Only in Dreams

From Margaret Atwood's Flying Inside Your Own Body

…It's only in dreams you can do this.
Waking, your heart is a shaken fist,
a fine dust clogs the air you breathe in;
the sun's a hot copper weight pressing straight
down on the thick … rind of your skull.
It's always the moment just before the gunshot.
You try & try to rise but you cannot.

Seven skycars settled on the landing pad with synchronized precision. Benezia waited until a commando in black leathers opened her door before stepping out. The clicking of some unknown insect and the sound of falling water filled the hot, dry air. She started up the smooth, stone path, commandos keeping pace. Trees, plants and flowers pressed in on every side, obscuring what lay ahead. Benezia walked slowly, noting the small, blue wildflowers that dotted the cracks amongst the paving stones. Judging from the length of the car ride and the surroundings, they had arrived on the southern archipelago of Acro.

Rounding the bend, Benezia caught sight of a big fountain in front of a palatial, low-lying residence. Large silarin with bright, blue wings danced in the mist that filled the air. Benezia stopped and inhaled deeply, smelling herbs and mist. Raising a hand, she swept it through the rainbow-colored moisture, watching her own energy shine in it. The silarin circled each other a little faster. Benezia smiled, then remembered Angelith. Her smile faded.

She processed up the rest of the path, through rows of commandos, toward the structure. Made of massive blocks of the local yellowish stone inset with large plates metal, the residence looked impregnable and hard to spot from above. The metal plates at the front of the residence had been tilted slightly downward. One each of their polished surfaces, the fountain and Benezia and her escort could be seen. As she reached the polished metal doors, they swung open silently. Inside stood an asari in a fuchsia dress. The fabric twisted around her body in a spiral that left her abdomen and her neck exposed and clung to her until it reached her knees, then softened into a swirl of loose fabric.

"Welcome to Aquero, Chloe Benezia." The asari clasped her hands together in front of her and bowed her head. "Mitera Angelith told us to expect you. She awaits you in the lounge."

Benezia stepped into the cool interior. A long, wide space sprawled before her. The sunlight that shone on the roof suffused the stone with a soft yellow glow, while the large metal panels created shaded areas. Patches of shadow lay like carpets across the tile floor. Islands of furniture—chaises, long beds full of cushions, long low tables, curved pools, bars and arrangements of flowers—could be glimpsed in each. The only partitions were the large metal columns that supported the roof, the long curtains bound to them that could be pulled across from one to another, and a large aquarium. The aquarium ran from floor to ceiling in the center shaded space and teemed with fluorescent fish, neon corals and chunks of eezo. The few curtains that had been drawn stirred with a breeze that smelled of the sea.

Intrigued, Benezia went and touched the nearest wall. The stone was cool, and smooth, its crystals large, and it had been polished to a softness that contrasted with the rougher finish left on the stone face outside. It would provide privacy and security windows would not. She took off her shoes to feel the floor, again relieved when she felt no jarring trace of eezo, and headed in the direction indicated. As she passed the aquarium, she noted that the water swayed with a rhythm, as if sea-fed. Once past it, she realized why she had felt a breeze. Two areas of shade away, the whole back of the house stood open. A long deck carved of the same stone extended another four lengths beyond. The sea must be below. To the left, curtains had been pulled around one of the squares of shade, where Angelith waited. Benezia slipped around a column to enter that space.

A hologram flickered to life before her, beamed from the ceiling. "Benezia, at last." Angelith sat with a glass in hand. She nodded at seeing Benezia carrying her sandals. "I see you are already making yourself at home. Good! I hope you enjoy Aquero. It's at your disposal until you've regained your health, and longer, should you make it through this year, as I'm confident you will. Get to know it and the area while you formulate your plans for your ascension." Angelith looked away, at something Benezia couldn't see, and swirled her drink absently. "It was built as a Chloe's retreat." Her gaze fastened back on Benezia. "Metis has a rigorous preparation program for you when you return, but I believe she's not the member of the Three who will contact you first. Look for visitors." Angelith raised a hand. "Before you ask, I hear reports that your ex-convict is organizing a whole retinue to follow you there. They won't leave until tomorrow morning, so enjoy the quiet while you have it. You'll find Paraika is an excellent cook who will tempt you to better health in no time. Kali nichta!"

