Girl's School

by Miko2

Ranma and Akane attend St. Hebereke's School for Girls. It's a Ranmachan story, yeah, it's been done too many times before, but you know, whatever.

35. Chapter 35

CHAPTER 35

The Journey

Dawn came with icy breath and a light dusting of snow. The girls gathered on the edge of town, dressed in their new cold weather civilian clothing. Mayor Crisp, Grand Wizard Cocoanut, and Mr. Strudel consulted with Ranma, Akane, Nabiki and Kohana.

"Harrumph! Just a few miles down this road you'll pass Rootbeer Lake. After that you'll come to a fork," the Mayor said. "The right path leads down into the valley. The left path leads into the mountains. Eventually it leads to Licorice Swirl's castle. It's about half a day's journey there. Beware of the Big Rock Candy Trolls in the hills; they are huge beasts and very dangerous, although they usually don't attack groups as large as yours and are quite cowardly when presented with a show of force.

"Other than that, there are the dragons at the gates of the witch's castle. I honestly don't know how you girls will handle them, but that's why you're magical girls and not me." He paused, coughed, and added, "Other than the obvious reasons, of course."

"We will pray to the great Coacoa for your safety," Strudel added.

"Yes. Yes, of course," said Mayor Crisp. "Do take care. Of course, I have the utmost faith in you..."

"If the trip takes half a day," Ranma said, "shouldn't we need to pack something to eat?"

"Why?" the Mayor asked, surprised. "There are lunch pail trees all along the road. When you're hungry, just pick one." As Ranma and the others continued to stare at him, he added, "You know, lunch pail trees? Don't you have such things where you come from?"

"Um... no?"

"You will see," the wizard added. "Food is the least of your concerns."

"Okay, everybody, over here," Nabiki said, camcorder in one hand. "Time for one big group photo!"

Moments later the girls set off, chatting as the traveled. Soon they lapsed into silence. The air was crisp and cold, like a menthol cough drop, and the sound of snow crunching beneath their boots seemed loud.

Soon they came to the shore of Rootbeer Lake. They were a bit disappointed to see that the water was not brown, but crystal blue like any Earth lake might be. The surface was tranquil and smooth like a mirror, and mist floated above it like the icy moisture from an ice cream freezer.

The path wound alongside the lake, and so they came to the fork in the road, just as the Mayor said. The left path followed the curve of the lake and then headed up a steep incline into the mountains.

Now that everyone knew that Octava could talk, Nabiki had decided that carrying him about shouldn't be her responsibility. Ranma had shown no interest, so Akane again carried the white bunny.

The trees high up the mountain were tall emerald evergreens, but the trees along the road looked more like fruit trees of some sort. Soon Ranma noticed that the trees they were passing were laden with large, football-sized leafy fruit. She leaped up to grab one, pulling it free.

"Is that a lunch pail?" Akane asked.

"Dunno," Ranma replied, studying the object as they walked. "Doesn't look like it." She turned the object over and over, then began to peel the green leaves back. Nestled inside was something white and cylindrical shaped.

"This looks more promising," Ranma said. She pulled the 'pail' free and studied it. One end was clearly the top. She peeled it back and glanced inside.

"Wow," she said. She pulled something square out. It was wrapped in thin leaves like wax paper. She unwrapped it, stared at it, and took a bite.

"Turkey sandwich," she said. "With some sort of cheese..." She made a face. "Also horseradish mayonnaise, I think."

"Yum!" the white bunny said. "I love me some horseradish!"

She dug further into the lunch pail. 'There's... let's see... looks like... potato salad? And, hmm, chocolate cake. Now we're talkin'! Also something..." She pulled out a round container and shook it experimentally. "Some kind of liquid... juice, I think. Wow, there's even packets of salt and pepper and a napkin in here! It's a complete bento lunch!"

"Find one for me," the bunny said. "With extra chocolate cake!"

"Interesting," Nabiki said. "And it all grew on a tree? I'd like to see natural selection account for that one."

"What kind of weird world is this where lunches grow on trees?" Ukyo asked.

"The best kind!" Octava replied.

"One where you don't go hungry?" Nabiki added.

"Hmm. Good point." Ukyo grinned. With a swing of her spatula, she brought down several of the strange fruit, which several girls claimed. They unwrapped them as they walked. Ranma threw what was left of her pail away and fetched another.

"Hey," Akane exclaimed. "This one's Japanese! Rice balls, cut veggies, pickles, and... wow! Chicken curry!"

"Yum!" the bunny said.

"Mine too!" Ukyo exclaimed. The other girls chimed in that they, too, had similar bentos.

"No fair!" Ranma exclaimed. "What tree did those come off of? I got something weird... a strange sandwich and some strange salad thing."

Kohana glanced over Ranma's shoulder. "Greek salad and lamb gyro," she said. "Tzatziki sauce too, and dolmas, and... baklava. Yum!"

"Yum!" Octava agreed.

"Weird foreign shit," Ranma muttered. "You can have it."

"Thank you, I will," Kohana said, lifting the pail from Ranma's grasp.

Ranma sampled a half-dozen more lunch pail trees before she found one that she liked, then picked a dozen fruit from that one tree. Akane rolled her eyes, not at all surprised. If Genma Saotome had been alive and here, he and his son might have eaten the entire forest in a day or so, she reasoned. Meanwhile Shampoo searched long and hard for a Chinese ramen tree, but eventually settled on one that produced a passable Szechwan chicken.

XXX

The path grew steeper as they ascended the mountain. It was becoming quite a hike – the kind of path you might see in a movie dedicated to extreme mountain biking. The sun had risen, but its rays shining down through the thin, fragile air provided little warmth. They came upon a lush field of grass like green velvet, and Octava called for a halt, both to eat their lunches more easily and so that he could finally reveal to them their special magical girl attacks.

Insects buzzed, creating a background drone against which birds chirped and sang. The girls settled into a half circle. Octave spent some time devouring more food than a bunny his size had any right to eat, then he hopped up onto a gnarled log in front of them. He magically produced a cigar and a battered marine helmet. He began to march from one end of the log to the other.

"Okay girls. Welcome to Magical Girl Bootcamp 101. You arrived here as young girls, but when I'm through with you you'll be young magical girls!" He stabbed a cigar in Ukyo's direction. "Pretty Angel Blueberry Pancake! Step forward!"

Ukyo stepped forward. "That's not my name…."

"If I say you're Blueberry Muffin then you will answer to that name!" The bunny yelled.

Ukyo sighed, then snapped a salute. "Sir! Yes sir!"

"Very good!" The bunny paused and added, "Anyway, I happen to like blueberry pancakes. Get a nice stack of them, add some butter and real maple syrup... mmmm..." The bunny stared off into the distance for a moment. "Not like those okonomiyaki things you make, although those are good too. I don't know why people compare them to pancakes or pizza though. Not the same thing at all. Now, Angel Blueberry – show me your transformation!"

