Somehow, probably by some miracle, I wake up before my alarm goes off. The sun is slowly rising in the sky and I can see it peeking in through the window in Alex's kitchen. It creates shadows in the living room and for a while, I just watch them. They look like nothing at first but when I squint my eyes I can see shapes start to emerge. But after a minute or two, they all start to look like nothing again so I give up.
Alex isn't out of his room and I don't want to wake him so I'm quiet as I leave the couch. I fold the blankets he gave me and leave them stacked on top of the pillow. I have nothing to write any kind of thank you on so I just decide to send him a text later. Only maybe at a regular hour instead of this ungodly five shit.
For the first few minutes of the drive away from Alex's apartment, I'm still waking up but as soon as I hit a red light, I pick my phone up from the console and flip through my contacts until I get to Kwan's name. He answers on the fourth ring and I can tell from the grogginess in his voice that I just woke him up.
"Good morning sleeping beauty," I say with a laugh and he responds with an unintelligible groan. I don't know what the hell was going on with him yesterday but I'm not letting him get stuck in his head today. "Get up and get dressed, I'm on my way to your place to join you on your morning run. And I might be persuaded to bring you some coffee afterward."
Kwan groans and I almost feel bad. Until I remember that he's woken me up a fuck ton of times before. He can deal with me doing it once in a while. Besides, if not for him, I wouldn't even be doing a morning run at all.
"I was planning on skipping it today," he mumbles and I can't stop the grin from stretching across my face. He's starting to sound like me and it's pretty laughable that we've reversed roles for the moment. I just hope that this is only a moment and whatever was fucking with him yesterday isn't anymore.
The light turns green and I start down the empty street, knowing that before the drive is up, I'll have convinced Kwan and made him think this is a good idea. There's a game tomorrow anyway, it's a good idea to get pumped up for it.
Kwan looks half dead when he opens the door and I bite back the smirk threatening to push through my pretty neutral expression. I manage to keep it to a smile instead of anything that looks smug. He should really be thankful that I'm not laughing at his morning bed-head.
"I thought you were joking when you called," Kwan mumbles, motioning for me to follow him back inside. I let the screen door shut behind us as he leads me into the kitchen and I see his backpack on the floor beside the table.
He mumbles something to himself as he lifts a cup from the table and takes a small sip. He seems to hesitate for a second before he looks up, meeting my stare with concern in his own. "You're not… normally up this early. Is… everything okay?"
So, I get my ass out of bed before my best friend for once in my life and that's cause for some kind of concern? Actually, I can see why it would be… that's kind of sad really.
I give him a grin that probably looks more forced than it is. "Yeah, I'm good. I spent the night at Alex's. Woke up before him and figured I'd go for a run." I shrug even though I should probably mention the fact that my lazy ass hasn't been for a morning run since the one that Kwan dragged me into.
Kwan looks down into his cup for a second or two before he sets it on the table again. "Come on," he mumbles and I follow after him into the living room. He pulls on his shoes and grabs his phone from the coffee table before we leave his house together.
"Mom'll probably insist you stay for breakfast," Kwan tells me as he pulls the door closed behind us. He pushes the screen door shut and hesitates a second before turning around to face me. "So, why'd you stay with Alex last night?"
We start down his driveway together and though I can feel the tension in my gut, I take a careful breath in and wait a second before I respond. "The power couldn't be turned on until today so Alex told me he wanted me to stay with him for the night."
Kwan nods and we're silent again, the only noise between us our footsteps. My best friend hesitates again and I can't remember him ever acting this way before. He's hesitant and careful and I have no idea who told him to be. Or maybe it's cause he doesn't know how to deal with me when I'm up early and not hating the world first thing.
"So you told Alex about the power being off?" he asks, the slight quirk of his eyebrow doesn't go unnoticed and I know he's surprised. I would be if I were him.
I scratch at the back of my head as we continue down the street together, walking rather than running, and let out a soft breath. "Y-Yeah, I uh… I didn't know where to pay the stupid thing so I asked Alex and he uh…" I trail off and even though there's no need to tell Kwan this part, I feel like I should. And part of me wants to anyway. "He uh... he asked me about my face. Wanted to know if it… if it was cause of my dad."
