Eyes that see into Infinity
Chapter Thirty Five
Part Three
/
The Last Lost Day, India
Hephaistion sat there, glum and reticent, picking at the ground with a stick he had found at his foot. Ptolemy stood next to him after finding their horses and bringing them back prepping them for another ride home.
"Hephaistion?" He spoke with a careful tone. The general hadn't said a word or moved from the spot away from the king's side he couldn't stomach to look at anymore. "Please, say something, anything, even if it's cursing the world for what it has stolen from you."
"He was mine, Ptolemy. How do I move on from the rule he held over me?"
"You were integrated into his strategic mind, built perfectly into his life map. It's going to take some time."
"He was sickly and ruthless and impatient and mean and violent, but he was mine. And he was more. He was all I had. He was all I ever loved."
"Good days are not over for us." Ptolemy uttered believably. "It's been hours. I need you alert and alive, Hephaistion. I need you to go home with us. Alexander deserves a proper burial and you need to be there. He'd want it no other way."
Blue angered eyes peered at the proud sun. "How dare Helios shine upon this repulsive soil on this dreadful fucking day? Tell me, Ptolemy, did he deserve it? To go out the way he did?"
"Alexander always demanded a glorious death in battle. It wasn't that way, so we suffer now, at the tragedy of its happening. His presence still roams and if it's his will, rest assured, the king will even the score. You have to believe that."
"They didn't let him put up a fight. They threw away his body like his prodigy never meant anything. And I fought, suffered and survived for what? I saw us, happy again and we felt like we were as kids."
"You will feel that way again."
"We thought him a good for nothing king, an adolescent who stole his dad's throne, negligent, who allowed tired and evil men to represent him. Am I evil for mourning this tyrant?"
Ptolemy knew grief was trickling into his mind, twisting and spiraling any sense that was left in him. "Hephaistion, you mustn't ask. Your mind isn't right. You'll only indulge in qualm and self doubt if you think another way."
"I welcome it." The general hissed in grievance.
Ptolemy now looked up at the sun shining brighter than they've seen it. Now that Alexander was dead, the sun had shown itself and the rain and winds were away. The death of Alexander could have meant many different omens. The bright star blistering may have been praise of his death or praise of his life now as a new god.
Ptolemy covered the king with a large enough cloth to wrap his body and Hephaistion continued to sit there pale, shivery and sad. Then his eyes closed in prayer.
Phai stood and zipped up his jeans. Alex handed him his shirt and watched him get dressed.
"Are you alright?" The blonde asked cutely.
Phai grinned. "I should be asking you that question."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Alex cleared his throat nervously but boldly.
Blue eyes turned to him after pulling down the shirt that hugged him loosely. "I do but I'm afraid of what will be said."
"I wanted it. I wanted you. I still do and I don't know how to do this without destroying us." It was innocently spoken and Phai couldn't help but sigh. Having Alex was just too good to be true and he wasn't ready for the disappointment or heartbreak.
"I did, too. I do, still. But it will complicate things if you're feeling the same way as before."
"I slept, Phai."
"It wasn't long, Alex." The brunette said, sadly. "I know it felt good, but it wasn't long. Not long enough."
"But I did."
"And look what happened after." Phai didn't mean to sound doubtful.
Alex groaned in frustration. "Life wants me dead two ways. I'm either fucking drowning with my eyes open or dead when I'm asleep. What is the lesson here?"
"You're living through it. That's the lesson."
"I can feel how dead I am, Phai. I can taste it. I feel ice cold. I saw myself dead in the middle of fucking Asia and you sat there with the most visible tears I have ever seen. I don't know what to do about it but I sure know what the fuck I feel. "
Phai stood before him and ran gentle fingers through the blonde mane knowing it was one way to calm him instantly. "You fucked me last night and you were more alive than you've ever been. I felt how alive you were. And if you are as dead as you think you are, then where is your halo? Why are you so warm right now? Why can I hear your heart?" He then kissed Alex lovingly on the cheek. "I know. I know how bad this sucks. Just think about it first. Don't let that be a reason to rush a good feeling." After soothing the blonde down a bit he grabbed Alex's white shirt and gave it to him. "Maybe if and when you sleep again and the pain stops, we can keep this going. I liked it and I want more but I need you to be sure about you. I need you to love yourself as much as you love me."
"That's a challenge I never had before."
Phai noticed the blonde had doubts about it. "It'll grow on you. I promise. I'm not trying to make this hard on you. I will always be here when you're ready. I will never shut you out. I will never hate you for any choice you think is best for you."
Alex nodded faintly, got dressed and Phai made sure he followed him out.
They walked back through the flowery meadow to their homes holding hands like new lovers but they were quiet and to themselves. They'd always be lovers, even if they weren't.
When they arrived from the open field, onto the sidewalk that led them on different paths once again, the blue eyed man kissed the blonde one more time on the mouth before heading back into his home.
He walked in, sat down in the dark at the kitchen table and laid his head down.