Ukyo held out her hands. "Pretty Angel Blueberry Pancake Transform!" she yelled.

Nothing happened. Ukyo glanced at Octava and raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah, yeah, okay," the bunny said. "Point made. Only Shortcake's name is officially food related. Now try it again, this time with the correct phrase please."

With a smirk, Ukyo yelled out, "Pretty Angel Blueberry Transform!" She flew up in the air and spun about. Her clothing swirled and faded and for a brief moment she seemed to be nearly nude, then her costume reformed around her, She landed, fully dressed in her team costume.

"Good," Octava said. "Now, yours is an attack power. You see that rock over in the distance?" Ukyo nodded. "Okay, now concentrate on it. Hold out your hands like you do when transforming. When you yell the attack, thrust your hands outward, as if you're hurling energy at the rock. Got it?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Your attack phrase is 'Pretty Angel Blueberry Pancake Coquettish Bomber'."

Ukyo's forehead ticked. "You made pancake a part of the attack phrase?" she asked.

"Oh, yeah," the bunny said. "I gotta have some fun with this, don't I?"

"It's awfully long though," Ukyo said.

Sachiko said, "You stole that attack from Pretty Sammy."

"I totally stole it," the bunny agreed. "What, you think I got all day to come up with names for all of your new powers? Most magical girl guardians get one girl, I gotta deal with ten. I ain't got the time to be too creative."

"But," said Sachiko, "if she's going to toss a Coquettish Bomber, then she needs to hold her baton up over her head and bring it down hard to launch the spell. She can do that, can't she?"

"I don't have a baton," Ukyo said. "Nor do I want one."

"You've got your spatula."

Ukyo glanced at Octava. The bunny sighed. "Oh, okay. There's nothing to say you can't activate it that way if you want."

"Good," Sachiko said. "Miyuki will throw a fit if it's not done properly."

Ukyo held her spatula overhead. "Pretty Angel Blueberry Pancake Coquettish Bomber!" she yelled. She swung the spatula downwards. Blue energy shot out from it, shattering the stone into bits.

Ukyo grinned. "Oh, now that's more like it!" she said. "I take back what I said earlier Kohana. I'm no longer jealous about your fireball attack."

Ranma jumped up. "My turn!" she exclaimed. "Pretty Angel Strawberry Shortcake Transform!"

The bunny watch as Ranma went through her transformation sequence, her waist-length red curls whipping about. "Yeah, okay, Shortcake," he said. "I could be cruel and force you to go last, but I'd probably regret it. Your new power is the "Strawberry Shortcake Love Swirl!"

"Miyuki's going to blow a fuse when she hears the names of these attacks," Sachiko said.

"Thank you," the bunny said. "Even though I cribbed a lot, I had a lot of fun making them up."

"Love swirl, huh?" Ranma said. "What's that do? Some sort of magical hurricane, or somethin'?"

"Or something," the bunny said. "Actually, why not try it and find out?"

"What do you want me to blow up?"

"Blow up? Who said anything about blowing something up?"

"Well, what do you want me to attack? What's my target?"

"Any target you wish. Or no target. Just say the spell already."

Ranma shrugged. She pointed at a tree. "That, then," she said, holding her hands out. "Pretty Angel Strawberry Shortcake Love Swirl!"

No energy beam shot out. Instead, red vapor seemed to swirl in a wide arc about the whole group. It continued to do this for a few seconds, then vanished.

"You can maintain that for quite some time with concentration," Octava said.

Ranma blinked. "But... what was that? It didn't do anything!"

"Oh yes it did," Octava said. 'For the few moments we were surrounded by that mist, we were impervious to virtually any outside attack."

Ranma blinked. "Really?"

"Really."

"Then... it's not an attack spell?"

"No, Shortcake, it isn't," the bunny said. "Let's face it, you've got plenty of attacks already. As leader, I thought it best to give you a way to defend your team should the need arise."

Ranma stared at the bunny a moment.

"Okay," she said. She sat down and began to eat.

The bunny cocked an eye. "What, no complaints? No whining that you want an offensive power?"

Ranma shrugged. "In combat, defense is as important as offense," she said. "A good defense makes me stronger, too."

"Exactly. I'm surprised you agree, though."

"Ranma may be dumb, but she's not stupid," Nabiki said.

"Gee, thanks for the support, Nabs," Ranma said, rolling her eyes.

"What I meant, Saotome, is that you wouldn't be a top-notch martial artist without your ability to think in battle. You can size up an opponent and think up new ways to defeat him better than anyone I know."

"Yes, well, before your leader gets a swollen head from all this praise, why don't you step forward, Angel Lime?"

Nabiki got up and transformed, then stood waiting further instruction.

Octava marched back and forth and puffing on his cigar. "Healer Girl," Ranma said suddenly.

Nabiki blinked in surprise. "What?"

"You're Healer Girl," Ranma repeated.

"Ooookay," Nabiki said slowly. "How about we leave the distribution of powers to Bunny-san here?"

Octava was staring at Ranma. "Actually, Lime," he said, "Shortcake is right. Since you're not much of a fighter I've given you a support power as well – the ability to heal others. It's a single-target power that will heal and revive one of your comrades, and will incidentally free them from many types of holding, binding, and mind-control type spells. Although exactly how Shortcake knew that..."

"Nothing more than a lucky guess, I suspect," Kohana said pointedly. She fixed Ranma with a penetrating stare.

"Well, Nabs seems the least likely for such a role," Ranma said, "and you're a very contrary bunny."

Octava stared at the both of them for a moment. Nabiki shrugged. "Okay, got it," she said. "And the cute food-related summoning spell would be...?"

The rabbit laughed. "You catch on quick. That's right, all of your special powers are food related – I just couldn't help myself. Yours is 'Lime Sour Mystic Healing'."

"Nice," Nabiki said. "At least it's a cocktail. You could have gone with key lime pie, of course."

"Well, that's always a possibility if I grant you another power," the rabbit replied. "Now let's see you try it. Here..." The rabbit gestured suddenly, and a flash of light shot out from his paw to strike Ranma on the upper arm.

"What the hell?" Ranma yelled, leaping back. "What did you do that for?"

"Angel lime needs someone to heal, doesn't she? That way we'll know the spell works."

"That was aimed at my chest!" Ranma growled. "What are you trying to do, kill me?"

The bunny rolled his eyes. "If I'd aimed at your arm, it would have been easier for you to dodge and I would have missed completely. Now hold still, Shortcake, and take your medicine."

Nabiki held her hands before her and looked at Ranma. "Here goes nothing," she said. "Pretty Angel Lime Sour Mystical Healing!"

