June 4, 1832
Chapter 36: There Are Dreams That Cannot Be...
Éponine found herself, as the summer began, repeatedly drawn to both the Cafe Musain and to Marius's quarters in the Gorbeau tenement. The former because with General Lamarque dead at last, the situation in Paris was only get more and more critical. Enjolras insisted that the revolution would begin tomorrow, during Lamarque's funeral parade, and the ABC Society was getting ready to channel the storm of the people's' rage. And the latter because, well...
"Your friends must wonder why I come visiting you so often." She told him.
He smiled at her kindly. "Call them our friends, 'Ponine." He said. "None of you are strangers anymore, and you get along with all of them. What do you think they could wonder at?"
"Well, we never do what a young man and woman usually do, for one thing." She said.
He frowned. "Don't tease me like that, 'Ponine. I would never consider treating you like that. You're far too good of a friend for me to ever think of you as my mistress."
Éponine hid her mouth behind her hand, so that he couldn't see the full extent of her smile. "But it's true." She said. "I'm not your friend; not to the extent that Enjolras, Courfeyrac and the others are, anyway. But I'm not your mistress either. If anyone ever saw us talking together, in here or in the Musain, they'd probably consider us mad."
"Thank you for the compliment." Marius said dryly.
"I wasn't always this way, you know. Why, if you knew what I was like in Montfermeil...ah, you know that already." Éponine waved her hand. "I've told you that story already, haven't I? That afternoon in the gardens, after Papa and Parnasse hit me. What I'm trying to say now is; why should I act like a proper lady around you? You never ask me to, you're always perfectly happy with who I am. And..."She paused.
Marius looked at her, attentive. "Yes?"
Éponine took a deep breath. She'd never said these thoughts aloud before; not to Marius, not to Azelma, not even to herself. But she'd said this much already. Why not finish it all and say everything? Why not tell him how she felt?
She altered her thoughts slightly, and instead said, "Why should I pretend that I am a lady, when Cosette is the real thing? When she's the one who can always offer the small compliments, the sweet smiles, the lady-like air? I know you think otherwise, Marius, but I faced the truth about what I am a long time ago; a common street rat, little better than riffraff. A simple gamine compared to your Cosette." She almost spat out the word "your."
"What does Cosette have to do with this?" Marius asked.
"Everything!" Éponine wanted to scream. Instead, she just smiled cynically. "May I tell you a story?" She asked him. "It's a sad story, so I'll tell it like it's meant for children. Like a fairy-tale."
He nodded.
"Once upon a time, there lived a woman who came one day to a small kingdom." Éponine began. "This woman had a wonderful baby girl, and they were both very beautiful, but no one wanted them because the baby had no father. So one day, she went to the king and queen and begged them to look after her daughter while she went in search of work. She promised to pay them to take care of her until she came back."
"So she abandoned her child to strangers?" Marius asked incredulously. "Why would she do such a thing?"
"I'm sure she didn't want to." Éponine said quickly. "But she had no other choice, the poor woman. But anyway; although the king and queen had promised to take good care of the little girl, they treated her horribly. They forced her to become their servant in the castle and to wait on their two daughters, the little princesses, who were given everything while she was left with nothing."
"Poor girl." Marius murmured.
"Yes." Éponine said quietly. "You would think so, wouldn't you, Monsieur Marius? But you see, things got better for the servant girl. Although she never saw her mother again, one day a strange knight in a yellow suit of armor came from a different kingdom and promised to take her away. And he did." She paused. "And so, in time the servant girl became a princesses herself, lived splendidly in a castle of her own with the kind old knight, and-". Éponine stopped, her voice suddenly caught in her throat. She ground her teeth, and forced herself to finish this part of the story. "And eventually, she met a handsome young prince, and they fell in love, and they lived happily ever after."
Marius looked confused. "I thought you said this would be a sad story." He told her. "The beginning of the girl's life is tragic, certainly, but the end is quite hopeful. What's so sad about that?"
Éponine laughed bitterly. "It's sad, monsieur, if the story happens in reverse; which is exactly what happened to the first two princesses. You see, after the little girl left, the king lost his castle, his fortune; everything. He turned resentful, angry, and bitter. He took his family into the city, and there they started descending into Hell. The two princesses became servants themselves, and... worse things. For the older princess, there were times when she just wanted to fall down in a heap and die."
