a/n: i'm not smeyer. i'm just plain ol' stephanie
thanks go out to two ppl today: to bellaslover for reading this over and discussing things with me, even if i am so super lame about my writing. and obv to mah gay bf mskathy who wields the red pen of truth...aka she betas the shit outta my work when i am up late writing and losing brain function.
lastly, both edward and i are feelin kinda assholey. sorry this took so long. no i am not abandoning this story. in fact...by my best guess...there are only 2 chapters left in the story (more if i get wordy) and quite possibly an epilogue. sources point to yes on that one.
Charlie and Sue drove away in… the cruiser. Even through the tears, I managed to cringe at that. Tin cans and streamers trailed behind them as they made their way towards a local Bed and Breakfast. They would stay at the Miller Tree Inn tonight since their flight did not leave until the next day.
Jacob drove me home to an empty house. The idea of being alone there for the night was both relieving and nerve wracking. I was too nervous to be by myself; afraid of where my thoughts would take me. But being alone afforded me the ease of sobbing and carrying on without fear of interruption.
"Bella, are you going to be ok by yourself today?"
Jacob turned to face me as he put his car in park. His eyes were deep with worry. I wondered if he thought I was a danger to myself. I hadn't done anything to warrant that kind of worry, had I?
"Of course. I have plenty of things to do to keep me busy." I had nothing. "So don't worry. If I get bored, I'll call you." I would definitely not be calling him.
I really hated how perceptive Jacob was being as he arched one thick eyebrow at me. He didn't believe my lie. Why should he, though, if I didn't believe my lie? Luckily, he declined calling me out on my bullshit. I stepped out of the VW Rabbit that Jacob had started rebuilding when I still made yearly visits and made my way hurriedly through the oncoming downpour.
Once inside I walked slowly upstairs, noticing how my feet sounded on the hardwood, the creaks of the wood reverberating and echoing through the empty house. I had no idea what to do now. I had the entire night to myself. Aside from the few hours in the morning when I would see Charlie and Sue, I had all of tomorrow by myself as well. That thought made me shiver despite the warm breeze coming in through my open window. Seriously, what was I going to do until my flight back to Chicago?
First thing's first, get out of this dress.
I stripped off the blue lace and hung up the dress so thoughtfully picked out by Alice. How would things be once I got back to Evanston? Would she side with her brother or her friend?
I looked down at myself and noticed the cream bra and panty set I was wearing. I realized for the first time since putting it on that the set was a gift from Edward. I hastily pulled the soft fabric off my body, flinging it across the room in an attempt to not think that I had been wearing something Edward had touched. His hands would never touch me again. I did not want a reminder of the poor substitute the lingerie represented. I could not wear it anymore. I need to get new underwear.
I shivered again as I made my way to the bathroom, completely naked, to take a shower. At least being completely alone allows me the convenience of not having to cover up. The hot water pounding against my skin was something I was greatly anticipating. When I stepped into the bathroom and saw my reflection in the mirror, I stopped dead in my tracks, all thoughts of a shower forgotten. I balked at my reflection. The girl in the mirror was me… but not.
It had only been a couple days since Edward had left me broken at the airport. Already I was thinner, paler, frailer. My hands moved across my skin, exploring my body in wonder. Even when Edward and I were together, I was average looking at best. How had his hands traveled similar paths across my arms, chest, stomach and legs? If he could see me now, there was no way he would want to do any of those things to me again. No matter, he doesn't want to do those things to you now anyway.
Angry at myself for the self loathing, I stormed the remaining distance over to my shower and set the water as hot as it could go. Steam quickly filled the small bathroom, fogging up the mirror so that I did not have to see myself anymore. I stepped into the stream of hot water, flinching back slightly at the burn of it against my skin. Eventually I adjusted to the sharp feel of the water, relishing in feeling anything other than sadness at this point. My skin turned pink, quickly turning to red under the steady stream of water.
I reached for the generic shampoo Charlie kept in here, thankful I had not taken the time to bring the strawberry shampoo Edward seemed to love so much. I didn't want to smell it anymore. It would only make me think of those times he buried his nose in my hair, inhaling deeply. He had always told me how good I smelled. I massaged the shampoo into my hair, maybe digging into my scalp a little too excessively, then rinsed it off quickly. My hand went out to grab some conditioner, only to discover there was none. Charlie never bought any for himself. I frowned, realizing that my hair would look and feel dry once I blow dried it. But who cares, no one is here to see it anyway.
I lathered up the bar of soap Charlie kept in the shower. I had forgotten to bring in a washcloth so would now have to use my hands. The combination of the hot water and my hands lightly rubbing my skin was soothing. Tension I had not been aware of was lessening as I continued to wash myself. My eyes followed the soap suds as they traveled over my breasts, down my stomach, and disappeared between my legs. Flashbacks of moments I had shared with Edward in the shower invaded my mind. His hands always followed the same path as the soap, only lingering over my more sensitive body parts.