Nabiki thrust her hands outward. Green energy shot from them to envelop Ranma. After a moment it faded, as did the cut on Ranma's arm. Nabiki stumbled and fell to her knees.

"You okay, sis?" Akane asked, stepping forward.

"Yeah," Nabiki said. "Just takes a lot of energy to do that, I guess."

"Naturally," the bunny said, "the power drains you of your energy. However as you practice and become used to your new powers, your ability to recover energy and to hold more energy in reserve will grow. How does it feel, Shortcake?"

Ranma glanced down at her arm. She flexed her muscles.

"That felt pretty good," she said. "I feel... refreshed, I guess."

"Indeed," the bunny said. "You are the team's greatest weapon, Shortcake; restoring you to full health and vitality will always be a greater boon than if I had simply given Lime an attack of her own."

The bunny smirked and added, "Besides, green is a nice color for a healing spell."

One by one, the other girls discovered their special magical attacks. For Akane it was "Pretty Angel Peach Cobbler Thunderbolt" which summoned lightning from the sky. Akela's was the "Pretty Angel Pineapple Upside Down Cake Tsunami" which was, naturally, a water-based attack. Shampoo got the "Pretty Angel Plum Pudding Sexy Bomber" which even Octava admitted showed an incredible lack of creativity on his part. For Sachiko, there was the "Pretty Angel Tangerine Smoothie Firesword, which enveloped her katana in fire and allowed it to do magical damage as well as slicing damage. For Konatsu it was the "Pretty Angel Cherry Cola Heart Stars" which was an attack that sprayed many magic-based throwing stars in a wide arc. And for Yoriko it was the "Pretty Angel Grape Soda Sensation" which produced a bright purple flash that stunned enemies.

XXX

Just as the last of the magical girl team – that being the magical boy Konatsu – was finishing off the first demonstration of his new attack, loud laughter rang out across the clearing.

"So, that pathetic excuse for a Mayor, Toffee Crisp, has sent the likes of you to defeat me?" The voice could not have sounded more like that of the Wicked Witch of the West if Judy Garland herself had been standing there in a blue gingham dress holding a basket containing a little black terrier.

The witch stood on a rock not far away. Surprisingly, Licorice Swirl appeared to be nearly as tall as Ranma - making her much taller than anyone in the town of Chocolate Chip. Her skin was not green, but a pale purple. She wore the black dress and pointed, wide-brimmed hat required of a wicked witch, along with a black cloak, black boots, black lace opera gloves, and black makeup. She wore so much black that she seemed to be overcompensating a bit, like a desperate goth trying to draw attention from the color of her skin.

Ranma made the connection to the creature she'd spoken with the night before. She snapped her fingers. "Of course! The purple people eater!" she exclaimed.

"What? Where?" The witch looked around frantically. After a moment she turned back to Ranma.

"So, trying to distract me, eh? Well that won't work twice, little girl!"

Ranma pointed. "Look, a purple people eater!"

"What? Where?" The witch spun about in terror. Then she spun back to face Ranma again.

"Nice try, girlie, but that trick certainly won't work a third time…."

"A purple people eater!" Ranma said.

"What?" The witch looked about, then spun back. "Now cut that out! Here I am, come to give you a warning as a public service, and all you do is make fun…."

"The villain wants to warn us, as a public service?" Nabiki interrupted.

"That's right! I'm here to tell you that your efforts are doomed. Doomed, doomed, DOOMED to fail!"

The witch paused for dramatic effect, then added, "So, do you just want to give up now?"

"Uh… no?" said Ranma.

"But I've already told you that you're doomed, doomed, DOOMED!"

"Yeah," Ranma said. "We'll take our chances. Or do you want to just give us the Prince and call it good?

"As if!" the witch sneered. "No, little girl, I'm afraid the only way you can rescue the Prince is to reach my castle and fight your way inside first. Not that you're likely to mange that. My winged licorice serpents will soon make short work of you! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

A cloud of smoke enveloped the witch, and she was gone. But where she had stood black tendrils arose from the ground. They wove together into thicker strands which grew arms and legs, until ten strange creatures stood there. They were headless, with thin boneless bodies and limbs as if they were made of black rope.

"Ew," said Akane. "What are they?"

"It's like they're made of pipe cleaners," said Ukyo.

"Or, more to the point," Nabiki said, "licorice whips."

One creature gestured and a long arm snapped out with a whip-like crack. Ranma leaped straight up, dodging the attack. "Angels transform!" she called out.

The others scrambled to comply, save for Nabiki, who took the time to video record the multiple simultaneous transformation sequences. When they were over, she laughed. "I do believe that's going to give poor Miyuki a coronary," she said.

"Very likely," the bunny Octava agreed.

Ranma landed wearing her Angel uniform. She spun and yelled out, "Moko Takabisha!". A chi blast obliterated one of the licorice whip creatures.

"Pretty Angel Peach Cobbler Thunderbolt" Akane yelled, flinging a fist skyward. A bolt of lightning struck down, frying another of the creatures.

A thin black arm slapped the pointed hat from Kohana's head. The girl stumbled back, then thrusts her hands forward. "Pretty Angel Blackberry Tart Fireball!" she yelled, and the creature was engulfed in flames.

One by one, each of the girls used her new attack to take out one of the licorice creatures. Nabiki kept the camera rolling. Quickly only two of the creatures remained. The girls turned on these two, which went down in a barrage of simultaneous attacks.

It was all over in seconds.

"Yes!" Akane crowed. "Lightning from above! This is so cool."

"I've gotta admit," Ukyo added, "this Blueberry Pancake Coquettish Bomber is a lot of fun!"

"Shampoo like new attack too," Shampoo said.

"You know," Nabiki said, "I don't get to try out my new power unless you guys get hurt."

"Yeah," Ranma replied. "That all seemed a bit too easy."

"You think?" Nabiki replied. "Not to mention convenient. Did you notice how she showed up just after we learn our new powers?"

Ranma nodded. "Something about this whole setup doesn't feel quite right. Why show up to threaten us and then leave behind such a weak challenge?"

The girls gathered their things together and renewed their hike. Not far from the path, Akane paused. She wandered further into the woods and bent down.

"What is it?" Ukyo asked.

Akane held up a small figurine carved from some sort of smoky blue stone. "It's a little cat figurine," she said. "I saw the sunlight flash off of it."

"Is cute," Shampoo said.

"Yeah," Akane replied. "I'm going to keep it." She slipped the figurine into her pocket.

XXX

Twenty minutes later the girls approached a line of gnarled trees. The path darkened ahead as it passed into the strange, twisted grove. Sickly undergrowth lined the path, and the very air itself seemed to hold a faint stench of death.

"Spooky," Akane said. "Those trees almost look like frozen trolls."

As the girls stood, eyeing the path nervously, there was a crackle of lightning and a huge puff of smoke. The witch appeared on the pathway before them.

