Thanks for all the reviews. Sorry this chapter has taken so long. It is really hard to find time to write around work and my mostly non existant social life which thrives at the moment yayhay :P Anyway enjoy.
Chapter 36
'When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier.' Roy E. Disney
The next morning when Livie and Reid awoke either of them spoke about the job offer. They both just moved about their morning routine trying to ignore the elephant in the room until it was time for Reid to leave for work.
As he was leaving he turned to look at Livie who was standing behind him with her arms folded. "Have you decided" he asked and didn't know whether he should feel relieved or worried when she shook her head. "You'll figure out the right decision" he said "you always do."
She managed a small smile as she moved forward to kiss him goodbye. Her hands lingered on his cheek and her lips remained on his for longer than usual before she slowly pulled apart, her eyes searching his face for him to give her some clue as to what to do. But he gave nothing away wanting her to make her own decisions.
Eventually Livie looked away "go" she whispered "I'll see you later." He nodded slowly and after stroking her cheek one last time he slowly opened the front door and stepped out of the apartment and moved slowly down the stairs to his car.
He drove to work in a daze struggling to comprehend the idea of life without Livie.
At the office the team saw that he was upset about something and as they all sat around the round table in the conference room they all shared glances at each other wondering what was wrong and trying to figure out how to pose the question as Reid sat staring at the file in front of him clearly not reading due to the fact that he was still staring at the same page he had been reading five minutes ago.
Eventually he looked up and saw everyone staring at him and he looked around "what" he asked.
"Are you ok" Rossi asked and he nodded "yeah sure why wouldn't I be" he asked.
"Well for starters you've been reading the same page for five minutes when it usually seems to take you only five seconds… so something is definitely up" Morgan said.
Reid sighed "Livie and I... we had a sort of fight last night."
Everyone's eyes widened "You and Livie had a fight" JJ said "that's worrying"
"Why" Reid asked confused "couples fight all the time. I am sure that is why our case load is as big as it is."
"Yes smarty pants but you and Livie are certainly not a normal couple and you certainly don't fight." Morgan said.
Reid dropped his head "well I guess we are a normal couple."
Everyone looked at each other confused. "What did you fight about" JJ asked gently.
Reid shrugged "a decision that needs to be made. She wants to make one decision but I want her to make the other decision."
None the wiser everyone looked at each other sensing that he wasn't going to elaborate any further but still worried about what was going on between Livie and Reid.
That was when Hotch entered and ordered them to tell him what they had learned from the files.
After glancing at Reid they all began to offer theories and suggestions about one of the cases they had been shown. Reid stayed quiet at first until there was a lull in the conversation and he sensed everyone looking at him so he launched into a description of how 98% of spree killers were male.
Hotch picked up on the fact that something was wrong and as everyone headed back to their desks he stopped Reid "are you ok" he asked and Reid looked at him "I know about Boston" he said and Hotch sighed "they called me wanting me to approve her transfer over. Without my approval she cannot move. I wanted to talk to Livie before I did so. I saw that she was uncertain so I told her to think about it and then tell me what she wanted to do."
He watched his young agent closely "how do you feel about this" he asked and Reid shrugged "it is not my decision to make" he said softly.
"That doesn't tell me how you feel" Hotch said and Reid sighed as he looked at his boss.
"I…" he began before he paused and thought about how he felt.
"I don't know" he eventually managed "I mean I am happy for her that she got the job and all but I don't want her to go. I love her Hotch and I don't want her to leave but I don't want me to be the reason for her staying."
"What did you say to her" Hotch asked and Reid looked away.
"I told her it was her decision to make and hers alone" he said and Hotch nodded "that was the right thing to do" he said gently and Reid sighed "but why did it feel so wrong" he asked.
Hotch didn't answer. He just bowed his head not knowing what to say.
Meanwhile in the breakroom both Emily and JJ were surprised when they heard the doors open and they saw Livie coming into the bullpen looking around uncertainly.
Emily looked at JJ who shrugged before they both made their way towards their former intern who spotted them coming over and gave them a small grin.
"Hey" JJ said as she gave her a quick hug "what are you doing here?"
"Are you here for Reid" Emily asked "he's in the round table room with Hotch… I can get him for you" she began before Livie shook her head.
"Actually I'm not here to see Spence" she said looking at them "I am here to see the two of you."
Both of them seemed surprised by this but quickly got over it as they saw the indecision in her eyes.
