocked her to a calm. "It's okay, yer just fine… ya believe me? Huh?" He could barely feel it, but she nodded against him. He glanced up at Beth and the overwhelming pain painted on her face didn't offer an ounce of comfort.
Jesus Christ… He looked Beth in her big, scared eyes. They both thought the same thing in the same moment. What the fuck are we supposed to do now?
Ali…
Ali could feel the roughness of the bark against the nearly bare skin on her thighs. She might as well be wearing nothing, the shape these jeans were in. Worn paper thin, torn at the knees… she only had a tank top on, bandana to keep the sweat out of her eyes. At least she had all of her weapons strapped to her legs and waist… at least she was wearing the right boots, the boots she always wore when she was working. She could run in them, climb, do anything she needed to do.
The fuck is wrong with me? She asked herself, shaking her head. Ali took in the view all over. She was stranded amongst the trees, lost and alone. She'd managed to lose everyone around her, each one scattered and screaming in different directions… and in the end she was by herself, climbing a tree desperately trying to escape walkers. After shooting them down with her bow she'd managed to grab there was nothing to do but wait. So that's what she did… she waited for her friends… for Emma.
That's what she should be fucking worried about, not the state of her stupid blue jeans… the fact that she didn't have a jacket… these are things she should worry about after she found at least one of her companions. The first thing in her mind should be Emma. She was right behind me… she was right fucking behind me!
Ali heard them both before she set eyes on them. When she did she'd climbed down that tree so fast she scratched the hell out of her palms and fingertips. She'd barely noticed.
"Rick?" Ali dropped to her knees before the man and his son, Rick hardly able to hold himself up. "Jesus, what happened?" She turned to Carl, his face swollen with tears and despair no kid his age should know. "What happened Carl?" Ali questioned, supporting Rick as he sunk to his knees.
"Judith…" That was all he got out before he collapsed into tears.
The three held each other tightly, leaning on the person next to them just so they'd keep from sinking into the ground. They cried together and smashed their fists against the earth… the trees. Their collective anger could have moved the world on its axis if it were possible. Ali turned to Rick again as they were all drained of energy. When she opened her arms for him to step into he didn't hesitate, his pained sobs still caught in his throat, and she felt his fingertips dig into her skin… it hurt… and he didn't even realize he was doing it.
It was strange to leave the burning prison behind them. So many months they'd been there… that's where she met them for Christ sake. That is where she'd met Daryl, where they'd built some semblance of a life together. She couldn't just watch it burn to the ground, another loss taunting her with the smoke in the air, the ashes falling from the sky. Daryl's face flashed in her mind as they trudged on in silence, just looking for a semi preserved place to spend the night. Once they'd reached a reasonable camp, one where they could lay their heads near the water and not expect monsters to creep up on them… once they were there she rested alone. Ali could hear Carl's quiet sobs from across the small site. He tried to stifle them, just like he'd been taught to stifle everything his whole life she imagined. That's what Rick did. Lori too. Carl must have some of the same traits. Children are never immune to inheriting their parents' faults. After ten minutes listening to Rick's snores and Carl's whispered sobs Ali couldn't take it anymore.
She made it a point to move mutely from way she lay to where Carl was pretending to sleep unconvincingly. When she meandered up to him, her eyes never leaving Rick's face, she could hear Carl suck in his breath. Pretending even in that telling moment that no sadness plagued him.
"Hey, I know you're awake." Ali sat at least a few feet away, no need invading the bubble that forms around a fourteen year old boy. It wouldn't get her anywhere. "And you don't have to say anything… but if it helps I know what you're feeling."
"No you don't." There was no hesitation in his low voice. "You don't know, I mean, how could you? Just… leave me alone Ali… Emma was right."
She brought her arms tighter around her chest. "Yeah? 'Bout what?"
"You." He leaned up on his elbow, eyes still swollen from the damage caused that day. "She always told me that you were strong one second… and a coward the next. So don't pretend like you know how I feel." He stood then as Rick began to wake at their feet. "You couldn't possibly… cuz in the end you care 'bout you." He shook his head in disgust while his father shook his own to wake from his sleep. Carl's lips curled into a frown, the kind that kept you from crying when it was about to creep out. "It should have been her we found."
"What's going on?" Rick's voice was still groggy but he was sitting up now, staring at his son. "Who should we have found?"