"Turn back, foolish girls!" she cried out with a cackle. "The woods ahead are full of deadly Big Rock Candy Trolls. You'll never make it to my castle! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! And even if you do, you'll never make it past my fire-breathing winged licorice serpents!"

Nabiki crossed her arms. "Didn't we cover this point already?"

"Silence! Do not think you can outwit the great wicked witch Licorice Swirl! You have no chance of defeating me! None! And you will never find my castle, not even if you hike for another hour and ten minutes and take the left fork where you'll see a sign pointing to 'the castle of wicked witch Licorice Swirl' – if you reach the pass above the falls then you've gone too far! – and then it's just a few minutes walk to the bridge over the Wintermint Ice Falls, which is guarded by my winged licorice serpents who breathe fire, and where you shall meet your doom! YOUR DOOM! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

The witch vanished in a puff of smoke.

After a moment of silence, Nabiki said, "Is it just me, or did that seem less like a threat from an evil witch and more like GPS driving instructions?"

Kohana nodded. "You couldn't get better from Google maps."

"Didn't she just warn us like, twenty minutes ago?" Yoriko added. "She sure seems impatient for us to get there."

"Right," Ranma said. "Let's take another break."

"A break?" Akane replied. "What for? Don't we want to get there as fast as possible?"

"The witch sure wants us to," Ranma said, "so I'm not sure that we do. Anyway, I want to see what happens next if we slow down."

"Indeed," Kohana said. "A break seems like an excellent idea."

The girls sat down and began to chat. Some produced leftovers from lunch. Within five minutes there was another large puff of smoke.

"What is taking you people so long?" complained the witch – for it was indeed her. "Hurry, hurry! The Prince needs rescuing!"

"We're just taking a break," Ranma said.

"That's right," Kohana added. "Walking up a mountain is hard work."

"But there's no time to waste!" the witch exclaimed. "You have to get there right away!"

"What's the rush?" Akane asked.

"Something horrible might happen to the Prince if you don't!"

"Is that a threat?" Ranma asked. "Last I heard, you'd enchanted him into an object and were waiting to see if a Princess would come to kiss him and break the spell."

"Oh, for evil's sake!" the witch exclaimed. "I've never seen a more lackadaisical group of magical girls. Very well! I didn't want to resort to this, but since you girls can't be bothered, you leave me no choice!"

She raised her hands and began to chant. Gray smoke began to rise. Ranma and the others jumped up, but were lost in the suddenly dense cloud. When the smoke lifted, they found themselves in a large castle room.

XXX

The girls found themselves in a large castle room. There was a high vaulted ceiling. The walls were gray stone covered by colorful tapestries. Chairs and tables of dark oak and plush couches furnished the room. It looked a bit like the lobby of a Medieval Holiday Inn. There was even soft music playing in the background – the tinkle and chime of a music box.

The room smelled of candy – licorice in particular. On the tables were trays of licorice gum drops.

"Welcome to my castle!" the witch cackled, "where you shall meet your doom! YOUR DOOM! Ha ha ha ha ha ha."

Ranma looked around. "Whatdja do, teleport us?"

"Naturally," the witch said. "Teleportation is one of my specialties. I am much much better at such spells than that useless do-good wizard..."

"What, just like that?" Ranma asked, interrupting her.

"Teleportation spells are instantaneous, by their very nature," the witch said. "Things can get very messy if you draw the process out. You see, objects can't exist in two..."

"But why?" Ranma interrupted.

"You were taking too long! You left me no choice!"

"Aren't you supposed to prevent us from reaching your castle?" Akane asked.

"Silence!" the witch commanded. "It is not for the likes of you to question my motives!"

"Technically, the hero always questions the villain's motives," Kohana said.

"Silence!" The witch waited for any more comments from the peanut gallery. "Very well. Question my motives if you must. But do not continually interrupt me in the middle of my monologues. It's very rude!"

She paused again, looking them over.

"Oh my, what a perfectly lovely collection of magical girls," she said. "And you've traveled all the way here to rescue the poor little Prince? Too bad you made the journey in vain!"

"Actually, you transported us most of the way," Nabiki said.

"Silence!" the witch snarled. "In case you were wondering, there is no escape from this suite that you find yourselves in. Here shall I leave you, to ponder your ultimate fate, until such time as I deign to return. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Her cackling laughter echoed off the walls, and then she was gone in a puff of smoke.

Nabiki reclined on a red velvet couch. "Well, this shouldn't take long," she said. "The way things are going, I'll give her about five minutes."

"Brother," Akane muttered, flopping into a nearby chair. "Talk about impatient!"

"That dame," said Octava, "ain't playing with a full deck." He produced a cigar and lit it.

Kohana looked thoughtful. "Do you suppose," she asked, "if we continue to do nothing, that she will free the Prince for us, too?"

XXX

Exactly fourteen minutes and thirty eight seconds later, the witch reappeared. Before the smoke had even cleared enough to see her, Nabiki was checking her watch.

"Nearly fifteen minutes," she said. "That means Ukyo wins."

"Alright!" Ukyo crowed. Several of the others muttered under their breath. Nabiki handed a small pile of yen to Ukyo.

Witch Licorice Swirl gathered her cloak about her and cackled loudly, in an apparent attempt to recapture their attention. "I have finally decided what shall be your fate!" she announced grandly.

"We're here to rescue the Prince," Ranma replied.

"Silence!" the witch snapped. She stared at the redhead for a moment, and then said, "I have decided that you will be given a chance to rescue your precious Prince."

"He's not our Prince," Akane said.

"Yeah," Ukyo added. "We don't even know him."

"Silence! You, the one with the red hair. You are Magical Princess Angel Strawberry, are you not?"

"That's right," Ranma replied.

"And you are a real magical Princess?"

Ranma blinked. "Um... sure."

"Excellent! And what of the rest of you? Are all of you girls magical Princesses like Angel Strawberry here?"

"Oh, yes," Nabiki said. "Each of us is every bit as much a magical Princess as Red is."

"Nabiki!" Akane hissed.

"What? Do I lie?"

"Wonderful!" The witch clasped her hands together. "That's wonderful news!

"Now, for the time being, you are all confined to this guest suite. There are beds enough for all and food will be brought to you, but you are not allowed to leave. You are my special guests."

"Prisoners, you mean?" Ukyo asked.

"Now, now, that is not a very nice word to use," the witch said. She cackled gleefully. "Oh, but you can not escape! Do not even try!"

"Um... we weren't planning to," Ranma said. "Not until we rescue the Prince, at least."

"Oh yes! You are here to rescue the Prince! But you will fail, fail, FAIL! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

The witch finished her cackle, coughed, and straightened her robe. "As I was saying... since you're all Princesses here, you will each be given a chance to free the Prince. Except for you," she said, pointing to Akela. "You're too plain. Also you," she added, pointing to Akane. "You're too butch. You're disqualified as well."