As the hologram faded, Benezia finally did relax. She'd feared that Angelith would be there, that she'd been taken for a day or week or month of instruction from her and maybe the other matriarchs. This hadn't at all been what she'd anticipated. She let her sandals drop and padded softly to the deck.

The time difference meant the sun still shone high in the sky here, but the day was advanced enough that the full brunt of the heat had passed. Nevertheless, it had palpable force as she stepped out into it. The smooth stone beneath her feet absorbed what its light color didn't reflect, and the heat sunk into her bones, loosening knots she hadn't realized she had. On either side, benches carved into the stone had thick, tan cushions.

She walked to the deck's edge. It jutted out over a steep drop-off with a breathtaking view of the sea. Far below and to the left, green plains ran to gray gates, ones she recognized from her induction training into the Hepta as the Gates of the Goddess. An enormous waterfall, the Wonder of Patras, plummeted off the side of a mountain just on the edge of sight beyond those gates. Dodekapolis would lie on the other side. She had always dreamed of visiting this sacred place, should she ever advance so far, which was restricted from public and even Hepta access. But what did sacred even mean anymore?

Paraika approached with a drink in hand, ice clinking in the glass. "Here, try our local speciality. It's name translates in Armalese to 'pain killer.' I've been told it's quite effective in dispelling the discomfort of the Harrowing."

Benezia turned. "You know Armalese?" Bemused, she took the drink from Paraika, and sipped. A rush of warmth flowed through her. It was very strong.

With a smile, Paraika answered in one of its dialects, "Yes, I'm from Oieskos."

"It's good to hear a familiar song." Benezia replied in kind. "How did you come to be so far from home?"

"I served the last Chloe who came here." Paraika bowed her head again and walked back toward the house.

Benezia sank down on one of the cushions, drained the glass and set it down on the stone. The questions raised by Paraika's admission drifted away. The shame and pain she'd brought with her did not.

Shadows stretched from the stone walls and benches by the time Benezia sensed a change in energy. It resolved into a presence, then presences. The other visitors had arrived.

She rose and walked to the deck's edge, wishing to savor what last remaining minutes of silence she could. Twilight already lay on the valley like a purple sea. The breeze had turned cooler and seemed to blow right through her. She turned her head as she felt someone step out on the deck.

An asari in a tight orange sheathe draped from one shoulder regarded her steadily. Behind her, Benezia spied several more. Energy flowed around them in intricate patterns indicating control, but concentrated in different places and more nuanced than that of commandos. These must be heterae.

The newcomer joined her. "Mount Panachaikon, Diakoniaris Falls, Patras—I have long hoped to see such wonders in person." She turned toward Benezia.

Benezia felt dread settle on her as she watched the sun set. When the sibilance of the insects shushed the twilight, she turned toward the newcomer. The hetera had a light blue complexion. Darker tones gave definition to long, lean muscles, setting the newcomer's fitness in relief. She had only one facial marking, a thick stripe running from her chin to the center of her bottom lip. It was a common enough mark. What made it notable was the generous curve of the lip. It reminded Benezia of …. She cut the thought off, and finally met the newcomer's eyes. They were golden, and the effect arresting.

"We bring greetings from Hetera Euronyme, and a gift for you, Chloe." The newcomer made no move.

"Though a guest myself, I bid you welcome." Benezia held out her arms.

The newcomer stepped forward, lightly cupped Benezia's arms and pressed her cheek to Benezia's. "You may call me Aspasia." Her energy felt warm, vibrating in the lower bandwidths like bass notes, and she smelled of spice.

"I am Benezia." Their energy met, and Benezia could see Aspasia adjust hers so that theirs flowed together.

"I bear as well my mistress's apologies that our arrival comes so late. It has long been our privilege to ease the Chloe's adjustment to Athame's blessings. That is our gift." Aspasia regarded Benezia steadily. "Our delay, I see, has been cruel." She extended her arms, pressing them together, and bowed her head.

