36 – The Birth of the Playboy

The next morning I awoke to a silent house. I checked my watch and it was 1000 so Gibbs would already have been at work for some time. I lay there for a while just trying to work out my next step. Every time I thought of Wendy my chest would constrict and my eyes would burn so I tried to avoid thinking about her. It wasn't easy.

I had to get some sort of plan of attack into place. I couldn't stay here at Gibbs but I just wasn't ready to go back to our… my apartment just yet. Besides, I didn't even have a car. Thanks to Gibb's rescue on Saturday, my car was still in Baltimore. Or was it? Was that the unmistakable sound of my car engine outside? I went to the bedroom window and looked out in time to see Gibbs step out from behind the wheel and walk into the house. I went downstairs to thank him and offer him a drive into work.

"Already taken care of DiNozzo, Ducky went with me and should be here any minutes to pick me up. My pickup doesn't go as fast as your car."

"I assume Ducky doesn't drive like a mad man either. Please tell me you took care of my car Gibbs, I don't think I could handle another loss right now."

"Relax, I treated your car like a new born babe."

I snorted, "What would you know about new born babes?" I asked.

"So I assume you aren't coming into work this week?" he said changing the subject.

I shrugged not really knowing what I was doing; after all I was supposed to be frolicking on a beach with my new wife right about now. "I think I will take a few days still if that is OK?"

"You're still on two weeks leave but if you want to come back early let me know, otherwise just take the time." He then looked at me. "How are you off for money?"

I didn't even want to think about how much this non-wedding had cost me. We had tried to keep the costs down where we could but a wedding, no matter how cheap, still costs tens of thousands of dollars and even though Wendy and I shared the costs most of that was sitting on my credit cards, or had drained my savings because we were going to be paying it off… together. Then there was the mortgage I was now fully responsible for, rather than sharing that expense too. "In a word, screwed!"

"Can you afford the mortgage on your place?"

"Oh the mortgage will be fine; food, electricity and gas might be an issue though."

"Well if you need any help let me know. I assume you can't get anything back from the wedding."

I shook my head, we would have been lucky to have had received anything back with a weeks notice but with about 18 hours notice I wouldn't see a penny.

"What about the honeymoon, did you cancel that."

I hadn't even thought about that! I didn't want to be slugged for any more fees so I would call them and cancel the booking. Hopefully I would only be charged for a couple of nights that we didn't turn up.

By now Ducky had finally arrived to take Gibbs into work and after a few "so sorry"s and "thank you"s they left and I was once again left to my own miserable thoughts.

I remembered I had to call up and cancel the honeymoon so I grabbed my phone, found the number and called. When the phone was answered I told them who I was and that I was cancelling the honeymoon suite for the rest of the week. There was a pause before the receptionist said, "I'm sorry sir but that party has arrived and is using the room"

What the? "I'm sorry, who exactly is using the room? Because I sure as hell am not."

The receptionist asked me to wait as she was going to get the manager. After a short pause the manager came on and I once again explained that I wanted to cancel the remainder of the week in the honeymoon suite.

"Are you not happy with the facilities Mr DiNozzo?"

"I'm not using the facilities. I am not there."

"But Mrs DiNozzo didn't mention any issue this morning when I spoke to her."

"I'm sorry you spoke to Mrs DiNozzo. Are you sure about that, because I am pretty sure I. Didn't. Get. Married!"

"Oh… I … I…"

I was furious and about to let go with a profanity-laced torrent that would make a Hells Angel member blush, but I managed to regain control. In a controlled, calm and I imagine somewhat scary voice I simply said, "Can you please cancel the room from now and if Miss Miller wishes to remain she can pay for it herself. Can you do that for me?"

"Ah yes Mr DiNozzo, I will talk to Mrs… I mean Miss Miller next time I see her and make those arrangements. I am sorry for the misunderstanding."