My chest feels tight when Kwan turns to look at me and I somehow manage to hold his gaze. He doesn't say anything so I continue like I wasn't waiting on him to speak. "I told him the truth cause it's pretty fucking obvious at this point, right?"
Kwan looks at me like I've grown a second head. I guess he remembers how long it's been since I've let someone else in. It's just hard to let that kind of pain out. It's still really hard, even with Kwan.
"I know," I say softly, smiling at him. I'm really fucking surprised I don't have to force it cause I feel fine. Or… not fine exactly. I don't know what I feel but I don't feel awful. I think I feel okay. "He already figured it out a while ago. I just finally confirmed it."
I don't blame Kwan for the disbelief painted across his face. When have I talked about my dad, admitted all this shit to someone, and smiled about it? I'm sure my best friend thinks I've had some kind of a breakdown or something. I can't blame him, it doesn't really sound like me.
"And you're… I mean, you're okay letting an adult in on this?" Kwan asks as we both pick up the speed of our walk again. Somewhere around, 'I told Alex' we started kinda shuffling forward instead of walking. At this rate, we'll probably never get up to a run today.
I give him a look and roll my eyes. "It's not like I told some kind of authority figure. It's Alex, Kwan. He's not gonna tell anyone." Truth be told, it doesn't matter if he tells anyone or not. I'm moving out in a year. "And anyway, all we do is talk about this shit, I don't want to right now. How are… things with you? Like… since cutting practice?"
Kwan looks away from me, pushing out a breath. "Things are… okay," he mumbles softly and though we're supposed to be running now, neither one of us break the casual walk we have going.
Maybe I can't push Danny but Kwan's my best friend. "What is it?" I ask, waiting until he glances up at me before I continue. "Did Jared do something?"
He frowns, shaking his head as he keeps his stare focused on the pavement. "No, it's my parents. My dad, really, he's just… things are weird right now."
I bite the inside of my cheek as I try to think of how to respond. In my mind, his dad doesn't deserve the treasure that is my best friend. But if Kwan's trying to work things out with him, I'm not gonna stop him.
"Yeah? Weird how?" I ask, knowing that if I push too hard, Kwan won't retreat like Danny did. We're too good of friends for him to blank on me.
Kwan exhales again, shrugging in the silence. "I don't know… m-my parents want us to try to be a family again… but my dad's still not living with mom and I yet. They… want the three of us to start seeing a family therapist. Y-Yesterday was our first appointment."
Holy fuck. I kind of always pictured therapy as something that only people on soap operas and daytime dramas go to.
"So you have to like… talk about the shit between you guys?" I ask, feeling secondhand cringe for my best friend. I couldn't imagine telling a stranger about any of the shit that's gone on between dad and I… fuck, no wonder Kwan looked so weird yesterday.
"Yeah, kinda," Kwan responds. "I don't know. My dad thinks this is a waste of time but he's agreed to give it a shot s-so… I figure I should too."
I scratch the back of my head, taking in the street we're walking on. Every house we pass is a cookie cutter mold of the one before it, with immaculate grass and subtle lawn decorations. Life in suburbia is weird. All of the adults that move here try so hard to fit in with everybody else and half the time, their families are falling the fuck apart. Like Kwan's.
"Are you… happy with trying to fix things between you guys?" I ask, glancing in Kwan's direction.
He looks thoughtful for a few seconds before he shrugs. "I don't know yet."
We fall silent again but neither one of us try to break it. There's not a lot left to say and for once, I'm okay with that. The silence lets us pick up our speed and soon we're running down the empty street, our breathing the only sound between us.
I don't stop my mind from wondering in the silence and I don't try to trick myself either. I know these next few days are gonna be fucking tough for the both of us but for now, I'm just trying to focus on this moment. Running side by side with my best friend, my heart hammering in my chest as I remember that right now and maybe through everything that's gonna happen in the future, the only thing I have to do is keep moving and breathe.
