A/N Thanks for all the love on the last chapter. That as well as this one were very emotionally draining with me having to listen to sad music and read old diaries and stuff. It was worth it though. I hope you all enjoy this.

I am Trying Very Hard to be Here

BPoV

I felt as though I were floating cold and weightless through the air. A soft murmur of a voice spewing a stream of obscenities was all I could hear. I realized that I was being carried and my heart started pounding in my chest.

He had come back for me….

My eyes burned behind my eyelids but I forced them open anyway, seeing nothing but a cloud of black. Had I cried myself blind? No it was hair…black silky hair cascading over my face.

"What did that monster do to you Bella? I'll kill him for this."

I let out a painful audible groan when I realized it was not him carrying me. A part of my brain didn't care who it was but the other part instinctively tightened my grip around, what I realized was Jacobs's neck, andI buried my face in the comforting earthy scent of his hair. As we came out of the clearing into my backyard I peaked through his locks up at the sky. It was an odd pinkish color and I knew it was sometime in the early morning from the sound of the birds chirping. How long had I been out there?

"Thank God you found her Jacob!" I heard Charlie's strained voice as Jacob sprinted across the backyard. The next thing I knew I was being placed on the couch and within in seconds my wet clothes were being pulled from me replaced with a dry ones and a towel was ruffling through my hair. I had kept my eyes closed wishing for this all to be a dream. If I opened my eyes that would make me see this situation was real and I didn't want that. That would mean he really was gone.

"Bella, look at me sweetie. Can you open your eyes? Look at me…its mommy honey look at me. Oh Charlie what's wrong with her? Why won't she look at me?"

"Bella…can you hear me…nod you head if you can hear me"

I honestly thought I did. I thought I had nodded at Charlie's request but apparently I didn't. I felt my head being pushed back against the couch and my eyes lids being pried open….someone was flashing a light into my eyes and throwing around words like "in shock" and "catatonic".

I could feel the flashlight holder inspecting my ankle. "It's re-broken…I'll have to re-set it. It'll hurt though in her state I doubt she'd feel it." Whoever was speaking was right. I didn't feel a thing. I was beyond numb. An arm wrapped around my shoulders needlessly restraining me as the doctor set to work. It was only then that I opened my eyes of my own accord and looked around at the sea of concerned faces: my dad, Jacob, a few deputies from Charlie's work, and finally my mothers pained blue eyes next to me.

"Bella where is Edward?" my mother asked. The sound of his name sent my mind whirling and the wind was knocked out of me. It was like she punched me right in the chest and my entire body tightened as I curled into a ball.

"Gone," was all I could manage. My voice was small and unfamiliar. It was hard to breathe and I felt like I was being sucked under some black void as I uttered the words for the first time realizing that they were in fact true.

"So you know?" came Charlie's questioning voice next. "Did he take you out there Bella? Did that bastard leave you out there?" His tone was acidic enough to make me want to respond. I looked up at my red-in-the-face fuming father and opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out.

"Bella answer me! Did Edward leave you out there in the woods?" I cringed again at the sound of his name.

"No. He….left me in…the house…I…followed him…out there…and fell…He didn't…know," I finally managed to get out. Jacob placed a mug of tea in front of my face and I recognized the mug as the same mug he had brought up stairs that first night. I smacked his hand away, cringing like he was trying to hand me a poisonous snake.

"Okay…so you don't like tea…I'll remember that." Jacob said with a laughing tone.

"Charlie maybe we should take her in…keep her under observation for the night?" the doctor person said. I whipped my head around and glared at him. I was not stepping foot in that hospital.

"NO!" I shouted with as much force as I could which wasn't much. I still couldn't breathe.

"Bella, be reasonable…let Dr. Gerandy take you in. You could be hypothermic or something."

"No." I said again a little more forcefully. "My bed…I just want my bed." I looked up at Dr. Gerandy with pleading eyes. He nodded his head at me and then turned back to Charlie motioning for him to follow out in the hall. Renee stroked the side of my face cooing softly trying to calm me. I hadn't realized I was shivering until Jacob brought the afghan down from the back of the couch and wrapped it around my shoulders.