Carl remained quiet, Ali did the same. She was flooded with embarrassment and pain… he was probably just frightened his father would lecture him, tell him why he was wrong… no teenager wants to hear that from their father, apocalypse or no apocalypse.
"Ya gonna talk to me? Either a' ya?"
"It's not important Rick." Ali spoke out toward the flat pond that lay in front of them. Carl started off toward the edge of the woods at the point, grabbing his gun as he passed them.
"Hey, the hell you think yer doin'?" Rick called after him just as Ali leaned forward and placed her hand on his arm. His head turned in her direction immediately, eyes confused and glassy from lack of sleep.
"Just let him walk it off. Trust me." Ali shivered as she wrapped her arms even tighter around herself. She wished she had Daryl's heavy leather vest. He always let her wear it when she'd get cold. It smelled like him… that earthy smell.
"Here." She heard him before she felt the light material of his tattered, bloodied sheriff's shirt around her shoulders. It was damp from the air around them, but the weight of it was a comfort just the same. She reached up and pulled the shirt tight around her neck. Pulled a little tighter… just to feel alive… just for a moment.
"Stop it." Rick demanded, tugging at the material around the collar she held on to. She released her grip and buried her head in her hands. "The hell is wrong with ya? Don't do shit like that." Ali nodded into her arms, refusing to look at him. "What'd my kid say to ya anyway?"
She made him wait before answering. "Nothing I haven't already accused myself of."
Ali waited for the lecture, the inevitable barrage of reasons why she was wrong… what she should do differently next time. It was typical Rick.
She took him by surprise by letting out a soft chuckle and clamping a hand on her shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze. "He does that, don't he? Take what you already know, what you don't wanna know, and… and just push it into your face like…" He let out another laugh, one with tears in his throat. "Like his damn mother. Used to drive me crazy… and I mean crazy. I'd stand there in the morning with my gun, my badge… my fuckin' hat… and I'd know that while everyone else in town respected me because of my uniform, those two would never be convinced. They'd always know the worst of me. They'd always know the worst parts of me." He looked at her then. "And it was okay. It was okay with them, because the good would outweigh the bad again eventually. Right? 'Cept… she died."
"I know." Ali's voice was near silent.
"She died thinkin' I hated her, Alison." Rick held her eyes. His were so red he looked like he had burst blood vessels. He probably did. "She thought I didn't love her… and I did." He broke then, like glass against stone. "I did."
"I know that too. I know you did. She knew too, she had to have." Ali scooted closer to him, draping his shirt back on to his own shoulders. The cold air pierced her skin. "Lori was one of the smartest women I've ever known. Hey… she picked you, right?"
"On occasion." The bitterness in his voice stopped her cold. He was still mad… still…
"See?" Ali turned her face away from his finally. "She was smart. She knew you were still angry about Shane. You never forgave her… not now… not then. Maybe that's why she thought you hated her even though the opposite is true." When Ali met his eyes again they were brimming, trying to keep his guilt from escaping. "Don't blame her for the rest of your life Rick. What's the point? So she fucked your best friend…"
She could hear his sharp breath in, saw the leaves beneath their hands crumble in his grip, dirt embedding itself even deeper beneath his fingernails. This might be a mistake… in fact it probably was… but oh well. People made mistakes every day.
"Move on." Ali stared at the moonlight bouncing off the surface of the water. "Get over it and move on. They're both dead. They both fucked up… but they both loved you. Consider yourself lucky." She scooted back to the spot in the sand where her body left a print. She lay her head back down, tucking her arms underneath. "Never loving anyone and having them love you back? … God… I can't imagine anything worse. So count your blessings. Better than just waiting to die."
Daryl…
Beth had her head on her folded hands, pretending to sleep. He could tell by her sudden breaths in and shaky ones out that she wasn't even close to it… but Daryl was relieved that any sadness she was feeling she was keeping to herself. He had enough to deal with on his own.
Emma, however, didn't even do him the courtesy of faking sleep. Didn't think that he may need just a few minutes… just a few fucking minutes to wrap his head around what had happened and come up with a plan to get back to Ali. She just sat there, staring straight ahead, interlocking her fingers and unfolding them over and over. He needed her to sleep, he needed to her not need him. Jesus, how did Alison do this? How did she know what to say?
