AN: Congratulations on surviving 2012! Good job everyone.
I made a website. It may be accessed from my profile page, because links are not allowed in chapter text.
I shall put cookies and cake there when I make the time for it.
Rather, it's the new home for the Review a Song Campaign.
I'll make it clear, but the Campaign might seem like bribery but it's rather more symbolic to me. Receiving some kind of special effort from my readers. Giving something to my BETA. It's meaningful and deep.
Chapter 36
Kimono Monagatari
It was a bright and sunny morning in the streets of Sunagakure.
Of course, this was not saying much, as such clement weather was rather expected by the residents here, and counted more as a bane than any form of boon, really.
But all the same, it was clear and hot as the Houou gang made their way down the streets.
As usual, the street was relatively deserted. People seemed to favor staying inside in this village. Whether it was out of fear of the sun, the cold, or a demon, Naruto couldn't say.
Small sand banks rested to the corners of the buildings as the ever-present wind of sunagakure swept it all to one side.
"Master, what are your plans?" Shizuka asked, suddenly, from behind him.
"We've got to replace everyone's clothes." Naruto explained. "I told you earlier."
And, as just over half of his travelling group proved to be of the female persuasion – a most regrettable ratio for shopping by his uncle's estimation – Naruto expected that hitting up the seamstress's might prove to get them to stop subtly try to kill each other in subtle ways.
Naruto snapped around, thrusting his hand out towards Shizune.
The courtesan barely blinked as Naruto's uncontrolled force blew away a flying senbon with more wind pressure than anything else. "Nee-chan." Naruto sighed. "Come on."
Shizune averted her eyes. "It's just a sedative," she explained, "to prevent potential risk before treatment of her… delicate condition." Of insanity, was left unsaid.
"If its potential risk," Naruto sighed, "there's plenty over there." He said, grabbing his uncle's reaching hand and fixing him with an exasperated look. "Uncle." Naruto sighed. "Stop trying to grope the misguided criminal under my care."
"I keep forgetting that your reach has changed." Jiraiya said, in place of any kind of apology.
"If it's that risk, Otoutou, of course I have been trying." Shizune said, sounding offended.
"It's true." Jiraiya supported, raising his other hand and displaying the handful of senbon grasped between his fingers. "She really has."
"He's a work in progress." Shizune admitted.
Naruto sighed, releasing his uncle's hand and giving the man a stern look. Stubbornly, he resumed walking towards his destination.
Why, exactly, had he thought life would be easier once his family had caught up with him?
"So this is the secret to your power." Sasuke interrupted, suddenly.
"…What?" Naruto asked, voice strained, desperately not wanting his teammate to say something sigh-inducing.
"By way of family dynamic, every day is a constant preparation of random conflict and surprising anti-logic based ambushes." Sasuke said with some respect.
Naruto wasn't sure if he should sigh or be happy that someone understood it. In the end he cried a little inside.
"Master? Your plans?" Shizuka interrupted.
"Shopping." Naruto snapped.
"And after?"
"Buy a bar and a boat. Mail them to Barkeep and Kenta."
Shizuka blinked twice, neatly overlooking the economic and logistic problems with what he had just said. "And after?" She asked, boldly, once more.
Naruto frowned, stopping once more and turning to face her.
"Your teammates said that the Chuunin Exams are arriving. At the same time, you've expressed concern about Water Country's ability to recover from the supernatural storm that you've just recently put an end to. Where shall we go?"
Frown still firmly in place; Naruto stuck his hands in his pockets. "Everyone tells me to go home and think about myself. That I've done enough. To leave it to the government, even though Water Country's government really couldn't care less about what happens beyond the high walls of the capital. Or to leave it to the Shonen clan. But… it hurts to ditch part-way, doesn't it? Right, Shizuka? We've already come so far."
In response, Shizuka bowed once slowly. The meaning of this gesture was entirely mystifying to Naruto himself. "I must agree with them, Master."