Subconsciously my hands began to linger as well, feeling the weight of my own breasts and the softness of my nipples. My head tilted back to rest against the shower wall as I enjoyed the sensation of fingers tugging at my nipples. Feather light touches ghosted across my stomach, circling my navel and barely rubbing my hipbones just as he had done. My stance widened on instinct, legs parting for the touch I always craved. When my hand reached me down thereit was only Edward's hand I felt; his palm rubbing against my clit as his finger slowly teased around my entrance. My legs trembled as long, skilled fingers brought me to my release. But when I had finished riding out my pleasure, I felt so… unfulfilled. I looked down and stared at my own hand as it cupped my sex. Hot tears mixed with the water as I cried in realization that Edward really was the only one that could make my body truly sing. And he was never going to do it again. My body would be left to be played by less skilled hands for the rest of my life, because no one could compare to Edward. No one.
I turned the water off in a haze of tears, groping blindly for a towel. Once my hand brushed against the thick cotton, I wrapped it around my body, not even bothering to really dry off. All I wanted was to get in bed, under the covers to try and block myself from my own thoughts.
As I climbed in and pulled the duvet over my still wet body, I noticed my cell phone resting on my night stand. It was blinking at me, indicating a missed call. Hope swelled inside, despite the rational part of me. When I flipped open my phone and saw I had 5 missed calls and 5 unread text messages my heart sped up. I checked the calls first, all from Alice. I almost didn't bother checking the texts, as I was sure they would all be from her too.
Bella, please pick up. I finally talked to Edward. I know. -A
God that sounded ominous…I know.
Maybe the wedding is still going on. Txt or call when you're done. -A
Bella I'm starting to freak out over here. Call me. –A
I swear to god I'm gonna kill Edward. –A
Don't ignore me Bella. I won't stop til I talk to you. –A
I knew she wouldn't, and the constant calls and texts would be very, very annoying right now. But how did I call and talk to her about this? I didn't want to break down on the phone with Alice. I didn't want to break down at all anymore. Hearing her sadness, her… pity… towards the situation would be more than upsetting right now.
My phone rang in my hand, Alice leaving no option as she was currently calling me. I felt my heart thud somewhere in my throat as I anticipated what this conversation would be like. My mouth opened in greeting, but no words came out as I answered.
"Bella? Oh my god, finally. Are you ok? Well, I mean, I know you're not okay. But, still, are you…ok?" Alice managed to squeak out all of that in one breath.
"Yeah, of course Alice. I'm f-fine," I stuttered out, sounding completely unconvincing. Tears were already beginning to well up in the corners of my eyes again. Damn it.
"Oh Bella, I'm so sorry. Edward finally returned my calls…" She paused as if she wanted me to say something, but really, what was left to say? She knew how he felt. "And I can't believe it. I just cannot believe it."
As if I could?
"Please, Alice. Don't do this. Not now. I don't want to talk about it."
"You need to. Who else have you got out there, huh? I mean, once you get back you'll have me and Rose and Jasper and obviously Emmett to talk to. But for now, it's just you and me on the phone. Talk to me."
At her words, I was painfully reminded of our little group of friends. They all treated me so well; from the very beginning when Emmett helped unpack all my things. And even when Edward and I were still determined to hate each other, they stuck by me. But when Edward and I finally got together, that was when our circle of friends was really complete. They had become more than just my friends, they had become my family.
The only problem was that I could not think about them without thinking of him. Almost every happy memory I had of my friends contained Edward. It was too hard to think about it all. From our first night out clubbing, the way Edward had taken care of me without my knowledge, to sexy karaoke singing at the Hundo. Even celebrating the end of MCAT studying madness held great memories…despite all that led up to it.
I knew without having to actually experience it that being around them would be too hard, at least for right now. I did not want to resent my memories of Edward, I loved him too much for that. But seeing them, being around them, would only force me to think of things I wanted to ignore. And then I really might end up not only resenting Edward and what we shared, but my friends as well; friends who could still talk to Edward anytime they wanted.
A forceful realization struck me then: I did not want to go back to Evanston, not yet anyway. I needed to stay in Forks. Charlie could find me a job I was sure. I just had to convince him to let me stay here by myself… and not question why.
"Bella, are you ok? You still there? You haven't said anything in awhile. What are you thinking about?" I didn't want to tell Alice yet. She would be sure to get on the next flight out of Chicago to Seattle and drag me back with her.
"Yeah Alice, I'm here. I just…" I didn't know how to finish that sentence.
"Tell me what happened Bella, if you can, please? Edward wasn't very…forthcoming with details. Only that it happened at the airport."
"I don't think I can Alice…"
She must have sensed how fresh the hurt was, must have heard it in my voice because she did not press but decided to continue talking. Alice told me how Edward had been ignoring everyone's calls. She hadn't realized anything was wrong until she spoke to Carlisle. He was furious at his son, saying that he hadn't meant Edward "to do anything like that" when he had suggested volunteering at local hospitals in Maryland. Clearly Edward had chosen to not tell anyone his plans before putting them in action.
