Chapter Thirty-Six: Clarifications
We return to the fire pit. Everyone has taken a seat in a circle and Dorian now has quite the audience for his tale. I end up sitting in between Tenebris and Iron Bull. With two such tall figures next to me, I feel my smallish stature more than usual, but I have a feeling I know what Dorian is about to say, and I want my brother close.
"So Dorian," Declan starts. "You've translated more of the ancient Tevinter artifacts?"
"Yes, Inquisitor, and I must say, I'm finding them to be a most fascinating read. Ferox and her family...the goddess Ferox, that is," he pauses, looking at me and Tenebris, "are turning out to be quite the characters."
"Oh? Do tell," Josephine comments, leaning forward. Great. More questions will be coming, I just know it. I look at Varric, sad that we're not sitting together. He looks up and meets my eyes. I smile at him, and he gives one back, but a small muscle near his cheek twitches, giving away his tension. Later, I promise myself. I'll corner that damned dwarf and find out what happened.
"Yes, I missed the actual telling last time, but I'm eager to hear more about this Destroyer," Cullen adds, and I look in his direction. The corner of one lip turns upward.
Dorian grins, "Well, then you'll be disappointed. The next section wasn't about her, it's about one of the other gods."
"Which one?" Hawke asks.
"I saw another familiar name - Tenebris," he says, his eyes flicking to my brother, then back to me. "Am I going to find more names I know, Ferox?"
"Probably. If the artifacts mention Ferox and Tenebris, I'm sure the others are there too. My other two brothers are named Etiam and Lucis."
"Your family was consistent, at least. You know, those words all have meanings in ancient Tevene. Ferox, for example, means 'wild'. Kind of appropriate, given the description, wouldn't you say?"
"What do the artifacts say about the ancient Tenebris?" Declan asks.
"The text refers to him as the Darkness - which, by the way is what the name Tenebris translates to - and it says he was the youngest of four gods. After that, it seems to contradict itself. Some of the passages describe him as a phantom, something the people discussed in hushed whispers to avoid calling his attention. Others praise him for helping the people, teaching them the gift of magic. But not just regular magic, blood magic. The last section I read suggested he may have also raised the dead."
"Necromancy and blood magic? No wonder he was feared," Leliana comments. Cullen cuts me a look, his eyes narrowing. I try to keep my features steady.
"These artifacts predate the Chantry, correct?" Cassandra questions, her voice cutting across the way.
Dorian nods.
"Then it was before the Chantry forbade the use of blood magic and established the Circles," Hawke adds. "They wouldn't technically be malefecarum at that time."
Vivienne makes a sound of derision.
Tenebris smiles, "Understanding the darker arts also helps to protect against them, to create a better strategy for defense against those who seek to do harm." Our tagline with these people. I pat his leg in support.
We eat our dinner, another meal of dried meat and fruits. I sigh, missing the food at Declan's table at Skyhold. They could keep the wine, of course, but his taste in food had always been excellent.
Afterwards, I leave my brother and walk a bit around camp. I see Leliana setting up her small cage of ravens outside what is clearly to be her tent. I walk over, looking at them, their soft black feathers reflecting the firelight.
"Hello Ferox," Leliana greets, polite as always. "Do you like birds?"
"I've always loved them. I envy them, in a way, their freedom."
"You don't feel free?" she asks.
"Not like they do. Haven't you ever wondered what it must be like to fly, to soar through the sky with wings of your own, looking down on the world? That would truly be free."
She surprises me by smiling. Have I finally done something right with her? "I think I understand now. How you got the others to trust you."
Ouch, that stings. "And you're so reluctant to let people in. It must be lonely, to see a world full of potential threats instead of just potential."
She frowns at my words, not bothering to hide her expression this time.
"Goodnight, Leliana. Pleasant dreams." I walk away from her, intent now on finding Varric. I hope with the way that he's been acting today that he's still willing to share a tent with me tonight. I know he said we'd figure it out, but we haven't really spoken much since his talk with Leliana.
I see Hawke sitting with Dorian and Tenebris. Hawke sees my expression on the way over to him, and grins. "His tent is the fourth one down on the right."
"Thanks. You always seem to get it, Hawke." I immediately feel better. Tenebris rolls his eyes.
