Disclaimer: The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings and all characters therein are the property of the Tolkien Estate and Wingnut Films. This story is for entertainment only and the author is in no way profiting from it, nor exercising any claims to The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings.
Author's Note: Just a thank you once again for everyone's support and reviews! You guys really make my day! Kaia and Lady Dunla- I went back and looked at the first book of Narnia (which I read once about 25 years ago) and you're right, Radagast does sound a bit like the professor! I think it's just something about getting older that makes people swear they never acted like that when they were that age. Scribe
36. To Walk in Darkness
When Thorin woke, the clearing was filled with dwarves bustling about in the morning light. Surprised, the king tried to shift his sore body into a seated position only to stifle a groan and squeeze his eyes shut as his shoulders radiated pain down both arms and across his chest. Before he could tumble back onto the blankets, however, hands caught him, easing him upright and holding there until the other was certain he wouldn't simply flop back over. Thorin almost did anyway as he opened his eyes to find Gloin's face only inches away, peering at him intently in an eerie recreation of the Brown Wizard's actions of the previous night. Thorin groaned, glaring at his cousin as the instinctive flinch stirred abused muscles once more.
"Is there a reason you're in my face, Gloin?"
If the other was ruffled by his kinsman's temper, he didn't show it, simply backing away with a satisfied grunt, though Thorin could not imagine what everyone was finding so fascinating in his face.
"You look better than we had any right to expect. Dis!"
The sharp summons brought not only Thorin's sister, but Dwalin as well, both visibly brightening at seeing him awake.
"How are you feeling, brother?"
"Sore." He grumbled sourly, trying to look around them to see who else was in the clearing as her mode of address jolted his memories of the previous night to the fore. "Fili? Kili?"
"I'm fine, Uncle." The voice came from behind him, making Thorin twist around to see his younger nephew walking towards them with only the aid of a stout stick. "Fili- Radagast left with him this morning just before the others arrived."
There was an apprehension in the prince's words, as if he waited to be scolded, though that was the furthest thing from Thorin's mind. He'd learned long ago that it seldom went well to challenge a wizard.
"How was Fili when they left? Did you speak to him?"
Their uncle fervently hoped not, mostly because he did not want Kili to have gone through that alone. He had seen a side to his brother that he would not soon forget, and it would be hard to tell how much was truly Fili and how much the darkness inherent in anything touched by Mordor's dead lord. The younger dwarf, however, was too calm for any such interaction to have taken place, with an air of sadness and worry about him as the brunette head shook.
"He was still unconscious. Radagast put Fili on that sled of his and told me to stay here, that the others were coming and the animals he's friends with would keep watch."
Kili folded himself down onto the ground next to his uncle with much of the innate grace he'd always had, but which had been conspicuously absent since their return to the living. As the prince laid the stick he'd been using across his lap, the king recognized it as the branch he had been slowly working on during their journey. He'd been meaning to present it to Kili when the other no longer needed the crutches, but feared it had been lost when Fili yanked them from camp so unexpectedly. His nephew's hands were slowly tracing the scenes carved into it, taken from their quest so long ago, pausing to trace the outline of the mountain with the Arkenstone at its heart.
"Radagast… I don't know what he did, but my back is much better, and I feel stronger than I have since waking…here."
The emphasis he placed on the last word made it clear that the prince meant their new time and surroundings, not the forest. Thorin could scarcely comprehend the change as he intently examined his younger sister-son. There was brightness to Kili's eyes and liveliness to his expression that had been too often supplanted by constant exhaustion; a weakness that the other now showed no sign of beyond the need for a walking stick to aid his steps. For this change alone, the king was willing to give the wizard the benefit of the doubt and wait as instructed. For a while, anyway. Thorin reached out, stifling the resulting groan, and ruffled the wild hair affectionately, earning a cheeky grin from the prince.
His nephew's smile slipped, however, worry in those expressive eyes quickly reminding his uncle that all were not yet whole. The raven head glanced at those surrounding him, then dropped back to staring at the detail on the walking stick, words a soft, forlorn whisper that they could barely hear.
