I.
Afterward, she finds it difficult to get back to sleep.
But, surprisingly, she doesn't cry. Tonight feels different, as if the tears won't help very much, despite the fact that she's always been a crier.
This time, she's not so much angry as she is sad.
And maybe a little bit jealous.
Because Jesse can just walk up to Shelby and have a normal conversation with her, ask her to do things for him, and, what's more, Shelby will respond, she will do what he asks, she will stand up for him a heartbeat. That much is obvious now.
Rachel can't envision Shelby doing anything for her.
Clearly, he had also lied to her about it for days. That part stings, too, but its buried under a raw, more immediate pain, one that mirrors what she felt last year. What she had sworn to herself that she would never let happen again before she let Jesse back into her life.
She doesn't need the reminder of the close relationship that her boyfriend and her mother share. She remembers all too well trying to convince Shelby to come to McKinley and help coach New Directions. It had been a thinly veiled attempt at asking her to come and be her mother, a way of asking what she couldn't come right out and say.
She doesn't want to think about the fact that ultimately, Shelby had chosen Jesse and the rest of Vocal Adrenaline over her. First she had ignored the hurt and lost herself in Finn, but eventually, she had put her resentment aside when Jesse had chosen to be with her.
She had gained more confident when she had expressed his displeasure at Shelby, and stood up to Shelby for her in a way that she couldn't.
As horrible as it sounds, she had thought that Jesse had chosen sides the second time around, and that she had won.
She's reminded again that she never wins, least of all with Shelby.
She has tried twice now to build a relationship with Shelby and failed. Her dads have always said that the definition of stupidity is doing the same thing twice and expecting a different result. She hates being stupid.
Again, she had absorbed the hurt, had labeled Shelby a coward, and decided that it would be a long time before she went down that road again.
Given his reputation, everyone had assumed that Jesse would cheat on her, himself included. Despite her doubts about her looks and her lack of experience, somehow she had always been confident that he wouldn't. He would never give up everything they had for some cheap, short-lived thrill with someone else.
However, she had always been insecure about Shelby, about him and Shelby, and their role in her life. Of all the things in the world he could have done, it had to be this.
Even if she and Jesse hadn't exactly had specific conversations about it, he should have known that Shelby was off limits, and Rachel just wasn't ready to deal with her as yet.
Hadn't he promised her and her dads as much? She thinks he did know and he did it anyway.
She doesn't know what to do with that.
She wonders if he doesn't really know her as well as she thought he did.
For all of Sunday, she ignores his texts, phone calls, and emails. Ultimately, she turns off her phone and forces herself to read Jane Eyre, which had been the first in a list of books she had made it her New Year's resolution to read before Jesse came back into her life.
She just needs time to figure this out, time away from him.
Her dads can sense the drastic change. Last night she had been ecstatic at the thought of New York and Jesse this weekend. This morning, she's quiet and thoughtful, spending all day in her pajamas, not even bothering to shower.
They come in periodically to check on her, making sure to tell her that they are available to talk whenever she needs to.
There's no use in pretending there is nothing wrong, so she nods and says she will seek them out when she's ready. She won't, though. Not yet. She's not sure that the problem really is about her and Jesse anymore. She thinks it might just be with her.
Plus, she knows its not going to be pretty if she tells them that that Jesse contacted Shelby behind all of their backs.
They will without a doubt forbid her from seeing him, and, even with all of this, she knows that's not what she wants.
If she has to make that decision, she will make it on her own terms.
II.
Later in the evening, the sadness disappears behind a newfound mask of anger, and she asks her dads for permission to go out with her friends. Though they are surprised at her sudden transformation from broody bookworm to party animal, they allow her to go.
She uses the house phone to tell Santana and Kurt to meet her at the karaoke bar in the next town, using the excuse that they should all practice their performances for the first run through of the show tomorrow.
For a split second, she considers inviting Tina as well, but decides against it. After all her talk about Jesse and the trust in their relationship, she really can't face the girl right now, can't bear to hear what decisions she has inspired with regards to Mike.
And, by some crazy logic, if she does choose to explain the reason behind her weird mood tonight, she's pretty sure that, together, her two friends are the perfect combination to keep her mind off the one-sided fight that she's currently in with her boyfriend. Santana will be able to empathize with the boy drama behind it, and Kurt will be good with the emotional baggage that she's sifting through.
She purposely leaves her phone on her desk, and says a quick prayer that there is no emergency whereby anyone other than Jesse will need to reach her tonight.