It was eight in the morning and Amyntor was up early to check the mail from the day before. He left the house and Phillip just happened to be checking his mail at the same time and he knew he was going to have to deal with him. He couldn't just turn around and go back inside. He was already out and in the open. It would have been obvious and that would have been rude. But it sure did seem like fate was making sure Phillip was always there.
When Phillip got up to the mailbox he looked over at Amyntor. He didn't say anything but began flipping through the stack of envelopes.
"This is your mail." Amyntor said, mentally scoffing.
"Yea. Looks like the mailman fucked up." Phillip responded, noticing it as well. Then he walked over to him and they switched stacks. "First time for everything." He joked.
"So when's the wife heading back?" Amyntor asked, trying to be friendly. Phillip deserved some act of kindness after what happened yesterday.
"Tomorrow." Phillip said. He didn't seem sad about it.
"Are you driving her crazy already?"
"The other way around, actually."
"That makes more sense." Amyntor didn't mean it to be insulting but then again he did. "Anyway, thanks for yesterday. Should have thanked you earlier but…"
"You don't like me. I know. Most people don't and I prefer it that way."
Amyntor smirked. "I didn't say that."
Phillip smiled pleasantly. "You didn't have to. But it was my pleasure." That was the most he looked like his son. When he was pleasant.
Amyntor cleared his throat." My wife is making your family some cookies as a 'thank you' gift. I'll bring it by later tonight?"
Phillip smiled with a nod. "That's kind of her."
"She insisted."
They dealt with another few seconds of awkward silence before something else came up. "You are aware our boys hung out last night?"
Amnytor nodded. "They always do. I'm glad they're staying busy."
"Yea, I'm glad Alex finally found something to do other than sulk."
"You really think that's what he does all day?" Amyntor frowned.
"I know so." Phillip winked.
"And what do you do all day?"
"I drink."
"That sounds like the life, Phillip."
"Yea, it's pretty much a toned down version of me."
"You used to be worse?"
"Can't you tell? Life of the party. Was always surrounded by so much drunken clarity."
Amyntor chuckled. "Drunken clarity? That's new. There's also no such thing."
"I disagree. You see, I have experience."
"I'll argue with you about it later." The taller man grinned.
"Tonight?" Phillip grinned back.
"Goodbye, Phillip." Then Amyntor headed back inside. That was the most cordial conversation he has ever had with that man but then again, Phillip seemed different. He wasn't so…angry.
Amyntor looked at his son sleeping at the kitchen table and he wondered how he didn't see him when he left the front door.
Then his wife came downstairs, pecking her husband on the cheek. "Should we wake him or would that be cruel?" she asked lightheartedly.
"Let's be cruel." Amyntor said, then dropped the mail on the table by Phai's drooling face bombarding him right away with questions.
"Where were you all night? And why is your hair a mess? What attacked you?"
The boy leaned up growling in annoyance and glaring at both parents.
"You know how dangerous it is to sleep outside in that broken down shed you hang out in? There are animals out there." His mom asserted.
The only danger and animal last night was Alex but Phai couldn't let that be the thing that left his mouth. "I didn't sleep out there, I hung out there and then came home and slept right here." He alleged back.
"It doesn't look like you got much sleep at all, honey. You should go to your bed."
"Yep, I'll do that." He said listening to her. He collectively gathered himself and began to drag himself up the stairs. Then he was stopped by his dad.
"Your mom and Callista are going shopping. I'm going to run some errands. Wanna come?"
Phai thought about it. Sleep sounded so good right now but his dad was getting bored at home. "Can I shower first? Twenty minutes?"
"We'll get breakfast on the way. We can stop by, Tolem's shop."
"Sure." Phai agreed.
"Cool."
Then he wondered why his dad was being so friendly.
Olympias came downstairs dragging all of her luggage.
Phillip looked at her with coffee in one hand and a piece of toast in his mouth. "Need a hand." He mumbled.
"No. I am capable Phillip."
"Just asking." He shrugged. "I made some breakfast. It was for Alex but he's not home. You can have it."
After getting to the bottom of the stairs she glared at her ex-husband. "What's wrong with you this morning?"
"What do you mean?" He sipped from the mug.
"You're different. Keep it up."
Compliments from her never meant anything so he didn't acknowledge it with any kind of reaction. "Why are you getting ready now?"
"I booked an earlier flight." Olympias faked the merriment behind her tone.
"You had dinner plans with Alex, tomorrow." Phillip reminded skeptically. "Did you forget?"
"I have no choice. I leave later tonight. My dad isn't getting the care he needs right now. The caregiver I hired isn't good enough. Pretty, but worthless." The lady wearing a black and white striped pencil dress, insulted. She dressed nicely, no matter what the day was.