"Ok" JJ said looking around "do you want to go somewhere quieter" she asked seeing how Livie kept glancing up towards the round table room. Livie nodded and JJ looked at her watch "fancy taking an early lunch Emily?" she asked and Emily nodded "I'll go tell Hotch" she said and as Livie and JJ headed off towards the elevator.
Emily stuck her head back round the door of the round table room where Hotch was still talking to Reid. "Hey Hotch" she said "JJ and I are taking an early lunch."
When Hotch glanced over at her questioningly she jerked her head towards the elevators and he glanced over and spotted Livie and nodded quickly obviously understanding. Thankfully Reid seemed so deep in thought he didn't notice their little exchange enabling Emily, JJ and Livie to slip off to lunch unnoticed.
When they arrived at a small café they frequented regularly they all ordered a drink and settled themselves down in a table by the window where they all fell into silence for a few minutes before JJ gently asked "so what was it that you wanted to talk to us about?"
Livie didn't speak for another minute or so. She just stared at the steam curling up from her mug before she let out a sigh and lifted her head to look at them both.
"I've been offered a job" she said "the dream job… the job I have always wanted… ever since I learned what profiling was."
Both JJ and Emily smiled "that's great" they began but they were cut off as Livie shook her head.
"No it's not" she whispered as she looked at them "the job… it's in Boston."
They both blinked in surprise and looked at each other before they looked back at Livie.
"Is that what you and Spence where arguing about last night" Emily asked and Livie shrugged
"I wouldn't call it an argument" she said "more me not being able to make up my mind on what to do."
"So why was Reid so rattled about last night" Emily asked and Livie sighed "I was confused about what to do and part of me wanted him to make that decision for me. He wouldn't though… he told me it was my decision and I know that it is but that doesn't mean that I don't want help making it. I mean after all it is a big decision to make. Which is why I am here… I want some advice…from two of the people that I trust more than anyone… I wanna know what you would do if you were in my position."
Both Emily and JJ looked at each other before they looked back at Livie.
"I think Reid is right Livie" JJ said "this is definitely a decision that you need to make yourself…"
"It's a great opportunity" Emily said "a fast track straight up the ladder to any position you want in the FBI"
"So tell us" JJ said "what is holding you back?"
Livie didn't answer for a few minutes. She just stared out the window at the life going by before she looked back at them.
"I want the job" she said softly "I want it so bad but I don't want to leave here. I love it here. I love all of you guys… you are like my family."
JJ and Emily both gave her a smile as she looked at them.
"And I am totally and irrevocably in love with Spencer" she said as a small smile slid over her face "I love him with all that I am and although I know it is foolish to pass up on a job opportunity like this for a love that might not last but I don't feel like it will end. I feel as though our love will last and I don't want to jeopardise that for a job."
She broke off and looked out the window before she looked back at them. "If I go I'll lose him" she said "it's not like we can really try a long distance" she said "we love each other but how will we ever find time to see each other with two jobs like the ones we have… it wouldn't work out."
She looked up at JJ and Emily who were both listening intently before she continued.
"But if I don't go" she said softly "I know that deep down, I'll end up regretting not going and maybe even resenting Reid for holding me back. Then our relationship will die anyway. I don't know if I can see a way out of this guys. I need to know if you two can see a third way."
JJ and Emily sat in silence for a few minutes looking at each other trying to figure out what to say. Eventually JJ reached out and took Livie's hand.
"Livie I am very glad I am not in your position and having to make your decision" she said gently "but it is one you need to make and you alone."
"I don't see that third option that you were asking for" Emily said "so it is going to have to be one of the two options that you already see."
Livie sighed "I was afraid you were going to say that" she mumbled staring at her mug of coffee for a few minutes.
JJ thought before she once again spoke "you are young Livie" she said "you need to remember that. And you need to remember that. Life isn't going to hang around and wait for you. You need to take the chances that come to you. But you need to choose the right path before it is too late. You need to seize the day."
Livie smiled "Carpe Diem" she said softly.
"Carpe Diem" Emily and JJ agreed.
Livie returned to staring out of the window before she looked back at Emily and JJ. "Thanks guys" she said and they grinned "any time" Emily said.
Slowly Livie looked at her watch "you guys actually fancy ordering some lunch" she asked and they both grinned and nodded before they picked up their menus.