"Because I'm a kid?" Naruto snapped. "And since when did you start disagreeing with me?" He asked. "Are you disagreeing with me?"
Shizuka bowed once more, even lower, for whatever reason. "I offer advice, Master." She replied shakily. "Courtesans do that."
It's true. They did. What a bothersome job description. How was he supposed to mark her progress towards independence, then?
"Why?" Naruto asked. "It's not even necessarily dangerous." He objected. "And wouldn't the Chuunin Exams be dangerous enough, anyway? I don`t see why I should have to stop here, when I am so ready to go forwards, and really have nothing to do that would be any more helpful to people in general. I know that people are saying that I am getting carried away in this." Naruto offered. "But why shouldn't I get carried away, if it's what I truly feel like doing? And I really have to wonder if there's anything you can say to convince me otherwise."
Shizuka looked up into her master's eyes. "Of course, Master. I am far too ignorant of the things which you are talking about. Only… sometimes, we have to let things go."
Naruto's family stared at him, expectantly. Naruto, in turn, stared at his faux-Courtesan. He found… that he had little to say in response. "That's a bitter pill to swallow." He observed, wryly, at last.
"Would you like a placebo, Master?" Shizuka asked, producing and offering an old pill bottle upon outstretched palms. "I have some left."
Naruto snorted in private amusement. He had even less to say to that. So instead he turned to his left and said. "That place will do. I got a nice kimono for a friend here before. Let's go in."
The girls were observing the different fabrics the store had to offer, side by side, in an age-old fashion of clothes shopping.
"Kimono's huh…" Sakura sighed. "I don't really know what to do with these kind of fancy things." She admitted bashfully. "I mostly try for trendy, casual clothes. Things I could wear to school. Mom always helped me with kimonos. Sorry." She apologized.
"That's all right." Shizuka acknowledged. "I'm sorry for attacking you, tying you up, and breaking your boyfriend's nose and other parts."
Sakura blinked twice. "Oh no." She blushed. "He's not my boyfriend. What are you saying!" She hit Shizuka playfully. "Do we look like a couple? Kyaaa~!"
"It was obvious you had feelings for him." Shizuka replied. "And because you so enjoyed his cold attitude towards you, I simply assumed you were engaging in `neglect play`."
"Eh? What's that? And am I engaging in it?" Sakura asked eagerly.
Shizuka blinked owlishly. "Wouldn't you know?"
"It's hard to tell with Sasuke-kun." Sakura admitted.
"Two stalker girls talking about love." Tsunade observed from the side. "The world might implode at any moment."
"Hey!" Sakura objected. "Who said I was a stalker? Shizuka's not a stalker either, right Shizuka?"
"I stalk." Shizuka nodded shamelessly. "But I have permission."
"Wha – really?" Sakura asked. "How did you pull that off? Can I call you 'sensei?'"
"It's quite an elementary matter of my Master getting bored with telling me to stop."
"So bold!"
"That's right, you!" Tsunade declared, pointing at Shizuka. "You've been sticking to my son like white on rice. Now that I've finally got you alone, it's time for you to answer some questions for me. The manner in which you choose to answer these particular questions will determine, unequivocally, your continued existence as either a solid object, a liquid object, or vapor."
"That's… that's kind of an amazing threat." Sakura observed. "But considering the human body isn't just one state of matter, wouldn't all three options kill her?"
"No comment." Tsunade replied.
"I submit to Tsunade-sama's questioning." Shizuka offered with a bow.
"Question 1…" Tsunade declared, menacingly. "Do you… have any documentation for me?"
"Yes, of course, Tsunade-sama." Shizuka affirmed, producing form her tattered kimono a small photo album and offering it with a bow and upon outstretched palms.
"Very well!" Tsunade declared magnanimously, as she greedily reached for the album. "You may stay." She waved.
"Just like that!" Sakura gasped.
"Tsunade-sama!" Shizune protested.