Olympias walked by Phillip in her black heels and snatched a piece of the burnt toast from what was going to be Alex's plate. She didn't care how black it was and began chewing down on it. Phillip watched her stress eat and then handed her the glass of orange juice he also poured for Alex who wasn't there. She took it and chugged it. Then she slammed the glass on the counter, wiped her mouth and glared at Phillip who was staring with bright intimidating eyes. It's been awhile since her husband was able to intimidate her.
"What?" Olympias hissed insecurely.
"Fuck your dad." Phillip blatantly said.
"Fuck you!" she gasped at the audacity.
Her husband only grinned. "That would be nice. One last time before you hit the road?"
"You've always been a lot of work."
"Yea, well, you married me."
Then she sighed regretfully and leaned back against the counter folding her arms. "I'm sorry. I'm just going through so much right now."
"You used to be able to talk to me even when we were going through our shit. What's changed?"
"Alex doesn't need me in his life anymore. That's what changed."
"You're thinking to hard about it, lady."
"He shouldn't make me question it. I shouldn't have to think this hard about whether or not my child still loves me or not. I was going to call him but he's always busy hanging out with his lowlife friends or off somewhere he doesn't even know. He's never home because he doesn't want to be, I assume, which makes me think, it's because of me."
"He's never home when I'm home. In fact he's never home even when I'm not home. It has nothing to do with us."
Olympias ignored that justification completely. "I don't even know why he has a phone. He never fucking answers it." Then she started to tear up out of the blue and Phillip quickly comforted her by hugging her warmly even if she didn't want to hug him back. "I can't believe I'm crying in front of you again."
"It feels good, doesn't it?" He rubbed the back of her head tenderly, his thick rings massaging her head as he did so, and then faced her. The one thing she couldn't resist about her ex husband was the instant and natural charm he oozed. His sex appeal never left, no matter the offensive character trait he'd choose to express to keep his guard up.
"Don't ruin this, Phillip." she said sniffling and wiping tears away, skillfully not ruining any makeup.
"I'm not ruining anything." He whispered closer to her lips. He touched them and she gave in and they kissed for a short seven seconds and it was the first time in a long time but she quickly pushed him and backed away. Phillip scoffed and went back to his position against the counter. "You want it so badly."
"How dare you take advantage of me when I'm feeling down. You haven't changed."
"Your pride is worst than mine."
Then he watched her leave disgusted at him. But he smiled because he still got what he wanted. A last kiss from his last wife. Even though it was short-lived.
Phai headed upstairs, showered, changed and met his father out front who was waiting in the car.
He hopped in, buckled up and intensely frowned when he saw his dad glaring at him.
Phai squinted back. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Why do you think I'm looking at you like this?"
"Are you mad at me about something?"
"Who did you spend the night with?"
"Alex was there but it was just a late hangout."
"Was there touching?"
"No, dad." Phai lied and it was obvious. The way anyone could tell a lie from Phai is if he wasn't looking at you.
"You fucking liar." Amyntor turned off the car. And it was his son. They had the same way of lying.
Phai huffed. "Then why did you ask?"
"How did it happen?" He didn't sound reprimanding but he looked it.
"I'm just as surprised as you are." Phai thought he'd try being a smartass. But really, how it happened, there was no explanation.
"Phai, I told you to be careful." He strictly said.
"I was being careful. I came home, didn't I?"
"You're completely missing the point."
"Did you lure me to go with you so that you can interrogate me? It sounded too good to be true. We never go out to eat breakfast together. How did I fall for that?"
His dad could have laughed at his son being extra dramatic. "Phai? No secrets between us, right?"
"Most parents would just rather not know. Why do you want to know so much? Why can't you be that parent?"
"Are you really asking me why? You are my child. You told me you two weren't together anymore."
"We weren't and then we were and then we're still not. I don't know. We just made out."
"I'm not stupid. You have that same messy sex look your mother has."
"Oh, God. I don't want to talk about it. And where are you taking me? I feel like you're taking me somewhere that's going to make me hate you. Is it church? Boot camp? I can't do boot camp. I'm not disciplined enough."
"Phai, calm down. You're too old for me to ship you to boot camp. We're running errands. That's it."
"I can't imagine what Alex's parents are attacking him about." The glowering teen crossed his arms.
"I'm not attacking you, Phai."
"I know. I'm sorry." Phai rubbed his face in frustration from his own humiliation. "I'm not used to discussions like this with you yet. You're trying to make it easier for me and I'm making it difficult."
"I would never want you to feel out of place or uncomfortable around me or around anyone."
Then they both turned their heads when they saw Phillip in his driveway talking on the phone to someone. He always looked so well dressed but a mess at the same time. He would never button his work jackets and his button ups were always un-tucked. Then there was the hair. Always ran back and always wild.
Phai grinned. "You don't trust Alex's dad yet which is why you don't trust Alex. Makes sense. I mean, look at him, he looks like an old school porn star. Or a James Bond villain."
Amnytor quickly looked at Phai. "It has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you not being responsible."