Metis, this had no doubt been Metis' doing, more of her "protection." Benezia turned back toward the night. No light shone over the horizon, no sign of any city, only the glow of the sea far below. She was beyond caring. She inhaled and, turning again, pressed her right hand gently to Aspasia's cheek. "You have not wronged me. Let there be peace."

Aspasia touched her shoulder. "We seven come to serve you, to help you discover the joy blessings like yours are meant to be."

"Seven?" Benezia closed her eyes. It seemed far too many.

"At your xronia, your power amazed my mistress. She selected our number, and taught us what to do. Many vied for this honor."

Benezia faced her again. "All I have to offer is pain. It would be a poor return."

"Pain and pleasure are companions, like day and night." Aspasia's hand lightly ran down Benezia's arm, then wrapped around her hand, lifting it. "The idea of sharing them with you," Aspasia's remarkable golden eyes did not waver as she interlaced their fingers, "moves me."

"You do not understand. I am," Benezia slowly extricated herself, "more than pain. I am death."

Aspasia dropped her hand. "We speak of weighty matters when you are weary. Forgive my haste. Your pain cries out to me. I promise, what you have suffered is only one portion of what Athame has given you, in her grant of power. We are enough to unlock the larger part. Do not fear to touch us. We have been specially equipped. Let us demonstrate, let us bear your burden tonight, with a meld, nothing more. You can rest, rest and reconsider."

"What if you're wrong?" Benezia returned Aspasia's steady gaze.

A small smile curled the corner of the hetera's full lip. "I die a bigger death, but I am not wrong." The spark of mischief in Aspasia's eye proved irresistible.

Benezia gave a ghost of a smile.

"Please," Aspasia lifted Benezia's hand with her own, palm to palm, "I will introduce the others, and we will begin."

Benezia allowed herself to be led back into the house, where a long low table surrounded by cushioned benches had been loaded down with food, and the aquarium pulsed softly as the other heterae gathered. One, with a cithera draped over her back by a silken cord, came forward. Benezia caught a whiff of rhodon newly opened, and a felt a tingle like a second glass of elasa in her touch when they pressed cheeks. "Lais, at your service."

So the introductions went. Phryne felt like spring rain and smelled like stardust. Leontia and Lastheneia approached together and hugged her, each pressing one of their cheeks to one of hers. So many sensations and scents in such a short space dizzied Benezia. Lamia, the only maiden among them, laughed as she greeted Benezia, letting the vani about her shoulders slip to reveal a shoulder and a breast. Finally, the last stepped forward, her hand lightly sliding up her hip, before coming to rest there. She put one foot forward, her skirt falling open to reveal the shapely leg. "I am Anassa."

Benezia met her bold, inviting stare.

"The Chloe requires rest tonight." Aspasia announced, then led the way through the other heterae to one of the beds.

Benezia sat on its edge and lifted her chin as they settled around her. "Not Chloe … Benezia. No titles, please." The dizzying effect of their overlapping energies and scents flowed over her again. Maybe it was those or the drink that made the room spin.

Aspasia looked at the others and took Benezia's right hand. Anassa, on the other side of her, took her left. Aspasia's touch was deft, but Benezia sensed apprehension.

"Do you…" Benezia found herself again on the deck, alone, the night cool and fragrant, the sky freckled with stars. The stars wavered and the connection pinched and stretched as each heterae opened her mind and experienced the jarring energy flowing through Benezia. For a long moment the pain reflected through several minds, then slowly, there was only one other mind meeting hers in the meld, that of the heterae's together. Benezia had heard of such things, but had never experienced it. The stars came back into focus. Reassurance and comfort flowed in from all sides, and at last, came sweet, sweet oblivion.

Shiala stared at the garden and contemplated freedom. In a way, she'd never really had it. Her family had been poor, lacking influence, and she'd been determined to make things right for them. She'd sacrificed fun and having friends and lovers, giving no thought or time to religion or anything unnecessary for increasing her biotic abilities. It had been hard and lonely, but it had paid off when her BST scores had earned her an invitation to the Serrice Selects. There she had traded individual discipline for shared rigors—the seeking of her own good, for the seeking of corporate goods—without a second thought.