I was sure, much like she had done with me, Alice called Edward relentlessly until he finally could ignore her no longer. He told Alice that we had broken up at the airport, not sharing anything more with her except that it was "for the best." When she pressed for more details he made up some excuse as to why he needed to get off the phone.
"What did he say to you Bella?"
"He... doesn't want me." I sobbed out the words, pressing my face into the pillow to muffle out the sounds.
"He's lying." Her words came out strong and sure.
"No." I shook my head even though she couldn't see the action.
"He is Bella. He has only ever wanted you. How can you sit there and believe any of the bullshit he told you? Can't you see why he said all that?"
I couldn't hear any of this, not now.
"I gotta go Alice… someone's at the door." Anything to get her off the phone. "Bye." I hung up before she had a chance to respond.
I stared at the phone in my hand, turning it over idly. What would Alice have said had I not hung up on her? What could Edward's reasoning be for declaring he no longer wanted me? Could he have been lying? Might he still want me, love me?
Somehow my phone was placing a call to someone I should have left alone. Hope makes me do stupid things. At the beep I launched into a one sided conversation.
"Hey Edward, it's me again. I'm sorry to bother you, but I know that you were excited for Charlie and Sue and I thought maybe…maybe you wanted to know that the wedding went really well. Sue looked beautiful and Charlie looked uncomfortable in his tux but really, really happy. And I…well I managed not to cry, at least when it wasn't appropriate. I held it together, for Charlie and Sue, ya know? I didn't want to ruin their big day. I didn't want Charlie to get upset at you. It's not your fault…not your fault that you don't want to be with me anymore." Tears were coming and I knew I had to wrap this up if I wanted to seem at least somewhat sane. "Anyway, that's it…thought you'd like to know. Hope you're doing great in Maryland. I'm sure you are. You always are…great…at medical stuff that is…" I trailed off, not knowing what to say and feeling like a complete idiot for even having called in the first place.
I hung up and stared at the phone, cursing it and its ability to connect me to the one person I longed to talk to most but could never reach again. My phone began to ring and once more I got just a little too excited at the idea that it could be Edward. Maybe he is finally returning my calls. But the caller ID flashed Alice. I hit 'ignore' out of the bitter disappointment I felt.
I turned my phone off in case Alice tried calling back. I don't know what she wanted to tell me, but I did not need false reassurances that Edward still loved me. He did not. Any story she tried to tell me would only result in more false hope and I was sick of crying, sick of receiving even an ounce of "maybe" when it came to Edward. I didn't want to feel like this anymore, feel as if I wasn't whole without him. Even though it was true, I didn't relish the pain in my stomach and heart every time I had to acknowledge that I was only a shadow of the person I was with him.
--
When I woke up, my eyes were almost swollen shut from the amount of crying I had done the night before. I rushed to the bathroom to wash off my face. After patting dry I looked up and groaned at my reflection. My hair was a rat's nest. I will never fall asleep with wet hair again. I tried to comb through it, but with little success. Looks like I'll have to take another shower. I would not let myself linger in there this time. I could not handle going through something similar to last night.
After getting dressed and making myself breakfast, I heard the cruiser pull up in the driveway. I knew I had to bring up the idea of staying in Forks as soon as possible. I only had a few hour window of opportunity, otherwise Charlie and Sue would be taking off and not be returning until August. My mind struggled to think of good arguments as to why I should stay here. I also needed to keep up the pretense that I was fine, in case either of them brought up Edward.
"Bella? You in here?" I heard Charlie call from the front door. Two soft thuds told me they had set their luggage down in the hallway. Footsteps made their way towards where I was at the kitchen table and I felt suddenly very nervous.
"Hey Dad! Sue!" I tried for cheery. It sounded forced, even to myself.
Both settled into chairs at the table to join me. We exchanged a few pleasantries, but didn't have much else to talk about. I had just seen them yesterday, and what they did last night was nothing I wanted to talk about.
"You ready to head back out to Chicago tomorrow?" Here we go.
"Actually, Dad, I was thinking I'd like to stay in Forks for the summer." I saw Charlie's eyes light up for a second, probably thinking of how we could spend the time together, before his grin turned into a frown.
"But Bells, we won't be here for most of the summer."
"I know. I was just thinking it would be nice to get a job and save up some money for next year."
"You don't want to get a job out there?" Sue spoke up beside Charlie. She was eyeing me, trying to figure out what was really going on.
"Um…"
"What about your, uh, boyfriend." Even feeling the pang in my heart at the mention of Edward, it was sweet how flustered Charlie got over the fact that I have… had a boyfriend.
"Well, see, he's going to be really busy this summer volunteering at hospitals in preparation for med school." They didn't have to know the hospitals weren't even in the state of Illinois. "And I already looked into getting a job there and there aren't many options. I figured I could try and find one here." That was a huge lie that they also did not need to know about.