"Thank you," I said and hung up. Why that … my mind was spinning with every filthy, disgusting name I could think to call Wendy. She went on our honeymoon… without me! I felt another stab as another emotion knife plunged into my heart via my back. I was furious, hurt, aching and I wanted to break something, anything but this was not my house and these were not my things to break. I grabbed my keys, hopped in the car and drove, and drove and drove, not really knowing where I was going, not having any destination in mind, not caring that I was driving like a maniac.

I was on autopilot so I was surprised when I pulled the car into a car park and realized I had reached my destination. It was late afternoon and as I climbed out of the car and started to walk I could hear the birds chirping their last evening song, the trees' long shadows made the last of the sun's rays strobe as I wandered along the path and then I was finally there; my mother's graveside.

I don't really know why I was here, or what exactly I was hoping to accomplish. I sat down on the grass with my back leaning back against the stone and leant my head back and watched the clouds change color as the sun sent it's last rays of the day through the atmosphere.

I hadn't been here in twenty years. Not since I left for school. Dad used to drag me out here on the anniversary of her death to lay flowers. It was the expected thing to do I suppose. Neither of us would really talk, both of us swept up in our own world of grief. Every time I came out I was overwhelmed again by sadness and anger. Again I would feel I was not enough to keep her here, to keep her happy.

This day I sat here and felt the same feelings of overwhelming sadness and anger but this time these feelings were not directed at my mother. This time Wendy was the cause and today… today I just wanted a mother to talk to and hold me, something I had never really experienced in my life, even when she was alive.

It was ironic that as a child I was not provided with the warmth of a loving parent but felt cold and alone, and here I was today finding comfort in the cold embrace of my mothers marble headstone. Fitting really.

I had long forgiven my mother for what she had done. Mental illness was something you faced nearly every day as a cop so I knew in my mother's mind she was saving not only herself but me also, from the dark hole of despair she was unable to escape and feared she would drag me into.

Today I missed my mother. Not the mother she had been, but the mother she could have been, the mother she should have been.

I sat there for a while, not sure how long but the sun had well and truly set and the crickets and other insects were busy chirping away in the summer evening. I finally stood and placed a hand on her headstone, "I miss you mom." And then I walked away. As sad as I was I actually managed to crack a smile on the way back to the car when a bunch of teens were fooling around with a Oijia Board at a grave when I suddenly appeared from the dark, with my pale sorrowful appearance. They looked up at me, I looked back at them and said, "Boo." I scared the shit out of them and they went running off in terror. Nasty I know but thoroughly entertaining.

I finally returned to my car and found that Gibbs had called me several times. I needed some time to get myself together before I called him. It had been a rollercoaster of a day and I was not in the mood for his unique brand of caring so I decided to start driving back rather than call him.

It was on the drive home that I slid my new persona into place. I wasn't even really aware of the fact I was doing it.

Never again would I allow someone to get that close to me, to see the real Tony DiNozzo. From now on I would hold people at arm's length, never allowing them too close, never allowing them to see my weaknesses. The people I did allow close to me hurt me, damaged me. I couldn't allow that to happen again, not until these fresh wounds were healed and that felt like it would take a very long time.

On the way home I stopped of to have something to eat. Once again I had gone nearly a whole day without food and I could feel my body starting to weaken. This new Tony couldn't be weak, needed to keep up his strength, besides it was a perfect opportunity to see how well my mask would work at hiding my pain from the world.

I pulled into a diner car park and, like I would just before going undercover, I sat and thought about who I was supposed to be, took a deep breath and became that person. I walked into that diner with my shoulders pulled back, tall, confident and happy. I sat at the bar just as a happy, confident man would and winked and smiled at the waitress behind the counter. By the end of the meal I not only had a full stomach but also a free meal and the phone number of the blonde behind the counter.

Yep this would work.

By the time I had arrived back at Gibbs the walls were up, the mask firmly in place, my armor incapable of being pierced by anyone ever again.

It was the early hours of the morning and I assumed Gibbs would be asleep but as I walked in I heard the familiar sounds coming from the basement. Knowing if I didn't go down to him he would come up to me, I made my way down. Gibbs looked up as I started down the stairs but didn't say anything.