"I'm too what?" Akane growled.

The witch pointed at Yoriko. "You. You look like a thug. Is that a... a cigarette you're smoking?"

Yoriko removed the cigarette and blew smoke. "You got a problem with that?" she asked.

"Yes!" the witch snapped. "What kind of princess smokes? You're disqualified as well."

Yoriko inclined her head, not at all displeased to be recognized as a thug even while dressed in a ridiculous babydoll dress. She placed the cigarette back in her mouth.

"But the rest of you are perfectly acceptable! Here are the rules…." She spun and pointed to the far end of the room. A curtain pulled back, revealing a locked door flanked by two armored statues with glowing eyes.

"Beyond that door is a second suite of rooms similar to this one," the witch said. "Inside are all manner of enchanted objects and curios. One of them is the Prince, who has, as you said, been transformed. But which one? That is the question! Ha ha ha ha ha!

"Each day at Noon, one of you will be allowed into the rooms beyond this door. All you need do is determine which one is him, and kiss it. Your kiss will break the spell. The door, by the way, will magically lock behind you – nor will it open until you've freed the Prince or one of his followers. Once you pass beyond, you have make a choice, for good or ill, or you cannot return.

"Should you succeed, I will let you go. But should all of you fail, then I will enchant each of you into objects as well and keep you here forever and ever!"

The witch cackled madly at this, then suddenly produced a pocket watch. "Why, look! It's practically Noon right now!" She pointed to Ranma. "You're the leader, right? Such a pretty face - and such beautiful, curly red hair! You first!"

"Saotome," Nabiki said, "take the bunny."

XXX

Ranma stepped between the armored guardians and through the doorway. She clutched a white bunny to her chest. Behind her, the door slammed shut. There was a loud click. She glanced back.

"Okay," she said. "I get the idea. No one gets out until we find the prince, or fail to."

"Looks like," Octava said. He hopped from her grasp and landed on the stone floor.

They were in a stone hallway lit by the flickering light of wall-mounted torches. All was silent.

"This is all nicely medieval," the bunny said.

Ranma tapped her earrings. "Akane? Can you hear me?" After a moment she shrugged. "No signal," she said.

"Magical interference, possibly," Octava replied. "Ah, well." He began to hop up the hallway, with Ranma following.

Ahead the hallway turned right. Ten feet beyond that it opened up into a large room, part of a suite of rooms, much like the one they'd left.

It was pretty much as Witch Licorice Swirl had said. Knick-knacks and curious filled every corner of the room. Although the room was large, all the clutter made things feel claustrophobic. It was like the world's largest curio shop, a second hand store for the Feudal set.

Ranma wandered further in, looking the curios over. In front of her was a candelabra of silver. It had an amusing face molded into the side of it. The whole thing seemed pretty ugly, Ranma thought. Next to it was a small jade statue of a crab, and beyond that, a china teapot – also with a rather ugly face as part of the design.

In fact, Ranma realized, every object in the room that wasn't actually a statue of some sort of animal or living creature had a face built into it. It was, she thought, kind of perverse and gruesome. Finding the Prince among all of this is not going to be easy, she thought.

"Hey baby. Looking for a Prince?"

"Of course I am," she replied. "You know that, Octava."

"Uh..." the bunny said. "I wasn't the one talking..."

Ranma turned about. "Oh yeah? Who said it then?"

"Down here, Cupcake!"

Ranma glanced down. The china teapot was looking up at her – looking up her dress, in fact.

"I see Germany, I see France..." the teapot began. Ranma kicked it across the room.

"Hey, hey!" it yelled. "Be careful! I'm breakable!"

"Remember, that teapot might be someone enchanted," Octava added. "All of these objects might be."

"Wait a second," Ranma said, staring at the teapot. She adjusted her glasses. "Are you the Prince?"

"Oh yeah," the teapot said, standing up and dusting itself off. Ranma couldn't see exactly how it managed this – it had no feet or hands, but edges of its body seemed to bend and mold themselves into appendages as needed. "I'm yer Prince, Sweetie. How's about giving me a smooch?"

The teapot leaped at Ranma's face. Instinctively she batted it down.

"Gaaah!" she exclaimed, shivering. "It's like the spirit of the old freak has inhabited a teapot!" She thought of this, and added, "Happosai? Master? That isn't actually you, is it?"

"It's me, it's me!" the teapot replied. "I'll be your Prince, I'll be your Master, your Happosai, whatever you want! Just give me a big kiss, Baby..."

""He ain't no Prince," a deeper voice said. "Don't listen to him."

Ranma glanced to her left. An overstuffed chair was regarding her with interest.

"You talk too?" Ranma asked.

"That's right," the chair said. "And that's because I am the Prince! Now come plant your pretty little derriere on me, Baby Girl. I've got something special in mind for you!"

"Liar!" the teapot cried out. "I'm the real Prince! Now, pucker up and gimme a wet one!"

"No, Sweetcakes," a lamp exclaimed. "I'm the real Prince"

Suddenly every object in Ranma's immediate vicinity came to life. "No, pick me, Girly!" an end table said.

"No, lovely wench, I'm the Prince!" a beer stein yelled.

"I got yer Prince right here!" a floor rug said.

"Gimme some sugar, Sugar!" a sugar bowl asked.

"Come sit on me, Doll!" a couch called out.

"We can make such beautiful music together!" a Victrola record player sang.

"Gah!" Ranma exclaimed. She ran through the suite as objects of every kind chased after her. She rounded a corner and came to a sudden stop. Her eyes went wide. She stared at the object in front of her.

"That... but that can't be... can it?" she squeaked.

'I'm afraid it is," Octava replied.

XXX

The other members of the Anything Goes Angels sat around waiting. Nabiki had found a deck of cards and was shuffling them, eyeing the other girls speculatively. Meanwhile the witch hovered nearby, almost expectantly, occasionally cackling to herself.

"It's hopeless," the Witch Licorice Swirl told them. "Princess Strawberry will never find the Prince."

"If the Prince is in there, then there's hope," Akane said.

"Although, technically speaking, it is a very slim hope," Kohana added. "If the number of objects are more than a few hundred then you can probably eliminate any realistic chance of success, statistically speaking. It's be like winning the lottery."

"You know, Kohana," Akane said. "You are far too cynical for your age."

Kohana shrugged. "To quote George Bernard Shaw, 'The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.'"

Akane frowned. The witch cackled. "Too true, too true! You are doomed to failure. DOOMED!" She cackled again – a screeching laugh that grated on the nerves.

Ukyo shuddered. "That laugh is getting very annoying," she said.

"Of course it is!" the witch declared. "Mine is an evil laugh!"