"But you'll be alone." Charlie's frown deepened at the thought of his little girl by herself all summer long.
"Not really. There's Jacob. And Seth too. It will be nice to really get to know my new step brother." That caused a smile to form on both Charlie's and Sue's face.
"I don't know Bells. I mean, spending time with those two would be great I'm sure, especially Seth. But you'd still be staying in a house all by yourself."
"Oh Charlie, lighten up. She's old enough to be by herself. Besides, that new outdoors shop opened up just off the freeway. I think they're hiring right now." Sue jumped to my defense. It was nice but also kind of odd. She gave me a look of understanding before turning to look at Charlie.
"Well, if you don't see any harm in it, I guess that could work. We'll have to go over a lot of things before we leave, just to insure you're safe while we're gone." I rolled my eyes before I even realized it. Charlie missed it, but Sue did not. She had to try and turn her laugh into a cough before Charlie caught on that we were laughing at how he was treating me like I was still 14.
The rest of the time Charlie and Sue were there was spent going over the entire house, making sure each window was closed and locked. If I opened a window I was to make sure to lock it at night, and never leave the house without closing it. I could not leave a house key hidden under the eave any longer. No one was allowed to come inside the house besides Seth, not even Jacob. Apparently Charlie liked Jacob but didn't trust him, a thought that made me laugh. Charlie even gave me a can of pepper spray. I had to promise to carry it with me wherever I was, even when I was at home. "You never know Bells," was what Charlie had told me. Throughout the entire walk through, I simply nodded along in agreement. He needed the reassurance that the house and I would be safe, not me. I was a big girl, even if Charlie couldn't quite see that.
Finally, Charlie and Sue were heading out the door, Seth having offered to drive them up to the airport. Before they got in and drove off though, Sue pulled me aside.
"Bella, is there more to the Edward situation than you're letting on?"
Oh god, please no. Not now. I don't think I can keep the tears away while Charlie is here.
"Sue…" She looked into my eyes, probably seeing the moisture collecting there. Her arms were around me in a flash, holding me close to her. I trembled slightly as I tried to resist the oncoming flood of emotions that the mere mention of Edward had stirred up.
"I think you just answered the question. Whatever happened Bella, it'll work out. If you need to talk, email me. I'll be checking pretty frequently while traveling. You know you can tell me anything, right?"
"Yes. Thanks Sue." I swiped at my eyes, trying to collect the treacherous tears there. I could not let Charlie see.
I was waving goodbye not five minutes later, left alone to my own devices. Sue had given me free reign over her car. She said she didn't mind me driving it. Still, I would only be using it to and from work... that is, if I got the job.
Most of the day was spent in a haze of trying-but-failing-to-not-think-of-Edward. I tried reading, but Charlie's collection was not impressive. Although I had brought a few favorites with me, most were love stories at their core. And The Time Traveler's Wife? Forget it. I could never ever read that story without thinking of Edward. Movies weren't much help either. They did not engage my mind adequately. I usually zoned out, thinking about my own personal He-Who-Shall-Remain-Nameless…only I always thought of his name. Edward was such a beautiful name to me.
Alice called, resulting in more tears. She was mad at me for turning off my phone the night before. When I finally told her about my plan to stay in Forks for the summer? She was furious. She ended up telling me exactly what I did not want to hear; that Edward still loved me.
"He's doing this because he thinks it's best for you. Doesn't make it right…but deep down he had your best intentions at heart."
"That's fucking bullshit Alice, and you know it."
"The leaving you part is, I won't deny it. But the still loving you is not. I can tell. He sounds…just as broken as you do."
I rushed to get off the phone after that. I could not allow hope to grow in my heart, because when it was confirmed that he did not want me, all that pointless desire and anticipation to have him back in my life would just fester and rot me from the inside out.
--
The next day I received a call on the house phone from Sharon Newton. She called in regards to working at their sporting goods store. Apparently the Chief of Police had called to inform her that his only daughter was looking for a job. They had just recently opened. It was family owned, so the only employees at the moment were Sharon, her husband, and their son Mike. She expected business to pick up as it was situated right off the exit leading to the more popular hiking and hunting trails in the area. Sharon asked when I could start. When I said "how about tomorrow," she nearly sobbed in gratitude.
Jake came over to see if I wanted to hang out. A part of me really wanted the distraction. Jake usually did such a great job of keeping me busy and my thoughts centered on the here and now. Only another part of me was worried that, after the confession he made during Christmas and with the news of my break up, Jake had ulterior motives. I declined his offer. He frowned at me and even tried to pout to see if he could charm me out of my house, but I was determined to mope inside.
Alice called yet again. We continued to argue around the question of Edward's love for me. It seemed she intended on calling me every day until I conceded that he did in fact still love me. I never would, because he did not. There was no evidence that could make me change my mind.