"Rather," Sakura continued, "what happened to question #2 or#3? And aren't you worried at all?"
"If its risk, then she's not even on my scale. And believe me, there are plenty of ways to mitigate. And I'm not a bleeding heart like my son." Tsunade explained. "I stopped trying to save everyone when I was sixteen. If it pleases this girl to delude herself out of having a personal choice, well then, that's her personal choice. Since it seems that little boy retains his chastity, all I want to say is that she'd better be taking pictures, invite me to the wedding, and if she breaks my son's heart I'll break her bicuspid. And work my way down from there."
"Tsunade-sama," Shizuka said. "I would rather die."
"Good girl."
"All right." Shizune clapped her hands once to get people's attention. "Let's focus on what we came here for. Naruto-kun`s not exactly famous for being patient in any store that involves fabrics."
Sakura held up her hand a little bit. "Not that I mind in particular, but weren't you trying to anesthetize Shizuka a while ago? Why am I the only one doing Tsukkomi?"
"Yes I was." Shizune admitted with a smile. "But at the time I didn't know that she loved my Otoutou so much."
"Oh, thank you." Shizuka took that as a compliment.
"Oh, that's right." Tsunade said. "I forgot how much of a closet romantic you were, Shizune."
"Can't save the world, kid." Jiraiya said. "I would know."
Naruto *tsk*ed. "Does that mean I just give up?"
"No." Jiraiya shrugged. "Not if it so pleases you to roar in the face of futility. But you can take a break, to keep yourself from breaking down. Some time off here and there. Some peeping. Writing some erotic literature. Trying to grab women's boobs." Jiraiya offered diplomatically. "The world will still need saving when you're done."
Naruto snapped on reflex. "It's hard to take your wisdom seriously when you insist on persistently contaminating it like that."
"Contamination is how you know that I'm an adult, kid."
"I know you're an adult because I've seen your birth certificate myself. " Naruto corrected. "There are absolutely no other indicators, and frankly, I wonder if you forged that thing."
"Say what you will, but the fact remains, it's better to listen to women at times like this." Jiraiya said.
Naruto crossed his arms and made and offered a noncommittal grunt.
"There's nothing for it." Jiraiya said. "Now's not the time to go on about 'your way' or 'your heart'. You just killed a man."
"I've killed people before." Naruto admitted.
"Not on purpose." Jiraiya replied. "One way or another, you'll be messed up for the foreseeable future. If you admit it, then that's good. If you don't, you're in denial. It's that kind of thing."
"That doesn't seem fair." Naruto objected.
"But you are." Jiraiya responded. "You are because you have to be. You have to be, because it's you."
"…I just feel… restless." Naruto admitted after a while. "And stupid. And…" he narrowed his eyes. "…insufficient."
Jiraiya placed a comforting hand on Naruto's shoulder. "… That sucks, man. Want a beer and a scantily clad, exotic dancer? We can go half-half."
"Like I said, can you stop contaminating everything?" Naruto objected. "Are you a virus? Damn… You even want to go half-half at a time like this. Half-Uncle."
Jiraiya looked unimaginably wounded at this statement.
Naruto looked off to the side, tapping his foot impatiently. "What's taking those girls so long?"
"I think a dark colour would accent your hair best." Sakura commented. "Purple was a good choice before. I don't see why you should change it now."
"If you're really trying to appeal to the brat, then it's easy." Tsunade declared. "Obnoxious Orange, with a splattering of puke-green in the shape of amphibian wildlife. There's nothing else for it."
"To begin with, we should think about the budget, shouldn't we?" Shizune, ever the practical one, commented. "Naruto-kun's trying to pay for this out of his pocket, isn't he? I think that there are some excellent pieces in the used section in the next isle. It's practically half-price."
"My kimono is my second skin." Shizuka explained. "And so it must be new," she continued, "because I am already so very second-hand."
Sakura blanched.