She started on her rounds, noting everything, focusing on nothing. There was less need for vigilance with the Hep…, the Chloe, not on the premises. If attackers made an attempt, they had zero chance of success with her gone. The emptiness Shiala'd been feeling returned even stronger. At the turning in the path, she headed toward the water, aware of her cowardice in not wanting to face the place where she'd found her that night.

This weakness comprised yet another part of her compound failure. Inwardly, Shiala raged at her impotence. It shamed her to have searched for the Chloe and to not have been able to find her, to have found her and to not have been able to help her. Shiala stared at the glassy surface of the Naropa. The Chloe usually swam at this hour, when the sea was silver with morning light, using the graceful strokes of long practice to cut through the water like a sharp knife through flesh. Shiala loved watching her doing her morning discipline, loved the rhythm of the household—the prayers, the morning meal, then service, lunch, assembly, meetings, dinner and service, exercises, prep—and the sea, the garden. It had felt like paradise, after prison. It had felt like freedom, the new purpose she'd found in protecting her benefactor.

Shiala started to run, a hunger she couldn't name gnawing at her. Maybe it was that she didn't really belong here, not like she had at SCA, surrounded for the first time by others like her, who wouldn't settle for less than personal physical and mental perfection. With a biotic burst, she cleared the high stone wall behind the training compound, rolled and resumed her run. These douli were docile amnae, by comparison. Not like the Chloe …. A surge of anger swept Shiala at the memory of that … presumptuous amp maker on the floor with her, not even worth a minute, certainly not…. Shiala's fists clenched. There'd be a reckoning for whatever she'd done to the Hepta, to get her stuck, for … for … all the pain she'd caused! Shiala's legs and lungs ached. She pushed herself harder, feeling her biotics burn within her. The look the Hep… the Chloe had given her, as she'd held her in her arms, the way she'd turned toward the wall, those woke her up at night. She wanted to, she wanted to make the pain go away for her. The Hiera who'd refused to leave her to abuse and death, who'd listened to her, who'd cared when no one else would, who'd fought for her—she'd let her down.

The path had been worn to dirt by her feet this past month, she noted, so many times had she run this course. She had given up her name, she had given up her past, to follow the Hepta, and that path had led nowhere, just to failure and dishonor, again! A lifetime ago, she'd given up her family to make a new one, with others she didn't have to be ashamed of, and had found reward for structure and discipline past her imaginings—promotion, rank, even love. What was there to keep her here, now that the Hepta had gone? She'd spent the whole night pacing, racking her mind for what she could do now that she'd failed her last chance, and the Hep… Chloe had left her behind, again. She was saying she didn't need her, didn't value her, anymore. Another burst, and she reached the training compound again, on the return lap. No, the matriarch hadn't given the Chloe a choice. She'd looked back at her, hadn't she, before her new escort had packed her away in the skycar, and they'd flown away? Her debt, her duty, and that part of the Hepta that spoke to the deepest part of her, that had given her back the honor she'd thought she'd lost forever—that would not let her give up. She would find the Chloe. She would not leave her, and she would help her, as the Chloe had done for her, until her dying breath.

Movement by the gazebo caught her eye, and she dropped into a crouch. Rounding its edge, fist glowing, she saw the other prisoner the Hepta had gotten released lying back on a chaise, sunbathing, a drink beside her, shades over her eyes and one of the Hepta's … Chloe's robes laying open underneath her. Shiala's upper lip curled.

"What do you think you're doing, Psyllos?" The other prisoner had insisted her name was Diva, but Shiala knew her for what she was, nothing but a thug. She had taken to calling her after the smallest, most annoying parasitic insect she knew. When the other ignored her, Shiala set a singularity over her. "Get up! That's not your right!"

Psyllos swore as her drink spilled all over her. When the singularity had dispelled, she got to her feet, wiping the liquid off her purple skin with the Chloe's robe. Hatred burned in her flat blue eyes, and biotics rippled over her. "Don't you have somewhere else to be? Like chasing skycars around Armali? Your afendra got away from you again, or didn't you notice this time?"

"She's the Chloe," Shiala corrected through gritted teeth, "You'll show her respect, or you'll pick your teeth out of the dirt."

"She's not my goddess, just a hot piece of ass with a lifestyle I'd like to have." Psyllos' eyes narrowed, then she laughed. "And you know what, I'm going to tap that, long and hard."

