Peeta
Since being back, I feel closer to my friends. I've made an effort to reach out to Annie more. It meant that Finnick and I finally had a conversation and agreed to let bygones be bygones. I assured him that I was sorry for betraying him. He was all too willing to let it go, especially since he doesn't want me to keep my distance from Annie, she misses me, and I assure him that I miss her just as much. I don't know that we'll ever be close friends but I feel better for apologizing. It took me time to comprehend what Gale was talking about, my actions, as sincere and genuine as they are, have the power to hurt people.
Johanna has stopped coming to my bed. I know she's is amicable with Ivy, and I know she cares deeply about my relationship with Ivy because she knows what a huge step it is for me. I miss her madly at night, and I do wake up looking for her often. Ivy has thankfully been more than understanding when I wake up from my night terrors screaming Johanna or Annie's names. She knows that she has nothing to worry about, she also doesn't know how far Johanna and I went, but I am not prepared to tell her and I'm not convinced that she needs to know. I don't ever want to hurt her again, and Johanna herself pointed out that our sleeping together already hurt Finnick, there is no need to hurt Ivy with it. It doesn't sit well with me, but I chose not to think about it too much. I let it go.
As for Ivy and I, well, since we made love and found this new intimacy, we're insatiable. Every single one of our friends has walked in on us because we shamelessly give into each other no matter where we are. If we think for a second we're alone, and we feel that yearning we lose all logic. Thankfully our friends have been more than understanding.
Ivy and I sit around with the rest of our friends for social hour and Silas can't resist bringing up mine and Ivy's lack of propriety.
"So, show of hands, who's sick and tired walking in on Ivy and Peeta?" Ivy buries her head in my shoulder and laughs and we notice that everyone raises their hands except Silas. This makes us shoot him an inquisitive look.
"What?" Silas asks menacingly. "I just wanted to know." Everyone else looks at him. "I don't have a problem with it. It's hot…" Everyone groans in disgust except Johanna who laughs at his comment and in turn, he looks at her approvingly.
Delly shoots him a dirty look and he responds again.
"Whatever, I'm not the one laying my ass on every surface of your apartment." He protests to Delly.
"Hey, don't talk like that!" Ivy smacks his arm.
He playfully rolls his eyes. "Whatever, it's true."
"You're one to talk Silas, how many times have I caught you with random girls in our place. Yeah, Peeta, you've missed quite the displays since you're at Ivy's all the time." Nathan points out to me.
I notice that Silas glares at Nathan, and he quickly glances at Johanna, who doesn't seem to react or care about Nathan's disclosure.
Then Silas mentions it casually before moving on with another topic of conversation. "Peeta you're always with Ivy, you two should just move in."
For some reason the idea hits me hard, but it's sinking in, and I like the idea. So later that night, as I lay in Ivy's bed, I decide to take a chance.
"Ivy let's move in together." I tell her earnestly.
She's shocked and speechless. "Peeta…" She looks startled and I begin to feel nervous. Shit, what if she's not there, what if it's not what she wants. I've been going on and on about going slow and I throw this her way. My body begins to feel hot as a result of the panic that begins to run through me.
She then begins to laugh. "Yes!" She screams and she throws her arms around me and engulfs me with kisses. After we make love, we begin to discuss it some more.
"Can we?" Ivy asks.
"What do you mean?" I ask still afraid that she'll change her mind about moving in with an unhinged man.
"Well, Peeta, 13 is made up of a ton of regulations and processes to do anything… what if we can't do it, because – well who knows…" She points out.
It's all a good point but I still feel nervous. "Do you really want to?" I ask her again.
She looks me in the eye and smiles. "Of course I do." She reaches for the back of my head and pulls me down towards her lips where her lips and tongue greet me. "I'm sorry, I'm being rational, don't confuse that with reluctance or doubt."
"Okay." I take a deep sigh of relief.
"What about you – do you really want to live with me?" Ivy asks.