"For the first time that I can remember, I don't know what to say to him, or even if I'll be able to look at him."
The three older dwarves shared pained grimaces of helplessness at that, unsure themselves of how to deal with this latest mess. None needed to be told to whom Kili referred.
"Kili, no. You can't-"
Dis' worried correction was cut off at a sharp gesture from her son.
"I know that the taint was influencing Fili, Mother! I know that! But what he did… Can you truly tell me that some part of him was not aware of how wrong it was? I thought I truly knew my brother, what he was capable of. Even when we fought, I knew what to say, how to handle things once we'd both calmed down, but this…"
Thorin sighed, but he could not fault Kili for his fears. Everything in the delusion had been centered on the goal of keeping Kili safe, no matter how misguided or brutal, but that very reasoning had made the madness all the more chilling, for it was impossible to now separate the actions caused by the taint from those that were deep inside 'Fili'. What lengths would Fili go to in the future if his brother were threatened? And to what lengths would Kili go to prevent just such a dilemma from occurring? Those were not questions that could be easily answered, nor were they ones that would sit quietly in the mind now that they had occurred to him.
The princess blinked back tears, eyes seeking out her brother in a silent plea to fix this as he'd somehow handled everything else that had been thrown at them lately, but Thorin could only shake his head. How could he advise Kili to deal with the darkness within one he'd trusted implicitly when the older dwarf didn't know what to do himself? He couldn't simply excuse Fili's actions, yet he also could not condemn the other for them; not when he was guilty of as much or worse due to the gold sickness. A sudden thought had Thorin looking sharply at his nephew before attempting a casual tone.
"We will deal with it, Kili, somehow. Just remember that he is still Fili, still the older brother that you have always known. Tell me, how are you otherwise? What do you remember now of our journey to Erebor?"
The prince's brow knit in confusion at the sudden shift in topic, but for once, the younger dwarf did not question it, simply shrugging.
"I remember almost everything up until reaching Laketown, according to Fili. After that… Sometimes I have glimpses of what I think might be memories in my dreams, but they are so fragmented, so short, that I usually don't bother to ask about them. Why? Did something happen?"
Thorin felt as if Dwalin had slammed his war hammer into his gut, finally pinning down what had bothered him about Kili's reactions to his brother's madness, but he stayed silent, shaking his head and hoping that he did not give himself away. When Kili believed that someone was attempting to shield him, even if it were for the young prince's own good, he could be worse than a warg upon the scent of blood. He would worry, wonder, build wild speculations in his head, and work himself up into such a state that they would have to tell him for his own good, something that Thorin definitely did not want occurring now.
"I simply wondered, Kili that is all."
Movement by the fire drew the king's attention past his distressed sister to see Bofur, arm in a sling, glance over at them and then resolutely turn back to instructing his son in chopping wild onions. Seated on the log by Thorin's head, Dwalin heaved a disgruntled sigh.
"He's alright; the slice is shallow and already healing. Had you not shoved Fili, though…? Thorin, I'm certain he aimed to kill him."
The king could not argue with that assertion as he had come to the same conclusion in that split second before it happened, though he wished the warrior had not stated it where Kili could hear. The younger dwarf had blanched, and was now fidgeting restlessly. They all knew what was not said; that Bofur would be justified under the laws of their people in demanding retribution once they had returned to Erebor, which would mean the incident would become public knowledge throughout the mountain…
If the others rejected Fili now, then their quest was done, there was no longer any point in racing the tides of time to the mountain, for the princes would never sit upon the throne of Erebor. Nori could place his people to stop the cult's take-over, but whatever fate they feared with the princes' arrival, they would be safe from, something that he was certain would spell disaster for their people. Thorin would also have to look elsewhere for an heir, the line of Durin finally spent as Kili would never consent to rule without his brother, and young Therin had not proven himself in battle.
"What of the mercenaries following us? Fili mentioned that you had encountered them."
Gloin gave a snort of disdain while Dwalin rolled his eyes, instantly reassuring their royal cousin that it could not have been a very serious encounter.