"What about all the times he told you he loved you? What about the time you spent together, the things you shared?"
"Feelings change Alice. Maybe he only thought he loved me. He probably realized his feelings for me were shallow in comparison to what real love felt like."
"And how would he have suddenly come to that conclusion, Bella? Edward's been with enough women to be able to the difference between lust and love."
"Maybe it was just lust mixed with some like…it probably threw him off."
Alice went off on me after that. I hung up. She tried calling back, but I again ignored the call. I felt a trend forming.
My fingers itched to call Edward. I just wanted to hear his message. I missed his voice, so smooth like velvet. Even reciting a standard greeting sounded so sexy coming from him. But that made me seem crazy. And crazy though I may be, again, I didn't want Edward knowing that.
So instead I just texted him…naturally. It was as if my heart was conspiring against me, getting my brain to agree to the crazy shenanigans of my grief. I don't even know what I said. The important, dreadfully so, part was that I had actually sent him a text. It was sitting in his inbox, just waiting to be deleted before reading. I doubted he even cared to hear or see anything from me.
I fell asleep that night to images of Edward scoffing at my pathetic attempts to reach out to him. He had a gorgeous blonde on his arm, kissing his neck and running her hands through his hair, the same as I used to do. Though I wanted to think that Edward would revert back to his former "player" self, if only to stop loving him so hard, I knew deep down that he wasn't really like that. He had never really enjoyed being like that. If for nothing else, maybe being with me had helped him grow out of the need to act that way.
--
My first day at Newton's did not start off well. It was pouring rain outside. I slipped on a worm and fell in a puddle as I made my way inside the store. My left pant leg was completely soaked through, including a large patch on my ass, as if I had wet myself. I was in a foul mood that only worsened when I heard a somewhat familiar voice call out my name.
"Bella? You're the Bella Mom hired?" Why did that voice sound so familiar? "How cool is this?" He said it more to himself than anything.
As I stared into the blue eyes in front of me, I realized how I knew this guy. Mike…Mike…there had been a guy in my biology lab named Mike. Damn it…what are the fucking odds that the Mike that had asked me out the Friday before my relationship had changed for the better with Edward was the same Mike who I would now be working with on a regular basis?
"Mike, it's good to see you again." I forced the lie out.
"So you remember me? Really? Cool." He tried for a sexy smirk. But no one could pull that off, not like Edward could.
We chatted for a few minutes before Sharon came out from the back to give me a tour of the store. Until I was trained on register, I was in charge of keeping things well stocked.
"Don't worry, if you need any help you can ask me. I can pretty much lift anything in this store." Mike winked at me while trying to subtly show off biceps that didn't seem to exist to me. I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing at the mental image of Mike asking me if I wanted tickets to the gun show.
The day passed by fairly slowly. Because of the rain there were not as many customers as Sharon had hoped for. I wondered if anyone had clued her in that Forks was the rainiest place in the US before she decided to pack up her family to move here. Mike followed me around whenever there were no customers to ring up.
"So, you know I'm new to the Forks area, and Mom tells me you grew up here."
"Oh, not really, I just used to spend summers here with my dad."
"Still, I bet you know more about the town than I do. Maybe you can show me around some time?"
"Hm, maybe…I'll have to check my schedule." Even if every single day was left blank, I did not have time for him.
Later that night Alice called, as was expected.
"Remember how Edward basically saved you from James? And he left that sweet message for you in that note?"
"Yeah." I did not like where this conversation was going…though I never liked where Alice took our conversations.
"I think he loved you even back then."
"Alice, he didn't even know me. He didn't love me."
"Love at first sight Bella. It exists."
"Goodnight Alice."
--
That routine continued over the next week. Jake would either call or stop by, trying to get me out of the house. Sometimes I agreed, most I did not. I would go to work, be harassed by a guy who was way too eager for my taste, then come home to be harassed by my best friend.
My emotions were a fucking rollercoaster. Every day I woke up feeling alone and unwanted. Even with Mike's persistent pick up lines and "subtle" hints at going out, I did not feel better. I only wanted to be wanted by Edward. Then I'd go home and have to listen to Alice. She always went over past dates or moments with Edward. The hardest night had been when Alice had recounted the first time we said "I love you." I had asked how she even knew about that.
"Edward told me the next day. You have no idea how long he had wanted to tell you. And when he finally did and you said it back? Bella, I had never seen him happier. He was practically glowing, and that is not even a term I like to use to describe men. But he was, because you loved him. Don't tell me that just suddenly went away for him, cecause it didn't."
I cried so hard that night that I almost threw up.
Jacob came over the next day, again pleading with me to go out. It was well timed. I was still aching from my conversation with Alice from the night before and I didn't have to go into work. I would've done anything to get out of the house and away from the trapped feelings in my head.
"Let's do something crazy Bells."
"Oh yeah…because there is so much crazy shit to get into in Forks."