As promised, I bring Kwan a cup of coffee when I show up for the school day. I guess I understand why he's surprised at my mood. I mean… life's really shitty right now and normally, I'd be dragging myself to school. I can't explain why I don't feel like I normally do but for now, I'm just rolling with it.
The bigger surprise is when I actually manage to take some decent notes for myself in biology. On an ordinary day, everything Ms. Anderson says is like some kind of jumbled ancient language to me. But for once, it makes sense and I fill three pages with everything she's saying. I'm starting to think I could actually pass this class.
By the time lunch hour's here, my mood hasn't declined at all. I still feel like I could fucking sing or climb a mountain. It's amazing what understanding something does to my mood. I haven't gotten to algebra yet so my day could easily get really shitty. Then again… Danny and I both have a spare after lunch. Maybe I can convince him to help me out with a quick study session.
Most of the guys and some of the cheerleaders are already at our table and my teammates whistle when they see me coming. I roll my eyes as I near them and slap Jeff on the back. "What are you idiots up to now?" I glance around the table and Paulina smiles when she meets my gaze.
A few seconds of hesitation pass around the table before she stands, her eyes on me as we both fall into the natural order of things. We take the necessary steps toward each other and I press a soft kiss to her lips. It's not rough or demanding like I usually prefer it to be. But that's when we're fucking and if I kiss her like that right now, my dick's just gonna get confused.
"Hey," Paulina says, trailing her finger down my chest as she blinks her lashes. God, everything's just so fucking perfect right now. I lean forward and capture her lips again before I tug her away from the table to have her to myself for a few minutes. The guys are making kissy noises as we leave and I flip them the bird as I go.
Paulina laughs softly at my response and joins me in the lunch line, her arm curling around mine. I turn toward her a little when she rests her head on my shoulder and I can't help the smile that quirks up my mouth. I shift just far enough to kiss her forehead and she sighs at the movement.
"How's your day going?" I ask, interlacing our fingers together and taking a step forward as the line moves. I don't remember the last time Paulina and I were this touchy outside of the bedroom but I don't mind it. It's kind of nice.
She exhales again, shifting her head off my shoulder as she glances my way with a shrug. "It's been okay." Paulina only has to look at me for another few seconds before we're both smiling again. I don't know why I ever thought it'd be a terrible idea to get back together with her and I'm guessing that's how I always find myself back with her. Cause being apart is too damn hard.
Everything really is perfect today, except…
Paulina raises an eyebrow when I look away with a sigh that doesn't exactly sound contented like hers. She nudges my shoulder with hers when I don't offer an explanation. The line moves forward again before I speak and when I do, I look back at her.
"Listen… I uh…" I chew on the corner of my lip as I think of how to convince her. I don't know why the fuck it's always been a big deal to her but I really hope that it's something she can tell me or at least forgive for a little while. "I-I've been thinking."
Shit, I'm awful with words. I never know how to phrase what should be really easy to. And sometimes I think too long about the different ways the other person would take what I'm saying and by then it's too awkward to say anything into the silence and I end up staying quiet. There's a small part of me that thinks right now is a good time to stay quiet. But I kind of throw a blanket over that part of myself and pretend it's not there.
"S-So, you know how we… we're kinda starting over? Like… giving each other a second chance?" I ask, hating the way my voice shakes. Paulina squeezes my hand and nods so I let out a breath and keep going. "I was wondering… if maybe you could give someone else a second chance too…"
I can tell I've confused her from the expression on her face. I really didn't want to have to spell it out but I guess that's the only way to do this. I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do if she says no cause I can't ignore him.
"Someone like…?" Paulina prompts and I guess that small part of myself is peeking out from under the blanket cause I really want to stay quiet again. I don't want to have this conversation and I can already feel it ruining my good mood. But I'm not gonna let it stop me or change the way that I feel. It's been time for me to stop backing out of shit for a while now.
"Like Danny." I swear to fucking god, for a second or two, I lose hearing. I can't think with the look Paulina's giving me and when she pulls her hand from mine, I know the ending of this conversation. And I'll probably end up playing it on repeat tonight just to torture myself. But suddenly, my hearing is back and the cafeteria isn't silent like I thought was.
