Chapter thirty six: Empty

JPOV

April 24, Wednesday

I was aware of what she had been up to this afternoon, and I wasn't so much hurt about it. I would tolerate Josh, he made her happy, how could I oppose? I just tried not to think too deeply about the things he did exactly, that made her this happy. I just enjoyed the fact that she would be coming home to me. Home. I could get used to that.

She decided she wanted to cook for me again, so we went to the supermarket. I loved doing the homey stuff with her too.

And then it happened.

I don't know what caused it, was it the smell from the butchers counter, or was it the crowd of humans in the shop, but she suddenly was hit with bloodlust.

Luckily she recognized it, and I brought her home immediately, but she gave me a scare anyway. I went back to the shop to buy some bloody steaks, hoping that they would quench her thirst.

When we had finished dinner, it had subsided a bit, but her throat was still slightly burning. So I phased and caught her some weasels to drain.

While she was drinking, I called Jasper, asking if there had been any thirst this afternoon. And he dryly answered "not for blood no." I didn't need that mental image and ignored his comment, explaining what had happened. We all knew she needed to hunt with the vampires. And she needed Carlisle's equipment for the daily measuring. And she needed her family around too. However perfect our situation had been for me, there were lots of things I couldn't provide her.

I knew it wouldn't last. Things that were too perfect never lasted.

So we agreed that Jasper and Alice would move into the cabin for a while, and Ness could go back home. Her real home.

Alice was not happy about this, the cabin was far from luxurious, and could definitely not contain all of her clothes. She found that this "fight" between Jasper and Ness should be reconciled. But others didn't ask questions, they knew Nessies stubbornness and always gave her her way. Alice eventually complied, letting Jasper know he could spend all his time in the cabin, but she would not stay away from Ness because of their row. We also agreed that whoever was free at the moment would be driving Ness to school, but apparently Josh did not appreciate different boys picking her up, so Esme would perform most taxi duties from now on, starting tomorrow evening.

That night we finished her homework in the couch, and I let her choose the movie. I wouldn't be watching the screen anyway. Instead I watched her face as she was fully immersed in the love story, and I treasured every minute she was home with me, knowing it had come to an end.

We spend evenings together at the Cullens too, but it was nowhere near the same as having her here with me, alone.

I pulled her closer to me, never wanting to let go again. I made little curls in her already curly hair with my fingertips, occasionally touching the soft skin on her neck. I kept myself from kissing that skin.

She believed I was intently watching the movie and that would give me away. That would give a lot away. I wondered how much longer I would be able to hide my true feelings for her.

As her laugher rang through the apartment, my heart made little jumps, and when a tear rolled down her cheek, I softly wiped it away with my thumb. When the movie came to an end, she nestled closer to me, sighing happily and telling me again how she loved my warm hugs. My happiness however was overcast by the ending of her stay. I was happy in a sad way, if that's possible. It was ironic that I had to be thankful for Jasper kissing her, as it had given me this gift of having her close for a week.

As she slept on my couch for the last time, I lay awake listening to her breathing. It was soothing me, but pulling me at the same time. I wanted to pick her up, keep her close, feeling her breath against me. I should have closed my door and go to sleep, but I have always been a glutton for sweet torture.

On Thursday morning I brought her to school and felt immensely blue driving back home.

Although she had also been away during daytime the two previous days, this time, my apartment felt unbearably empty.

I should have been catching up on sleep, but couldn't stay in that deserted place, and I went downstairs to throw myself at my work again.

I knew I had let me get too attached. It was never meant to last. It was some sort of beautiful make belief, and I had enjoyed believing it. But coming down to reality, knowing that she didn't belong to me and that she dreamed of someday coming home to Josh, it hit me full force with loneliness.

I caught myself counting the hours till I could see her again. I was simply too addicted. Just a few months ago I had found out first hand that suffocating her had the wrong effect and when I kept my distance, she would come to me eventually.

So I forbid myself to head to Forks, and I would wait until she called me to come over. Her family deserved some time with her too after all, and she would be busy doing measuring and hunting anyway.

Thursday passed, and so did Friday and eventually Saturday...

Three days of not seeing her. Three days of agony and desolation. She broke my heart again, never even knowing she had it in the first place. She did call me sometimes, but never asked me over. She was kept busy by Alice who insisted on making her prom dress, and by hunting lessons from Bella and Edward.

I felt much worse than I had before, now I had tasted my piece of heaven.

And for the first time in her existence, the thought of leaving her crossed my mind. Of starting a life somewhere else, without the hurt and the reminder of what I can't have. Just like Leah had…

Leah now had everything I needed so bad. Somebody to kiss goodnight and wake up next to in the morning. I hoped she never needed to be lonely again. But I also hoped she still cared about me. She was the one person that had ever loved me. I needed to believe she still did somewhere deep inside…

*****

AN: I am really sorry I made Jake sad again. And I am very interested in your views on this chapter, because there are some things in here that are important to me. So let me know what you think...

For all of you who are just dying to see him getting the girl, I will post an alternative oneshot this weekend. It's called "I miss how we used to". It's not the true story line, it's a separate piece, but I hope you will all like it anyway. Stay tuned!