At that moment, Shiala counted at least five ways she could kill the other. "You need to be taught your place."

"Maybe I'll let you watch as I stroke sweetness from her like nectar from the choalla flower and savour her taste till I'm sticky with it." A slow smile crept across Psyllos' face, as she mimed her intentions. "Oh yeah, oh yeah, like that."

Shiala nostrils flared, but she let her biotics fade. "I pity you. You're not equipped for decent life. Your mind's the prison you can't escape. You don't know how to recognize grace when it's offered to you, or how to be grateful." Psyllos only knew how to rut and grunt in sweaty pleasures. She had no idea the kind of pure devotion one could have for another, or of the power of the meeting of such minds, what they could offer was beyond her.

"I won't be in anyone's debt. The pleasure I'll give her will be my payment, and more than you can give her." Psyllos raised a glowing fist. " You're weak, Viala. That's why Pirro chose you, and why Benezia will choose me." Shiala rolled her eyes and turned away. "That's right, Porne, walk away!"

Walking away felt good, as did adding the insults to the score that would be settled between them one day.

"Don't worry," Psyllos called after her. "I'll take care of the estate while you're off worshipping her. All these douli need is a strong hand."

Shiala spun around.

"Oh, did I forget to tell you?" Psyllos regarded Shiala over her shades. "One of the matriarch's people seemed to think I was in charge of security yesterday, and said the Chloe had requested that I gather what was needed and prepare to join her." Psyllos grinned, showing all her teeth. "They'll be here in a few minutes."

Shiala turned, her heart soaring. "You'd better get packing. You're coming with us," she yelled over her shoulder as she broke into a sprint for the house.

The matriarch's commandos did not like to be kept waiting. Shiala left her kit by the door, by the other assembled luggage, and sprinted upstairs.

"The gray boxes have her favorite drinks." Eidothea jogged behind her. "It's very important that she get those. I've laced them with nutrients. It's all she's been…."

Shiala stopped, rounded on Eidothea, and frowned fiercely.

Eidothea pursed her lips and scowled.

"Wherever she is, they'll have plenty of drinks." Shiala walked briskly toward the sleeping quarters. "We have to travel light."

"At least take 2 boxes. Shiala, I should be going. I've been with her longer. I know what she needs, especially now." Eidothea panted a little, trying to keep up.

"I found Psyllos down by the gazebo living it up." Shiala shot a withering glance at the head of the household.

"I can't control her! She's sworn no vows!" Eidothea protested. "Everyone who isn't a commando is afraid of her."

"That's why she's coming with me. I've sent our escort after her and am packing for her now. You're the only one who can clean up whatever mess she made before the Chloe returns. You're also the only one who'd even know where to look for the things I'm positive she's been stockpiling somewhere." Shiala ducked into Chara's room, where clothes lay all over the bed and various datapads and devices were scattered across the floor. "If you can't pack it in the next five minutes, C, it gets left behind," she told the flustered doulous.

"I can't finish that quickly!" Chara flashed a panicked glance at Shiala, then stood as Eidothea entered the room. "Thea!"

Eidothea went to her, and they pressed foreheads while their hands met and fingers interlaced urgently. "Agapitas."

"I wish you were coming," Chara told her aphrodisia. "I'm going to miss you so much."

"Shiala's taking Diva instead." Eidothea complained. "She wants me here cleaning up Diva's mess."

"Finish packing, Chara." Shiala glanced between the two impatiently. "Ten minutes, and if you're not ready, I'll send the escort to fetch you next." A smile curved the corner of her mouth as she swept out of the room. She didn't know where they were going, but it was enough to know the Chloe wanted her there with her.

Shiala drummed her fingers on the skycar door. It had been hours, hours and hours. "How many did you say you left with her?"

"Eight on site, four on the perimeter." The jaw muscle of the commando opposite Shiala tightened when she resumed her drumming.

"You said it's an open site? I want to see a schematic." Shiala stared challengingly at the one opposite her.

"I told you, I'm not allowed to reveal in any way, while on the ground or in flight, the location of the Chloe." The commando's leathers were too shiny, buffed with the softening wax, for Shiala to be impressed by her.