It is silent between us and it's awkward as fuck. I don't know what to say. I'm god fucking awful with words but I guess the silence is worse than badly phrased thoughts. "C-Cause I want to ask him to sit with us today but I'm not if you're gonna be giving him one of your death stares the entire time."
Paulina runs her hand through her hair before returning her palm to mine, squeezing once before she shrugs. "Okay." She smiles with the word, her lips curling up at the edges like she's happy. Fuck, maybe she is. Is this my lucky day or some shit?
"You… you're okay with this?" I ask, still not sure if I should believe it.
She rolls her eyes and nods before stepping out of line. I realize then that I'm at the front so I pay for the food and take the tray with me, falling into step with Paulina back to the table.
"Yes, I'm okay with it," she says with another shrug. "Kwan mentioned at the beach that you were having fun with him. And to be honest… I'm pretty sure I've seen you smile more often since you guys started hanging out."
I'm really not sure what to say but she doesn't leave our conversation in silence for long, immediately moving in to the rest of her thoughts on this whole thing. "And anyway," she waves her hand like it's nothing. "It was forever ago and if he really makes you happy, I'm sure we can give each other a fresh start."
Paulina gives me another smile before we're at our table and I'm still a little dazed. How… did that work out so well? What the hell did I say to make her think that she could just forgive and forget that easily?
I don't really have long to think on it because I can see Danny at the edge of the cafeteria, his gaze moving from his phone over to my table. A few seconds later, I feel my phone vibrate against my thigh, letting me know that Danny's texting first to feel out the situation.
From: Danny Fenton
Any chance you'll ditch your friends and have lunch with me in the library? :P
I really hope he doesn't instantly turn me down. I could text back to see how he might react. That's probably the smarter move and it'd give him more time to think it over but…
"Yo, Danny!" I call out, watching him instead of anyone at the table. He ducks his head a little but he pockets his phone and starts heading our way. A couple of the cheerleaders are looking between me and Paulina but the guys are quickly paying attention to their food again. I only have to look over at Jeff once for him to scoot over.
Danny comes to an awkward stroll when he gets close enough to our table. "H-Hey," he stammers out, using one hand to fiddle with the strap of his backpack. I wonder if that's a nervous habit but now isn't exactly the time to ask him.
I pat the table where Jeff just vacated. "Have a seat," I tell him, giving him the best grin I've got. He still looks at me like I'm crazy but I keep smiling and eventually he gives in. He sinks down onto the bench next to me with a heavy exhale.
The rest of our table easily picks up whatever conversations they paused when our newest addition arrived and Danny sets his backpack on the ground. He glances around the lunchroom before focusing on me again. I offer him the same grin and he rolls his eyes, reaching a hand over my tray to snag the standard edition fruit cup that comes with every caf meal.
"To what do I owe the honor of sitting at the popular kids table?" Danny asks, peeling the plastic top off the cup. He raises an eyebrow as he licks the syrup residue off the plastic and I kind of forgot what the hell he just asked me.
"Uh…" I glance toward Paulina but she's talking with Star. For half a second, I think it's about Danny but I catch the last few words and it sounds more like some kind of cheer routine that I'll never understand. "I wanted you to."
Danny scoffs lightly, dropping his gaze back to the fruit cup. "And it's okay with… everyone here?" he asks, his voice so quiet I have to lean forward to catch what he's saying. He meets my stare and for a second, we just look at each other. It reminds me of last night and how today might've been if the deputy hadn't found us.
I lean away from him, shaking my head to clear my head of last night's events. "Y-Yeah, it's fine." I know he's probably asking about Paulina rather than anyone else and I still can't believe I convinced her so easily. For as long as she's hated him, it doesn't really make sense. But I guess things are just going well for me today? Shit, I really hope I didn't miss some kind of subtle hint Paulina threw my way.
"Y'know, if anyone's shaking, it should be the guy sitting at a table filled with strangers that might actually hate him," Danny whispers as he leans closer to me to snag the plastic spoon next to my tray.