The guarded door at the far end of the room swung open. Ranma stood there, framed by the torchlight. She held a white bunny in her arms.

"Ranma!" Akane exclaimed. "Did you find the Prince...?"

Behind Ranma came a tiny woman with brown hair and blue skin. Ranma shook her head. "This is Miss Mint Sorbet," she said. "She was enchanted too. I picked her instead of the Prince."

The two came into the room. The door slammed shut behind them.

"You failed?" Licorice exclaimed. For a moment she seemed perplexed, then she recovered with a mad cackle. "Ha ha ha ha! I mean, of course you failed! How could you not fail? The odds are against you, as your little witchy friend with the nicely pointy hat so cleverly pointed out!"

The witch drew her cloak about her and stood ramrod straight. She glared at them haughtily. "Very well! You will remain here until tomorrow, when another of you will be given a chance to solve the riddle! Dinner will be served in a few hours!" She paused to glare at Ranma. "And remember – no cheating! You are not allowed to give the other girls any hints!

"And now... adieu!"

In a puff of smoke, she was gone.

Mint Sorbet bowed low. "I am ever so grateful for being freed," she said. "I must thank all of you for traveling so far from your home to help me and my people. However," she added with a sorrowful look, "I fear that if you do not free the Prince, then you will be trapped here with the rest of us."

"At least we know one thing," said Kohana.

"What's that?" Asked Ranma.

"The spell that only a princess could break was broken by you," the witch girl replied. "Therefore, our magical girl titles really do confer princess status upon us."

Ranma blinked in surprise. "I thought it just meant anyone could break the spell,"

"Oh no," said Mint Sorbet. "Only the kiss of a princess! That's how the spell works!"

"Well then, Princess Shortcake," Nabiki said, "you'd better tell us what you know. Start cheating."

Ranma closed her eyes. She gave a slight shudder. "It was... horrible..." she whispered.

"Oh?" Nabiki replied. "How so?"

"Imagine," Ranma said, "a room completely stuffed with enchanted objects. It's like an antique shop run by an old woman who hates kids and thinks throwing anything away is a grave sin. And every single object has a face."

"That doesn't sound so frightening," Nabiki began. Ranma held up a finger.

"There's more. Every single object can all talk and move about."

"I see," said Nabiki.

"No, you don't see," Ranma replied. "Now, imagine that every single one of them is Happosai..."

A look of pure horror spread across the faces of Nabiki, Akane, Ukyo, and Shampoo.

"My God," Nabiki said.

Yoriko raised an eyebrow. "Happosai?" she asked. "Is it really that bad, then?"

"You," Ranma said, "have no idea..."

XXX

The girls played card games while the rescued Mint Sorbet sat quietly nearby, too shy to speak. Octava had joined in and, to the consternation of Nabiki, was winning most of the time. On the bright side, however, Nabiki still had the largest pot, as the bunny kept eating the gum drops they were using as markers.

"So," Nabiki said. "You're pretty sure you know where the Prince is?"

"Yeah," Ranma said. "I'd bet on it."

Nabiki's eyes flickered to the paltry handful of markers left in front of Ranma. To say that Ranma was a bad gambler was to insult bad gamblers the world over.

"Not to question your judgment," Nabiki said, "but… if you were sure, then why didn't you test the theory? Why did you kiss something else instead?"

"Just a hunch," Ranma said. "Things didn't feel right. I got a funny feeling that if I went for the obvious, I'd regret it."

"You sensed a trap."

"Maybe," Ranma replied guardedly.

"We're all trapped, if someone doesn't rescue the Prince," Ukyo added. "You should've just kissed it, whatever it was."

"You'll get your chance," Ranma said. "Then you can do it."

"Thank you," Ukyo said. "I will. The sooner we get out of here, the better."

"Why won't you describe it to us?" Akane asked.

"Because," Octava replied, "she doesn't have to."

The witch appeared in a puff of smoke. Nabiki checked her watch. "One hour thirty seven minutes," she said. "Octava wins."

"You!" the witch said, stabbing a finger at Kohana. "The girl in the very stylish witch's hat. You're a much better choice than the brainless redhead anyway. It's your turn!"

Kohana raised an eyebrow. "My turn for what?"

"To attempt to free the Prince of course!" Licorice exclaimed. "That is why you're here, after all. Do try to keep up."

"Yes," Kohana said. "Only, as I recall, you said only one person per day may make the attempt, at Noon."

The witch laughed nervously. "Oh my, did I say that? I meant once per hour, of course. After all, there are a lot of objects in there. We don't want to make it too hard on you! Change of plans! Some of us don't have all week to wait around!"

"Very well," Kohana said, standing. She glanced down. "Do I get to bring the bunny as well?"

"Bunny-san has seen all he needs to of that room," the rabbit muttered darkly.

The girls waited. The witch waited as well, with considerably less patience. She tapped her feet. She checked her pocket watch. She crossed her arms and turned her eyes to the ceiling.

"Finally!" she exclaimed, as the large doors began to swing open. 'I was beginning to wonder..."

Her voice died away. In the doorway stood Kohana, with a young blue-skinned girl in tow.

"This is Matcha," she said. "I've rescued her. At least, temporarily."

"But... that's not the Prince!" the witch exclaimed.

Kohana shrugged. "Sorry. I guess I wasn't able to solve the riddle."

"What? How could you possible not…" the witch began. She paused and laughed nervously. "I mean… of course you couldn't! It's much too clever. Ha ha ha ha ha! You shall all fail, and then you will be doomed forever. DOOMED!"

The witch spun and pointed at Nabiki. "YOU!"

Nabiki blinked. "Moi?"

"Yes, you. You seem to be the smartest of the group. Intelligence is good. You'll go next."

"But it hasn't even been an hour…."

"Get in there now!" the witch screamed.

"Okay, okay." Nabiki said. "Don't have a coronary. I'm going."

Nabiki stepped through the door, which closed and locked behind her. She walked down the hallway and into the large, curio-filled room. Immediately objects began to call out to her.

"Kiss me, Baby! I got what you want right here!"

"I'm your Prince, Precious Girl! Gimme some o' dat hot lovin'!"

Nabiki ignored the chattering furniture and objects, including the floor rug that said, "Oh, yes! Walk all over me! That's the way I like it!" She noticed bright yellow arrows on the floor. Ranma hadn't mentioned those – had they been added since?

Nabiki followed the arrows around a corner. She stopped and stared.

They'd seen paintings of Prince Rum Raisin back in the town. Ahead of Nabiki was a stone statue in the shape of the Prince. Michelangelo himself could not have carved a better likeness. The statue held a bottle of rum in one hand, and a cup of raisins in the other, apparently on the off-chance that someone might not recognize the Prince of the kingdom, who stood taller than anyone else they'd met and whose image was plastered on money and postage stamps. But just in case even that was too subtle a clue, there were flashing neon signs pointing to him with the words "Prince right here!" and "This is it!" in bright lights. Top billing in Las Vegas wouldn't guarantee you a better marque.