They managed to avoid all talk of Boston as they ate talking about cases and the team and their families until JJ and Emily regretfully had to head back to work.
"Could you guys not say anything to the others just yet" Livie asked as she shrugged into her jacket "I kinda want some time to figure this out by myself."
"When do you have to decide by" JJ asked as they all headed out of the restaurant and walked slowly back towards the FBI headquarters.
"They gave me a week" Livie said "hopefully I'll have made a decision by then."
When they arrived in the car park Emily and JJ walked Livie back to her car where they hugged her before watching as she drove off obviously heading back home.
"Really glad I am not in her position" Emily said and JJ nodded "I don't envy her" she murmured before she sighed "come on" she said "we should get back before someone sends out a search party."
Grinning Emily followed her back into the building where they found Hotch in the break room getting coffee. When he saw them he instantly turned sombre "I take it she told you about Boston" he said making them both frown "um yeah how did you know" Emily asked and Hotch gave her a small smile.
"Boston called me about her" he said "did she tell you what she decided" he asked and they both shook their heads "she hasn't decided" JJ said "but she wanted our advice. Not that we gave her much… after all this is her decision not ours."
Hotch nodded "Reid is worried about it though" he said "but he knows that he can't ask her to stay for him. It would be selfish of him and he knows it."
JJ looked over to where Reid was sat staring into space clearly deep in thought.
She wanted to help him so she headed over and carefully sat on the edge of his desk causing him to look up uncertainly before he smiled when he saw that it was her.
She smiled at him before she softly said "I know about Boston" causing him to frown.
"How do you know" he asked and she ran her hand through her long blonde hair as Emily headed over and settled at her desk opposite Reid.
"Livie came in earlier and asked if she could talk with us" she explained and Reid looked at her in confusion.
"She wanted our advice" Emily continued "she was very torn as to what to do."
Reid ducked his head. "Has she made up her mind" he asked.
JJ shook her head "No we told her it was a decision to make on her own. We gave her advice but didn't tell her what to do."
Reid sighed "I don't think either of us know what to do" he said "I just want her to be happy but… I don't want to lose her."
JJ gave him a sympathetic look "things will work out Spence" she murmured "they always do."
Reid didn't look convinced so JJ thought before she decided to carefully tell him where he stood.
"Livie said that she was totally and irrevocably in love with you" she said and Reid looked up at her as she smiled at him. "She doesn't want to pass up on your love but she is terrified that if she stays only for you then she might start resenting you."
"That's what she's worried about" Reid said and both Emily and JJ nodded. "She doesn't want the relationship to die out in a bad way. She knows that you can't try long distance. It wouldn't work out. She is very confused."
"How can I help her" Reid asked desperately and JJ reached out to take his hand.
"I think you need to decide what is truly important to you" she said softly "Her… or her future."
Reid stared into her gentle eyes and realised she was right. Slowly he nodded and she smiled at him before she squeezed his hand and headed off to her desk as Emily did the same.
Reid struggled to focus over the rest of the afternoon and spent most of it staring straight ahead. Nobody bothered him. They all seemed to realised that he had an important decision to make."
Just as everyone was packing up to go home though he headed up to Hotch's office and the two of them spent a long time talking whilst curious everyone else hovered outside.
"What's going on" Garcia asked when she came out of her office all dressed ready to go home. "No clue baby girl" Morgan said from where he was sitting on the edge of Emily's desk. He looked over at JJ who was still diligently working. "Yo JJ" he called and she looked up at him. "You know what they are talking about" he asked.
JJ shook her head but Morgan narrowed his eyes at her "we are profilers JJ" he warned "I think by now we all know when you are lying."
"I thought we agreed not to profile each other" JJ defended but Morgan gave her a look. "What are they talking about" he asked and JJ sighed "it is not something I really have the right to tell you" she said "I am sure when they are ready they will tell you."
"Who is they" Garcia asked looking worried "is they Hotch and Reid or Reid and Livie… I don't understand what is going on."
JJ smiled "still not my place to say anything Penelope" she said gently.
Garcia pouted but looked up as Reid came out of Hotch's office and quickly descended the stairs to his desk and grabbed his bag "I'll see you tomorrow" he said quietly before he headed towards the exit.
"Hey pretty boy are you ok" Morgan asked and Reid looked over his shoulder at him. "Yeah" he said "why wouldn't I be."