I find the tent, and the flap is already closed. I approach the front of it, listening for sounds from inside that might indicate if he's inside already, but don't hear any right away. "Varric?" I call softly.
The flap opens and he holds it for me to duck inside. I see that there are two bedrolls inside, but only one has been unrolled, already telling me a bit about his thoughts.
I sit on the the open one, and pat the spot next to me. "Please talk to me about whatever this is, Varric. Have I done something?"
He sighs, and sits, leaving a little distance between us. "Nightingale pointed something out to me, something I hadn't thought of before."
"Ah. Yeah, I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me too much...but I'm listening."
"She called me 'the weak link in the Inquisition'. I'm not normally one to let my emotions get in the way of doing what I need to, but she made me realize I might have been blind to things."
"Blind to what, exactly?" I ask, worried about what he's going to say.
"She pointed out that you've gotten close with the others in the Inquisition, too. That maybe I didn't see things clearly."
I feel like he just punched me. I clench my fists, and scowl at him, trying to calm my reaction to this. I take a deep breath. "I'm going to ignore, for a minute, what you must think about me to say something like that, because I think I know what this is really about."
His eyes raise to my face, and he exhales. "And what's that?"
"Cole was right earlier. You don't think you're good enough."
He frowns, but I keep going.
"It can't be possible that I care about you, no, I must be interested because of your position in the Inquisition. Damn it, Varric, have I ever asked you for Inquisition secrets? Have I not put my own safety on the line to try to help?"
His forehead wrinkles, and a muscle in his jaw ticks. Guilt? Good.
"Leliana's just frustrated that she can't figure me out. Of course she can't find my background, when she's only looking twenty or thirty years ago! I'm way older than that. And if anything, I only stayed with the Inquisition because of you - taking a serious risk of hurting my family to do so, mind you - and now you want to be an idiot about it. I never wanted you for your position or influence...I just wanted you." A single tear finds its way out my eye unbidden. I furiously swipe it away and steel my nerves. "You know, I think I'll find somewhere else to sleep tonight." I stand up and move toward the flap of the tent.
He gets up. "Wait. Please, Ferox."
The word 'please' makes me stop, and I turn back to look at him.
"You're right...about all of it. This was about me, not you. Shit, I always seem to mess this up...will you stay?"
I hesitate. "I want to. I'm trying to understand, but it hurts that you didn't trust me."
"I'm sorry, Firefly. Even if you can't forgive me yet...please don't leave." His voice cracks, telling me how much that simple request costs him.
My resolve falls apart, the same way it always does where he's concerned. I step closer to him, and reach out to touch his face. "Varric, look me." He does, and I see the uncertainty in his expression. I sigh. "I wish you could see yourself the way I do. You've always been a hero in my eyes."
He frowns. "What are you saying?"
"That underneath all the bullshit, the stories, the lies, you've always been enough. The real you, just as you are. I'll forgive you this time, but don't let fear drive us apart again like that. You need to trust me. Trust this." I link my fingers with his.
"That's just it, I've never had anything like this before, and it scares the shit out of me," he admits. "I convinced myself it was too good to be true."
"It's good for me, as well. Not too good, just good. I had different plans too, you know, but they all went out the window when a stubborn dwarf kissed me under the stars at Caer Bronach. I don't want this to end, do you?"
"Never."
"Good. So no more nonsense about you not being good enough. You're exactly what I want."
I kiss him. I sense his hesitation and tension, but it quickly melts away and he's crushing me to his chest. I break off the kiss quickly, take his hand and place it over my heart.
"Do you feel my heart racing? You do that to me. No one else."
His lips are back, firm and insistent, and I feel the heat rising inside me. A tiny moan escapes me, sounding loud to my own ears.
"Stop, stop," I whisper, pushing him away. "Tent, Varric. Sound travels?"
He gives a frustrated grunt, and I can't tear my eyes away from warm glow of his gaze.
"Screw it," I say, and kiss him again. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I twist my ring...and we're standing in his chambers at Skyhold.
"You just…" Varric says once he realizes where we are, then grins.
"We have to be back by morning. I don't have enough trips to keep doing this, but we've got at least a week on the road left, I can recharge. Once won't hurt." I back toward the bed, crooking a finger at him.
"Weird magic shit to the rescue," he mutters, shaking his head, before following me.