"Good grief," Nabiki said. "Someone needs a crash course in the art of understatement."

Five minutes later the doors opened. The witch looked up, a hopeful expression in her face. Her look soured as she saw the strange little man who followed Nabiki out.

"Sorry, I just couldn't figure this one out," Nabiki said. She appeared to be struggling to keep a straight face. "I was so very certain that the giant statue in the corner of the two polar bears engaged in… er… lovemaking… was in fact the right one..."

"THAT?" the witch choked out. "But… but… I place a sign on that one! Didn't you see the sign?"

""Oh, yes," Nabiki said. "I saw it. It said 'This is not the Prince' in big letters."

The witch's face turned a bright purple. Steam seemed to be escaping her ears. "And you're telling me that you chose it anyway?"

Nabiki shrugged. "Well, of course," she said. "I thought it was a clever ruse."

She didn't add, But that would require a clever villain.

The witch immediately sent in Sachiko. She too, emerged with someone other than the Prince. Shampoo followed, but she also failed. When Ukyo's turn was over she emerged pale and shaken.

"Ukyo! What happened?"

"I… I had to use the restroom…" Ukyo said, voice trembling. "It was horrible! I... I'd rather not talk about it."

"I am so very grateful, though," the old woman who followed her out said. "I would have never expected anyone to free me, given that you had to kiss a..."

"I SAID I'D RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT IT," Ukyo growled threateningly.

"You girls are doing this on purpose!" the witch screamed. "You... you're making a mockery of this whole event! You're having fun at my expense! I will not stand for it!"

"Excuse me," Nabiki said icily, "but you did say that this would be difficult. We are trying our best to rescue the Prince..."

"No you're not!" the witch said accusingly. "You aren't trying hard enough!"

"If I remember correctly," Nabiki said, "the rules are very straightforward. Each of us gets a chance. If we all fail, then we will be turned into objects and trapped here forever. Isn't that right?"

"That's right! So, as you see, you need to try harder..."

Nabiki smiled. "Then why are you so angry? So far, you're winning."

"Don't you know anything?" the witch hissed. "The evil witch isn't supposed to win! That's how it always goes, isn't it? The magical girls always triumph in the end! You girls aren't trying hard enough to triumph!"

"The important phrase being 'in the end'," Nabiki countered. "After all, there's no suspense in winning immediately, is there? The heroes are always pushed to the brink of defeat before final victory. I mean, if Gandalf had been able to blow up Sauron and Mordor with the push of his "I WIN" button, the Lord of the Rings would have been a very short and not very compelling story. Am I right?"

The witch glared daggers at Nabiki. "When you fail," she hissed, "I have a very special doom in mind for you. I shall transform you into the most foul and disgusting object ever known to man!"

"That's the spirit!" Nabiki said, smiling sweetly. "Now, who's next?"

"There will be no 'next'!" the witch growled. "We are done for today. I shall have the servants bring you dinner, and we will resume this pointless charade in the morning with the four of you that are left. However, I do strongly suggest that you girls think long and hard on what awaits you should you continue to fail so spectacularly!"

With a puff of smoke, the witch was gone.

XXX

As promised, servants soon arrived bearing trays of food. There were dark chocolate cakes, white frosting cakes, orange and lemon cakes, and cakes with strawberries and kiwi. There were apple, peach, and blackberry pies, and even pumpkin, pecan, and rhubarb pies. There were punch bowls with ice cream floating in them, and ice cream sundaes with every topping you might want. There were rootbeer floats, and milkshakes, and cookies and tarts and cheesecake.

The girls stared at the tables piled high with desserts of every kind. "Is there any regular food?" Ukyo asked.

"Whatcha talkin' 'bout, Spatula Girl?" Octava said. "This is regular food! Yum!" Wasting no time, the bunny began to stuff his face.

One servant, a short blue-skinned girl in a maid's outfit, curtsied nervously. "In what way do you mean, Princess?' she asked. "Your bunny is right; this is regular food."

"You know," Ranma said. She waved a hand. "Meat. Fish. Rice. Soup. Sandwiches."

"Okonomiyaki," Ukyo added.

"That's all good stuff too," Octava said.

"Chinese noodle," Shampoo offered. After a moment, she reconsidered this. "Peking duck," she said, in the hopes that they might be served exactly what they asked for.

"Sukiyaki," Ranma continued, instantly picking up on Shampoo's new theory. "Curry. Teriyaki. Pizza…."

"Oh, that," the waiter said. "You mean dessert. But it's against the law to eat dessert first. At least, it is at any official, government-supplied banquet."

"Isn't this dessert?"

"No, Miss," the maid said. "This is the main course."

"Wait a second. This is government supplied?" Nabiki asked.

"Of course. It is a gift from Queen Licorice Swirl."

Ranma shrugged. "Dessert, main course – I ain't gonna argue." She grabbed a slice of cake and began stuffing her face.

'Works for me!" Akela exclaimed, reaching for a slice of pie. The other girls joined in, and even the five locals that they'd recently freed joined them. Nabiki stared at the food a moment longer.

"What's this one called?" she asked, pointing to a tray of candies.

"Ah," the maid said. "That is Turkish Delight.

"Very traditional wicked witch food, that is," said an old man known as Caramel Crunch. "The Queen always likes to have some Turkish Delight handy."

"Listen to her," an old woman, the one Ukyo had set free, muttered. "Calling herself Queen. Who does she think she is?"

"Well, you know, Honey Vanilla," said Caramel. "She is our Queen, after all."

"Not for long," Akane said. "Don't you worry, just as soon as we've freed your Prince..."

"Oh, she'll still be Queen," Caramel said.

"Not if we defeat her," replied Akane.

"Oh, but that won't stop her from being Queen," he said. "Stands to reason, her being mother of the Prince and all."

There was a short pause as the Anything Goes girls took this in.

"Wait a second," Nabiki said. "Licorice Swirl is Prince Rum Raisin's mother?"

"Oh, yes," Caramel said. "People don't like to be reminded of that, on account of her being evil and crazy and all. But, yes. Of course she's our Queen."

"She ain't no Queen of mine," Matcha grumbled. "My ruler is Prince Rum Raisin. And Mayor Toffee Crisp, of course."

Nabiki placed a hand to her temple. "Wait. Wait. This is suddenly making sense, and it's giving me a headache. So let me guess. Mayor Crisp is... wait for it, don't tell me... Prince Rum Raisin's father?"

Caramel beamed. "That's right!"

"So we've been drug across time and space and forced to wear these ridiculous outfits and spout ridiculous phrases, all in an attempt... to settle a domestic dispute?"