As though his mind were a book she was cracking into Emma just shook her head. "I ain't goin' to sleep no matter how hard you think on it." She put her hand in the dirt and began to rake her fingers through it. "What if we're all sleepin' and she just walks by and we don't see her?" She shook her head again and let out a sigh. "Can't sleep, too risky."
"She wouldn't just walk by and not see us. She's more observant than me for shit's sake." Daryl's hand hovered above the girl's shoulder, but he thought better of it. Dropped it down to his lap again. "Ya need to sleep girly. It's not a request."
Emma snorted at him. "I know that. If it were, ya woulda' said 'Would ya please sleep girly?' I ain't stupid… and I ain't sleepin'." She locked her bright blue eyes on his to match. "Request, demand, or otherwise."
Daryl sighed, defeated, as he watched Beth roll over so she was facing them. Her eyes were open and teary. Emma's open and distant. And Daryl just felt like his should be shut. If they were both gonna be awake anyway, what the hell was the point? Let him fall asleep at last. Let him lay his head down and dream of her. Feel her face in his hands, her lips pressed against his. He thought of her soft skin, freckled and flawed with scars, but so beautiful that he would always want to touch it. Just a fingertip against the smooth skin at the nape of her neck was enough to calm him. Remind him of exactly what he had.
"Alright then…" He took his vest off and bundled it together. Both girls watched as he lay back on it, hand behind his head, Ali's smile waiting for him behind his eyelids. "Do me a favor kid?"
Emma watched him with suspicion, but nodded slowly. Daryl looked to Beth quickly.
"You too?" He asked. She was more dazed then suspicious, but nodded that same, slow way. Daryl nodded back and closed his eyes and thought of her. There she was. She was smiling. "Sing somethin'. Anythin'."
After a pause Emma's shaky voice answered him in the dark. "I can't sing Daryl."
"Yes ya can. Beth can. Ya can both sing something soft. Somethin' quiet and… make it sad. I need somethin' relatable." He swallowed. "And I don't think feelin' a thing but… sad… right now… well it don't make any damn sense."
The quiet that followed was deafening. Daryl could feel the tears behind his eyes and panicked. He reached up and covered his eyes so they couldn't tell with only his face of stone visible.
And then there it was. Beth's sweet voice, Emma's following with her nervous voice. The solace the sound provided him couldn't be measured or matched. Overwhelmed wasn't the word he'd use for what he felt in those moments… it wasn't grandiose enough.
All my bags are packed I'm ready to go So kiss me and smile for me There's so many times I've let you down So kiss me and smile for me Now the time has come to leave you So kiss me and smile for me Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The taxi's waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go
So many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't mean a thing
Every place I go, I'll think of you
Every song I sing, I'll sing for you
When I come back, I'll bring your wedding ring
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times, I won't have to say
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh baby, I hate to go
The quiet that followed, only the soft sounds of hiccupped tears from Emma and Beth sitting up to wrap her in her own small arms. Beth had just lost her father, right in front of her, and she was still there. Ready to sing for you and break your heart in the right way. He couldn't help but admire her in that moment. And those words… those lyrics…
Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes I'll be on my way
He'd already known this in his heart, but now he spoke aloud. "We'll find them. We will, ya gotta believe that. Both y'all. Believe it… okay?" He put his hand on Emma's shoulder and Beth's arm where they met. "Sleep now. Time for sleep."
They listened. All three fell asleep with their loved ones in their veins and on their minds. They'd find them. They had to… right?
Okay, so I know it took me FOREVER to update, but I hope you all enjoyed this! Now, these reviews you post this chapter are important… because I literally don't really know where to go from here. The only reason I was able to finish this chapter is because I knew I'd be writing this afterward.
What I want to know is what I should do from here. I have been torn between two options: They find each other right away and we see the reunion immediately and go from there. Or: We wait it out, see what happens with the two separate groups, who they find and what happens, for a little while at least. The reason I am torn between these two is because of this gap in the show. I don't want them to reunite right away on the one hand due to the unpredictable nature of what is coming next. On the other hand I want them to find each other because writing the two of them together is one of my favorite things and I haven't been able to as of yet.
So, dear readers, what would you like to see happen? Where do you want them to end up? I really would love your advice and opinions. I won't necessarily make everyone happy with what I write next due to this, but I want to know what people think. I don't have a great sense of what to do here lol. So please, read and review, and listen to "John Denver: Leaving on a Jet Plane". Makes me miss people that aren't even gone.