Shit, am I shaking? It's been a while since I really noticed this. I'm pretty sure I was close to panicking when I met Alex at the garage last night but that didn't feel like this did. I wasn't in a room full of people and my breathing wasn't making me sound like I'm fucking dying.
Danny watches me as he slowly unwraps the plastic from the spoon. After a second or two, he moves one of his hands underneath the table and he closes his palm around my knee. I start a little at the sudden touch but I relax almost instantly.
"It's gonna be okay," he says softly and I'm afraid our entire table can hear us. While I'm chancing a look around at everyone, Danny squeezes my knee. "Whatever's bothering you, it'll be okay." He drops his gaze to the fruit cup and manages to scoop up an orange slice. I don't know why but Danny's touch is making me feel a little calmer. I don't even know why I'm panicking but I'm afraid everyone will be able to hear me.
A shaky breath leaves me and though Jeff glances toward me at the sound, his stare doesn't stay on me for long and he's easily drawn back into whatever conversation he's having with Keith. While Kwan's also in the conversation, his stare keeps drifting toward me so I do my best to not look at him. I can't panic in front of everyone.
I drop my hand onto my thigh and Danny instantly puts his hand over mine, squeezing gently in some kind of reassurance. I hate that it immediately makes me feel better and I hate that he can tell. And I really hate that Kwan keeps looking over at me, trying to see if I'm okay. I don't think I am. Shit, today was going so well.
Danny interlaces his fingers with mine and tugs on my hand until I look at him. I can't imagine what I look like but considering my arm has started to tremble too, I'm guessing the answer is: not good.
"So, we both have spares after lunch. You want to study in the library?" he asks, opening his mouth to take in the orange slice. I know he's speaking loud enough so my friends won't really pay attention to us. No one cares about your shit unless you're whispering. Then suddenly they're all ears.
The breath I drag in sounds pretty strangled but Danny's hand is warm in mine and I guess that's keeping my focus on him rather than the panic swelling inside of me. I don't know why I feel the fear rising in my chest for no apparent reason but Danny's making this easier for me. Somehow, he always makes it easier.
"Y-Yeah, that sounds good," I mumble, already knowing that Danny won't care if I agree or not, he's just trying to keep me talking. I don't know why talking helps and I don't really care why. I'm just so fucking grateful that it does.
Paulina kisses me before our table breaks up to go our separate ways, most of them jealous that Danny and I are free for an hour. The only one that's not headed to class is Keith. He always has a double free period on Thursday's but I know that he uses that time to go see his sister. Which is why I'm not surprised when he turns down Danny's offer to join us in the library.
"So, you and Paulina… you guys are a thing again?" Danny asks me as we walk down the empty hall together, heading for the library. He slides his phone from his pocket but he puts it away again almost as quickly as he took it out.
I scratch at the back of my head and nod slowly when he glances toward me. "Yeeeah, we're getting there." I don't really want to get into the whole specifics of starting over and giving this a new beginning or whatever the fuck we're calling this. Besides, that shit should really stay between us.
"Cool," Danny says as we turn the corner toward the library. I don't think he actually thinks it's cool and I don't know why I feel like I should be defending Paulina.
I grab his arm and come to a stop, waiting for him to look at me again. He huffs out a sigh and finally meets my stare. "Look, she's… I-I know she hasn't exactly been the best person to you and I get that, okay? I'm not saying that things with her have always been easy and it's hard to explain but she's just… I mean, she's kind of-"
"You don't have to explain anything to me, okay?" Danny responds, tugging his arm from my hand. He glances around the empty hall before looking toward me again with a shrug. "I don't care who you're dating, I barely know her. I was just curious."
Silence grabs the both of us again and we wordlessly continue toward the library. Curiosity is one thing but… why'd he ask if he doesn't care? And why the fuck do I care that he doesn't? It's not like Paulina's exactly been the best person in the world to him but she's still been there for me with all the shit I've dealt with.
"Are you actually ready to study algebra?" Danny asks as we locate a table near the back. I've studied algebra on worse days than today has been so it doesn't matter either way. But some things are far more important than algebra. Actually… a lot of shit is more important than a school subject. Like death. Infinitely better and more appealing.