I saw a wicked gleam come into Jake's eyes.
"I have the perfect thing for us!"
He drove us out of Forks and into Port Angeles. We zipped through downtown, passing the more touristy parts of town and into a seedier area.
"Jake…what are we doing?"
"Just trust me, ok? If you don't like it, we'll head back."
He got out of the car and started walking towards our final destination. It did not go unnoticed that he didn't open my door for me, but not everyone was a gentleman like Edward. His long legs took him towards a store I could not yet see, being so far behind.
"Jake, slow down, I can't catch up!" I called out as he came to a sudden stop.
He turned to me with a grin as I looked up to a sign above the door that read "Pat's Tats."
"Well…you game?"
My eyes bugged out. When Jake had said we should do something crazy…I didn't think he meant that crazy.
"Jake, I don't know. I think Charlie would kill me!"
"But isn't that some of the appeal to it? Doing something kind of "bad" for the thrill of it?" I still looked weary as he opened the door. "You don't have to get anything Bella. But I am. Will you sit with me?"
I nodded and Jake's smile widened. We headed inside to a nearly empty tattoo parlor. I assumed Pat was behind the desk, drawing something out in a sketch pad.
"Can I help you?" Pat's voice was low and gravelly, probably from years of smoking.
"Yeah, I'm interested in getting a tattoo." Jake still had that goofy smile on his face.
"Well obviously dumbass." I noticed the smile leave Jake's face. "What of?"
"A-a-a wolf." He seemed slightly nervous now.
After producing ID to prove he was 18, Jake and Pat went through several books of different drawings and pictures of tattoos on people. Pat started to sketch something out as Jake watched. He seemed to approve, because after Jake nodded, Pat led him to the back of the shop towards a chair surrounded by several tattooing devices…so I assumed.
Jake was getting it on his left pectoral, so he quickly pulled his shirt off and threw it in my direction. Once he was settled in the chair, Pat transferred the design onto Jake's chest. I watched with rapt attention as Pat began to slowly apply the ink to Jake's skin. Every so often, Jake would scrunch up his eyebrows, lips pursed slightly as if trying to hide the fact that he was in obvious pain. I giggled next to him.
"What are you getting girly?" Pat inclined his head towards me, never taking his eyes off his canvas for a moment.
"Oh, I don't know…" I started.
But the more I watched, the more I wanted one. I had never been one to object to tattoos, but it was also something that never came up before. Now that I was here, maybe I could be daring. And the needle…maybe the physical pain would be distracting from the emotional pain I felt.
"You should do it Bells. Get a nice rose or something."
"A rose? A girl as beautiful as her shouldn't get a rose."
At the mention of the word "beautiful" an unwanted image popped into my head. Edward in a hotel room, surrounded by orchids.
"Did you know orchids symbolize beauty?" I shook my head no. "They are lovely, true. But they do not even compare to you, my love."
I shook my head to rid it of thoughts of our time at the Peninsula. I was so happy then, and Edward had declared me as beautiful, something I always wanted to be in his eyes. Edward had thought I was beautiful. I could not hear any lie in his voice when he told me that back then. The recollection didn't seem to point to a lie either.
I was always so quick to second guess myself, especially when it came to my looks. I wanted to think positively about myself, even if being beautiful to Edward wasn't enough to keep him with me.
"How about an orchid?"
Pat smiled at me as he paused work on Jake's wolf.
"Now that is pretty damn perfect for you."
Before I knew it, I was getting bandaged up along my right ribcage. Jake had asked why I chose that spot.
"Well, I wanted it somewhere inconspicuous, somewhere Charlie would never see, but still have it somewhere that I could see every day."
"It just looks…so painful." He winced as he ran a hand lightly over his chest.
"I've felt worse." I cast my eyes down as I let that slip out.
"Bella…" Jake started almost as a warning.
"Thanks for doing this, paying for me I mean."
Jake had insisted, as it was his idea in the first place. He told me to plug my ears and look away when Pat rang him up for mine, but I saw how expensive his was. I definitely felt like I needed to repay him. I guess I'd be hanging out with him a lot more.
Later that night, as I removed the bandage to clean the area, I admired the art on my body. There was a single stem that curved slightly down my side, three fully opened orchid blooms along it. They were shaded a deep purple. The skin around it was still red from the intrusion and I longed for the day when it was completely healed. I knew I'd look at it and instantly think "beautiful" and for that one piece of my relationship with Edward, I was truly grateful. That knowledge only increased my good mood as I had something that I would never resent him for.
When Alice called, I excitedly told her about my new tattoo. She seemed so taken back at the news that I had gone through with it, but when I told her what it was of, I heard her typical squeal ring through the phone.
"What Alice?"
"I know those are the flowers Edward got for you for your Valentine's weekend."
"So?"
"So…deep down I think you know he still loves you. Why else would you get something permanently marked on your body that reminds you of him?"