"So why didn't she?" Marius asked.
"She fell in love." Éponine said, simply yet sadly. "Only he never loved her back. That was the problem, see. He didn't know how she felt about him, because he was in love with someone else; her former servant, in fact, who was now a princess like she'd been. So when the prince and the princess finally got married and lived happily ever after, the former princess took off into the night, hating herself for thinking that he could ever return her love, and despairing that he was lost to her forever, because she never stopped loving him."
"That is the true end of the tale?" said Marius, breaking the silence that had fallen over them.
Éponine shrugged, nonchalant. "It actually hasn't ended yet, Monsieur Marius. It's only how I think it will end, but I know in my heart that I'm right."
"And you...you are the former princess." It was not a question.
"Yes. That is me."
Marius's face softened. "I don't need to guess who the young prince is, do I?"
"No."
"I am sorry, Éponine," he whispered. "So very sorry..."
"Don't." She said scathingly. "Just...don't." She turned away from him. She didn't want his pity. That was all he had been able to give her, and she both loved and hated him so much for it. Loving him for reaching out to her like nobody else had, and hating him for not giving affection along with sympathy.
But even her hard heart softened when she saw the glimmer of tears in Marius's eyes. She sat down by him and brushed them away. "Pray don't weep for me, monsieur; a long time has passed since the day she met that prince. She has learned to accept her fate."
"Or rather, no time at all." He said, his voice breaking. "I'd always suspected that you were being constantly wronged by someone; that was why you always seemed so downtrodden. But I'd always thought it was your father, or Montparnasse, maybe, who was responsible. Poor, dear Éponine, why didn't you tell me?"
"I never planned on telling you. Not after I lead you to Rue Plumet. In all these months that I've spent time with you, since I brought you to Cosette, I've wished to say it, but I didn't. I never thought of revealing my feelings about you."
"Yet now you reveal them to me."
"Yes."
"Why?"
Now Éponine could feel her cheeks getting very warm, and her eyes blurry with tears. "Because tomorrow, we might all be dead on some barricade in this bloody revolution." She whispered to him. "You, me, Enjolras, maybe even Gavroche...everyone we know. And before we die, I want you to know. I also never told you because... I was afraid."
"Of what?"
"Of that you would hate me!" And with that, she buried her face into Marius's shoulder.
He stroked her hair awkwardly, trying his best to comfort her. "Shhh...shhh...it's alright, 'Ponine, it's alright." He consoled. "I could never hate you. Never, I swear it."
But now that she'd finally admitted her feelings, the rest of her secrets came tumbling out of Éponine. "Oh, Marius...if you only knew. I knew all along that Cosette lived on Rue Plumet, even before you asked me to find her for you. I didn't tell you that right away, because I knew what would happen if I did. I would lose you for good, without ever having you to begin with. Worse, I would lose you to Cosette, the Lark, and she could finally say that she now had everything that was once mine. But then I read your letter to her, and I told myself, "Can't you see that it will make him happy if he finds her? Maybe if you make him happy with her, he'll like you more because of it. You could actually be a good friend for once, and maybe even a good person."
"So I brought you to Rue Plumet. I screamed for help when Patron-Minette was about to break into the house. I helped you kill Montparnasse. I've done so many things for you and her, and I don't even know why I'm doing it." She wailed. "And for every thing that I do to help you, I'm doing something to stop you. I'm so sorry, Marius; I hid her letter from you, Cosette's letter! She gave it to me to give to you, and I kept it from you." Éponine dug into the folds of her dress, and produced the letter that Cosette had written the week before. "She never left France at all. She just took a trip with her father to some mountain town for a little while. I made you think that the love of your life had left you without a word of explanation. Why would I do such a thing?"
She started to cry, and her tears shamed her even more than her words. Marius had seen her beaten in the street, and she'd hardly reacted at all. She'd attacked Montparnasse without a moment's hesitation. He'd called her the bravest person he knew, that cold February day in the Jardin du Luxembourg. And here she was, sobbing like a baby.
"You did it," Marius began slowly, as though he were choosing his words carefully. "Because you were in love with me."
