Matt's Guide to Love, Dating, and Marriage

Lesson 34

"Disagreements Under the roof's Influence, or DUI for short." (I didn't count the R as a capital because I really wanted a chapter with DUI as the title :D)

(A/N: Hawaii was great and amazinggggg....it was really nice and stuff, except for the part where a guy tried to sell me "pronic." Which, if you don't know, is the same thing as pot...I think....)

So you had a really, really bad day at work. Your car broke down halfway there, it rained and you were wearing white pants and your favorite rocket ship undies, you have to walk five miles to work because no cabs or buses run by there, your boss yells at you for obscenity in the office, you find out that your secretary is getting laid by your boss and so consequently has not had any time to alphabetize those really important games that just came in, your coworker laughed at you for your rocket ship undies, a thirteen year old boy laughed at you for your rocket ship undies, obese ladies hit on you for your rocket ship undies, and then when you walk back to your car, you discover that twenty-seven hoboes and one hippie managed to make a love shack out of it.

So you had a horrible day.

Then you come home to find out that that really expensive tiger cub in your household has just ripped up all the new silk sheets you had gotten for YOUR OWN PERSONAL RELAXATION.

So, consequently, you take it out into the backyard, and when calm talking does not work with it and it attempts to rip up your ass for the rocket ship undies, you pull out your conveniently concealed gun and cock it.

And your lover comes out into the backyard and screams at you for attempting to shoot an endangered species.

And you lose it.

COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION, OF COURSE.

Anyway, this chapter deals with how not to argue with your lover, and, if needs be, how to resolve an argument with your lover.

I mean, it's understandable that you don't, in general, want to argue with your lover. But if you're one of those fiery types, or one of those prosecutor types (cough cough Mikami-esque cough cough) then, it may just be in your nature to argue with your lover, and that's part of your natural charm. NOT.

Anyway. To avoid arguing with your lover, you should be agreeable. Even if you have to bite the inside of your cheek, you should be agreeable with them if you don't want frequent arguments in your household. And God knows that it's bad for the children to hear their parents arguing all the time! Then they'll grow up to be lawyers for huge corporate companies, and then they'll eventually sue Disney for being extremely racist and Disney will lose all its enterprises and Disneyland Tokyo would be very sad to take down their Hello Kitty roller coaster, I'm sure.

At least, I think Disneyland Tokyo is the one with the Hello Kitty roller coaster. What with Mattello and Mello, I don't really have time to go to amusement parks much.

If you absolutely cannot be agreeable, or if your lover is one of those types who wants to debate everything and doesn't want you to be agreeable (cough cough Mikami-esque cough cough), then I suggest for the first option, you drug yourself with something rather pleasant and mind-numbing (magic mushrooms work wonders, although make sure to clear out the laxatives in your house before taking them...you might just confuse your laxatives with happy pills), and for the second option, bite your tongue very very hard or stomp on your foot really really hard. That generally tends to put you in an argumentative mood.

And then that way, both you and your lover are happy. :D

If you are already in an argument with your lover, the best way to get out of it is to apologize. If you absolutely refuse to apologize and are as stubborn as a pig, then use a child for cover. Or a pet. Or some individual you picked up off the street whose life has been drastically affected by the domestic violence of you and your partner. Something like that. That's usually the best method.

Or, you know, the whole kiss and make up theory has been tried and true, also.

You know what they say, make up sex is the best part of arguing.

But you can have great sex without the argument. I just want to make that fact clear. All you need is some alcohol and some lacy black thongs and stilettos, and you're pretty much good to go.

BAD EXAMPLE :(

So one day, Light woke up and discovered that his son, Z, had decided to conveniently highlight his own hair (Light's) so that they could be zebras together.

So he thought, ok, easy fix, I'll just put on this lovely "Honey-Brown Hair Dye For Men" that I picked up at Walmart the other day.

He applied it, waited 20 minutes, then rinsed it off only to discover that it had turned his gorgeous beautiful hair a hot pink.

L came in to find Light attempting to strangle Z while shaving off Z's black hair with childproof scissors, and immediately gasped and passed out on the floor and gave himself a concussion.

This prompted Light to take L to the hospital in order to avoid him dying from a horrendous skull fracture or what not.

When L woke up, he saw Light's hot pink hair, and instantly accused him of trying to make fun of his love of strawberry ice cream. Of course, being L, he completely forgot about the whole Z incident, and poor Z was forgotten amongst the ensuing argument of how Light was not, in fact, attempting to imitate a strawberry.

GOOD EXAMPLE :) (although completely not recommended)

For once, Mikami is in the good example category. I know, this comes as a shock to everyone. Maybe it also comes from the fact that I went and saw 2012 the other day. The apocalypse is coming, people, and this is just another sign of it.

Anyway, 2012 aside....

So Mikami and one of his now deceased wives got in an argument over dresses and Saku Jo.

Mikami held up Saku Jo as a distraction, threw Saku Jo against the wall (although, unbeknownst to the deceased wife, that specific area of the wall was padded precisely according to Saku Jo's body), and when the wife was screaming at Mikami about how he abused his own daughter, he promptly wrote her name in the Death Note and then she was dead.

Well, that was certainly one unorthodox way of resolving an argument.

It's not recommended though, people.

No, seriously.

You can't go killing off your lover just because they don't like the dress you got them.

PERFECT EXAMPLE! :D

One day, Mello was complaining about how he hated white chocolate. (Reader whoever said they would be happy if I put a reference about Mello and white chocolate in here, this is specifically for you.)

So instead of arguing back, throwing Mattello against the wall, etc., I simply went to the store and bought him black chocolate.

Inwardly, I scolded him for being racially intolerant against white people.

I ate the white chocolate myself. It was delicious.

Anyway, come back next time for more love, dating, and marriage advice! :D