"Well, there's a lot more to it than that..." the old man began.

"Wait, I'm confused," Ranma said. "Why would the Queen kidnap her own son?"

"Ah, well, that was to keep him from marrying Princess Blackberry Jubilee," Matcha said. "On account of her being so short."

"Everybody in this stupid country is short!" Nabiki exploded. The locals stared at her. She added, "Well, sorry, but it is true."

"Now, now, not completely true," the man replied. "Licorice Swirl is quite tall, and Prince Rum Raisin is nearly as tall as his mother."

"Now it's all starting to make sense," Ukyo said. "This is all an elaborate ruse to marry her son off to someone taller than any of the locals…."

"And a magical girl, to boot!" the man exclaimed delightedly. "I'm no fan of the Queen, but you can't deny it's a stroke of genius!"

"You shouldn't ought to keep calling her that," Honey Vanilla grumbled. "Calling her Queen. Bound to go to her head."

There was a puff of smoke, and Licorice Swirl stood before them – this time wearing a silver crown instead of her witch's hat.

"It is true!" she declared. "I am your Queen!"

"Well, I didn't vote for you," the woman grumbled.

"Yes, well," Caramel said, "you don't vote for Queen, do you?"

"Of course not!" the Queen snapped. "Don't be preposterous! With my magic, I subdued the four winged serpents of the mountains, who had plagued these lands for millennia, and enslaved them to my will alone. In doing so I saved your people, and incidentally brought under my control the means to keep you from rebelling against me. That is why I'm your Queen!"

"Huh!" the old woman muttered. "As if enchanting serpents is any basis for a system of government…."

"Silence!" the witch commanded.

"All I'm saying," the woman continued, "is that the ability to charm overgrown snakes hardly grants you governmental authority... I mean if I was to say I was Queen, just because a giant lizard failed to eat me..."

Licorice Swirl gestured in the air, uttering several strange words. There was a flash of light and smoke. On the chair where the woman had been sitting was a small statue of a winged serpent.

"I was wondering when you'd do that," Nabiki said.

"I do hate people who go on so," the witch replied. "And now..." In a puff of smoke, she was gone.

The servants brought in the "dessert" which did indeed consist of what might normally be considered main courses. Mind you, they were mostly still on the sweet side – candied yams, fish smothered with pineapple-pear salsa, sweet and sour spare ribs, chicken in a very sweet barbeque sauce, and pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream on top.

Ranma shrugged. "Works for me," she said, and dug in.

"So," Nabiki said as they ate, "the witch – sorry, the Queen – has a thing for tall people?"

"Oh, yes," Caramel replied. "She hates short people. Absolutely detests them. She does make an exception for the Mayor, of course, although when she's around he is forced to wear platform boots."

Nabiki frowned. "She hates short people? Wouldn't that mean she hates all of her subjects?"

"It certainly does!" The man gestured with a fork full of food. "Why did you think she had us transformed into strange objects? Not because she likes us!"

"But... a Queen that hates all of her subjects?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "It just seems a bit perverse."

"Why should it?" Caramel asked. "I always thought that was quite a common trait in politicians. It's almost a part of the job description: must hate your constituents."

"He's got you there," Octava the bunny said.

"Good point," Nabiki replied. "I take it that Licorice Swirl is not her real name?"

"Why... no, it isn't," the man said. "She changed it after she became Queen. But how did you know?"

"Just a guess," Nabiki said. "She's not from around here, is she? I assume everyone is tall where she's from."

"That's right. She comes from Fudge Island. They're very tall there."

"Why hasn't she sought out a Princess from Fudge Island then?"

"Ah. Well, there are no Princesses on Fudge Island," Caramel said. "It's not a kingdom, it's a democracy. The Queen hates that. We broke off diplomatic relations over that."

"What, you broke diplomatic relations because they're a democracy?"

"Yes, and for their refusal to revert to a monarchy."

The girls pondered this for a second.

"That," said Octava, "is remarkably dumb."

"Yes, well, that's the Queen for you," Caramel replied.

"Huh," Ranma said. "I take it all the people on Fudge Island are purple?"

"What?" Caramel Crunch said. "Oh, no, they're blue like normal. Only Licorice Swirl is purple. It has something to do with a bad spell that she cast when she was young."

"But there must be more purple people about," Ranma said.

"Must there?" the man replied. "Why?"

"Because! I… that is, down in the town, I met this creature… well, the head of this creature…."

"Oh," Caramel said. "You mean the purple people eater!"

"Exactly!" Ranma said. "But how could such a creature exist if there were no purple people to eat? Or did it already eat the rest of them up?"

"You misunderstand," Caramel said. "The purple people eater is not a natural beast. It is a magical construct. The Grand Wizard Nutty Coconut created it specifically to eat Licorice Swirl. It took him nearly two years to bring the thing to life, but once he did, it kept the witch in check. Before that she had plagued us for years. Nobody could stand up to her."

"It 'kept her in check'?" Ranma repeated. "So it didn't actually eat her?"

"Oh, it ate her all right. Several times in fact." When he saw their blank expressions Caramel added, "You see, when it eats her, she is imprisoned in its body for up to a week. But eventually she's let out, only to be eaten again when she tries to create trouble."

Ranma stared at the little man for a long moment.

"Your country is weird," Ranma said. "You know that, don't you?"

"Tell me about it," the man said.

"So let me see if I've got this straight," Nabiki said. "This witch comes along and tames these dragons... I'm sorry, I mean winged licorice serpents... she renames herself Licorice Swirl and sets herself up as your Queen... her control of the serpents allows her to exert her will... then the Grand Wizard creates this 'purple people eater' creature to counter her power..."

"Yes, that's all correct," Caramel said.

Nabiki asked, "How did we get to the part where she's married to the Mayor, and the purple people eater is a head mounted on a wall?"

"Ah. Well, Toffee Crisp felt sorry for Licorice Swirl. You see, she had visited here once before, when they were both young, so he knew her from that time. He always had a soft spot for her and hated to see that creature of Nutty Coconut's eat her up. So, he slew the creature and mounted the head and placed it in the town lodge. As an added curse, the witch placed a book where the creature could read it, but forbid anyone to turn the pages, so that it would spend eternity wondering how the story ended."

"That's... sadistic," Nabiki said.

"Oh yes. The witch can be quite creative when it comes to cruelty," said Caramel. "And after that, Toffee and Licorice got married."

"And lived happily ever after?" Ranma asked.

"Well, of course not," Caramel said. "She was still a wicked witch, after all. She's always had a nasty, evil streak. But we've learned to expect that sort of thing from a politician. And then, of course, there was always the hope that Prince Rum Raisin would grow up to be a much better ruler..."

"I'm sure he will be," Nabiki said. "We just need to free him, while avoiding getting married to him..."

To Be Continued