Thankfully, both her friends are up for the occasion, and don't ask too many questions while she selects songs for them that, in her expert opinion, will perfectly prepare their voices to sing tomorrow.
Rachel thinks that Santana senses more than she is letting on, but, she, to her credit, is willing to wait until Rachel is ready to talk. Kurt, on the other hand, has always been more direct, willing to irritate the answer out of her.
"What did he do?" he wants to know.
She shakes her head at him, continues writing her song selection on the tiny slip of paper.
"Rachel," he scolds, "You're going to have to tell me sooner or later."
She thinks that Kurt is used to the types of problems she used to have with Finn: forgotten dates, or misplaced words, a general lack of support. She doesn't know how to explain that she literally can't think, can't breathe without hurting, doesn't really know how to put that into words.
"Sing, Kurt," she instructs, choosing to ignore his previous comment.
He huffs and walks off towards the DJ's booth with the stack of song requests.
Santana sits down next to her after Kurt walks off. "Did he screw someone else?"
Rachel closes her eyes, and does her best to calm the ache in her gut at Santana's words. After last week, the thought of Jesse being with anyone else like that makes her sick.
She wishes it really was that easy, that clear cut.
She shakes her head and Santana continues. "Good, because if this is about Finn, Rachel, you should be thanking him."
Rachel keeps her head down so that she doesn't glare at Santana like she wants to. On some grander scale of things, she might be right, but Rachel is not willing to concede that point just yet.
"As if it wasn't obvious," Santana mutters, a bit put off by Rachel's lack of a reaction.
Kurt comes back and all three of them order dinner. Rachel is about half way through her salad when the DJ calls her name, though its not accompanied by a song she had requested for herself.
She shoots Kurt a disbelieving look. She definitely does not want to sing that song tonight.
"I might have made some tweaks to the set list," Kurt admits, "Go on. It will be good for you."
It takes her so long to get up to the stage that the audience starts chanting her name, aided in large part by Kurt.
Never one to disappoint, she takes a deep breath as the music cues. She's an actress, she tells herself, and she can fake the confidence she needs to do this particular song.
First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me
Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as I know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive
She finishes the song and walks calmly off stage amidst loud cheers and a few catcalls. She may seem fine on the outside, but she knows now what a mistake that was. Her head and her heart are pounding with shame, guilt, or remorse, she's not entirely sure. Tears burn at the corner of her eyes.
She can see Kurt standing at their table videotaping with his phone and cheering for her while Santana looks more contemplative, clapping almost politely as she follows Rachel's path off the stage with her eyes.
On her way back to the table, however, Rachel is interrupted by some 40-year old pervert who calls her 'Honey' and tries to touch her hair.
"I don't fucking think so," a familiar male voice yells, pulling her to safety, but away from Santana and Kurt towards the front doors of the restaurant.
"That was quite a performance, Berry," Noah Puckerman says, once he's gotten her outside and out of reach of her admirer, "Things not 100% kosher with St. Jackass?"
"Not now, Noah," she attempts, trying to get out of his strong grip and make her way back inside. "I appreciate your efforts on my behalf against that depraved individual, but I'm fine, and I don't require any further assistance."
She doesn't think that her teary, broken voice manages to convince him.
"You know it doesn't have to be this hard, right?" he asks as she leaves, and his words are oddly insightful.
He stops her cold and she turns almost reluctantly, because its one of the questions that she's been asking herself all day. Are things really supposed to be this difficult with Jesse? Is it really supposed to hurt this much?
Isn't love supposed to be grand and happy and epic?
She sees it coming for a whole two minutes beforehand, but when he moves to kiss her, she doesn't stop him. She doesn't help him either.
She just stands there frozen as flesh meets flesh, and that's it, she's thrown away everything she had with her boyfriend for some cheap, short-lived thrill with someone else.
She can feel herself die a little bit inside.
She dies a bit more when she hears Santana, who is closely followed by Kurt, call out, "What the hell are you doing?" because she's obviously just witnessed what Rachel is trying very hard to wipe from her consciousness.
It is only then that she realizes that she just kissed Puck, and that Puck is doubly bad because he's Santana's whatever, and he's also definitely not her boyfriend.
She starts to hyperventilate and flees to her car, mumbling an apology to Santana as she passes her.
Now the tears start to flow.
I went back and forth as to whether to post this or not, because its so short, but I think this chapter needs to stand on its own. I should have the confrontation scene up soon.
A little hint for the next chapter: Kurt sends Jesse the video of Rachel singing I Will Survive.
I would love to hear what you think of this chapter. I might have to up the rating for the story in the next one ;-)