Morgan frowned as he watched his friend "you just seem a bit distracted" he said slowly. "Got a lot on my mind" he said before he stepped out the doors and slipped into the elevator seconds before the doors closed leaving his friends standing in his wake wondering what he was doing…
XO
When Reid arrived home he found Livie standing in the kitchen. "Hey" she said grinning at him "glad you are here… I was hungry but really didn't fancy cooking so I ordered a Chinese."
Reid smiled at her as he shrugged out of his coat and placed his gun and badge in the drawer of the table by the door. He slowly paced his bag on the chair as he moved into the kitchen watching Livie as she moved around the kitchen. Her moves all flowing together as though this was a dance.
He watched her savouring the moment knowing that it wasn't going to last.
"Livie" he said quietly and she looked up and pushed a smile onto her face "hey just finishing serving up" she said smiling her sweet smile before noticing his serious face "Spence… what's wrong?" she asked.
He had opened his mouth to talk, but no words had come out. It was like a taboo was over those words he had in his mind, preventing him from saying them because deep down, he didn't want to say them.
"Hey" Livie said setting down the cutlery she was holding and moving over to him "hey what's wrong Spencer talk to me". Gently she had reached up to cup his cheeks staring into his eyes searching them for answers as she brushed his hair away from his ears. He stared at her feeling that falling sensation as he looked into his eyes, full of pain, death, determination and life. Life that needed to be lived.
"You need to take that job in Boston" he said in a rush and her eyes widened before she sighed "Spence I don't know yet… I still haven't made up my mind. I am still trying to decide if I want it or not".
"Yes you do" he said quickly "you know you do, I know you do because we both know that a chance like this only comes once in a lifetime. You need to take that job Livie so you can create a future for yourself".
She looked at him as though contemplating what he had said before she looked away "I don't know" she whispered "I don't know if that is the future I want. Maybe my future is here with you."
"Your career isn't" Reid said "you know that this is your chance at the big time. Maybe one day you will get to DC like you dreamed."
"Maybe that isn't my dream anymore" Livie said staring up at him "I have been thinking Spence and now I think that I want to stay here for a bit longer. Maybe I don't want the DC job anymore with a fancy office full of suits and bosses barking orders at me through the glass walls of their offices. Maybe I changed my mind."
"If you had completely changed your mind Livie you would have already declined that job" Reid said catching hold of her arms as she tried to pull away "What are you going to do here Livie? Tell me that."
She shrugged not looking at him "postgrad study or something I haven't decided yet."
"But that isn't what is best for you" Reid said thinking about what JJ had said earlier "which is why I am telling you to take that job… secure your future. Maybe one day when you are working in DC you'll get to work with your friends… just like you dreamed… just like you wanted."
He saw how torn she was in her eyes. Yes when they had first gotten together that had been her dream job, to work in DC with her friends, solving crimes together, just like their parents had. "It is what you wanted Livie" he said.
"Yes what I wanted" she almost snapped surprising him slightly "things change Spence, I changed, I don't know what I want yet ok so drop it".
She turned back to the kitchen and he could see that he was losing this battle and he was desperate not to. Not when he had decided what was best and didn't want to lose.
"Livie" he began before stopping as she whirled round to face him with her eyes burning with emotion.
"Why are you pushing this Spencer?" she exclaimed angrily "do you want me to leave is that it? Do you want me gone and to never see me again?"
"No" he gasped realising that was how it sounded "god no Livie I don't ever want to lose you, you mean so much to me."
"Then why are you pushing me to pack my bags" she demanded staring up at him and he stared at her before dropping his head "because I don't want you to stay just because of me" he mumbled "because I know you won't be truly happy and I want you to be happy"
There was silence for a couple of minutes during which Reid couldn't bring himself to look up. Then he sensed Livie come close and gently she reached up to touch his face before she kissed him gently on the lips before pulling away to look at him.
"Spencer I will be happy because I will be with you" she whispered pressing her forehead to his as he gently wrapped his arms around her holding her close as she leaned into his chest resting her head over his heart.
He held her for another minute savouring the feeling of her hair tickling his chin before he quickly said "take the job Livie."
He felt her shake her head into his chest and mumble "no" as one of her hands clenched into a fist around his shirt "no I don't want to leave you" she whispered as she clung to him.
"And I don't want to hold you back from what you can become" he whispered.
Slowly she looked up and he saw that her eyes were shining "take it Livie" he said firmly "if not for you then take it for me."