"Not of him Alice…of what it symbolizes."
"Keep telling yourself that sweetheart."
--
Another week passed by. I had successfully gone without calling or texting Edward for some time now. I had work, Alice and Jake to thank. Those three in combination helped keep me busy and so exhausted that by the end of the night I usually just threw myself in bed without a second thought.
Mike was still hovering, trying to push me to accept a date, and I was still saying no. Jake still called or stopped by every day to hang out. He thought it was weird that I never let him in the house, but after telling him about Charlie's rule, he understood.
"I wouldn't be surprised if he installed hidden cameras in the house." We both laughed at that. I wouldn't put it past him either, only I knew he had no time to do so before leaving.
And Alice with her damned phone calls, was still telling me every night how Edward was still in love with me.
"Bella, do you still wear the necklace he gave you?"
"Yes." I only took it off to shower. I couldn't part with the one piece of him that stayed close to me. I still loved him deeply, I always would. Even if he did not love me back, I wanted to remember him. I was in no danger of resenting him. In fact, my feelings for him had not changed one bit since he left me at the airport, no matter how harsh it was.
"I wonder where his is, because he didn't leave it here. It wasn't in his apartment or his room at home. I know because I looked everywhere for it."
"He probably got rid of it, threw it away or pawned it."
"You know Edward would never do that."
"Yeah maybe."
"He still wears it Bella." Again with the determined voice, as if she clearly knew he still wore it.
"No Alice. He has no reason to wear it anymore."
"He's miserable, did you know that? He won't really talk to me. But my mom and dad can hear it. Edward always was one to wear his emotions on his sleeve. He's miserable because he still loves you and knows he fucked up."
"Alice," I started as calmly as possible, "pardon my French, but shut the fuck up. He doesn't ok? He doesn't love me anymore." Sobs began to work themselves through my system. I hadn't felt this awful in awhile and was unprepared to handle it.
"Why are you so quick to deny it Bella? After all he did? How can you second guess all that he did, all that he said to you, because of a few stupid sentences?"
"Because…" I was huddled on the floor of my bedroom, pillow clutched to my chest in an attempt to keep from totally falling apart. "If he still loved me, how could he say that to me…leave me like that? It hurt so much Alice. So fucking much."
"He doesn't know any better. You are the only real relationship he has ever been in. Edward has always been so… self sacrificing. If he thought it was what was best for you, then he'd do it, at whatever cost. Hurt you to help you or whatever bullshit he tries to tell himself in order to justify his actions."
"I can't…Alice I can't…"
"You can't what sweetie?"
"I can't keep going back and forth, hoping he still loves me. When it turns out he doesn't, I just…I can't. I'm not strong enough." Words left me as I cried uncontrollably into the phone.
"Oh Bella, I know it's hard. But you'll see. He can't keep hurting both of you like this for much longer. Just try and be strong for a little bit longer. If he doesn't do something soon, I will go out to Maryland and kick his ass. Ok? Emmett will come too. He's been dying to beat the shit out of Edward since he found out what he did."
I managed to let out a very weak laugh as she said goodbye.
--
Saturday I woke up to…the sun. The brightness coming through my window helped to lighten the dark mood I had woken up in. I would also be spending the entire day with Jake up in Port Angeles. Pat wanted us to come in for touch ups on our tattoos, so we figured we'd make a day out of it.
I still had a few hours before Jake was coming to pick me up. I decided to make the most of the sunshine, always fearful of sudden clouds rushing in, and read outside. After spreading a blanket out on the always damp grass, I stretched out to read. Sue had left some "really great teenage vampire" book at the house. She kept going on and on about it. I finally relented, though the premise sounded ridiculous, and decided to read it in the sunshine.
As I got lost in the book, I discovered that it was absolutely captivating and heartbreaking. The vampire's name was Edward. Edward! And not only that, but it was a love story. Even though it pained me, I continued on. I lost track of time, startling when Jake called to tell me he was on his way to pick me up.
I heard a knock on the door just as I finished running a brush through my hair. As soon as I opened the door, Jake was pulling me into a bone crushing hug. I winced, afraid he'd damage my tattoo, and pushed him off me. I tenderly rubbed my side, hoping it was ok.
"For goodness sake Bella, It's been a week and a half. It's fine. I don't think me hugging you will hurt it."
"Yeah, but…I'm just paranoid I guess. Besides, what's got you in such a good mood today?"
"It's a beautiful day out! It's gonna be a great day, I can just feel it!" He sounded so much like Alice right there that I laughed along with his loud chuckles.
--
Nothing remarkable happened in Port Angeles. I guess Jake wasn't as good as Alice. It had been fun, but nothing…great. Though to be honest, nothing great had really happened to me since Edward left me at the airport. Pat had been very pleased with how my orchid had healed. He told me that it was a beautiful piece of art for an already beautiful girl. I of course blushed as Jake ushered me outside, declaring he was getting the "creepy" vibe from Pat.