Éponine tried for a smile, but failed. "I suppose that's it, isn't it? But Marius...I hardly know what love is. Who, aside from Maman, Azelma and Gavroche, has ever cared a fig over me, Éponine Thenardier? I was afraid that if I told you how I felt, you would turn me away, like all the others I've tried to love, especially if you learned how much I've lied to you. And really; what could you ever find in me to love?"
Marius squeezed her hand. "More than you might think." He told her quietly. "You're too hard on yourself, Éponine. Where you see only despair and tragedy, I'm sure that others see hope, as love as well."
"I want to believe you. It's just...I can never seem to find the words to..." Éponine took his other hand in hers, and before she knew what she was doing, she kissed him on the mouth.
Oddly enough, he didn't shrink away from her. Instead, he responded, hesitantly at first, then with shy but eager pleasure. At last their lips parted and he retreated, but only slightly, their hands still clasped.
"Éponine." Marius said urgently, his face reddening. "There's something I have to tell you straightaway..."
Éponine's heart soared. Oh, how she'd dreamed of this moment! "Yes?" She asked, unable to keep the gaiety from her voice.
"Yesterday, I asked Cosette to marry me."
Éponine blanched. That was not what'd she been expecting. She felt as though her head had just been relieved of all its cares, only to plunge into a bucket of ice water. "What?"
"I already knew that she hadn't left France. I met her yesterday at her apartment on Rue de l'Homme Arme. I apologized for not receiving her letter-thanks to you, I now understand why-and... I asked for her hand. If I could gain her father's and my grandfather's consent, we would be married after the revolution."
The world around Éponine seemed to rock violently. Her legs felt wobbly. She made a desperate attempt to breathe normally, but failed. Her hands broke away from Marius's, which only made her heart fall even further. The lights in the sky-which for five months had shone more brightly than ever-were starting to go out.
Marius seemed to take notice of her discomfort. "Are you alright?" He asked.
Éponine stood up, trembling. "I'm fine, monsieur. Everything's fine." She said, her voice incredibly shaky. "I would just like to say that I hope that you and Mademoiselle Cosette will be very happy together. Goodbye." Then she turned around and ran.
"Éponine!" Marius called after her. But she was already too far gone. She ran out of the tenement, down the boulevard, with no idea where she was going, except to get farther and farther from that horrible place where her heart had died.
She at last collapsed at some bridge above the river. She didn't know where she was now, nor did she care. Her mind was saying to her evilly, 'You stupid girl! He never could love you, and now he never will! Go, take off like the princess in the story. You told him that you knew you were right.'
But another part of her said 'But he doesn't hate you, either. He said so. He said that he could never hate you, and that was what you feared. Him hating you. He may not love you, but he still cherishes you. He called you his friend.'
To which the evil part replied, 'Do friends lie to each other? No! Once he understands what you've done to sabotage his relationship with Cosette, with the address, the letter, he won't call you his friend. No one will be your friend, once the Amis find out what's happened tonight. You will be on your own, forever.'
Éponine crawled towards the side of the bridge. She remembered that night, after she and Marius had left the Cafe Musain for the first time, they'd walked down together to the embankment on the way home. It had been a beautiful evening. She remembered him making a few small comments about how lovely the river was at night, or the stars in the sky.
She stared down into the Seine's water depths. 'Little did he know that it wasn't the river or the stars that made the night magical!' She thought mournfully.
The evil part of her brain began to call her again. 'That's it, girl.' It said coaxingly. 'Now you understand. The lights have all gone out now, and they won't come back on. Jump! Throw yourself into the darkness and be done with it all.'
Éponine stood up, the wind from the river blowing her hair behind her face. She now stood on the very edge of the bridge. Another few inches, and she would fall into the water. 'Escape.' Her psyche explained. 'That's what the river represented, that precious moment when you were with him on the embankment. It was your escape from the world of Éponine Thenardier. Now let it be your escape from the world of Marius Pontmercy. Your hopes have failed, Éponine. They've remained a dream out of your reach.'
She leaned forward, the sound of the river growing louder and louder in her ears.
But then the other part suddenly told her, 'It was always just a dream.'
And Éponine's stars blazed with light.