"And white would be best." Shizuka continued. "It is a pure colour. Underneath and inside, I am all worn out. Stained with a stench that no longer belongs to any one man, but represents some aged blend of the countless people who used me, with my permission, who weren't my Master." Shizuka recounted evenly. "And when I reach for my Master, he has always pulled away, and so I must wonder… if I have simply devalued myself as a woman in his eyes too greatly. So, let me have a second skin…" She mused, holding a white silk fabric to her chest and breathing in the clean scent. "One that is pure and clean for him, and has never ever betrayed him."
"Er…" Sakura sensed that a landmine had just exploded, scattering normal conversation to the four corners of the universe. "Um… Y-You know, those things don't matter so much, these days. I'm… I'm sure Naruto would agree with me. Past history… you know. It's like that, or something. Past history is in the past. It doesn't matter." She argued.
"And yet, if we were to step one isle over," Shizuka refuted in patient serenity, "we would get half off on it."
There was no good response for that.
The girls approached the boys after an hour or so of waiting.
"Hey kid," Tsunade addressed. "You done?"
"Man, I was done five minutes after I entered here." Naruto explained. "If I have to listen to anymore of this elevator music I'm liable to flip out and blow something up. Did you finally pick out the one kinmono between the three of you?"
"Hush, you." Tsunade chastised. "We came to drag you over to the changing room, so that Shizuka can model something for you."
"So in other words, you haven't really decided anything yet." Naruto deadpanned. "By the way, I was overcome with so much mind-numbingly extra time that found something myself."
Shizuka perked up. "You did, Master?"
"Yes." Naruto nodded. "The blue one in that pile there is just right. It suits you."
"This?" She asked, holding the material up. "It's…" She muttered quietly. "It's… second hand. This is the bargain bin pile."
Sakura flinched. Landmine! Landmine!
She gesticulated fiercely to Naruto from behind Shizuka's back.
"Well," Naruto said uneasily, glancing at Sakura's nonsensical arm waving. Did she forget that they had team-specific signals? It must be something that could not be conveyed using mission terminology. "I just think it's perfect." He said finally. "That's all there is to it."
"Used… I see, Master. I…see." Shizuka answered shakily. "I… see."
Sakura glared at Naruto. "Go pay for the one we picked out." She hissed. "The clerk will know what you're talking about."
"O…kay." Naruto said in confusion. "Weren't you going to –"
"Just go, you idiot!" Sakura exclaimed.
Naruto scrambled to not get beamed in the head with an unlit stick of dynamite, running off towards the cash register, every bit as confused as before.
"Go on." Sakura said gently to Shizuka. "Go change. You can walk out of here in your new kimono. Naruto's just an idiot. I guarantee it."
"I verify that claim." Sasuke seconded from the ceiling, having dived up there and behind a rotating fan on instinctual reaction to Sakura being involved with anything with a fuse.
"Seconded." Jiraiya nodded.
"Thirded." Tsunade shrugged.
"He's just misunderstood." Shizune explained, while rubbing the back of her head awkwardly.
Naruto, having paid very carefully so as not to crush his toad wallet by accident, was surrounded at the cashier by: an irate Sakura, a chastising Shizune, and an amused Tsunade.
Not the best combination.
"Read the mood, you idiot. The mood!" Sakura demanded.
"I have no idea what I did." Naruto explained. "But I'm pretty sure it's not my fault that I did it." He said stubbornly. "And if it was, then I had a very profound reason that you wouldn't be able to comprehend anyway."
"Oh shut up." Sakura snapped. "What's with this thing anyway?" She said, holding up the offending blue kimono in the process. "How can you say it suits her?" She accused. "She never tried it on, and it doesn't match her eyes or hair, or accent her elegant style, or anything! You were just being cheap!"
"It definitely suits her perfectly." Naruto defended. "And I never said anything about her hair or eyes. I don`t usually consider that kind of thing. I will admit that my fashion sense may be a little original. Many people claim that my views on orange are too advanced for our times."