"Dad, you know when I'm lying, and I know when you are. It has everything to do with Phillip. You never liked him even before he presented himself as a jackass." Phai then thought about it. He didn't like Alex either at first. "You can't have your suspicion forever. Maybe you need to talk to him. Like talk, talk. Not that passing by bullshit you always find yourself in. Maybe sit down and talk to him. He's not bad. He's not evil. He's just ill mannered. You need a friend. He needs a friend. Find out what you have in common with the man. It will make any acceptance easier."
"Did you even use protection?" Amyntor wasn't about to be lectured by his own son.
Phai didn't answer and Amyntor shook his head. "I can't believe you, Phai."
Phai leaned back against the seat. "I'm too tired to explain myself. Nothing I say is going to make you understand why I didn't."
"There is never an excuse not to."
"With him, I don't feel like its necessary."
"You involved his father with classic porn. It's always necessary. It doesn't matter who it's with."
"You're right. I will be careful next time."
Amnytor patted Phai on the head. "Good boy." Then he started back up the car and finally drove away from the neighborhood.
Tolem was serving a customer. Cassy was next in line and Tolem thought about not serving him.
"You busy?" The green eyed boy asked.
"I'm working, clearly."
Cassy had that look anyone couldn't forgive but would give in to. It was ruthless but fair. "Okay. Guess you don't want an apology for yesterday?"
"Not worth it." Tolem deeply scoffed.
"Fine." The green eyed boy turned away but Tolem felt the instant guilt. It was his greatest weakness. Listening and helping out. Even for those who didn't deserve to be heard or helped.
"Okay. Apologize." Tolem hung up his apron and walked over to the corner of the counter while another employee took over.
Cassy followed him and spoke. "I didn't mean to take out my frustration on you yesterday. I guess I went a little overboard."
"I know, you don't have to tell me. I know where your frustration comes from. Alex, right?"
"Not everything is about him."
"Actually, it is. You make it about him. Don't drag me into this. I will accept your apology but that's it. You're only here to fish for some information. I get it, you hate him and you love Phai."
"I don't hate him. I just don't like him. And I definitely don't love, Phai. But I do…like him." It was almost too hard to say.
Tolem rolled his eyes sarcastically. "That makes sense."
"I just want to know why." Green eyes paused.
"You want to know why Phai continues to chose him over you?" Tolem finished.
He glared, mad that the curled haired boy said it out loud. But by the smirk on the curled haired teens face, he meant to.
"I'll tell you. Phai wants to be loved. And he wants to be loved by someone who can give it and make him feel something. You won't be able to give him that. It won't matter how hard you try and it has nothing to do with you. It isn't personal. Anyone who tries will fail. No one but Alex is good enough. Even though you want to know what love is about, you don't know how to give it and therefore it means nothing. Phai has a right to be fussy about who enters his life romantically and sexually. Everybody should be. He should give up his body to the one who owns it, not the one who wants it. Alex came along and he owned the hell out of it. Instead of being mad about it, you should be happy for them. Alex deserves to be happy and Phai deserves to be loved. It's that simple. They shouldn't have to take shit from any of us. Just because you're miserable and unwanted doesn't mean you can take something good away from Alex. That's your problem right there." Tolem pointed out. "You can never belong to him because your spotlight is on yourself."
"I'm wanted Tolem. Trust me."
"But you're not wanted by the person you want to want you."
Then they saw Phai and his dad walk in, right as their conversation was about to end.
"There he is. Maybe go up to him and try being nice for once." Then Tolem left Cassy to think on that and went to greet Phai.
'The Last Lost Day, India
The king sat across from Hephaistion, leaned forward and kissed the general on the nose. The mourning general opened his eyes slowly, awakened by the silent lovable touch. His eyes were watery and clear and though the vision of his king should have had him feel something, he was too angered and disheartened.
"You look unwell, my love. You must take care of yourself."
"Why did you have to die?" Hephaistion asked in resentment.
Alexander chuckled with a meekly grin. "What tells you that I'm dead?"
Hephaistion nodded over to his dead body. "That tells me. Then you appear like a stalking ghost. You've been dead. You've been dead before you were stolen from me. I didn't want to believe it when I started to see you roam around in places you shouldn't have been. And you're cold right now. I can't go any further with hope. My heart won't allow it."
The king shook the blonde waves on his head. "Hephaistion, I can't believe you would think just because a body is cold and motionless that it is dead. Have I proved to you nothing? Have you not witnessed my wonder?"
The sad eyed general didn't look up to believing anymore. "When a heart stops, the body cools and as far as I can see, you are dead. Don't trick my mind. It's not fair to want me to think you're alive when you're not. Admit it to yourself; you can't live through all things. You're not all-living or all-knowing. You're just another dead man. Another king, spent." Then he grew furious. "Do you hear me? You're not immortal. You're not a god. You can die, anytime life desires."
"Not here. Not like this." The king had a warm and charming flare in his eyes compared to the ones opposite of him.
"I don't know what you expect me to think. Look at you! If you're not dead, then wake up!" The frustrated general jeered. "And spare me this fucking nightmare!"