"Yes." I laugh at her question. "I'm convinced more and more every day. And I'll see what we have to figure out. Finnnick and Annie moved in together before they married, like us we have no blood family, we only have each other. We're together, we love each other, and we'll marry too.." The moment I say this Ivy sits up and stares at me in amazement. "What?" I ask.
"You want to get married?" She asks.
"That's always been the plan Ivy. It's what I'm working towards, the reason I'm fighting, getting better, to build a future for this country, where I can I have a family… you and me – and our children." As I say to her I realize that I'm verbalizing my deepest thoughts. I take her hands in mine. "It's strange isn't it, it's the same dreams we had since we were 16 years old, we are no longer the same, yet that's still what I want." I swallow and look her in the eye nervously. "Is that what you want?" I ask her.
She laughs again and she looks deliriously happy. "Of course it is… I just didn't know if we would get here."
"I guess we did." I say to her and I cup her face with my hand to pull her beautiful lips towards mine. I kiss her deeply. She then lets out a celebratory squeal in my mouth and she throws her arms around me.
"Look, I'll talk about it at our Victor Meeting tomorrow." I roll my eyes at the thought of the next meeting, the meetings really revolve around Coin and Plutarch prodding into our business. But, if I can use these meetings to overstep 13's strict rules and regulations I'll do it.
I am uncharacteristically late to the meeting, mine and Ivy's celebratory lovemaking from last night made me oversleep and now I'm terribly late, probably not good since I'm about to make a personal request to Coin. When I walk in, everyone seems anxious about my whereabouts and Johanna was about to step out to look for me. The moment I walk in, everyone exhales with relief, I notice that Katniss lets herself fall back into her chair and she bends over to breathe. Even John looks scared.
"Peeta! Damn it where were you?! We looked for you at the gym, your quarters, I even went to the clinic in case you had checked yourself in…" John berates me and it's the first time I've seen him angry at me but I'm too happy to take this concern seriously because if they only knew…
"I'm sorry I scared you, and I'm even sorrier that I'm late." I tell Coin who merely looks inconvenienced by my delay but I muster a charming and sheepish smile. She seems satisfied and she finally looks like she relaxes.
"Where were you Peeta?" Coin asks.
"I was in my girlfriend's quarters." I say sincerely.
"I told you." Johanna exclaims, sounding exasperated.
"Well you owe us an explanation for making everyone wait." Coin pushes. I'm really annoyed because it's not like anything important ever goes on in these meetings but today is not the day to point out that I could care less about the Mockingjay's latest propo. I'm suddenly distracted by Gale's tapping pen on the table, clearly he's just as annoyed by the delay as Coin.
"I'm sorry, I simply overslept."
"You need to be conscientious of your schedule and plan your social life accordingly." Coin tells me.
"Oh please, he's young and lost track of time with his girl, it's not a big deal. Can we just move on." Haymitch protests. I'm startled because this is the most I've heard him say since I joined these meetings. He's mostly quiet, which I'm grateful for since it makes it possible for me to forget he's here. Our eyes meet for a second and I look away but not before I feel his presence shake me up.
I don't know why but the nerves make me speak without really thinking. "I'm sorry Coin, we we're celebrating." I say and as soon as I do I notice that Gale's tapping pen stops and I look in his direction and our eyes meet. He seems genuinely curious.
"What were you celebrating?" Coin asks and I take a deep breath because it begins, prying into our personal lives. As much as I hate it, I'll have to participate if I'm to convince her to let me move in with Ivy.
I smile charmingly at her. "Actually I wanted to talk to you about it, I'm not sure what the procedures or regulations are…" I begin and Coin suddenly perks up and looks genuinely interested. "Ivy and I want to live together." I say, I immediately notice that Katniss let her body fall back into the back of her chair, which makes me look in her direction, and our eyes meet. She looks haunted and I'm unsettled by the look in her eye. I turn to Coin and I notice that she's staring at Katniss too, and she actually has a genuine smile on her face. This unsettles me even more. "Anyway." I say it firmly so that Coin looks at me again. "I'm not sure what the rules are or what we have to request…"
"Peeta I think that's great and I 'm extremely happy for you." She tells me uncharacteristically cheerful. I'm taken aback a little but I feel relief and a genuine smile comes to me. I look around and Johanna smiles back at me, even Finnick offers me a warm smile, then I see John's face. He looks shocked and concerned.