She stared at him conflicted, so many questions running though her head. "But what about us?" she asked and he looked away "whatever you want" he said "my feelings for you will never change Livie even if you take that job, you will always be in my heart. Maybe when you get to DC… we'll be able to make it work again. But I know what you said to JJ and I agree; long distance wouldn't work out."
Looking back he could see that she was torn again trying to make up her mind.
"Take it Livie" he said again "you'll regret it one day if you don't".
She looked up into his eyes "yet right now I am wondering if I'll regret taking it" she said softly.
"No you won't" he said "no regrets Livie. We both agreed that when we got together; no regrets, just memories to treasure… take the job Livie… you know it is what you want".
"What about you" she asked "what will you do?"
He blinked "I have to stay" he said "this is my job, this is what I do, I don't want to lose you but I know that if I really care about you then I have to do what is best for you."
Her face crumpled before a look of determination slipped over her "No" she said and Reid knew he was losing.
"Livie you have to take the job" he said and he paused playing with the words in his mind before he carefully spoke them bracing himself for her reaction as he did so. "You have to take it because I asked Hotch to sign off your transfer papers and send them to Boston."
Her eyes widened in disbelief "what" she gasped as a sort of anger began to burn in her wide eyes.
"It wasn't just me" he said looking away "Hotch agreed. I asked him to do it before I left and explained my reasoning. Although he was going to wait for your decision he decided to send the recommendation in anyway."
She stared at him her emotions torn between anger at what he had done and confusion about what she had to do.
"But I… I don't want to lose you" she whispered moving back towards him.
"And you won't" he said "I will always be there for you Livie I promise, whenever you need." She blinked a few times trying to decide what to do before she gave a weak smile and reached up to run her hand through his hair "what happened to that cute little dorky guy I met all those months ago" she whispered "he wouldn't have tried to send me away."
Reid ducked his head "he fell in love" he mumbled "and learned the hard way how to let what you love go".
Livie's smile faltered before she leaned against him and Reid wrapped his arms around her again holding her tight savouring the moment knowing it soon would end.
"I don't know Spence" Livie whispered "I am so happy here and I love you and everything we have built. The idea or leaving it all behind terrifies me. I mean I don't feel like myself when I am not with you."
"You'll figure it out" Reid said gently "You always do. It is one of the things I love about you; how you never let anything stop you."
Livie sighed and rested her head against his shoulder and they stood there together not knowing what to say or do.
Eventually Livie looked up at him and Reid saw that she had realised what she needed to do. Slowly she reached for her phone and dialled a number and stood quietly as she waited for whoever it was she had called to pick up the phone.
"Hi Captain Harding" she said quietly "yes this is Olivia Beckett… yeah I'm calling about the job…"
She hesitated and looked at Reid who nodded encouragingly to her and she ducked her head "yeah I'll take the job" she said and managed a small smile as she listened to him on the other end.
"Starting in two weeks sounds perfect" she said "thank you again Captain… see you in two weeks."
Slowly she hung up the phone and dropped it on the counter before she flung her arms around Reid and he instantly wrapped her back up in his arms holding her tightly.
"This is really happening isn't it" Livie murmured and Reid nodded not moving from where he had his head resting against hers breathing in the sweet cherry smell of her hair.
"It's happening" he whispered "and it is going to be ok"
"You don't know that" Livie mumbled slowly looking up at him and he smiled down at her "yes I do" he said "because looking at the evidence I can see that you succeed at everything you do… why would this time be any different."
Livie smiled before her eyes turned sad. "Two weeks" she murmured "that is all we have left."
"And we will make the most of them" Reid said trying to ignore the clench in his stomach "I promise we'll be ok. No regrets Livie. We'll be ok."
Together they stood there savouring the moments that slipped by desperate to remember them when their time finally ran out.
"We do not remember days, we remember moments." Cesare Pavese
Thank you all for reading. It means a lot.
As you can probably guess this story is coming to an end. Any suggestions are welcome though
SPOILER ALERT: A Potential sequel is in the runnings and after it I plan to get Livie and Reid back together. I always plan to give them a happy ending. I just want Livie to experience character growth and make a future for herself. I am all for those women who don't allow a man to hold her back. Difficult with Livie looking at her relationship. I don't want them to fight :P
Anyway please review. I really to love hearing what you think as I am honoured that you have taken the time to Reid my little fic.
Thanks, Mysticgirl