"That bunch! Only the Urak-hai were any challenge, and we quickly taught them why their kin fear dwarves!" Gloin's grin was fierce, brown eyes sparkling in memory. "Most of the others turned tail and ran when the blood started flowing. I wish them luck finding their way out of Mirkwood!"
"Enough of that for now." Dis ordered sternly, rummaging in her pack, which she had set down next to the log. "Gloin, would you and Dwalin aid my brother with his tunic? Radagast left something that should help your shoulders, and I want to take a look at your wrists, too."
Thorin was being pulled out of his tunic before he could even reply, none among the dwarves so foolhardy as to ignore their princess when she took that tone!
It was late in the afternoon when the wizard reappeared, escorting Fili into the clearing, a friendly hand upon the prince's shoulder giving him a shove toward them before walking over to draw Legolas off to the side. The blonde looked pale, pain lines showing around his eyes, but calm, the glint of tainted madness gone. He stopped short of the party, head dropping to lock on the ground, hands flexing in a nervous habit Thorin had not seen from him in many years. Next to him, Kili unconsciously mirrored his brother's stance, sun and shadow, two halves that might never again be whole. Slowly, as if approaching an unpredictable wild creature, the other dwarves moved to stand several feet away, silent, and waiting.
Finally, after several minutes, Dis made a noise of disgust deep in her throat, moving to push past her brother to go to her eldest's side, but he was quick to stop her with a firm hand on the arm. If Fili saw, he made no sign of it as the tension in the clearing grew as thick as the steamy late summer air. All held their breath as Bofur at last stepped forward, jaw clenched and dark eyes shadowed under his hat, to confront the one who had drawn his blood in such a brutal, cowardly fashion. There was a low keen of distress from Kili, but no one moved, all acknowledging the impromptu dwarven court. Bofur's footfalls sounded as loud as beats upon a drum, each one drawing closer to doom or deliverance.
"Did you, Fili, son of Dis, grandson of Thrain, mean to raise your hand against me?"
Only the wind through the leaves of the trees made any sound, even the birds and animals somehow sensing the import of those toneless words, spoken as if asking no more than the direction of the nearest inn from a stranger in the village street. Tension made Fili's body quiver like the just released string of his brother's bow, and for a long moment, it looked as if he would make no answer, an instant admission of full guilt. Finally, the blonde met Bofur's gaze, blue eyes unshielded, shouting the guilt, distress, and sorrow the other felt for all to see.
"No." His voice broke on the word, then steadied, hands coming unclenched and body relaxing. "No, I swear to you, Bofur, that I would not do so. I saw only a traitor who held my brother captive and sought his death."
At those words, the toymaker took one more step, placing him right before the prince, and clasped Fili's shoulder with his good hand.
"Then I neither need nor accept any further apology or recompense from you, my prince."
With those gently spoken words, the air seemed to lighten around them, sounds returning to the forest as Bofur gathered the prince to him, golden head on the older dwarf's shoulder as the toymaker whispered in his ear. Whatever the other said, it provoked a weak laugh from Fili before he nodded and straightened, blue eyes finally going over Bofur's shoulder to meet with those of his family.
Dis moved first, twisting her arm from Thorin's hold to meet her son with arms open wide, enveloping him in a hug so fierce her brother feared she might crack her son's ribs. No matter how forgiving Dis' greeting, however, there was still a slump to the older prince's shoulders, a dejected air that prevented him from fully returning his mother's hug. Gently, he pushed her back, placing a kiss upon her forehead before resolutely stepping forward to stand before his uncle and younger brother.
Blue eyes met brown, and Fili reached for his sibling only to have Kili flinch from the hand, fear flickering momentarily across his face before it was quickly masked. Not, however, before Fili had read his brother as easily as he always had and taken an involuntary step backward as if struck. Anger clouded his features, and then the blonde spun around, bolting from the campsite as quickly as if a warg pack snapped at his heels. Thorin swore, not caring who heard, and jerked his head at Dwalin and Gimli, standing together a few feet away. The two dwarves needed nothing more, hefting weapons as they disappeared into the woods after the prince to guard him, whether he wished it or not. Kili, meanwhile, had gone white, face twisted in appalled distress at his own actions as he stared after his brother.