"Tell me what happened out there Bella. Where did he go?" I shook my head not wanting to even think about the fact that… I had no idea. Jacob grabbed my face and his hands stung my cheeks where they lay. I withdrew from his touch but he held fast to me forcing me to stare into his eyes. He stared back for a moment and then moved the blanket from my shoulders turning my head side to side. Then he pushed my sleeves up and inspected my arms and legs. My mother was sitting right next to us staring at him in horror but I didn't care. I just wanted to lie down and never move again.

"Um…Jacob what are you looking for?" she finally asked him sound a little worried. I watched him through narrowed eyes as he looked up at her with an innocent smile and replied, "You know scratches and stuff. I found her out in the dirt. She could get an infection or something."

Charlie came back into the room sans doctor and thanked everyone for coming. Once he led them all to the door he came back and collapsed in the chair beside us. "The doctor says you're alert enough that he doesn't have to take you in. We're all exhausted so Jake you can stay here tonight, the couch is yours. Renee you're welcome to my room. Let's get Bella into bed and deal with this later."

Renee nodded as she stood up trying to pull me to my feet but I had not the strength to move. My gaze shifted down to the couch where just hours ago I had been wrapped in his arms and I lost it again. All the air was expelled from my body in one gasping cry. Jacob gathered me up in his arms carrying me up the stairs to my room. From the corner of my eye I saw his face scrunch up as he laid me on my bed and kneeled at my side. I lay on my side and stared at his face as he stroked my hands and hair.

"Have you been hurt? Did he hurt you?" I felt like screaming at him. Of course he didn't hurt me, I wanted to yell, aside from ripping out my heart. No, of course not.

"No," I sighed out instead.

"I knew something like this would happen Bella. I told you he was dangerous. I told you that he would end up hurting you. Why didn't you listen to me?" I wasn't in any mood for this. All I wanted was for what ever the black void I felt that was creeping up on to just take over. Dark couldn't come soon enough for me. I wanted to see and hear and feel nothing…because what I was feeling at the moment was beyond explanation. The pain I was feeling was worse than the burning pain of the venom and this time I did not have him to comfort me. I rolled over turning my back to Jacob and stared at the opposite wall hoping he would take the hint and just go away.

I barely heard his footsteps before my door clicked shut and with one last intake of breathe I screamed in agony. Gone…gone…gone…he was gone. I thought I had cried myself out in the woods, but now that I had admitted it out loud that he was gone, a fresh wave of stinging tears flowed from my eyes and violent sobs wracked through my body.

At some point I suppose I had fallen asleep. Renee came in offering me food but I silently refused. I lay statue still staring up at my ceiling, going in and of sleep as Charlie, and then to my surprise Jacob, took turns coming in trying to get me to eat. Eventually they let me alone. At the end of the week Charlie and Renee came quietly into my room with suitcases. I was confused for a moment until they started whispering about plane tickets and packing.

"What are you doing?" I croaked out. My throat was dry and it felt like I was swallowing razors. I hadn't spoken in days.

"Oh, Bella honey, did we wake you? I'm sorry sweetheart. Lie back down. We'll wake you when its time to go."

Time to go? Time to go… go…go…gone…The word ripped painfully through me and I collapsed back onto my bed holding myself together.

"What do you mean go?" I panted out.

"Bella honey…you're dad and I think it would be best if you came back to Jacksonville with me." I started to shake as the only emotion I had allowed myself to feel besides sorrow flooded my brain. Anger ran hot through my veins as I shot up ripping the clothes from my mother's hands.

"I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!" I screamed at them both knocking the suitcase and its contents onto the floor.

"Bella, now calm down okay. You haven't eaten anything in a week. You've barely left this room. This can't go on much longer. You've gotta get yourself back together honey and being here with all the memories and everything…well I don't think it's gonna help you. Trust me I know." Charlie's voice cracked at the end of his sentence as he glanced at Renee and back at me.

"No. Dad no. You can't make me go. I won't go."

"Bella staying here isn't gonna help you. You need a change of scenery. Jacksonville will be good for you. You can come home for Christmas if you feel up to it."

"No."

"Bella."

"No! What if he comes back? If he changes his mind this is this first place he'll go. If I'm not here he won't be able to find me. I'm. Not. Moving."

"Bella, Edward Cullen is gone. He isn't coming back. I've been to the house. They are all gone. Carlisle got a job at some fancy hospital…they aren't coming back." I was at this pointed blind by rage. I picked up the closet thing to me, the clock of my nightstand, and chucked it at the wall.