"I'm not ready."
"You speak and conduct yourself like you have an entire life to live. But look at you. Look how dead you are. Men like us don't live that long. We die in battle, die from wounds we don't know how to heal, poisoned unlawfully, executed for treason, and from illnesses that hit us suddenly."
"And sometimes we die from broken hearts." Alexander connected.
"People don't have hearts in this world. No one dies from a broken heart." The general spouted in strong hate.
"I do. I die from a shattered one. That is my punishment for treating you so badly. I need this recess because I need to be punished for my wrongs. It's the only way I can heal us."
"You're forgiven. I forgive you. Now wake up!"
"You don't get it."
"I do. It's you that does not. What wrong have you done me? What is this punishment that you're giving to yourself? I was never hurt by you. When you laid hands on me in a drunken and toxic mind, I laid hands on you right back. When you told me that I was nothing without you, I repeated those exact words back. When you mated with others, I didn't and never thought to, because I knew what that meant for you. They could never comfort you and you knew that but you tried because you were afraid to face me. In case I ever left you, you needed reassurance that there was something else. The only thing you should be punished for is how much you hate yourself. Forgive yourself. Don't ask me that of which I can not do. I'm not going to forgive anything you've done because I already have."
"Your heart has always been immense and your loyalty superior. That's why I love you. I haven't forgiven myself. When my blood is no longer black and runs red like it should, I will awake for you. I promise."
"And if I am dead before you arise?"
Alexander laughed. "Impossible. Do you want to know a secret, my love? Miracles are real. Many things beyond our comprehension happen. Men, when alive, can be dead. Why can't men, when dead, be alive?"
"Because it doesn't make sense."
"It does, Hephaistion."
"I'm done with your idealistic psyche."
"You used to be able to trust my every word. I need you to trust me when I say that I am alive and I will come back for you." The proclamation felt true but the general couldn't be sure.
"What do I do now?" Hephaistion looked down at the muddy ground he had mindlessly shaped a letter A in.
"Do you trust me?"
The general didn't answer.
"Do you trust me?" The king rubbed dry dirt from his lovers chin.
Hephaistion finally answered and he looked right at him. "Yes."
"Close your eyes."
"Why?"
"Close them and you'll see."
Hephaistion sighed and closed his eyes.
"Now open them, my love, and see my inferno. A bad omen to those who took me. A good one for you."
He did and blue eyes were enlightened. The king was gone and the tree before him was on fire. It lit up the olive and nourished foliage and he watched as the new flames engrossed the green land killing the life in its path.
Hephaistion smiled at the new hope and eyes glared at the vengeance. The gods finally spoke and they were furious but not as furious as the one the land had robbed everything from.
It was a little after nine pm and Phillip was the only one home. Alex took his mom out for a last dinner together before dropping her off at the airport.
He opened the door for Amyntor who had the basket of cookies in his hand he had promised earlier.
"Surprise!" Amyntor faked enthusiasm.
"That's a lot of cookies."
"Yea, she over did it, but looks like it can serve as breakfast, lunch and dinner. All you two eat is junk anyway."
Phillip took the decked out basket of goodies. "Wanna come in for a little bit? The wife is gone and I'm sure yours is, too. I could use the company."
"Yea, why not. Phai can watch Callista." Amyntor entered the house. Phillip looked a little groggy but he had been drinking. Then Amyntor saw an empty pill container on the counter and he picked it up and read the information along the bottle. "Phillip, you didn't take more than you should have, right?"
Phillip looked at him surprised he even cared. "I don't count anymore."
"You should." Amyntor put the bottle back down. "My wife worries about you."
"I'm surprised."
"Don't be, she sees your kind all the time, some she can save, most, she can't."
"You scored good with her. I don't think she told you about my first encounter with her, when Alex almost drowned. I was such a dick to her and all she did was take care of Alex better than I did."
"Yea, she had mentioned that."
Then Phillip handed Amyntor a beer and they sat down on couches across from each other.
Phillip took a sip, watching Amyntor closely. He looked like a grown version of his son. And they always wore similar clothes. Basic jeans and solid colored V-necks. But Amyntor wore watches while Phai wore male jewelry like bracelets and necklaces. "I heard you had bonding day with your son. How did that go?"
Amyntor smiled. "Weird for him then it got better."
"Alex has been out with his mother all day. Can't imagine how that's going. He's so frightened of her." Then he noticed Amyntor shy away form saying anything. "What's on your mind?"
Amyntor knew that question was going to come up and instead of turning it down, he engaged him. "What's on yours?"
"You don't want to know." Phillip shook his head.
"Is it bad?" Amyntor asked curiously.
"All my thoughts are bad. Or wrong. They don't matter."
"You don't think I can handle a couple of bad thoughts?" The taller man challenged leaning forward, placing his beer on the table in front of him, more interested in the answer than the drink.
"I don't think anyone one of us needs to be uncomfortable right now." Phillip countered honestly.