"I didn't- I don't-"
Thorin put a hand on Kili's shoulder, making the young dwarf glance at him.
"I know you didn't, Kili. Stay here, I will speak with him."
The prince only nodded woodenly, Thorin catching his sister's nod of understanding over her younger son's shoulder. Divide and conquer it would be, then. The king headed into the brush to find his older nephew, stifling a moan with each swing of his arms required to push aside obstacles in his path. He had not taken the time for his sister to apply another layer of the ointment that Radagast had left to sooth his abused muscles, an oversight he was paying for now. Fortunately, Fili had exercised enough common sense even in his distress not to go too far, Dwalin and Gimli already stationed discretely nearby.
The blonde was leaning against one of the great trees; shoulders slumped, staring listlessly out into the forest. Thorin hesitated, and then resolutely put a hand to the prince's shoulder, tightening his hold when the other immediately tried to shrug him off. This had been a brutal reminder to Thorin that no matter how mature and self-assured Fili often acted, he was truly still young and untried, attempting to assume a role that he did not fully understand.
"You scared him, Fili. This is the first time that he has ever seen such darkness in another."
His nephew scoffed at that, fist hitting the bark of the tree he leaned against, anger making his blue eyes dark.
"What do you mean? Kili is better at understanding what moves the cult is likely to make than any of us. Everything that happened, I did because I was trying to protect him and now he flinches from me as if I were some kind of monster!"
"He did not grow up following the cult's every move, imitating and trusting them as he did you. He will not find it easy to be around you for now, but you cannot give in to anger at him for it. To understand that someone you love is capable of such things is a bitter lesson for anyone, even if he knows that much of it was out of your control. "
That, at least, finally made Fili turn to rest his back against the trunk, fully facing Thorin.
"But, the gold sickness…" The prince trailed off, coming to the same realization that his uncle had earlier in the day. "He doesn't remember it, does he? And no one's told him."
"No." The king agreed, placidly accepting the accusation underlying the other's words. "I do not intentionally keep it from him, Fili, but I also do not think now is the time to address it, do you?"
The look he received in return was scathing, needing no elaboration about how obvious the answer was.
"The best advice that I can give you is to be open with him, Fili. Tell Kili what it was like for you, what you saw. Give him a way to understand what right now is inexplicable. Show him that you are still the brother he grew up shadowing."
Fili nodded slightly, and then closed his eyes, head resting back against the rough bark.
"And what of the others? I'm not even certain who it was I actually tried to kill."
Thorin blinked in surprise, mind racing as he tried to follow his nephew's thoughts.
"What do you mean? Bofur-"
A wave of one hand stopped the king mid-sentence.
"Bofur is who I hit because you knocked into me and threw off my aim, thank Mahal. My intended target was whoever was next to him, and I don't even know who it really was to apologize. All I saw was one of Saruman's orcs."
Thorin sucked in a heavy breath, eyes widening briefly as the enormity of what had almost happened truly hit home, how close his family had come to being completely destroyed in an instant. Swallowing thickly, he made a show of trying to recall in order to cover his distress. Then, once he was certain that he could maintain his composure, he looked Fili full in the face and lied.
"I do not remember who it was, nor is it important at this point."
Not that his judgment would prevent Fili from asking the others anyway. Thorin silently vowed to speak with everyone discreetly before this went any further. The last thing that Fili needed now was to discover that it was his own mother he'd almost killed! Unfortunately, if anything, the prince was now more troubled, and Thorin scrambled to think what else he might say to the lad.
"We have never spoken of the actions that I took while lost to the gold sickness. You are not alone in what you feel now- the guilt, shame, worry."