"I SAID IM NOT GOING ANYWHERE AND I MEANT IT. GET OUT!"

I picked up the lamp and threw that too. I screamed as the tears flowed from my eyes and I picked whatever was within my reach and threw it so they would just leave. Charlie attempted to restrain me but I thrashed in his arms and pushed him off.

"Damnitt Bella. Calm down!" Charlie grabbed at me again this time pinning me to the bed. I thrashed beneath him as Renee came at me with a needle jamming it into my thigh. I silently thanked the lord that she had gone to nursing school and didn't even have time to ask what she had given me before my head went foggy and I was being dragged to the top of my bed.

"Fine Bella, if you want to stay then stay. But I'm warning you. You have a week until school starts and your going…every single day. If you're grades start slipping…if you don't come out of this by then…I putting your butt on the first plane to Jacksonville…you can kick and scream all you want but you're going. Even if I have to drug you to get you there!" My door slammed and all I heard was my mother whimpering as she cleaned up the mess from my tantrum before I went under.

September

The broken clock was a comfort. It helped me sleep at night. Because of it I didn't count the seconds that had passed without him. Charlie never mentioned my outburst and neither did I. I barely spoke at all. I was barely alive, functioning on autopilot, as I moved through the house and then when school started through the halls. The first few days Angela had attempted to comfort me but at finding me unresponsive, she resolved to sitting by me and occasionally rubbing my back when someone's mentioning his name, any of their names, had sent me doubling over gasping for air.

The pain medication Dr. Gerandy had put me on for my ankle had given me the gift of dreamless sleep but it did nothing to ease the pain of the gaping hole in my chest that used to be my heart. Charlie eventually realized it was a good idea to stop questioning me about what happened when Jacob, who at cemented himself as a semi-permanent fixture in the house, pointed out that the mere mention of him practically killed me. I was grateful of that, although it was hard to hide my irritation at him always being there. I didn't like the feeling of being watched. I wanted to wallow in peace but he was always there offering some joke or "comforting" word trying to make me "feel better".

Nothing in the world would make me feel better unless he returned. I held onto to the belief that he would realize how much he loved me and would come back. I had to believe that.

October

The leaves on the trees had all turned orange and brown. I hobbled through the woods searching for something I knew I wouldn't find, but something that I knew I had to keep looking for. I had wandered so deep in that I could no longer see the sky through the thick trees; therefore I didn't know that it was pitch-black out.

Great. Just what I need. Lost in the woods again.

I attempted to double back from where I came. It started to get cold and the wind chilled my bones through the thin jacket I had stupidly taken with me on my little adventure. What was I think coming out here by myself? Maybe I didn't have a sense of self-preservation as he had said to me so many times. Just the thought of him sent me doubling over in pain and I panted trying to catch my breath as I clutched my mid-section.

Keep it together. Just get home. You can try again tomorrow.

I pressed on noticing, much to my dismay, that the moss covered fallen tree I was looking at, I had just passed. The wind blew this time stopping the air in my lungs. It seemed to whisper my name and I heard a faint familiar laugh coming from somewhere in the distance. I whirled straining my eyes searching for the source. There was nothing there.

I really didn't want to be out here anymore.

Suddenly there was a gust of wind blowing past me so fast that it knocked me on my ass. I scooted back against the tree, my chest heaving, and then I saw him. He stood there between two trees, with his back turned to me, glancing over his shoulder. I reached out my hand and he smiled my favorite half smile before disappearing. I jumped up whirling again and there he was in another spot, smiling and reaching for me.

"Bella…My Bella."

His velvet voice traveled on the wind, encircling me and I ran to him with tears streaming down my face.

"I knew you would come back. I knew you would." I said holding my arms wide open to him.

He flashed in front of me throwing his arms around and burying his face in my neck. Tears streamed down my faces as I ran my fingers through his hair and down his neck and over his shoulders.

"Oh Bella…my Bella…I've missed you so much", he whispered into my neck. I pressed myself against him eager to feel that he was really here in my arms. He started to growl and I froze when he broke free from my embrace and stepped away.I watched in anguish as his lips pulled back over his teeth and his eyes turned blacker than I had ever seen them. He snarled and shrank away from me covering his nose with one hand and pointing at me with the other. I lifted my hands to him and saw what he was pointing at. The moonlight illuminated the blood that covered my hands. I looked from them to him and back to my hands, patting myself to see where it was coming from, when I saw the deep red stain over the left side of my shirt where my heart would be.