Tsunade guffawed in response. It was unladylike but that had been the funniest thing she`d ever heard in her life.
"You're an idiot." Sakura deadpanned. "You're a fashion eunuch."
"Shut up. The not-amazingly awesome wouldn't understand." Naruto defended. "But I have acceded to your girly demands so leave me alone."
"How can you possibly know that it's the right kimono for her?" Sakura demanded, grabbing his collar.
"It's quite easy for me." Naruto replied smugly. "Because, six years ago, she had already tried it on."
Sakura's grip loosened, her arms falling to her sides. "…Eh?"
At that exact moment, elsewhere in the store, Shizuka was undertaking a now much-less auspicious switching of kimonos within the store changing rooms.
As she untied her Obi and allowed her kimono to come loos around her, she caught something in the corner of her eye.
A blue reflection, like the sky.
For Shizuka wore not one kimono, but two. One that fit her, which she had bought, and one much smaller, from six years ago.
It was with a mixture of horror and love that overcame the woman as she reached out. She shook, as if possessed by thunder and fire. The sky. The sky! The sky was hidden inside a sparse seamstress in the most desolate corner of the world. Because her Master had seen fit to wrap her up in it. "I'm sorry." She gasped. "I-I…"
Elsewhere, Naruto continued his defence.
"Back then," Naruto lectured, "an older girl ran into me, fell down, and started worrying to death over getting her kimono dirty. It would take too long at a cleaner, and she seemed so incredibly earnest about going about her small errands and going home, so that her 'master' would not be mad at her. It was all really minor, and a really low-hanging objective to shoot for, and pretty silly all things considered. But, like I said, she was really earnest about it. She had enough passion over it to blind anyone, so I figured I'd buy her a replacement." Naruto recounted at length. "So I think you owe me an apology because, as you can see, I have already seen it modeled and gone through the selection process, and considered the match on her, and all the annoying steps to buying clothes that the most girlish girl could ask for." He sniffed, superiorly crossing his arms. "And sky blue is her color, because it matches her heart. In the end, she has always been looking upwards with aspiration. And when I think about it, from the time she was that fresh and naive little girl until now, almost annoyingly, she has undergone nearly zero change." Naruto *tsk*ed.
The people around him regarded Naruto in only silence, including the store clerk. And all were appropriately startled when a loud bang was heard, and a whoosh was the only warning received as a blur slammed Naruto into the far wall, and proceeded to cry into his chest.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Shizuka cried. "I'm too stupid. Let me have the blue one. Please, I want the blue one! I love you. I'm yours forever." Shizuka gasped into the crook of his neck, between all her tears. "I'll do anything for you, and please don't ever leave me!"
"Oh. That's right." Naruto said, closing his eyes and pinching his nose to aid in what he was sure would be an oncoming headache. "Your hearing is really good."
"I love you. I'm yours forever." Shizuka all but moaned. ""I'll do anything for you, and please don't ever leave me!"
"Shizuka." Naruto sighed. "You learned to read and write through books, by candlelight. You taught yourself how to fight on par with a pretty badass level genin ninja. We call that kind of thing, pure and utter genius. You've always been happiest when you thought you were aiming higher, Shizuka, but being an unpaid servant… a slave… it's been below you forever. It's below anyone. And being free… well, it`s a damn good start to reaching the sky. It's great. It's… joyful. That`s… really all I`m trying to do for you."
Shizuka drew back long enough to stare Naruto tearfully in the eyes, still gripping him with all her might. "That's why I love you." She declared in a haze of emotion. Whether she declared to Naruto or herself, she wasn't clear. She only had to beg. "And why I'll do anything for you, and please don't ever leave me!"
Naruto pursed his lips at her.
She could not maintain her gaze, and soon found herself back again in the crook of his neck.
Naruto hand-signaled conspiratorially to Sakura. Primary objective in risk of failure. Backup plan. Communicate ally status to primary target, dissuade merger status. Mission extrication, feasibility, advise?