"We don't know each other, Phillip. Things are already uncomfortable."
"You know plenty about it, I'm sure."
"I want to know more. Are you going to tell me or are we going to just sit here in silence and drink cheap beer? You invited me in but that doesn't mean you get to pick my brain. I'm the guest. I pick yours."
Phillip just scoffed and continued to drink away.
"Alex is so much like you. Very enclosed to the things and feelings that should be said or expressed." The gentler man drank from the bottle while staring at the disturbed man.
"Alex is a tortured soul. More tortured than I am. He was born that way. I was made."
"Phai should be worried?"
"Phai has everything to fear with Alex."
"I think they just need to stabilize. Phai is good for Alex. I can tell you that much." Amyntor answered maturely and generously.
"Phai is too good to be put on a roller coaster ride with Alex. It's the reason for the instability. Alex has some shit going on, he needs to figure out. He's in the wrong mind all the time. He's a brute. A sadistic, self-absorbed child. Weak minded toward everything he's not supposed to be."
Amyntor peered at Phillip, astonished by the way he felt about his own child. "You can't really think that of your own son?"
"I don't want to but it's what I am. It's what he'll become. It's what he is supposed to be."
"Can I tell you why I disagree?" Amnytor shifted forward. "I think Alex is stuck in a world and he is drowning from the pressure. And he needs somebody to pull him out or else he will become all those things you think of him. Everyone needs saving. We all have potential to be bad."
"I don't think saving Alex from drowning is going to save him from being what he's meant to be. That boy is something more. He's something else, not meant for this world. He's from a different time. I see it and it troubles me that no one else can. Being the parent of a kid so special isn't a great feeling. Give it a few years. He'll be barbaric and selfish like me and evil and cruel like his mother. You may think Alex is sinking and needs saving but I think Alex is drowning himself."
Amnytor looked distraught at the perspective. "Are you drowning?"
"In booze and narcotics. I guess so, yea." Phillip answered hastily.
"Are you drowning in other ways?"
"You mean like in my sorrows? Then yes. I am. Because that's the only way I know how to be. Don't we all drown in our own self pity?"
"It's human."
"Exactly."
"Were your parents good to you?"
Phillip calmly scoffed. "Isn't it obvious what type of people they were?"
"I want to hear it from you. I want you to talk."
"They were abusive and neglectful and heartless."
"And your wife? What about her parents?"
"The same. It's why we were drawn together. It's why we fell in love. We were the same person in different bodies. But we couldn't be more opposite."
Amyntor nodded. He just wanted to understand him and suddenly what should have been a manly back and forth, turned into a therapy session. "What would cure you right now, if you could just take it?"
Phillip glared at him. "What are you doing?"
"I'm trying to get to know you. Answer the question, please." His eyes were firm but voice gentle. He could tell Phillip was trying to keep a guard up but he took too many pills and drank too many beers. His guard would go down all the way and Amyntor counted on it. The only way to get Phillip to talk more about sensitive topics was to play a game of psychological warfare and he was great at it.
"A life before I cheated. Before I laid hands on her. Before I heavily drank. Maybe honest communication. Loving Alex a lot more…I love him, I do I just don't have the best ways of exerting it."
Amyntor was quiet now and halfway through his beer and Phillip was already on his third. There was no keeping up with this family, Amyntor thought. They were so ahead of everyone all the time.
"What?" Phillip asked when the taller man said nothing, feeling judged already.
"Nothing."
"Open communication, Amyntor. I've been drinking. I can answer anything you throw at me."
"Okay. And I'm only asking this because I'm truly curious. Have you fooled around with a man before?" He thought maybe understanding Phillip would help him understand Alex.
"Yep." The answer came easily and there was no shame behind it. He leaned back against the couch cushion proudly.
"Did you like it?"
"You know, hearing another man moan under you is more empowering than you think. And you?"
"I have not. I did have a father who sexually abused me and a mother who overlooked it and overdosed on anti depressants, oxy and alcohol, which is why I didn't like you in the first place. You remind me of her. Not the way she was, but the dumb shit she did." That was also honest and Phillip gave cheers to that.
"I can't say that I blame you."
"I used to have a hard time letting things go."
"You still do." Phillip stated boldly. "You can see it in your face, everything you ever felt up until now. Because no one can let that go. I used to fuck girls because of the pleasure and just that. They feel a different way. When I fucked boys, it made me feel superior and in control. Manlier. My father told me, if you can get a man on his knees before you, then you could get anyone on theirs. And I tried it and he was right. I felt disgusted, sick at heart and been tormented ever since. But it was good. It felt good."
"What happened?" The conversation was taking a dark turn but Amyntor was interested. The only reason why he was over in the first place was because Phai told him to go make friends.
"My father, in a drunken rage, strangled the boy because the control was turning into pleasure. He killed him because I was enjoying it. I'm afraid for Phai because Alex isn't that much different than me and I'm not much different than my father."
