Crying Your Heart Out

Lily's room hadn't changed much. Not that he had expected her to do that, as they had only a couple more days left until they would return to Hogwarts. Most of Lily's belongings were still up here, but not his own.

'If you are up for it, Severus,' Erwin said from the doorway, 'we can go to Spinner's End and get your belongings.'

'I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.'

'The sooner we get it done, the sooner you can say goodbye to that place.'

Erwin made a fair point. In his previous life the house at Spinner's End had always belonged to him, but now it never would be again.

'When is Professor Dumbledore coming?'

'Tomorrow evening around eight o'clock.'

'Could we do it tomorrow afternoon then? I just—I just want to sit here for a while.'

'We can do that.'

Lily had climbed up the narrow stairs to her old attic room, carrying two large mugs of steaming hot chocolate.

'I'll leave you two alone,' and Erwin left to join Arnica and Petunia in the living room.

'Here you go,' Lily said she handed him a mug.

'I don't even know when my own mother's funeral is,' Severus said sadly as they sat down on the bed.

'I just heard mum talking about it. It's the day after tomorrow, at the little cemetery up the hill.'

After the emotionally charged past few days, Severus finally felt himself unwind a little.

'Dumbledore is coming to the funeral, too; as is Professor Slughorn.'

The idea that more people who knew his mother were coming made him feel slightly more at ease.

He looked up at Lily and smiled. 'I'm glad there are more people coming than just us.'

'Please drink some of your hot chocolate, Sev, it'll make you feel better.'

He drank some of his hot chocolate, feeling his insides warm up with sweet delight.

'I wish we could make some music,' said Severus. 'Too bad this,' he held up his broken wrist, 'is keeping me from playing.'

'You could ask Dumbledore if he could heal it for you when he comes over tomorrow,' Lily suggested.

'Good idea. I need my dominant hand healed before we go back to school, anyway. I can't brew potions like this.'

'Speaking of dominant hands, is your wand still at Spinner's End?'

Severus let out a sigh. 'He broke them,' he said coldly.

'Them?'

'Both mine and my mother's wand. He snapped them in half.'

Lily looked at him in utter shock. 'Is there no way they can possibly be repaired?'

'I'm afraid not.'

'We could ask mum and dad to take us to Diagon Alley one of these days, to get you a new wand from Ollivander's before we go back to school.'

'Do you think they would want to make the trip to London just for that?'

Lily took a sip of her hot chocolate. 'Oh please, going to Diagon Alley is like walking into a gigantic candy shop for dad. Plus, Tuney's never gone with me before out of resentment, but maybe she turned around a bit and wants to come with this time.'

'I'll ask them myself, but I want to get through the next two days before we plan anything else.'

'That I can understand. Want to listen to some music?'

'How about you play guitar for me?' he said with a grin. 'I'll just lean up against the wall here, sipping on my hot chocolate, while you play me our favourite song.'

'Alright, I can do that.'

It was a strange day. In a way it felt like any other day when he would come to visit Lily. The idea that this place was now his new permanent home hadn't really gotten through to him yet.

They spent most of the afternoon up in what was now his room. Listening to music. Talking. The attic room being their own universe for just a little while.

At dinnertime, Petunia came and sat down next to him. A thing she had always avoided doing as much as she could over the previous years.

'You look like you have something to say,' Severus said to her.

'I do,' she said as she piled some potatoes onto her plate. 'And I think you're going to like it.'

'Do tell.'

'I've been thinking a lot about what you said to me at Christmas, and I've decided to follow your advice.'

'My advice? I don't recall giving you any advice.'

'Well,' the rest of the family was looking at Petunia as if she was about to say something important, and she turned a little red in the face. 'About my art, you know, my own magic. I have decided to sign up for art school at Oxford. Hopefully I can start after summer.'

Arnica put her fork down and looked at her daughter in surprise. 'Petunia, you haven't told us about any of this yet. That is great news!'

'I kind of wanted it to be a surprise,' she said shyly.

'Tuney, that is great!' Lily said in excitement.