I sink down in the chair across from the one he's plopped down into and I drop my bag onto the floor. "Actually… can we talk about last night first?" It's probably stupid to try to get any kind of answers out of him the day after we started talking again but I'm an idiot. And besides, it should be fine as long as I don't pull the ass-hattery I did on Sunday.
Danny exhales softly and scoots his backpack off the table and into the chair next to him. His gaze sweeps around the library before he looks back at me with a shrug. "Sure. But I don't have to answer whatever questions you have just cause you're curious."
"Fair enough," I respond, leaning back in my chair. He raises an eyebrow but I take a second before I speak. I didn't expect him to agree so quickly and I'm not the greatest at saying shit. "So… we've decided that it's not your parents, right?"
He gives me a look before rolling his eyes with a snort. "Yes, Dash. I've told you multiple times that it has nothing to do with my parents. Even though you don't believe me," he mutters the last part but he glances up when I scoff.
"Well if there was another believable option, you'd probably be able to convince me," I say as I cross my arms over my chest and return the stare he's giving me. For a few seconds, neither of us speak or look away but he's the one to break the silence.
"Why are you so fixated on my parents?" he asks, raising an eyebrow at whatever expression is on my face. I can't help it. The way he acts is similar to me and he's terrified of his parents. We both tremble and shake when we're afraid and judging from the way he reacted on Sunday, I'm pretty sure he's never told anyone about whatever the hell is causing the bruises on him.
I respond with a shrug at first cause I don't know how the hell to put my thoughts into words. But before the silence can get awkward, I decide that a shitty attempt is better than no attempt at all.
"Cause. You're terrified of your parents and don't try to say you're not cause I was there last night and I saw how scared you were," I tell him. I only hesitate for a second or two before I uncross my arms and lean closer to him, resting my forearms on the table. "I told you before that I don't care, you can trust me, I-"
Danny grabs his backpack from the chair next to him. "Considering you've recited your monologue about trusting you three times now, I think I'll catch up on my homework while you launch into it again." He unzips his backpack and digs out a notebook and pencil before he drops the backpack into the chair again. He flips to a blank page and immediately starts writing. I don't know what he's working on and while my preferred reaction is to keep explaining that I get it and I want to help, I'm pretty sure this is a less than subtle sign that I'm getting close to being an asshole again.
I pick up my own backpack and find my history notes. There's always some kind of a quiz on Thursday's and even though I'm pretty decent at the subject, it doesn't hurt to look over it again. Besides, I don't think Danny's gonna be talking to me for a while.
When I chance a look up at him, he's watching me and I can't explain or understand the fucking butterflies in my stomach. It's just Danny. Why does that make me nervous? Is this regular nervousness or some kind of leftover shit from the anxiety? If that's even what it is.
"You've quit shaking," Danny says, giving me a smile that only renews the butterflies. Fuck it, maybe I don't understand why I feel like this but I'll take a thousand butterflies over whatever the fuck was clawing at my insides back in the cafeteria. This feeling is more like breathing through a snorkel and what I had earlier was more like I was fucking suffocating. When it comes to this shit, I'm pretty sure that butterflies are better than chokeholds.
A/N:
These poor angsty boys
Yo! Thanks for coming back for another week. I've loved reading your comments from this past week, you guys are the best.
Oh and thanks for your feedback on the anniversary piece from Danny's POV, it was awesome seeing your reactions there so thanks for that! :)
Danny's quite the adorable little shit isn't he? I love writing about him honestly, he's so much fun to explore. Not that the lovable, abused quarterback isn't. He's also majorly fun to write about. (And did I mention fun to torture too? ;p)
Not a lot of "plot" to this update, it's more introspective and foreshadowing for later chapters. I know you're all looking forward to the action and the angst... trust me, it's coming.
What do you think of Kwan going to see a family therapist? Paulina being cool about Danny sitting at their lunch table? Dash actually being in a good mood? I'd love to know your thoughts on and everything that happened in this week's chapter.
Thanks again for reading! I hope you all have an awesome week!