"You wouldn't strangle Phai because Alex enjoyed him. If that was the case, you'd be dead by now because Alex enjoys him…a lot."
Phillip openly smiled as the bottle stopped at his lips. "Why are you still so uncomfortable knowing our boys fuck?"
Amyntor frowned leaning back in a more relaxing position. "I'm not uncomfortable with it."
"It comes from love. Not pleasure."
"I remember a recent time when you tried to dispute it."
"I'm over it. They can do whatever they want. They shouldn't be ashamed. Nothing good can come from being shameful. I have no shame in what makes me, me. That's one thing in Alex that I don't see in myself. He always so full of fucking evil shame."
"I'm not judging you, Phillip, but I don't think Alex is evil. I've seen and fought evil. Alex isn't that."
"I know, I just…don't want to be the only evil one in this family, you know? My wife swears the devil sent me to her as karma. Olympias doesn't think any evil is alive in her and claims that Alex is a god, an angel and a king. That leaves me the only devil in this fucked up family. I don't even talk to my other children or my other ex partners. They thought the same thing after I stopped coming around but they were born from one night stands."
"Didn't realize you had other kids."
"Yea. Alex has two half brothers, three half sisters and one actual sister, Cleo. Cleo died when my wife was giving birth. The baby didn't stand a chance. Not after Alex was born. It was like Olympias was pleased enough with Alex and just gave up on the second one. Or she didn't want to have another child with the same man. Euro and Caran were from the same women long before I married Olympias. I fucked that woman on two occasions and both times she ended up pregnant. Caran died early supposedly. I think she just made him up so that I would feel sorry for her but in my opinion it was one less kid I had to care about. Then there was Thessa. Her mother died giving birth but I was already out of the picture so I didn't have to deal with that. Her husband, who she didn't tell me about, had to, but he didn't mind. He was glad his cheating wife died and glad he had a daughter he could love even though it was mine. We're not close but sometimes he let's her call me. As long as I didn't come around he was fine with our connection. My very first born, I named after myself. Phillip was born from a lady I didn't even like. He had a disability. Mentally challenged and that was probably the first sign of how terrible I was. Euri, the lady I'm seeing now, the one Alex knows about, was pregnant and she didn't want her ex to know because of feelings she probably still has for him, so she caused herself a miscarriage. Yesterday, she told me if she did have the baby and if it was a girl, she was going to name her, Cyn."
"Christ, Phillip. Condoms and birth control exist for a fucking reason."
"I had a different mindset then. I was young and praised and I fucked the entire world. Fucked women who I didn't love and walked away from children I didn't care for. Then Olympias came and she was all I ever wanted. The only one I loved and that's the reason why Alex is the only kid left in my life. He got lucky. Or unlucky."
"Does he know about his other siblings?"
"Yea, but he didn't care. They're just a story to him. He wanted nothing to do with any of the women before or after his mom, including their children. And we didn't help by working as much as we did, leaving him in an empty house to provide for himself. He could have used a brother or sister. He wasn't bitter about that, but he was bitter about seeing me cheat on his mother and had a hard time opening up to me because he's such a mommy's boy."
"Phai also has a hard time opening up. He doesn't think I know things, when I do. I absolutely do. I'm his dad. But I can't bring it up to him because I know how badly he doesn't want me or anyone to know. I'm sure Alex was going through something similar."
"What could your son possibly be hiding?"
"Things he thinks he can just shrug off."
"It could only be one thing. With a face like his, molestation." Phillip said honestly.
Amyntor couldn't hate Phillip for saying it. He was right.
"When Phai was ten, his swimming coach sat us both down during one of the conferences and accused my son of trying to touch him inappropriately. He tried to play it off like it was no big deal and that it must have been innocent curiosity. Then he had the nerve to ask me if I behaved sexually in front of him or touched my own son. I wanted to kill him so bad because I knew what he was doing. I wasn't stupid. Kids don't go around touching adult men. Adult men go around touching little kids. He wasn't the fucking victim. Phai was. I don't know what he did to Phai or what threat he made to him but Phai just sat there and apologized. He was genuinely apologetic and in tears. My fucking son apologized to a fucking child molester knowing he did nothing wrong. He had no clue what any of it meant. His mom wanted to fight it, so we did. He lost his job, lost everything actually. We still took Phai out of that school. I don't think he remembers."
"He remembers. Trust me. He's smart and knows ways to express himself, almost poetically to the point the one reading him forgets what he knows all to well. He'll eventually come to you about everything. He knows he has to. It's just about finding the right time. That's every kid, right?"
"The right time should be right when it happens. I can't fight for him if he doesn't tell me everything. I can't bust in every school he goes to accusing more fucked up coaches and horny boys. I'll seem paranoid and crazy because of the one time."
"You're his father. Crazy and paranoia comes with the package. You need it to live, not comfortably, but live nonetheless and that's to make sure our kids are safe."
"He tells Alex everything. I would ask him but I don't want to violate Phai's trust."