'I was hoping you'd come around,' Erwin said with pride.

'What does Vernon think of this?' Severus asked a little more seriously.

'I haven't told him yet. He'll just have to learn to live with it,' she said matter-of-factly. 'I don't care if I make a lot of money with my art or not. It makes me happy and that's what matters.'

'Good for you, Petunia,' Severus said to her with a smile. 'Next time I'll introduce you to a unicorn and see what happens then.'

The rest of the evening was calm and quiet. Severus was looking forward to seeing Dumbledore tomorrow. He had been offered counseling by the muggle police, but the only man he knew who could put his mind at ease in stressful situations was Dumbledore.

He excused himself to go up to his new room after their evening tea, feeling the need to be alone for a while. He sat down on the bed for a while, staring at the poster covered wall.

His mind wondered off and started spinning in circles, replaying all of the things that had happened, over and over in his head.

Every fight he's ever had with his father. Every argument he's ever had with his mother. The screaming. The pain. The deaths.

He let his face rest in the palms of his hands, wanting it to go away. For years, he had all those feelings tucked away into some darker part of himself, and now everything was starting to pour out of him.

Chills ran down his spine, but they didn't feel the same as when he got a panic attack. It was an even colder chill and it froze him up on the inside, as if a dementor had started to grow inside of him.

He laid down, but wrapping himself up in the blankets of the bed didn't seem to help one bit. Surrounding himself in the darkness of the blanket, he kept wishing over and over to fall asleep, but his mind would not allow it, as if it tried to torture itself into a state of insanity.

Somewhere in the distance, he could hear the family preparing themselves for bed. Doors being opened and closed. Water taps being used. The creaking of the staircase. He tried to cover up his ears in a feeble attempt to shield himself from all the sounds.

For a moment, he was envious of his mother's deafness. Living a life in ultimate silence. No harsh sounds of shattering glass. No squeaking tires of cars that would race down the street. No noises from the factory that blocked out most of the sun from their house at Spinner's End. But perhaps, only being able to see was worse.

He pulled the blanket off his head out of frustration and found himself surrounded in darkness. The lights had been switched off. The family had gone to bed.

He had spent several nights up here before in the past, sleeping on a mattress on the floor, right here in Lily's room. They would stay up all night, or at least try to, and he would tell her stories about the magical world. He even brought along his mother's old books to show her everything there was to know.

No doubt she was now using the same mattress to sleep in Petunia's room. The idea that he was now lying down in her bed didn't feel quite right.

A part of him wanted to go downstairs and wake Lily, just so he could talk to her again the way they used to when they were little. But he knew too that there was a reason Lily was staying with Petunia instead of here. They had grown too old and having sleepovers was now out of the question.

His eyes had adjusted to the darkness of the room and he looked around to see the monochrome coloured mess that was so typically Lily.

He heard a very soft thud in the distance, which at first he thought was the beating of his own heart, until the sound grew louder with each beat.

The door creaked, revealing Lily in her silk pajamas, and her curly hair messier than ever.

'Hi Sev,' she said softly, 'I figured you'd be awake.'

Without waiting for Severus to respond, she walked up to him, laid down on the bed, and tossed the blanket over both of them.

'Tuney won't say a word, she promised.'

Lily wrapped her arms around him and rested her face against his chest. Severus pulled her closer and held her tightly against him, his face buried in her hair.

A lump in his throat had started to grow and his body started to shake as he felt a wave of pain wash over him.

'She's dead because of me,' he said in a hoarse voice, tears falling into her hair.

Lily tangled her legs up between his. 'It's not your fault, Sev.'

'It is. It should've been me.'

She looked up at him with tears forming in her eyes. 'Please don't say that about yourself.'

With his good hand he ran his fingers through her hair, pulling her in as close as possible. 'He never wanted me,' he said in an almost inaudible voice.

'But I want you,' Lily said, as she planted a kiss on his forehead. 'That ought to be enough.'

For the first time since Severus was a little child, all the tension that had built up in his body released and he cried his heart out.