"Even to her head of security?" Shiala's gaze did not waver.

"Ma'am, the matriarch…." The commando began.

"… is not here, and I am. Is that going to be a problem, Scrub? If so, speak now, and we can drop you off on the way." Shiala was not about to let a matriarch compromise the Chloe's safety. These new guards would answer to her, or they would go.

The commando's eyes went to the skycar window, blank with clouds at this height. "No, Ma'am."

"Review the layout with me, then." Shiala commanded.

"See it for yourself." The skycar had started a descent. Most did not have the size tanks that would allow for such a long trip, and a shuttle would normally have been taken for a trip this length. Shiala was curious to see if their location did not allow for shuttle drops. As they came through the clouds, she scanned for, but could not see, a dwelling from the window. In a blink, she leapt across the car and grabbed the throat of the commando opposite her, unleashing a push hard enough to knock the other two out against the wall. She should have known better than to trust them! To have led the others blindly into this trap! What if they had all been pushed out of the skycars at altitude already?!

The commando choked for air and clawed at Shiala's hand, her other arm grappling for a hold.

"What's this?!" Shiala hissed, her hand tightening around the other's throat. She could feel the cartilage bending. "A trick?"

The skycar touched down, and the door slowly whooshed open, letting in hot, dry air. As soon as the door had opened enough for the commando outside to see inside, she pulled her gun on Shiala, who had positioned her captive in front of her as a shield.

The commando Shiala had been throttling held up her hand to stop the one with the gun. Shiala loosened her grip to let her captive speak. "This … this is the one … the Chloe requested."

The commando outside the car lowered her gun. Shiala frowned and released her captive, pushing her across to where Shiala had been sitting, and stepped out of the car, fist glowing. "Take me to her now!" Around them, she saw the other skycars alighting. As their doors opened, she recognized the familiar faces of the Chloe's household, and let her biotics dissipate. She glanced down at the commando in the car, who was rubbing her throat. "I'm sorry. For a moment there, I thought…."

The commando in the car checked the ones Shiala had knocked out, and then got out of the car, looking at Shiala with respect. "I understand. My name's Charbydis. Everyone calls me Ydis."

Shiala nodded distractedly. She'd seen the path. "This way?" Her kit could wait. With a gesture she signaled the house guard she'd brought to stay with the douli. She needed to see for herself that the Chloe was alright.

"Yes, but … wait." Ydis caught her arm as she started up the path. "You'll set off the automatic defenses." She trotted beside her. "Our lieutenant has id bracelets for you, so you can move freely."

"Those are turrets?" Shiala nodded her head in the direction of a couple of apparent rock formations off the path.

Ydis frowned. "They're supposed to be undetectable."

"And under the fountain? What's there?" Shiala surveyed the front of the residence with approval. Now this was the kind of place where decent security measures could be taken. The limited points of access, camouflage and armor plating, of these she approved.

"There's nothing under the …" Ydis jogged to catch up. "Let me get the door."

When the door swung open, Shiala noted that the interior offered limited cover, only the columns. All that open space would make an ambush, or flanking, too easy. She hardly noticed the fish tank as she passed it. Following the breeze, she made her way to the back of the residence, frowning. There had to be an energy screen to close this off, a laser grid here could slice anything careless that tried to get through.

Then she saw her, sitting at a table in the sun, surrounded by … whoever … and being served food. "Ydis, could you bring in the gray boxes from our things?" She didn't take her eyes off the Chloe as she asked. It had only been about a day, but it seemed like longer.

"I'm not.… I guess."

Shiala leaned against the wall and took it all in. The Chloe's company seemed lighthearted. They laughed, and chatted, except for the two closest to the Chloe, who moved more slowly, spoke more seriously. The one on her right poured the Chloe a drink from a pitcher on the table and handed it to her. One at the other end of the table got up and picked up a stringed instrument from a nearby bench, strummed it and started to play. Shiala stepped out on the deck. "No." She said it at the same time as the Chloe, who looked over. Their eyes met, and Shiala's heart leapt. "No music." Shiala repeated.

The Chloe gave a small sad smile, and nodded once.

It had only been 28 days. Mourning lasted at least 40.