"Edward!" I screamed out but he turned his back and stalked off. I called after him running and then he started to run and I knew I would never catch him. I tripped landing face first in the dirt and when I looked up he was gone and I screamed.

The scream sent me bolting up in my bed clutching the sheets. Charlie rushed into the room throwing his arms around me.

"Bella, Bella what's the matter honey what's wrong?"

I buried my face in shoulder as he rocked me. "Shhh baby, shhhh its okay. I'm here Bella. I'm here. Its okay it was just a bad dream. It was just a night mare."

And that's how it was after they had taken my pain meds away. Every night I cried myself to sleep. He haunted as scent on my pillow. His scent lingered everywhere I looked and I couldn't escape it. Every night I had a new nightmare that woke me up screaming. Sometimes the dreams weren't frightening. Sometimes the dreams were memories replaying in my head. Memories of times we had spent together. Memories of times we had touched and kissed and whispered I love you. Memories I spent my every conscious thought trying to keep locked away. Those were the worst ones. Those were the ones that sent me rushing to the bathroom dry heaving.

The month passed in a blur. One long day followed by one long night that was the same over and over. Except for my birthday. Jacob had surprised me by filling the house with balloons and baking me a giant chocolate cake (which he ate most of). Charlie came in with the mail, his face red and eyes almost bulging out of his head.

"What is it dad? Is there something for me in there?" I asked him, locking my eyes on his face. Charlie had no better ability to lie than I had.

"No, well, yes but just from your Mom and Phil. That's it." He answered quickly handing me the small package but my eyes were locked on the large ivory envelope he was holding under his arm. My mind could have been playing tricks on my but I thought I smelled warm vanilla and brown sugar….a scent that I knew and again left me breathless.

Alice.

"What…is…that?" I asked him pointing at the envelope.

"Oh this? Nothing. Its junk mail" He tossed it into the fireplace before I could even get out to my chair. That night I dreamt of her.

By the end of the month Charlie had stopped running into my room to console me. He had stopped coming in the bathroom to hold my hair and rub my back as I vomited. The teachers at school had stopped calling on me and well the only people who still spoke to me were Angela and Jacob. Jacob who still hadn't taken the hint that I was in no mood for his antics.

November

So the saying says that time heals all wounds but this was one time did nothing for. The absence of __ was apparent everywhere I looked. It was apparent in the painful gaping hole in my chest. It was apparent in the hollow feeling in my stomach. I had somehow managed to lock the thoughts away. I didn't allow myself to think of the name or the face or the voice until I was in the confines of my own home and eventually my closet. I would curl in a ball on the floor and cry and scream until I was exhausted then drag myself to bed and hope that I wore myself out enough that the dreams wouldn't come. It rarely worked but it was all I had.

Jacob stuck around, never seeming to mind that I rarely spoke. When I did it wasn't much more than a whisper. He would come and sit with Charlie, sometimes Billy would come as well, but I barely noticed. I spent the majority of my time at home sitting in the one spot __ had never sat in buried in my books. The only plus from this situation was that my grades had gone up exponentially

Nothing seemed to be able to make the dreams stop and I stopped looking for ways. It didn't help that I hadn't been able to kick the nasty habit of still reaching for __ when I woke up and I spent the first half-hour of everyday silently crying.

December

Time may not heal all wounds but its does help you deal with them. The dreams still continued but they didn't wake me up anymore. I fought and cried through them and woke up to a tear-soaked pillow.

I sat at the kitchen table one morning pushing cereal around in a bowl when Charlie slammed his hand down on the table so hard the bowl wobbled splashing milk and corn pops everywhere.

"Damnitt Bella that's it. At the end of this semester you're going to Jacksonville." My eyes flickered up to his face quickly and placed the spoon down next to the bowl.

"Why? My grades are better then they've ever been. I've haven't missed a day of school. What reason do you have to send me away? I haven't done anything."

"That's the problem Bella. You haven't done a damn thing. You're like a zombie. Jake's here almost everyday and you barely speak to him."

"I don't ask him to come. Tell him to stop. I don't want to talk."

"I told you that you had better come out of this. I know what you're doing and I think it's stupid. It's been months Bella and you haven't heard a word from Edward or any of the other Cullen's for that matter."