It was perhaps not the most elegantly phrased opening, but Fili seemed to catch the intent anyway, expression now thoughtful as his body language finally lost some of that guarded rigidity. Thorin allowed the other time to ponder that revelation, knowing of old that when Fili was ready, he would ask for what he truly needed. Sure enough, as the forest around them began to darken with the coming dusk, the prince spoke, tired and hoarse with the weight of the emotions he'd been under.
"How do you know you can trust yourself? That it was the taint and not me that kicked you so casually? When Kili flinched from me, I feared that I might actually-"
The blonde cut off, flushing and dropping his head to stare at one toe of a boot as he dug it into the soil.
"You feared that you would give into the anger and strike him."
"Yes."
The answer was mumbled to the turf, only the somewhat tangled blonde hair visible to his uncle. Thorin throttled down his own anger and frustrations, bringing one hand up to cradle the side of Fili's face, thumb sweeping away the lone tear while the fingers curled around the back of the neck, forcing the other to move his head up.
"Look at me, Fili."
His nephew reluctantly complied, the unhappiness and self-doubt revealed there tearing at Thorin's very soul. He would have given anything for this sensitive, innocent child to never be forced to learn this lesson!
"Do not cut yourself off from all emotion. You must take the chance to feel or you will never re-learn to trust yourself again, and that will cripple you." Thorin paused, then resumed as a wise voice from the past spoke gently to another troubled, angry dwarf in his memory. "To have walked in darkness, young prince, is to have walked truly alone; it acknowledges no friendship, understands no love but for one's self. When you realize that you are acting for self alone, that is when you must stop and question yourself. And if you do not trust yourself, reach out to those around you, your family and friends. You are not alone in this, and so you cannot truly be lost, can you?"
There was the faintest trace of a smile on Fili's lips.
"That sounds like something Balin would have said."
"That is because it was, after I had made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Unfortunately, it was when I forgot that advice that I made one even worse. Fili, when I was lost to the gold sickness, I cared nothing for our people, or the lofty goals that made me set out on the quest in the first place. Friends were noise in my ears, meaningless except as they could be used for my own ends, even Dwalin and Balin. All I could think of was that treasure and the Arkenstone. I was willing to kill Bilbo by my own hand and let the others die, even you and Kili… The very fact that you feared the reaction you might have to your brother shows that you are no longer lost, or you would not have hesitated to do as you willed. Do you not think that I have doubted the wisdom of trusting myself to lead those who would return to Khazad-dûm with me? I have already failed once, by what right do I claim the kingship of the greatest of our ancient kingdoms?"
Thorin had not meant to turn this into a question of his own doubts, but they slipped out anyway. Fili's blue eyes locked with his, and his uncle could only breathe another thank you to Mahal for the trust and love he saw there once more.
"You are Durin VII. You will not fail again, Uncle. Not with all of us behind you."
"Then trust my word that you may give into your anger without once more becoming the monster, Fili, because if you can make it through even a week without becoming upset at something that brother of yours says or does, you belong with Mahal, not us mere mortals!"
That provoked a genuine, though weak, laugh, at the fond exasperation in Thorin's tone.
"Did you leave Mother to handle Kili?"
"Yes." The dwarf king heaved a heartfelt sigh of frustration. "Somehow Dis is always able to get through that stubbornness of his while I only end up cursing."
The chuckle was stronger this time, braid beads clacking gently against one another as the golden head shook in amusement.
"You and Kili are too much alike, Uncle. Mother and I have both known that for years."
To Thorin, that small glimpse of his nephew's normal behavior was welcome. What Fili needed perhaps more than anything was to be reassured that this incident would not turn his family away from him, but a simple straightforward statement was not always understood where friendly teasing would convey his message. Accordingly, he raised an eyebrow at his smirking nephew, allowing his answer to come out in a mock growl.
"Are you implying that your mother, my sister, handles your brother so much easier than I because she has had decades of practice on me, her elder brother?"
Finally, the sparkle came back into Fili's eyes as he danced a few steps away, out of range of his uncle.
"You said it, Uncle, not me!"
"Ach!" Thorin swept a hand at the impudent blonde, letting it come to rest on his sword hilt. "Move, young dwarf, before I find a use for the flat of my blade!"