"John, as my doctor, do you think it's a bad idea, do you think Ivy would be at risk?" I ask genuinely concerned. His opinion is very important to me.
He looks at me thoughtfully and I can see that he forces a smile to his face. "No Peeta, I mean, I'm concerned with everything that you do, but the fact that you show concern, only signals your continuous progress." He tells me.
"Peeta why do you want to live together?" Coin asks, in what I think is a sweet tone. It sounds strange coming from her and as I turn back to her, I notice Katniss shoot her a resentful glare.
I laugh at the question since it seems silly and it should be obvious. "Because we love each other." I tell her. "we have plans for a future together and I just want her close." I say. She smiles looking very satisfied. Once again, I realize that she's doing this at Katniss's expense and I'm really upset because once again they are making something very personal of mine all about Katniss. I find myself glaring at Coin but I'm startled by Katniss's remark.
"Considering we already wasted so much time this morning, and seeing that we are going to talk about Peeta's personal life, I'm going to return to training." She stands up and heads towards the door.
"You're training? Wow – finally." Coin says and Katniss stops at the door as she opens it. She turns around and gives Coin a deadly stare, she then proceeds to exit.
Coin looks at me and I can see it instantly, she doesn't seem all that interested in my news anymore and proceeds to talk to me. "Yes, there's no restrictions against cohabitating even if you're not married. There's paperwork, you and Ivy can file it with the District planning department, and just await transfer to your new quarters. Also, you are prohibited from having children at the moment, because of the war."
"Okay." I say feeling startled by her thoroughness. We proceed with the meeting with other topics.
Katniss
I wake up to the sensation of cold water hitting my body and I gasp for air. I look up and I see both Finnick and Johanna's faces, then I feel that Finnick is shaking me. I finally gasp and he abruptly pulls me form the shower by lifting me in his arms and carrying me out of the bathroom. Over his shoulder I can see Johanna's annoyed face.
"See she's fine, Finnick. She could have just slept it off." She says as she shakes my bottle of morphling.
"Johanna shut up, the bottle was empty." Finnick shoots back at her.
"I'm telling you it was not a full bottle." She assures him.
"And how would you know that?!" He protests.
"You know how." She mumbles.
In the middle of their quarrel, I remember what happened again. Instead of going to training I ran to my room so that I could let the sobs take over, I then proceeded to take pills, I just wanted to sleep the pain off.
I begin to cry again and Finnick notices. He then stops arguing with Johanna and holds me instead.
"Johanna, would you get her some dry clothes please." Finnick asks sweetly. I can hear Johanna's steps. He then whispers into my ear. "I know baby, I know." And I know that he does, and the feeling of his sentiment makes me cry harder.
Finally I hear Johanna walk back. I remind myself that I need to be strong, especially around her. When I look up at her, she looks stunned. I take the clothes from her. "Thank you." I stand up and strip off my clothes and put on my dry clothes. Then I see it, Johanna came back holding a parachute, and I see Finnick staring at it, looking horrified. I immediately yank it out of Johanna's hand. "Do you mind!" I yell at her.
"I opened it." Johanna tells me as if it were a confession. "It took me a few minutes but I remembered, it's the pearl he gave you in that hell hole."
The moment she says it I begin to cry again, because it was a hell hole and Peeta, my boy with the bread, once again found beauty and gave it to me. I grab the pearl and I'm furious suddenly, I go to throw it, but I fall to my knees instead. I cup it instead and hold it close.
"You love him." Johanna says, not really questioning me, more like she's making a realization aloud.
I finally stand up and go sit down on the couch. I put the pearl back in the parachute and close it.
"I wasn't sure, then after talking to Peeta in the Capitol, I thought it was in fact all an act on your part. But of course he was confused by then. I'm sorry today must have been very hard on you." She tells me, and I'm shocked by her sincerity.