"Alex doesn't know." Phillip said finishing the last of the alcohol in the bottle. "Trust me. He would have done something. He's a stickler for justice. He'd find those who bullied and touched your son and make them eat their own shit. He's so in love with Phai and it's why he shouldn't find out about it. That feeling that would shadow him if he knew Phai was touched by others who were not him, he'd be livid. Look at the way he acts when Phai is around. That is the look of someone who is afraid to lose. That is the look of joyful fury. He pretends that he is alright with the detachment. Most days he wakes up and puts on a face that isn't him but when he is with your son, all I see is him. If he can't do something about the way Phai really feels deep within, it will eat away at him. He's possessive, not like his mother is of him but he can be. Things must always go his way, even if it means it kills him. Hate it or love it, he's getting his way. Phai knows it too which is why Alex doesn't know and should never know."
Amyntor nodded at the advice and finished the last of his beer.
Alex pulled up to the airport to drop off his mother. They were early and she stopped Alex with a hand on his leg who was ready to get out of the car to grab the luggage from the back.
"No hurry. We can use this free time to talk." It sounded cold and confrontational.
Alex closed the door and watched his mother for a few long seconds. "Yea, sure? What about?"
Alex always looked afraid of his mother or of what she could say. There was some power she held over him. It wasn't abusive but it was swaying.
"Do you still hate me?" Olympias asked timidly but there was force behind it.
Alex let out a breath of annoyance. "I don't hate you, mom. Why would I hate you?"
"For taking you away from your neighbor friend?" she finally looked at him and her eyes were dark, velvet and broken.
"That was six years ago." He lowly growled.
"It wasn't that long, Alex. Grudges only grow with time."
The blonde sighed. "Mom, I'm not holding any grudge toward you. I love you. You are my mother. If I was mad, I moved on."
"Do you love that boy more?"
He didn't know what kind of response she wanted. Well, he did. "I love you both in different ways."
"I can tell you still despise me."
"I'm not going to fight you about this. Not when you're about to leave again."
Then she figured it out. Why her son was so isolated from the world. "Oh my god?" Tears grew in her green hazel eyes. "You hate me for leaving you."
"No." He shook his head. But it was true. He never knew he hated his parents for splitting what they could have tried to work out but he was mostly upset they put him in the position to choose in the first place.
"Phillip always told me how much you hated the both of us but I didn't listen because I didn't think it was true."
"Mom, we just had a nice fucking dinner, why are you bringing this up? Why do you always have to ruin something good?"
"Is that what I did with you and Phai? Ruined something good?"
"I told you, nothing good can come from us discussing it."
"Talk to me about it."
Alex shifted and looked away from her. "There is nothing to say."
"You're just like your father when you're running away from something."
"Last time we talked you tried slapping me because of feelings you didn't want me to have." The burst came out suddenly. "You're too judgmental and emotional and you've always been. I can't talk to you about stuff that is important to me because it won't be important to you."
"You confuse judgment with affection."
"You confuse affection with misery."
Olympias wickedly laughed through all her bitterness. "You have no idea the amount of energy it takes to love you. I'm still here but that pretty boy won't always be."
"Don't make me choose between you and Phai."
"Who would you choose, out of curiosity? Hmm? The pretty little whore or the one who almost died struggling to give birth to you?"
"Did you fucking hear me just now?"
"I didn't raise you to be a fucking coward, Alex, spit it out."
"You didn't raise me at all. You were never there. And yes, I fucking hate you for it. I fucking hate you for being so overbearing with the love that I did not ask for. You loved me to the point that I became haunted by it. You're in my dreams, mother, and you've put me through hell. You kiss and covet me, like I am supposed to be your lover. You literally suck on my veins. I'm afraid to be who I am because who I am is exactly like you and dad. I love Phai because when I'm around him, I feel good. I feel fucking great. I'm happy and I smile and I don't feel like I'm ever going to have a last breath. When I'm around you, you make me feel used to make yourself feel good in the end and dad makes me feel like I can't do anything. You want to know something; you need me, not the other way around. Dad has no one. You have no one. I have people in my fucking life that I actually need and care about. You lock me in a cage and dad laughs at me because I'm stuck in your cage. You want to know what Phai does? He unlocks the fucking cage and sets me free and you're going to ask me, who the fuck I love more? Figure it out, mom."
Everything grew quiet. One was sad but knew it was coming and the other felt thrilled to be out of the madness but was also sad. Because he had to say it.
"I love you, mom. I do. But I can't offer you the amount of love you want from me. It's draining and I'm tired."
"I know now, how you truly feel. That's all I wanted to hear." Olympias leaned over and kissed her son on the cheek. He could feel the soft tears that crept down her face. "I'll see you on your birthday if you want me there."
She grabbed her bags, went inside and from his sight, she was gone. Now he was left to drive home in the guilt she caused.
Another Chapter! Thank you for the reviews and messages! :D -stranger