"Thought you'd be in bed by now," I said.

Again he looked at me, "Was waiting to hear from you."

I smiled, "Yeah sorry about that, just went for a drive. Forgot to check my messages."

"Rule 3 DiNozzo."

"I didn't think that counted if I was on holidays."

"It always counts. It's 'never be unreachable', not 'never be unreachable unless you are doing something else'."

"Right, won't happen again."

Once again he studied me, "You OK?"

"I'm fine," and I smiled just to prove it. Gibbs eyes narrowed as if he was trying to see inside me. "Well, it's late so I am just going to grab my gear and head home."

"You can stay here tonight you know."

"I know, but I think it is time to head home. Can't hide out here the rest of my life."

Gibbs just nodded not willing to push me any further. As I made my way up to the top of the stairs Gibbs called out again, "Tony." I turned and looked back down at him. "Door's always open if you wanna talk."

"Thanks but I'll be fine. Appreciated your help. I'll be back at work Monday if that is OK?"

"Anytime." I wasn't sure if he was saying I could come to work anytime, or I could come here anytime. Either way the sentiment was appreciated.

I grabbed my gear and headed back to my apartment. It was now only a couple of hours off dawn and I was exhausted so I made my way into my bedroom, and collapsed into bed. Tomorrow was another day.

The rest of the week I spent sorting out my finances, working out a budget and perfecting my persona. On Thursday I received a surprise visit from Wendy's father. I answered the door and he was standing there with a sad expression on his face. I of course greeted him with a smile and offered him a drink. He seemed a little put off but I didn't care. If he was expecting to tell Wendy how sad and pathetic I was then he would be out of luck.

"Tony, Sue and I are just so heartbroken about what happened. It just came as such a shock to us. I want you to know we did everything we could to talk her out of this."

"Well I appreciate that John but it is what it is."

"Well anyway, Wendy asked if I could drop this off to you. It's some legal documents about this here apartment. She is signing it all over to your name so you can do what you want with it. She says she doesn't want any money back or nothing."

"Good to know."

He stood there for another few seconds, an uncomfortable silence surrounding us. "Well I guess I should be going then."

I walked him to the door where he turned around and I could see he had tears in his eyes. "Sue and I really like you Tony, love you in fact. We were so looking forward to having you as a son. I just wish… I wish it was different."

I realized then that I had been so wrapped up in the fact that I had lost Wendy that I didn't realize what else I was missing out on. Her family. Her parents had welcomed me with open arms, her sisters and younger brother enjoyed my company and I theirs. I would miss their Sunday night dinners where I finally understood what it was to have a real family. Yes I had lost much more than just a wife on Saturday. I could feel the fury rising again but it was safely hidden behind my mask.

Instead I just smiled, "So do I John." I closed the door and only when I was alone did I allow my mask to slip and allow the fresh tears to fall. Only in the sanctuary of my home would I allow myself to really feel.

And that was when I realized that I didn't really consider this 'our' place anymore; it was 'my' place. I mean let's face it; Wendy was only in it a couple of times when we inspected it. After I moved in she didn't come down again because she was too busy with the wedding plans. We had never eaten here together, never snuggled on the couch, never made love. There were no memories of her to haunt me here. I decided I was going to keep it. This was my home.

That evening I had decided I was sick of being alone. I didn't really want to catch up with Gibbs, Ducky or Abby and have to endure their pitiful glances or their futile attempts at making me forget something that would be indelibly etched into my memories forever. No tonight I needed to find comfort in the arms of another. And I did. I don't remember her name and I am pretty sure the name I gave her was a fake as was my phone number. She may have been a lovely person, perfect for me in every way but I didn't care. I left before she woke.

I did the same thing the next night, and the next, and the next; a string of nameless women. I wasn't interested in small talk; I wasn't interested in their likes or dislikes; I said I would call them, but I didn't. I humped them and I dumped them.

This was when Tony DiNozzo, Playboy Extraordinaire was born.