He was so protective of me. Occasionally he'd wrap an arm around my shoulder, or put his hand on the small of my back as he led me through the crowd downtown. It felt weird…so inappropriate, but I knew he didn't mean anything by it. We had been hanging out going on three weeks without any crossing the line behavior. I wasn't afraid he'd make a move or anything.
There were a few times when I saw a silver car drive by and my heart ached in remembrance of Edward's Volvo. My mind took me to the time we made love on his front seat. I had wanted him to smell me every time he got in it. Did he even bother taking the car with him to Maryland?
The hardest part of the day had been as we walked towards a small café. I spotted a head of reddish brown hair, so like Edward's, heading down a side street out of view. My fingers twitched at the thought of his silky hair passing through them. I shoved both hands in my pockets to try and keep the phantom feelings at my fingertips.
It was getting late and my feet were starting to hurt from all the walking we had done. I fell asleep on the drive back to Forks. Jake shook me a little to wake me up so I could crawl into the house and in bed. When I stumbled out of the car, Jake decided to help me to the front door, afraid my legs couldn't support my weight anymore.
As I went to step up onto the front porch, my foot, heavy with my drowsiness, caught on the step. I stumbled forward with arms outstretched to catch myself, cushion the fall. Jake wrapped both arms around me, pulling my body against his, before I hit the ground. I was lost in the similar sensation of a habit Edward had taken to so often that I almost moved into Jake's embrace. But I checked my actions before I gave off the wrong impression, pushing gently away from his body so he would not get offended.
"Thanks Jake. Really, that would've hurt a lot if I had fallen."
"No prob…" He trailed off as his eyes moved down slightly towards my chest. I felt his hands, still on me, dig slightly into my sides.
A quick scan told me that I hadn't like…popped out or anything. Why was he staring at me? I looked at his face His expression was angry and I grew even more confused.
"Jake?"
"What the fuck are you doing wearing that?!"
"What?"
He rose a trembling hand to my neck, gripping onto the chains around it, sliding his fingers down to the pendant with Edward's name on it. Edward's necklace.
"I...um...it was a gift."
"SO?!" I flinched at his harsh voice.
"I promised…promised I'd never take it off." I whispered the words, afraid of Jake's reaction.
"SO?!" he repeated. "Why does he deserve your promises? Bella he…is a piece of shit. The minute he left you at the airport, you should've ripped that necklace off and thrown it away. Why didn't you?"
"I couldn't." My voice was small and timid next to his. Tears were coming fast and I couldn't do a thing to stop them.
"Because of the promise? Fuck the promise." Jake was seething in his rage.
"Because I still love him." I blurted out, not really thinking. The only other person, besides myself, that I had admitted this to was Alice. I watched as Jake's eyes softened, his shoulders hunching down slightly.
"Listen Bells. I love you, right? We're tight like family. All I wanted to do was help you get over that fucker, help you move on and stop being so sad all the time. But if you're not willing to give him up in your heart, no amount of my help will do you any good."
"I'm sorry Jake." I was crying harder now. "I know you were trying to help, and you did, but I can't just stop…stop loving him. Ever," I finished, my voice barely audible.
"Why don't you get some sleep Bells…you could use the rest. I'll talk to you tomorrow ok?"
I nodded as I unlocked the door and headed inside. Like so many nights before, I simply kicked my shoes off and plopped on top of my bed, not needing to get under covers as the sun had warmed my bedroom all day long.
Even though I was overwhelmed with the encounter I just had with Jake, I slipped into a light, uneasy sleep. My brain had gotten good at shutting out, at least consciously, the bad thoughts and feelings. It wasn't strong enough to keep it out of the subconscious so I could fall into a deep sleep, but it was something. It was a start.
I was jarred awake suddenly. My hand went out to my phone on instinct. Alice probably called…I had missed our regular conversation tonight. But my phone registered no missed call. So what woke me up?
As my brain defogged from the sleep I had been in, my ears pricked at a sound coming from...somewhere. I had no idea what it was at first, nor where it came from. I rubbed the remaining sleep from my eyes. Once I was done and could concentrate more fully on the sound, I realized it was coming from my window. My window? The curtains hanging over my window muffled the sound, keeping it a mystery to me. I was so curious as to what had me waking up in the middle of the night. Normally I would be irritated at the interruption of sleep, but I had to know. My feet carried me to the open window, my hand inches away from pulling the curtain back to see what was going on outside. I stopped when I realized that soft music was floating up to my ears. Then the vocals joined in, and I knew...
*runs away laughing evilly*
next chapter is EPOV *gasp* which will be out much sooner. much much sooner
if you're happy and you know it click "review" *click click* (god i've had way too much caffeine to wake up up after...4 hrs of sleep *yawn*)
oh and i'll be putting a link in my profile to the tat that served as inspiration to bella's tat (thanks again to kathy who helped me find a non vag looking orchid. bwahaha)