"I wasn't sure, then after talking to Peeta in the Capitol, I thought it was in fact all an act on your part. But of course he was confused by then. I'm sorry today must have been very hard on you." She tells me, and I'm shocked by her sincerity. "Why haven't you told him?
I laugh at her remark. "Johanna – he tried to kill me, he's constantly in danger of going off and killing me, he can't stand me, I make him anxious, he's perception of me is completely skewed!" My voice continues to elevate. "Tell me, when am I supposed to tell him that after everything we went through, that I fell in love with him in the middle of all of it, that maybe I always loved him but I was too afraid to get close to him, that I waited too long…" I shut up and look away and try to collect myself.
"Were you two lovers?" Johanna asks.
"Yes – not at first but – we inevitably went there, because I finally allowed it. I wanted him, I had wanted him for a long time but I kept putting up boundaries to protect myself."
"He needs to know Katniss." Johanna insists.
"No! He doesn't" I glare at her.
"So you're just going to lie to him."
"I'm not lying to him, he has no memory of it, the thought of me only hurts him. He's confused enough as it is, I'm not going to come in and tell him…" I begin to explain but Johanna interrupts me.
"You're not going tell him the truth?" She protests. "I love Peeta, and I like Ivy, and yes they do love each other. But Peeta is moving on from a traumatic past, where he believes that the person that was most precious to him didn't give a damn about him. That's not right, Katniss." Johanna explains to me, clearly trying to contain her temper.
I feel annoyed at her attempt to simplify this whole situation. "You know what Johanna, I cared about him, I gave a damn about him, and I loved him but bottom line I treated him like I didn't give a damn. Haymitch treated him like his life wasn't worth a damn in comparison to mine. Actions speak louder than words Johanna. I don't deserve him." I stand up and begin to pace around.
"Katniss you were going to die for him, just like he was willing to die for you." Finnick interjects.
I look at him and laugh. "After your wedding Peeta wanted to speak to me." I look at their faces and they look shocked, they didn't know. I nod yes. "I pointed out to him that my plan was to make sure he won the quell, he pointed out that I would have had to die if that happened, and I told him I was fully aware of that. I assured him that was what I wanted. He didn't have to say it, I saw it on his face, he didn't believe me. In fact he admitted it, he is incapable of believing anything I say." I sigh feeling defeated. I look at Johanna now. "So tell me, what is the point of telling him that I love him madly, that I did back then? All it would do is potentially set him off and I'd only hurt myself more. I'm not going to do that to us or to myself."
Johanna nods. "I'm not going to say anything. But, did you ever tell him? What if he remembers the truth?"
I stare at her and I can't contain the hope that I have brewing deep inside of me. "Johanna, if he remembers, I have no doubt he'll come back to me."
"Remember what?" Johanna asks.
"What we felt to be together, to finally give in to each other…" I stare at her and I can't contain the happiness that I feel when I remember what we shared.
"Sex? Is that what you think…" Johanna begins to protest as if she's about to berate for something but Finnick interrupts her.
"No, Johanna." He tells her sharply. "In the Quell, Peeta told me that he knew Katniss was in love with him, she didn't have to say it. He knew."
I interrup Finnick because I don't like the sentiment behind Johanna's protest. I'm not naïve, I'm not confusing sex and love. "Johanna if he remembers what if felt like to be with me, more importantly that I felt the same way he did all along – It means he'll get better, and we'll get close again." I assure her.
"What if he remember but it doesn't change anything?" She asks me.
"I don't want to think about that." I answer defensively. "Besides, I know he'll come back."
Johanna looks exasperated but she looks away from me and she closes her eyes. "I have to go, I have therapy." She stands up and leaves me alone with Finnick.
After Johanna leaves Finnick turns to me. "What if she's right, what if he does remember everything and all his confusion is cleared up but it doesn't change anything for him?"
"Finnick." I say warningly but I take a deep breath. "You don't understand – nobody understands the bond that we have."