Sakura recoiled in horror. Was he talking about a 'just friends' play?!
That fucker!
Disadvised. Twin primary packages situated south of head position will be extricated, tortured, and rigged to high-grade explosives by combined ally forces.
Naruto sighed. He gave a cursory nod to acknowledge the creative use of mission-signs, though. Rip out his balls and... something.
He stopped reading at that point. He got the horrible gist of it.
His mother was snapping photographs. Again. Sakura, of course, was devolving into girly tears. Shizune-nee might as well have had visible hearts floating about her. Sasuke seemed to find it all very amusing. And his uncle had made kage-bunshins, then transformed one of them into a ball and chain in order to tie said ball and chain about his neck to demonstrate how screwed Naruto was, while another kage bunshin proceeded to read his last rights as a free man out of a small, hardcover book.
Naruto took a deep breath, looked to the heavens, and then sighed at length through his nose. "F*ck my life."
A/N: Shizuka route end.
Game Over
You Lose!
- kind of situation. In other words, they're a couple now.
Monogatari means story. Or something.
The Tsukkomi is basically a straight man. You know, the guy that calls the idiot out for the punch line. The idiot counterpart is the boke.
A haori is kind of like a jacket for kimonos. A kimono is kind of like a robe.
Most people probably forgot Shizuka's worn that under-kimono for 6 years. Now she can stop doing it. She's going to frame it off-screen, have it sealed into a small charm, and then tie that into a necklace.
It's not entertaining, but from here Naruto proceeds to pay for the blue kimono at full price out of stubbornness, returns the white one, and picks out an orange frog-and-slug-covered kimono for Shizuka before they go, to everyone's collective horror.
Props to my BETA for suggesting I get out of the house for some writing. Boo to him for telling me my writing was bland.
Even if it's true, don't say it! Don't say it without softening the blow a lot, please! An enormous softening, if possible!
In my defense, sometimes I just need to put something out with undertones that other people don't get, because I'm too much of a noob to draw those things out. I still have room to grow. I get that, BETA. But there was a point, I swear.
Please review.
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Meaningless chatter: (2012-12-21)(Unrelated to story):
Congratulations everyone. We're all still alive. I did not mostly believe the world would end, or fall to catastrophe, nor did I ever, because it was extremely ludicrous for me to believe that the Mayans would bother recording a doomsday so far into the future. Human nature is simply not that patient or well-wishing. But I did slightly believe it, and in my household we did prepare for it. Our family got a generator and an electric heater, two weeks' worth of canned foods, and an ass-load of water.
So congratulations. The earth was not collided into by an alien planet. A comet did not crash into us. We were not invaded. God did not smite us. We did not spin backwards. We were not frozen in darkness. We did not enter a photon belt that debilitated our electronics. We did not fall into a vortex. We did not fall into a black hole or receive other mysterious effects from one. The alignment of Sirius and some other celestial body I can't remember, but which starts with an A, did not kill us. It also did not bring about a sudden spiritual and mental evolution in the people of the world. The sun did not expire. And the sun did not emit solar flares that caused any significant trauma.
If you have a god, please thank your god. If you're agnostic, then please be thankful in general. If you're atheist, then hey! It's Friday. Yay. Weekend.
If you still earnestly believe in the existence of the photon belt proposed by some guy fifty years ago, while referencing NASA pictures that never existed, during a time where photons could not be observed by satellite technology then give it a break, please, mom. Get your head out of your ass. Stop selectively believing things from youtube while brushing my arguments off as lack of spiritual enlightenment on my part. Fuck.
To commemorate this monumental non-event, I have decided to cave in and replace Houou with Senju sometime soon. I will keep the original versions up somewhere, elsewhere, but the entire 'Houou' thing was a plot point that really just died out and is unnecessary since Tsunade's last name was revealed in Shippuden somewhere. I'm clingy to the name for various sentimental reasons, but its okay as long as I archive the old versions. I've decided this.