The sound of his name ripped me wide open. I hid my trembling hands underneath me and lowered my eyes so Charlie wouldn't see the tears.

"I'm not waiting for h…I'm not waiting." I lied. "It's the middle of my senior year. You can't expect me to leave in the middle of my senior year. That's ridiculous."

Charlie slammed the paper down and pushed away from the table. "No Bella. You're being ridiculous. You're not the only person who's ever been broken up with you know. I got divorced and got over it….you should be able to get over this."

"Did you? Did you really?" I asked him, remembering the wedding photo he still had hung up in his bedroom.

"Bella…we...we're…we're not talking about me. We're talking about you." He stammered out.

"You're right dad. We are talking about me. But if you're gonna use yourself as an example then you can't expect me to learn anything if you're just as guilty as me. I'm not going to Jacksonville so stop threatening me. You want me to go out? I'll go out. You want me to prance around here like I'm fine? Fine then I'll do it. I'll put on a tutu and everything." My bottom lips was trembling and I bit down on it to keep the cry that was building up from coming out.

"I don't meant to be rough on you kid, but you look at you. I say his name once and you can't even sit up straight. I'm worried about you. This isn't healthy and you know I just want what's best for you"

I hadn't noticed that I had wrapped my arms around myself and was leant over until I realized the pattern that was dizzying me was my kitchen floor. I stood up slowly so as not to crack and placed the bowl in the sink.

"I know Dad. But I want you to know that I am trying. It's hard but I'm trying. Let me get where you are in peace please. Threatening to send me away isn't helping. It's hurting. It feels like you don't want to be around me either." Charlie closed the space between us in on step wrapping his arms around me.

"Don't think that Bells. Of course I want you to stay. I just want to see you smile again. I just want to see you happy and healthy again. I'm sorry. I'm here….if you wanna talk I'll listen." I shook my head against his chest noticing that although I knew my father was warm…I still felt cold. Just as we pulled apart Jacob came in through the front door wiping his greasy hands on a rag that was hanging from his front pocket.

"Hey Charlie. Hey Bella. Got those oil changes done for you and I put some chains on Bella's tires so she won't slip in the snow." He smiled at me and it was the first time in months I was actually face to face with him. There was a certain glitter in eye that kind of mesmerized me and as we made eyes contact his lips widened into a smile. I felt the corners of my mouth twitch and then the foreign sensation of my own smile.

"There she is! I knew it was only a matter of time before she'd come out of it. Corn pops? Was that the trick?" Jacob said picking up the box and shaking it. I couldn't help but laugh a little and Charlie stared at me wide eyed clutching his heart.

"My God Jake what ever it is that you're doing keep doing it. She's alive! She's alive!" he said mockingly throwing up his hands. My cheeks started to burn a little and I knew if I hadn't been so dead the past few months I would have had a full on blush.

"Stop it you guys." I moved to wipe the milk from the table but Charlie beat me to it.

"Quick Jake…take advantage of this once in a life time opportunity and get her out here" Jacob smiled wide again with a hint of mischief in his eyes before he rushed at me and threw me over his shoulders.

"Jacob put me down right now." I screamed but he didn't listen.

"Not a chance Bell's. You picked the perfect day to come back to life. You're coming down to La Push with me for a winter Pow Wow. Let' the wild Rumpus Begin!" Jacob ran to the door faster than I would have thought he could and grabbed my boots and jacket before stomping out the door. I looked with embarrassment at the fact that my ass wasn't even 3 inches away from Jacob's face, at Charlie who was waving from the front door.

"Have fun kids! Be careful. If it gets to late just call and stay down at Jakes tonight."

Once we were in the car Jacob cranked the heat up in my truck until it was blaring in my face. I put my hands out in front of it but felt nothing.

"So….pow wow hunh? Does that mean you're gonna wear straw skirts and feathers?" I asked looking up at him from the corner of my eye. He flashed a smile down at me as wide as his face and chuckled.

"I'm not but some people will."

"Is this like a ceremony or something?"

"Used to be but now its more like a big party."

"Don't worry," he said smiling at me again. "You'll have a great time…if you let yourself."

A/N I hope you all enjoyed that chapter. It was hard to write but still fun.

I just wanted to express my appreciation for everyone thats reading and even more to those that take the time leave me a review. It means alot to me and I love you guys for the nice things that you say. It really warms my heart.

So thanks so much.